Original subtitles

- What's going on? - Nothing.

Ooh, "nothing" means the best kind of something.

- Let me see. - No.

- You... - Ow!

(Gasps) Will's online dating profile?

Thank you, Santa.

A lot of people are doing it.

Yeah, a lot of losers.

Oh, cut him some slack.

He's had a hard time meeting women since the divorce.

And who says my dream woman

isn't waiting for me on the Internet?

And who says she won't turn out to be

a 50-year-old guy from Encino?

Hi, Will. You like the picture of me

in the pretty sundress?

(Deep voice): Well, surprise, here are my balls.

C17

This book that mommy's making you

is gonna get you into the best preschool ever.

Aw. Charlie, here you are at the park.

And here you are eating ice cream.

And here you are playing first cello

with the L.A. symphony orchestra.

- Thank you, Photoshop. - Wow, honey.

Applying to preschool's really brought out

the crazy-ass crazy in you.

Okay, Crestlake kids get into the best elementary schools,

and then the best high schools,

and then, of course, the best colleges.

Charlie, this book is just gonna make the other toddlers

look like a bunch of d-bags.

Come on, big boy.

Let's go put the best diaper on that best butt.

Here we go.

Guys, something terrible happened.

My assistant's mother died.

That is terrible.

I know. She's taking the whole week off.

Well, if you need an assistant, I can do it.

I don't have any auditions this week,

and I could really use the money.

Oh, yeah, it's just that I need someone who's efficient,

discreet, detail-oriented.

Sounds like you don't think I can do it.

Oh, good, then I'm being clear.

See, here's the thing.

Working for Kate can be very... difficult.

I'm sorry, honey, I just really need someone who's professional.

Oh, you still blame me for the delta pi spring formal.

You beg to be my co-chair, and I let you.

But you screwed up the booze order,

and we ran out of drinks by 9:00.

I had to have sex with a freshman...

(Whispers): Sober.

Okay, that was ten years ago.

Please just give me a chance.

(Sighs) All right, fine.

Plus, I can get you cheaper than a real person,

so let's give it a shot.

(High-pitched): I'm gonna be the best assistant ever.

Don't use that voice at work.

- Hi, Lowell. - Hey.

Hi. Can we have two coffees to go, please?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're kind of in a hurry

to get to this preschool interview.

Aw, our Charlie's going to preschool.

Oh, if we get in.

I just, I can't believe that you wore jeans.

Why didn't you wear what I laid out for you?

- 'Cause I'm not three. - Okay, let's go over it

- one more time. - We don't need to go over it

- one more time. - Okay, you say that,

but then you get in the room,

you get nervous, and you just fall apart.

So, remember.

Don't over-nod.

Mm-hmm. Don't keep saying "awesome."

I will try to contain my awesomes.

And don't answer a question with a question.

We clear?

Why don't you just shove your hand up my ass

and operate my mouth?

Question with a question.

And, yes, if that were an option, we'd already be there.

Look at the parents in this brochure.

Okay? Gay, lesbian, Indian, handicapped.

Handicapped and Indian... lucky.

(Sighs)

We are so ordinary, we don't have a prayer.

Why do we have to be so Caucasian?

Andi, will you stop worrying?

She's gonna love us, she's gonna love the album you made.

Oh, my god, the album.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

I left the album at namaste.

We've got nothing.

No, we're good people. (Scoffs)

We love our son.

We have nothing.

Good morning, I'm Frances Bowmont.

Shall we?

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Bowmont-shall we.

- (Laughs) - (Chuckles)

He's being funny.

Don't be funny.

Please, follow me, and let's find out

if you and Crestlake are a good fit.

Okay, I guess it's do-or-die time.

Now or never.

All comes down to this.

(Whimpers softly)

Come on, let's go.

Well, then.

How are we today?

- Good, good. - Yeah.

So good, we're really, we're just so good.

And, um...

Plus, also, I might add, uh, lovers of education.

And Charlie, too, he loves it.

He loves math and science and the, uh,

the-the English and... All the other ones.

All the educations. (Chuckles)

Are you okay?

Me? (Laughs nervously)

I'm awesome.

(Laughs)

Good morning, Ms. Pearce.

