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1
00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:05,436
Well, that was really interesting.
2
00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:07,277
Yeah, it's bloody chaos over here,
isn't it?
3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:10,392
Yeah, if I didn't know you were in charge,
I'd think no-one was.
4
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,715
Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry about Karen,
5
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,069
I don't normally have to
slam them down that hard.
6
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,475
Well,
if a little girl insults you so openly...
7
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:19,476
Thank you
8
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,670
So where are you off to next? Maths?
Take a book.
9
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,996
No. No, they're good as gold over there.
10
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,109
They're...
11
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,991
they're workers.
12
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,351
How many opted for drama GCSE last year?
13
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:34,389
GCSE drama?
14
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,353
Piece of piss!
Shouldn't be a real subject.
15
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,312
Seven.
16
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,078
Seven?
17
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,838
OK, thanks.
18
00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,874
Emma, see you for
the management meeting at one.
19
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,035
Yeah.
20
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,191
I mean, they're proper headcases,
though, the seven.
21
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,834
That fucking little rat - Karen.
22
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,110
- You can't talk to the kids like that.
- Oh, right,
23
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,434
you'd let a child call you
24
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:02,833
- "a jowly turd", would you?
- Well,
25
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,393
I wouldn't have resorted to
cussing her mother.
26
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:05,429
Come on, Emma,
27
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,311
you've seen the woman,
she looks like a moth.
28
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:10,193
And why is he being all mysterious
about the GCSE?
29
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,992
Leaving a big pause after seven.
30
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,439
"Seven."
31
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,232
He thinks he's fucking Poirot!
32
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,679
I can't keep covering your arse, Dan.
33
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,109
He doesn't like the arts,
he's made that clear.
34
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,550
You need to add some serious value
to your department.
35
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,919
Do you know what that means?
36
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,473
Yes, I know what that means.
37
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,238
It means letting the new head teabag me.
38
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,157
"Oh, hello, new head, oooh..."
39
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,356
"...Ooh,
let's get these all squeaky clean.
40
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,039
"Are you waxing these? They're very soft."
41
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,875
U-u-um...
42
00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,155
I'm sorry, I don't know
where that came from, I'm very tired.
43
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,317
Anyway...
44
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,271
would you like to go for another drink
sometime?
45
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:55,758
No?
46
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:12,000
Ripped By mstoll
47
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,072
Well, well, well.
48
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,872
No surprise there.
49
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:30,195
My God, social convention
means nothing to you, does it?
50
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,673
No.
51
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:32,914
What does it mean?
52
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,791
I throw down the paper
53
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,512
and say something to draw your attention,
54
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:37,959
so you say...
55
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,553
- Hello, Brian.
- No!
56
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,592
No, you don't say, "Hello, Brian,"
you ask me what's on my mind.
57
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,039
I didn't realise you were talking to me.
58
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:47,115
You didn't say, "Jo."
59
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,309
You and I are the only ones here.
60
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:49,588
Shakira's over there.
61
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,392
I wasn't speaking loud enough
for Shakira to hear,
62
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,078
so I must have been speaking to you.
63
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,712
Oi!
64
00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:57,473
What about Big Dave Bowers?
65
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:58,635
He's behind me.
66
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,910
I would have turned my head
if I was speaking to Big Dave Bowers.
67
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,871
- What?
- Sorry, Dave, I wasn't talking to you.
68
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:03,955
You said my name.
69
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,274
Jesus Christ!
70
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,959
All right? Special, please, Shakira.
71
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,036
Bob, egg invasion!
72
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,072
Egg invasion?! That's a sharing plate.
Do you want a heart attack?
73
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,189
Yes, I do, actually.
74
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,071
The sweet release
of my inevitable coronary
75
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,315
will be better than
taking children to the theatre.
76
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,191
Oh, my God!
77
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:21,798
Amazing! The theatre?
78
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:25,355
That's where they have all those
mad horses and that, isn't it?
79
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,311
I don't know, I've never been.
80
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,191
- What's on?
- I don't know.
81
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,468
I just went to the box office
82
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,431
and said, "30 tickets for
whatever shit you've got on."
83
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,311
The Phant.
84
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,634
That'll be in here.
85
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,591
I wouldn't rely on that rag.
86
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,677
Last week's scoop
was a story about a farting dentist.
87
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:41,994
Tabloid rubbish.
88
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:44,634
I've told you, if you want to get
a letter published in the paper,
89
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,636
stop writing about untidy roundabouts.
90
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,874
It's a bloody eyesore!
91
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,036
Oh, my God, listen to this.
