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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,953 Come on. It's obvious. 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,558 No? 3 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,398 Big Dave Bowers lent it to me. 4 00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:10,839 Something borrowed. 5 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:12,791 Something blue. 6 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,159 I'm getting married! 7 00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:15,758 Get the fuck off the bus! 8 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,518 You what? To... to whom? When? 9 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:21,155 This weekend. Jay from the Heath. I've got your invites. 10 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,589 - This weekend? - And to a Heath man? 11 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,552 Really? The last time I went there, I thought I saw a man eating a fox. 12 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:28,272 - Turned out they were kissing. - Don't start taking the mickey 13 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,309 out of the Heath. 14 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:30,839 It's not like it was when I was a kid. 15 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,838 It's a pagan backwater with idiotic customs. 16 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,156 Hang on a minute. I'm not married. 17 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,872 I wondered when this would become about you. 18 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:39,875 Oh, no, I'm sorry. 19 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,751 I'm not having it. I'm not having you two be married and me not. 20 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:42,789 No, it's off. 21 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,718 This is good. You should use it in your best man's speech. 22 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:46,909 The bride doesn't have a best man. 23 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,520 On the Heath they do. The groom has a wedding pony. 24 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,869 For goodness' sake, Jo. Do you even love him? 25 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,993 I love that he asked me. No-one's ever asked me to get married before. 26 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,632 I mean... 27 00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,636 this is petrifying. 28 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,033 Emma's coming. 29 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,834 What you saying? I do a brilliant best man's speech, 30 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:06,869 it's both hilarious and moving. 31 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,990 Emma forgives all of the balls-ups of the past few months 32 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:10,712 and agrees to have my baby. 33 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,352 Soon the kid replaces me in her affections 34 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,550 and I'm left going down the pub on my own, 35 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,194 to play darts with a guy called Fat Monkey. 36 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,233 God, it's bleak. But it's better than what I've got. 37 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,759 - I'll do it. - Sorry? 38 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,313 Who the hell is this man? 39 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,510 - Is he solvent? Does he have a job? - He's Jay C. 40 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:31,793 Yes, he's a digger driver. But it's only temporary, until his rap career takes off. 41 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,114 You've lost your mind. 42 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,390 Hope you're going to be more positive at my wedding, Brian. 43 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,112 I don't want a grumpy head usher. 44 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,798 - Ah! - Me? 45 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:43,356 No way. A... a wedding needs months of... of planning. It... it needs schedules. 46 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,960 There... there's protocol, traditions. 47 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,590 Oh, great. My pulse is racing. 48 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,712 Have you got any idea how long it's taken me to get my cholesterol below 5.1? 49 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,913 Ah! The chief bridesmaid. 50 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,518 Oh, bloody hell. 51 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,630 Do I have to do that bit in the speech where I say how nice they look? 52 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,671 Suck my dick! 53 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:18,000 Ripped By mstoll 54 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,519 We are invited. Look. 55 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:32,709 All right, I'll cut to the chase. 56 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,150 Emma's going to be there and I forbid you to talk to her. 57 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,189 Why? 58 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,232 Well, I mean, Alistair from maths's parents 59 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,748 are probably charming ex-lawyers with a lovely home. 60 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,837 But I love you, Mum, but you're boring. 61 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,598 Who's Alistair?! 62 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,995 Daniel's love rival! 63 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,794 He thinks we're going to embarrass him in front of Emma. 64 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,876 Poppycock! 65 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,876 I've found the perfect outfit. 66 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,549 It'll be great to feel the air around my kite at a booze-up again. 67 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,115 - Tell me you're wearing underwear. - I am of Scottish heritage, Daniel. 68 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,230 And proud. 69 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:08,633 Oh... oh! 70 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,716 I'm blind! She's blinded me! 71 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,675 Thanks. Bye-bye. 72 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,075 - Well? - It's not that weird. 73 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,351 Proceedings are started by the chief bridesmaid nostrilling a pony. 74 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,073 Yes, that's what I asked you to ring about. 75 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,350 - What is nostrilling? - She didn't say. 76 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,072 Look, mate, you're just going to have to accept 77 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,838 that they do things a bit differently on the Heath. 