All language subtitles for Major.Crimes.S03E03.HDTV.x264-LOL

THANK YOU GUYS FOR HELPING ME
TAKE MY MOM OUT FOR BREAKFAST.

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD

THAT SHE CAN'T LEAVE REHAB
WITHOUT THE POLICE.

HEY, IF MY MOM DRINKS
OR USES AGAIN,

DO THEY KICK HER OUT OF A.A.?

IF THEY KICKED EVERYBODY OUT
WHO FELL OFF THE WAGON,

TRUST ME, THOSE MEETINGS
WOULD GET REALLY SMALL.

LOOK, KID, SEEING HOW YOUR MOM
IS COMING UP ON TWO MONTHS

AND HEARING HOW
SHE WANTS TO STAY IN RECOVERY,

I THINK SHE SAID A LOT
OF THE RIGHT THINGS.

MY PHILOSOPHY IN LIFE...
STAY POSITIVE!

OKAY, THEN.

THINKING POSITIVE,
I-I SHOULD GET A JOB.

HOW DOES THAT RELATE?
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

JOBS BUILD CHARACTER.

DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY FIRST JOB?

CABIN BOY
ON THE MAYFLOWER?

OH, NO...
DISHWASHER AT THE LAST SUPPER.

LAUGH IT UP.
LAUGH IT UP.

BUT I GREW UP IN THE...
UH, IN THE '60s.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS,
MY FRIENDS.

YEAH. PROVENZA.

Lieutenant Provenza?
Captain Baird, West L.A.

How you doing, Louie?
You sound a little down.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
NO WORSE THAN USUAL.

UH, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU,
CAPTAIN BAIRD?

Well, we may have a murder
at 1050 South Mapleton...

very pricy part of town.

Could you check it out for us?
1050 SOUTH MAPLETON.

YES, SIR. WE'RE ON IT.

WAIT. SO, JUST LIKE THAT,
WE TURN AROUND?

WELL, CAPTAIN BAIRD
GIVES US ORDERS, WE FOLLOW THEM,

EVEN IF WE CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER
WHO HE IS AT THE MOMENT.

AND YOUR FIRST NAME
IS LOUIE?

UNLESS YOU OUTRANK ME
OR I DIVORCED YOU,

MY FIRST NAME
IS LIEUTENANT.

TAKE A LEFT UP HERE,
FLYNN.

I KNOW A SHORTCUT.

OKAY, NO CRIME-SCENE TAPE,
NO PATROL.

WHERE'S THE ROLLOUT?

MAYBE THEY GOT FRIGHTENED OFF
BY THE LANDSCAPING.

LOOK. IT'S TRIGGER.

HEY, GUYS, THANKS
FOR GETTING HERE SO QUICKLY!

CAPTAIN BAIRD?
THAT'S THAT DICK TRACY LUNATIC.

I THOUGHT HE WAS
IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHO IS THAT GUY?
SOME NUTCASE WHO LIKES
TO IMPERSONATE COPS.

BACK UP, FLYNN. I AM NOT DEALING
WITH THIS GUY AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.
MAYBE THERE'S TROUBLE.
NO, NO, NO.

F-FLYNN, DO NOT ROLL DOWN
THAT WINDOW.

F-FLYNN, DO NOT
LEAN YOUR HEAD OUT THERE.

FLYNN, I AM ORDERING YOU
NOT TO LET HIM TALK TO US!

LIEUTENANT PROVENZA,
YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.
DAMN IT!

GLAD I HELD ON
TO YOUR NUMBER.

LIEUTENANT FLYNN.
GOOD MORNING, YOUNG MAN.

CAPTAIN BAIRD, CHIEF
OF SECURITY, BREWSTER ESTATE.

GUYS, THIS IS SAD,

BUT WE GOT A BODY HERE...
13-YEAR-OLD MALE.

IT'S ONE OF THE WORST MURDERS
I'VE EVER SEEN.

THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE
ANOTHER OF YOUR DELUSIONS.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T WORRY, LOUIE.

I-I'M NOT DICK TRACY
ANYMORE.

I'M JUST PLAIN, OLD
CAPTAIN JONATHAN BAIRD.

A VERY IMPORTANT PART
OF MY THERAPY

HAS BEEN EMBRACING
MY REAL NAME.

ANYWAY, HOP IN.
I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE VICTIM.

- WAIT IN THE CAR.
- NO PROBLEM.

I'M NOT GONNA BE A WITNESS
IN ANOTHER MURDER TRIAL.

THAT'S FOR SURE.

NONE OF THESE ARE
THE REAL STATUE OF "DAVID."

BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT...
GOOD LIKENESSES.

I PUT THE SWIMSUITS ON THE ONES
AROUND THE POOL MYSELF.

NORMALLY,
DRIVING BY ALL THIS ART...

THE SCULPTURES,
THE STUFFED ANIMALS, THE NEON...

LIFTS MY SPIRITS,
BUT NOT TODAY.

NOT TODAY.

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
HERE WE ARE,

THE END
OF A VERY SAD RIDE.

ARE YOU TELLING ME...

THAT YOU CALLED US OUT HERE
FOR A DEAD DOG?

WELL,
HE'S NOT JUST DEAD.

HE'S A MURDER VICTIM,
AND IT HAPPENED RECENTLY, TOO.

LOOK. HE'S STILL IN RIGOR,
OKAY?

AND WHERE HE THREW UP,

THE VOMIT HAS
NOT ALL DRIED AWAY YET.

HEY, GUYS,
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS,

THAT DOG... FALCON...
HE'S IN THE NEWS.

THIS IS
THE $20 MILLION DOGHOUSE.

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

THAT'S THE MALTESE

THAT SOME CRAZY LADY
MADE THE HEIR TO HER ESTATE.

SHE HAD SOME
FAMILY SHIPPING FORTUNE.

WHAT'S HER NAME?
MARCELLA BREWSTER.

AND I HAVE REASON
TO BELIEVE

THAT MARCELLA AND FALCON
DIED THE SAME WAY.

AND I CAN PROVE IT.

UH... LOOKS LIKE
THE SEARCH PARTY'S BACK.

ONE MOMENT, GUYS.

IT'S THE WORST PART
OF THE JOB.

OH, I'M GETTING
A LITTLE WORRIED, CAPTAIN.

WE'VE LOOKED ALL THROUGH
THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND WE CAN'T FIND FALCON
ANYWHERE.

THANK YOU, MR. KLEINER.

I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP
AND THE EFFORTS OF EVERYONE

WHO'S GATHERED
TO FIND OUR LITTLE GUY

AND BRING HIM
SAFELY HOME.

UNFORTUNATELY,
IT IS MY SAD DUTY TO INFORM YOU

THAT, AT APPROXIMATELY
10:15 A.M.,

I DISCOVERED OUR BELOVED FALCON
BENEATH A ROW OF SUCCULENTS,

DEAD UNDER SUSPICIOUS
CIRCUMSTANCES.

NOW, I KNOW THAT THIS WAS
NOT THE HOPED-FOR OUTCOME,

BUT THE POLICE ARE HERE
TO INVESTIGATE.

I THANK YOU ALL
FOR YOUR SYMPATHY AND SUPPORT,

AND I KNOW YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
IF I DON'T SEE YOU OUT.

OH, WE'RE...
WE'RE SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

I TOOK CARE OF HIM SOME
WHEN MARCELLA USED TO TRAVEL,

AND FALCON WAS A...
A... A... A... A...

