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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,554
Wait, you're saying we need
to go into witness protection?
2
00:00:04,555 --> 00:00:06,479
This is nice.
3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,334
And it's bang in the
centre of Swindon.
4
00:00:08,335 --> 00:00:10,119
Look, I've got a job
for yous, ain't I?
5
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,434
There's a couple of girls
causing a bit of trouble.
6
00:00:12,435 --> 00:00:14,359
Need taking out.
7
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,260
Have you come courting?
8
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,074
You became a man today.
9
00:00:21,075 --> 00:00:22,620
Respect.
10
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,850
No, I don't want money.
11
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,700
Just a bit of help... Sergeant.
12
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,194
Normally, when I'm out and about,
13
00:00:41,195 --> 00:00:42,959
someone - and I've timed this -
14
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,074
someone will stop me roughly
every 14 minutes and say,
15
00:00:46,075 --> 00:00:47,799
"Hey, John, how about a selfie?", or
16
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,074
"Hey, John, how about
tickets for the rugby?"
17
00:00:50,075 --> 00:00:51,971
The answer to that,
by the way, is no.
18
00:00:51,972 --> 00:00:53,799
If you want to go to
the internationals,
19
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,834
join your local club and get
involved in grass-roots sport.
20
00:00:56,835 --> 00:00:58,731
Well, today, I took a brisk-ish
21
00:00:58,732 --> 00:01:00,559
45-minute walk into the studio
22
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,119
and not one person batted an eyelid.
23
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:07,220
Why? Well, because, as you
can see, I've grown a "goatee".
24
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,039
Now, in week one of WitPro,
25
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,474
a lot of people think they
have to shave their heads,
26
00:01:12,475 --> 00:01:14,479
or dye their eyebrows purple.
27
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,639
Relax, you don't
need to go to extremes.
28
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,100
Small, subtle changes are
often the most effective.
29
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,394
If you part your hair to the
right, part it to the left.
30
00:01:25,395 --> 00:01:27,291
If you're normally clean-shaven,
31
00:01:27,292 --> 00:01:29,119
what about a five o'clock shadow?
32
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,434
And don't forget to think
about your surroundings.
33
00:01:31,435 --> 00:01:33,751
Is this a blazer and tie environment
34
00:01:33,752 --> 00:01:36,034
or is it more old lacrosse sweater
35
00:01:36,035 --> 00:01:37,679
and trackie bum-bums?
36
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:42,180
Remember, the aim of
the game is to blend in.
37
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,314
Why don't you just fuck off, Jackie?
38
00:02:09,315 --> 00:02:10,999
Hell, I'll give you fuck off!
39
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,674
Pay your electric, then
you can tell me to fuck off.
40
00:02:14,675 --> 00:02:16,260
All right?
41
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,100
Costs nothing to smile,
you stuck-up bitch.
42
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,314
Ta-da! What're you doing?
43
00:02:30,315 --> 00:02:31,799
Now, don't panic.
44
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,479
I've not spent a fortune.
45
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:37,460
Believe it or not, all this
was achieved for under £6.
46
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,300
Yeah, I believe it.
47
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,439
Dandelions in a yoghurt pot
48
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,420
are an inexpensive alternative to
costly petrol station flowers.
49
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,679
This feature wall...
50
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,559
is Christmas wrapping paper.
51
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,060
An absolute steal
at this time of year.
52
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,794
And I LOVE these balloons.
53
00:03:01,795 --> 00:03:04,391
They just say, "Who cares?
54
00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:06,954
"Let's dance barefoot. "
55
00:03:06,955 --> 00:03:08,900
Right? Right.
56
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:16,180
Hey, have you noticed some of the
neighbours are a little bit...?
57
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:18,594
Well, a bit lively.
58
00:03:18,595 --> 00:03:19,999
What do you mean?
59
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,594
Well, like that lady who
stands in her doorway, smoking.
