Original subtitles

[music playing]

[theme music]

[cackles]

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ROSEANNE: No, Jackie, I don't even need to cook anymore.

I got a microwave now.

I don't even have to start cooking till Dan comes home.

Yeah, the other day I made a meatloaf in, like, 12 minutes.

Nah, it still tasted like crap, but it was so hot,

nobody could tell.

Look, you have got to talk to DJ.

I was just in the bathroom completely naked

and he just barges in on me.

Oh, great, you traumatized him.

He'll be gay for sure, now.

God, I hate you, Darlene.

Mother, are you listening to me?

Your son is sick!

Yeah, well, now that he saw you naked,

he's probably upstairs puking his guts out.

You shut your face or I'll shut it for you.

Go for it, Barbie!

Maybe I will, Ken.

Oh, yeah, that was funny.

Hold on a minute, Jackie.

I think I heard something.

What?

Mom, this is like the third time he's walked in on me.

It was an accident.

Oh, yeah, right.

I better call you back later, Jackie.

The sedative I gave the kids for breakfast

is starting to wear off.

All right, look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident.

And remember, I can tell when you're lying.

It was an accident.

Could you tell?

I have so much to teach you, sprout.

Anybody home? It's me, Arnie.

Yeah, hi, come on in, Arnie.

Mother!

I'll talk to him later.

Yeah, right.

No, I will.

Just keep your shirt on, there.

Very funny.

This a bad time, Rosie?

Uh, it's a bad life, Arnie.

I'm just about to nuke some dinner though.

Dan'll be home in a few minutes.

I could go for something to eat.

Yeah?

Well, then go.

You're always a kidder.

Ah, not always.

Well, anyway, Nancy's got dinner for me at home now.

You know we're shacking up, don't you?

Oh, yeah?

How romantic.

Well, I got evicted from my place,

so it kind of worked out pretty good.

This way we get to spend a whole lot more time with each other.

It's like we're always together.

Well, I guess there's nothing like a little quantity

time with the person you love.

Yeah, but you get tired of seeing

that same face all the time.

Hey, did I tell you we're getting married?

When's she due?

You're kidding, right?

Yeah, I'm kidding.

Congratulations.

I knew it.

The minute I turn my back, you went and stole my man.

How's it going, buddy?

Great, Dan, how you doing?

Hang on a second, will you?

Hey, Dan, how come you never told me

that Arnie was getting married?

He didn't want it to get out and mess up his dating action.

Yeah, so many magazines, so little time.

I really appreciate this, buddy.

No problem.

I'll have the money back at six, seven weeks, tops.

You're really helping me out here.

Check OK?

You got an ID?

[laughter]

Thanks, Rosie. See you guys.

Yeah.

"Got an ID?"

How much money did you lend him?

- Couple bucks. - How much?

- $1,500. - (SHOUTING) Get out of here!

Roseanne, he's throwing a lot of work my way.

How could you do that without talking to me?

Look, I got it covered.

I got steady work till Christmas.

Jeez, I'd never lend out that kind of money

without talking to you first, Dan.

Oh, come on, Roseanne.

For once in my life, I can write out a check to help a friend,

no questions asked?

It's for his engagement ring.

Hey, how's this new microwave working, hon?

You know, the one I bought you without asking?

Oooh!

All right, I should've asked you first.

What do you want me to do, stick my head in the oven?

OK.

Kids, dinner!

We're having butt roast.

[music playing]

Dad?

Dad.

If DJ accidentally walks in on me one more time,

I swear I'm gonna kill him.

I'm busy right now, Becky.

I'll talk to DJ later.

You say you'll talk to DJ later.

Mom says she'll talk to him later.

Is anybody going to do anything about this?

Why don't you try locking your bathroom door, Becky?

Oh, great, now it's my fault. Everything wrong in this world

is my fault.

You just figured that out?

Drop dead.

Mom, you gotta go talk to DJ.

The little pervert walked in on me again.

[sigh] (YELLING) DJ, stop peeking at Becky.