...A V... A VERY GOOD DOG.

HE WAS.

THANK YOU FOR THAT,
MR. KLEINER.

DID THIS MARCELLA BREWSTER
HAVE ANY LIVING RELATIVES?

A GREAT-NIECE
AND A GREAT-NEPHEW,

BUT FALCON
WAS HER REAL FAMILY.

EVER SINCE MARCELLA DIED,

THAT POOR DOG HAS HAD
ONE SHOCK AFTER ANOTHER...

DEATH THREATS ONLINE
AND IN THE MAIL.

AND I WAS HIRED
TO PROTECT HIM.

AND I LET FALCON DOWN.

SO, FOR ME,
THIS JUST GOT PERSONAL.

MNH-MNH-MNH.

OKAY, HERE'S WHAT
I THINK HAPPENED.

NOW, BY THE END,
MARCELLA WAS SO SICK,

SHE COULD ONLY EAT EGGS
AND IMPORTED CRAB CAKES,

DOZENS OF WHICH
ARE LEFT OVER IN THE FREEZER.

NOW, WHEN WE RAN OUT
OF FRESH VENISON LAST NIGHT,

I SERVED FALCON
A THAWED-OUT CRAB CAKE.

HE ATE HALF OF IT, OKAY?

AND THEN HE WENT OUT THROUGH
THIS DOGGY DOOR

TO DO HIS BUSINESS,
AND HE NEVER CAME BACK.

WELL, W-WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING
THAT WHOEVER KILLED THIS DOG

ALSO MURDERED
MARCELLA BREWSTER?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I KILLED THE DOG.

OKAY. THAT'S IT. TURN AROUND.
HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.

WHAT? WHY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
SHUT UP. JUST...

COME ON. LET'S GO.
I CALLED YOU GUYS!

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS EXCEPT FOR ME!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LET ME EXPLAIN.

YES, I KILLED THE DOG, YES,
BUT THE MURDERER

IS WHOEVER
POISONED THE CRAB CAKES.

WHAT AM I UNDER ARREST FOR,
ANYWAY?

SO FAR,
IMPERSONATING A POLICE OFFICER,

ANIMAL CRUELTY, AND WE
HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKEN YET AB...
HOLD ON.

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

LET'S ALL TAKE
A GIANT STEP BACK.

FLYNN, PROVENZA,
IS IT TRUE YOU GUYS

DRAGGED THIS SECURITY GUARD
OFF MARCELLA BREWSTER'S ESTATE

AND LEFT HER DEAD DOG
BEHIND IN THE BUSHES?
YES!

NO.
WE BROUGHT
THE LITTLE FELLA BACK WITH US.

IN AN ACTUAL DOGGY BAG.

WE ALSO HAVE
ONE HALF-EATEN CRAB CAKE,

A FREEZER FULL
OF FROZEN ONES,

AND MORE THAN A LITTLE
CANINE VOMIT.

DO YOU REALIZE
HOW MUCH MARCELLA BREWSTER

LEFT
THE LAPD MEMORIAL FUND?

MILLIONS... ANNUALLY!

AND NOW HER ATTORNEYS

ARE THREATENING
TO CUT OFF THOSE FUNDS

BECAUSE YOU BRUTALIZED
HER SECURITY GUARD.

UNCUFF HIM. NOW!

HA!

CHIEF, MAYBE
SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW...

THIS SECURITY GUARD
IS DICK TRACY.

LAST TIME
WE RAN INTO DICK,

HE PRETENDED
TO BE A HOMICIDE DETECTIVE,

LEFT THE SCENE OF A MURDER
WITH CRUCIAL EVIDENCE,

AND IMPERSONATED FLYNN,
PROVENZA, AND CHIEF POPE.

VERY SUCCESSFULLY,
I MIGHT ADD.

I'VE READ THE FILE
ON THAT CASE,

AND IT SAYS MR. BAIRD HERE...
LET'S USE HIS REAL.

MR. BAIRD HELPED
THE LAPD SOLVE A MURDER.

OH, COME ON!

DON'T TELL ME YOU BELIEVE
WHAT'S IN THAT FILE!

LIEUTENANT PROVENZA,
ARE YOU SAYING

THAT THIS PRIOR CASE REPORT
INVOLVING MR. BAIRD

WAS FALSIFIED?
FALSIFIED?

IT WASN'T... FALSIFIED.

THERE'S SOME
WORDING ISSUES... MAYBE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT WORDING ISSUES?

I WROTE EVERY SYLLABLE
OF THAT REPORT

WITH A METICULOUS ATTENTION
TO DETAIL.

YOU WROTE THE LAPD REPORT?

HOLD ON!

INSTEAD OF REHASHING THE PAST,
LET'S THANK MR. BAIRD

FOR BRINGING TO OUR ATTENTION
A POSSIBLE MURDER,

FOLLOW UP ON HIS CLAIMS,

AND I WILL OFFICIALLY APOLOGIZE
FOR ANY MISUNDERSTANDINGS.

AND I FORGIVE YOU.
COME ON. COME ON.

YES. AND I FORGIVE YOU.

HMM? OKAY?

AND YOU.

CAPTAIN,
GET THIS MURDER DONE RIGHT

BECAUSE I HAVE
NO INTENTION OF ALLOWING

OUR MEMORIAL FUND
TO LOSE BREWSTER'S MILLIONS.

EXCUSE ME.

ALL RIGHT, MR. BAIRD...
LET'S START OVER.

SINCE THIS IS NOW
A MURDER INVESTIGATION,

WE HOPE YOU CAN GIVE US SOME
OF THE RELEVANT DETAILS.

OF COURSE.
ASK ME ANYTHING.

WHEN DID YOU START WORKING
FOR MS. BREWSTER?

UH... GOSH.

SEE, THAT I CAN'T SAY.

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, I'M FORBIDDEN
FROM TALKING ABOUT MY BOSS...

CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT,
IRONCLAD, SORRY.

MS. BREWSTER'S DEAD,
SO WHO'S YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?

AGAIN, THAT'S A BIG NO-NO.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO PAYS YOU
FOR LIVING IN A MANSION

AND NOT TAKING
VERY GOOD CARE OF A DOG?

WHOA. HEY, THAT HURTS. I DID
THE BEST I COULD FOR FALCON.

YOU KNOW, LISTENING TO HIM
BRINGS BACK MEMORIES.
AND MY CONFIDENTIALITY
AGREEMENT

IMMEDIATELY TRANSFERRED
TO MY NEW EMPLOYER...
REALLY HORRIBLE MEMORIES.

THE MOMENT THAT MS. BREWSTER
WAS DECLARED DEAD.
YOU HAD TO TALK TO HIM.

AND I CAN TELL YOU
EVERYTHING I DID FOR FALCON,

OR WE CAN TALK ABOUT MY DUTIES
AT THE ESTATE,

LIKE TURNING ON
THE GIANT NEON LIGHTS AT NIGHT,

BRUSHING
THE STUFFED HORSES...

BUT YOU CAN'T SAY
FOR WHOM.

THAT IS CORRECT.

AND LISTEN, I AM EVERY BIT
AS IRRITATED BY THIS SITUATION

AS YOU ARE
BECAUSE I POSSESS INFORMATION

THAT COULD BE VITAL TO MOVING
YOUR INVESTIGATION FORWARD.

IF ONLY WE COULD...

GUESS THE PROPER LINE
OF INQUIRY?

WHAT IS THIS,
20 QUESTIONS?