92
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,911
"This re-imagining of
the John Merrick story
93
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,794
"stars an excellent cast
and local boy Geoff Doogan!"
94
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,913
Oi!
95
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:01,069
Geoff Doogan?!
96
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,157
Deadly Doogan. Duffer Doogan.
97
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,395
Doogan play that game. Oh...
98
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,158
He's back.
99
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,475
Geoff Doogan from our school? Nice lad.
100
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,714
What?!
101
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,399
He made my life hell, Brian.
102
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,476
Why do you think I'm all Pip Schofield?
103
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,476
How come you two haven't got grey hair?
104
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,954
It's because Jo and I
are six years younger than you.
105
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,356
Because when you were in sixth form,
your best friends were two Year 7 s.
106
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,994
I've got to go to work.
107
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,192
Geoff Doogan, a proper actor.
108
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,236
I hope he gets to see me do my new job.
109
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,759
What new job?
110
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:41,555
Gary Barlow's got a beard.
111
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:42,476
I'm Howard.
112
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,714
- So has he.
- I'm Jason.
113
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,193
- He's left.
- I'm Mark.
114
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:46,878
Uncanny.
115
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:57,395
Problems, Dan?
116
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,353
Oh, God!
117
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,277
Hello, Dom.
118
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:06,715
Whalebone.
119
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,557
Look, what do you want, mate?
120
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,160
We meet on Thursdays, my place. My card.
121
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,430
Yes, with respect,
122
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,471
the last time that you helped me,
I shat myself
123
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,398
in front of my girlfriend and now
she lives with another man, so...
124
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:22,553
The bottom ones are burnt.
125
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,033
I'm not hiding it.
126
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,433
It's not running club,
127
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:26,959
I use a different discipline now.
128
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,434
I think you may find it interesting.
129
00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,159
I feel a bit stupid now I'm here.
130
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,638
I sort of came for some advice.
131
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,910
It's Geoff, Dad.
132
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,871
Doogan's back.
133
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,911
And I know you'd be laughing at me,
134
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,996
and saying,
"Oooh, you're a chicken," and...
135
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:51,199
...probably saying that my penis is tiny,
tiny like a wine stopper, I know.
136
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,516
But I think you'd also tell me what to do.
137
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,630
Yeah, I just read that, er,
138
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,956
The Curious Incident
Of The Dog In The Night-Time.
139
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:05,198
No joke of a lie, Stan,
it's better than that, er, the old, um...
140
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,117
Sorry, mate...
141
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,151
...Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
142
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,918
...could you?
143
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,678
- Have you read it?
- I've seen the film.
144
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,870
Superb adaptation.
145
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,639
You know how much I like Emma, Dad...
146
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:22,708
Absolutely lovely chat with the chap
kneeling down in beige trousers,
147
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,274
just above your head to the left.
148
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:26,799
- He's, er...
- Mate, I'm sorry,
149
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,512
could you talk to your...
150
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:29,754
Uncle.
151
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,234
Could you talk to your uncle quietly
152
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:33,679
and not about me?
153
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,790
Oh, right, I do beg your pardon.
154
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,068
OK.
155
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,152
Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall?
156
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,670
Shut up! Shut up!
157
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,678
Honestly, mate, you are so boring!
158
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,398
So boring!
159
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,994
What am I doing down here?
160
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,189
Here he is.
161
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,117
Ah, Daniel.
162
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,789
- Not now, Nesta, please.
- Your mother is very worried.
163
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:06,829
- I am.
- Why?
164
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,189
Have the EU made it illegal
to nibble shortbread
165
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,719
and obsess about the weather
166
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,115
Big Dave Bowers told me
167
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,355
Geoff Doogan is in town.
168
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,072
And I know how much he made you cry.
169
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,111
What the hell are you doing
talking to Big Dave Bowers?
170
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,754
Well, I went to buy some chops.
171
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,279
Hmm, pissy little things they were too,
172
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:24,912
but I'll deal with Bowers later.
173
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,793
The point is, we cannot have you,
a grown man, quivering
174
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,432
like a cornered shrew
175
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,630
- because your old bully is back in town.
- We can't.
176
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,079
How long is she staying?
177
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,633
It's been three months.
178
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,638
Should you not be back at the farm,
randomly executing wildlife?
179
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:38,874
Boy's hysterical.
180
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,035
Leave him to me, Polly.
181
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:45,912
- Right, come here, boy.
- What?
182
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:46,915
Come!
183
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:54,476
Now, Daniel, you throw
a bucket of water over a lesbian,
184
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,909
she'll be shocked for a moment.
And then an hour later,
185
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,235
she'll be back scissoring
one of her short-haired friends,
186
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,838
and why shouldn't she be?
