Original subtitles

(Shouting)

(Machine-gun fire)

Come on, man! Hurry!

(Clang) - Aaaargh!

No, no!

Phone London. Quick!

Yes.

(Explosions)

(Glass smashing)

(Phone rings)

~ Land Of Hope And Glory

(Ringing)

(Clattering)

(Clock chimes)

(Ringing stops)

Put down your weapons! Come on. Up with your hands.

English pig!

The main stories this Wednesday evening: Hugo Burlap is buried.

The world mourns a great international statesman.

And trouble brewing in the Caribbean. Maguadoran troops seize British Santa Maya.

Three days after it happened, Americans are stunned

by the tragic death of the man who was our best-loved president of this century.

78 year-old Hugo Burlap died peacefully at the White House on Sunday,

after challenging a reporter to slug him in the stomach with a crowbar

as proof of his physical fitness.

Vice-President Barbara Adams was sworn in at noon yesterday

to the job she thought she would never hold:

That of the most powerful leader in the Western world.

Hugo Burlap personified the American dream.

For a man to rise from a humble circus clown

to President of the United States,

I believe, speaks volumes for our democratic tradition,

and I am proud to step into his shoes.

To the world, he was an ambassador for peace, truth, and the American ideal,

but to citizens in his home town of Cleveland, Ohio, he will always be

Uncle Yuk-Yuk star of the big top

And it was in Cleveland at 11:30 this morning that the President was finally laid to rest

according to his last wishes

(Honking and banging)

Members of the President's family

were joined by heads of state and prime ministers from across the globe

in an act of homage to the man who shaped the course of modern America

What, then, of our nation's new Chief Executive, Barbara Jacqueline Adams?

Shrewd, sensible, compassionate, scrupulously honest:

She has overcome all these handicaps to become President of the United States.

Right now, her major concern will be the crisis in Central America,

where, 24 hours ago, Maguadoran tanks rolled into British Santa Maya.

Reaction in London was swift

Mr Speaker, I do not propose to sink to the opposition's petty level

by explaining why the invasion took place.

What is paramount now is the safety of the Santa Mayan people.

(Rowdy shouting)

Throughout history, we in these islands

have nurtured the twin flowers of freedom and equality.

Liberty is our birthright, Mr Speaker.

Democracy will prevail.

(Horse neighs)

Meanwhile

in Santa Maya

I give you your new presidente:

Generalissimo Francisco Nicanor Mosquera!

The new military ruler met with a frosty reception

People of Santa Maya

Today, you are liberated from the British imperialists.

You are,

once again, free citizens of the Republic of Maguadora.

(Crowd jeers)

(Crowd cheers)

How will President Adams respond to Mosquera's actions?

One man she will be listening to is former president Jack Preston,

author of the book Commie Bastards I Have Known,

and a leading authority on Caribbean affairs.

Tomorrow she'll be flying to California

for top-level consultations with the former president

in an attempt to defuse this potentially explosive situation

GUARD: Yes sir?

We have an appointment to see the former President of the United States.

Yes, sir. President Preston is expecting you. Right through there and to your left.

Thank you very much.

(Prisoners sing)

Hi.

- Madam President. - Mr President.

- Marv! - Ah!

Bill!

Great to see you again!

So, Mr President, how's life?

Oh... still serving it!

(Forced laughter)

Er... Mr President, I don't know if they let you see newspapers,

but we've been having some problems in the Caribbean.

I heard about that. Sure.

So far, our support for Mosquera has been iron clad.

Oh, he eats Commies for breakfast, right?

But Britain is our oldest ally in the world.

Sure, sure. Listen.

In my estimation, this is a whole dish of worms that could squeal antsy in the long ticket.

We need to hump out wide, hype up the squeak-bag,

before they screw down the jam box

Excuse me?

Always fox the grease monkeys.

They won't tango till you crack down the fish pot.

You can't risk hell shit with a bunch of lulu pig-suckers!

So, to give our support to Britain would be entirely...

- The only solution. - The only solution. Right.

You see, you can't empty your piss can...

till the heat's off the mugwump.

Always take down the gizmo and caveat the cranker, before...

Mr President... it's been an education.

A pleasure, madam.

Marv!

- Bill! - Mr President!

What a guy.

I can tell you that the President has persuaded both sides

to meet across the table, and these talks will take place in Miami tomorrow.

Ed Gardner, Tribune. Will the President be chairing these talks herself?

- No, there'll be no US presence. - Bob Sangster, Newsweek.

Does the President feel Maguadora can be persuaded to withdraw from British soil?

Oh, I think she's still hopeful.

- Yeah. - Ron Horrocks, Reader's Digest.

Has the President ever yearned to own a Handtool Guide to the Waterways of Manitoba?

Yes, well, when the talks broke for lunch, Bob,

what did the British Foreign Secretary have to say?

Well... did he seem like he was in a good mood?

Was he joking or laughing, or...?

When you say "walking with a stoop", Bob, how do you mean that, exactly?