78 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,678 It's not a bit different. It's a remake of The Wicker Man. 79 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,517 Dan, we have to put a stop to this. 80 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,357 Listen to the band they're making me hire. 81 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,954 They're called 8 Sausage Sunday. 82 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:48,989 We've got to call it off, 83 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,713 even if you do want to impress Emma with your bloody speech. 84 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,797 I'm actually offended by that, Brian. I'm here for Jo. 85 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,432 Right. 86 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,869 I'm going to open by saying, 87 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:02,310 "Ladies and gentlemen, some things are just meant to be." 88 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,711 Then I'm going to glance knowingly over at Emma. 89 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,433 And then I'm going to do that meaningful head nod 90 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,438 that Robbie Williams does when he sings ballads, like... 91 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,833 - Hello. - Oh, you're here! 92 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,757 I haven't seen you since I was about 15. 93 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,314 Mwah! Brian, you remember Jo's mum? 94 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,955 Sandra's not my mum. She runs the hotel. 95 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,434 - Wonderful. Do you have a printer? - I do indeed. 96 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,029 Oh, thank goodness. A few very last-minute jobs. 97 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,277 Dan, I'm so excited. Apparently, you get a certificate for being married. 98 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,276 It'll look pretty sweet next to my NVQ. 99 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,550 OK, listen, let's take it as read that your excitement about this wedding 100 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,717 is based on a flawed and petrifying logic. 101 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,469 I have some questions. Is there a mic I can use for my speech? 102 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,308 Yes, but Jay's very possessive about it. It's his rap mic and... 103 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,032 Shh! Where is he? 104 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,036 He's gone to Mum's to borrow some wedding shoes. 105 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,071 She's still got all the gear from when her and Dad got married. 106 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,556 Trying to save a bit of money, at least until his record contract comes through. 107 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,353 Oh, there'll be no record contract. 108 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,675 But you'll find that out in your own sweet time. Now... 109 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:14,429 I need some personal touches to make me sound sincere during the speech. 110 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,994 So, what's the thing that you most have in common? 111 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,996 - We both love Chomps. - Chomps? 112 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,393 Chomps, you know, the chocolate bar. 113 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:23,716 Right. I need something a little more substantial than Chomps. 114 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,796 - So, something romantic? - Got it. 115 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:30,516 Today we both coincidentally bought each other the exact same present. 116 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,199 It was a Chomp, wasn't it? 117 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,800 I need insight, not Chomps. Why are you marrying him? 118 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,910 - Well... - I forbid you to use the word Chomp. 119 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,396 Look, Dan, marriage is an adventure. You should get married. 120 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,079 Look at my mum and dad. A lifetime of happiness. 121 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,759 Your dad left when you were seven and no-one's seen him since. 122 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,189 Oh, yeah. Still good, though. 123 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,919 Jay's here! Jay, this is Dan. 124 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,871 'Ow do, monner! Mwah! 125 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,751 'Ow bist thee, chap? 126 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,839 Well, I've no idea what that means, but I am enjoying your wedding shoes. 127 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,996 Ah, them pinch a bit, but they'll do the job. 128 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,109 They look wicked. 129 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,993 You two are very well suited, aren't you? 130 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,234 Jay, have you got a mic I can use? 131 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:13,319 You'm don't touch that mic. You'm dunna touch it! 132 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,597 He's so passionate about his rap. Don't worry. 133 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,710 I'll talk him round. 134 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,788 Was that her bloke? 135 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,308 They're not supposed to see each other the day before the wedding. 136 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,669 It's madness here. There's no protocol. 137 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,597 That woman informed me they're getting married in a barn, 138 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,473 warned me there's some strange creature roaming the Heath, 139 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:37,512 and then set about printing off my orders of service. 140 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,039 Yes, well, that's what you wanted, isn't it? 141 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,877 Depends on your definition of printing. 142 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,115 Eeh! Eeh, eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 143 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,276 Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 144 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,072 Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 145 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,236 Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh! 146 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:53,910 Look, just relax. Jo's happy, and who knows? Maybe I'll get to nail Emma. 147 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:57,111 Ah, you remind me of one of the great poets. 