All language subtitles for American Housewife 3x11 - The Things You Do (English)

Everybody up!

- Get up, Oliver.
- Go away.

I'm up! I'm up!

I said I'm up!

Are you crazy?

Yes.

Taylor, get up.

Ohh! Ugh, gross!

Are you out of your mind?!

Yes.

- Hi, Mom!
- Aaaah!

Good God, Anna-Kat.

Every day I know it's coming,
and every day it scares me.

Hurry up!

- I just got in here!
- You have got two minutes,

or I'm sending the kids in here

to brush their teeth
whether you're done or not.

Doctor Kelman said
it's not good to push!

Where is everyone? We're gonna be late!

Go go go!

You know, if we just woke up
30 minutes earlier,

we wouldn't be so rushed,
and you wouldn't have to

- bark orders at everyone.
- The kids need their sleep.

Not at the expense of our sanity.

Yes, at the expense of our sanity.

Besides, the Otto family
works best under pressure.

Agree to disagree.
You see, in a democracy...

Ah, no time for loser talk.

Go go go!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Guess what, Mrs. Otto...

you are now looking at the two leads

of the Westport Unified's production

of "Little Shop of Horrors."

Oh, my God, honey, that is awesome!

But weren't you just
the understudy for Audrey?

I was, but then Julie Linder
had a mental breakdown

- from all the pressure...
- Mm-hmm.

...so she spray-painted dirty words

on the drama teacher's car! Eee!

With the spotlight comes
no shortage of responsibility.

Some people just can't hack it.

Are you popular at school?

I can't tell.

And now we witness the weirdo
in her natural habitat.

A radio show is having
a name-that-sound contest.

I'm trying to figure out what it is.

The 20th caller gets to guess.

I've been calling and calling

and can't get through.

I could really use
an extra pair of hands.

- What do you win?
- 500 bucks.

Play the noise.

- I'm in.
- 50/50.

Don't try any of that
70/30 crap with me.

I know how to count. I'm not Taylor.

Shu-wa.

Mm, a little higher.

Shu-wa.

Now add a lisp.

- Shu-wa.
- Perfect!

- Tax season has begun!
- Oh, no.

Why is Dad always so excited

about doing taxes?

Aren't people supposed to hate it?

Your father was never an athlete,

so this is his thing.

In high school,
they're called mathletes.

You don't know any because
they don't have any friends.

This year, I wrote a book
about John Stuart Mill,

so my subscription to
"Philosopher's Illustrated"

goes down as a deductio-o-o-o-n!

How's my little joint filer?

- Huh?
- This year, you have a job,

- so you get to join in on the fun.
- Enjoy.

Actually, since I have been
working this year,

we have a little extra money
lying around...

Why don't we hire an accountant
to do our taxes?

Never!

Now, I'm gonna need
all your work receipts,

your entire work calendar,
your mileage reports...

Mileage reports?
Greg, I don't have any of those.

Can't you just ballpark it?

Ballpark it.

Honey! You're a riot!

Ballpark it.

The way Greg does our taxes

is one of those things about him
that just drives me crazy.

Ohh, I get it.

- Richard has those things I cannot stand.
- Mm.

Like the way he eats,
the way he walks, oh!

And the way he breathes!

I am so mean to him.

That's something I don't miss
about being married...

having to tolerate the things
about your spouse

that annoy the crap out of you.

Every time I cheated on Celeste,

she just wanted to talk about it
and talk about it

- and talk about it.
- I'm telling you.

His process is already the worst,

but this year he's roping me into it.

Well, you've been letting it
go on for 18 years,

so you either accept
the situation or correct it.

Hey, you gave me that
same advice when I asked you

what to do about my weird boob.

Well, it works for
a lot of different situations.

Taylor.

Trip, I thought I told you
I didn't want to talk to you.

Taylor, listen.
Julie Linder is my friend,

and she told me that she didn't
vandalize Mrs. Gavin's car.

And your point is?

If Julie didn't do it,
then someone else did.

Someone with a motive?

To get her out of the musical?

So you could get the lead?

Are you figuring this out on your own,

or do you need my help?

- Taylor, I think it was Pierce.
- Here we go again.

All you do is accuse Pierce
of being manipulative and awful,

but he's been nothing
but supportive of me.

Taylor, you gotta trust me.

This guy is not who you think he is.

You know who I don't think
is the guy I think

- I thought he was?
- I'm not gonna lie to you.

I do very poorly on word problems.

- It's in my chart.
- You, Trip.

You are not who I thought you were.

You think I'm not who you thought I was?

I think you think
I thought you thought...

Nope, I lost it.

Okay, so if either of us get through

and we're caller 20, we're
guessing bacon frying, right?

I still think it's someone
unfolding a tin foil ball.

Tin foil ball? No.

Anna-Kat, we're just gonna do
what I say.

Hey, I don't have to listen to you.

I'm outta the car seat, buddy.

I've been facing forward for years.

Hello, you're caller
20 and you're on the air!

Oh, my God, you got through.
Give me the phone.

I'm not giving you the phone.