187
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,154
Do you take my point?
188
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,509
No!
189
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,073
Role play it is, then.
190
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,317
- Oh...
- You'll be Geoff Doogan, I'll be you.
191
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,112
Jesus Christ!
192
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:15,794
Oh, that's me, is it
193
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,991
Oh, come on, boy, what is the worst thing
he's ever said to you?
194
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,792
Nesta, please.
195
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,910
OK, you want to do this, let's do this.
196
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,838
Oi, Davies, you pissy bag of asthma!
197
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:28,869
Where you been?
198
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,195
Round the back of the sports hall
drinking from your own wang?
199
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,117
No, Geoff Doogan,
200
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,752
I am making soup -
201
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,837
a hearty food favoured by men!
202
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,550
Take that!
203
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,160
Ow!
204
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,394
Ow!
205
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,193
Right, end of bullying!
206
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:51,277
Hug me, Geoff, I'm the pack leader.
207
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:52,389
You've...
208
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,715
you've burnt my penis!
209
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:02,115
Oh, sir,
has the elephant escaped or something?
210
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,993
It's not a real elephant, Robin,
is it, you bitch?!
211
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,759
He's cancelled it, miss.
212
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:08,676
What?
213
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,314
Apparently he's ill.
214
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,272
What's the matter with you?
215
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,150
Dan?
216
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,316
You're going to make me say it,
aren't you?
217
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,793
In front of the children.
218
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,512
All right,
219
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,629
I've got a soup burn...
220
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:22,999
... down there.
221
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,393
Sir's burnt his dick.
222
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:26,874
Mr Davies,
223
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:28,433
this trip...
224
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:30,589
...is happening.
225
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:34,838
Oh, it was fine for you to cancel a trip
to Chatterley Gardens, though, wasn't it?
226
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,438
My mother had died!
227
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,277
Oh, yes, I'm so sorry.
228
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,355
Get off!
229
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,595
A trip, eh? Impressive.
230
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:45,959
Almost a real subject.
231
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,515
Guys, please greet Dan the usual way.
232
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,710
Peace and absolute knowledge, Dan.
233
00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:00,150
These guys are a little further ahead
in the process, Dan.
234
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,713
Yeah.
235
00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,116
Dom, I'm sorry, I don't think
I want to be part of the process.
236
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,720
Well, you should -
the process is incredible.
237
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,273
Thank you, Maxwell,
238
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,550
you've made great progress since
you've been through your regression.
239
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,192
I'm still scared of that tiny man, though.
240
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,229
It will take time.
241
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,271
- He chased me for ages.
- Maxwell...
242
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,313
...the floor isn't yours today.
243
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:20,315
Sorry.
244
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:21,509
What does he need to face?
245
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,790
I'm all right, actually. I'm going to go.
246
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,833
The memory of a vile young man
who tortured him as a youngster.
247
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,952
Did he say you look like
Sloth from The Goonies?
248
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,036
- No.
- You do.
249
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,150
You want to have a look in the mirror,
mate.
250
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,349
You've got a nose like a cob loaf!
251
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,628
There's no need for that!
252
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,831
OK, guys, that's not helpful.
253
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,793
Dan, are you willing to enter into
this process,
254
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,832
go back and, um, face this ghost?
255
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,591
Oh, fuck it, all right.
256
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:06,392
When I realised Bruce Willis
was actually dead,
257
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,955
you could have blown me down
with a feather.
258
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,752
All right. So can I speak to Geoff now?
259
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,314
Er, yeah, here he comes now.
260
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,954
- Geoff, hello.
- Hello there.
261
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,115
Afternoon, Martin.
262
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,917
Geoff? It's me.
263
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,554
Er, whoa, Mr Doogan has to prepare.
264
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,238
Well, they do though, don't they?
265
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:29,159
I used to enjoy that
Inside The Actors Studio.
266
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,589
I just need a word. He knows me,
I went to school with him.
267
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,279
Did you ever see
the Marlon Brando episode of
268
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,311
Inside The Actors Studio?
269
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,839
Look, I don't want to be rude,
270
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,836
but I'm trying to write a piece
for the local paper.
271
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,474
Oh, journalism.
272
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:43,475
Hmm.
273
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,795
I expect you're always looking
for the scoop
274
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,593
while trying to not get in over your head,
275
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,838
like The Parallax View with Warren Beatty.
276
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:57,715
Remember it. Remember it.
Remember it. Remember it. Remember it.
277
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,479
Remember it. Remember it. Remember it.
278
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,353
Remember it. Remember it. Remember it.
Remember it...
279
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,719
No!