148 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,037 Yeah? You remind me of him. 149 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,754 And remember, the winner gets to sleep with Tony. 150 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:09,869 Ooh! 151 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,717 - Ah, Jo! - You dirty buggers! 152 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,479 - Congratulations. Mwah! - Thank you. 153 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,876 - And this must be your mum? - No, she's not my mum. 154 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:21,754 Mum's having an early night, ready for the big day. Do you want to see my ring? 155 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:24,639 Oh, it... it's lovely. 156 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,433 You're not going to believe this, Emma. He made it. 157 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,075 That is just a pebble and some string. 158 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,111 Getting married is wicked. 159 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,435 Question one. 160 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:40,634 What does the Beast of the Heath do to trick people? 161 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:46,998 You'd better come and see this. 162 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,917 Your aunt has decided the men's room is more fun 163 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,838 and is currently beating the shit out of a local man called Weasel. 164 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,518 It's a local Heath tradition, naturally. 165 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,994 I'm not going anywhere. I'm keeping an eye on Moth-Face. 166 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,237 Ah! There y'are! You're up now, Dan! 167 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,874 - Big final! - I'm all right, thanks, Jay. 168 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,434 It's only a game of hot pie. Come on! 169 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,510 - Hot pie? - Hot pie. 170 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,790 Hurray! 171 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,034 Him's scared! Look. 172 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,832 Oh, I'm not scared. I'm baffled. 173 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,678 He is. He's shaking like a shittin' dog. Look. 174 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,073 Hey, make a rap up about it, Jay. 175 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,873 Him scared like a sparrow! Him scared like a sparrow! 176 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,878 Him... him fat like a marrow, sitting in a barrow. 177 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,751 - Boom! - Hurray! 178 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:28,156 OK, everyone, you carry on. I'm out. See you later. 179 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,350 Oh, come on, Daniel. Pull yourself together. 180 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,038 If you want to impress this... this Emma girl, 181 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,719 you're going to have to start acting like a man. 182 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,069 Yeah! 183 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,190 I mean, why did that get a cheer? 184 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,437 Yeah! 185 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,993 Apple pie buffet, two up. 186 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,712 Guys, I-I don't want to come across as old-fashioned, 187 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:47,478 but why don't we go and get a nice steak dinner, 188 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,397 toast the groom and get an early night? 189 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,556 Why are you both trying to ruin the boy's night? 190 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,591 Boo! 191 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,279 All right, you want me to push a pie into my own face, do you, 192 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,992 you fucking bread-munchers? 193 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,315 Fine, I can do that. So... 194 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,158 Argh! Ow! Fuck, that burns! 195 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,918 He's got the hot jam! 196 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,757 Yeah! 197 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,872 Aaah! Aaah! 198 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,755 Look at your face. 199 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,916 Why do you have to take part in these ridiculous rituals? 200 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,633 I know. What's Emma going to think? 201 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,717 I had to rewrite the top of my speech. 202 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:25,912 "Hi, everyone. Who's your favourite footballer? Mine's Frank Jam-pard." 203 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,319 You're supposed to be giving me confidence! 204 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,316 Be quiet. Here comes Jo. 205 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,237 Bloody hell! 206 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,635 - You are getting married. - Yeah, of course. 207 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,558 - You look all right. - Thanks. 208 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,797 You look lovely. You are going to change out of those wellies, though, right? 209 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,594 No. Mum only had one pair of shoes and Jay bagsied them. 210 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,676 God! 211 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,749 You open by saying how nice the bridesmaids look. 212 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,519 Did you see Shakira? She looks like Ric Flair from WrestleMania. 213 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:02,633 Then you lie. Then you read out messages from those who can't attend. 214 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,114 Yes. I've only got one. It's from Jo's Uncle Samuel. 215 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,515 "Sorry I can't be there. The ram killed Stephen." 216 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,232 No mention of who Stephen is. 217 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,041 - I thought Sam was giving you away. - No, that's not Heath tradition. 218 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,275 - Well, who is, then? - It'll only make you mad. 219 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,517 - Just tell me. - This guy. 220 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:18,549 Ah. 221 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,910 OK, this is a hidden camera show, isn't it? 222 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,359 What the hell's going on here? 223 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,389 What are you doing? 224 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:40,035 Doing a roadblock! Spreading terror! 