Original subtitles

[sound effect playing]

[theme music]

[laughing]

[music playing]

No, come on.

You're wide open.

Come on.

Don't just stand there.

Shoot the ball.

Shoot it.

Shoot it.

Shoot it it's up!

Uh I was watching that.

Well, now you're watching this.

Give me that.

Hey, there is no way I'm going to be

watching Italian basketball.

Ooh, look.

It's the spokes model category.

Yay.

Becky, I can't see.

Oh I'm sorry, Darlene.

Am I in your way?

Well, we got a 19 inch TV and you got a 25 inch butt.

Well, guess we're just going to have to watch my show.

Well, guess I'm just going to have to tell

Mom that I was watching first.

[laughing]

You're such a little infant.

You're a PEZ head.

Hey, babe.

How long have they been fighting like this?

Well, let's see, Darlene's almost 14 now.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Mother.

She was watching it first.

Yeah.

I'd love to.

Friday night?

Yeah, I was hoping you'd call.

You want to buy me dinner?

Well, gee, what's in it for you?

Oh sure, I put out.

Everybody knows that.

Darlene, what are you doing?

Oh, don't worry Mom.

He thinks it's Becky.

Oh, OK.

Mother!

I'm going to kill you Darlene.

Hey, Kelly, I'll see it on video.

Sorry got to go.

7:30.

Don't dress.

You're dead.

[laughing]

Now, you guys have been on each other's case for weeks.

Give it a rest.

Mother, she was the one--

And so did you. Now go on.

Find something to do.

Go on.

Go on.

And stop calling me mother.

Well, thanks for your help.

What?

Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?

Yes.

If only she'd use her power for good instead of evil.

[laughing]

The thermostat's fixed.

You just turn this little doodad here.

The heat goes on in the basement and it's ready for you

to resume your writing career.

Well, you know, I don't think I'm

going to have that much time to pursue that career,

now what with the new job I got today.

Did you get that waitress job?

Yes, I did.

Well, it was close.

It was between me and the other woman they hired.

Well, it beats sweeping up at that beauty parlor.

Well, the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair,

only now, it's in the food.

Come here woman.

You done good.

Well, good then, you must massage my feet now, nave.

[chuckling]

And a dainty pair of pups they are.

You know, I'm going to be working the dinner shift.

So that means you're going to take over around here.

Don't worry. I can handle it.

Yeah, well, you know, that means that you've

got to feed the kids once in a while,

you've got to maintain law and order around here,

and you have to keep them from killing each other.

Better write this down.

Mom, Darlene's hogging the bathroom.

She's doing her homework in there.

And she locked me out.

And I really need to get in.

Darlene's doing her homework.

Oh, honey.

Oh it's a proud, proud day.

You want to handle this, Dan?

Nope.

You start your job tomorrow.

I start my job tomorrow.

You got a job?

Yeah.

I'm working in the restaurant over at Rodbell's department

store.

The-- the one in the mall?

Yeah.

Where I hang out with my friends?

Yeah.

My mother is going to be there.

Yeah, it's a kick in the head, ain't it?

You've ruined my life?

Well, you don't think I took the job for the money, do you?

[music playing]

[chattering]

You guys behave!

Can I help you.

Um, yeah--

Hey!

Just have a seat anywhere ma'am.

Look, you guys quit flipping them spoons.

- Coffee? - Yeah.

That'd be great.

Um, you know, I uh--

Um there's no cream.

Um, there's some in the back.

I'll be back in just a second.

Well I've had worse jobs.

Spoon.

Spoon.

[laughing]

Here yo go.

- Thanks. - Excuse me.

Would you please do something about those kids.

They're throwing spitballs at my wife.

Yes sir. I'm sorry.

I'll take care of it.

I'll be right back.

Look.

You guys have got to cut this out, OK?

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You know, you look like you could use some help.

Well, this is the first day on the job.

And there's supposed to be another waitress here.

But she hasn't gotten here yet.

Oh, that's a shame.

Wait a minute.

Tada!

We look like we were separated at birth.

That's your table, sis.

Jeez, they're kind of cute, aren't they?

You know, I have a couple kids at home, just their age.

I think I can relate to them.

Get out!

[applause]

[music playing]

Roseanne, you know when our dinner break is?

I'm starving.

Gee, I'm not hungry at all.

I wonder why.

Mmkay, I've got a Salisbury steak, and a sauce steak.

Who gets the Salisbury steak?

- Uh, I do. - OK.

Then you would be the person to ask.

Um, which one is it?

Roseanne!

Roseanne!

Enjoy your, uh, thing.

Roseanne, we're out of decaf and I can't find anymore.

Oh, well, see, you just don't know where to look.

[laughing]

There.

Now you're out of regular.

Hey, hi Becky.

How you doing honey?

(WHISPERED) Come on, come on.

Mother, would it be all right if that other woman

waited on us?

No.

For one thing, she's busy.

And for another, y'all are just going to sit there

sipping sodas for an hour.

And then you'll leave her, like, a quarter for a tip.

Miss, I'm waiting here.

Well, just a minute all right?

Just go have a seat. I'll be right with you.

All right.