Anna-Kat, I'm not fooling around.

- What's your name?
- Anna-Kat.

Okay, Anna-Kat, what's that noise?

Someone unfolding a tin foil ball.

Sorry, that's not it!

You're a loser.

That's it. I'm doing it on my own.

- I'm dropping you.
- Hey, I brought you into this,

and you're turning on me?

Fine. You know what this sound is?

That's you after I win that 500 bucks

and hire someone
to punch you in the mouth.

Everybody up!

All right, people, let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

Greg!

I just remembered
that I have an early meeting,

so I need you to take
the kids to school today.

You know, this kind of new information

would be much easier to process

if we weren't so rushed in the morning.

Duly noted, duly ignored.

I still need your W-2s.

Daddy's gonna file early this year.

Sping-bada-doo!

Mrs. Otto?

As instructed, I came to the back door.

Come in before my husband
sees us together.

Lady, I don't know
what you're expecting here,

but I make love to one woman...

Ms. Shirley Glickman
of Avon, Connecticut.

Mother to my four children...
Abe, Noah...

Bernie, you are just here
to do our taxes.

I'm sorry I lost my temper.

Oh.

- Good news, honey.
- Mm-hmm.

This receipt from dinner?

I remember we discussed
a party you were planning,

so this comes off your taxes.

It's up, annnnnnd
it's good for four points!

There is literally no sport
where you can score four points.

- Hmm.
- I have some good news, too.

Oh.

What's this?

Our finished taxes.

How could our taxes be finished?

I still have more than
three weeks to go.

I know.

That's why I had an accountant

come by today and do everything.

- Now they're all done.
- Hold on.

You let another man into my QuickBooks?

The way that you do taxes

makes me want to walk into
a gas-station bathroom

and lick everything inside

until my immune system falls apart.

I had no idea how much it bothered you.

It's been a huge problem
in our marriage, so I fixed it.

Let me get this straight.

You didn't like the way I did something,

so you just took the liberty
of changing it?

Yep. Mm-hmm.

So 18 years into this marriage,

it's now okay to fix problems
with one another.

Seems that way.

Good... to... know.

Why is the alarm going off at 6:30?

I was thinking about what you said,

and I've always hated
the way that you rush us

out of the house
in the morning, so I decided...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...to set the alarm 30 minutes earlier.

- Oh, you did, did you?
- Yep.

Now everyone
can get ready at a slower pace

without all your yelling.

Just fixing a huge marital problem.

Huh.

So I guess it's on.

Isn't this nice?

I'm so tired.

See, Greg? You got them up too early,

and now they're tired.

Although it is nice not
frenching my dog in the morning.

You see? It's nice not to be rushed.

Also on the list of things
that are nice...

not having to brush your teeth
while Dad's on the can.

Actually, I'm gonna miss that part.

Every once in a while
we stumbled into a nice chat.

Opening night tonight. You ready?

As long as I'm up there
with you, I'll be fine.

Taylor's looking pretty cute today.

I gotta hand it to you.

Right? The plan's totally working.

Yeah, she never even wondered

how she went from Plant Bud #3
to the lead.

Dude, mastermind.

It took some work getting rid
of that dumb boyfriend of hers.

Yeah, but spray-painting
Mrs. Gavin's car

and then hiding the cans
in Julie's locker

to get Taylor the lead... genius.

And after tonight,
she'll owe me everything.

And then it's just a matter of time

- before I get a piece of that.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna get through
and guess "bacon frying,"

and then I'm gonna buy
a high-yield municipal bond,

and you're just gonna
have to watch it mature.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna get
through, and I'm go...

Hello, you're caller 20,
and you're on the air!

Phil, I got through!

Damn it!

What's that noise?

Is it bacon frying?

Told you.

That is... not it!

- You're a loser.
- Loser!

Here's what's gonna happen now.

I'm gonna figure out
that noise before you do,

and I'm gonna put all the money
into orange juice futures.

That's so irresponsible!

They're projecting a rough winter!

I know.

Trip.

Wait.

What do you want, Taylor?

You were right about Pierce.

He broke us up, and then he framed Julie

so I'd get the lead.

Okay.

I feel so bad for her.

I'm gonna give her back the part.

It's too late. She's already gone.

What?

Is she... dead?

No. She's in the Bahamas.

She was so bummed by what happened

that her parents took her on vacation.

Oh.

This whole time, you knew
Pierce was up to no good,

and I didn't believe you.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

How do I make this up to you?

You can't.

After what we had together,
you chose to trust him and not me.

You're not who I thought you were.

Yeah, that was right.

Is that really necessary?

I don't have the time to explain
to you how necessary this is.

Oh!

I've been thinking.

Since we decided to fix
the way others do things,

I want to point some stuff out to you.

Gotta be honest...
not looking forward to this.

Mm.

Look, the last tissue.

Well, you know the rule...
you take the last one,

you replace the box.

I know the rule. I made the rule.

I can also tell when a clean tissue

has been taken out of the box
and then re-tucked

just so someone doesn't
have to go to the basement

and get a new one.

