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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:07,828 Morning. 2 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:10,679 Mm. 3 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,239 Mm. 4 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:17,474 Oh. 5 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,598 I know this is a dream, you know. 6 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,835 No, it isn't, silly. 7 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,711 I'm here. 8 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,069 I've moved in, because we're in love. 9 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,557 No. 10 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,876 No, my brain won't even allow me to enjoy dreams these days. 11 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,956 That's how much it hates me. 12 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,468 No, it's no good. I may as well wake up. 13 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,431 And what makes you think it's a dream? 14 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,349 Well... 15 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,193 ...you know. 16 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,509 There's this. 17 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:57,076 Plus there are other clues. I mean, the Proclaimers are in my room. 18 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:58,872 We're making a pot! 19 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,476 Oh, Piss! 20 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,431 It's overcrowded enough in here as it is. 21 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:06,959 I heard that. 22 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,116 Yes, and I heard you last night snoring. 23 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,151 It's like sharing a room with a dot matrix printer. 24 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,873 You've got a nerve, talking about my night-time shortcomings. 25 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,196 Who eats lamb chops at two o'clock in the morning in bed? 26 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:18,753 No-one's making you stay, Brian. 27 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:22,395 Is it any wonder the dog follows you around? You constantly smell of meat. 28 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,238 - Brian, breakfast is ready! - Oh... 29 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,396 Coming, Mrs D! 30 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:33,393 Piss! Get out! 31 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:51,000 Ripped By mstoll 32 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:05,796 And so, if I hadn't have explored my community, I'd never have met Gerry here. 33 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,116 And you see, that's what Community Week is all about. 34 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:14,029 It's about reaping the rewards for looking around you and getting involved. 35 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:18,870 And we're very lucky that Gerry has agreed to leave Bella here with us for the week. 36 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,036 So, feel free to pop by and say hi. 37 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,310 Ah! 38 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:24,475 Hmm. 39 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,354 I'd like to finish with a poem. Don't groan. Not all poems are boring. 40 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:37,513 Me. 41 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,549 We. 42 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,354 Now, this poem was made up on the spot by a very great person. 43 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,628 Do you know who? 44 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,435 This man. 45 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:53,553 Boys and girls, we are stronger together. Enjoy Community Week. 46 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,396 Thank you so much. Thank you. 47 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,831 God! Alistair's good, isn't he? 48 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,791 Oh, he is. 49 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,717 I also sort of want him dead. 50 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,274 Oh, even you can't be cynical about Community Week, 51 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,515 - surely? - Oh, no. 52 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,030 Ah! Adorable! 53 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,640 - Who's this? - Its name is Piss. 54 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,113 Stop following me around, 55 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,479 - you hairy little shit! - Oh, he's so cute. 56 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,351 Whose is he? 57 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,753 He, um... 58 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,189 He belongs to this old guy I visit. 59 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:42,437 - You visit? - Yeah, he's a war veteran. 60 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,879 He hasn't got anyone any more, 61 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,639 so I just pop round sometimes, do a bit of ironing for him 62 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:51,117 and he tells me what it was like having no bananas and, you know, all that. 63 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,276 Dan, you do not visit an old war veteran. 64 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,992 What, because I don't crow about it 65 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,156 and bring him in for an assembly, like that dick? 66 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,829 Well, you should. Most people, the Head included, think that you're a... 67 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,075 Well... 68 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,951 a lazy tosser. 69 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,468 Lazy? Lazy? 70 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,234 Is this lazy? 71 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:12,709 Uh! 72 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,149 This? 73 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,236 No? Well... 74 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:18,599 Oh! 75 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,551 Lazy? 76 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,357 Were any of those lazy? 77 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:35,592 Honestly, sometimes I think she's not the girl for me. There's no trust. 78 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,993 You don't visit an old man. 79 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,712 What's that got to do with it? Where's the trust? 80 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:41,320 Well, either way, I'm going to have to find one ASAP. 81 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,112 Use Big Dave Bowers. 82 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,549 What? He's only about 50. 83 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,953 I'm 32! 84 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,513 Fucking hell, Dave. Eat some veg, mate. 85 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,511 Ta-da! What do you think? 86 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,949 It sort of looks a bit like Miley Cyrus. 87 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,077 It's fucking shit. 88 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,152 - I've done Shakira now, Brian. Look. - Yes. 89 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,668 Do you think it's time for another visit to the Jobcentre? 