DJ: (SHOUTING) OK!

There you go.

Mother!

I'll talk to him later after I put the groceries away.

(SIGHING) All right.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey.

DAN: Hey.

Boy, Becky's in a mood.

Becky's always in a mood.

What you doing?

Putting together a couple of bids.

Well, my, aren't you ambitious there?

I thought you said you had some job keeping

you busy through Christmas.

Not anymore.

Company went belly-up.

We're never going to see that last $6,000 they owe me.

Why does this always happen to us?

Oh, we're OK.

I already got a couple of jobs lined up.

Just have to pay a couple of small bills that are due now.

Like what kind of small bills?

Car payment, mortgage, credit cards--

oh, come on, cut it out.

We're OK.

Now, what do you mean by OK?

You mean like "Becky can still go to college" OK?

Or, "Oh boy! the government's giving away free cheese," OK.

We don't need that much.

And I know what you're thinking.

Even if I did ask Arnie for the money back,

we'd still be short.

By how much?

$20.

Roseanne, I didn't know this was going to happen.

Well, you know, I'm sure Arnie won't mind.

You know, why don't you call him up and tell him

to just give the money back? - No way.

It's done.

Well, he probably didn't even go buy that ring yet.

You don't ask for money back once you lend it out.

- Who don't? - A guy doesn't do that.

A guy?

So what is this, some kind of testosterone thing here?

(DEEP VOICE) I got it covered, OK?

And will you be letting the little woman in on how?

I'll just get a swing loan from the bank.

No problem.

Well, why do you want go to the bank?

Because that's where the money is, my pet.

Yeah, but maybe you should, like, ask your folks, you know?

Or my folks.

Yeah.

Yeah, why don't I just borrow it from your folks?

Yeah, wait a minute.

Oh!

Well, the bank's just going to charge you some huge interest.

Roseanne, I know how to cut a deal.

I'll just go down there tomorrow and waltz in and act

like I don't need the money.

You better act like you got a gun.

[music playing]

Traffic directional guidance apparatus.

Or as we on the force like to call them, white gloves.

Without these, I'm just some idiot standing in traffic.

You know, with those, you're just some--

Stop.

It's the power of the glove.

So, uh, did you get these moves at the police academy?

No, the Pips.

So how'd it go?

Smooth.

Ah!

What's going on?

How come you're all dressed up?

What, this old thing?

Come on, Dan.

Jackie, do the words "none of your business"

mean anything to you?

Well, go ahead and tell her, Dan.

She's family.

I had to negotiate a small loan from the bank.

What do you need a loan for?

I want to be in debt. Bye.

Come on, Dan.

Came up a little short this month,

and I need some help paying some bills.

Happy?

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got a lot of cash saved up.

I could loan you a few bucks. - No, thanks.

Aw, Dan, come on.

It'd be fun.

I lend you money, you pay me back-- it's like a game.

Roseanne, make it stop.

No, she's my sister.

I say we should take her for every cent she's got.

How much you talking about?

$1,500.

Is that all?

It's chump change.

Not that all chumps would have that kind of change.

It's taken care of.

Well, I don't know.

How much interest are we gonna pay on this loan?

What difference does it make?

(YELLING) I want to know!

There's a loan fee of $150, and the interest

rate is 19 and 1/2%, OK?

Whoa, well, you really forced them to their knees there, Ace.

I'll tell you what.

I won't charge you any loan fee or interest,

and all you gotta do is just, uh, suck

up to me for a couple of weeks.

[laughter]

Oh, well, hell, in that case--

no.

Well, how come it's OK to go to the bank

and pay all this huge interest, but it's not OK to get

it from Jackie for nothing?

That's good business, dear.

All right, forget sucking up.

Just your undying gratitude.

What are you, deaf?

I said no.

Hey, don't you go yelling at my sister.

I'm not yelling at your sister.

I just don't want her damn money.

But Dan--

DAN: Hey, just keep your nose out of my business, all right?