OKAY, WELL,
WHAT WERE SOME

OF YOUR OTHER DUTIES
AROUND THE HOUSE?

NO. YOU'RE COLD...
VERY COLD.

HOW OFTEN DID YOU TAKE THE DOG
OUT FOR A WALK?

COLDER.
ICY, EVEN, JUST... BRR-RR-RR!

OKAY, IF THIS WAS A JOB,
HOW DID YOU GET PAID?

HOT! SCORCHING HOT!
OH!

I WOULD EVEN SAY
THAT YOU ARE

RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
HOW DO I GET PAID?

OKAY, SO, THAT CRAB CAKE
THAT DICK TRACY FED THE DOG,

SIR, WAS SHOT THROUGH
WITH ARSENIC.
I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT,
OF COURSE.

CRAP. DICK WAS TELLING
THE TRUTH ABOUT FALCON.
BUT IF YOU SUBPOENA
MY BANK RECORDS...

JUST HOLD ON.
ARSENIC?

WELL,
WHERE'S THE OLD LACE?

W-WHO USES ARSENIC
IN THIS DAY AND AGE?

I'LL CALL
THE CORONER'S OFFICE, SIR,

GET THEM STARTED
ON EXHUMING MS. BREWSTER'S BODY.

AH, I THINK
IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.

MS. BREWSTER WAS CREMATED
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DEATH.

"MARCELLA BREWSTER.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU,
SO I'M COMING BACK FOR IT."

HOW ARE WE GOING TO PROVE
ARSENIC POISONING WITH THIS?

CHECK MY CHECKS, CRIMESTOPPERS.

THE CASE WILL
PRACTICALLY SOLVE ITSELF.

SO, THE GOOD NEWS IS
LIEUTENANT FLYNN SAID

IT LOOKS LIKE
MY MOM'S GONNA MAKE IT.
ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON.

I ALSO SAID
IT'S A DAY-TO-DAY THING.

BUT WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF REHAB
AND MOVES INTO A HALFWAY HOUSE,

SHE'S GOING TO NEED SUPPORT,
FINANCIALLY.

LOOK, I-I HAVE TO GO TO WORK
SOONER OR LATER, RIGHT?

IT'S AN INCREDIBLY
GENEROUS THOUGHT.

I THINK ANDY MAY HAVE
SOME INSIGHT HERE.

IF YOUR MOTHER'S GONNA STAY
SOBER, SHE'S GONNA NEED TO LEARN

HOW TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR HERSELF.

YEAH, YEAH,
BUT I WANT TO HELP HER

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR HERSELF.

LET'S TRY THIS... DOWNLOAD SOME
PART-TIME JOB APPLICATIONS,

WEEKEND WORK ONLY, AND LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU'RE QUALIFIED TO DO.

SO, YES?
SO, MAYBE.

MARCELLA BREWSTER, BORN 1924,
DIED MAY 11, 2014,

AND THIS IS HER MALTESE,
FALCON.

LAST YEAR,
MS. BREWSTER'S FORTUNE

WAS ESTIMATED
AT $300 MILLION.

MARCELLA'S
ONLY HUMAN HEIRS...

GREAT-NEPHEW
CARTER BRADFORD

AND GREAT-NIECE
DEVIN BREWSTER DUNCAN...

WERE GIVEN $1,000 EACH.

WHY ONLY $1,000?

LEAVING A TOKEN AMOUNT
TO AN HEIR

IS ONE WAY TO PREVENT A WILL
FROM BEING CHALLENGED IN COURT.

UNSURPRISINGLY,
CARTER AND DEVIN

HAVE LAWSUITS ALREADY PENDING,
ANYWAY.

THE BULK OF THE ESTATE
WAS LEFT TO BE MANAGED

BY E.M. HOLDINGS
INTERNATIONAL,

WHO HAVE BEEN PAYING
MR. BAIRD...

A.K.A. DICK TRACY...
FOR MONTHS.

SO WE CAN ASSUME
THAT E.M. HOLDINGS MAINTAINS

THE CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT
THAT MR. BAIRD SIGNED.

MAYBE THEY'RE
INCORPORATED ABROAD.

I'LL RUN THE NAME
THROUGH INTERPOL

AND SEE
WHAT THEY COME UP WITH.

JULIO,
WHAT ABOUT THE CRAB CAKES?

AH,
SPECIALTY ITEM, MA'AM,

MANUFACTURED
BY PROSPECT BAY CRABS

AND SHIPPED FROZEN
FROM BALTIMORE.

OKAY, SO,
WHOEVER POISONED THE CRAB CAKES

HAD TO HAVE HAD ACCESS
TO MS. BREWSTER'S KITCHEN.

WHILE WE CAN'T CONFIRM
MARCELLA WAS POISONED

WITHOUT A TISSUE SAMPLE,
THIS IS INTERESTING.

HMM?
MARCELLA'S MEDICAL RECORDS SHOW
THAT SHE'D BEEN SUFFERING

FROM AN ACUTE
PROMYELOCYTIC LEUKEMIA,

A CANCER
OF THE WHITE BLOOD CELLS.

GOD.
CAN WE AUDIT THIS COURSE?

ONE OF THE TREATMENTS FOR APL
IS ARSENIC TRIOXIDE,

WHICH SHE'D BEEN TAKING
INTRAVENOUSLY.

YOU KNOW,
IF THE KILLER KNEW THAT MARCELLA

WAS ON AN ARSENIC-BASED DRUG,
MAYBE HE OR SHE THOUGHT

THAT BY ADDING MORE POISON
TO HER DIET,

IT WOULDN'T HAVE SHOWED UP
AT THE AUTOPSY.

I'VE CONTACTED
MARCELLA'S PERSONAL PHYSICIAN,

A DR. ENRIQUE CABRERA.

NOW, IN THE ABSENCE OF A BODY,
DR. CABRERA MAY HAVE

A LEFTOVER BLOOD SAMPLE
PROVING OUR VICTIM WAS POISONED.

DR. CABRERA, HUH?

YEAH, WELL, HE SIGNED
THE OLD LADY'S DEATH CERTIFICATE

AT 8:12 P.M.
ON MAY 11th,

BUT THE POLICE
DIDN'T GET THERE UNTIL 9:35,

AFTER THE BODY
HAD ALREADY BEEN REMOVED.

OH, W-WAIT,
THAT'S NOT STANDARD PROCEDURE.

THE BODY WAS REMOVED
BEFORE OUR GUYS GOT THERE?

WHO THE HELL DID THAT?

IT JUST SAYS
"RELEASED TO FUNERAL HOME,"

WHERE SHE WAS
CONVENIENTLY INCINERATED.

OUR PERSONAL PHYSICIAN
HAS SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

HOW DOES ONE
E-EXPLAIN DEATH?

USUALLY WITH AN AUTOPSY,

WHICH WE'RE UNABLE TO DO
IN THIS CASE.

HOW LONG WAS MARCELLA
UNDER YOUR CARE?

THREE GLORIOUS YEARS.

I MISS HER
LIKE I DO MY FIRST WIFE.

DID YOU DISCUSS MARCELLA'S
LEUKEMIA TREATMENT WITH ANYONE?

I'M PREVENTED FROM THAT
BY FEDERAL STATUTE.

SO YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO KNEW

ABOUT THE COMPOUNDS
IN HER CHEMOTHERAPY.
I DOUBT IT.

MS. BREWSTER LIKED TO TALK
TO ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN

ABOUT HER HEALTH...
AND ABOUT HER MONEY.