60
00:03:23,595 --> 00:03:25,554
Little bit in-your-face.
61
00:03:25,555 --> 00:03:27,011
Who, Jackie? Yeah.
62
00:03:27,012 --> 00:03:28,700
No, she's lovely.
63
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,260
Now...
64
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,399
...what do you think?
65
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,719
I THINK that's the
knackered office chair
66
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,034
I've seen in the skip outside
for the past three days.
67
00:03:38,035 --> 00:03:39,820
It's shabby chic.
68
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,914
There's nothing to see here, son.
69
00:04:00,915 --> 00:04:02,611
Body's gone.
70
00:04:02,612 --> 00:04:04,120
Went days ago.
71
00:04:04,121 --> 00:04:05,559
Did she...
72
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,959
have any family?
73
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:10,420
I wouldn't know about that.
Now, go on. On your way.
74
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,514
Who did you come to
Christmas last then, eh?
75
00:04:46,515 --> 00:04:48,719
Asking for 200 quid.
76
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,114
And who gave it you and
has not had it back yet, eh?
77
00:04:51,115 --> 00:04:53,279
Oh, fuck off! Hiya, Jackie.
78
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:56,234
All right, Mystique, love.
I'm just nipping to Costcutters.
79
00:04:56,235 --> 00:04:57,914
Do you want me to get
you a scratch-card?
80
00:04:57,915 --> 00:04:59,434
Oh, no, you're all right, love.
81
00:04:59,435 --> 00:05:00,639
Oh, piss off.
82
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,374
Go on, then. Get us 15...
83
00:05:02,375 --> 00:05:04,039
and get one for yourself.
84
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,740
Hey, get the champagne ready.
85
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:17,854
Oh, here she is, look.
86
00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:19,159
Dictionary Corner.
87
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,554
Oh, you think you're so much
better than us, don't you?
88
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,474
What are you doing
on our estate anyway?
89
00:05:23,475 --> 00:05:25,020
Who the fuck are you?!
90
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,679
Right, Leanne, I'm worried.
91
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,079
Don't be. All this paint
was totally free,
92
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,554
because it might contain
dangerous levels of lead.
93
00:05:42,555 --> 00:05:44,474
Well, I might be willing
to take those odds.
94
00:05:44,475 --> 00:05:46,039
No, no, it's not that...
95
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,999
By the way, don't put
any of that in my room.
96
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,314
...I'm worried that I'm sticking
out too much on the estate.
97
00:05:51,315 --> 00:05:54,111
People seem to be reacting
badly to me and...
98
00:05:54,112 --> 00:05:57,140
I'm worried that I'm drawing
attention to myself.
99
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,154
I'm glad you've come
to me about this, Rhons.
100
00:06:05,155 --> 00:06:06,559
So, I was thinking...
101
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,119
I could shave off my eyebrows
102
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,519
and draw them on with
eye-liner pencil...
103
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,994
and maybe carry a bottle of Newkie
Brown with me wherever I go?
104
00:06:13,995 --> 00:06:15,594
I mean, I wouldn't have to drink it,
105
00:06:15,595 --> 00:06:18,460
just always be holding it.
106
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,279
Accent coaching.
107
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:26,974
Hmm? We need to
workshop your accent.
108
00:06:26,975 --> 00:06:29,634
Nothing major, just
a few little tweaks
109
00:06:29,635 --> 00:06:31,799
to make you sound a bit more like
110
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,174
you were allowed to
watch TV as a child.
111
00:06:34,175 --> 00:06:36,780
I was allowed to
watch TV as a child.
112
00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:41,100
I was allowed to watch Blue Peter.
113
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,554
Now, in your own time.
114
00:06:44,555 --> 00:06:46,340
Just your normal voice.
115
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,199
Nice weather we're having, isn't it?
116
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,074
Telly said it was
going to piss it down.
117
00:06:53,075 --> 00:06:54,611
Great start.
118
00:06:54,612 --> 00:06:56,079
OK, um...
