Original subtitles

Peg, you're down here.

I must've been dreaming you ran off with that dwarf down at the bookstore...

...and that I'm living in sin with a Playmate centerfold...

...and her eight roommates...

...who can speak, but choose not to.

Al, that is so insulting.

You know, you sound as if you think women have nothing interesting to say.

That is so untrue. Take me, for example.

I have lots of interesting observations to share.

For instance, who but me would tell you...

...that your teeth have evolved...

...into the same lovely shade of yellow as your underwear?

Or that you have 10 times more hair in your nose than on your head?

Or that over the years you have shrunk several inches in height.

Gee, I... I wonder where they went.

There they are.

Which reminds me, Al.

- I want sex. - So do I...

...but I see no reason to drag you into it.

Al, there is nothing happening in our bedroom.

Well, Peg, if it's working, don't fix it.

Al, this isn't normal.

Everybody else has sex.

Everybody else has sex.

What are you doing, looking in windows?

Yes, I do.

And everybody else has sex.

Oh, God, I'm exhausted.

Sex, sex, sex all night long.

I know.

I told you I saw someone doing the wave.

Coffee, Marcie?

I'd offer Jefferson some...

...but he doesn't need anything to keep him going.

Well, Peggy, you seem grumpy.

That could mean two things:

You're not getting any...

...or even worse, you are.

The big goose egg.

- Again, that could mean two things. - Oh, Marcie.

I don't know what happened.

Al used to be so passionate.

All I had to do was undo a button, show some skin, and he was ready.

Yeah. Time was it was enough to be naked in a car with music playing.

I could get any man that walked by.

Well, that is, if it was late enough.

But now men need all the help we can give them.

I mean, think of men's sexual lives like on a graph.

Their prowess increases to a peak...

...then they hit a certain age and:

Look at them talking about me again.

You know, it's easy to complain. We're the ones that do all the work.

Many's the time I've thought, "Oh, I'd like to just lay there, you know...

...and occasionally toss out an, 'Oh, baby, oh, baby."'

You'd think my natural beauty would be enough just to look at me, you know.

I mean, you don't ask the statue of David to move a little.

Yep, it's a crime how men get handsomer and women just age.

Oh, and sure, I'd get excited too if I was going to bed with me.

Well, no such luck.

Oh, time was I used to have to think about baseball...

...just to slow things down.

Now I just wanna think about baseball.

How many times can you have sex with your hands like this:

Look, they're talking about me again.

But you get used to it.

You know, Marcie, that was really a wild nightgown...

...you had on last night.

Can I see it sometime?

No. Jefferson ate it.

- Oh, it was one of those edible things. - No, but he was hungry...

...and we didn't wanna stop.

That's a nice button. It goes with my zipper...

...that I found in my burrito at Illegal Pete's.

God, Marcie, you just seem to have no problem with Jefferson at all.

Yeah, right. You try fighting him for the mirror.

But in the bedroom, I know how to handle a man.

You see, men are like children.

They need to be amused. They want a show.

So you have to dress it up, you know? Entice them.

I know you look at me and think, "Marcie, you're a sex goddess.

Surely you need no help."

Yeah, I... I was thinking something like that.

Yes, well, brace yourself.

For even one such as I...

...must resort to costumes and desperate pleading...

...to have romantic, blinding sex.

What you should do is go down to Hemphley's Department Store.

They have the best lingerie department in town.

- Soon Al will be all over you. - Well, then I better stop...

...and get him some soap and a toothbrush and...

Oh, and an instruction manual.

Al.

Honey, I wanna go shopping with Marcie.

Give me money.

No.

Gee, honey, that's too bad.

You know, I was thinking of getting you a nice juicy steak.

Doesn't that sound good, honey?

Yeah, and Peg, and those... Those little rolls...

...that when you open them up, hot comes out.

Well, Al, hot is expensive.

Well, Peg, I've been saving all my money...

...for the big anniversary issue of Hooters In High Heels.

You know... You know, it's the issue that deals with...

...hoo... Hooters in high heels.

Well, I guess I don't have to make you a chocolate cake.

Chocolate cake, chocolate cake Eat so much you get a tummy ache

See you tonight, baby.

- He really believes you. - And why not?

Marriage is a sacred trust.

See you for dinner, sweetheart.

You know, Jefferson, I hope I made the right decision.

Hooters.

Chocolate cake. Hooters.

Chocolate cake.

Decisions, decisions. Well, I guess that's all part of being an adult.

- Yeah. - Jefferson?

What?

Choco-hooters.

You know, I think there might be something to that.

Peg.

I'm home.

- Hi, Daddy. - Yeah, sure.

Go away. I'm gonna eat.

I don't wanna feel bad about not giving you any.

Before I go, can I ask a question?

What's the difference between men and women?

One works...

...and the other's a woman.

So, Mrs. Darcy is a man?

Yes.

Then Mr. Darcy is a woman?

Yes.

No wonder you sell shoes.

Yes.

Oh, man, I'm gonna eat.

Just like they were 20 years ago when I bought them.

- Al. - It is I.

- And I am ready. - Do you want it, Al?

Oh, I want it.

- Do you need it, Al? - I need it bad, baby.

Supper's served.

Where is it, Peg?

Where is it, baby? Don't do this to me.

I'm wearing it, baby.

Well, take it off and fry it up. I'm starving.

Al, it's not food.

It's just me.

But don't worry. I'll make you forget all about food.

Well, honey, you've already done that.

Al, can you honestly look me in the eye...

...and tell me that this does not turn you on?

Well, Peg, I can look you in the anywhere and say that.

Can't be just me.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe nobody has sex anymore.