280
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,159
- Wargh!
- Ha-ha!
281
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:08,395
...Remember it. Remember it...
282
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,993
Thanks for the rope, Davies!
283
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,951
I can't believe you tied him up
with his own rope.
284
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,514
You said you wanted to make
a massive cat's cradle.
285
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,439
Ha-ha-ha, you twat! Lads, rubber-up.
286
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,471
No...
287
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,830
- No!
- Like your new earrings, Davies?
288
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,155
Please, Geoff Doogan, let me go.
289
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,838
Take his shorts down, boys.
290
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,109
Not the crab!
291
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,720
- Not the crab!
- Yes, Davies.
292
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:42,469
Feel the snap of his mighty claw! Feel it!
293
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,555
No!
294
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,114
Argh! Aaarrgh!
295
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,720
Aaaargh! Aaaaaaargh!
296
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:50,432
- Argh!
- Stop, men! Stop.
297
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,879
We've pushed him too far.
298
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:55,993
That is bloody ridiculous!
None of that happened.
299
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,191
Dan, you must deal with
your past demons head-on.
300
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,515
I mean, literally none of that happened.
301
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,438
Yes, I was bullied,
but he didn't put condoms on my ears
302
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:05,754
and he certainly didn't get a crab
303
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,392
- to bite my penis.
- What?!
304
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,431
But we regressed you.
305
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,155
Argh!
306
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,918
Aaargh!
307
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,313
Is that The Proclaimers?
308
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,349
Like I say, none of that happened.
309
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,031
Well, you keep rubbing your penis.
310
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,274
Yes.
311
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,038
My aunt burnt it with some soup.
312
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,593
Excuse me.
313
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,030
Oh, I've just thought,
314
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,832
it might've been a child chasing me.
315
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,518
Silence, Maxwell!
316
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:36,879
Well, how about Michael Jackson?
317
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:37,989
Not a problem.
318
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,072
There you are.
319
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,680
I've been sitting in the café
for half an hour.
320
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,915
Sorry, I was just... watching Jo.
321
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,073
She's bulletproof, you know.
322
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,919
Why can't
I shake off the memory of Doogan?
323
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,279
You've got to let it go, Dan.
324
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,834
I doubt if Geoff even remembers you.
325
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,110
He certainly doesn't remember me.
326
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,230
Invisible Ames strikes again.
327
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,475
What makes you think
he doesn't remember you?
328
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:09,869
I just thought if I had
329
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,070
an exclusive interview with
the star of The Phant, I'd...
330
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,031
Get into the Herald? I
331
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,593
You bastard!
332
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,471
For God's sake, it was 30 years ago.
333
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:18,509
Do the foot thing again.
334
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,039
Yee-hee. Whoo!
335
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,270
You know how I feel about Geoff.
336
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,833
After everything he did.
337
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,633
I will not be ignored, not any more.
338
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,319
Not by you,
not by those idiots at the Herald.
339
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,237
Christ, it's bad enough at home!
340
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,629
Uh. Mm. Whoo.
341
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,115
What are you doing?!
342
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,593
I've burnt my penis.
343
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,471
As if you care.
344
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,192
- Traitor!
- Me?!
345
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,198
OK, what's my middle name?
346
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:49,355
What?
347
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,631
You've known me for 30 years,
what's my middle name?
348
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,269
Hmm.
349
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,199
Any donations?
350
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,349
Bit of a bummer, only got three Mentos.
351
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,038
How do you deal with it, mate?
352
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,832
Deal with what?
353
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:20,949
When people are unkind?
354
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,829
I dunno. Luckily, no-one ever has been.
355
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,199
Jo, those boys were...
356
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:29,748
What?
357
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,951
Nothing.
358
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,638
If you're worried about bullies,
359
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,955
you should get a personal alarm.
360
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,956
Mad Nobby sold me one.
361
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,870
That's not a personal alarm.
362
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,150
Well, I've never been attacked.
363
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,349
Good.
364
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,238
I'm so excited.
365
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,111
This play's brilliant.
366
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,593
This is the foyer!
367
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,472
Oh, bloody hell, Dennis,
have you got enough sweets?
368
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:00,509
No!
369
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,676
We're supposed to be keeping
a low profile.
370
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,109
You know what he's like. If he eats
that many E numbers, he'll go chimp.
371
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,720
Sir, can I give the elephant some popcorn?
372
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,273
I have tried to tell you,
373
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,719
there is no elephant.
374
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,876
If you ask me again,
you and I have got a problem.
375
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:13,955
Look at me, Robin!
376
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,753
- Where's Brian?
- He's not coming.
377
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,631
We've had a row, and I'm glad.
