Original subtitles

Out of the way please boys and girls.

Poor thing, who is it?

It's Dr Guido Tersilli, he's a medico della mutua.

How did it happen? I planned everything but I never expected this.

I suppose you're wondering why i'm being dragged off in this ambulance too.

I guess it's because I...

Well it all started the day...

I went to join the mutua to become a medico della mutua.

That day... oh, do you know what a medico della mutua is?

Well you know what socialized medicine is don't you?

And here in Italy we have our own special version,

our system is called "la mutua".

And the medico della mutua is a doctor who's in the racket... the system.

And of course "mutuati" are the patients.

Anyway, that day there I was...

an eager young doctor about to become part of this giant step in social progress

with its modern buildings, full of modern offices...

full of modern people, full of modern efficiency.

The magnificent "mutua".

- Where do I join up? - How the hell should I know?

- Here you are. - Please.

- Thank you. - Your application is all in order doctor so later...

you'll just go down to the supply office and get your prescription sheets.

Do you already have an office?

No, i'm still looking for a good part of the city.

Well all areas have their good and bad sides.

The real trouble is you doctors are too damn many.

- Got any mutuati lined up? - No.

Bad, a small practice always costs more...

if the mut... I mean the doctor has to get more mileage out of his patients...

charging for more visits and...

forcing them to be sicker than they really are.

One of the little games, you know?

I'll be frank about it...

The mutua doesn't function like...

your friendly neighbourhood cow that likes to get milk.

And it wasn't made for starving young doctors...

to get their carbohydrates and proteins from either.

- Get it? - It's a good point?

You and the mutua are serving as partners...

in a community effort and that should be respected.

There's no room for operators in this field.

The mutua is a social conquest and...

all of us must uphold that conquest and defend it.

Ah, uphold, uphold.

No more visits than they need and...

no more writing prescriptions unless it's an emergency.

Those are the golden principles that should govern your work.

Boy do I love you.

- Just off the record mind if I ask you, are you well off? - No.

Poor boy, I susupected as much, you're the worst type there is.

If you had a little dough you could make a start buying your mutuati.

There's some doctors around willing to sell and many willing to buy.

You can find some good mutuati for around one or two million lira.

You shouldn't have made medicine your major without any money.

Like the proverbial saying...

having to start out scratching around for clients ain't no bed of roses dear.

Dear!

He told me that getting them one by one was, how did he say it, no bed of roses.

Hey, listen.

Teresa could come up with a few mutuati, she's got a little money.

No, that's all going to be put into a house when we get married mum.

Who the hell says you're going to marry her?

- But we're engaged, she's waited 6 years. - Don't be stupid.

You're a medico della mutua now and...

you've got to devote body and soul to your mutuati.

Say, how many mutuati would it take for me to come out with a good yearly income?

- About 300. - About 300 Teresa says.

300? What kind of an income would that get?

Be a little more realistic Teresa, at least 1,000 would be more like it.

But I only meant maybe that'd be a good number to start.

I haven't sacrificed all these years to put him through a medical school...

just to have a son with the income of a bellhop!

But doctors don't get rich the way they used to, there's too many for one thing.

I read in the paper that today in Italia there are...

- more than twice as many practitioners as a decade ago. - Oh you did did you?

Gimme gimme.

Did you read this though? This was put out by the Italian dept of Health.

Well it was written in Italian!

Momma always did get carried away when she read aloud.

177 billion plus 400 milion lira.

- Paid out to us medicos. - She heard.

Well if you put it that way.

Well son, all systems are go, let's get to work.

No, don't out that vase on the table.

Here's a streetmap of Rome.

I'll do it mamma, give me a hand honey.

- What's going on? - A plan that mamma's prepared.

Now this directory has an official list of all the medicos with the mutua.

- Have a seat everyone. - Sit down.

The thing is how to pick the right area of the city to start your practice.

Simple, find out where the rest of doctors are and set up somewhere else.

Get a pen Teresa, you can make marks while I read of doctors names.

Here we are mamma, shall I start?

Pen ready... Zone A, it's the Ardeatina.

That's it there.

Dr. Angiolini Achille,

Dr. Assani Lorenzo,

Dr. Attanasio Ercole,

Dr. Azzanichi Russo

The zone with the least number of marks was Nuovo Salario.

And it was there that we decided to launch our offensive.

It was a section inhabited mainly by...

labourers, office workers, storekeepers and above all...

government employees.

The best quality mutuati there are.

The sign outside the building was almost bigger than my office.

But thanks to Teresa,

who signed promissary notes to the tune of half a million lira,

the office had everything on it.

Poor Teresa, for years she sacrificed for me.

Her dream was to become the wife of a doctor, better yet, a medica della mutua.

There they are, my future patients.

If, like mamma read, it's true and there are 46 million citizens in Italy

eligible for free medical care...

then that means that out of every 100 that pass, 88 have somewhere...

in their pocket, their purse, the back of their dresser drawer...

a little mutua booklet and according to statistics...

the Italian welfare patient is the world's most diligent visitor to doctor's offices

and without a doubt unmatched in his consumption of prescriptions.

Medical welfare had become kind of a game become doctor and patient...

and for me it was important to get into that game.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, let me take your pulses.

Dr Guido Tersilli, medico della mutua is waiting for you and your ailments.

While I was waiting for my first patient,

mamma was beating the pavements of the neighbourhood...

on a tireless mission which she liked to call "public relations".

What she told people I never found out but i'm sure it was completely shameless.

- I say, do you have a mutua? - I don't but my husband does.

Ah yes, then you must remember this name, Dr Guido Tersilli.

If you're looking for a medico who's "bravo" he's the "bravo-est" of them all...

and his first concern is with his with us mutuati not the mutua.

In the afternoon, as soon as her office closed, Teresa would go along to help.

- And the pizzeria, have you hit that yet? - No.

Alright, we'll hit that one as a team.

I'll go in first, you walk in 10 seconds later.

- We'll use plan 4, got it? - Yes.

Oh senora, what brings you over this way?

I came here because my doctor has his new office in via Ottaviano ...

- Louder. - Via Ottaviano Vimercati, 30!

Well we two seem to have the same medico, Dr Guido Tersilli.

- I'd do anything he said. - Sure, I would too...

He always makes you feel such confidence, he really knows what he's doing.

And what's more he's so very handsome!

Having to visit a doctor you don't like too much is...

always an unpleasant thing to go through, especially for us women.

What's the name of this doctor?

What difference? We have a medico that's fine.

Yeah but he's awfully old.

That's the point I was getting at, but still good.

We have to be more careful how we talk.

It was poor strategy to stress the point that Guido's an attractive young man.

Yes because handsome, I mean really good looking handsome he's not.

Ah signora, what a pleasure to see you up and around. A coffee please.

I'm awfully sorry I never dropped by, I heard you were sick for quite a while.

Some days I felt as if the world were coming to an end.

But wow that Dr Tersilli, my dear the shots he gave were miracles.

I'm completely rejuvenated, a bundle of energy, a frolicking filly in the field!

Excuse me signora but could you tell me what these shots are?

In the evening mamma and I would go to the local movie houses...

where the audiences, for the most part, were made up of mutuati.

Attention please, Dr Guido Tersilli is wanted on the telephone in the lobby.

- Here I go. - Just a minute dear, wait till he repeats it.

Attention please, Dr Guido Tersilli is wanted on the telephone in the lobby.

- It's urgent, I repeat... - Go on, go on.

Excuse me.

I'm coming! Excuse me mamma.

It's me! I mean, i'm on my way!

My son can't even see a film now without some patient calling.

That's what he gets for being good.

Hello, this is Dr Tersilli.

Yes, who am I speaking to?

Ah signora...

I did just like mamma said, did I time it alright?

Tell her i've done all the chores.

Are you leaving now, shall I wait down at the door?

Will you take me home or not? I can catch a bus if you want.

Stay there and relax signora, just keep her at home.

Babies are very susceptible to unexpected temperature rises.

Sure, i'll be right over, mustn't worry.

Come now, we doctors enjoy performing our duties, arrivederci.

Thanks a lot.

Are you the manager? Thanks a lot.

Dr Tersilli, the local medico della mutua.

We're neighbours you know, my office is down the street.

Every afternoon from 3 to 7 I waited and waited and waited...

for someone to realise that Dr Guido Tersilli existed.

My mother was always quick to quote figures...

45 million mutuati in Italy,

177 billion lira to be divided annualy among the doctors.

But I was beginning to wonder. Finally, one afternoon...

Mamma, one's coming in. No it's a her mamma.

Listen mamma, call me back in 5 minutes will you.

Doctor, there's a lady here, what shall I tell her?

Wait a minute, don't hang up yet. Have her come in now.

- You can come in now signora. - That's it, come on in.

Just take a seat. Excuse me a minute senator...

Yes, continue the applications every 2 or 3 hours.

Should the sensation keep up just give me a ring and...

i'll try to come by later on tonight.

It's impossible to say when with the crowd in my office.

Yes, you're really on the mend, arrivederci senator.