HOW MANY TIMES DID I HAVE TO
ATTEST TO THE WOMAN'S SANITY

BECAUSE SHE WANTED
TO VIDEO A NEW WILL?

EVERY OTHER DAY,
SHE CHANGED THE TERMS,

EXCEPT FOR LEAVING

THAT DETESTABLE MALTESE, FALCON,

HER HOUSE PLUS $20 MILLION.

I MEAN,
THE DOG IS... CUTE...

BUT STILL.

THE DOCTOR HAS
NO ARREST RECORD, MA'AM,

BUT HE DEFINITELY KNEW
SHE WAS INGESTING ARSENIC.
WHILE SHE WAS
UNDER YOUR CARE,

DID YOU TAKE OR ORDER
ANY BLOOD TESTS?
OF COURSE.

MAYBE HE WAS NAMED
A BENEFICIARY

OF ONE OF MARCELLA'S
VIDEO WILLS.

WELL, THEY SHOULD ALL BE A
MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD BY NOW.

I'LL GO LOOK.

I ASSURE YOU MS. BREWSTER
DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES,

DESPITE
THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE

WHO WOULD HAVE LOVED
TO STRANGLE HER IN HER SLEEP.

TOWARD THE END, DID YOU NOTICE
AN ABRUPT DECLINE?

WELL, AS DECLINES GO,
DEATH IS FAIRLY EXTREME.

YES, BUT, SADLY, DURING HER LAST
FEW DAYS HERE ON EARTH,

MARCELLA REFUSED MY CARE
AND HAD HER SECURITY GUARD,

CAPTAIN BAIRD,
ESCORT ME OFF THE PROPERTY.

ONLY WHEN SHE WAS PASSING
FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT
DID I RECEIVE A CALL.

I RUSHED TO HER SIDE, NATURALLY,
BUT BY THE TIME I GOT THERE,

ALL I COULD DO
WAS WHISPER A SAD...

"ADIOS, ANCIANA...
ADIOS."

OH, AND SIGN
THE DEATH CERTIFICATE.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN
WHY YOU RELEASED THE BODY

FOR REMOVAL
BEFORE THE POLICE ARRIVED?

THAT WAS NOT ME.

AFTER I PERFORMED
MY PROFESSIONAL DUTIES,

THEY IMMEDIATELY
REMOVED HER BODY.

THEY REMOVED THE BODY?
WHO ARE "THEY"?

WELL, THE SAME PEOPLE
WHO HAD TAKEN OVER HER LIFE

AND HIRED THAT LOATHSOME
CAPTAIN BAIRD.

THEY CALLED THEMSELVES
ETERNAL MEADOWS.

ETERNAL MEADOWS?
E.M.

THAT'S THE CORPORATION
SHE LEFT MOST OF HER MONEY.

YES. THEY SOUND LIKE A CULT,
DON'T THEY?

YOU SEE, I THOUGHT PERHAPS,
AS SHE REACHED THE END,

MARCELLA DECIDED TO FIND GOD
BEFORE GOD COULD FIND HER.

THAT IS OFTEN THE WAY.

- LIFE IN ALL ITS WONDER SEEMS
- FULL OF ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.

BUT WHAT IF
IT WERE TRULY ENDLESS?

ETERNAL MEADOWS OFFERS,
THROUGH ADVANCED CRYONICS,

THE CHANCE OF MAKING INFINITE
LIFE EXTENSION A REALITY.

OUR STATE-OF-THE-ART
FREEZING CHAMBERS

ARE SECURED AROUND THE CLOCK,
ASSURING YOUR ENDURING FUTURE.

JONATHAN,
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY,

IF MARCELLA BREWSTER
WAS CREMATED,

SHE WAS REMOVED
FROM HER HOME

BY A COMPANY
THAT FREEZES BODIES?

ETERNAL MEADOWS
DOESN'T FREEZE BODIES.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

AND I HAVE SAID
TOO MUCH ALREADY.

UH, IF I MAY, CAPTAIN.
LISTEN, DICK.

IN ORDER TO PROVE THE POISONING,
WE HAVE TO HAVE A TISSUE SAMPLE.

YEAH, AND THE BODY WAS CREMATED.
I GET IT.

BUT IF YOU PEOPLE COULD
JUST THINK IT THROUGH, HUH?

HMM?

ETERNAL MEADOWS
FREEZES PEOPLE'S HEADS?!

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
DO THEY?

OKAY. WHY WOULD SHE NOT PRESERVE
HER ENTIRE SELF?

BECAUSE WITH STEM-CELL ADVANCES,
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR HEAD

ATTACHED TO A YOUNGER BODY
WHEN THEY THAW YOU OUT.

WELL, YOU CAN'T ARGUE
WITH THAT LOGIC.

HOW ON EARTH
COULD YOU WORK

FOR A COMPANY
LIKE ETERNAL MEADOWS?

WELL, HOW ABOUT, THEY WERE
THE ONLY PEOPLE ON EARTH

WHO WOULD HIRE ME?

WELL, HERE'S ANOTHER THING
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING.

BUT IF WE'RE GONNA
PROVE POISONING,

I NEED TO GET
A SEARCH WARRANT

FOR MARCELLA BREWSTER'S
FROZEN HEAD.

YEAH, WELL,
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

NOW, I CAN'T GO WITH YOU
TO ETERNAL MEADOWS

BECAUSE THEN THEY WOULD KNOW
WHO GAVE YOU THE TIP-OFF,

BUT I HAVE DRAWN A BLUEPRINT
OF THEIR FACILITIES

AS BEST I COULD REMEMBER.

NOW, WHEN YOU ARRIVE
AT THIS DOOR,

IT'S LABELED
"HERMETICALLY SEALED,"

AND I WANT YOU TO THINK
OF THESE FIVE NUMBERS.

AND THINK OF THEM...
IN THIS ORDER.

GOOD LORD.

TWO GROWN MEN GOING
TO APPREHEND A FROZEN HEAD.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
ABOUT IMMORTALITY

YOU'D LIKE ME TO EXPLAIN?

WELL, I GET THE PART ABOUT
WHERE YOU CHOP OFF OUR HEADS

AND PUT THEM ON ICE
AND WE LIVE FOREVER,

BUT, UH,
WHAT'S A PERPETUAL TRUST?

WELL,
AS I'M SURE YOU'D AGREE,

THE LAST THING
ANYONE WOULD EVER WANT

IS TO WAKE UP IN THE FUTURE
WITH NO MONEY IN THE BANK,

SO WE MANAGE YOUR ASSETS FOR YOU
WHILE YOU'RE RESTING.

FOR FREE?
I WISH!

OUR ELECTRICITY BILL
IS THROUGH THE ROOF.

IT'S REALLY COLD BACK THERE!

NO, BUT WE ONLY CHARGE
YOUR TRUST 5% A YEAR,

WHICH IS VERY CLOSE
TO THE YIELD.
HMM.

SO, IF ONE
OF YOUR CUSTOMERS...

SAY, MARCELLA BREWSTER,
FOR EXAMPLE...

GAVE YOU $300 MILLION,
ETERNAL MEADOWS WOULD COLLECT...

WOW... $15 MILLION A YEAR
FOREVER...

FOR KEEPING HER DEAD HEAD
IN A CAN?

WE OPERATE UNDER STRICT
CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENTS.

I CAN'T DISCUSS INDIVIDUAL
CLIENTS OR THEIR FINANCES.

EVEN WITH POLICE?