90 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,314 No, Jackie says I'm a free spirit and I should concentrate on my art. 91 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,193 Right, I need to get hold of a World War II vet. 92 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,550 Oh, God. I forgot this place was like a swap shop for the mentally ill. 93 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,433 Listen, I'm not staying. I just popped in to say I'm cooking tonight. 94 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,153 - 6.30 sharp, OK? - Yes. 95 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,672 He's got to go. He's been a nightmare since Julia kicked him out. 96 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,836 And he's weird. Who takes a stopwatch into the toilet? 97 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,314 Where the hell am I going to find 98 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:30,793 - a pensioner? - I'd love to help, 99 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,400 but I'm doing portraits at Autumn Leaves this weekend. 100 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,396 Autumn Leaves, the retirement home? 101 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,273 Yeah. Perfect models. Can't move. 102 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:42,393 - The old people at the retirement home? - Yeah. Some of them are so old... 103 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:43,634 You can't help me, no? 104 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,468 Are you deaf? I'm working. You're like the old people at the retirement home. 105 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,033 But you don't know any old people? 106 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,752 Dan, I think you need a holiday, mate. 107 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,473 Right... concentrate. 108 00:05:58,520 --> 00:05:59,430 Go. 109 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,592 - Hello there. - Hello. 110 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:03,959 Robin! 111 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,230 He always shits himself in school plays. 112 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:10,432 Only if I have lines. I never shat myself when I was the donkey in 'tivity. 113 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,358 Just go to the toilet. Right. 114 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,039 My community is full of surprises. 115 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:20,312 Good morning, Mr Davies, out for a walk. 116 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,271 Yes, young Ralph. See you in school. 117 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,550 - This is shit, sir! - Silence! 118 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,319 Oh, look. It's old Mrs Campbell, 119 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,749 the mean-spirited old lady. 120 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,634 I'm horrible to everyone. I wish people would give me a chance, though. 121 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,636 I'm only like this because I have no friends... 122 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,915 ...seriously, not one. 123 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,713 - I'm not doing this. - None of us want to do it. 124 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:46,230 Shut up! It's inspiring. Guys, I'm inspiring you. 125 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,430 Oh! 126 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,152 Go on. We'll finish it tomorrow. 127 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,759 Are you seriously doing an assembly? 128 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,199 Yes. 129 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,550 - With a war veteran? - Very much the centre of the piece. 130 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,673 You are full of surprises, Dan Davies. 131 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,029 - Thank you. - Ssh! 132 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,355 I don't do this for thanks. 133 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,592 Have you been eating meat? 134 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,635 Mm! What is it you say it is? Truffle oil? 135 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,478 Yes, a little. Brings out the flavour of the aubergine, doesn't it? 136 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,511 - It's exquisite, dear. - Mm! 137 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:28,834 Daniel. 138 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,916 - You're late. - Yes. 139 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:34,430 Well, unlike you, Zelda from Terrahawks, I have a job. 140 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:35,674 I did give you plenty of notice, Dan. 141 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,154 Brian has taken the trouble to make us this wonderful meal, 142 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,760 and you can't even be bothered to turn up. If I were 143 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:44,315 any less relaxed, I'd take a length of rubber hosing to you. 144 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:48,399 You are all aware that Marital Crisis Boy here is sharing my bedroom? 145 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:53,279 Well, if you'll excuse me, I... 146 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,117 I think Morse is on. 147 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,396 You monstrous shit! 148 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,795 You never think about the people around you, do you? 149 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,718 I've really noticed it since Brian moved in. 150 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:06,829 Keys. 151 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:07,995 - What? - We've had a chat, 152 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,032 and we've decided Brian needs house keys more than you do. 153 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,469 - You're not serious? - Deadly. 154 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,876 And we have also bagged up all your old clothes from your wardrobe, 155 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,558 and we're burning them. 156 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,716 Poor Brian needs storage space. 157 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,273 Give me those! 158 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,719 Keys. 159 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,716 Everybody getting married! Tony getting married. 160 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,193 Belinda getting married. 161 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,913 Sophie not getting married. She's a holiday rep. 162 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:40,549 Gregory going to Vegas, getting married by an Elvis. 163 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,750 Ah... what? 164 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,870 Just brought you some clothes. 165 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:45,955 I got eyes. 166 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,197 Right. There's some really nice stuff there. 167 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:50,753 - Would you like to go through them? - No. 168 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,631 Maybe a thank you? 169 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,319 - You want the clothes back? - No, but... 170 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,749 - You don't need the clothes? - No. 171 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,313 But I think a little thank you wouldn't go amiss. 