Original subtitles

Junior: you know, it is estimated that the American workforce

Has lost 80% to 87% of its productivity

After the invention of the Internet.

Thank you, Al Gore.

It ain't exactly googling recipes, either.

What they're doing is, they're googling porn.

We at the Reno sheriff's department

Have safe search embedded into each of our computers,

But you can get around that.

What you got to do is, you got to break into the matrix.

Most computers intimidate people

Because you think they're too complicated,

But they're no more complicated than the human brain

Or a '72 Chevy engine.

All right. Release the porn.

Let's go, Joe. Let's go, Joe.

Son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

They all have guns!

Whoo hoo!

Ow!

Push them together?

Sheriff's department off your bike.

Oh! God!

[Click click click]

Man: ? I want some linoleum floors ?

? you want some linoleum floors ?

? who wants linoleum floors? ?

? everybody wants linoleum floors ?

? tiles, parquet ?

? hardwood? OK ?

? bathrooms, kitchens ?

? hallways, bitchin' ?

? linoleum, linoleum ?

? we got linoleum floors ?

? dance party ?

Oh, I love that.

That's my favorite commercial.

Dangle: what would you say if I told you

We have just hired the linoleum floor guy

To do our new recruitment commercial?

What? We got him?

I would call you a fucking liar.

We got the linoleum guy?

Will we get to meet him?

Dangle: get to meet him, have to meet him.

First off, he has a name. His name is Levon French.

He says he can do it for the $8,000.

He wants interviews with everybody.

He's gonna shoot some footage with all of us.

? who wants linoleum floors? ?

? I want linoleum floors ?

? you want linoleum floors ?

? tile, parquet ?

? hardwood? ?

? OK! ?

Jones: did you speak to him? Of course.

Yeah? Yeah.

What does his voice sound like?

He's, well--

He's very well-spoken...

You know, for a black guy, and then he's--

By the way, Jim, do I speak clearly

And--And--Clearly as--For a black man?

Often, but not right then. That was a bad example. Go again.

I was gonna be offended, but you're right.

You got me on that one. That was bad.

The old Jeffers shack was never haunted,

Never haunted at all.

Old man Jeffers just wanted everybody to think it was haunted

So he could make crystal meth in it,

But don't you worry.

Thanks to you guys, old man Jeffers

Is going to jail for a very, very long time.

I would've gotten away with it, too,

If it wasn't for you fucking kids!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.

I'm gonna kill you kids. You're so fucking dead.

I'm gonna find where you live.

I'm gonna come to your fucking house.

I'm gonna kill your families. I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna cut your parents' faces off while you're still alive.

Then I'm gonna skull fuck you to the music of their anguish.

You fucking kids, you.

You, I'm gonna cut a cock size hole

In your chest and fuck your heart.

I'm gonna kill everyone who ever knew you.

I don't care if I have to get every man, woman, and child in Storey county!

OK. This is Washoe county, by the way.

It's Storey county!

Oh, crap, are we in Storey county?

This is Storey county? Really?

Storey county.

The shack is in Storey county?

Yes. This is Storey county. Look at a fucking map.

Where does this become Storey county, after the 40?

After the 40. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, boy.

This is not our jurisdiction.

Yikes. Wow. That was so our bad.

Old man Jeffers, you are free to go.

Even grownups make mistakes.

So sorry about that. There you go, sir.

Sorry for troubling you. Thanks, kids. Way to go.

Have a great evening.

The 40 is that way?

You know, Levon French

Has one of them personalities

That's just magnetic, you know?

I think there's some actors

Who I could just watch read the phone book,

Like Adrienne Barbeau or Burt Reynolds,

You know, that you're just sucked in,

And Levon French is that kind of man.

Why did you pick only people from "The Cannonball Run"?

Would you say that Dom Deluise,

You could watch him read the phone book, too?

Oh, yeah, dude, if he could keep a straight face.

I don't think he could, old Dom Deluise.

Dangle: oh, smells like show biz in here.

Smells like Cinnabon.

Well, because that's right next door.

You would never, ever know this was in a strip mall.

Never would know. Oh, my goodness, wow.

Hi. Very big fan. Yes.

OK. I don't know--OK.

We were supposed to.

We were supposed to do that. Very nice to meet you, ma'am.

Have a seat, gentlemens.

That was only for because you're a lady,

Not for any other reason.

Mr. French... we need your magic.

