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1
00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,953
Come on. It's obvious.
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,558
No?
3
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,398
Big Dave Bowers lent it to me.
4
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:10,839
Something borrowed.
5
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:12,791
Something blue.
6
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,159
I'm getting married!
7
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:15,758
Get the fuck off the bus!
8
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,518
You what? To... to whom? When?
9
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:21,155
This weekend. Jay from the Heath.
I've got your invites.
10
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,589
- This weekend?
- And to a Heath man?
11
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,552
Really? The last time I went there,
I thought I saw a man eating a fox.
12
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,272
- Turned out they were kissing.
- Don't start taking the mickey
13
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,309
out of the Heath.
14
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:30,839
It's not like it was when I was a kid.
15
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,838
It's a pagan backwater
with idiotic customs.
16
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,156
Hang on a minute. I'm not married.
17
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,872
I wondered when this
would become about you.
18
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:39,875
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
19
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,751
I'm not having it. I'm not having
you two be married and me not.
20
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:42,789
No, it's off.
21
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,718
This is good. You should use it
in your best man's speech.
22
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:46,909
The bride doesn't have a best man.
23
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,520
On the Heath they do.
The groom has a wedding pony.
24
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,869
For goodness' sake, Jo.
Do you even love him?
25
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,993
I love that he asked me. No-one's
ever asked me to get married before.
26
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,632
I mean...
27
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,636
this is petrifying.
28
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,033
Emma's coming.
29
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,834
What you saying?
I do a brilliant best man's speech,
30
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:06,869
it's both hilarious and moving.
31
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,990
Emma forgives all of the balls-ups
of the past few months
32
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:10,712
and agrees to have my baby.
33
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,352
Soon the kid replaces me in her affections
34
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,550
and I'm left going down the pub on my own,
35
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,194
to play darts with a guy
called Fat Monkey.
36
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,233
God, it's bleak.
But it's better than what I've got.
37
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,759
- I'll do it.
- Sorry?
38
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,313
Who the hell is this man?
39
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,510
- Is he solvent? Does he have a job?
- He's Jay C.
40
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:31,793
Yes, he's a digger driver. But it's only
temporary, until his rap career takes off.
41
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,114
You've lost your mind.
42
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,390
Hope you're going to be more positive
at my wedding, Brian.
43
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,112
I don't want a grumpy head usher.
44
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,798
- Ah!
- Me?
45
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:43,356
No way. A... a wedding needs months
of... of planning. It... it needs schedules.
46
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,960
There... there's protocol, traditions.
47
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,590
Oh, great. My pulse is racing.
48
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,712
Have you got any idea how long it's
taken me to get my cholesterol below 5.1?
49
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,913
Ah! The chief bridesmaid.
50
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,518
Oh, bloody hell.
51
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,630
Do I have to do that bit in the speech
where I say how nice they look?
52
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,671
Suck my dick!
53
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:18,000
Ripped By mstoll
54
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,519
We are invited. Look.
55
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:32,709
All right, I'll cut to the chase.
56
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,150
Emma's going to be there
and I forbid you to talk to her.
57
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,189
Why?
58
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,232
Well, I mean,
Alistair from maths's parents
59
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,748
are probably charming ex-lawyers
with a lovely home.
60
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,837
But I love you, Mum, but you're boring.
61
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,598
Who's Alistair?!
62
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,995
Daniel's love rival!
63
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,794
He thinks we're going to embarrass him
in front of Emma.
64
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,876
Poppycock!
65
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,876
I've found the perfect outfit.
66
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,549
It'll be great to feel the air around
my kite at a booze-up again.
67
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,115
- Tell me you're wearing underwear.
- I am of Scottish heritage, Daniel.
68
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,230
And proud.
69
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:08,633
Oh... oh!
70
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,716
I'm blind! She's blinded me!
71
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,675
Thanks. Bye-bye.
72
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,075
- Well?
- It's not that weird.
73
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,351
Proceedings are started by the
chief bridesmaid nostrilling a pony.
74
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,073
Yes, that's what
I asked you to ring about.
75
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,350
- What is nostrilling?
- She didn't say.
76
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,072
Look, mate, you're just
going to have to accept
77
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,838
that they do things
a bit differently on the Heath.