225 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,389 - You don't look like terrorists. - Well, we are! 226 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,431 So, you better meet our demands! 227 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,469 What's going on? 228 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,238 As far as I can work out, 229 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,477 it's three bell-ends with paper bags on their heads, attempting to hold us up. 230 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,353 I heard that! You want to be careful, calling us names! 231 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,994 We might do the old fatwa! 232 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,349 Doing the old fatwa! 233 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,791 Look, we're late for a wedding. I've got a very important speech to do, so... 234 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:03,955 What's that burn on your face? 235 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,195 Never mind what the burn on my face is! 236 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,913 - Did you lose at hot pie? - None of your business! 237 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,837 - Fuck off out of the way! - Dan... 238 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,235 You don't tell the IRA to fuck off! 239 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:14,633 OK, that's it. I was being polite. 240 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,671 But if you're going to mix up your paramilitary organisations, 241 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:17,709 I'm stepping in. 242 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,194 The IRA ceased operations after the peace agreement, 243 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,993 and they certainly didn't do fatwas! 244 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,556 We might be the Taliban. 245 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,352 Or we may be the PTA! 246 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,549 What's that? 247 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,352 It's the Parents-Teachers Association. 248 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,517 I mean, they're arseholes, but they've never resorted to sectarian violence. 249 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:35,993 These are our demands! 250 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,032 One! We want £25! 251 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,991 Two! 252 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,393 We want a nice watch! 253 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,398 What's going on? The mouse is getting nervous. 254 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,193 - Three. We want a mouse! - We don't want a mouse. 255 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,073 I know that voice. Charlie Burrows? 256 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,873 What are you playing at? You're too old for playing roadblock. 257 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,388 It's a game the kids play round here for pocket money. 258 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,670 - It's sweet, really. - It's deranged. 259 00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,711 Look, we haven't got £25. 260 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,991 But I can... I can give you £6. 261 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,679 - What about a nice watch? - You're not having my watch! 262 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,872 We'll have those wellies, £6, and we'll consider lifting the roadblock! 263 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,478 And a mouse! 264 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,636 The mouse is giving her away! 265 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,716 These are my wedding shoes! 266 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,399 Just give them the wellies. Let's get on with it. 267 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,919 We're not negotiating with these people. 268 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,633 Get back in the car. I'll re-route the sat nav. 269 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,716 Good luck with that! 270 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,990 No! No, not the Scénic! No! No! 271 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,996 No! 272 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,837 Not again! 273 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,359 Arrrgh! 274 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,116 Straight away, when I go in, I'll say, "All the salad." 275 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:42,472 And Carlos will look straight back at me and he'll say, "All the salad?" 276 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,873 As if I haven't asked. 277 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,754 I've already made it clear I want all the salad, and yet I still get asked. 278 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,149 Maybe, Brian... 279 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,435 ...maybe knowing you're with the right person 280 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,438 is about not having to ask for salad at all. 281 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,234 Well? Feedback? 282 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,317 OK. I don't think love is remotely like ordering a kebab. 283 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,399 Now, Jo, you said you thought it was due south, right? 284 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,589 Yeah. 285 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,198 - Well, is it or isn't it? - Honestly? 286 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,276 I don't know what due south means. 287 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:15,594 Then why the hell did you say it? 288 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:19,315 It's just you looked so cross and I saw a giant poo back there, 289 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:22,238 which means the Beast of the Heath is probably following us. 290 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,829 Jo, there is no mysterious creature roaming these woods, laying massive turds. 291 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,872 Guys, I'm getting pretty stressed here. 292 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,956 But as usual, you're getting stressed for the wrong reasons. 293 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,638 No-one cares about your speech. 294 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,353 Oh, OCD Tom Selleck! 295 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,039 They care about your Scénic or your little seating plan, do they? 296 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,356 Guys, is all this stress about me getting to the wedding on time? 297 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,515 - Yes. - Of course it is. 298 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,755 OK. I need to tell you something. 299 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,713 I'm not letting this come off the rails when I am head usher. Not on my watch! 