HERE'S A WARRANT
FOR EVERYTHING

THAT IS LEFT
OF MARCELLA BREWSTER.

WAIT!
YOU GOT THE MAP
TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!

NO, I DON'T! THE FREEZERS
ARE DOWN HERE TO THE LEFT.

PLEASE STOP.
YEAH, AND GOOD LUCK GETTING
OUR PARKING VALIDATED NOW.

YOU CAN'T GO BACK THERE!
OH, MY GOD!

STOP. YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
YOU TWO ARE TRESPASSING.

IF YOU BREACH THAT DOOR,
ETERNAL MEADOWS

WILL DEMAND JUSTICE
FOR THE WOMAN

THAT YOU ARE ROBBING
OF IMMORTALITY!

I THINK HER MURDERER HAD
SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT, TOO.

BOY, SHE'S NOT KIDDING.
IT IS COLD IN HERE.

Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK

SORRY. THIS WOMAN'S HEAD
IS LIKE A GLACIER.

I HAVE TO THAW
HER OUT CAREFULLY,

OR I'LL RUIN ANY CHANCE I HAVE
AT A DECENT TISSUE SAMPLE.

WELL,
WHAT ABOUT A HAIR SAMPLE?

UM, IT'S A WIG.

SHE CHOSE THIS?
MM-HMM.

OH, DEAR GOD.

OH, I CAN'T WATCH.
I-I-I CAN'T WATCH.

REALLY?
BECAUSE I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.

PEOPLE PAY TO HAVE THIS DONE
TO THEMSELVES.

NO, THEY DON'T.

THEY PAY TO BELIEVE
THAT THEY'LL GET

ANOTHER SWING AT THE BALL,
ANOTHER NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

I-I-I DON'T KNOW
IF SHE WAS MURDERED,

BUT MARCELLA
WAS DEFINITELY ROBBED.

OH, THAT'S JUST WHAT SHE PAID
FOR THIS WIG.

LET ME SAY RIGHT NOW,
IT'S GONNA TAKE ME A FEW DAYS

TO GET THESE ARSENIC LEVELS
MEASURED PROPERLY.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S TRUE.
YOU DID IT.

CAPTAIN, LIEUTENANTS,
STEP OUT... NOW.

WHY DID YOU UNPLUG
MARCELLA BREWSTER'S HEAD?

NOW WE'RE BEING SUED BY
THIS ETERNAL MEADOWS PLACE.

MARCELLA BREWSTER
IS LEGALLY DECEASED,

AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO EXAMINE HER HEAD.

BUT ETERNAL MEADOWS SAYS

NOW THAT MS. BREWSTER'S
BEEN THAWED OUT,

SHE CAN
NEVER BE REFROZEN.

IT'S THE SAME
WITH CHICKEN OR FISH.

YOU'VE BROKEN
HER PERPETUAL TRUST.

THE TERMS OF HER ENTIRE WILL
HAVE JUST GONE OUT THE WINDOW,

INCLUDING ALL THE MONEY SHE LEFT
TO THE POLICE MEMORIAL FUND.

YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT THAT MEANS?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IF THAT WAS
THE PLAN ALL ALONG?

YOU MEAN WE WERE PLAYED
TO PULL MARCELLA'S HEAD
OUT OF THE FREEZER?

AND DESTROY
THE TERMS OF HER WILL.

TRACY HAS BEEN WORKING

FOR MARCELLA'S RELATIVES
THIS WHOLE TIME.

HE POISONED
THAT LITTLE DOG ON PURPOSE.

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

IT'S THESE
JOB APPLICATIONS.

THEY ALL WANT SOMEONE
WHO HAS A HIGH-SCHOOL DIPLOMA,

WHICH I DON'T GET
UNTIL AUGUST,

OR WHO HAS
ACTUAL WORK EXPERIENCE.

DIDN'T YOU PARTICIPATE
IN AN UNDERCOVER OPERATION

INVOLVING MAJOR CRIMES,
S.I.S.,

AND THE SPECIAL OPERATIONS
BUREAU OF THE LAPD?

BUT I DIDN'T GET PAID FOR THAT.
WELL, IT'S STILL EXPERIENCE.

LOOK,
I'LL SHOW YOU A VERSION

OF AN LAPD REFERENCE LETTER
ON OFFICIAL STATIONARY.

I'LL FILL IN SOME BLANKS,
SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.

W-WHAT... WHAT GOOD
IS EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT?

RUSTY, LISTEN TO ME.

LOTS OF STORES HIRE
QUICK-EYED KIDS LIKE YOU

TO HELP CATCH
SHOPLIFTERS, HUH?

THAT GIVES YOU A JOB
AND A SKILL.

I CAN'T BE A SNITCH
FOR A LIVING.

WELL,
OF COURSE YOU CAN.

SNITCHING ON PEOPLE
IS HOW I STARTED MY CAREER.

AND LOOK AT ME NOW.

CARTER BRADFORD'S NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT WORKING A DAY IN HIS LIFE.

AFTER LOSING MOST
OF HIS TRUST FUND

IN A CHAIN
OF VEGAN-TACO RESTAURANTS,

MARCELLA'S GREAT-NEPHEW,
CARTER BRADFORD,

SPENT A DECADE
CHASING THE PERFECT WAVE,

WHILE HIS COUSIN, DEVIN,

ENDED UP
IN SIMILAR FINANCIAL STRAITS

AFTER BUYING HERSELF
OUT OF THREE BAD MARRIAGES.

AS STATED EARLIER,
DEVIN AND CARTER

ARE BOTH CHALLENGING
THEIR GREAT-AUNT'S WILL.

THE LAST THREE OF WHICH
ARE ALL CUED UP. DETECTIVE?

YEAH.
I SPED THEM UP A LITTLE.

WILL ONE.

HELLO? IS THIS MACHINE ON?

I, MARCELLA L. BREWSTER,
BEING OF SOUND MIND

AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,

LEAVE EVERYTHING NOT SET ASIDE
FOR CHARITY

TO MY GREAT-NEPHEW,
CARTER BRADFORD.

HE'S AN AIMLESS CHICKENSHIT,
BUT

UNLIKE MY GREAT-NIECE, DEVIN,
CAN MANAGE THE SERVANTS.

MY HOUSE AND $20 MILLION

GO TO THE CARE AND MAINTENANCE
OF MY BELOVED FALCON.

OH. LOOK AT THE CAMERA.

SMILE, SWEETHEART.

TURN THIS THING OFF.
TURN IT OFF!

AMONG THE SYMPTOMS
OF ARSENIC POISONING

ARE CONFUSED
AND OVERLY AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR.

LIKE A SMALL DOG.
WILL NUMBER TWO.

YOU ALL KNOW WHO I AM, DAMN IT.

NO, I'M NOT SAYING
ANY OF THAT CRAP AGAIN.

SCROLL DOWN. KEEP SCROLLING.

THERE! HOLD IT!

I HEREBY GIVE
MY IDIOT GRAND-NIECE, DEVIN,

EVERYTHING NOT GOING TO CHARITY.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT
MY GREAT-NEPHEW VOTED

FOR A CERTAIN BLACK PRESIDENT
WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS.

AS ALWAYS, MY HOUSE
AND $20 MILLION GO TO FALCON.

FALCON, YOU'RE RICH.

AND, UH,
NOW FOR THE LAST

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT
OF MARCELLA BREWSTER.