Tell me signora.

Well now, I have the mutua of Dr Cifiello.

- You know the one who has his office on the corner? - No I don't.

Well his waiting room's packed all day long.

- A change might be nice. - You've settle with the mutua about being my...?

Oh no no, I haven't made up my mind if I like you yet...

but if you want i'll pay for the visit.

No, you have it all wrong. I wasn't thinking about money signora.

You never know you see, like maybe you're a madman or...

you might even make a pass of some kind.

Tell me, what's wrong with you dear?

Oh poor you doctor, I have everything.

- Oh no I can't believe it, you look so young! - You're silly you are.

Tell me, how old do you think I am?

- Er well... - 32.

32 and do you know i've been through 3 operatins already.

- As a baby, appendicitis along with... - Peritonitis.

- The there were these stones.. - Kidney stones?

No, liver stones, but they left a pair of scissors inside and operated again.

Oh really, but you look like you're in the pink signora.

- Now Dr Cifiello says i've got adhesions. - That's natural.

- Shall I take my clothes off? - What are you doing?

Taking my clothes off.

It's not necessary but if you want to I could always...

I must say, I never undress in front of my husband...

but now i'm quite used to taking my clothes off in front of doctors.

Do you feel any sort of pain or what is it exactly?

Yes, I always have this weight in my upper stomach like a watermelon.

- Before meals or after? - Before, during, after, all the time.

Lie down signora.

- Oh the hat, should I? - No no, wear it signora.

- Are you going to operate? - No, I won't operate.

Excuse me signora.

Dr Tersilli's office.

Have you done her yet? She's in the office right now?

Be careful how you treat her so she'll stay our client...

and make her a nice prescription!

Oh my god, well if you're in real agony i'll come have a look.

I'll try to be there around 6 o'clock, my respects signora.

It's so nice to see a doctor actully willing to make a house call.

It's my duty.

- Dr Cifiello doesn't have that opinion. - No? - No.

He says you go to the beautician, you go to the tailor...

so woman you can damn well come to the doctor.

You're a strong one.

That's a point of view a great many of my colleagues have.

Doctor, do you think it's an ulcer? You can tell me, i'm not afraid.

I've already had 3 operations and I don't mind having another one.

Because whenever I have another piece taken out I...

I feel that much lighter.

No, I don't think it's an ulcer.

More likely i'd say you have a nervous twitch in the colon.

Dr Cifiello's of a different opinion.

It's a lack of tone he said.

- Were you given an ECG by Dr Cifiello? - No.

What made him think you lacked tone then?

Inhale.

In fact your rhythm does sound a wee bit altered signora.

Now sit up.

- Also over here there's always this ache. - Show me.

Over the right sort of... do you think it's the kidney?

Let's see a minute.

- Feel pain? - When I giggle.

- Have you had a urine sample taken? - Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.

- And the result? - Nothing according to Dr Cifiello.

And i'm always going prickly as if these big ants are coming up my legs.

And the more I think about it the more I think i've had it!

That has to do with your circulation signora.

That's what I said, i've always had low blood pressure.

- Tell me now dear, how low is it? - Just a minute.

- 120 signora. - It should be about 140 at least 130.

Who said so? Better low than high no?

- You can get dressed now signora. - Thank you that was marvellous.

Say I chose you as my new doctor, would you write me out a thing for my husband?

A prescription? Certainly signora.

And I always seem to be out of cotton...

and I do need gauze and iodone...

and pills for my throat and nose drops, ear drops, eye drops,

hydrogen peroxide and corn removers.

- Two lemons and a kilo of potatoes. - How sympathetic you are.

Please don't get it into your head that I haven't any shame it's just that...

some doctors are inclined to serve...

the interest of the mutua rather than the mutuati.

No signora, i'm just the opposite. To my mind the mutuati are sacred.

- What a pretty sight. - Yes, eye drops, gauze.

Do I have to pay anything?

Nothing signora, naturally i'd like you for my mutuati.

- I'll speak to my husband. - Your husband.

But I know you're going to have loads of mutuati because...

you're proud and intelligent.

Thank you signora, thank you for coming, come again soon.

Mamma, she left a couple of minutes ago.

Sure she'll return, if only you could've seen.

She's a patient of Dr Cifiello.

Who knows, somebody in the neighbourhood, there's offices near here...

but the man has lots of mutuati.

Dr Cifiello.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Do you have an appointment? - No.

The doctor's very sorry but he can't see you unless you have an appointment.

Then it stands to reason that everyone here has an appointment?

Naturally.

- Then why are they being kept waiting? - What do you mean by that?

It seems to me that this Dr Tersilli...

doesn't have much respect when it comes to his mutuati.

Tersilli? I don't know who you're talking about.

You're in the wrong place signora, this is Dr Cifiello's office.

My apologies, I might've guessed because...

everyone I talked to raved about Dr Guido Tersilli.

Oh then why don't you just leave signora.

Oh I will, i'm leaving now, just as quick as I can.

But before I do i'll have you know the way you're doctor has...

some patients stand around all day when they have a right to...

get treated like anyone else is disgusting, shameful and disrespectful!

You got the idea because we're nothing but mutuati and...

don't happen to pay cash that you can just...

push us around like some lousy herd of cattle.

It will always remain a great mystery to me how...

any patient could possibly survive a trip in an ambulance.

When they took me out I realised they'd brought me to San Servolo...

an old hospital where I knew everyone and where everyone knew me.

In fact, it was right here at San Servolo that several years before...

i'd applied for a position as a volunteer assistant.

That means unpaid, but I didn't mind.

To me the important thing was to have a title to stick onto the end of my name.

People have more confidence in a doctor when they know he works in a hospital.

They think he's better, at the time so did I.

No no, wait a second fella, there's no parking in that area.

There isn't? What about these?

Those cars belong to the medical staff of the hospital.

Ah, well you're looking at one of those doctors.

- You're a doctor here? - Yes.

Since when?

Ever since the mail came.

- Here. - Go right in doctor.

I hope you're happy.

I tried out all the hospitals and clinics but in the end I chose...

San Servolo becuase it specialised in caring for the aged.

The patients were generally on their last legs but...

they had masses of children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren...

and I was hoping these masses would make for good hunting, for mutuati of course.

- My name's Dr Guido Tersilli. - Dr Bilini, head assistant.

I was notified I got accepted.

Gentlemen, Dr Guido Tersilli, our new volunteer assistant.

- Zeccone, chief AV - A pleasure.

Piselli, volunteer assistant. - Tersilli.

- Drufo, volunteer assistant. - My pleasure.

- Mistico, volunteer assistant. - Tersilli.

- Lampredi, volunteer assistant. - Tersilli.

- Sandolini, volunteer assistant. - Pleasure.

Come on, i'll present you to the boss.

- Never seen him. - Beady eyes.

He has a lean and hungry look.

That's what I mean about those eyes, real beady.

I see your curriculum is quite varied doctor.

- That's quite a few hospitals. - A doctor can never stop learning professor.

Sure, you never stop learning in this business.

- I see you were recently assistant volunteer to Prof Lazzarini. - Yes sir.

What brings you over here then?

Prof Lazzarini is one of the giants of science.

Yes i'd heard that too only I was disappointed by that giant because...

for me Prof Lazzarini was always behind a wall.

A wall?!

Yes, a wall of white smocks to say nothing of all the resident physicians,

assistant volunteers, interns, nurses and nurses aides.

On top of all that never heard one diagnosis, one clinical discussion...

one lesson in theraputics that didn't go on and on about your fame Prof.

Oh, let's just forget it.

I'm me and Lazzarini is Lazzarini and that's all there is to it.

- Between you and me doctor... - Tersilli, please.

- There will never be a wall of white smocks. - Wonderful.

Here we're all a happy little family.

I look on the profession as if it were a mission doctor...

unfortunately today there a great many medical men who...

excerise the profession as if it were any old business.

The cause of it? It's the mutua.

It's a vicious monster, it smothers doctors under a vast impersonal system.

And the result? They work towards quantity and not quality.

It's easy for him to talk, he picks up 30 bills a visit.

I imagine Tersilli you've already began your hunt for mutuati?

Mutuati, professor I really don't know what they are.

In my humble opinion all men are entitled to equal treatment...

no matter if they're filthy rich or poverty stricken.

- No matter if they're property owners or... - Fine.

Bravo, I sympathise with you Tersilli.

Here's an example you should all keep your eye on, a real missionary.

Bonjourno, bonjourno, how are you sister Pasqualina?

- Grandpa, how are you? - Getting better but I can't smell.

Ooh la la, antispastics.

Bronchial pneumonia, very good indication of response to penicillin and...

- Put him on Strofatine. - Right Prof, already ordered.

You'll smoke it yourself later!

- Can I have your autograph Mr Servi. - Do I really look like...

You've made a mistake, this is Guido Tersilli one of new assistants.

But you'll find him in smocks, he's part of the family now.

A divine man, so professional and so dedicated.

I can't remember any of the others working the hours he puts in.