Hey, Jules, would you like a muffin?

Oh, no, I'm good, actually.

Don't like to eat on the job.

That was a friendship offer,

and you gave me a business response.

- Excellent. - Oh.

That's not a real muffin, anyway.

It's a scented candle.

Now as you know,

I manage the online presence of celebrities,

so you can't freak out if, say, Beyonc? calls.

I would say, "Hello, Mrs. Carter."

Inside, I'd be doing my happy dance, but she would never know.

Excellent.

Uh, now, I need you to get Andi a gift

to thank her for recommending a birthing class

to one of Justin Bieber's people.

So, just pick out something she'll like.

Are you sure you trust me to do this?

I mean, you're a legendary gift giver.

There's no way I can compete with that.

I know, I'm just really busy.

Last night, Rihanna assaulted a stewardess

with an airsickness bag.

So, I'm just really stressed out.

Light my muffin.

That is when we realized that Charlie

had some deep insights into life.

So, he's two?

He's whatever age you want him to be.

Well, I think I've heard enough.

(Loud, echoing boom)

Oh, g'day, g'day.

Sorry I didn't get here sooner.

I got the brief history of our Charlie.

This place is great.

All the green space, the sustainable playground,

the solar panels.

And that garden?

I just love the idea of Charlie running around here,

growing his own snacks.

Sustainability's very important to us here.

Oh, and good on you.

Bringing it home for our Charlie.

You know, I'm a little confused.

Why do you keep referring to their son as "our Charlie"?

Because he's the dad. (Chuckles)

Say again?

I thought Dr. McAllister was the dad.

(Chuckles): Well... Uh, he is, he is.

- Of course I'm... - He and Lowell.

They're gay.

They're-they're...

They're, uh, they're-they're...

They're gay dads. Two gay dads.

(Laughs) And I'm the, uh, the-the...

The surrogate.

Got another one in the oven 'cause I just...

Love me some gay, gay dads.

Two dads,

and a highly involved surrogate mother.

Mm-hmm.

We don't have one of those.

I'm back! Where have you been?

The phone's been blowing up.

Oh, I've been searching like crazy for Andi's gift.

I-I broke a nail, I broke a heel,

but I finally found the perfect silver... Jules,

I don't have time for this. Just handle it like an adult.

(Phone ringing)

Kate Pearce's office.

Will: Jules, it's Will.

Put Kate on.

Hold a moment.

It's a Dr. William Stokes on the line.

Okay, here's a list of three things.

Do them all first.

On it.

You have 30 seconds. Go.

Hey, remember how you said that online dating

was just for losers?

Well, this loser is getting a ton of winks

from some very attractive women.

Russian brides?

Lady hobbits?

The incontinent?

Joke all you want, but I find it ironic that you mock me,

and yet I am crushing it, while you are all alone.

I have plenty of dates, Will.

No, you have plenty of sex

with questionable men.

I don't need to go online to meet eligible men.

I get it. You're afraid you won't get any winks.

Please, I would get a ton of winks.

Really? I think you'd be winkless.

I would out-wink you ten to one.

I doubt it.

I'm Abraham Winkin.

I'm Rip Van Winkle.

I'm the Wink Panther.

Oh, I am a delight.

Winkless.

(Sighs)

All right, eHarmony, I will give you a shot.

Five words to describe me.

Strong, powerful,

driven, relentless...

fun.

Bobby, please, can we just let it go?

Oh, yeah, you're right. What's the big deal?

I mean, I woke up this morning married to a woman,

and now I'm married to a man.

I'm sorry. I-I saw us going down in flames and I panicked.

(Chuckles) No, no. We weren't going down in flames,

you were going down in flames.

With your awesomes and your nodding

and all the things you told me not to do.

I'm sorry, I got nervous.

It's unethical, not to mention crazy.

Andi, call her and tell her the truth.

- Fine. - (Charlie crying)

- You're up. - (Knocking)

- Hi, girls. - Hey. - Hi.

So, how'd it go at work?

Jules was fantastically adequate.

Oh. Aw, thank you.

Sure. Uh, so listen,

we're on our way to spin, but (Snaps fingers)

I wanted to drop a little something off for you

to thank you for helping me with the Bieber thing. (Gasps)

Aw.