We need you to do... what you did for linoleum.

We need to be your linoleum now. Mm.

That's a no or a yes? Mm. That's a mm.

OK, so we had discussed on the phone,

For the recruitment video, it's $8,000.

Let me just--

See, I don't do this for the money, OK?

Oh. Yeah. You see what I'm saying?

I don't do this to get paid.

I don't do this to be famous.

I do this out of love...

This is the best news ever. Wow.

So--Katkat-- The thing, though, is,

I need you to trust me.

Oh, we do. Mm mm mm mm! Mm mm mm!

We don't. We don't trust you.

We do not, not at all, sir. Trust me.

As soon as we can get shooting--

We would love to get shooting just as soon as possible, and--

4:00. Yes. Great.

Was I supposed to kiss this the first time?

I'm honestly not positive. Trust.

That was a yes, right?

Boy, I hope so.

This is the last nice place in town, too.

Terry! Sheriff's department.

Shh! Sheriff's department.

Don't shush us. Don't you shush us.

Don't shush us. Don't you shush us.

Don't run. Don't flee. Don't you flee.

Don't you flee and don't shush us. Shh!

Terry... shh!

Who's been hosting story time here?

Yes, and they love that you do that as part of community service.

It is so fun. It is fun.

I think I'm addicted to story time.

You're addicted to storytelling? "Addicted."

What an interesting word to use,

Addicted to telling stories.

So, you got a call. Ring, ring. Yes.

Oh, mime it out for us. That's great.

You be me. OK.

"Lieutenant Jim Dangle. You be me.

"Sheriff's department."

[Deep voice] it's me, Jim Dangle. Great.

Here's the other end of the phone. This is very important.

Hello. This is Susan from the library.

You know that Terry Bernadino is down here doing community service.

He was hosting a story time.

He said he put up fliers saying he was going to read "Moby Dick" to the children.

Then it turned into not a reading at all,

But more of a puppet show that he was calling "Moby Dick."

[Deep voice] Terry would never do that. He's my best friend.

Yes, he would. He would do that.

No. That sounds exactly like something he would do.

Hold on. Who's on the other line?

Terry? Terry, hi. It's lieutenant Jim Dangle from Reno sheriff's department.

I can't. I'm in the shower. I'm gonna add in Jones.

Describe the puppet show, Terry.

What was the reading of "Moby Dick" like?

It's about a whale or something,

And he's in the sea, and stuff happens, and the show is over.

Did you paint something on yourself?

I painted some stuff.

What did you paint?

You know, my body.

You painted what part of your body?

Let's all hang up our phones.

Did you make a little whale face on there?

Yeah. He did. That's not even a good wha--

It's not terrible. No, no, no, no, no.

Watch the blowhole. Nope.

Oh, god. Time to go. Time to go.

So, you got your tubes tied.

Williams: yep.

That means you can have sex without a condom.

Yep. Yeah.

Let's see how you look on camera over here.

We're just gonna get a little bit of a camera test, if you will.

You are trapped inside of a cage.

I want you to let her out.

Raar! Yes. Let her out.

Now turn around a little bit.

Turn around. Turn around. Raar!

All the way around. Yes. Yes. Crawl. Yes.

You're swimming. You're swimming out of that cage.

Yes. Yes. I'm swimming. I'm swimming. Raar!

Katkat, make sure you get up and down.

Now stay turned around. Stay turned around that way.

Yes. Oh, yes. Raar!

If you come in my neighborhood and smoke dope, you get--

All right. OK. Oh, yeah? Ha ha ha!

Hot shot, right? Speedy Gonzalez. Guess what.

He booked the wrong mother fucker to run away from

Because I'm in shape.

I'm in real good shape.

The only thing you got to do at this age is make sure

You warm yourself up so you don't pull a--

Oh, fuck.

Oh! Aw, fuck it.

Ugh! OK. Oh, fuck.

Can't you turn the fucking thing off?

I am having a full-on fucking heart attack.

Uh! Fuck

Ah! OK.

It's happened before. I'll be good.

O... k. This is a good one.

Oh, yeah. You got any baby aspirin?

Weigel: sir, I don't feel like this is fitting right.

Levon: yes. Oh, look at how lovely you look.

It's not backwards? No, no, no.

It's absolutely perfect.

You got the footies on right.

That's how you know it's not backwards,

Or else they'd be hanging off the back of your foot.

OK. Yes. Yes.