78
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,678
It's not a bit different.
It's a remake of The Wicker Man.
79
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,517
Dan, we have to put a stop to this.
80
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,357
Listen to the band they're making me hire.
81
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,954
They're called 8 Sausage Sunday.
82
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:48,989
We've got to call it off,
83
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,713
even if you do want to impress Emma
with your bloody speech.
84
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,797
I'm actually offended by that, Brian.
I'm here for Jo.
85
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,432
Right.
86
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,869
I'm going to open by saying,
87
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:02,310
"Ladies and gentlemen,
some things are just meant to be."
88
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,711
Then I'm going to glance knowingly
over at Emma.
89
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,433
And then I'm going to do
that meaningful head nod
90
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,438
that Robbie Williams does
when he sings ballads, like...
91
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,833
- Hello.
- Oh, you're here!
92
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,757
I haven't seen you since I was about 15.
93
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,314
Mwah! Brian, you remember Jo's mum?
94
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,955
Sandra's not my mum. She runs the hotel.
95
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,434
- Wonderful. Do you have a printer?
- I do indeed.
96
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,029
Oh, thank goodness.
A few very last-minute jobs.
97
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,277
Dan, I'm so excited. Apparently,
you get a certificate for being married.
98
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,276
It'll look pretty sweet next to my NVQ.
99
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,550
OK, listen, let's take it as read
that your excitement about this wedding
100
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,717
is based on a flawed and petrifying logic.
101
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,469
I have some questions.
Is there a mic I can use for my speech?
102
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,308
Yes, but Jay's very possessive about it.
It's his rap mic and...
103
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,032
Shh! Where is he?
104
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,036
He's gone to Mum's
to borrow some wedding shoes.
105
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,071
She's still got all the gear
from when her and Dad got married.
106
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,556
Trying to save a bit of money, at least
until his record contract comes through.
107
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,353
Oh, there'll be no record contract.
108
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,675
But you'll find that out
in your own sweet time. Now...
109
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:14,429
I need some personal touches to make me
sound sincere during the speech.
110
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,994
So, what's the thing
that you most have in common?
111
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,996
- We both love Chomps.
- Chomps?
112
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,393
Chomps, you know, the chocolate bar.
113
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,716
Right. I need something
a little more substantial than Chomps.
114
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,796
- So, something romantic?
- Got it.
115
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:30,516
Today we both coincidentally bought
each other the exact same present.
116
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,199
It was a Chomp, wasn't it?
117
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,800
I need insight, not Chomps.
Why are you marrying him?
118
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,910
- Well...
- I forbid you to use the word Chomp.
119
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,396
Look, Dan, marriage is an adventure.
You should get married.
120
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,079
Look at my mum and dad.
A lifetime of happiness.
121
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,759
Your dad left when you were seven
and no-one's seen him since.
122
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,189
Oh, yeah. Still good, though.
123
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,919
Jay's here! Jay, this is Dan.
124
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,871
'Ow do, monner! Mwah!
125
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,751
'Ow bist thee, chap?
126
00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,839
Well, I've no idea what that means,
but I am enjoying your wedding shoes.
127
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,996
Ah, them pinch a bit,
but they'll do the job.
128
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,109
They look wicked.
129
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,993
You two are very well suited, aren't you?
130
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,234
Jay, have you got a mic I can use?
131
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:13,319
You'm don't touch that mic.
You'm dunna touch it!
132
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,597
He's so passionate about his rap.
Don't worry.
133
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,710
I'll talk him round.
134
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,788
Was that her bloke?
135
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,308
They're not supposed to see each other
the day before the wedding.
136
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,669
It's madness here. There's no protocol.
137
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,597
That woman informed me
they're getting married in a barn,
138
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,473
warned me there's some strange creature
roaming the Heath,
139
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,512
and then set about printing off
my orders of service.
140
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,039
Yes, well,
that's what you wanted, isn't it?
141
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,877
Depends on your definition of printing.
142
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,115
Eeh! Eeh, eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!
143
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,276
Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!
144
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,072
Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!
145
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,236
Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!
146
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:53,910
Look, just relax. Jo's happy, and who
knows? Maybe I'll get to nail Emma.
147
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:57,111
Ah, you remind me
of one of the great poets.