119
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,759
you've got a very rigid top palate.
120
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,210
It's fine, it's just something
we're going to have to work with.
121
00:07:10,152 --> 00:07:13,319
Country supper.
122
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:18,799
Nigh, needy, Netanyahu.
123
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,980
Imagine you've got a
mouthful of marbles.
124
00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:25,465
No, less marbles.
125
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,385
One big marble.
126
00:07:33,395 --> 00:07:35,585
Yes.
127
00:07:39,215 --> 00:07:43,340
Now, soften that "wuh".
128
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,679
No, soften the "wuh".
129
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,194
What do you mean, "Soften the wuh?"
Yes, that's it! Oh!
130
00:07:48,195 --> 00:07:49,479
Nice weather.
131
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,399
Yes. Nice weather!
132
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,234
Throw it away. Nice weather.
133
00:07:53,235 --> 00:07:55,159
Ha, yes!
134
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,879
OK, you're ready.
135
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:58,399
Are you sure? Definitely.
136
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:02,959
I actually think, for the first
time, I'm hearing Sarah Penn.
137
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,754
Do you know what? I was actually
cast as Bo Peep in my school play
138
00:08:05,755 --> 00:08:07,759
and I don't think
it was just because
139
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,874
they knew my mum could handle the
costumes. It's time to shine, Rhons.
140
00:08:10,875 --> 00:08:12,580
Let's go say hi to Jackie.
141
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,454
Hiya, Jackie.
142
00:08:21,455 --> 00:08:23,359
All right?
143
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,359
Nice weather we're having.
144
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,434
Telly said it were
going to piss it down.
145
00:08:28,435 --> 00:08:29,900
What?
146
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,540
Nice weather we're having.
147
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,900
Telly said it were
going to piss it down.
148
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,740
Are you taking the piss?
149
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,839
Sorry, Jackie, love.
150
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,514
You've not been introduced to Sarah,
151
00:08:50,515 --> 00:08:53,034
so, you weren't to know.
152
00:08:53,035 --> 00:08:54,820
Sarah's deaf.
153
00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:59,599
Oh, luvvie!
154
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,399
Oh, fucking hell.
155
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,679
I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
156
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,834
That's all right,
I should have said.
157
00:09:05,835 --> 00:09:07,399
I would never...
158
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,594
I would never say
anything to hurt a deafie.
159
00:09:10,595 --> 00:09:12,871
That's all right, Sarah don't mind.
160
00:09:12,872 --> 00:09:15,380
You're all right, aren't you, Saz?
161
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,074
Oh, fucking hell!
162
00:09:18,075 --> 00:09:19,900
God bless her.
163
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,454
Now, listen to me...
164
00:09:22,455 --> 00:09:24,074
Can she understand me?
165
00:09:24,075 --> 00:09:26,199
Translate.
166
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,039
I don't care what anyone says,
167
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,380
you've got every right
to walk these streets.
168
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,734
God bless you, you poor bastard.
169
00:09:36,735 --> 00:09:39,041
Oh, she's beautiful, ain't she?
170
00:09:39,042 --> 00:09:41,314
Can you tell her she's beautiful?
171
00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:43,180
Fag? I'm all right, Jackie.
172
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,580
Come on, Sarah.
173
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,420
Come on, come on.
174
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,100
Careful!
175
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,980
Oh, my God!
176
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,834
Do you know what I think it was?
177
00:10:00,835 --> 00:10:02,879
The "wuh" sound.
178
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,594
You didn't soften the "wuh".
179
00:10:04,595 --> 00:10:06,211
You told her I was deaf.
180
00:10:06,212 --> 00:10:07,759
Even by your standards...
181
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,034
Look, I'm sorry, I am not
going along with this.
182
00:10:10,035 --> 00:10:12,639
I am not pretending to be deaf.