I, MARCELLA BREWSTER,

PUT ALL MY MONEY NOT GOING
TO CHARITY IN A TRUST

TO BE HELD BY ETERNAL MEADOWS,
MINUS $1,000 EACH FOR MY HEIRS.

TRY SUING ME NOW,
YOU STUPID, UNGRATEFUL,

IDIOTIC BASTARDS.

NOTE THE ATTENDANT
FROM ETERNAL MEADOWS
IN THE BACKGROUND.

IT DOESN'T MATTER, ANYWAY,

BECAUSE I AM GOING TO NEED
EVERY DOLLAR I HAVE

FOR WHEN
I'M BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE.

MY HOUSE AND $20 MILLION

GO TO MY MALTESE
FALCON.

CAPTAIN,
I JUST WENT THROUGH

CARTER BRADFORD'S
CREDIT-CARD STATEMENTS,

AND IT TURNS OUT HE'S A CUSTOMER
OF PROSPECT BAY CRABS.

NOW, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.

A-ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS GUY
FED HIS GREAT-AUNT

POISONED CRAB CAKES
THAT HE HAD BOUGHT AND PAID FOR

WITH HIS OWN CREDIT CARD?

I'D SAY IT'S TIME
WE NOTIFY THE HEIRS

OF ANOTHER DEATH
IN THE FAMILY.

OH, FALCON, HUH?
WHO'D HE BITE NOW?

ACTUALLY, SIR, FALCON'S DEAD.
POISONED WITH ARSENIC.

WHOA. DO YOU KNOW
WHO FALCON LEFT THE HOUSE TO?

GOD, I HOPE HE ISN'T
THE BRAINS OF THE FAMILY.

THAT POOR LITTLE DOG WAS

MY LAST LIVING CONNECTION
TO MY DEAR GREAT-AUNT.

WHOSE ESTATE
YOU ARE SUING.

ONLY 'CAUSE I HAVE TO.

HOW ELSE AM I
SUPPOSED TO GET HER MONEY?

MY FAMILY SUES EACH OTHER
ALL THE TIME.

IT'S KIND OF NECESSARY.

SO, HOW DID FALCON DIE, ANYWAY?

FALCON WAS POISONED.

POISONED?

OH, MY GOD!

WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING

TO THAT INNOCENT
AND LOVING LITTLE SCAMP?

MY COUSIN DEVIN,
THAT'S WHO. UGH!

HEY, IF YOU CAUGHT HER
KILLING A DOG,

WOULDN'T ALL MY
GREAT-AUNT'S MONEY COME TO ME?

THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS.

I BET SHE'S ALREADY
MEASURING THE DRAPES...

YOU KNOW, IN HER HEAD.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?

BECAUSE IF "MR. COWABUNGA" SAW
AN EASY WAY TO PAY FOR HIS POT

AND HIS OCEANSIDE
LIFESTYLE... WOOF.

IT'D ONLY BE FAIR
'CAUSE I DID TONS OF STUFF

FOR THE OLD BAG
JUST BECAUSE I CARED.

I WOULD HAVE SOLD THAT HOUSE

AND TAKEN CARE OF FALCON
FOR FREE.

WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU DO FOR HER?

WELL, FIRSTLY,
I GAVE HER A LOT OF, UH...

MEDICAL BROWNIES, YOU KNOW,
TO BOOST HER APPETITE,

ALONG WITH THESE CRAB CAKES
THAT CAME ALL THE WAY FROM,

UH
SOMEPLACE REALLY FAR.

IF EINSTEIN HERE DID
POISON MARCELLA WITH CRAB CAKES,

WHY WOULD
HE VOLUNTEER THAT?

WELL, IT DOES SOUND
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

YOU DELIVERED
THE CRAB CAKES?

YEAH, FOR A WHILE, BUT
I COULDN'T GET NEAR THE OLD GAL

ONCE THOSE FREAKS
IN THE GREEN OUTFITS SHOWED UP

WITH THEIR SECURITY GUY,
CAPTAIN CRUNCH.

YEAH, WEIRDO RENT-A-COP
WOULD LITERALLY TURN ME AWAY

AND THEN HIT ON ME AS I LEFT.

UGH.

OH.

THESE REAL-ESTATE AGENTS...
LIKE SHARKS.

AT LEAST NOW I KNOW WHY
THEY'RE CALLING.

THE $20 MILLION DOGHOUSE
CAN FINALLY GO ON THE MARKET.

STRIKE ANYONE AS ODD
THAT THE ONLY PERSON THEY SEEM

TO HATE MORE THAN EACH OTHER
IS JONATHAN BAIRD?

SERIOUSLY?!
I'M THE LINCHPIN?!

THAT IS INSANE!

AND TRUST ME...
I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT INSANITY!

YOU'RE THE COMMON ELEMENT
BETWEEN EVERYONE

WHO HAD AN OPPORTUNITY OR MOTIVE
FOR KILLING MARCELLA.

YOU SENT THE DOCTOR AWAY,

YOU TOOK THE CRAB CAKES
FROM HER GREAT-NEPHEW,

AND YOU TOLD HER GREAT-NIECE
HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU FOUND HER.

OR MAYBE YOU WORKED
FOR EVERYBODY.

YOU HELPED ETERNAL MEADOWS
GET RID OF MARCELLA.

THEN HELPED THE OLD LADY'S
RELATIVES GET RID OF THE DOG.

LET ME EXPLAIN
HOW WRONG YOU ARE!

NUMBER ONE...
I CALLED YOU,

WHICH IS WHY WE'RE HERE
DISCUSSING MURDER

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
MI COMPADRE.

NUMBER TWO...
SECURITY CODES.

NOT ONLY DID I VIOLATE
MY CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENT,

BUT I GAVE YOU GUYS
THE NUMBERS PROTECTING

THE MOST VALUABLE FROZEN ASSET
IN THE WORLD!

NUMBER THREE...
EMPLOYMENT!

DEAD DOG, JOB GONE,
POOF!

GOOD THING THERE'S
A MILLION POSITIONS WAITING

FOR SOMEONE
WITH MY PSYCHIATRIC RECORD.

OH, WAIT!
THERE'S NOT!

NUMBER...
FOUR?

YEAH, NUMBER FOUR... NO PESOS,
MY LITTLE LATINO FRIEND.

HAVE YOU ESTABLISHED A PATH
BY WHICH

MONEY FROM
THE MARCELLA BREWSTER ESTATE

TRAVELS INTO MY POCKET?

NO.

YOU HAVE NOT!

AND FIFTH,
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY,

I LOST THE ONE THING
THAT MATTERED...

MY BEST FRIEND,
FALCON...

AND THE GREAT, BIG HOUSE
IN WHICH WE LIVED TOGETHER.

SO, WHAT IS MY MOTIVE,
YOU... YOU BIG MEANIES?

WHY WOULD I PURPOSELY KILL
MARCELLA AND FALCON

AND LOSE MY BEST CHANCE
AT LIVING A LIFE IN UNIFORM?

MAYBE YOU DON'T NEED
A MOTIVE.

MAYBE YOU'RE THE JUST CRAZIEST
PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

WELL,
I DID SKIP MY MEDICATION TODAY.

NO. HOLD ON... ONE OTHER THING
THAT HAS NEVER CHANGED

IN ALL OF MARCELLA'S VIDEO WILLS
WAS THE HOUSE.

IT WAS ALWAYS GOING
TO HER MALTESE... FALCON.