148
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,037
Yeah? You remind me of him.
149
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,754
And remember,
the winner gets to sleep with Tony.
150
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:09,869
Ooh!
151
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,717
- Ah, Jo!
- You dirty buggers!
152
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,479
- Congratulations. Mwah!
- Thank you.
153
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,876
- And this must be your mum?
- No, she's not my mum.
154
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:21,754
Mum's having an early night, ready for
the big day. Do you want to see my ring?
155
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,639
Oh, it... it's lovely.
156
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,433
You're not going to believe this, Emma.
He made it.
157
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,075
That is just a pebble and some string.
158
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,111
Getting married is wicked.
159
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,435
Question one.
160
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:40,634
What does the Beast of the Heath
do to trick people?
161
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:46,998
You'd better come and see this.
162
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,917
Your aunt has decided
the men's room is more fun
163
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,838
and is currently beating the shit
out of a local man called Weasel.
164
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,518
It's a local Heath tradition, naturally.
165
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,994
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm keeping an eye on Moth-Face.
166
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,237
Ah! There y'are! You're up now, Dan!
167
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,874
- Big final!
- I'm all right, thanks, Jay.
168
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,434
It's only a game of hot pie. Come on!
169
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,510
- Hot pie?
- Hot pie.
170
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,790
Hurray!
171
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,034
Him's scared! Look.
172
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,832
Oh, I'm not scared. I'm baffled.
173
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,678
He is. He's shaking
like a shittin' dog. Look.
174
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,073
Hey, make a rap up about it, Jay.
175
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,873
Him scared like a sparrow!
Him scared like a sparrow!
176
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,878
Him... him fat like a marrow,
sitting in a barrow.
177
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,751
- Boom!
- Hurray!
178
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,156
OK, everyone, you carry on.
I'm out. See you later.
179
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,350
Oh, come on, Daniel.
Pull yourself together.
180
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,038
If you want to impress this...
this Emma girl,
181
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,719
you're going to have to
start acting like a man.
182
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,069
Yeah!
183
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,190
I mean, why did that get a cheer?
184
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,437
Yeah!
185
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,993
Apple pie buffet, two up.
186
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,712
Guys, I-I don't want to come across
as old-fashioned,
187
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,478
but why don't we go and get
a nice steak dinner,
188
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,397
toast the groom and get an early night?
189
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,556
Why are you both
trying to ruin the boy's night?
190
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,591
Boo!
191
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,279
All right, you want me to push a pie
into my own face, do you,
192
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,992
you fucking bread-munchers?
193
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,315
Fine, I can do that. So...
194
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,158
Argh! Ow! Fuck, that burns!
195
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,918
He's got the hot jam!
196
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,757
Yeah!
197
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,872
Aaah! Aaah!
198
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,755
Look at your face.
199
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,916
Why do you have to take part
in these ridiculous rituals?
200
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,633
I know. What's Emma going to think?
201
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,717
I had to rewrite the top of my speech.
202
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:25,912
"Hi, everyone. Who's your favourite
footballer? Mine's Frank Jam-pard."
203
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,319
You're supposed to be
giving me confidence!
204
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,316
Be quiet. Here comes Jo.
205
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,237
Bloody hell!
206
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,635
- You are getting married.
- Yeah, of course.
207
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,558
- You look all right.
- Thanks.
208
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,797
You look lovely. You are going to change
out of those wellies, though, right?
209
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,594
No. Mum only had one pair of shoes
and Jay bagsied them.
210
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,676
God!
211
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,749
You open by saying
how nice the bridesmaids look.
212
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,519
Did you see Shakira? She looks
like Ric Flair from WrestleMania.
213
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:02,633
Then you lie. Then you read out messages
from those who can't attend.
214
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,114
Yes. I've only got one.
It's from Jo's Uncle Samuel.
215
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,515
"Sorry I can't be there.
The ram killed Stephen."
216
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,232
No mention of who Stephen is.
217
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,041
- I thought Sam was giving you away.
- No, that's not Heath tradition.
218
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,275
- Well, who is, then?
- It'll only make you mad.
219
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,517
- Just tell me.
- This guy.
220
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:18,549
Ah.
221
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,910
OK, this is a hidden camera show,
isn't it?