183
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,714
It's just wrong. Look, Rhona,
if you'd asked me this morning
184
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:17,879
did I want you to have to
pretend to be a deaf-mute,
185
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,554
I would have said, "No, course not,"
but that's how it's gone.
186
00:10:20,555 --> 00:10:21,759
And at the end of the day,
187
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,434
it's got you the exact
result you wanted with Jackie.
188
00:10:24,435 --> 00:10:26,314
I wish I'd thought
of it for Mystique.
189
00:10:26,315 --> 00:10:27,811
Really, I do.
190
00:10:27,812 --> 00:10:29,239
Playing deaf?
191
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,940
That's Oscar shit.
192
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,479
What up, doggy stylers?
193
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,834
It's me, Leanne,
the doggy hairdresser.
194
00:10:59,835 --> 00:11:03,519
Now, we have talked again and again
195
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:07,100
about how a good cut can transform
a puppy's self-esteem.
196
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,134
They know when they look good
and they respond to that -
197
00:11:11,135 --> 00:11:14,394
which is why, today, we're
talking about doggy nail varnish.
198
00:11:14,395 --> 00:11:17,079
Now, Cookie here is a little boy,
199
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:19,994
so obviously we're not going
to go for anything too glam.
200
00:11:19,995 --> 00:11:22,874
By and large, we're sticking
to more muted earth tones.
201
00:11:22,875 --> 00:11:24,191
Now...
202
00:11:24,192 --> 00:11:25,740
Slag.
203
00:11:31,455 --> 00:11:33,319
Bosh!
204
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,594
Adrian, that doesn't look to me like
205
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,100
you're researching
the Dundas Aqueduct.
206
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,074
All right, mate? Found out
where one of them works.
207
00:11:52,075 --> 00:11:54,634
Let's go over there
and fuck shit up.
208
00:11:54,635 --> 00:11:56,039
'Can't, Lee. '
209
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,234
My nan's coming round.
210
00:11:58,235 --> 00:12:00,359
Oh, all right. Fair play.
211
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,439
I'll go on my own,
but keep your phone on
212
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,340
in case I need you to come
over with a you-know-what.
213
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,719
Piss off!
214
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,119
It's natural, innit?
215
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,820
What am I meant to do,
put a cork in its arse?
216
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,474
All right, love?
217
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:23,159
Oh...
218
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,479
bless you, love.
219
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,154
Good for you. Fuck 'em.
220
00:12:26,155 --> 00:12:27,700
Fuck 'em.
221
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,434
Sorry, are you the person
asking about Rhona Fairburn?
222
00:12:35,435 --> 00:12:39,234
Yeah. Well, what it is,
is I'm her ex-boyfriend.
223
00:12:39,235 --> 00:12:40,879
You're James? Yeah, that's me.
224
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,399
James, who's 32 and
a civil engineer?
225
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,574
Yeah, mate. Anyway,
it's a bit embarrassing,
226
00:12:46,575 --> 00:12:49,401
but, basically, she
needs to get herself tested.
227
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:52,194
If you could tell her to
meet me in a half-hour
228
00:12:52,195 --> 00:12:54,119
by the nettles behind McDonald's.
229
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,814
Well, I'm afraid Rhona
isn't actually in today, so...
230
00:12:56,815 --> 00:12:59,474
That's all right. I'll just
come back tomorrow, then.
231
00:12:59,475 --> 00:13:02,060
Am I all right to sit
here and have a Chomp?
232
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,874
Actually, she's not going to
be in for quite some time.
233
00:13:05,875 --> 00:13:08,039
She's on jury duty,
a complex fraud case.
234
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,434
It might take several months,
apparently... Oh, shit.
235
00:13:10,435 --> 00:13:14,714
...but, by all means,
finish your Chomp,
236
00:13:14,715 --> 00:13:17,020
but then do, please, leave quickly.
237
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,554
These days, our money has
to work even harder for us
238
00:13:28,555 --> 00:13:30,719
and one of our biggest expenditures
239
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,274
is on our property.