Jeez.

What a grump.

Yeah, I don't know what got into him.

I mean, the opportunity to kiss your butt

doesn't come along every day.

I was joking.

I was fooling around.

I'll apologize.

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, you want to make it up to him?

Just write them a check for $1,500.

Oh, you're kidding.

He's not going to take my check. - Yes, he will.

Trust me.

Just make it out to Roseanne Conner.

[music playing]

DJ: (SHOUTING) Aaah, Mom!

Darlene hit me!

DARLENE: I didn't touch you!

I didn't push you!

DJ: Ow!

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

[kids yelling] - Mom?

Mom!

Damn.

She hit me!

I caught him peeking at me getting dressed.

Honey, I told you to cut that out.

Told me to stop peeking at Becky.

Well, he's got me there, Darlene.

What's going on?

Well, now the little pervert's peeking at me.

Why?

Look, if was fine for everybody

when he was peeking at Becky.

But now someone may get hurt.

DJ: (YELLING) No!

Hey, come here.

Darlene, go away.

Darlene called me a pre-vert.

No, you're not a pre-vert, honey.

You're a pervert.

But you're not even that.

You're just growing up, and you're curious.

But now, you don't like people walking in on you when

you're getting undressed, and your sisters

feel the very same way.

Does Daddy see you naked?

Yeah, but it's different for married people.

You know, married people have to see each other naked.

Knock, knock.

Anybody home? Hey, Rosie.

Hi, Arnie, I'll be right with you.

So you just need to respect your sisters'

privacy a little bit more, OK?

OK.

All right.

Or else one of them's gonna kill you.

Why don't you go up and get ready for bed?

OK.

Kid's a peeper, huh?

Boy, that takes me back.

What, you've got sisters too?

I wish.

Here, this is for you.

It's kind of a thank you thing.

Oh.

I'll take it out in the kitchen.

Hope you don't have one of those already.

Uh, no, Arnie, I don't have a wine and soap basket.

I got it at the car wash.

So, uh, did you get Nancy her little surprise yet?

Sure did.

ROSEANNE: She like it?

You bet.

So she's gonna keep it, huh?

ARNIE: Well, there's no way she can take it back, Roseanne.

OK, well, like, what if there was,

like, a really, really good reason, you know?

I mean, you know it's just a ring.

Oh, I didn't buy her a ring.

Then what did you do with the money we lent you?

I got her one of those breast augmentation deals.

Huh?

You know.

(YELLING) You got her a boob job?

Yeah, two of 'em.

It's what she wanted.

We gave you $1,500 for that?

Oh, actually, it costs $3 grand and I only had half.

So I borrowed $1,500 from you guys

so she didn't walk crooked.

Which one is ours?

Hey, Arnie.

Dan, buddy.

Oh, Danny?

DAN: Yes?

There's a couple things we need to talk about.

Like what?

Oh, like Nancy's engagement presents.

Please tell me you got her a camera.

No, but we did help with the developing.

You bought her--

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Neat, huh?

Thought you were going to give her a ring.

Dan, she's got rings.

Arn-- hang-- hang out here.

Finish your beer.

Honey?

Honey?

Honey?

I thought it was for a ring.

Well, it ain't.

And you know, I think he ought to pay us interest

on the money we lent him. - Well, that wasn't the deal.

Well, so what?

We have to pay interest to the bank on account of him.

Well, what if he can't pay?

What are we going to do, repossess?

Yeah, and then we'll give them to Darlene

so DJ has something to look at.

Yep, I'm still here.

Did you hear what we said?

No, I missed the part about charging me interest.

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

If I'd known this was going to happen,

I would've told you I got her a ring.

Yeah, I know that, Arnie.

But it doesn't matter anyway, because I already

borrowed the money from Jackie.

I just didn't tell him about it yet.

Oh.

I don't think you want to do that.

Why not? It's my family.

It's my house.

I got a right.

Absolutely, you do.

You just sat here and said I was wrong.