222
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,359
What the hell's going on here?
223
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,389
What are you doing?
224
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:40,035
Doing a roadblock! Spreading terror!
225
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,389
- You don't look like terrorists.
- Well, we are!
226
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,431
So, you better meet our demands!
227
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,469
What's going on?
228
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,238
As far as I can work out,
229
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,477
it's three bell-ends with paper bags
on their heads, attempting to hold us up.
230
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,353
I heard that! You want to be careful,
calling us names!
231
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,994
We might do the old fatwa!
232
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,349
Doing the old fatwa!
233
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,791
Look, we're late for a wedding. I've got
a very important speech to do, so...
234
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:03,955
What's that burn on your face?
235
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,195
Never mind what the burn on my face is!
236
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,913
- Did you lose at hot pie?
- None of your business!
237
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,837
- Fuck off out of the way!
- Dan...
238
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,235
You don't tell the IRA to fuck off!
239
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:14,633
OK, that's it. I was being polite.
240
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,671
But if you're going to mix up
your paramilitary organisations,
241
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:17,709
I'm stepping in.
242
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,194
The IRA ceased operations
after the peace agreement,
243
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,993
and they certainly didn't do fatwas!
244
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,556
We might be the Taliban.
245
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,352
Or we may be the PTA!
246
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,549
What's that?
247
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,352
It's the Parents-Teachers Association.
248
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,517
I mean, they're arseholes, but they've
never resorted to sectarian violence.
249
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,993
These are our demands!
250
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,032
One! We want £25!
251
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,991
Two!
252
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,393
We want a nice watch!
253
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,398
What's going on?
The mouse is getting nervous.
254
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,193
- Three. We want a mouse!
- We don't want a mouse.
255
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,073
I know that voice.
Charlie Burrows?
256
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,873
What are you playing at?
You're too old for playing roadblock.
257
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,388
It's a game the kids play round here
for pocket money.
258
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,670
- It's sweet, really.
- It's deranged.
259
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,711
Look, we haven't got £25.
260
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,991
But I can... I can give you £6.
261
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,679
- What about a nice watch?
- You're not having my watch!
262
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,872
We'll have those wellies, £6,
and we'll consider lifting the roadblock!
263
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,478
And a mouse!
264
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,636
The mouse is giving her away!
265
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,716
These are my wedding shoes!
266
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,399
Just give them the wellies.
Let's get on with it.
267
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,919
We're not negotiating with these people.
268
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,633
Get back in the car.
I'll re-route the sat nav.
269
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,716
Good luck with that!
270
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,990
No! No, not the Scénic! No! No!
271
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,996
No!
272
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,837
Not again!
273
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,359
Arrrgh!
274
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,116
Straight away, when I go in,
I'll say, "All the salad."
275
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:42,472
And Carlos will look straight back at me
and he'll say, "All the salad?"
276
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,873
As if I haven't asked.
277
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,754
I've already made it clear I want
all the salad, and yet I still get asked.
278
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,149
Maybe, Brian...
279
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,435
...maybe knowing
you're with the right person
280
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,438
is about not having to ask
for salad at all.
281
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,234
Well? Feedback?
282
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,317
OK. I don't think love is
remotely like ordering a kebab.
283
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,399
Now, Jo, you said you thought
it was due south, right?
284
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,589
Yeah.
285
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,198
- Well, is it or isn't it?
- Honestly?
286
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,276
I don't know what due south means.
287
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:15,594
Then why the hell did you say it?
288
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:19,315
It's just you looked so cross
and I saw a giant poo back there,
289
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,238
which means the Beast of the Heath
is probably following us.
290
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,829
Jo, there is no mysterious creature
roaming these woods, laying massive turds.
291
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,872
Guys, I'm getting pretty stressed here.
292
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,956
But as usual, you're getting stressed
for the wrong reasons.
293
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,638
No-one cares about your speech.
294
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,353
Oh, OCD Tom Selleck!
295
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,039
They care about your Scénic
or your little seating plan, do they?
296
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,356
Guys, is all this stress about me
getting to the wedding on time?
297
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,515
- Yes.
- Of course it is.
298
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,755
OK. I need to tell you something.