(Gasps)

Silver elephant salt and pepper shakers.

They're beautiful.

You remembered that I love elephants.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course, elephants...

- Are your thing. - Yeah.

Actually, I-I'm the one who...

Understands the distinction

between professional and personal,

assistant and friend.

Alive and dead.

I just had a fantastic date.

Her name's Lila, and I think she could be a keeper.

We met for coffee, coffee turned into a walk,

a walk evolved into meaningful stares, suggestive silences

and provocative hand-holding.

So you're saying you spent the afternoon

at a seventh grade dance.

I'm bringing her to dinner on Friday.

Whoa, dinner with the group?

Bold move.

- Bold guy. - Mm.

Hope you won't feel weird being the only one without a date.

Actually, I didn't tell you this before,

but I, too, have found someone fantastic

with real long-term potential.

Wink back, wink back, wink back, wink back.

One of you bastards has got to be free Friday night.

(Knocking) Jules: Kate?

Uh, not now, I'm...

Masturbating.

And I finished.

Here is the Victoria Beckham file,

the monthly financials,

and here's the stab your friends in the heart file.

Well, this does not seem like it's going to be good.

This is a list of all the gifts "you've" bought

for the last five years.

I found it on Denise's computer.

Well, I don't think Denise would appreciate you snooping...

You haven't picked one gift for any of us.

Kate, you always talk about personal versus professional,

and now you're using professional for personal,

and personally, I find that unprofessional,

and I'm telling everyone.

No, you're not.

Because I own everything you do and learn

in this office from 9:00 to 5:00.

That is what it means to be professional.

So grow a thicker skin... And let's go get a drink,

'cause it's 5:01, girl!

What what? Friendship time!

All right, I'll catch you at the bar.

(Cell phone ringing)

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Really?

Absolutely, yes, we'll be there.

Great, thank you.

Guess who made it to their second round of interviews

at Crestlake hills?

That's great!

And we didn't have to fabricate a crazy gay dad story.

You didn't call.

I did...

Not call. Lowell?

Are you free Monday at 11:00 for a second interview?

Absolutely! Anything for our Charlie.

All right, so, what, so if I don't go along

with this, I'm the bad guy, right?

- Exactly. - You'd be a monster.

Okay, so, if we get in,

Lowell and I are supposed to pretend to be married

for the next three years?

No, of course not.

If we get in, you guys will break up.

You'll be two divorced gay dads.

Oh, see, I don't know; Divorce is really hard on kids.

Maybe we should stay together for Charlie.

Andi: Okay, dads.

Let's put our heads together. We need to come up

with a background story of how you two met.

So do you have any ideas?

Okay, how about if we met surfing?

Yes, see that-that sounds cool.

I like that, I love that, I do, I do.

But what if instead of surfing, you guys met at a museum?

- Okay, yeah. - Mm.

Uh-huh. I like surfing.

I-I still think, Bobby, that your idea about the museum,

so much stronger.

Let's just stick with that, okay?

She's a tough one, Bob.

At least we got each other.

So you guys met online?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I winked at him, and then we met,

and he turned out to be so open and honest

and handsome. (Laughs)

I-I wouldn't say handsome, but...

I mean, since you did.

You guys are so cute.

We are cute.

I am here with my date.

Spoiler alert, he's delightful.

- How are you. Bobby. - Hey, Tim Kayler.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Hey, Tim Kayler. Nice to meet you.

Tim Kayler. Pleasure.

- I'm Lowell. - Fantastic.

Hi, I'm Will. This is my date, Lila.

And this is my date, Tim Kayler.

How you doing? Tim Kayler.

CEO of Kayler Microdevices.

Oh, really?

What is a microdevice?

Oh, god, they're integral to everything,

from the toys our children play with

to the nerve gas that kills our enemies. (Laughs)

How'd you two meet?

Online.

Online?

Kayler: Funny story.

My company makes the servers that power the site.

God's honest truth.

Tim Kayler.

We just met.

Okay, great to reconnect.

Hey, anybody else thirsty?

I brought a mind-boggling barolo.

Oh, I love Italian wine.

You got to love Italian wine!

Am I right?

Yeah, why don't we, uh, go ahead and open up this...