172 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,237 You want me to hang up? 173 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,429 No. 174 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,994 If you want me to hang up, you'd better tell me to hang up! 175 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,629 Tch! 176 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,671 Jennifer gone to Gretna Green. 177 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:18,435 What? Walter is perfect for your assembly. He's well nice. 178 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,996 Yes, also lacking that most vital of presentation skills, the gift of speech. 179 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,678 Well, I introduced you to Roger and he was in the war. 180 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:28,395 He was also not in trousers and pants. Come on, Jo. 181 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:33,355 Ah, the war. Ah, there... there was a time when we all pulled together. 182 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,118 Hi, Tim. Did you like the painting I did of you? 183 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,549 Oh, yes, yes. Thank you, dear. Very, very good. Yes. 184 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,150 You haven't introduced me to Tim, Jo. 185 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,475 No, I didn't think he was quite right. He doesn't wear a hat. 186 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,511 Why would I need him to wear a hat? 187 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:51,759 Well, I don't really need to wear a hat, because I don't get to go out very often. 188 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,633 Ah, well, maybe I could take you out for a lovely cup of tea some time, Tim. 189 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,672 - Oh, well, yes, that would be lovely. - The town hall's having 190 00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,438 a craft fair for Community Week. 191 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,198 You should come down. I'm doing some portraits. 192 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,992 Craft fair? How lovely! 193 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,600 Reminds me of the war. Yes. 194 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,756 Simple times. 195 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,314 - Shall we, Tim? - Oh. 196 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,435 Right. 197 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,232 Right! 198 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,674 This is it. 199 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,110 Yeah, go on, you go in. I'll... I'll catch you up. There's just, er... 200 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,469 there's just something I've got to do. 201 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,988 - I'll... I'll come with you, shall I? - Sure. 202 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,917 - Oh. - I feel a little nervous, crossing roads. 203 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,839 OK. 204 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,759 Now, now, ladies. It was Dan's idea to let me stay. He's not all bad. 205 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,439 Well, I, for one, prefer you, Brian. 206 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,038 Nesta! 207 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:53,756 Come on, Polly. What does Daniel bring to the party that Brian doesn't? 208 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:58,675 Oh, look! You can get your name on a piece of rice. 209 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,269 Brian, would you like your name on a piece of rice? 210 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,276 - My treat. - I couldn't, Auntie. 211 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,392 I can... call you Auntie? 212 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,034 You can call me anything you want, dear boy. 213 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,993 If you were thirsty, I would happily wet-nurse you... 214 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,715 if these wells weren't so very dry. 215 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,635 Everybody on 3G. 216 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,750 Marlene on 3G. 217 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,119 Patrick on 3G. 218 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,789 Paula not on 3G. She don't trust smartphone. 219 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,432 Yes? 220 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,311 Just popped in to see how my clothes are selling. 221 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,396 - Why? - Well... 222 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,510 I suppose I brought you some nice things 223 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,472 and I just wondered if it had raised any money for your charity. 224 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,954 Why you want praise for giving away rubbish? 225 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,468 It's not rubbish. I think that's my point. 226 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,919 I like this jug. 227 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,871 OK. 228 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,876 Sorry? You don't want me to buy it for you? 229 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,638 Oh, yes. Yes, please. 230 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:54,319 Reminds me of one I had in the war. 231 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,954 Right. How much is this jug, please? 232 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,228 £100. 233 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:01,317 What? Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't shit in it. 234 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,112 Oh. I really like it. 235 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:09,753 Oh, I'm not... l-I don't really like... I don't like crowds. 236 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,598 Don't worry, Tim. We're just going to pop in and have a nice cup of tea. 237 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,153 Well... 238 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,350 could we hold hands? 239 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,516 - What? - Only l-I'd feel better if we... 240 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,949 if we could hold hands. 241 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,831 Do you know, I'd rather not. 242 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,393 Oh. 243 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,795 Oh, I'd better go back to the home, then. 244 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,718 She says I'm not spontaneous enough, 245 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,318 and, well... 246 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,079 ...I suppose she has a point. - Rubbish! 247 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,351 You were going to pay for your crumpet and you changed it. 248 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,675 To a toasted teacake. 249 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,109 The woman had even started to warm it. 250 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,674 Yes, it was a little maverick. 