299
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,713
I'm not letting this come off the rails
when I am head usher. Not on my watch!
300
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,911
OK, I've got a plan. Shh.
301
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,512
Right at the end, I'm going to yank
some of my nose hairs out.
302
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,835
It'll make it look like I've been crying.
303
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,634
She'll love it, Brian.
It'll be really emotional. Brian?
304
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,596
I've got a bad feeling about this.
They're definitely late now.
305
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,029
I'm sure they'll get here, Nesta.
306
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,914
Daniel's a silly boy,
but he wouldn't ruin Jo's wedding.
307
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,473
The boy's a fool, Polly.
308
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,556
They're a little late, aren't they?
309
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,511
Hm, good teeth.
310
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,916
Good breeding hips.
Yes, I can see why he likes you.
311
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,349
Nesta, we're not allowed.
312
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,197
Shoo.
313
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,993
Can we stop for five minutes?
We've been walking for hours.
314
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:38,029
No.
315
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,868
It's OK. I sort of knew I wouldn't
end up married today anyway.
316
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,798
Jo, it's the bride's prerogative
to be a little late.
317
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,354
- Not on the Heath.
- Oh, God.
318
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,550
I... I tried to tell you earlier.
319
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,635
Tell us now.
320
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,911
If the bride's more than three hours late,
the groom marries someone else.
321
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,474
It's pretty sweet, really.
It means there's always a wedding.
322
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,795
- You backwards lunatics!
- Come on, get up.
323
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,637
- We can still make it.
- Guys, you need to chill out.
324
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,992
People won't know where to sit! They won't
know the lyrics to the hymns! Oh, God!
325
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,749
Mum and Nesta are ruining my future,
as we speak!
326
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,870
No, the other guests will be arriving now.
327
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,593
Emma will be talking
to her friend from school.
328
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:15,709
What friend?
329
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,156
- Alistair.
- Hi.
330
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,988
- I didn't know you were coming.
- Looking lovely, Miss Lipsey.
331
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,952
- You did what?
- I thought you'd be pleased!
332
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,673
Oh, fucking hell, Jo!
333
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,269
This was my last chance!
It's all right for you two!
334
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,834
You've found someone
who doesn't mind how mental you are.
335
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,111
He's even found someone
who can put up with the tedium!
336
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:43,392
I've got no-one!
I go home to two old women!
337
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,956
Do you understand? I'm the only one
who hasn't got someone. I'm...
338
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,592
I'm the only one who's alone.
339
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,918
Oh, don't give me one of your smug looks.
340
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,110
She wants a divorce.
341
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,196
Julia.
342
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,674
She wants a divorce.
343
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,429
- Oh, Brian.
- Oh, mate.
344
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:15,473
It seems there isn't someone
who'll put up with my tedium.
345
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,194
Oh.
346
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,069
- I get it.
- Do you?
347
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,872
Of course.
348
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,195
You're gay, aren't you?
349
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,271
All these years.
350
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,356
What? No.
351
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,597
Oh, sorry. I... I thought this
was one of those moments.
352
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,234
- No!
- Oh.
353
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,077
The Beast!
354
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,680
I've told you, there's no such thing.
355
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,678
I told you I saw those giant poos.
356
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,353
Hardly surprising, guys.
I'm eating a lot of berries out here.
357
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,549
Dom?
358
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,477
We thought you were
the Beast of the Heath.
359
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,509
I wish.
360
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,391
I've been tracking it for years.
361
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,591
Once a year, I come and live in nature
with a view to seeing it.
362
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,392
Do you know how to get
to the wedding barn?
363
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,512
Of course! I am the Heath
and the Heath is me.
364
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,791
Guys, we can still make it.
I've still got the speech.
365
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,229
My jam burn's nowhere near as sore.
366
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,236
Maybe...
367
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,717
...maybe this little guy
did bring us luck.
368
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,274
Maybe, for once, we're not
the world's biggest losers.
369
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,470
Dan, owl! It's after the mouse!
370
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,669
Oh!
371
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,188
Oof!
372
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,913
Oh! My fucking nose!
373
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,309
What a quaint tradition
the "marry another" rule is.
374
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,998
How I love the Heath!
375
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,235
- You should stay for the dance, Dom.
- I will.