Well, I don't want to get you mad at me

because I owe you money.

But wouldn't it be better if I gave Dan a check?

Your check ain't worth squat.

Well, everybody knows that.

But if you give me Jackie's check, I can cover it.

Well, this is just another stupid guy thing, isn't it,

Arnie?

Yeah, but this way, Dan'll be OK with it.

See, if he gets the money from the bank or from me,

he's taking care of his family.

But if it comes from Jackie, she's

taking care of his family. Follow me, here.

It's like I didn't tell Nancy I borrowed the money from Dan.

I didn't want her to think that these are Dan's boobs.

Oh, we're out of beer, honey?

I'm gonna go get some. You want to come, Arn?

ARNIE: Sure.

OK, baby, I'll see you in a minute.

ARNIE: Oh, wait a minute, Dan. I almost forgot.

I got that money for you. - Arnie!

DAN: I thought you said six, seven weeks.

Well, it came in a little sooner than I thought.

Let me write you a check.

Wait a minute, Arnie.

Where did he get the money from, all of a sudden?

Hey, I was at the track and I saw a horse named Lucky Arnie.

- Dan-- - That's right.

It was Lucky Dan.

It was a long shot, 300-to-1.

Arnie.

Lucky Arnie, Lucky Dan-- work with me here.

Why are you friends with him?

OK, I just took the money from Jackie myself.

DAN: You took a check from your sister?

Well, I'm outta here.

Hey, enjoy the soap.

Give it back, Roseanne.

I got a right.

It's my family, too.

You're not doing this.

I said no.

And I said I'm taking my sister's check.

Yeah?

Well, what do you think of this?

(SHOUTING) Where the hell is that tape?

[music playing]

Hey.

Hi, Dan.

What you up to?

I'm just waiting for Gary. You?

Running away from home.

Buy you a drink?

No, let me buy.

Yeah, I'll have a beer.

Hey, Willie?

Couple beers, please?

Uh, coming up.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh.

Things are good with you and Gary?

Yeah, great. Yeah.

You and Roseanne?

Well, tore up your check.

What's keeping Gary?

Look, Jackie, I know you were only trying to help,

and I was little tough on you, so I'm sorry.

No, I had it coming.

Yeah.

But Dan, all these years, I've been eating your food

and using your washing machine and making

long distance calls on the--

that's not important.

But I just figured that I--

I want to pay you back a little.

Well, I appreciate it, Jackie.

But I've borrowed money from relatives before, and trust me,

it never works out.

Oh, I agree.

Remember who lent me money for my first car?

You're welcome.

"Don't worry, Jackie.

I'll take shopping and find you a nice solid transportation

vehicle."

"But gee, Dan, I don't want a nice solid transportation

vehicle.

I want a shiny new piece of crap that looks good and goes,

vroom, vroom!"

Well, I did!

Don't

Oh, I know.

I know.

Yeah, I remember back when me and Rosie was getting started,

and well, we wanted to buy the house.

And I had to borrow the money from her folks--

your folks.

14 years ago, and I still have to pretend that I like them.

Same here.

So then-- well, neither one of us will

ever borrow from family again.

Here.

[clink]

But you'd borrow from a friend, right?

Sure, sure.

Well, Dan, I don't think of you just as family.

I think of you as a friend

Aw, Jackie, I think of you as family.

Aw, come on, Dan.

It'd make me feel so good if I could help you guys out

Yeah.

You're my friend, huh?

Absolutely.

Sure you got this kind of money?

All you gotta do is ask.

You got it, pal!

[music playing]

Hey.

Where you been?

Having a drink with a friend.

Oh boy.

I love a man who knows when to cave.

Oh, are you kidding?

She begged me.

What are you doing?

Oh, Nancy's picture here?

It's like they follow you.

You know, you're right, it's eerie.

There was a bunch of these.

We shouldn't leave them laying around.

Where's the other ones.

I thought you had them.

What do I need them for, proof of purchase?

DJ!

[music playing]

[theme music]

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