251 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,548 Oh. 252 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,478 All right, I think we can stop holding hands now, Tim. 253 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:58,115 Oh, I'd rather not. Ooh, cake! 254 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,630 - Having a nice time? - Perfectly lovely, 255 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,036 - thank you. - Brian has treated us to a cream tea. 256 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,559 I'll bet he has. 257 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,512 It was the least I could do. You have put a roof over my head. 258 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:14,599 Which was my idea. When will I be receiving my cream tea? 259 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:18,633 Daniel, you shouldn't do things for people just to get thanked. 260 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,592 Typical. Wipes his own bottom and wants a badge. 261 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,030 Daniel, this woman wants some money. 262 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,229 Oh! 263 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,633 I like scones. 264 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,315 - All right now, Tim? - Well, not really, no. 265 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,352 I... You know, I'm not feeling very confident. 266 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,676 I... You know, I think I'd rather go back to the home. 267 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,195 Er... 268 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,714 ...unless, um... 269 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,956 Oh. Oh, I want my name in wire. 270 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,673 Christ. How much is it? 271 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,359 - £3 a letter. - All right, then, Tim. 272 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,875 This bloke's a fucking nightmare. He's costing me a fortune. 273 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,717 He's just lonely. You're spreading a bit of joy. 274 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,320 Just like I am with my paintings. 275 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,794 It's not about the money. 276 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,988 I'm not paying for that. It looks like Miley Cyrus. 277 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:38,314 OK, you don't have to pay for it! 278 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,318 Tim's going to be brilliant in your assembly. 279 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,033 I'll come along, help with the kids. For free! 280 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,957 Thanks, mate. 281 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,953 This man wants paying. 282 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,753 Fuck's sake! 283 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,912 New personal best? 284 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,951 Why are you dressed like that? It's Sunday morning. 285 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,991 Just taking the ladies to church as a thank you. 286 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,951 You're staying in my bedroom. 287 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,833 - In your mum's house. - It's me who has to put up with you. 288 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,030 Do you think I want to be here? It might surprise you to learn 289 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,877 that my wife not speaking to me is... 290 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,911 pretty ruddy painful, actually! 291 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:18,475 Just... look further than the end of your own nose for once. 292 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,192 Oh, hello. 293 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,549 One of the nurses brought me. Ha! 294 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:27,151 I fancied a trip to the... to the seaside. Reminds me of the war. 295 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,155 Sir, Piss keeps running off! 296 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,590 Well, put him on a lead! He's the big "ah" factor at the end. 297 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,359 Dan, when do you want Maddie to bring this on? 298 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,753 I've told you. 299 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,394 Just after the emotional summing up, after the war veteran's been on. 300 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,591 - You, you don't miss your cue. - Chill out, Dan. 301 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:49,959 This is going to be wicked. 302 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,673 I might just get away with it if that weirdo Tim delivers. 303 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,029 - Oh, he's not coming. - What? 304 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,389 Says he doesn't feel confident. I saw him last night up at Autumn Leaves. 305 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:58,634 Bastard! 306 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,717 He was confident enough to have four rides on a donkey at the seaside yesterday, 307 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,113 and as many ice creams. 308 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,192 Right, you watch this lot. I'll go and get him. Bastard! 309 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,319 No good. Stop. 310 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,308 Please, Tim. 311 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:21,635 I can't do it. I feel too nervous. 312 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,989 Look, it's not going to take long. So, please. 313 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,031 I've never really had very much confidence. 314 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,270 I'd feel better if I could wear your shirt. 315 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,551 - What? - Well, it's such a nice shirt. 316 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,431 I think it would give me confidence. 317 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,072 Well, you're not having my fucking shirt, so... 318 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,634 Oh, well, you'd better take me back to the home, then. 319 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,949 All right, we'll have to go back to my house to get another shirt. 320 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,434 I haven't got any keys! 321 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,198 Tara, Jeremy... 322 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,912 ...Clio, Sean, 323 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,554 Steven and Felicity. 324 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,558 All of them got damp-proofing. 325 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,039 Come back for more praise? 326 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,719 Well, it would be nice, and I'd like one of my shirts back, please. 327 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,749 Certainly. 328 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:09,994 £200. 329 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,112 I gave them to you. 330 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,355 They are top quality. You said so yourself. 331 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,799 £200! 332 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,831 If you do not give me one of those shirts back, 333 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,758 I swear I will never give to charity again! 334 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,995 You think it matters what you bring in? 335 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,069 See this? 336 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:31,954 There'll be five pottery owls in tomorrow to replace it. You don't get thanked. 337 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,433 This? 338 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,869 Who you think gonna buy a Johnny Mathis? 