Original subtitles

Sheriff's department.

Hello. Sheriff's department.

We got a call here at the Nevada state mental hospital.

They had an emergency.

Man: oh, here's the police officers. Thank you so much for coming.

I just need you guys to take a look at this.

It's a picture of a man's penis.

My penis. So you guys drove 45 minutes to take a look at a Polaroid of my penis,

So who's crazy now? Bbllbbll!

Man: Andy. Andy. Back in the hole, man.

You've got to stay off the phones, OK?

Andy: tell the phones to stay off of me.

Hey, you can hold on to that, sugar tits. You can find me on eHarmony.

Captioning made possible by MTV networks

Son of a bitch. God damn it!

[Tires screeching]

Come on!

They all have guns!

Ow!

Push 'em together?

Sheriff's department get off your bike!

Aah!

[Siren]

[Click click]

Aah!

I'm sorry if I'm on edge today. My a capella choir has disbanded. I'm sorry.

Aw...

That's rough.

You and Jeff aren't gonna do it anymore?

No. We will never--Me and Jeff will never--We--

Oh, I will never darken his door again.

Oh, I'll be assigning shifts.

We have to keep an eye on that witness for the state's attorney's office.

Uh... Mario...

In that case.

I don't know if that's-- Is that the code name? Code name's Mario?

There's no one in real enforcement

But you that uses code names, so I'm assuming that's his real name.

OK, his real name is probably Mario,

But he's gonna be held up at the--I won't say the name of the hotel.

Wiegel: who are you hiding it from?

The Shear Arms hotel is where we're gonna be holding that state's witness.

What was that?

'Cause it was secret.

Wiegel: from who?

Declan: well, we heard it. Everybody heard it.

You heard it.

They heard it, too. I think they heard it.

Fine. OK. So they're holding that--

Declan: did you think we were shooting a silent movie?

No. I-I got confused.

No one has claimed the birdfeeder from the Junior deputies' raffle.

I would like to get that off of my books.

If you won the fucking birdfeeder, come fucking get it off my desk.

I don't want that fucking eyesore on my desk any more.

That's what that thing is? That's a birdfeeder?

They're the fucking Junior deputies,

And they have the slow ones helping this year.

No bird would feed from that thing.

I agree! I want it off my desk.

If you won it, come claim it, or I'm throwing it away.

Why don't they raffle off lawn jockeys anymore?

I love them lawn jockeys they used to make.

Yeah, they got--You know why.

They don't raffle 'em off anymore

'Cause they have them working here with us.

Ha ha! Oh, I got a million of 'em.

Hey, Carmen.

Hey, Carmen.

Hi, guys.

You almost got us with the hose there, I see.

Hey, how you doing on your meds, Carmen?

Carmen! What?

Carmen! How are you doing on your meds?

Do--Carmen?

Do we need to send somebody by to check to see

If you've been taking your meds?

Yes.

Speak into the microphone.

Yes, you do need to send somebody by.

Hey, Carmen, real quick before we go.

We just wanted to ask.

There was this vacuum cleaner salesman who went missing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Have you seen this man, Mr. Merrick?

Uh... yeah, no.

Yeah, first you said yes.

You said yeah.

You have seen him? He went missing about 10 days ago.

In this neighborhood.

Has it been 10 days?

OK. I'm gonna search the house, you keep her talking.

Yeah. Let's get to the part where...

Carl Merrick, are you still alive?

...where you either-- I'm just guessing. I'm gonna take a wild guess...

Dangle: hey, Carmen, where should I start looking?

...you either tied him up or...

You can start in the freezer. Or the--No, no.

Is he in one piece?

Well...

Mr. Merrick.

His head is.

OK.

Mm-Hmm.

OK. Um...

It's weird. It's just like a vacuum, like they come apart so easy.

People? Yeah.

Oh, my god! OK, he's not missing anymore.

We don't miss him.

Listen, listen, listen to me. I can ex--

Yes?

Well, first of all, can we get a smoothie?

Wiegel: sure, we can.

We're out here at the Sage Brush motorhome park

Serving a search warrant on a Mr. Steven Samantino.

A lot of scumbags live in this area.

It's a shame 'cause it's a really nice area.

Yeah, you kidding? It's like the Taj Mahal here.

[Dog barking]

Frank. It's this one. It's right here.

OK.

How do you know how to do this?

'Cause I know how to do it. I take a class at the learning annex.

Sheriff's department! Sheriff's department!