300 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,911 OK, I've got a plan. Shh. 301 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,512 Right at the end, I'm going to yank some of my nose hairs out. 302 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,835 It'll make it look like I've been crying. 303 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,634 She'll love it, Brian. It'll be really emotional. Brian? 304 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,596 I've got a bad feeling about this. They're definitely late now. 305 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,029 I'm sure they'll get here, Nesta. 306 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,914 Daniel's a silly boy, but he wouldn't ruin Jo's wedding. 307 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,473 The boy's a fool, Polly. 308 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,556 They're a little late, aren't they? 309 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,511 Hm, good teeth. 310 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,916 Good breeding hips. Yes, I can see why he likes you. 311 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,349 Nesta, we're not allowed. 312 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,197 Shoo. 313 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,993 Can we stop for five minutes? We've been walking for hours. 314 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:38,029 No. 315 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,868 It's OK. I sort of knew I wouldn't end up married today anyway. 316 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,798 Jo, it's the bride's prerogative to be a little late. 317 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,354 - Not on the Heath. - Oh, God. 318 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,550 I... I tried to tell you earlier. 319 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,635 Tell us now. 320 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,911 If the bride's more than three hours late, the groom marries someone else. 321 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,474 It's pretty sweet, really. It means there's always a wedding. 322 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,795 - You backwards lunatics! - Come on, get up. 323 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,637 - We can still make it. - Guys, you need to chill out. 324 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,992 People won't know where to sit! They won't know the lyrics to the hymns! Oh, God! 325 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,749 Mum and Nesta are ruining my future, as we speak! 326 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,870 No, the other guests will be arriving now. 327 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,593 Emma will be talking to her friend from school. 328 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:15,709 What friend? 329 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,156 - Alistair. - Hi. 330 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,988 - I didn't know you were coming. - Looking lovely, Miss Lipsey. 331 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,952 - You did what? - I thought you'd be pleased! 332 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,673 Oh, fucking hell, Jo! 333 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,269 This was my last chance! It's all right for you two! 334 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,834 You've found someone who doesn't mind how mental you are. 335 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,111 He's even found someone who can put up with the tedium! 336 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:43,392 I've got no-one! I go home to two old women! 337 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,956 Do you understand? I'm the only one who hasn't got someone. I'm... 338 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,592 I'm the only one who's alone. 339 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,918 Oh, don't give me one of your smug looks. 340 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,110 She wants a divorce. 341 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,196 Julia. 342 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,674 She wants a divorce. 343 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,429 - Oh, Brian. - Oh, mate. 344 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:15,473 It seems there isn't someone who'll put up with my tedium. 345 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,194 Oh. 346 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,069 - I get it. - Do you? 347 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,872 Of course. 348 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,195 You're gay, aren't you? 349 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,271 All these years. 350 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,356 What? No. 351 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,597 Oh, sorry. I... I thought this was one of those moments. 352 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,234 - No! - Oh. 353 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,077 The Beast! 354 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,680 I've told you, there's no such thing. 355 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,678 I told you I saw those giant poos. 356 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,353 Hardly surprising, guys. I'm eating a lot of berries out here. 357 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,549 Dom? 358 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,477 We thought you were the Beast of the Heath. 359 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,509 I wish. 360 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,391 I've been tracking it for years. 361 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,591 Once a year, I come and live in nature with a view to seeing it. 362 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,392 Do you know how to get to the wedding barn? 363 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,512 Of course! I am the Heath and the Heath is me. 364 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,791 Guys, we can still make it. I've still got the speech. 365 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,229 My jam burn's nowhere near as sore. 366 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,236 Maybe... 367 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,717 ...maybe this little guy did bring us luck. 368 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,274 Maybe, for once, we're not the world's biggest losers. 369 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,470 Dan, owl! It's after the mouse! 370 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,669 Oh! 371 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,188 Oof! 372 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,913 Oh! My fucking nose! 373 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,309 What a quaint tradition the "marry another" rule is. 374 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,998 How I love the Heath! 375 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,235 - You should stay for the dance, Dom. - I will. 376 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,716 But know this, I have a simple rule. 377 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:48,231 If I attend a wedding, I must make love to a woman. 