The patients are wild about him, he's so warm and human it's a joy to see.

He's a devout man too...

Every morning before he makes his rounds he goes to the chapel and prays.

Last Friday he brought along his mom and fiancee.

If only the others could be that way.

I often wonder how we could help him, he sure needs it.

He told me the other day that his pa was killed when he was still a baby and...

it was his ma that slaved away to get him as far as he's gotten.

What do you suppose we could do?

Give him a good build up to any...

outpatients and visitors who might have a mutua.

It happens to be forbidden and you know it aswell as me sister.

The Pope didn't say anything and he has more sway than any hospital board.

I want a new doctor because the other one plays filthy tricks.

Filthy tricks, are you sure we're not exaggerating?

Not so, he's a real son of a bitch.

Alright tell me then, what did Dr "Sonofabitch" do to you?

You don't believe me eh? You think I got a screw loose?

I'm not a mechanic, i'm a doctor, a medico...

I help sick people get well again.

And to begin with I want to give you a little examination.

Take over your overalls and get on the couch, you can keep your hat on.

- So what is it exactly? - It's the flour doctor.

- What? - Peanut butter meringues and pineapple turnovers...

They've really got it in for me.

- You're being chased by these pastries? - No, right there in front of me.

- How often does this sort of thing happen? - Every day.

I just can't stand it anymore, i'm smothered in flour.

All this caramel and rum, that's a baker's life for you.

Now I see.

You should've said you're a baker, you had me worried.

Yeah, I bake all day.

Sometimes I think the doctors' after me.

They don't believe it, and before I know what he's said...

he's telling other people there, he keeps saying "Fine son, fine".

And he keeps telling me i'm gonna be all better.

This nurse brings in two more rounds and they put me in the nuthouse!

- Senor Pepperello. - Luigi, Luigo Pepperello.

With so many doctors here in Rome what made you decide to chose me?

I've already been to everyone except you!

Why this great turn around?

I've been in this cast a year now because I fell down one day on a job...

and my boss says he can't get the company insurance to say...

I was asleep when I got hurt so I go to my regular doc and he says...

That you've got to get the company to do it.

So i've been to all the medicos in Rome in the last 6 months...

but no one will help me, that's the mutua for you.

In the end I even saw two vets but they said i'm not a dog...

so why does everybody treat me like one?!

You have my sympathy but the mutua's very strict.

My mother-in-law bought a pickaxe so she could break me out.

What do you mean your mother-in-law, it'd be murder.

You mean i've got to stay in this till I rot?

- You've already signed up as my new patient? - Yes sir.

Not so fast there, you know how to handle that?

Better than your mother-in-law.

Top of the morning to you. I was a prisoner of war in Ireland.

A person would think you were born there.

I'm sorry but I can't shake your hand, hygeine.

- Ron Marco, I want you know we're an important family. - How nice for you.

Sit down please, i'll be right with you.

Here, this one, this is my side.

Have you officially signed up with me yet?

No no, we'd better make a contract first.

We have to make a contract, what for?

Doctor Costanzi, buried just last week, used to give me 30% off.

Your doctor gave you 30%, just like that?

- Yes. - Why?

- Come on, over here. - This is my side... oh alright.

Now look at that.

All of my own work.

- And your wife? - She was there...

Then there's the brother, his wife, the mother-in-law and 2 cousins.

Sixteen patients all with the mutua.

Now if you add up house calls and us coming to you...

you can count on 20 to 25 visits a month and in the winter you can double it.

- That's a pretty good average eh? - What the devil made you pick me?

You can thank sister Pasqualina, I gave her my blood at San Servolo.

- 2,000 liras a quart. - Oh yes, a pint.

- You wanna meet the kids? - Have them come in, why not.

Guilio, Christina, all of you, come on up.

You see that, they do what they're told.

Yes they do now get back on your side.

What kind of work are you in?

Ooh la la, you're a man of the world doc...

you mean to say that with such a flock a poor father like me has time to work?

Naturally, mind my asking how come you have the mutua?

I don't, it's my old lady, it's a lot better that way.

I draw a little now and then for war injuries.

My wife works in the market, when she's not working on my account.

- Legit? - Absolutely.

- Here they are. - Come on in, he won't bite.

Come on in, they look like little mice.

Show the doctor how well you speak Italian.

- Hello doctor. - Hello children, just take it easy Tersilli.

That's quite a batch you've got there, how's their health.

There's possibilities galore doctor.

Too late with the big ones, they've already lost their adenoids and tonsils.

All of this territory is virgin and what's more...

you can always be sure of a couple of stitch wounds a month.

Listen, you lost me there.

You mean to say you've never studied the mutua's little handbook?

- Why don't you explain it. - Alright, stitches, article 2.

Say you've got upto 2 stitches to put in...

no matter whether it's in the office or outside...

you get the basic 1,800 lira...

if you have to give 3 stitches or more you're operating...

in which case you have the right to collect the maximum fee...

which is 4,765 lira.

- Ah, you sure study the mutua! - It's my hobby doctor.

Anyway, finances are my business.

You'll find out with us you'll have it made...

perhaps we are poor but we are very honest.

- What's more, me and the woman, we haven't even begun yet. - No?

- Say, what street am I on? - You're out by the aquaduct.

Out in the aquaduct more like!

- Anita Fagottoni? - Present.

Nice that you're present.

- Hello. - At last, you sure took long enough to get over here.

I've never been out here before...

I thought i'd stop and do a bit of sightseeing.

Never mind.

- Well, where's the patient? - That's him.

- This one? - That one.

- What's he got? - I don't know, little son-of-a-bitch won't eat.

You mean you made me come all the way out here, 23km...

because you can't get a son-of-a-bitch to eat?

Well who sohuld I call, a plumber?

Couldn't you bring the kid to my office tomorrow morning?

- You're the one with a car ain't you? - A car she says, i've got a Lambretta.

Well we ain't even got a skateboard.

Then you don't have any parking problems do you?!

Alright, let's take a look at our sick little son-of-a-b...oy.

Kid, you like watching tv?

Let's get rid of that and that, now let's have a look at your tongue.

The best thing for him is a good flushing out signora.

- You're having pasta tonight? - Yeah, like every damn night.

What's that there?

It's nothing much, the finger just got caught in the can opener.

It doesn't hurt.

- The finger might be infected. - Ah come on, it's nothing.

Better let me tell you that.

- That's much too deep a wound. - Yeah? How you gonna fix it?

- Sow it up. - You don't mean put in a stitch?

- No, 3's more like it. - You're gonna put 3 in?!

- What's that yelling? - Mamma.

- Now who's she giving it to? - No, doc's giving it to her, 3 stitches.

- In her mouth? - No, her finger.

Now Teresa, you sign here under me.

If you'll excuse me i'll go get the papers.

Thanks angel but we could've waited a bit longer...

But the minute you want something there's no arguing.

I simply refuse to let you get soaked on your house calls.

You're so good to me sweetheart but really...

committing yourself for my car over 3 years.

But it's only a small way to help you get started and the sooner the better...

because then... I won't say anything else.

Our future, i'm thinking about it just as much as you are sweetheart.

Lord and Lady Medico Della Mutua.

- Car's registered in your name right? - Yes, Doctor Guido Tersilli.

- Here you are, car registration and keys. - Thank you.

These are yours I believe.

- May I have the car? - It's all yours.

Oh my, oh boy, did you hear that Teresa?

You get in that side, this is my side.

- Does someone have to push? - Of course.

- How about picking up mamma? - If you must, of course.

Nah, no mothers or patients, we'll go out alone...

- The two of us for the whole evening, how's that? - Alright, let's go.

Maybe you should get more cash clients, you only have...

The man in the bar around the corner eh?

- You know having them around is a real pain in the neck. - Why?

They complain, you have trouble collecting from them...

they're a waste of time, you have to explain exactly what's the matter...

they want a complete analysis of what you've prescribed.

The mutuati though is a matter of production line.

You just put your stamp in his booklet...

talk a little Greek and sling a couple of pills at them.

In the time it takes me to dispose of just one payer I can assist ten mutuati.

Tersilli, telephone for you.

- Did you say I was around? - Of course.

No no, say i've gone, i've left.

- Alright doctor but the party says it's an emergency. - Yeah, they all do.

Say i've left for the Virgin Islands.

I find it embarrassing the way your mother calls no matter where you are.

Why did you have to tell her we were here?

I didn't, she guessed, we come here practically every night.

If she keeps on like this she's gonna make you look ridiculous.

She's a performer, she can't help it, what am I gonna do?

It's become like a mania...

last week she telephoned St Peter's, the Pope called me for pulpit.

Ok doctor, she said it was urgent but I told her you weren't here.

Good, we can finish the meal, the chops are great.

Some of the things you have to listen to these days...

is enough to make you lose your appetite.

You want progress and what do you get...

a suffering patient who's probably about to die.

Call the doctor for help and what does he do?

He sits there with his little lady stuffing his face with mutton.

You mean to tell me that's a lady with a sugarfaced puss like that?