Sheriff's department. Sheriff's department!

Sheriff's department! Sheriff's department!

Sheriff's department!

Franky, are you OK?

I'm fine because no one--

[Vehicle driving off]

It's moving. What the fuck!

It's moving. What's going on? What's going on?

We're moving.

Why are we moving?

Why are we moving?

Stop this mobile home!

Let me out!

1, 2, 3! Tuck and roll!

I can't do it. What?

It's high. It looks so painful.

I'll do it.

All right.

Both: 1, 2, 3.

I can't do it.

Come back in.

OK. Let's go at the same time.

All right. OK.

Both: 1, 2, 3!

A federal witness we were keeping in protective custody.

When's the trial, two weeks?

Two weeks.

Mario? I guess. Mario? Are you Mario?

I've heard of this. There's times, you know, where the dog,

Like, can identify a smell. Ah, so the dog probably...

Lived with a murderer.

Yes, yes.

And so...

And they're gonna bring 'em on the stand,

And they're gonna bring Mario.

They're gonna ask the dog, they're gonna say,

Is this the man? And the dog will know by smell.

Yeah.

Good Mario.

Oh, maybe the dog swallowed some kind of,

Like, microfilm or something.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe he's got microfilm in him,

Like he swallowed some kind of evidence,

Some kind of, like, tape or, like, some kind of--

You know those new, weird little things

You can put in your computer,

And they're like discs but they're, like, little suppositories.

Little firewires.

Yeah, little firewires.

Yeah, maybe he ate a firewire. Did you eat a firewire?

Did you eat a firewire?

Did you eat a firewire, Mario.

Did you eat a firewire?

Are supposed to wait for this dog to poop some sort of evidence out? No, no, no.

I would have thought they would have told us

To check his poop for a firewire.

No, no. We're just supposed to turn--We're supposed to keep Mario safe.

Oh. Ho ho. Who's a good witness for the state?

Who's a witness for the state, Mario?

Who's a witness for the state?

Mario is a witness for the state. Ha ha!

Did you feel any firewire in there?

Ah. All right, look. You know what?

He's got to have something...

This guy's got to have something here to... to drink.

I could use a drink maybe.

I'm thirsty.

Ah, eureka! Huh? Huh? What about it?

I'm not usually a drinker.

Come on.

But today I drink.

Today you drink, right?

Here is to us getting to know

Each other a little better.

All right. Here is to us getting the fuck out of here

Before I blow my brains out.

OK, OK, touche.

I actually feel like I can stand a little bit better now.

Yeah?

Yeah. I'll have some more of that.

All right. It makes me feel--

All right, I'll do it.

I didn't think I was gonna have fun,

And I'm actually having fun.

I am, too.

I feel like we're at a disco.

It's kind of like a disco, huh?

Or like a mosh pit, right? Whoa, whoa. Oh.

Is that your penis?

That is my penis. Is that your vagina?

It is my vagina.

OK.

I don't hate this.

This is not a terrible thing.

This not the worst thing that has happened since we have been in here.

No. In fact, I would say it's the best thing that happened,

And I don't mind if it keeps happening for at least another 45 seconds.

Every time we do this, I get nauseous. The back and forth, winding...

Well, we got to. We got a 911 call from ranger Glen.

Man: ahh!

Declan: what happened?

Take it easy, buddy.

Get back. No, no, no. Don't come. It could be contagious.

Don't. A rabid cougar got my leg and tried to rip it off,

And I fought him, and he tried to get my stuff,

And I had to fight him off,

And he put--Took my tibia and grabbed a piece of bone out of my leg,

And he ran off with a piece of my bone,

And I--Get back!

It happened, like, two days ago,

And I didn't want to call you guys, so it started clotting up--

Two days you've been in this kind of crazy, screaming pain?

Yeah.

How come you didn't call us before then?

'Cause I don't like bothering you guys.

I know you hate coming out the 30, 40 miles to get here.

I'm really sorry, but this thing's got to get me into town for a couple weeks.

I got my day pack inside. I got--Are you guys thirsty?

What?

Wait a minute.

It's got, like--

Don't get close to it, officer. It's got, like--

What--

Don't eat my blood! What are you, a zombie?

Spaghetti sauce.

Come on, I'll show you.

I put spaghetti sauce on it, but there is a wound.

I'm not lying. I'm gonna come with you.

Declan: you're not-- Get out of here.

I have a--

You're not coming with us.