Last year, we spent...
240
00:13:33,275 --> 00:13:35,271
Hey, guess who texted me?
241
00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:37,199
Your number one fan, Jackie.
242
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,754
Well, you shouldn't really
be giving her your number.
243
00:13:39,755 --> 00:13:42,199
She's coming round for a cuppa...
244
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,279
What?.. and she's
bringing her sisters.
245
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,514
And she says there's
someone she wants you to meet.
246
00:13:47,515 --> 00:13:49,559
Oh, God, no. Leanne, tell her no.
247
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:51,554
Well, to be honest,
she didn't really ask.
248
00:13:51,555 --> 00:13:53,314
She just said she was coming over.
249
00:13:53,315 --> 00:13:54,811
I'm not going to act deaf.
250
00:13:54,812 --> 00:13:56,239
Well, you don't have to.
251
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,639
That's the beauty
of deaf Sarah Penn.
252
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,980
You just sit in the corner
and leave the talking to me.
253
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,700
Fine.
254
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,479
Now...
255
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,220
I got the Fimo out...
256
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,820
...and I made you this.
257
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,679
Ta-da!
258
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,834
Get that off me.
259
00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:23,140
Right.
260
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,540
You, erm, got some
good news for me, then?
261
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,394
Right, yeah. So, we
found out where they live,
262
00:14:52,395 --> 00:14:55,319
but they ain't been there
in, like, three days.
263
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,114
So, I went to one of their works,
yeah, and spoke to this bitch...
264
00:14:58,115 --> 00:14:59,399
Oi!
265
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,719
Don't call women bitches.
266
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,719
Your mother's a woman. Right, sorry.
267
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,234
Erm, so, yeah, she said that
she's on jury service or some shit
268
00:15:07,235 --> 00:15:08,714
and wouldn't be back for ages.
269
00:15:08,715 --> 00:15:10,039
Shit.
270
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,314
Right, well, they're in
witness protection, then.
271
00:15:12,315 --> 00:15:13,599
How do you know?
272
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,514
Well, when you go
into witness protection
273
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:16,999
and it ain't permanent or nothing,
274
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,514
they tell your work that you're
going to jury duty for...
275
00:15:19,515 --> 00:15:20,959
however long.
276
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,794
Right, well, this is good, though,
mate. Good information. Yeah?
277
00:15:23,795 --> 00:15:26,794
Right, I'll be in
touch with you, yeah.
278
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:28,519
I'm impressed, mate.
279
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,340
You're a proper gangster.
280
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:02,959
All right, boss?
281
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,100
Daddy's come to Londis.
282
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,234
Oi, boss, put these on my tab, yeah.
283
00:16:09,235 --> 00:16:11,434
No tabs, you need to pay for that.
284
00:16:11,435 --> 00:16:14,439
Yeah, fuck that, man.
285
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,154
I come in here every day, man.
286
00:16:16,155 --> 00:16:17,799
Put it on my tab.
287
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:21,114
You don't know who
you're messing with.
288
00:16:21,115 --> 00:16:24,394
This is what your daddy
should have done.
289
00:16:24,395 --> 00:16:26,319
Did you hear me?
290
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,940
Insolent! Now, get out, man!
291
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,634
Before I was a carer, I was
actually a corporate lawyer,
292
00:16:45,635 --> 00:16:47,839
but it was all
contracts and paperwork,
293
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,434
and no-one ever talked about love.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
294
00:16:51,435 --> 00:16:53,994
So, one day, I just
walked out of the office,
295
00:16:53,995 --> 00:16:56,274
didn't know where was going,
296
00:16:56,275 --> 00:16:57,839
and I...
297
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,180
I walked into a hospital...
298
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,060
...and I just said...
299
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,159
"How can I help?"
300
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,874
Thank God for people
like you, Mystique, love.
301
00:17:10,875 --> 00:17:12,679
I couldn't do what you do.