Bitch, i'll bust her right in the mouth if she says one more...

No, just forget they exist, act as if you haven't heard anything.

Well it's nice to know we don't have to worry about that.

You should worry more about the undertaker.

Up yours!

Well it's about time, where in the world have you been?

Out to dinner with Teresa.

- Where did you eat? - At the usual restaurant.

No, I called and they said you weren't there.

I told them to say that, blimey you call me everywhere mamma.

Blimey nothing, this call happens to be the real mccoy, you're 2 hours late.

You mean I have a call?

Of course, they couldn't get their own doctor, go on.

- Yes yes. - Get a move on, speed if you have to... and hurry.

- Mamma? - Get going.

Aren't you going to say anything? How d'you like my new Fiat?

A 600, even John Fonseca has a Coupe.

Yeah but he's no medico della mutua, besides, he stole his!

Doctor, up here, all the way.

Right signora, all the way, yes.

I'll feel so bad about this but I just couldn't find our own doctor.

- Come on in. - Don't worry, i'm used to late night calls.

I'm so glad, you see my husband is going through one of his attacks.

Well let's have a look.

- Pietro, the doctor's here, you happy now? - Yes i'm here Pietro.

Doctor Sunshine!

- Careful, there's a step. - Yes I saw it, thank you.

Well now, how are we feeling?

I bit better thank you.

Bravo! He just seems a bit overexcited, that's all.

- But not about me. - Eh, yes.

That's good, just keep breathing.

- I'll live I feel. - You can say that again.

- Let's listen to your heartbeat. - Go ahead, listen.

- Would you open up his pyjamas? - Yes.

And the undershirt, pull it up.

Don't tickle.

- That's it, relax. - You're so good.

Well you do have a slight irregularity.

- Double systolic, I know. - Good show!

Now forward, let's do this side, up with his pyjamas.

- You can use this. - Thanks.

- Watch out you don't swallow it. - Sadist you!

- Are you listening? - I'm trying to, shut up!

- Examining the lungs? - Yes.

Both, yes.

- It's shortness of breath. - I knew that before.

- Yes and how old is he? - 28 doctor.

- Blood pressure? - No pressure doctor, no pressure at all.

There he goes.

How long has he been getting these attacks?

Around 8 years, it began a month after we got married.

You might say i'm out of my mind only I think maybe it's an allergy to me.

Still, Dr Drufo's shots haven't improved his condition in the slightest.

Dr Drufo you say?

- Do you know each other? - Yes, vaguely.

- He's beautiful manners. - He's a total ass.

That's Drufo!

Now then, do you recall the kind of injections that he used to give?

It's sort of a fuschia colour.

- It was vitamin E. - It was vitamin E?

- Vitamin E, yes. - That's perfect, don't go away.

I love to give injections.

There we are, bottoms up.

- Ahh. - Vitamin E.

- Now be careful. - Sure I will.

I won't hurt you.

- Not too bad huh? - It's bloody marvellous!

Have you got the mutua?

Oh yes doctor but since we're not with you you should have your fee.

Nothing, nothing. Just stay calm, you'll feel a lot better.

Marianne, show the doctor the latest x-rays.

I'm quite sure they show a slight insufficiency on the right.

By the way, your injection was very good, I must get you one one day.

Now here we are, take a look at this doctor.

This is an x-ray of both of my lungs and I want you to look at the right one.

- Yes yes yes. - What yes yes? Not that.

What you're looking at marks the calcification of an old plural lesion...

What you should look at is the thickening of these bronchiols...

All the clinical tests indicate the same sort of abnormality analyses...

I'm pretty sure i've got a tubercular patch...

that is, an apical sulcus.

- Marianne. - Apical sulcus.

The problem is its expansion.

Look at what's going on inside me...

Lepresey, polio, lumbago, cancer, thrombosis...

- what was the name of that one from Timbuktu? - Drooping cough darling.

- It's obvious you're a doctor. - Did you hear? Ooooh!

He's not but he reads the...

encyclopaedia of medicine every night to help him sleep.

- Ah. - Ah huh.

Oh what a wonderful visit, the best consultation i've ever had.

I'm going to sleep like a log tonight.

You should be in the profession Pietro.

Yes, it's much more fun being a patient!

Goodnight.

What do I owe you doctor?

Nothing signora, it was a great pleasure.

But in case you're thinking about switching...

I have thought about it, getting Dr Drufo to come is such a bother.

That's nice to hear...

Let me give you my card right now, there's my name and office.

As for your husband, there's no real need for you to be worried...

His problem is he's a hyperchondriac, he doesn't want to get well.

And while the mutua is paying the bills he can afford to play ill.

Playing the nurse isn't much fun, I feel pretty bad myself.

It's fatigue, it's quite normal.

After a good sleep you feel...

I would if only I didn't have a pain... like a big big weight here.

See why I got his big weight?

I do, I see your point but this isn't quite the right...

Bring them by the office will you please.

Tersilli?

- Who is it? - The doctor signora, Dr Drufo.

Oh i'm sorry, you're too late, my husband's sleeping now.

Yes, I get you.

You think you can steal my clients do you?

How are you fink? You could kick the bucket any day.

Go ahead.

Fundamentally, rhythm disturbed by occasional...

extra systolic ventricular metamorphide. No coronary insufficiency indicated.

How disappointing.

- What did you say? - Er, nothing, just joking.

Professor go ahead, say it, i'm ready.

- You can tell me what's wrong. - You're alright.

- You can tell me truthfully. - Tersilli I wouldn't tell you a lie.

You've just got an overworked heart.

Well i'm not at all surprised.

No doubt about it, it's an extra systolic rhythm.

- What about starting therapy? - Maybe a bit of espartarina.

- Fine, hear what he said son? - Yes I heard, thank you professor.

- Don't you worry, you're in the best of hands. - Yes, the very best.

So your heart proved to be basically normal.

It's a simple case, but an alarm bell's an alarm bell.

- Yes professor. - Right where there'd be medals.

Dirty, fake, thief, liar...

'Pronto soccorso', yes it means 'First Aid'...

and I thought I was going to need it...

the first time the rest of the happy family caught me outside the hospital.

Drufo was the maddest, I guess he never forgave me for taking Pietro...

good for 3 night calls a week, not to mention his wife.

Mistico found my card dropping unethical...

while Zeccone about my use of politics.

Lampredi had nothing to contribute except vague threats.

Still, I was out for success not for popluarity with my colleagues...

that is, with my junior colleagues.

It was then I learned about Bui.

- Well doc, it could've been a lot worse. - I guess so.

Last year when old Dr Bui found out that...

Dr Mistico was fooling around with his mutuati he slapped him around.

Oh yeah, who is this Bui?

He was assistant to Bovolli in place of Dr Bilini.

He just had too many mutuati.

I always said to him you're working yourself to death.

"The best way of keeping fit", he always said to me.

- Why isn't he here now then? - Because I was right, he's dying.

Dr Bui is temporarily indisposed,

will all patients please see Dr Ernesto Piselli,

24 Via Anselmo Lucari, telephone 539611.

Good evening, i'm Dr Tersilli, i'd like to see Dr Bui.

Come in, i'll see if you can.

Here, let me have your coat.

- Make youself at home. - May I?

Thank you.

How do you do, i'm signora Bui?

Good evening signora Bui, i'm Dr Guido Tersilli.

I don't think we know each other do we doctor?

I've just arrived from San Servolo, an assistant to Prof Verdozi.

I've heard a lot about your husband and...

I thought it only right I wish the doctor a very speedy recovery.

- How nice, come in. - Thank you signora.

You know it's amazing actually...

each day at least one of you arrives to give solace.

- Please sit down. - Thank you.

- Is he any better? - Who, my husband?

I guess he's comfortable in his waiting, there's just no hope that's all.

- Who is his doctor? - Well shall we say about everyone of Dr Bui's colleagues.

They've been coming here regularly and once the top man visited.

- Amazing, and his diagnosis? - He confirmed what the others said.

It isn't a difficult case, they're seeing to it that death comes easy.

Amelia?

- That's my husband, would you like to...

I'd be delighted, with pleasure, yes.

- Amelia. - Here I am darling.

- Fix my injection will you. - Don't worry dear.

Can I do it?

- Who's here with you? - Dr Ter...

It's Dr Tersilli who's over at San Servolo.

He wishes you a quick recovery.

Oh my God, another vulture.

Amelia, I wish you'd keep them away from me...

let them have all my patients but let me die in peace.

Your colleagues are worried about you.

I find them revolting Amelia.

Waiting expectantly hour upon hour until i'm dead.

Don't talk nonsense, pray for your soul.

- Pray, it's the only way now. - Yes.

- Hail Mary, mother of grace - Hail mary.

The Lord is with the,

Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

Jesus, holy Mary, mother of God...

He would suffer a lot more, poor thing, if it weren't for you dear lady.

It is a burden, that's true, for such a man to be cut down like that...

but, after all, a woman learns to cope with things.

I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to know him before.