I have a compound fracture!

You do not.

911, Donner--Donner pass. We have a 911!

Give me that!

Man down! Man down!

Give me that. Give me that!

Man down! Big, big, big, big!

OK, OK.

You have the right to remain sexy.

Can I make a suggestion?

Yeah.

Can I take my pants off first?

Woo! Sweetie. Sweetie.

The pressure in that shower was unbelievable.

Who would have thought a moving motor home

Would have such good water pressure?

? lady in the shower should I be so lucky

Lady in the shower fucky fucky fucky ?

Ha ha!

You know who sang that?

You did. Just now.

Me. I sang it.

[Man singing in Italian]

[Man singing in Italian]

All right, kids, I am deputy Williams,

And I'm gonna talk to y'all

About keeping yourself safe from pregnancy.

Now, I know you've probably heard a lot,

You know, about condoms or abstinence

I'm gonna talk to you about something even better than that.

Mmm, getting your tubes tied.

Yes! Raise your hand if you know what an epidural is.

Anybody? All this? Mine is still dead.

I don't feel none of that. They're gonna cut you across here, all right.

Then they're gonna take the bottom of our stomach and they gonna clip, clip that

To your breast meat.

All right, now if some of y'all are still as flat-chested as you are right now,

They just gonna skiz it up underneath your ribcage.

Then you'll feel a tugging sensation, huh?

You feel this just being tugged on.

Then after that, you smell bacon.

Huh? All right. Because that's the laser burning your tubes.

Hopefully you do understand if you want to get

With your man, have a plan.

Ahh...

Ah, thanks. I'm gonna watch the game, I think.

The football game on.

Check out the game, crack open a beer,

Chill out, relax and adjust.

You know what? Wow.

What do you mean, wow?

Oh, just wow.

Wha... what do you mean, wow?

I just feel like a whore.

You and the-- Aw, here we go.

No, don't touch me.

Here we go.

No. Don't you know how that makes me feel?

Oh, how does it make you feel?

How do you think that makes me feel,

Like I'm slaving over the stove. It's like--

I didn't ask you to slave.

You said, "I'm gonna cut up these tomatoes."

Aw, now you're gonna make fun of my accent?

Hey, how about some spray cheese?

Ah ba ba ba ba! Here we go. Here we go!

...spray cheese than that.

Honeymoon's over, I guess. Honeymoon's over, OK?

You know what? Fuck it. I'll do the dishes.

No, no, fuck it. I'll do the dishes.

I should have known better than to fuck an Italian.

Fuck.

They are these brand-new Al-Queda dogs.

They're smart dogs.

They're smart dogs. And what they do is

They put these little chips in 'em.

It's a surveillance dog. Yeah. Right.

Are you an Al-Qaeda surveillance dog, Mario?

Is that why we're turning you over to the state's--

He looks a little bit like an Al-Qaeda surveillance dog.

And so like--

There's like a--There's a microphone in here.

I see something.

Testing, 1, 2, 1, 2, check, 1, 2. Mario mic check.

Mario microphone check.

This would have been a very good Encyclopedia Brown,

This sort of case.

[Telephone ringing]

Phone's not supposed to be ringing, is it?

No.

They're probably right outside the door.

What they're doing is they're checking to see if we're in here,

And if we're in here, they're gonna know I'm right by the phone,

And they're gonna come in and shoot in this corner.

I'm getting in front of the dog.

Yep.

OK. Is mar-- Get behind me, Mario.

You stay behind him. Stay behind him.

Stay right behind me, Mario.

Stay behind him, Mario. OK. Ready?

Swear to god.

[Hyperventilating]

Pick it up.

Room 304.

Uh, no, that's OK. We don't need turn-down service.

Thank you, though. Gracias. You have a nice day, too.

Kind of got to take a leak.

Go for it. I'll watch the witness.

Whew.

Then we'll check the hall again.

And then after that, we'll check the roof again, yeah?

Yeah, let's do a sweep of the roof.

We'll do a sweep of the hall... sweep again.

We ain't sweep the basement in a while either.

Uh, Junior?

Yes, sir?

There's no chance that this is Mario, is there?

That makes a lot more sense.

That's--Yep.

Dangle: and what's this word here?

Cindy: first time offender.

OK, what's this word here?

Uh, incarceration?

Very good. Yeah.

What's this here?

Bludgeon tool.

Bludgeon. Let's work on bludgeon.

Bludgeon.

One more time.