The suit was a little damp when I put it on.

Oh, it smells so good. That's intoxicating.

I can't take full credit for that, I'm afraid.

You're going to move around,

And the camera is gonna get your motions, OK?

Oh, it's gonna capture my motions.

Yes. Yes. OK.

I'm just gonna put a little smiley face on your vagina.

Oh, OK. Lookit. Yes.

Can I ask a question? What's that?

Why would you need to reference my vagina for the commercial?

Well, see, the thing is, you know, the police is a ugly business.

We all know this ugly business.

There's some things you just got to be adult about.

Yes. Yes.

You're running from the police. OK.

Yes. Yes. Am I doing it right?

Here. Let me keep you in place for this.

This is the first time I've ever done this. Yes.

I hear that all the time.

Now you're getting caught.

Now you're trying to get away. That's tight.

You're holding me tight. Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, I can't let you go. I'm the police.

Please, please, I don't want to go to jail. Yes. Yes.

You don't want to go to jail.

Are you catching this? Say, "I've been a bad girl."

I've been a bad girl. Yes. Yes.

Now make a choking sound.

I love rush week.

Yeah. Love it.

Hey, guys. Love you!

Hey, you want to have your car washed?

How you doing? Hi.

We wanted to see if we could get a freebie.

Yeah! Because we figured, like, you know,

You're serving the community,

And we're serving the community.

We're both serving the community.

Yeah. You know.

You wash our back, and we'll wash your front.

That's not what he meant.

Girls! Girls, it's gonna be a cop freebie today.

All right. Whoo! Cop freebie.

Yeah. Put them on the glass.

You don't tell them to put them on the glass.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, we should've brought beers.

We should've, completely.

We should've brought beers. We should've brought beers.

What the hell were we thinking?

Why weren't we thinking?

Hey. Hey, how you doing?

Great. How's it looking? How's it looking?

It looked great from in here,

But we can't see the car. Good. All right.

OK. Well, we're all done. Bye, you guys.

Move out the way, bitches.

Don't say, "put them on the glass,"

And don't call them bitches.

OK. Sorry. Hey. Bye.

That turquoise bikini top,

She was just too big. Live a little.

You're saying I don't live? I guess not.

You're saying I don't live

Just because I don't like a triple-E cup.

I don't know who you are.

You think you know someone. I like a solid "D."

Levon: we're here to recruit people.

We want the people to see you

And want to be a policeman.

I get a feeling from you

That something--

A little boy, something happened.

I don't do that. Nah.

It's for the video. No, no, no.

I need you to trust me.

I had a teacher... uh-Huh?

And she would have us come up to the board,

And this one day, I had been looking at--

I'd been looking at this girl's breasts in the--

Yes.

And I had an erection.

Inside the classroom, you mean?

I said, "I'll do it any other time,

Just not this time."

Oh, yes, and that is what I mean by the trust.

Katkat, camera.

Officer Declan, I'm gonna ask you to stand up.

Not--I--I'll do it-- Not now.

You think that we'll be in the commercial?

Do you think they'll use stunt people?

I think it's probably gonna be a mix.

Like stunt people.

So, it's like we look at the camera

And say, "Reno, where the action is,"

And then... stunt, stunt, stunts.

We turn around, and then a stunt guy turns around

And then stunt, stunt, stunt,

Somebody on wire doing wire fu.

Do a wire fu.

I said, "you know, hey, we're spending 8,000 bucks,

But don't jew us on the wire fu."

We very much appreciate your visit to Reno.

Thank you, and don't come again. Thank you.

Now we're gonna take you to the county line

Into beautiful, wonderful Sparks, Nevada.

Sparks, Nevada. Agh! Aw, fuck it..

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Sparks sheriff's department.

If it isn't dingleberry and walking small.

Oh, no. Look at that. Look at that.

I just added to the real estate value of Sparks

By spitting at it.

Well, here. Let me help you out with your water supply.

There you go.

Oh, I'll do it again. How about that?

Let's take a swim in lake Reno. Yeah.

Junior: I'm spitting in your jurisdiction. How do you feel about that?

Hold on. Hold on. I'm running out of spit.

Dangle: I'm running out of spit, too.

Let's give it a second.

Give it a second. Give it a second. Give it a second.

Let's all get a little more spit.

How's it doing over there in Sparks?

I hear your library got a book. Thank you.

And I heard it's not all the way colored in.