376
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,716
But know this, I have a simple rule.
377
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:48,231
If I attend a wedding,
I must make love to a woman.
378
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,919
I must and I always do.
379
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,155
But first I must pop back to the Heath.
380
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,873
I have some outsized
faecal madness to lay.
381
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,229
Dom, you don't think
you might be the Heath Beast?
382
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:05,074
Oh, my God!
This will be the size of a seal!
383
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,235
See you on the dance floor!
384
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,474
- Sorry, Jay, we got lost.
- Nah.
385
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,353
Don't matter, monner.
I married this 'un. Ha-ha.
386
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,631
- So sweet.
- Still upbeat. Incredible.
387
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,318
It'll still be a great old party.
388
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,157
I'll tell 8 Sausage Sunday to spark up.
389
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,952
Wicked.
390
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,073
- Dan, Emma's over there.
- Yeah, yeah, it's all right.
391
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,076
I know when I'm beaten.
392
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,758
Oh, my God.
393
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,792
- It's him.
- What?
394
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,673
Dan. You've always loved him.
395
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,280
No!
396
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,117
But you were staring meaningfully at...
397
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,878
Sorry. I thought it was
one of those moments.
398
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,831
No, I was looking at my mum.
399
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,556
- Dan.
- Oh.
400
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,478
You finally made it.
Looking good.
401
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,875
Alistair, stop this, all right?
402
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,797
I'm done.
403
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,229
Oh, God.
404
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,952
Both of my nightmares at once.
405
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,468
Daniel, it's not always about you.
406
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,034
Alistair and I are going
to join the festivities.
407
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,593
I'm sorry, who are you?
408
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,950
Why don't you go and say hello
to your friend Emma?
409
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,753
Come along, you. Come!
410
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,109
Nice nose.
411
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,550
- Yes. It's an owl attack.
- Hm.
412
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,239
It's all right, I get it.
413
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,794
I concede. Go on, go with him.
414
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:02,753
Dear God, Dan!
I'm not interested in Alistair.
415
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,791
Aren't you?
416
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,150
Oh, what? He's a good teacher
so I must like him, right?
417
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,077
- But...
- Dan.
418
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,835
- Marry me.
- What?
419
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,393
Tonight.
420
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,238
Why not? The vicar's still here, so...
421
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,755
- Why?
- What?
422
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,189
Why do you want to marry me?
423
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,639
Cos I love you. So...
424
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,519
You...
425
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,955
You silly bugger.
426
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,671
Come here.
427
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,679
All right?
428
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,951
You've got a nerve, showing up here,
Charlie Burrows.
429
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,758
Where's Brian's Scénic?
430
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,156
Sorry, mon, we wrote her off,
doing drag races on the farm.
431
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,394
Doesn't matter. Julia got it
in the divorce settlement anyway.
432
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,919
Bit of karma.
433
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,032
Oh, Brian. Shall we get some cider?
434
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:23,393
No. I think drinking in this frame of mind
could be a little dangerous.
435
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,876
I'll go and find Barbara. She's normally
got a Capri Sun for me in her bag.
436
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:35,196
Don't fancy coming to the farm one day,
do you? Bought a new rake.
437
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,515
Do you like... do you like Chomps?
438
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,878
Oh. He won't be troubling you any more.
439
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,558
What do you mean?
440
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,273
He's an even bigger wimp than you are.
441
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:32,309
Though I admit,
442
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:38,151
I did ask Weasel to add rather more
hot jam to his pie than was strictly fair.
443
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,275
Oh.
444
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,596
That's very sweet of you, Nesta.
445
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,916
I can't keep fighting
your battles for you.
446
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:53,875
So, listen, you go and you secure that
girl Emma while he's out of the picture.
447
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,276
Tell her you're ready to breed now.
448
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,269
She's leaving.
449
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,993
Hm? So soon?
But the party's only just starting.
450
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,350
No, I mean she's leaving.
451
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,436
She's got a head teacher's post overseas.
452
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,357
But I... I thought that...
453
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,277
So did I.
454
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,439
Hug from Auntie?
455
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,916
Yeah. Yeah, it does feel
like one of those moments.
456
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,270
Oh!
457
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,949
What are we going to do with you, Daniel?
458
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:27,500
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