TANOY: We remind guests that

while the international peace talks between Great Britain and Maguadora are taking place

security checks will be in operation

We apologise for any inconvenience

Hold it. What have you got in the trunk?

Oh, er... just a little merchandise.

Merchandise? What kind of merchandise?

Oh, just a few samples. See, I'm a travelling salesman.

Wanger's the name. Richard Milhous Wanger, of Wanger, Wimple and Wadi.

We're manufacturers of games and novelties. Probably you've heard of us.

No. Open the trunk.

Oh, you bet.

(Wanger whistles)

Boy, it sure is hot today, isn't it?

What is all this crap?

Duodenal Ulcer?

Yeah. That's one of our new executive games. Very popular in Madison Avenue.

Spunky Spaniel?

(Laughs) Yeah! Oh, he's a whole heap full of fun, sir.

See, you just put the batteries in here, clamp it on a friend's leg,

and away the little fella goes! It's all very er...

Uh-oh. Oh, my goodness...

Are you OK?

Er... no, it's nothing.

It's just a small bout of swamp fever!

(Gasping)

Got it at a Snoopy doll symposium in the Upper Congo. I'll be all right.

Well, what have you got here? Some kind of a security alert?

You got that right.

The Maguadora peace talks. Floors 7 through 15 are strictly off limits.

Yes. Off limits.

What's under this down here?

Er... (Coughs)

Oh, my God! My teeth are coming loose.

(Coughs)

I hope this isn't contagious. I wouldn't want anyone...

Oh, my God! Get this out of here. Jesus! Move it, move it, move it!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And stay on your own floor!

Next.

(Whirring and squeaking)

It doesn't look very hopeful, the sovereignty question.

Still, there may yet be a compromise formula we can find.

I've a feeling it's going to be a very long afternoon.

(Dog barks)

Hey, how ya doin', bro? Glad to know ya!

Who the hell are you? Where's Larry?

Oh, Larry's sick, man. Contracted hepatitis from a septic squeegee.

I've just been sent down here by the agency.

- Agency? - Yeah, Waxahachie Window Care.

High-rise maintenance in 47 states

and an equal-opportunity employer.

Jesus Christ.

No, no, my name is Nitz, man.

Conway Nitz III.

What's the matter with you?

Man, I forgot to introduce you to my dog, Happy.

Boy, I tell you, without this little labrador, I'd be blinder than a bug in a badger's back side.

Say, one of you guys help me into this cradle. We can burn some rubber on this glass.

Er... listen. I don't figure this at all. I'm going to call my boss. You stay right here.

Get some smokes!

(Clears throat) Sir...

(Tapping)

Right.

- Here, boy. (Dog growls)

Go.

(Barking)

I'll get the dog.

(Dog barks)

For God's sake, see if there's a doctor in the place.

Yes, sir.

Watch where you're going, you great retard.

Doctor...

You've had a very lucky break, gentlemen.

But for the fortuitous, rare chance I was in town,

lecturing on my new breakthrough in the culture of rabies vaccine...

...this could be embalming fluid being dabbed on.

Yes...

Now...

If you'll all just hold perfectly still...

I'll prepare the hypodermics...

Well, all finished now, thank you.

If you could have the payment sent to me at this address, please.

Penis is the name. Dr Theseus Lyndon Penis.

I accept all major credit cards.

Gentlemen.

The British delegation have had time to consider our proposals.

They have formulated their official response?

I'm sure they have, gentlemen.

Is the CIA sure of these facts?

They say the Santa Maya peace talks were deliberately sabotaged

by this mercenary, Lacrobat,

"to provoke a war in the Caribbean, and assist a major arms contract

between Maguadora and the American weapons company Nevada Technics."

Let's just pray to God the press doesn't get a hold of this one.

Here is a late newsflash A top-secret report issued by the CIA

reveals that the Santa Maya peace talks were sabotaged by the mercenary Lacrobat,

to provoke a war in the Caribbean and assist a major arms contract

between Maguadora and the American weapons company Nevada Technics.

Lacrobat is the world's most wanted terrorist,

and his methods, though bizarre, are terrifyingly effective.

He's already wanted for 27 major international crimes,

including six assassinations and the recipe for airline lunches,

and the news that he's once again at large in the West is bound to be a cause for concern.

I'll be talking to President Adams about the Nevada Technics scandal

live on the phone, from the Oval Office, in just a moment.

This is suicide, Marv.

There's nothing to worry about, madam. Mr Sweetzer's here.

Fine. Good!

Who the hell's Mr Sweetzer?

Madam, this report claims Nevada Technics used a hit man, Lacrobat,

to wreck the peace process in order to grease a major arms deal.

Oh... well, I wouldn't put too much reliance on that...

And if that's true, Nevada Technics would have a lot to answer for, wouldn't they?

Oh, well, yes, of course, but...

Madam President, you are, of course, married to the chairman of Nevada Technics.

Yes... well, as you know... as you may know...

my husband is away at present

on business in Australia, and I wouldn't want to pre-empt anything...

OK, Mr Sweetzer.

...no, I don't mean that...

(Mimics interference)

Oh...