378
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,433
Don't be mental.
This is perfect for Brian.
379
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,357
Give me the ticket,
I'll leave it in the box office.
380
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,357
I'm afraid
he still doesn't remember you, sir.
381
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,550
Well, it'll be the moustache.
382
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,079
Didn't you have that at school?
383
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,031
Of course not!
384
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,354
Some kids do.
385
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,915
I had a friend who was very keen on
the work of that, er,
386
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,359
Tom Selleck.
387
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,356
God, you're tedious!
388
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:47,714
Ladies and gentlemen,
389
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,877
The Phant will start in one minute.
One minute.
390
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,638
Look how close we are to the front.
391
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,797
Sir, I feel really angry!
392
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:07,309
(BELL TOLLS
393
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,068
- Sir, is that the elephant?
- Shh!
394
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:16,478
London, 1864.
395
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:20,354
My name is John... Merrick.
396
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,913
Hello, I'm Jo!
397
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,119
So sad. Geoff is brilliant.
398
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,594
I'll tell you what's sad,
you don't know how the theatre works.
399
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,319
Oh, I'm going to have to go to the toilet.
400
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:34,713
My dick scorch is killing me.
401
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,512
Get some booze in.
402
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,637
Miss, can I buy the elephant
some Skittles?
403
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,593
Robin, elephants don't eat Skittles,
silly.
404
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,234
I'll nip to the garage in a minute
and get some peanuts.
405
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,840
They love peanuts.
406
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,549
I'm back!
407
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,589
Who are you?
408
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,835
It's me, from before.
409
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,836
I'm the one doing
the Herald piece for Geoff Doogan.
410
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,314
Why have you
shaved your moustache off?
411
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:07,353
To grease the wheels of recognition.
Could you get him?
412
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,870
It's the interval now, sir.
Mr Doogan is relaxing.
413
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:12,989
Get him!
414
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,032
Raising your voice
isn't going to help you, is it, sir?
415
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,476
The pages of history are littered
with shouters, all...
416
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,592
Ha! My friend's got me a ticket
at the box office.
417
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,632
Let's see if I can get to
Geoff Doogan that way, shall we,
418
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,432
you... twit?
419
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,155
Ooh... It's puffed up
like a papaya fruit down there.
420
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,760
Theatre's wicked. You get free cocktails.
421
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,916
I got you a Margaret Powell.
422
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,510
And I've got a Mr D Stewart.
423
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:45,515
Tastes like wine.
424
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,028
Jo, these are people's
pre-ordered interval drinks.
425
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,833
It's mental at the theatre.
426
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,108
Ladies and gentlemen,
427
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,912
the second half of The Phant
will commence in two minutes.
428
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,951
I'll see you inside.
I've got to do something.
429
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,319
Jo. Jo!
430
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,677
Well, it says I'll recognise Brian Ames,
431
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,711
because he has a distinctive moustache.
432
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,309
Yes. I've just been home
and shaved it off.
433
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:08,190
Why?
434
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,391
How about you keep your... big nose
out of my business
435
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,714
and give me the ticket!
436
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,352
Keep my what out?!
437
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,389
Sir, can I have my sweets back?
438
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,271
No. Give me that can.
439
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,599
Where the hell is she?
440
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,309
Jo!
441
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,793
Thank God. They won't let me in.
442
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,398
Get back!
443
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:50,919
Jo, it's me.
444
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,473
Step away, please.
445
00:19:55,920 --> 00:20:02,917
I can barely bring myself to look
upon the truth these days.
446
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,799
Why's he called The Elephant Man?
447
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,751
He looks like a melted cake!
448
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,751
Phant, do you want
some hot chocolate?
449
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,917
Ho! Ho-hot!!
450
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,075
That's it!
451
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,917
I didn't train for ten years
452
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,555
to play in front of
you little council house scum!
453
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:30,194
Relax, Phant.
I've got your favourite.
454
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,753
Nuts.
455
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,793
And you! Why are you calling out,
you fucking village idiot?!
456
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:40,873
Geoff Doogan!
457
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:42,909
No!
458
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,231
- Please!
- You don't have a moustache, now do you?
459
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,919
I've shown you ID. I'm Brian Ames,
there's only one Brian...
460
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,473
Irving, it's a C52!
461
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,599
Aaargh!
462
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,990
Brian!
463
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,598
It's Peter!
464
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,392
What?
465
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:59,399
Your middle name. It's Peter.
466
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,589
Geoff?
467
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,552
Geoff, I thought you played The Phant.
468
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,790
Clive.
469
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,638
I'm Brian Clive Ames.
470
00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:12,500
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