DEVIN WAS GETTING PHONE CALLS
FROM REALTORS

EVEN AS WE INTERVIEWED HER,

AND CARTER SAID THAT HE COULD
SELL THE MANSION, NO PROBLEM.

THE BREWSTER HOME
AND SURROUNDING ESTATES

HAVE FALLEN 30% IN VALUE
OVER THE PAST FIVE YEARS,

EVEN THOUGH THE REST
OF THE HOUSING MARKET
HAS GONE BACK UP.

NOW, NEIGHBORS SAY IT'S BECAUSE
OF THE UNCONVENTIONAL WAY

MARCELLA HAS DECORATED
THE GROUNDS...

STUFFED HORSES,
STATUES OF "DAVID,"

LOTS AND LOTS OF NEON.

YEAH, AND SOMETHING ELSE THESE
ESTATES HAVE IN COMMON...

...SECURITY GATES.

THE NEIGHBORS MET US
AT THE FRONT DOOR,

BUT THE SECURITY GATE CLOSED
BEHIND US WHEN WE ENTERED.

SO, WHO OPENED IT?
WELL, WE WEREN'T THERE,
BUT WE KNOW SOMEONE WHO WAS.

NO, NO, NO. I CANNOT BE
A WITNESS AGAIN, GUYS.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE SEEN
THE GATE.

I SAW IT OPEN AND CLOSE FOR US,
AND... AND THEN

I SAW THE NEIGHBORS GO IN
AND OUT, BUT THAT IS IT.

RUSTY,
DID YOU SEE WHO ENTERED
THE GATE'S SECURITY CODE?

NO. MNH-MNH. SORRY.

I WAS WATCHING SOMETHING
ON MY PHONE.

NOW, I HAVE
ALREADY WRITTEN SEVERAL

SAMPLE LETTERS
OF RECOMMENDATION

PRAISING YOUR POWERS
OF OBSERVATION.

OKAY, FINE.

ONCE THE GATE WAS OPEN,

MAYBE THE OLDEST GUY
WALKED THROUGH FIRST,

BUT THAT IS ALL I KNOW.

OKAY, THAT WOULD BE
THE NEIGHBOR, MR. KLEINER.

I WONDER IF HE'S THE ONE
CALLING REALTORS ABOUT
THE BREWSTER HOME.

WE STILL HAVE LEFTOVER
EVIDENCE, CORRECT?

ABOUT A FREEZER FULL
OF CRAB CAKES.

IF ONLY WE KNEW SOMEONE
WHO KLEINER

WOULD NEVER SUSPECT OF BEING
PART OF A POLICE OPERATION,

SOMEONE WHO HAD EVERY RIGHT

TO BE AT MS. BREWSTER'S HOUSE,
SOMEONE WHO COULD INFORM KLEINER

ABOUT A BARGAIN ABOUT
TO DROP INTO HIS LAP.

IT WAS HER AND THE DOG, RIGHT?
AND THEN ALL THESE PICTURES

OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE THAT'S
WHERE THEY LIVED, RIGHT?

THE HEIRS WOULD LIKE TO PUT
THE HOUSE ON THE MARKET,

BUT THEY'D BE EVEN MORE GLAD
TO AVOID REALTOR COMMISSIONS.

WELL, AS WOULD I.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WOULD YOU MIND?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

THERE WE GO.

DICK IS ACTUALLY DOING
AN OKAY JOB.

NOW WHO'S NUTS?

DON'T FORGET THAT
CAPTAIN CRAZYPANTS OVER HERE

WORKED FOR A FIRM
THAT WAS PEDDLING ETERNAL LIFE.

SO DOES THE POPE.

BUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS
A RELIGION. IT'S NOT A COMPANY.

AND THE POPE
DOESN'T PLAY DRESS-UP.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
NOT AS A COP.

MS. WINSLOW, THIS IS MR. KLEINER
FROM NEXT DOOR.

MR. KLEINER.
MY PLEASURE.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OVER.
OH, SURE, SURE.

I, UH, UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'VE
BEEN CONTACTING SOME REALTORS,

SAYING THAT YOU'D LIKE TO BUY
MY AUNT'S HOUSE FROM HER ESTATE.

I DID.

AND... AND... AND ALLOW ME
TO OFFER MY... MY CONDOLENCES.

YOU KNOW, IN ALL MY TIME
VISITING WITH MARCELLA,

I DON'T RECALL HER
EVER MENTIONING

A NIECE NAMED MEREDITH.

OH, WELL, I'M SURE THAT WE MUST
HAVE SOME PEOPLE IN COMMON.

ARE YOU FRIENDS
WITH THE... NEWHOUSES?

NO.
NO. THE DU PONTS?

THE WINDMILLERS?

AH. NO.

OH, WELL, I'VE NEVER HEARD
OF YOU, EITHER,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET
THAT BOTHER ME.

THANK YOU, JONATHAN.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HAVE A SEAT.
SURE.

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?

WILL YOU GET OUT OF THERE,
YOU MORON?

I DON'T MEAN TO KEEP YOU,
JONATHAN.

I'M SURE THAT YOU HAVE
OTHER DUTIES TO PERFORM.

EH, NOT SO MUCH.
EVERYONE'S DEAD.

OH, OH, YEAH,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DO HAVE SOMETHING VERY
IMPORTANT TO TAKE CARE OF.

SO, IF ANYONE NEEDS ME,
JUST GIVE ME A HOLLER,

AND I WILL BE...
I'LL BE OUTSIDE

AND ESPECIALLY FAR
FROM THE KITCHEN.

AND EXCUSE ME!

LISTEN,
UH, MS. WINSLOW,

IF YOU'RE REALLY SURE
YOU WANT TO SELL THE HOUSE...

OH, I AM.

I CAN'T GET ANY OF THE USUAL
DESIGNERS I WORK WITH

- TO EVEN VISIT THIS PLACE...
- THE DOG HAIR ALONE.

AND, UH, OF COURSE, WE NEED
TO TO AGREE ON A FAIR PRICE.

WELL, WHILE THE PRESS
REPORTS THIS MANSION

AS AN ENORMOUSLY VALUABLE
DOGHOUSE,

YOUR AUNT'S
ECCENTRIC SENSE OF DESIGN

HAS HAD A NEGATIVE IMPACT
ON VALUE.

I'D NEED TO DO A WALK-THROUGH
BEFORE AN OFFER.

OH. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

ONE MOMENT.

YES?

WELL, I'M NOT SURE I'M GOING TO
BE LISTING THE HOUSE, AFTER ALL.

OH, WELL, COULD YOU COME BY
AFTER 5:00?

OH, WELL, IF YOU REALLY FEEL
THAT YOU MUST.

UM, YES.

APPARENTLY,
THE LAPD IS DROPPING BY

TO CONDUCT SOME SORT
OF SEARCH.

GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY
THEY THINK

THERE MIGHT BE POISON
ON THE PREMISES.

IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I'D LIKE TO FINISH
THE SECOND-FLOOR INVENTORY

BEFORE THE POLICE COME BY
AND TURN THIS PLACE UPSIDE DOWN.

FEEL FREE TO WALK ABOUT.

I'LL FIND YOU
BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

OH, WELL, I'LL BE... I APPRE...
I'LL... I'LL BE VERY, VERY C...

OH, GOD.

LOOK HOW
DESPERATE HE IS.

WHAT A GENIUS.

HEY, NEXT TIME,
DON'T WAIT A MONTH

TO COLLECT EVIDENCE
THAT MIGHT INCRIMINATE YOU.