Mind-boggling Italian wine for you guys.

I'm full of baby, so I'm just gonna watch.

So, uh, I thought you said

online dating was just for losers.

Oh, I thought it was,

but when I saw how well you were doing,

I decided to stick my toe in,

and that little piggy found itself some Tim Kayler.

You know what? I'm-I'm just happy you're happy.

And I'm happy my date blows your date out of the water.

You don't even know Lila.

Is she a millionaire with a private jet?

'Cause you know who is?

Kayler: Salute!

All: Salute.

(Whispers): Tim Kayler.

Hey, did you guys hear Lila works for a foundation

that feeds children in Africa?

We put together packages to send to impoverished

and war-torn areas.

Just when you think Lila can't get any better, bam!

Some poor kid in Africa gets his belly filled.

Wait, are you with hands across Africa?

Kayler Microdevices is a proud sponsor of hands across Africa!

(Laughs)

Kate: Do you hear that?

My date sponsors your date,

so suck it.

(Laughs)

(Sighs): Oh, this one.

She's a firecracker.

I want to take you to Paris.

Kate: Oh, my god.

You hear that?

Yeah, I heard it; I'm right here.

- Wow, Paris. - That's amazing.

How come you never take me to Paris?

If I'm taking anybody to Paris,

it's gonna be my husband.

(Scoffs)

Bob, you're the best.

It's funny because you mocked me for being single,

and yet here I am

with the perfect date.

So, when are we going to Paris?

- Tomorrow. - (Gasps)

And that's when I'm gonna put a baby in you.

What?

Mm-hmm. You will give birth to my heir.

And if it's a girl, we'll just keep trying

till you get it right.

Salute!

You may want to come back in here.

He's talking baby names.

Do you want to torture me, or can I just admit defeat?

You won, okay? Congratulations.

Kate, it was never supposed to be a competition.

Yeah, I know, it's just...

You know, when you met someone you actually liked, I panicked.

(Chuckles): One date.

Yeah, but look how fast it happened for Jules.

I mean, up until today,

you and I were partners in misery.

Now...

What if I end up being the only single one left in our group?

What if I never find anyone?

You will.

You're great.

You're-you're too great to be summed up

in an online dating profile.

You're an amazing, strong, beautiful woman.

Tim Kayler wouldn't put his baby in just anyone.

Come on, let's go make fun of him together.

(Laughs)

I'd like that.

What's going on? Where's Lila?

She excused herself to go to the bathroom and left.

With all of our wallets.

What?

No, she didn't, mine's right...

Son of a...

So, little miss feed the children is a criminal.

Which means you lose, I win, and it's too late

to take back all those nice things you said.

Oh, hey, good news everybody!

She didn't take my cocaine!

All right, it's a tie.

Okay, one last time.

Your hobbies include racquetball and antiquing.

Okay.

Okay, you know what? Let me deal with the backstory,

you guys just sit there and look pretty.

I'm ready for you.

Oh, uh, just the parents.

Oh.

Interesting.

Just the parents.

Bowmont: You know, I never did hear

how the two of you met.

Oh, surfing.

(All laughing)

Mrs. Bowmont! I love it, I love that.

Oh, my goodness.

Congratulations. Here's your enrollment packet.

Thank you.

I look forward to seeing you soon.

See you soon.

Enrollment packet?

We've been accepted.

(Laughs): Oh, my god, that's awesome!

Turns out, they like a gay surfing couple

who doesn't like racquetball or antiquing.

(Lowell and Bobby grunting)

Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know that I've just been so crazy lately,

but I just...

I needed to make sure that Charlie

was going to be in the best hands.

It's okay. And I know preschool's a big step.

For you and Charlie.

I love you. Get over here.

I love you.

Aw, see, that's romance, that is...

Bloody disgusting!

Get off my husband!

What if we had some kind of freaky

three-way thing going on?

Do you have one of those?

Jules, those shoes are gorgeous.

Thank you. Kate got them for me.

I did?

Yes, remember?

To thank me for being such a great assistant.

So professional and so discreet.

Ah, now I remember.

You are such a good gift giver.

I mean, these are so me and clearly so expensive.

Bracelet, too?

Oh. So generous.

You're fired.

C17

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