339 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,551 They didn't get thanked. 340 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:45,435 And who you think gonna buy clothes to fit a lanky fat-chops like you? 341 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,199 No-one! 342 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,559 Fine. 343 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,194 I'll take one. Could I have a bag, please? 344 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,834 I got one in the back. That'll be a pound. 345 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,788 Now, volunteered assemblies are very dear to me 346 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,671 and I'm sure you'll all agree 347 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,952 that last week's assembly by Mr Thomas was a tour de force. 348 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,560 Me. We. 349 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,591 Well done. 350 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,200 Happy? 351 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,913 Well, I... I still feel a bit nervous. 352 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,633 Right. Well, we're on in a few moments. I'm sure you'll be fine. 353 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,274 Sir, my stomach feels gurgly. 354 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,869 Yes, well, all you're doing is waving now, isn't it, Robin? So, relax. 355 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,348 Everything all right on stage? 356 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,799 - Music sorted? - Yep. 357 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,034 It's going to be so good. 358 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,389 You'll hardly notice Piss is missing at all. 359 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,556 What? I need him. 360 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,273 That prick Alistair had a cute animal. Find him. 361 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,915 Am I going to have to go on without the dog? 362 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,077 Oh, no, no. No, that... that's really dented my confidence. 363 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:58,590 - No, I... I don't think I can go on. - Tim, please! 364 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,039 Thank him for stepping up. 365 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:07,072 So, without any further ado, er... I call upon Mr Davies and the pupils of 9G. 366 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,478 My community is very important to me. 367 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:31,919 Hello. 368 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:45,510 Now, then, how many of you know who said these inspirational words? 369 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,509 No? 370 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,710 It was this man. 371 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,152 Miley Cyrus. 372 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,758 Oh, for... 373 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,360 It's Winston Churchill! 374 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:12,038 When I say the word "pensioner", what is it that you think of? 375 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,755 Piss! Piss! 376 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,711 You don't perhaps think hero? 377 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,513 But after today, you might! 378 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,757 Who has a question for Tim about the war? 379 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,915 Piss! 380 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,916 Piss! Piss! 381 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,077 I'm going to have to go backstage and sort this out. 382 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,395 Let go of my hand. 383 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,238 You. Ask Tim a question about the war. 384 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,910 - Piss! - Ssh! 385 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,155 - Did you find him? - No, not yet. 386 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:51,636 Oh, well, keep looking. Just shove him on at the end when the music starts playing. 387 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,635 Everybody stealing from charity! 388 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,073 Hmm... 389 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,271 - No! No! - Take off this shirt! 390 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,753 - It's my shirt! - You're a thief! 391 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,313 Yeah. 392 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,032 So... 393 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,071 ...Tim... 394 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,270 where did you serve in the war? 395 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,878 Er... behind a counter. 396 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:27,595 Yes, I... I was always rather worried that there weren't going to be enough chairs 397 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,313 and... and, you know, people would get cross. 398 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,316 What? 399 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:34,794 Not that many people bought shoes in those days, 400 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,877 but, er... we were always quite busy on Saturdays. 401 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,390 - You worked in a shoe shop? - Yes, yes. Hmm. 402 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,352 - But you also served in the Army. - Oh, no. 403 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,197 I wasn't allowed in the Army. 404 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,676 No, they said I was far too nervous for all the guns. 405 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,358 Hmm. 406 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,198 I've spent about £400 on you! 407 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,355 Um... 408 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,359 Good morning, Mr Davies! Out for a walk?! 409 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,278 Sit down, please. It's all under control. 410 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:17,514 Sit down. 411 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,354 Sounds awful. 412 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:36,995 Yep. 413 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,312 What are we doing here? 414 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,669 I made a real mess of today, mate. 415 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,600 I suppose I just wanted to do one thing right, 416 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,677 so I bumped into your wife and she agreed to meet. 417 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:53,190 Look, I know you probably think it's cos I want you out of the house, 418 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,389 but it isn't that. 419 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,477 I... I can just see you hurting, so... 420 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,831 Thank you, Dan. 421 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,391 Well done. 422 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,389 - Brian? - That's not my wife. 423 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,512 - What? Who is it, then? - No idea, but it's not my wife. 424 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,039 Shall we go home? 425 00:23:08,500 --> 00:23:16,500 Ripped By mstoll 31801

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