OH, IF HE HAD IT
ALL TO DO OVER AGAIN.

SYKES, SANCHEZ, PREPARE
TO APPREHEND THE SUSPECT

AS HE EXITS THE KITCHEN.

HOLY CRAP! WHAT'S DICK TRACY
DOING IN THE KITCHEN?

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING,
MR. KLEINER?
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

LET'S SEE
WHERE THIS GOES.

ICE.
JUST A LITTLE ICE.

IT'S... IT'S...
IT'S JUST SO HOT OUT THERE.

OHH, SEE, I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN STEALING

ALL THE CRAB CAKES
YOU FILLED WITH ARSENIC!
WHA...

OR MAYBE RETURNING THE VENISON
THAT I SUDDENLY RAN OUT OF

SO I WOULD END UP
FEEDING FALCON

YOUR RECIPE FOR DEATH
BY SHELLFISH.

YOU TOOK CARE OF FALCON
WHEN MARCELLA WAS AWAY.

YOU TOLD ME THAT
YOURSELF.

SO YOU HAD THE MOTIVE...

AN OVERLY SERIOUS DISLIKE
OF THE DECOR.

YOU HAD THE MEANS...
ACCESS TO THE SECURITY CODE

AND THE CRAB CAKES.

WOULD YOU MIND
EMPTYING YOUR BAG?

POCKETS, TOO, PLEASE.

CAREFUL.

I KNOW
HOW TO USE THIS.

GOOD. THEN YOUR DEATH
WILL BE RULED SELF-DEFENSE.

AAH!
AAH! AAH!

HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME!

DROP YOUR WEAPON!
DROP IT!

NO. DON'T SHOOT!
I'M RICH!

DID YOU GUYS SEE HOW I DREW HIM
OUTSIDE SO YOU COULD ARREST HIM?

ON YOUR KNEES. DON'T MOVE.
OH, HEY, CAN I CUFF HIM?
I HAVE CUFFS.

IF SOMEONE
DOESN'T SHUT HIM UP...
WHAT, MR. MONEYBAGS?

ARE YOU GONNA TAKE AWAY
MY POLO PRIVILEGES, HUH?

ARE YOU GONNA HIDE
YOUR GREY POUPON?

OH, I SHOULD HAVE POISONED YOU
INSTEAD OF MARCELLA.

BUZZ.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

I THINK WE CAN CLASSIFY THAT
AS A SPONTANEOUS UTTERANCE.

YES, I THINK WE CAN.

MR. KLEINER,
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST

FOR THE MURDER
OF MARCELLA BREWSTER.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY
CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU

IN A COURT OF LAW.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ATTORNEY.
IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD ONE...

NICE JOB, CAPTAIN.
OH. THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

BUT IT TOOK ALL OF US.

AND NOW WE HAVE AVENGED
MY LITTLE MALTESE.

SAY IT.

FALCON.

COULD SOMEONE
PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW A KILLER

CONFESSES TO MURDER AND
THEN GETS A DEAL FOR 25 YEARS.

IF WE'D GONE TO TRIAL, OUR STAR
WITNESS WOULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

JURIES
DON'T LIKE NUTJOBS.

TWO HOURS AGO, I FELT LIKE
I WAS ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

RIGHT NOW,
I FEEL VERY UNDERAPPRECIATED.

UNDERAPPRECIATED?
IT'S A WAY OF LIFE FOR US.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? MAYBE YOU'RE
A REAL DETECTIVE, AFTER ALL.

WOW.
I'M IN THE CLUB, HUH?

AWESOME!

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!
LISTEN UP!

OUR ATTORNEYS HAVE DECIDED

THE CRYONICS COMPANY'S SUIT
HAS NO MERIT.

AND AS FAR AS THE LAPD
MEMORIAL FUND IS CONCERNED,

NOTHING CHANGES.

MR. BAIRD, ON BEHALF
OF THE CITY AND THE LAPD,

ALLOW ME TO EXPRESS A GRATITUDE
THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDS.

SO, YOU'RE BRINGING ME
ON THE FORCE FULL TIME?

NOT A CHANCE.

CARRY ON, EVERYONE.

CARRY ON.

HUH. EVEN WHEN THEY THANK YOU,
IT'S THANKLESS.

MAYBE FOR MY NEXT TIME,
LOUIE...

NO, TRUST ME, DICK...
DESPITE WHAT THEY'RE SELLING

OVER AT ETERNAL MEADOWS,

THERE IS NO NEXT TIME...
THANK GOD...

BECAUSE AS FAR AS IT GOES
WITH YOU AND THE LAPD,

ONCE IS ENOUGH.

WELL, I'VE BEEN HERE TWICE.

MY POINT EXACTLY.
YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.

AH, BUT FIRST,
JONATHAN, COULD I GET YOU

TO FINISH WRITING
YOUR STATEMENT?

I BELIEVE
YOU'RE ON PAGE 63.

THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT, FOR THIS
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION.

I DON'T KNOW IF I EVEN
DESERVE ALL OF THIS,

UH... THIS PRAISE FOR MY WORK
WITH THE LAPD.

BUT I DON'T THINK
I CAN HANDLE A JOB

IN SECURITY
FOR A BIG RETAIL STORE.

I MEAN, POINTING OUT
PEOPLE WHO GET ARRESTED

ON MY SAY-SO
IS JUST NOT FOR ME.

W-WELL,
RUSTY... WELL, J... WAIT.

HOLD ON.
I MEAN, ARE YOU SURE?

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FILL
YOUR NAME IN ON THAT LETTER,

AND YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.

OR MAYBE YOU COULD FINISH
YOUR COURSEWORK

AND GET
YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL DIPLOMA

AND THEN WE CAN
ALL SIT DOWN AND DISCUSS

HOW YOU WOULD GO ABOUT
JOINING THE WORKFORCE.

YEAH, BUT THAT MAY
NOT EVEN BE POSSIBLE.

A-ANY JOB THAT... THAT PAYS WELL
IS REALLY HARD TO FIND,

AND THEN EVERYONE
WHO IS HIRING

IS TOTALLY CONCENTRATED
ON TRAINING AND EXPERIENCE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TALENT

AND ENERGY AND GENUINE INTEREST
IN THE WORK?

WHAT'S THAT WORTH?

WELL, AS IT SO HAPPENS,
WE HAVE SOMEONE HERE

WHO MAYBE BE ABLE TO ANSWER
THOSE QUESTIONS FOR YOU.

WHERE DID HE GO?

THAT'S FUNNY.

HIS STATEMENT
IS SIGNED AND DATED.

DID HE JUST LEAVE?

SON OF A...

"AND MR. RICHARD TRACY WORKED
SO WELL WITH THE POLICE

"THAT I AM ONLY SORRY
WE CANNOT HIRE HIM OURSELVES.

SINCERELY YOURS, LIEUTENANT
LOUIE M. PROVENZA, LAPD."

YEAH, I SHOULD SAY
FOR THE RECORD

THAT I LOVED MY ROLE
GOING UNDERCOVER

IN THE CLASSIFIED
LAW-ENFORCEMENT OPERATION

LIEUTENANT PROVENZA
REFERRED TO THERE,

BUT MY TRUE PASSION HAS
ALWAYS BEEN RETAIL SECURITY.

A PASSION WE HERE
AT LAVOI'S DEPARTMENT STORE

WILL BE HAPPY TO EMPLOY.

YES!

WELCOME ABOARD, MR. TRACY.

WELCOME ABOARD.

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