You guys don't even have sex with your own family

Because not even your family wants to have sex with you.

You are literally letting out

Enough rope to hang yourself.

Did you understand what you even just said?

I'm saying that our families are sexy

So, of course they want to have sex with each other.

You are dangerously close to stepping into our jurisdiction.

Your gun is in Reno! Your gun is in Reno.

Do it again. Do it again. Fine.

Put him into Sparks.

Come on! Offensive line! Offensive line!

Now you're in ours! Shit. Shit.

They got me fair and square.

I don't want to go to jail in Sparks, man!

Don't let me go to jail in Sparks, man!

Do you know what they do to you?

Could we get a jump?

Rizzo: Cindy! Cindy, hi.

In my locker, there were 3 jars

Of urine, of my urine.

Yes. I saw it.

Yes, and they're no longer there, and it's my locker,

And just my locker is my stuff,

And I'm just wondering where the jars of urine are.

Oh, it's in the garbage.

Lieutenant asked me to clean all the locker.

Did you notice, I fold all your clothes and I clean your gun?

That was very nice. That was very nice of you.

I put a little deodorant tree inside for you.

Oh, well, that was very nice. No. It smells good.

It's little overpowering.

It's very lemony now, but that's OK.

Next time, I'll do lavender.

Next time, do nothing.

You ready? You want an invitation, or what?

Uh, one minute.

I just want to make sure I get the right form to--

[Whispering] can you pee in a cup?

Yeah. Sure. Great. I don't want to watch.

I just need you to pee in a cup.

OK. For $5.00. Great.

Officer Jones...

Yes, sir.

First thing first,

You didn't park in front of Cinnabon, did you?

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Yeah.

You got to take care of that

Because, you know, they'll tow anybody.

He's a evil, evil man, runs the Cinnabon over there.

It's like he doesn't even smell the deliciousness

In his own establishment.

Hi, Junior.

How you doing today? I'm pleasant.

Williams: know why we're here, honey?

Do you guys want to finish our game of backgammon?

No. That's not it.

Take another guess.

? bath time ?

? bath time ?

Uh-Uh. No.

Were you maybe up on the roof up there

Taking potshots at the freeway?

Do I know anything about that?

Do you know anything about that?

Standing on the roof shooting at the freeway?

Yes. Yeah. No.

You don't know anything about that?

Carmen?

Yes, miss Williams?

Who's been on the roof shooting at the freeway?

I have.

Yeah. That's true. Yes.

Got up on the roof, and I was like,

"Hey, I'm gonna make water balloons,"

And then I saw my daddy's gun. Yeah.

Why don't you come with us? Come on.

Come where? To jail, baby.

Really? Yeah. We're going to the can.

Can we listen to Tone Loc?

We can listen to Tone Loc anytime you want.

I think this commercial is gonna be pretty great.

I mean, from what I've seen of what he does,

This may end up being a classic,

You know, like a real "where's the beef?"

Plus, I'm in it wearing a unitard with a camel toe,

So talk about "where's the beef?"

Ha ha ha! Ew!

Dangle: moments ago, this was handed to me

By Levon French, his assistant Katkat.

It's done--The Reno sheriff's department recruitment video,

$8,000 in the making.

Ready?

? who wants to be a deputy? ?

? who wants to be a deputy? ?

? I want to be a deputy ?

? you want to be a deputy ?

? if you want to be a deputy ?

? touch yourself awkwardly ?

? everybody ?

? dance party ?

? if you wanted to be, be a deputy ?

? touch yourself awkwardly if you want to be a deputy ?

I love it! Weigel: whoo hoo hoo hoo!

I love it. Declan: home run!

Junior: it's better than the linoleum commercial.

Way better. Way better.

Make room for new deputies!

The eagle goes by. Were you watching? The eagle goes by.

? who wants to be a deputy? ?

? I want to be a deputy ?

? who wants to be a deputy? ?

? I want to be a deputy ?

None of the TV stations

Will run the recruitment commercial.

Why? Well, they gave a couple of reasons.

A big one, it's 7 minutes long.

Why it's so good.

Oh, also, apparently, I didn't notice that he says motherfucker...

At the end... a bunch of times.

After the fourth dance break.

They say motherfucker on TV all the time.

You can't. Watch. Motherfucker. Watch.

Motherfucker motherfucker.

Dangle: motherfucker would never make it.

Motherfucker.

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