He didn't have much of a social life...

he'd telephone a colleague once in a month...

never belonged to a social club or anything.

His work was the only woman he paid tribute to...

he was completely true to her.

- He worked both day and night. - He won the trust of all his mutuati.

- You know how many he has? - No, i've no idea signora.

- I would've thought they'd have told you. - No.

He has about 2,300.

They're now under the care of Dr Piselli.

Yes I knew that, i'm a colleague of Dr Piselli.

Don't you find him strange? I do, I think he's most peculiar.

he's happy with private patients and his hospital pay...

he doesn't bother with mutuati.

- And you? - I what?

- You bother with mutuati? - Yes...

Because I love work, because I am a serious doctor.

- Do you have any now? - Well, only 40 at the moment...

You see I only qualified for the mutua this year signora.

It's hard to build a clientele isn't it?

It took Dr Bui 8 long years before he built up his mutuati.

Although in those days the competition wasn't so strong.

- Here. - Thank you.

I think that nowadays it's quite impossible to acquire mutuati.

Make like welfare patients with a tight hole don't they?

- It'll be a lucky doctor who inherits my husband's mutuati. - I'll say!

I guess they'll go to Zeccone and Drufo, won't they?

- And they've already got a lot. - Depends I think on me.

Don't forget doctor, we are married.

- Do you have children? - No.

Tell me about the outside world...

what's gone on out there since i've been locked up here.

Same old thing, you watch TV or go to a restaurant or the cinema or a ball game.

As a girl I was just wild about Mozart...

as a married woman I haven't had a chance to go to one concert.

I've oftent thought how marvellous it'd be to go to a live concert.

- You didn't have a chance? - I'd like to very much.

I'm a sucker for a symphony but...

possibilities to do something like that as a youth were few and far between.

My family was very poor you know.

But I must do it, the sooner the better.

A lovely dream but too late for me.

It's not too late signora, that's not true.

You're so youthful, like a May rose.

Alas, who knows when this jail term will end.

- I'm sorry, I don't want to appear... - I fully understand.

You shouldn't feel bad, your husband can't possibly recover now.

Just last Monday I thought he was finished but... he recovered.

Some illnesses fluctuate.

It's hopeless, I can assure you signora.

- You seem so understanding. - I want to be understanding.

- I have to go signora, may I call again? - To visit the doctor?

To visit you.

Call whenever you wish, it'd be my pleasure.

Your colleagues only come to see him.

Signora, don't say anything to my colleagues regarding this visit.

Why, didn't they send you over here?

The truth is, it was an impulse.

You're very sharp doctor, a very sharp man!

Thank you.

Tersilli you listen to me you bastard...

If you get ahold of Bui's old mutua and you've had it.

Bui's patients are no concern of yours.

Those mutuati are ours so just keep your hands to yourself.

Maybe they are, the fact remains i'm working here aswell.

Did to hear that?

What are you trying to do, convince everybody they're yours...

expect those patients to come running just like that?

We should've divided them up and forgot about it...

it was stupid of us to give them to Piselli.

Bui's alive, there's hope.

Of course he's alive but there isn't a chance in a million of recovery.

What difference does that make Drufo? As long as he's alive they're his.

Don't be silly, we couldn't have divided them up.

But someone else could've had them instead of that ignorant foolish Piselli.

You handed them to Piselli because you were afraid to trust anyone.

- You could've trusted me. - Is that so?

You may be trustworthy but medicine is one thing, murder is another.

- Bonjourno Prof. - Bonjourno Prof.

- Good morning professor. - Bonjourno.

My wife enjoyed that pretty bouquet...

thank you for thinking of us on our anniversary.

You were the only one.

Bootlicker!

I hear some of the doctors are planning a strike, I hope this isn't true.

It's demeaning to the medical profession, demeaning and unjust!

We're sorry Prof but what can we do about it?

Does it seem right that...

for a visit to an outpatient clinic a doctor recieves 326 lira?

That's what a haircut costs!

Some doctors have thousands of mutuati, others none...

- What's that got to do with it? - It has plenty to do with it.

There should be an established limit for mutuati.

What are you saying? A good doctor has patients.

That's what you're saying, isn't it?

But doctors who have too many mutuati reduce the profession to a farce.

You know who I mean. There are doctors seeing 100 patients every day.

How about you Mistico, haven't you ever wanted some?

Yes but within reason, I can't possibly treat 100 cases a day, nobody can.

My opinion is the competition's the basis of the profession.

We signed up for something in the way of socialised medicine...

all I know is it seems to work in some countries.

Great, and we'll all get paid the same wages like a bunch of civil servants.

Well what's wrong with that?

College professors aren't paid on the number of students.

Don't tell me a college professor's job is on the level with ours.

There isn't any comparison.

I would never have thought that the unrecalling of...

Hippocrates, Galen and Vesalius could be dragged down to this.

It's the welfare system that's the root of our unrest gentlemen,

it is the mutua, abolish the mutua and the medical profession is safe.

Well spoken professor but it's very hard to find paying patients...

- They've all just disappered. - Till the next epidemic.

Doctors continued agitating at the medico mutua today in Italy...

for increases in their medical fees.

The committee handling today's negotiations for...

the doctors proclaimed the beginning of a general strike tomorrow.

Doctors sympathetic to the mutua cause will put indirect assistance into action.

What is this indirect assistance?

Starting tomorrow mutuati must pay...

a basic 1,000 for a visit to the medical studio...

and 1,500 for visits at home.

The doctor must risk getting reimbursed by the mutua.

If they won't pay, if they find excuses for no payment...?

There's no possibility of losing mutuati, the doctors are united.

The committee provided sanctions and disciplinary action for...

doctors not respecting our strike.

I hope you're right with all my heart but i'm not sure of it.

I know about of doctors...

they'd be very prone to walk over their mother graves if...

they could screw a colleague.

Enjoy it while you can, you won't get many nights like this.

You'll be sorry when you have to work like a fool.

- I await the hour I can work like a fool. - Dr Bui was insatiable.

- And I would certainly be too. - And you're so very young and full of energy.

You know the life of a doctor's wife is hard for a woman.

I've already tried it.

Would you repeat it if you had another chance?

You think i'm crazy... I would adore it.

You know, with your experience you would make a marvellous wife for some doctor.

This time i've been thinking seriously about changing careers.

You can't be serious about quitting medicine?

- I might find commerce good. - Well I can't imagine that.

Yes I know, it is a step down in the social ladder...

that's why i'm so uncertain about my future.

It's difficult to explain it right now.

Pity though, your patient roster of mutuati is a very enviable one...

- They'll disperse to... - You'll get some, i'm sure of that.

- No, not very likely. - Why not?

Because they decided that I had no right to any of them.

- That's my decision! - Brava!

- Don't I figure at all? - Yes, but give up medicine and you won't anymore.

I haven't said yet that i'll give up medicine.

You must excuse me, I just can see you as a businesswoman...

that's all, no matter how hard it is.

Please doctor, there's no need to tell me that.

I've been repeating to myself for months now.

But let's face it, if he had plenty of sick patients and pumped them dry...

he wouldn't be able to find the time to see that his wife isn't neglected.

Well that's reasonable logic.

Remember though, i'm not sweet sixteen anymore...

I want to have a ball before it's too late to play again.

- Amelia, your playground'll last years. - I'm without illusions Guido.

- Amelia... - Yes doctor?

I'm falling in love with you darling.

You know i'm not a young girl anymore Guido.

So what if you're not?!

I bet you haven't changed a bit since you were a little girl.

I haven't, I was only a wee bit thinner.

- I must have you. - Not now Guido, we'd better not.

- Now I must think. - Think of the mutuati, it's big capital you know.

Amelia?

- He's awake. - Don't pay any attention.

Amelia?

- He might hear us. - No dear, calm down, you know he can't move.

Amelia, what are you doing?!

- He asked what are you doing? - No, he asked where are you?

- It's better you go. - Yes and don't you move an inch.

I'll be back in a sec.

Had to have another injection, don't know where to give it anymore.

- We've simply got to get the mutuati back from Piselli. - Yes.

I want you to substitute for my husband before he goes...

otherwise everything's lost.

Amelia, how are you going to convince your husband to nominate me?

Don't worry, he'll do whatever I ask.

- And besides... you're the best. - D'you think?!

- Do you love me Guido? - You know I do.

- There are too many of these mutuati. - Don't worry darling.

- I wouldn't want you to neglect me. - How could you even think it?

Of course with 2,300 mutuati you can make a lot hey?

Especially with the strike, you might even get a raise in pay.

You mean an average of 1 million 2 or even more, 1 million 5 a month.

Mamma, a beautiful sum but Amelia's kinda ugly.

You might not have to marry her.

I'm sure she thinks of nothing else in the world.

Forget what she thinks...

just so she convinces her husband to nominate you in place of Piselli.

- And Teresa, what about her? - What's she got to do with it?

- I've a feeling she suspects. - I won't even answer you!

You never give me answers.

I hope it works.

- Good night Mamma. - Good night son.

Good morning.