You do it all the time,
and it drives me crazy.

Copy that. Now it's my turn.

Your turn to apologize?

Uh, no.

You always leave
half-finished glasses of water

all around the house.

Why can't you just pick one glass

and drink it to completion?

That's the best you've got?

You never screw the cap
on anything properly.

There's literally no carbonation
in a world with you in it.

Mind if we get back to my list?

I've got a bunch, so I'm
just gonna rattle them off.

You want to go lightning round?
I can go lightning round.

You scream out "this is my jam"
to no less than 300 songs.

The way that you shake hands with babies

- and say, "How do you do, sir?"
- The way you use the door compartment

in the car as a trash can.

The way that you do big
romantic gestures.

You're the only woman alive
who doesn't like

big romantic gestures!

Because I have to watch
every word that I say.

One time I mention red Skittles
are my favorite,

and I come home to a bathtub
filled with them!

It feels good to get this stuff out!

Yeah, who knew there was so much

that we find annoying about each other?

Well, I'm glad we're discovering
it 18 years into our marriage!

- What was that sound?
- I knocked over the macaroni.

That's not it.

What are you doing here?
Tonight's the big night.

Shouldn't you be rehearsing
for the musical?

I just found out that Pierce
is a lying jerk,

and now I'm supposed to
kiss him on stage.

I can't even look at him.

I knew he was bad news.

I tried to apologize to Trip,
but he won't even talk to me.

I totally blew it.

You want Trip back?

Yes, but he made it very clear
there's no way.

I've got an idea,

but it falls in the "grand
romantic gesture" category,

and your mom wouldn't like that.

But... Dad, just tell me what it is.

I don't even know
if we have time to pull it off.

Well, I'm good at rallying people

but your dad hates that about me.

Do you two think you can
stop acting so weird

and just help me?

I guess we should at least hear
what your father has in mind.

Then, if you're on board,
maybe your mother will help

rally the family to make it happen.

Oliver, Anna-Kat! Get in here!

Okay, all fights are temporarily
on hold until tomorrow morning.

We have an all-hands situation
and need to get to work.

Greg, you're up.

So, is everyone clear
on what you need to do?

Do we have enough time?

Honey, you're on.

Everybody up!

We have one hour before curtain.

Taylor, go upstairs and get ready!

Anna-Kat, go call Trip.

And Oliver... I wasn't listening

to what your father told you
to do, but do it now!

Let's go, people!

Just think, if you had to do our taxes

you wouldn't have had time to do this.

I thought all fights were on hold.

Oh, I didn't tell you? I took them off.

- Well, in that case...
- They're on hold again.

You made it!

You said it was a matter
of life and death.

Meh, it can wait.

In the meantime, why don't you
sit next to me for the show?

Anna-Kat, I don't want to
watch my ex-girlfriend

kiss a guy I hate on stage.

I have a bag of gummy worms.

All right.

Hey, uh, are you in charge of lighting?

- Yeah.
- Are you friends with Pierce?

- Hate him.
- My man.

Audrey, all that is behind you now.

You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

You're a very nice person.
I always knew you were.

Underneath all the bruises
and the handcuffs,

you know what I saw?

A girl I respected.

I still do.

? Lift up your head,
wash off your mascara ?

? Here, take my Kleenex,
wipe that lipstick away ?

? Show me your face,
clean as the mornin' ?

? I know things were bad,
but now they're okay ?

? Suddenly, Seymour ?

? Is standing beside you ?

? You don't need no makeup ?

? Don't have to pretend ?

? Suddenly, Seymour ?

? Is here to provide you ?

? With sweet understandin' ?

? Seymour's your friend ?

? You never treated me kindly ?

? Daddy couldn't stand you,
Mama concurred ?

Taylor, that's not the lyric.

? I met you and followed you blindly ?

? Now I see that you're a big tuuuuurd ?

What are you doing?

? Suddenly, Trip ?

? Please forgive me ?

? You're honest and caring ?

? You were my number one fan ?

? Suddenly, Trip ?

? Please don't forget me ?

? With sweet understanding ?

? Please be my man ?

I'm so lucky that I sat here!

This is such a coincidence.

Anna-Kat called me here
for a life-and-death situation

and then Taylor winds up singing to me.

I've missed you.

- Babe, you were amazing.
- Thank you.

Yeah, it was probably
the first audience ever

to cheer when Seymour
got eaten by the plant.

You know this was only possible
because we embraced

the things that we don't
like about each other.

Yeah, from now on, let's not
try to change each other.

Let's just complain to our friends

behind each other's backs.

You good with that?

Shu-wa!

Come on.

The sound!

Oliver!

That's the sound. Oh, my God, that's it.

- Did you hear that?
- Oh, my God, that's the sound.

- That's the sound.
- That's it.

- That's the noise.
- Oh, my God, that's the sound.

Oh, my God. We got to get
through on the phone

tomorrow before any of these people.

"We"? You're doing it with me?

Because when this family works together,

there's nothing we can't do?

No, because Mom said
she'd shoot me in the crotch

with her wake-up gun if I didn't.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com