302
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,354
Hand on heart, couldn't be fucked.
303
00:17:15,355 --> 00:17:18,260
Told you, didn't I? Like Lady Di.
304
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,279
Well, thanks.
305
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,094
You know, it's so
nice to have visitors,
306
00:17:25,095 --> 00:17:27,874
and I can tell it
means a lot to her.
307
00:17:27,875 --> 00:17:30,171
Look how peaceful she is.
308
00:17:30,172 --> 00:17:32,434
She understands, doesn't she,
309
00:17:32,435 --> 00:17:33,919
all this is for her?
310
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,580
Oh, I'd like to think so, Jackie.
311
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,140
He's upstairs, go on up.
312
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,434
Mate, where's the gun?
313
00:17:59,435 --> 00:18:00,919
What?
314
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,540
Why? I just need it.
315
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,679
For what?
Look, I've been disrespected.
316
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,254
This guy. You don't need
to know, just give it.
317
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,794
We can't just, like, go
around shooting people.
318
00:18:11,795 --> 00:18:13,799
Or what? You think
I can't handle it?
319
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,034
Yeah? Think you're the
big boss man, yeah?
320
00:18:16,035 --> 00:18:17,585
Just cos you shot... Shh!
321
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,980
Mate, since when did you have a cat?
322
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,399
I shagged this girl,
so she gave me her cat.
323
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,834
Right, come on! Gareth's
got to have his tea now.
324
00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:32,039
Give me the gun.
325
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,474
No. Get off. No. Get off of...
326
00:18:34,475 --> 00:18:36,420
What the fuck?
327
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,620
Bender.
328
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,479
I wonder who that could be.
329
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,714
Jackie, have you got
something up your sleeve?
330
00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:53,900
Someone's got a visitor, I think.
331
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,754
Mystique, this is
my sister, Michelle.
332
00:19:00,755 --> 00:19:02,159
Michelle, Mystique.
333
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,834
All right. Shell's a dinner
lady at St Wilfred's.
334
00:19:04,835 --> 00:19:06,279
They've got one there.
335
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,314
We thought it would be nice if we
brought him round to meet Sarah.
336
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,260
This is Nathan.
337
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,394
Sarah, love, this is Nathan!
338
00:19:19,395 --> 00:19:21,140
Nathan is deaf!
339
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,439
Don't you love it
when they do all this?
340
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,034
It's like another world, innit?
Go on, then, don't be shy.
341
00:19:38,035 --> 00:19:40,300
Talk to him with your little hands.
342
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,100
Come on! He's got on
two buses to get here.
343
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,159
Ooh, look how excited he is.
344
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,540
I think someone's sweet on someone.
345
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,234
What's wrong with him, Shell?
346
00:20:12,235 --> 00:20:14,119
Maybe he's a bit overtired.
347
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:18,194
He's playing up. You're going
to have to take him home, Shell.
348
00:20:18,195 --> 00:20:20,279
Come on, come on.
349
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,914
I'll see you on Thursday, Shell.
350
00:20:21,915 --> 00:20:23,479
Sorry about that Sarah, love.
351
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,194
They're like a dog with two
dicks at this age, deaf or not.
352
00:20:26,195 --> 00:20:28,020
Oh, my Go...!
353
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,540
What the fuck?
354
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,454
Christ be praised!
355
00:20:40,455 --> 00:20:42,279
It's a miracle!
356
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,434
That African preacher
did the job for you, Saz.
357
00:20:44,435 --> 00:20:46,580
You're healed. Stop it. Just...
358
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,039
I'm not deaf. I'm sorry.
359
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,274
What the hell is
going on with you two?
360
00:20:55,275 --> 00:20:57,620
You're hiding something, I know it.
361
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,559
OK.
362
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,999
OK, you're right, Jackie.
363
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,354
We have been hiding something.
364
00:21:04,355 --> 00:21:06,100
No. No more lies.
365
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,774
These people deserve
to know the truth.