Ah it's you Teresa.

Ah now, no one.

Yes but I don't think so.

Look, either everyone's enjoying good health all of a sudden...

or we at the mutua invented all their complaints.

What can I say? Let's hope for the best.

What's that?

I've no idea what i'm doing tonight, Teresa my dear, have a little patience.

Yes of course i'll see you but I don't know when.

Sorry Teresa there's someone at the door, I have to go now, ciao.

Oh it's you, yeah so?

The pharmacies are all deserted.

I checked out the dispensary at Dr Cifiello's...

- No mutuati, only paying patients. - Who says they're paying?

That Cifiello? What if it's a scam?

I spoke to the porters at Dr Silvestri and Dr Alvenzi's...

Not one mutuati to be seen.

- May I go doctor? - Go where?

As there ain't no friggin' work...

that's our father's expression, what's keeping me here?

What else did your pa say?

He says if you have to give money to a medico della mutua...

then it's better to pay a higher price to a real legitimate physician.

Ah, and you wouldn't consider me a legitimate physician?

No, I only told you what my father said.

- I'm glad, alright, go home to papa. - Ciao.

Good morning.

Ah, it's you darling.

No dear, no one.

Well what can I say?

It seems, in one day, we doctors have become useless.

I've had nothign but phonecalls from my colleagues, complaints that wouldn't stop.

Did you speak to your husband?

Amelia, I don't mean to insist but...

what if your husband turns you down?

No no darling, I know you're mad about me, though you must understand...

with your husband's condition we can hope he'll soon...

No, not just because of me.

You must know how I suffer for you, prisoner in that house...

emptying bedpans when you should be out, living the way you really deserve.

Look my love,

try to convince him to sign a letter right away or it could be too late.

Hey?

Tonight?

I don't know if I can Amelia.

I get so nervous, so exhausted.

Alright my darling, I couldn't refuse you anything.

You're a naughty little girl, alright tonight.

Yes, ciao.

Everyone healthy as an ox eh? Damn your hides!

All the pain's gone, like that. Everything works right?

Sure, now that you have to pay.

Virginia, Virginia? Oh yeah, the idiot went home to papa.

Legitimate physician!

I saw you hesitate downstairs, what was the matter, timid, afraid?

- Not a chance. - Step right in.

You're very lucky you know, we've all the time we need because of the strike.

- You with the mutua? - No.

Let's hear about it, what seems to be wrong?

You know, there are lots of things, wrong doc...

- May I smoke? - By all means.

- May I offer you one of these? - Yeah, thanks.

Although as a good doctor I shouldn't.

Do you really think it's harmful to smoke.

I think so yes, there's a lot that's harmful you know, even life is harmful.

You know it too huh?

- Well then, shall we begin? - Sure.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh! It didn't take long for you to get stretched out did it?

- I was just getting comfortable. - Well that's what it was made for.

It'd be better if you took off your brassiere aswell.

- I'll take off everything. - Brava!

That's good, like that.

Lie on your back beautiful.

Will this visit be a complete one doc?

- We'd better make the first one complete no? - I guess so.

- Any pain right here? - No.

- You feel pain? - No.

- You feel pain here? - No.

- Now say 69. - 34. - And 35.

You must be joking, you're in very good shape.

About the only thing I got is health.

I wish I could dream though but I don't seem to be able to fall asleep.

We'll get you something to make you sleep...

it would be a crime if a girl like you couldn't sleep.

I hope you're not frustrated, it'd be a pity.

Now then, I think a prescription would be in order.

I'll prescribe some sleeping pills, alright?

With these pills, whenever you want to sleep, take one.

You may take two if you like because they're not very strong.

This product's innocuous but efficient my dear.

There.

Begin immediately, it'll fix you right up.

- There you are. - Thanks.

Is that all?

- That'll be 3,000. - 3,000?!

The visit you see.

What the hell do you take me for?

I know you got your strike troubles but give me at least 10,000.

No matter how long the day the night must follow...

and so it was with our strike, it was over suddenly.

And naturally with all our strikes we asked for 100 and got 50.

Italians everywhere were again stricken by illnesses, diseases and complaints...

and returned in droves to crowded dispensaries and pharmacies.

I took up my work without a moment's rest...

but my mind was focused only on one object.

Finally, one night...

Amelia's spoken very well of you my dear friend.

I've named you my substitute in place of Piselli.

Thank you dear colleague!

The letter for the mutua is in Amelia's hands...

she wrote it and I added my signature.

� propos Amelia, forget about her, it's a little ridiculous.

You lost me doctor, what are you getting at?

You're very young, in medicine you must try to keep up appearances...

and that counts more, much more, than curing the sick.

What kind of doctors are there today? Certainly not what there used to be.

Why not let Amelia go off with Simeone.

- Who's this Simeone? - Her lover.

A beautiful fellow, he's a merchant...

you should pity her, what else does she have?

If you're going to be a serious doctor...

you've got to provide your wife with a lover, it's only fair.

But I don't think you should marry Amelia...

imagine the comments of your colleagues.

They'll say you married her purely for my mutuati.

Tell me you'll forget her, you don't want to marry her do you?

No, i'll never do it, I assure you.

That's good, you're motive was to have my mutuati.

Upon news of my death, they've got to find themselves a new physician.

Of course they can choose whoever they want...

but people are exactly like a bunch of sheep...

they'll choose you alright because you're my substitute.

- Bye. - Grazie, Carlo.

Come on boy, that's unhygeinic.

Go and deal with your colleagues at the hospital, I have to pray.

Pray do colleague.

From the first day of the month Dr Bui's mutuati are...

notified to refer in the future to Dr Tersilli at his medical dispensary.

- Which dispensary, mine? - No, it's better you reopen my husband's.

Your husband's eh? Dr Piselli receives in his.

- You don't have faith? - My dear, it's less complicated and nearer.

The dispensary's a few steps across the hall...

when we get married we'll be living here, don't you agree?

And my dispensary, what'll we do with it?

I'd say forget about it, close it.

Close it, certainly not.

Reopen her husband's dispensary and...

the position of that will be made even more powerful.

You have difficulty enough grabbing the mutuati from under her nose.

The truth is I can't split the work between the dispensaries.

But remember with mine and Bui's there's 2,500 mutuati.

Ah but we mustn't let that little hussy get away with anything.

No proper lady would ever behave the way she has carried on.

And her husband ont he verge of dying, what kind of a woman is she?

The hospital I can forget about Mamma, i'll mail a letter explaining that.

Prime reason is I can't spare a minute of time...

and secondly, I can't possibly work among those who are envious of my success.

Imagine Mamma, they've written in the toilet with the blood of a patient...

Tersilli is a pig!

Forget about it. It's important what you are not what they write in toilets.

So I transferred my studio, temporarily of course, to Bui's.

For the moment there was nothing else to do.

My beloved colleague was, after all, still breathing.

And Amelia was still mistress of my fate.

Oh, one more thing.

- Do you have someone at home who can give you the injection? - No.

Alright, you come here, i'll give them to you every other day...

- That was I can check up on you. - Thank you doctor.

- Next. - Your turn.

Am I happy they switched doctors, the physical he gave me was marvellous.

You wouldn't believe the physical he gave me, nobody would.

Yes, his work is thorough.

- You're a bartender? - Yes, I opened a bar down the street.

So long.

Hello, it's Paula, visits are taking 16 minutes signora.

Look at it like a map.

Now at this point we have an indication of a small hill of fatness...

and that hill on you is right here.

That's where the trouble lies, think of yourself as a dirigible.

See, this is filled with air, you're like a huge windsock.

- How's that? - What you do is swallow air...

Your stomach starts to dilate putting pressure on the other organs...

all of which causes an irregular heartbeat...

palpitations, anginoidal heartaches...

and above all belching, you do belch a lot don't you?

Yeah, from both ends!

No, that's a totally different air, it forms in your intestines.

It's easy as pie to eliminate.

Yes I know but I run a store, when it begins I can't ever hold it back.

We'll make it stay beck, we'll elminiate it with anti-fermentatives.

You'll see it'll make you feel 100 times better.

Now, i'll make you out a prescription for the whole cure.

When you're done you'll come back to me and i'll take some more x-rays.

Doctor, you must be the best, I feel so satisfied now.

But that old boob who treated me before, you know the sort...

some medicine man who, when you got there, always said "What's wrong?"

How the hell do I know? You're a doctor, you tell me.

That's right. I'm here now though so there's nothing to worry about.

Whatever you need to have done you'll have done.

I'll make a new girl of you, give you a whole new silhouette.

Yes.

- Pardon me Dr Tersilli, may I have a word? - Yes.

What is it Amelia?

A moment ago the nurse called me, she's preoccupied.

- Why? - Every visit is much too long.

You've got over 2,500 mutuati, you're averaging 16 minutes a visit.

You've got to lower to about 10, my husband was averaging 8...

And in the hot season when they don't wear much only 6.

You're right Amelia, thank you signorina, i'll follow your advice.

Bitch!

Here we are, here's your instructions and your aid book.