But do me a favor and don't come over

and start acting like you're my mother or something, OK?

So what?

Then like's breastfeeding you is out.

[laughing]

Oh god.

Miss.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mmkay, you ready to order?

I'll have a cup of coffee and a glass of water.

You're not going to order any food?

Nope.

This ain't my table.

You want me to wait on your daughter?

She looks kind of embarrassed.

Yeah, I'm real worried about it.

Hi girls, how are you doing?

You know, this is really weird,

Mrs. Conner, you serving us and everything.

Yeah, well, just pretend like, you know,

it's over at our house.

Of course, here they make me wash my hands

before I serve you the food.

[laughing]

Mother, that's gross.

She's just kidding, you guys.

Well, duh, Becky.

Lighten up, Beck.

Yeah, lighten up, Beck.

Duh.

Can we just order now?

Shoot.

OK.

I'll have a cheese burger, and fries, and--

How come you're even here eating?

I mean, your dad's supposed must be cooking for your.

Dad said it's OK.

Besides, he's only going to order

a pizza at halftime anyway.

Well, I left the meatloaf in the fridge this morning.

Well, I guess he changed his mind.

Really?

Well, could we, like, order now.

Uh, yeah.

You'll eat what I bring you.

Just like him sitting up there on his butt, watching the game,

while I kill myself making a meat loaf.

And this time I even put real meat in it.

[music playing]

BECKY: Give it back.

Hey, give that back!

DARLENE: Make me!

BECKY: Give it back!

Hey, it was on my side of the room!

DARLENE: Well, I don't even want it in the room.

BECKY: OK.

Let go!

[suspenseful music playing]

BECKY: That's my sweater.

Yeah, well, let's see if it fly!

DARLENE: You scum!

Dad, look.

[laughing]

Oh, there's something you don't see every day.

No, no, no.

Darlene, come on.

That was my favorite!

Like I care.

[laughing]

[inaudible].

Look at this Darlene.

Darlene Conner, Junior [inaudible]----

No, no, no, 1991.

[inaudible].

Becky, you drop that thing and you're dead.

Oops.

You dropped it.

Now go get it.

Ow!

Hey!

Hey!

Break.

[groaning]

All right.

What's going on? - Dad, look--

I can't live with her anymore, OK?

She's always getting her stuff in my stuff.

You know what? I don't care.

You two can't live together?

Fine.

You don't have to.

Darlene, get your stuff, you're moving down to the basement.

What?

Are you kidding?

I mean, I'm sick of this.

You two do nothing but fight.

You're just going to have to learn how to live apart.

What do you think about that?

You're the best dad.

I'll get my stuff.

And hurry it up.

DJ, go clean up your room.

Why?

I'm on a roll.

I ought to get more kids.

Hello, dear.

Welcome to Conner Manor where the children are fed,

the dishes are washed, and all is serene.

And the bras and the underpants

are all over the front yard.

You know, most people would have opted for, like,

a pink flamingo.

Ah, that.

A minor skirmish.

I'll have the girls take care of it.

Though I hear you totally humiliated Becky at the mall

today.

Yeah.

You know, I think this job's going to work out swell.

By the way, what was Becky doing at the mall anyhow?

She didn't want pizza?

Well what about that meatloaf?

Nobody wanted meatloaf.

Couldn't give that stuff away.

Where are you going with that stuff?

Well, I can't live with Becky anymore

so I'm moving down to the basement.

Whose stupid idea is that?

Mine.

I'll straighten this out.

I already straightened it out.

The girls wouldn't stop fighting.

I took care of it. - By what?

Separating them?

I never would have done that, Dan.

Well, you weren't here.

You told me to take charge, I did.

What are you going to do?

Come in and overrule everything I do?

Well, now they're never going to talk to each other again.

Honey.

How can you just lay there like that and stare at the TV?

Easy.

It was quiet

till you got home.

[music playing]

I don't know.

I think Dan had a good idea.

When we were kids it would have been

great having our own rooms.

I don't think we would be this close if we'd been separated.

And besides, we had a lot of fun sharing that room.

Fun?

It was awful.

You used to pour warm water on my blanket when I was sleeping.

I thought I was a bed-wetter till I was 12.

Well, you were no perfect sister anyways.

You used to lock the door when I'd stay out late.

Then I'd have to come home and ring the bell.

And then Daddy would get up.

And he'd, like, to talk to me.

You started that rumor I liked Ronnie Addison.

Well, you did like Ronny Addison.

I did not.

Yes you did.

You're such a liar!

It was written all over your diary.

Ronny Addison, he's so cute, I just love him.

He's so hot.

You read my diary?

No.

You ready my diary.

I have to work.

Mom, I need your employee discount card.

Well, I'm trying to work now, Darlene.

Just give me a minute.

Jackie, can I borrow a credit card?

What for?

Well, I saw this great stereo system, right?

It's $1,000.

So I use mom's ID, get 20% off, then return it full price.

I do that 5 times and I can afford

the stereo system for real.

Not bad, huh?

Darlene, that's illegal.

How would you know?

What?

Am I sitting here in a clown suit?

Forget about it Darlene.

Run along.