378 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,919 I must and I always do. 379 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,155 But first I must pop back to the Heath. 380 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,873 I have some outsized faecal madness to lay. 381 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,229 Dom, you don't think you might be the Heath Beast? 382 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:05,074 Oh, my God! This will be the size of a seal! 383 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,235 See you on the dance floor! 384 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,474 - Sorry, Jay, we got lost. - Nah. 385 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,353 Don't matter, monner. I married this 'un. Ha-ha. 386 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,631 - So sweet. - Still upbeat. Incredible. 387 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,318 It'll still be a great old party. 388 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,157 I'll tell 8 Sausage Sunday to spark up. 389 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,952 Wicked. 390 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,073 - Dan, Emma's over there. - Yeah, yeah, it's all right. 391 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,076 I know when I'm beaten. 392 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:42,758 Oh, my God. 393 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,792 - It's him. - What? 394 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,673 Dan. You've always loved him. 395 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,280 No! 396 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,117 But you were staring meaningfully at... 397 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,878 Sorry. I thought it was one of those moments. 398 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,831 No, I was looking at my mum. 399 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,556 - Dan. - Oh. 400 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,478 You finally made it. Looking good. 401 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,875 Alistair, stop this, all right? 402 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,797 I'm done. 403 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,229 Oh, God. 404 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,952 Both of my nightmares at once. 405 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,468 Daniel, it's not always about you. 406 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,034 Alistair and I are going to join the festivities. 407 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,593 I'm sorry, who are you? 408 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,950 Why don't you go and say hello to your friend Emma? 409 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,753 Come along, you. Come! 410 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,109 Nice nose. 411 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,550 - Yes. It's an owl attack. - Hm. 412 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,239 It's all right, I get it. 413 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,794 I concede. Go on, go with him. 414 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:02,753 Dear God, Dan! I'm not interested in Alistair. 415 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,791 Aren't you? 416 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,150 Oh, what? He's a good teacher so I must like him, right? 417 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,077 - But... - Dan. 418 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,835 - Marry me. - What? 419 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:19,393 Tonight. 420 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,238 Why not? The vicar's still here, so... 421 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,755 - Why? - What? 422 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,189 Why do you want to marry me? 423 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,639 Cos I love you. So... 424 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,519 You... 425 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,955 You silly bugger. 426 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,671 Come here. 427 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:58,679 All right? 428 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,951 You've got a nerve, showing up here, Charlie Burrows. 429 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,758 Where's Brian's Scénic? 430 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,156 Sorry, mon, we wrote her off, doing drag races on the farm. 431 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:13,394 Doesn't matter. Julia got it in the divorce settlement anyway. 432 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,919 Bit of karma. 433 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:18,032 Oh, Brian. Shall we get some cider? 434 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:23,393 No. I think drinking in this frame of mind could be a little dangerous. 435 00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,876 I'll go and find Barbara. She's normally got a Capri Sun for me in her bag. 436 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:35,196 Don't fancy coming to the farm one day, do you? Bought a new rake. 437 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,515 Do you like... do you like Chomps? 438 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,878 Oh. He won't be troubling you any more. 439 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,558 What do you mean? 440 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,273 He's an even bigger wimp than you are. 441 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:32,309 Though I admit, 442 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:38,151 I did ask Weasel to add rather more hot jam to his pie than was strictly fair. 443 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,275 Oh. 444 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,596 That's very sweet of you, Nesta. 445 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,916 I can't keep fighting your battles for you. 446 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:53,875 So, listen, you go and you secure that girl Emma while he's out of the picture. 447 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,276 Tell her you're ready to breed now. 448 00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,269 She's leaving. 449 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,993 Hm? So soon? But the party's only just starting. 450 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,350 No, I mean she's leaving. 451 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,436 She's got a head teacher's post overseas. 452 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,357 But I... I thought that... 453 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,277 So did I. 454 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,439 Hug from Auntie? 455 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,916 Yeah. Yeah, it does feel like one of those moments. 456 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,270 Oh! 457 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,949 What are we going to do with you, Daniel? 458 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:27,500 Ripped By mstoll 35643

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