Now then before you go pass this to reception.

If you have any trouble check with us.

- Thanks doctor, and for the other air? - Save it for the outside.

- You may go in. - Thanks.

Yes come in.

Well, what are you doing here?

I've just come for a visit doctor, i'm one of your mutuati, did you forget?

Teresa, you must listen...

Obviously i'm deluged with work and besides...

my life is upside-down, not a moment of rest.

I've no intention of hindering your work Guido...

I only had the urge to see how posh your setup is.

I know we'll see one another when you have time, it's worth the effort.

And what is worth the effort?

You earn a lot of money, the quicker we can be married.

Married? It's important marriage.

Teresa, you've sacrificed so much I don't want you to sacrifice any longer.

Besides, nothing is sure.

Go on if you can.

I don't know how to explain, Teresa I beg you to understand.

I suspected it would come to this.

Just a moment.

You and I were always a very happy couple but now our desires are different.

I guess i'm not high-class enough!

Teresa, i'm only asking for my liberty.

- Excuse me please. - Yes.

- I'm sorry doctor but I think you ought to... - Teresa, get out of here.

You're a weakling Guido, nothing but a dirty weakling.

- Insult me if it make you feel better. - Filthy coward, you and your mother.

Teresa, I won't allow you to vilify mother, you hear?!

You're freaks, the two of you. You can just go to hell!

Who was she?

- Who was who? - That girl.

Who could she be? She's just a...

I hope she doesn't return here and create scenes in front of everyone.

No, certainly not, she has too much sense. Sugar.

You always find types like that in girls of poor breeding.

Four dear.

Thank you.

- Want a cookie? - They look scrumptious.

I'm a glutton.

Mamma brought her home to assist in the housework and...

somehow she got it into her head that she and I would marry, that's it.

I knew it.

- Signora here are Drs Filopanti and Dinardi. - Cara signora

Dr Dinardi and Dr Filopanti, both friends of my husband.

Dr Tersilli is substituting for Dr Piselli.

About time doctor wouldn't you say?!

- Would you like a smoke? - No, i'm trying to quit.

I don't know what rapport you have with doctor Piselli but...

permit me to say to you in all frankness...

he's a borish fellow, he never sent me any clients.

Who are they?

Dr Filopanti is a radiologist and Dr Dinardi is an otorhinolaryngologist.

That's very very good.

8 years of specialisation and our equipment is first class.

We're equipped for therapy of any kind, Marconi radar...

Published and illustrated in the 'Physician's Magazine'.

Impressive.

I have my studio in the same building as my friend Filopanti and...

I operate a clinic in the villa Fiorita.

It's one of the best in Rome.

If you would only visit you'd see how luxurious, how plush it is.

After all Dr Bui knows us, we worked together for years.

- Yes but I don't understand... - We mean if you haven't already...

come to an accord with any other specialists, we're your boys.

A proper accord now but Bietti e Forcella have already made us a proposition.

But they're just a couple of quacks, not good for anything.

- No?! - They're medical gangsters!

Guido, as straight operators...

we propose maintaining the same conditions we had with Bui.

- And they are? - We'll give you 25% for every client you turn over to us.

- 30 doctor! - That's my girl!

I assure you 25% is the most we can manage.

you have no idea the expenses we specialists have.

We are continually installing new and costly equipment.

We could manage to go to 30% on patients who are not with the mutua.

I see, but I have no patients like that.

As for the patients of Dr Bui, they're all mutuati.

You have no idea.

Your mutuati can be made to believe they need x-rays of a specific nature.

Serious analyses you cannot give them.

To get these they must dip into their own pockets to pay specialists like us.

It's as easy as falling off a log.

On electrocardiograms alone the payoff is 50%.

You could bring me a lot of those by...

simply pronouncing the words "heart attack" emphatically.

I know of one way you can break in, it's when you treat babies.

You just tell the guardian the baby must have it's tonsils out...

it's adenoids done because of rheumatism...

nephritis, retarded development et cetera, you know the pitch.

Explain that it's not the sort of work for a medico della mutua...

but really for a respected specialist in a clean, private clinic.

My husband was always most convincing in these cases.

hHoperation is a minor one...

and you have it only once a lifetime.

And when dealing with children any sacrifice is sacred.

- Chin chin. - Chin Chin.

So now you've got to marry the witch of course.

You've got a stomach made of iron.

She propositioned me too but i'm no prostitute.

Do you have Simeone's permission?

When I take over as head of the mutua you watch out!

You have our sympathy.

Sorry, we really must go, it's a long way out for me tomorrow.

He wanted it this way you know, to go back to the family estate.

Amelia.

What is it dear?

I'm going now, might settle everything within a week, 10 days at most.

Don't worry about it, stay for a while, i'll be here.

- I'll be thinking of you every minute. - And I too.

Chin up, bye.

I said the first moment he stepped into the hospital...

that pig Tersilli has those awful beady eyes.

You have it admit i'm right.

Opportunist hypocrite, that larcenous rat would sell...

his mother and father straight into slavery to get something he wanted.

- Were there a lot of mutuati with Dr Bui? - More than 2,300.

He's a sharp man this Tersilli, the sort of man who'll make it.

Well, how did the funeral go?

- Mamma, what are you doing? - Read.

- Why? - Why don't you just read it.

Dear mutuati, following the wishes of the late Dr Bui...

we beg you to communicate your choice of my name to the mutua...

to expedite your future medical service.

The address of my studio is 132 Via Cesare Fani.

My sincerest thanks, yours, Dr Guido Tersilli.

- Via Cesare Fani, what... - That's where your new office is.

I've had it rented for more than a month, complete modern decor.

Three large waiting rooms, dispensary and studio.

I've also rented the apartment upstairs from it.

A magnificent apartment, wait till you see.

I couldn't possibly carry on in this small shack.

I must say Mamma, you're great! You've put stamps on even.

Why certainly, your mutuati should be informed of their new service ASAP.

I can just see Amelia's face when...

She'd better learn to behave herself, more like a proper grieving widow.

And you need a better car for your practice.

A fine red convertible so that everyone will notice.

I wanna make them green, those envoius colleagues of mine.

- We made lots of sacrifices but now it's paid off eh? - Yes Mamma.

- How long will Amelia be away? - She said about 10 days.

She left with the corpse and Simeone.

- And the glasses? - What glasses?

But mamma made arrangements for the glasses.

- The doctor said they won't be necessary. - Ah, am I happy!

- Excuse me sir. - Next please.

- Complaint? - Colic of the liver.

Take off your jacket, lie down over there...

unbutton you shirt, pull it up.

- What is it? - Liver colic.

- Who are you? - Leccone.

- Do you take any medicine? - Yes, Eparema.

Any better now?

Good, then repeat the cure twice a day and no more wine!

- Ciao my son. - There he goes, my healer.

- Who is it? - Prof Tucci.

Ah professor of violins, the violinist, how are things, lyrics recovering?

- The lyrics are good but not I. - Asthma bronchitis.

Let's hear it, cough.

Stop... now cough... stop...

Now breath heavily... stop.

Now don't breathe.

- You're doing the injection? - One day yes, one day no.

In this season, plenty of sun, theraputic sun.

And for this little tickle on my throat?

- Shave off the beard. - The beard, what's that got to do with it?!

- Who is it? - Corsetti, arthritis of the lower spine.

Where'd you do the x-rays?

At Dr Filopanti's, it was you who sent me there.

Sure, the ones you had showed us nothing.

First, fourth, fifth vertebrae absolutely clear.

At this price, at least clear!

- Bend over. - Traumatology, they'll give you a brace.

A brace, how am I supposed to work?

- What sort of work? - Rubber stamp office, postal department.

Stand up and work!

- What's wrong? - Throat.

Alright, let's have a look, say aaahhh...

- A bright red, do you smoke? - Yes, it's madness.

I argue with my husband morning till night, he smokes a lot.

- That's the root of it all, you wanna get well? - Yes.

- Don't argue with your husband. - What do I do?

- Go buy him a pack of cigarettes. - And the gargling?

Your husband should take care of that, ciao.

- Now then? - Hearing.

Doc, I think i've got a bit of wax in here, I can't hear.

Let's examine it.

A bit of wax like Madame Tussauds! You can't hear at all.

Doctor, that ear can can hear, it's this ear here.

Are you sure? Let's have a look.

A Florida swamp, wash.

- Wash? - Yes, with soap.

- Next. - Prescription.

- What for? - 20g of Trisodium citrate.

- What for? - I have to preserve some tomatoes.

Why not?! Give it to her, but make sure I get some tomatoes.

- Next... petient. - The signorini here doesn't belong to the mutua.

Bonjourno, so you're not a member eh?

Why don't you take a coffee break... please.

Now then, since you'll be paying cash you get to have a...

rather special, much more personal type of visit, a much closer examination.

That's nice, i've noticed your mutuati are somewhat unspecial.

You've noticed that have you? Do you know how many mutuati I have?

- Yes I do, 2,600. - No, 2,689.