I'm always going to be poor.

Now, she'd need a receipt for that, right?

See. There you go.

See?

See what?

Darlene just walked right by Becky, didn't say nothing.

So she just walked by her.

What's the big deal.

Because normally when she'd walk by she'd look at Becky,

and she'd go, hi, geek and.

Then Becky would go drop dead, butch.

You know, they'd have a relationship.

Roseanne, did you ever wonder that maybe what's really

bugging you here is that Dan decided to put

him in separate rooms, not you.

That is ridiculous.

No! No, no.

No.

I think I might be onto something here.

Somebody else is calling the shots on your turf

and you don't like.

Damn.

Just may make detective yet.

And you also may be the first cop in history to ever

pay for a cup of coffee.

You're hopeless, Roseanne.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Just let everything go to hell and let

Dan do whatever he wants?

Do you trust Dan?

Do I have to?

Well, you just got to let him do what he thinks is right.

OK, but like, what if I just, you know--

Look, you asked him to take over so just let him do it.

Let somebody else do it.

I can't.

That's because you think you always

have to be the strong one.

I don't know how to be weak.

Wait a minute.

You're weak.

Teach me.

[music playing]

Hi, babe.

Hi.

Hey, Mom.

What's he doing up?

We made a deal.

DJ did the dishes, and I'm letting him stay up a little.

A deal?

Let's go make some coffee, Roseanne.

He let DJ stay up late.

Then it's going to be, like, totally

impossible for me to get him up in the morning,

and send him to school.

That's going to ruin my whole day.

It'll be OK.

And look at this.

Why would he let DJ do the dishes?

It's covered with filth.

Why would he do that?

Breathe.

OK.

Roseanne, I know the dishes are a mess.

I was just waiting for DJ to go to bed.

I'll do them.

See?

Now, Dan, if DJ promised you that he would do the dishes,

what is he ever going to learn if his father goes

and does everything for him. My god.

Oh my god.

Breathe.

You breathe.

I wanna go do the dishes.

Roseanne, let him do it.

Give them the power over the dishes.

But he does a lousy job on the dishes.

You do a lousy job on the dishes.

Yeah, but he's going to leave spots.

Roseanne, this is it.

You're going to go in there.

You're going to watch Dan do the dishes.

And you're not going to do anything.

You understand?

Honey you want me to dry?

Nah, thanks.

I'm just going to leave them in the rack to air dry.

(WHEEZILY) Spots.

Spots.

Mom, I can't find the extra blankets.

Where do you keep them?

Ask your father.

Good.

Good.

Dad?

You going to bed already?

What bed?

I'm trying to do my math.

It's freezing down there.

[laughing]

Darlene, you didn't come up here because you were cold, did you?

Yeah, I did.

I think you're just using that as an excuse

to go back to your old room, isn't that true?

No.

Are you making me move back?

I am just over here breathing with Aunt Jackie?

Darlene, Girl you can stay in the basement as

long as you want, if you want.

Well, it's kind of, like, lonely down there.

And I would move back upstairs, but Becky's just

going to say it's her room and I'm moving back because I miss

her, and need her, and dweeb, dweeb, dweeb, dweeb, dweeb,

dweeb, dweeb.

I'll tell you what, why don't you blame it on me?

Tell her I said the basement was too cold.

All right.

Thanks Dad.

Anytime.

Hey, Becky.

Dad's making me move back.

So get your crap off of my crap.

Thank you, thank you, no applause.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like you planned she would get cold.

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.

She didn't come up here because she was cold.

The basement's heated.

She just needed an excuse to go back to her old room.

I'm surprised you didn't pick up on that.

But then, not everyone can be as perfect a parent as Dan Conner.

Oh I'm truly humbled by your magnificence.

As am I. And you know, I think I'll let these old dishes

wait until the morning.

Ladies.

I'm amazed, Roseanne.

You just stayed back.

You let Dan handle that.

Mm-hmm.

May I do the dishes now?

You've earned it.

Thank you.

Oh, say, sis.

You might want to turn the heat in the basement

back up with that little thermostat deal over there.

You little sneak.

Thank you, thank you, no applause.

[music playing]

[applause]

Yeah, but remember how you taught me to put lipstick on?

Not on the lips, around the lips so it wouldn't smear when I got

kissed.

God you were stupid.

I trusted you.

Well you were no angelic little sister yourself.

What did I ever do to you?

Oh, I start going out with Dan and you go and tell him

you're my daughter.

[laughing]

He was stupid.

And what about your imaginary sister?

My imaginary sister?

You made her up.

Oh, yeah, well, if she was my imaginary sister she

was your imaginary sister too.

Yeah, but she'd only talk to you.

That's because she hated you, Jackie.

Roseanne.

It was all I could do to keep her

from killing you in your sleep.

Just admit it.

You were the rottenest sister ever born.

Well, I don't believe I have to sit here and take that,

and neither do you, Vanessa.

Very funny.

Now don't say that Vanessa, you'll hurt hr feelings.

She likes wearing her hair like that.

Just grow up, OK?

Hey!

What'd she say about my hair?

[music playing]

[applause]

[sound effect playing]

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