366
00:21:09,775 --> 00:21:12,159
They're our friends,
we can trust them.
367
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,594
Oh, my... You said you didn't
want to pretend any more.
368
00:21:14,595 --> 00:21:16,634
It's time to come clean
about who we really are.
369
00:21:16,635 --> 00:21:18,420
Right, can we just, say...
370
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,980
Fucking hell.
371
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:26,679
Yeah.
372
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,700
That's right, everyone,
we are lesbians.
373
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,194
We had to flee our last place
because of intolerance.
374
00:21:34,195 --> 00:21:36,371
Remember when Peggy
threw Mark Fowler
375
00:21:36,372 --> 00:21:38,514
out of the Queen Vic for being HIV?
376
00:21:38,515 --> 00:21:40,239
Well, it was like that.
377
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,554
We were nervous about
not being accepted here,
378
00:21:43,555 --> 00:21:47,351
so we decided to live
as a simple deaf girl
379
00:21:47,352 --> 00:21:51,380
and her beautiful carer
as a cover story.
380
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:55,514
Yep, yep, that's what
the situation is.
381
00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:58,874
Thinking about it now,
the plan was mental.
382
00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:01,020
Almost nonsensical, but...
383
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,174
...we're very emotional people.
384
00:22:05,175 --> 00:22:07,340
It was wrong, and I'm sorry...
385
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,694
...but we're just two ordinary girls
386
00:22:11,695 --> 00:22:15,020
driven wild by each other's bodies.
387
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,599
Hey...
388
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,860
now listen to me, Mystique...
389
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:26,140
...you've got
nothing to apologise for.
390
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,194
I'll be honest with you, the
last six months I was in prison,
391
00:22:31,195 --> 00:22:33,151
I went over to fanny myself.
392
00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:35,039
Same as my Mark and cock.
393
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,234
Straight as a ruler all
his life but, inside,
394
00:22:37,235 --> 00:22:39,851
you couldn't keep him off it.
395
00:22:39,852 --> 00:22:42,434
That is a lovely story, Julie.
396
00:22:42,435 --> 00:22:43,679
Thank you.
397
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,679
You won't get no grief,
not round here.
398
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,114
And if you do, they'll
have us to answer to.
399
00:22:48,115 --> 00:22:50,319
Right, girls? Thanks, guys.
400
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:52,674
I'm so glad there's no
more secrets between us.
401
00:22:52,675 --> 00:22:55,239
Also, cos we're
planning to adopt, so...
402
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:59,634
Adopt more stereotypically
lesbian mannerisms,
403
00:22:59,635 --> 00:23:01,994
so, you know, this
doesn't happen again.
404
00:23:01,995 --> 00:23:04,674
No, we're planning to adopt.
405
00:23:04,675 --> 00:23:06,679
Hopefully, a brown one.
406
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:09,154
She's talking about greyhounds.
407
00:23:09,155 --> 00:23:10,700
An ex-racer.
408
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:17,100
I've always wanted a puppy.
You're going to have a baby with me.
409
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,500
Only me.
410
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,559
Tony!
411
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,399
This young man - Ian, is it?
412
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,599
Hmm. This young man,
Ian, is an angel.
413
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,994
Well, I don't know
about that, Mrs Forrest.
414
00:23:32,995 --> 00:23:34,420
Vonne, please.
415
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,919
So, I had a flat tyre
416
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,274
and Ian just happened to
be passing the house
417
00:23:40,275 --> 00:23:42,311
and he stopped, God bless him,
418
00:23:42,312 --> 00:23:44,580
and he changed the tyre for me.
419
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:49,434
Did he? I think a man should be able
to change a tyre, don't you, Ian?
420
00:23:49,435 --> 00:23:51,500
Tony can't change a light bulb.
421
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,894
Do you take milk and sugar?
422
00:23:55,895 --> 00:23:57,794
Three sugars, please...
423
00:23:57,795 --> 00:23:59,839
Vonne.