Maybe you say it for me and then I can--

Ready? Ready? OK.

Let's look at it together, and I'll say it.

OK. Bludgeon.

Bludgeon. Bludgeon.

Bludgeon. Bludgeon.

I'm gonna bludgeon you. Bludgeon.

My mouth don't go like that. How do you do that?

It doesn't have to go like that.

It doesn't have to go like that.

It's just a word. Is bludgeon.

Oh. Sawed-Off shotgun.

Exactly.

Uh, Cindy, I'm supposed to book Benjamin Talmadge

For 4 counts of grand ferony? Ferony? Feroni?

Yeah. Ferony.

What's that?

Oh, Cindy, that's--

Ferony. You know, there's, like, misdemeanor, there's ferony.

Ferony. Got it.

OK, you say that one time?

Ferony.

[Inhales deeply]

Ferony.

Pretty good.

Uh, I was having problems reading that report.

What is that word?

Rarceny. You know, it's when people steal something.

Called rarceny, right? Attempted rarceny.

It's a ferony.

Trudy! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! We stopped.

We stopped.

We stopped. We stopped. Take this, take this.

What? OK.

Here we go. OK.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too. OK.

[Salsa music playing]

Senor. Passaportes.

Uh... no tengo passaportes. No tengo at all passaportes.

[Speaking Spanish]

Can I offer you some money? Dinero? Dinero?

Robert Deniro, huh? Robert Deniro.

Hmm, you talking to me?

Well, my name is Chris.

My name is Glen,

And it's a pleasure to be here

To talk to you about your 401K program.

Are you guys excited? We say 401, you say K.

401.

All: K.

Glen and Chris: 401.

All: K.

Great job, great job.

You guys were in our premiere fund,

It's called the international fund,

We put all you guys in there,

And things were going so great.

You guys were making so much money.

Here's the bad news. Hold on. I know it's exciting.

As you may have read in the newspapers,

The economy collapsed all across the world,

And the international fund lost a shitload of money.

Yes.

What is the total value of our 401k's today, right now?

If we were taking it in cash.

The international fund with everybody from this department invested

Was worth over $12 billion with...

With everyone around the world that's what it was at the very beginning

Right now, it's worth just over $200,000.

$200,000.

It dipped. It dipped.

I don't want to get hung up on how much you lost

Because when I looked on your website,

It clearly said that you invest with the best possible decision-Making

And sometimes it benefits and sometimes you can't predict the future.

That's a great question. That's a great question.

That's a great question.

That's a great point and a great question.

Where did the money for our 401k's come from?

These are taken out of your paychecks.

It's deducted automatically

And is put away for your retirement.

We've been paying into this.

You've been paying into it.

You've been paying into this without even knowing it.

That's the beauty of it. You didn't even feel it.

It's planning for your future without even thinking about it.

You didn't even have to think.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you for doing that for us.

Thank you for letting us not have to make these hard decisions.

And you know what?

Yeah, we all make mistake. We all have problems?

But you know what? I'm not gonna blame you.

I'm not gonna blame you.

All I'm gonna say is thank you, and I'm gonna say whatever. I'm cool.

Thank you, officer Bates.

And we'll say it right off the bat--We're sorry.

Accepted.

There's nothing going on between me and Rizzo.

I don't even know why anyone would even have a recommendation

To say something so absurd like that.

Rizzo and I have nothing going on.

Nothing happened in a trailer between the two of us.

He did ever--He has never put his fingers inside of me

That I can recall.

We've never made out.

I never confessed my love to him,

And he has never, ever, ever come in me from behind.

That's absurd. That's absurd.

Uh. It seems specific, I know you're thinking. And it is.

I have a very photographic brain,

A lot like Ansel Adams

But in color and with a lot more insertion and pubic hair.

So you and Rizzo did it?

We fucked in the trailer, yeah.

Oh, hi, Sara. Ha ha!

Bates: Glen, 'cause I had to tell 'em.

Pat 'em down.

OK. Pat 'em down.

I had to tell them. It's very convenient.

Jail is very, very close.

Very, very, very close.

Get 'em out of here. Take off all their clothes.

Take off all their clothes.

It's a little prank. We'll hose 'em off. We'll strip 'em naked,

And we'll leave 'em in sparks.

We'll leave 'em in sparks. We'll leave 'em in sparks.

Ready? Strip 'em, hose 'em.

? OK, strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ?

? strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ?

? strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ?

? well, strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ?

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