And how in the world do I take care of all of them?

Right now i'm averaging one every 8 minutes but I still have to cut down.

And the truth of it is they're much less interested in the visit...

than they are getting their hands on the medicine.

They just wanna go to the pharmacy becuase it's free and...

get their carloads of ointments, suppositories, vials and pills.

And maybe one in a million of them takes them.

The mutua has whole cartons...

it's closets are packed with drugs with the seals still on them.

Now I see why Lampredi swears it's a racket...

but then when he gets into the mutua...

he's going to, quote, "Be a ruthless wheeler-dealer".

Yeah, that sounds like Lampredi... I mean good for Lampredi.

- Why do you call him Lampredi though? - That's what his name is.

Ah, it's only I would've thought that his fianc�e...

Right now i'm no one's fianc�e!

It's finished huh?

Yes, we broke off as bosom buddies.

He hates me and I thoroughly despise him.

Anyone without ambition has already failed I think.

In his opinion I was just a rich little girl and spoilt at that.

- And are you a spolit little girl? - Um, yeah.

- And...? - Rich.

Rich, interesting.

What's papa's line of work?

I thought you already knew, he's a builder.

- I didn't know. - All of this was built by daddy, this whole group of buildings.

Yeah, how do you like that, quite a man your papa.

Well are you here to pick up the rent?

If you wanna pay although i'm here to see the penthouse actually.

Papa gave me the whole floor you see so...

Penthouse eh?

In passing I saw your sign and, being curious, I walked in.

- You don't mind? - Of course not.

- I am going to get in. - Hey what's that?

I don't know, could be anyone the way things happen around here.

Excuse me, I think I have a pretty good idea.

Who is it?

The signora doesn't have the mutua and she won't say what the matter is.

I know what's wrong, take a coffee break nurse.

Amelia.

Stop it! How dare you assault a medico della mutua.

Amelia, you don't know how heartbroken I was to have to let you down.

I made you, I made you, I bought you!

Wiat, you have it all wrong...

Your husband, bless his soul, said to me "Swear you won't marry Amelia".

What could I do? I swore.

Leave me alone. What are you doing fighting me?

You bitch! I'll be back for you.

No, Amelia!

- There you are. - Mamma.

You can't go on like this, after all, you're not the doctor, he is.

Don't you see it's only natural he should get the mutuati?

Yes, but I simply refuse to take such an underhand approach.

But now that it's all out I feel much better.

And since I happen to want to feel better too...

there's one thing i've always wanted to say to you... whore!

- Mamma! - Name calling is good for the soul!

- But what a thing to say. - Yeah, you've got a tough old mamma.

Yeah but you're a mamma.

Excuse me mamma, i've got a patient in there.

Hello, i'm back

- Did you hear? - Uh huh.

- And of course you saw? - Yep.

Yeah, stubborn case however I provided a cure that should prove quite effective.

And what's that?

Matrimony for a widow with a fine old lover who loves her.

- You think she'll get well again? - I know she will.

You're a marvellous doctor.

I don't know that i'm marvellous, I only know that i'm a doctor...

- Know what i'm trying to say? - I think so.

I think I was actually born a doctor...

I remember as a kid years ago I would play every minute at it.

As a little girl I remember I used to love to play at being patient.

- Want to play a little? - No.

- We're big people now, and really i'm in the best of health. - Really?

Are you sure you don't need to be looked over a little... Anna-Maria?

- Well, you remembered my name. - I remember everything.

Well then I wonder if it isn't my parents you'd better look over.

- You think so. - I think so.

I think so.

- Dr Tersilli. - Who are you?

- His wife. - Second floor and to the right.

Anna-Maria, what on earth are you doing here?

Why did you come back? How did you find out?

I'm not here for a battle, just tell me where he is.

If you'd called I could've saved you the bother.

The professor has expressly forbidden anyone to go in.

Listen mother-in-law, tell me where he is or i'll wake the whole hospital.

He's in that room right down there.

The professor days he has to have total quiet though...

he's had a complete collapse from overwork.

Surely not because of me mother-in-law?

- Is this a very long thing? - Is what thing very long?

This whole, what do you call it, illness?

It depends, unless he has a relapse or...

something worse even from getting too excited...

he'll be allowed to go home within the next 2 or 3 days.

And in a couple of weeks he'll be able to start up again.

Of course it's understood he'll have to stop trying so hard for some people.

The way you talk you make it sound as if...

I'm the cause of your son's collapse and of his way of living.

In fact the culprit was you, you all the way.

Pushing him, as if you wanted Guido to be the only doctor in the world.

Answering you isn't worth the bother because...

after everything's said and done, here you come charging in...

without asking once, just once, "How is he? What happened to him?"

You're heartless, i've always said it and now i'm positive.

You're completely cold!

They always detested each other right from the first day they tangled.

Now though they really hate each other's guts.

I think my mother wishes i'd married Teresa instead.

Or even... cringe... Amelia.

Anna-Maria's been a good wife.

Let's be clear, a good wife the way we think of good wives today.

But me, have I been a good husband?

Anna-Maria! You mean you've been waiting?

- Yeah, do you mind? - Amore!

- Are you tired? - Tired?! I'll be ready in two seconds.

Hi!

Anna-Maria!

Hello.

Ok, yes Signora Polloni.

One of my special patients, she's overweight.

I hope you're alright.

No signora, you shouldn't be like that, I expect you to call me up anytime.

Yes.

- You've been overeating? How about your elimination? - Oh my god!

No? You'd better try suppositories.

Too bad but that's the way it was.

After one year of marriage I had 2,823 mutuati and how can you expect a...

hard-working doctor with 2,823 mutuati to be a hard-working husband too?

you figure that the average Italian mutuato...

pays 7 or 8 visits to his doctor every year.

That comes to 21,000 appointments. Divide 21,000 by 281 days...

that is leaving out Sundays, holidays and a vacation...

that comes to an average of 75 appointments a day...

of which 70 are office appointments and 5 are house calls.

Now figuring on 10 minutes for each consultation...

that comes to 13 or 14 work hours every day.

I managed to get the average visit down to 7 minutes...

I cut house calls down to only the most urgent cases...

but in the meantime the number of my mutuati patients increased.

I got down to 5 minutes per visit but by then I had 3,114 patients...

and at 3,115...

Who's there?

Bonjourno.

Bonjourno signora, i'm so happy to see you.

Signora Tersilli, I brought my colleagues to pay their respects.

I haven't had a good night's sleep for a week...

what mother could sleep with her son in a hospital?

You poor thing, you must be scared.

The human body has to pay for the sacrifices it makes.

- ...brought on by overwork... - ...24 hours a day, 7 days a week...

Sister Pasqualina, what was his injection last night?

- 20cc of chinidina. - Well, I don't know, how about another 20?

It's not important sister, make it 20.

In this case bed rest is the most important thing.

Tomorrow morning i'll have a look at him.

Don't worry ladies, Dr Tersilli will get the best care as long as he wants.

We know Prof, you've been so good but i've been meaning to ask you...

what's happening to my son's clinic and 3,000 mutuati?

No wonder he had a breakdown with as many as that.

That many?! Incredible isn't it?

Signora, may I make a suggestion? I'd be glad to help you out.

We all could help you at the clinic taking turns.

- It'd be a pleasure. - Or perhaps signora...

while Guido's getting back to health...

it's best to divide the mutuati between his friends.

Friends my bedsore covered arse!

- Goodbye. - Goodbye

You know what? I'm getting out of here.

Hypocritical bastards!

"While Guido gets his health back...

it's best to divide the mutuati among his friends."

Well Guido's got his health back you... brothers.

I'm going back to the clinic.

- Glad you're better doctor. - Yes i'm much better, thanks.

- The taxi's here doctor. - Right on the ball as usual.

Hold it fella, there's no parking in that area.

- What about these? - They belong to the medical staff of the hospital.

Well then i'm parked in the right place.

- You're on the staff? Since when? - Since this morning, ok?

Sure, go right in.

Assistant volunteer at San Servolo, the first step in his career.

These young fellows don't know what a career is.

He's taken a position with the hospital just to collect mutuati.

Things were different in my time, we had a code of ethics.

Thanks you, thank you doctor you tight...

Ettore Cardoni.

- What's the matter? - It's rheumatism.

Ettore Cardoni, he thinks he has rheumatism.

- Aspirin, next patient nurse. - Right doctor.

- Yes doctor, is the pain here? - No.

- No doctor. - Probe a little bit lower.

- How about here? - Cut that out!

- Be good! - That isn't a punchbag down there cutie.

Don't be so aggressove nurse, try to take it easy.

Probe gently with your fingers, don't jab with the telephone...

don't hit below the belt, he's a man. Now listen...

for his medicine, a new product just advertised in the medical journal.

Never heard of it but i'm curious about it's effects.

Turbonol, yes.

No, they're suppositories.

Two at night and maybe three in the day.

I'll write out and send down a prescription.

Hello.

Oh yes Signora Polloni, I hope you're alright.

No signora, you shouldn't be like that...