424
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,940
I'm afraid it's only Canderel.
425
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,460
Tony has to be careful.
426
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:14,490
This must be Michael...
427
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,140
...and Tonya.
428
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,034
They're a credit to you both.
429
00:24:21,035 --> 00:24:22,959
What are you doing?
430
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,994
Why don't you just give
me the names, Tony?
431
00:24:24,995 --> 00:24:27,359
Nice and simple, instead of all this
432
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,119
accidentally-give-it-to-the-lawyers
shit.
433
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:33,474
I told you, it's safer
if they can't trace it.
434
00:24:33,475 --> 00:24:36,114
We know they're in
witness protection.
435
00:24:36,115 --> 00:24:39,199
Are they? Oh, bloody hell.
436
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,354
God! It never rains
but it pours, does it?
437
00:24:41,355 --> 00:24:42,959
You knew that'd happen.
438
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,674
Now, I'd take issue
with you there, Ian.
439
00:24:45,675 --> 00:24:48,354
I've always played
you with a straight bat.
440
00:24:48,355 --> 00:24:49,959
You're going to get
us their address.
441
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,874
You know, it's really very
limited what I can do on this.
442
00:24:52,875 --> 00:24:55,851
Sergeant is mainly
a ceremonial role.
443
00:24:55,852 --> 00:24:58,794
Now, Kirsty, she heads
up the admin team,
444
00:24:58,795 --> 00:25:00,719
and a little bird tells me,
445
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,039
when she was off sick last year,
446
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:07,514
she may or may not have been
spotted at Cheltenham racecourse.
447
00:25:07,515 --> 00:25:08,999
Ripe for blackmail,
448
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,674
if you don't mind me telling my
grandmother how to suck...
449
00:25:11,675 --> 00:25:13,140
...eggs.
450
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,799
Right, then.
451
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,439
Tony, what are you doing?
452
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,740
I just thought I could see
some... ants on the skirting.
453
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,239
There. Thank you.
454
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,514
Now, Ian, I wanted to give
you something for your trouble
455
00:25:39,515 --> 00:25:41,754
and I won't take...
Ah, now, Mrs Forrest...
456
00:25:41,755 --> 00:25:44,034
I won't take no for an answer.
457
00:25:44,035 --> 00:25:46,439
Well, then, I won't try.
458
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:51,234
It's very kind of you. I'll...
I'll just go and get my purse.
459
00:25:51,235 --> 00:25:53,100
Oops!
460
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,180
Just give me a couple of days.
461
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:10,674
Hey, I know how much is
in that bottle, Candice.
462
00:26:10,675 --> 00:26:12,140
I've had a pen on it.
463
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,919
Oh, here they are,
the two love-birds.
464
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,714
Just like me and Carl
before it went to shit.
465
00:26:18,715 --> 00:26:20,759
God bless you.
466
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:24,074
Great. So, I don't have
to pretend to be deaf any more,
467
00:26:24,075 --> 00:26:27,554
but we do have to
constantly pretend to be an item
468
00:26:27,555 --> 00:26:29,514
in and around the estates.
469
00:26:29,515 --> 00:26:30,919
I think it's genius.
470
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:33,394
Although you'll probably have
to shave a bit of your hair,
471
00:26:33,395 --> 00:26:35,740
cos you're obviously the butch one.
472
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,474
Leanne, we can stop
holding hands now, you know.
473
00:26:39,475 --> 00:26:41,500
Yeah, I know.
474
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,654
This...
475
00:26:47,655 --> 00:26:49,199
Us...
476
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:50,399
It's over.
477
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:51,839
Where is the address?
478
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,820
Rest assured, I am working on it.
479
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:58,839
Wipe your own arse.
480
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,154
We need to find out what's
inside that bear, Leanne.
481
00:27:01,155 --> 00:27:02,780
I'm opening it up.
482
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,700
Oh, God. What is it?
34835
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