- Oh, God. - Oh, Bob.

Oh, Fong.

Oh, mailman.

Oh, God. Oh, Jefferson. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, Jefferson. Oh, God.

You hear that, Peg? Everybody in the neighborhood...

...but me is eating.

Peg, I don't wanna be here.

I don't feel comfortable in Undergarment World.

And the idea of you trying them on, frankly, gives me the jimmies.

Al, just look around and tell me if you see something you like.

Well, I like that.

Al, that is exactly what I had on earlier.

No kidding?

Well, what, did you have it on backwards or something?

So, what do you think, honey?

Well, what difference does it make?

We're married.

Well, maybe if that redhead over there was wearing it.

Look, Al. Like I have pleaded with you a thousand times in the bedroom...

...just look around. I'm sure you'll find something you like.

Peg, I don't belong here. This is not a place for men.

It's not healthy.

Case in point.

Now, I'm not just in college.

I'm in community college.

I saw this movie where this mannequin came to life...

...so if you can talk, please do.

Bud.

Oh, my God.

You know my name.

Do you also know what I like?

Bud.

You sound like my mother.

Hi, guys. I was just trying out some of my lines...

...that I use on my many human co-ed dates.

Yeah, sure. Like having you guys for parents had nothing to do with this.

Al, I think you better talk to him.

Well, you have ideas about what I should say?

No.

Can I help you?

Not unless you can take me back 20 years...

...and tell me not to marry a shoe salesman.

Actually, I'd like to exchange this for something...

...that will definitely interest my husband.

Well, I don't know. It would help if I saw your husband.

Never does me.

But brace yourself, there he is.

Here's one that might come in a little handy, somewhere down the line.

I call it the Bundy one-finger-bra-unhook.

My God. It's got me. No. Help me, Bud.

Don't panic, Dad.

I mean, old peculiar stranger.

Help me, Bud!

Help me, Bud!

Does nothing please him?

What does a normal woman have to do to keep her husband interested?

Not a day goes by...

...that I don't try to keep him happy.

God, I wish someone would dust around here.

Hi, Mom.

Not that I really wanna know, but how'd Dad like the outfit?

Well, he said what he really wanted...

...was the meat that used to live under this baby.

I give up.

I'd better just resign myself.

I'm just not attractive to your father anymore.

Although I do excite myself.

But then, I was never the problem.

Well, you're still attractive, Mom.

Dad's just going through one of those man phases.

I mean, it's probably not that easy for him anymore.

What is he now? Seventy-five?

Daddy is the same age as I am.

You're 75?

God, you look good.

Thank you.

Oh, but don't get down, Mom.

Lots of guys find you attractive.

Really? Like who?

Well, like my friend Buffy's grandfather.

All of his other friends were drooling over Betty White...

...but he wouldn't hear of it.

He said that you were better. And he was a very wise man, Mom.

He was 103.

You know, till he died.

In fact his last words were, "Peggy hot, Betty not."

Gee, that's very flattering, honey.

- Anyone younger? - Nope.

- You sure? - Yep.

- You don't wanna take a minute? - Nope.

Oh, my God. Then it's true.

It really is Daddy and me for the rest of our lives.

I guess I have no choice but to go back to that lingerie store...

...and buy something kinky this time.

Okay, if you must. But you shouldn't work so hard with Daddy.

You have to remember, attraction is a three-way street.

Or is it a one-way tunnel?

In any case, I do know that it's a four-lane highway...

...and it takes two to use the car-pool lane.

What I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned...

...is that there's absolutely nothing for us to watch on CBS...

...and that you have to be yourself.

A man has to love you for you, not for some costume.

He has to love who you are inside.

Oh, gosh.

Well, I guess it's back to Hemphley's.

Al.

What?

You can come out of there, Al. I'm going out.

But will you be back?

Yes. But don't worry.

I'm gonna turn this costume in and get you food.

No, you won't. It'll just be another tight outfit...

...showing your skin and scaring me.

That's it now, Peg.

I'm putting my foot down as the man of this closet.

- No more outfits. - All right, Al.

No more outfits. Tomorrow I'll get you food.

I knew it. No food downstairs.

Doesn't bother me at all.

Al not sad.

Come look under the covers, baby.

Now Al sad.

- I'll be in my closet. - Oh, Al.

There's something under here that might interest you.

This.

It's a steak, baby.

Doesn't it look good?

I love you.

Who wants a bite of this nice, delicious steak?

I do, I do, I do.

Come and get it, baby.

Good boy.

Is my big boy happy now?

Come here, Al.

No.

Well, if you don't...

...you're gonna miss out on this.

A nice, juicy prime-rib bone.

All right, baby. Time for dessert.

Good boy.

Daddy's home.

What's for dinner, baby?

Nothing, honey.

Nut 'n Honey cereal?

No, Al. I mean nothing, honey.

Well... Well, that can't be.

Well, there's nothing appetizing under there at all.

Now, Peg, if you expect me to pleasure you...

...I'm gonna need the same thing that Robert Mitchum needs.

A jowl tightening?

No. Beef, baby. Lay it on me.

Al, do you know that I cooked 4 hours...

...for that 5 minutes of sex we had?

It's just not worth it.

Well, I... Well, I... I can get better.

I could probably get up to six minutes.

Oh, honey, it's not that, it's j... It's just too much trouble.

Oh, yeah?

Well, look at this.

That ought to be worth a pot roast.

Al, it's just not worth it.

- I'll be in the closet. - I'll get another outfit.

I saw a little black one, see-through, feathers on the side.

What do you say?

It'll make my heinie look like a little apple.

Come on, what do you say?