(Fizzing and screeching)

Pardon me, madam...

(Crackles and squeaks)

Well, I'm afraid the... line appears to be breaking up.

We'll get back to that one later on.

ADAMS: Well hell Gerry it's your company Find out who hired this lunatic

Our press over here has been worse than the Manson family got

Plus, our prot�g� in the Caribbean

decides to open a new branch of Gestapo Ltd. in the country next door.

And now the British Prime Minister is about to play with his toy boats down there,

which presents the West with a small dilemma, to say the least...

Well, I miss you too, Superman.

Finish your work and hurry home soon. OK?

OK, honey.

Bye-bye for now.

(Shouting) You show them, Sir Mortimer!

Someone was out to wreck the peace conference

There's no doubt about that.

They succeeded. Mosquera refuses even to discuss Santa Maya any more.

He... he may change his mind, of course. International opinion is totally against him.

But he's a very determined man.

And so am I, gentlemen. Make no mistake about that.

What's more, the people are behind me.

According to the wireless today, my current popularity rating

is higher than any other national leader in peacetime.

Astonishing.

- It does demonstrate confidence in our policies. (Crowd cheers)

(Crowd falls silent) - And we didn't win at Dunkirk by running away.

- Santa Maya must be liberated... (Crowd cheers)

- (Crowd falls silent) - We shall use every means at our disposal...

(Cheering then silence)

...even diplomacy, should it ever come to that,

because peace is the greatest thing that any man can fight for.

- And fight we shall. (Cheering)

- Fight, until victory is finally ours. (Cheering)

Darling!

Darling...

Darling where are you?

In here, darling.

- Did you get the strawberry jam? - No...

I... I didn't get it.

Oh, Dickie, you went into the village specially.

What am I going to give the rector for tea when he...?

Dickie? There's something wrong?

Wrong?

Well...

Not really, old thing. Nothing to get in a tizzy over.

You'll hear soon enough.

It looks as if there's going to be a bit of a scrap in the Caribbean.

They're sending a task force down to get the Maguos out of Santa Maya.

- Dickie...! - This telegram was waiting at the post office.

Everyone's to report to Portsmouth by six o'clock tonight.

Tonight? But...

Oh, God.

Chin up, now. It won't be so bad.

One... knows one's duty, and...

I'm not afraid. I'll see it through.

I'm not scared.

Of course not. You're not the one that's got to go.

No, I know. Just as well, really. I get damnably seasick.

I suppose you'll be wanting your uniform back, then.

(Cheering)

Oh, I'll miss him!

~ Land Of Hope And Glory

(Two-note whistle)

(Wolf-whistling)

Point the gun at the General.

That's it smile

Ah, this is going to be great!

Now show us what you think

Get out of my way!

For Christ's sake! What the hell's going on here?

Get these... women covered up.

And get these two cretins out of here... before I call the police!

Sir! Sir!

What is it?

I think you'd better take a look at this.

Oh, my God!

They've finally done it.

They've finally done the unthinkable.

157 warships, I would call a slight overreaction to the problem, Marv.

- We don't need this sabre-rattling. - Absolutely, madam.

Any chance of getting Mosquera back to the talks?

Well, after what happened in Miami, I guess he's not feeling too talkative any more.

~ Hail To The Chief

(Cheering)

Two countries get worked up over a banana plantation, and we've got to clean up...

PROTESTOR: US support for the fascist...

Aaaargh!

We must keep the peace process alive...

Death to the Nazi junta! Aaaargh!

I want a session with both ambassadors as soon as we're in Washington.

Welcome to Jacksonville, Florida...

Two more days and we shall be in the Caribbean.

From here on, I want every ship in this fleet,

every sailor, every soldier, put on red alert.

We're about to enter a potential battle zone.

Sir... a dispatch just in from London.

Buckingham Palace?

It's Princess Wendy. They want her transferred off HMS Shropshire and onto this ship.

In secret, to foil the enemy.

Bastards! They should never have let her come in the first place.

This task force needs a Royal Princess in the Wrens

like an outbreak of typhus!

Not at all, Your Royal Highness. We're delighted to have you aboard.

Basically, one wants to be treated like any other ordinary nursing officer. You understand.

No fuss or favours.

Absolutely not, ma'am. Of course.

This is your cabin.

Thank you.

(Sighs)

If those two medical experiments from the press get wind of this, we've had it.

It'll be like throwing raw meat to a pack of jackals.

Don't worry, sir. We'll keep Her Royal Highness well under wraps.

They won't even know she's on board.

- Argh! - As I thought, Your Highness.

Strangulated hernia in the groin. It'll have to be surgery.

Shave him, would you, ma'am? I'll be back in five minutes.

(Squeaking)

(Squeaking)

(Squeaking)

Aaaargh!

- Aargh! - Aaaargh!

- Aaaargh! - Oh, my God.

It's not the fact, gentlemen, that one of my soldiers has just been horribly castrated

by a member of Britain's Royal Family.

It is not even the fact that, in the blind panic that followed,

a pair of Liptons tea bags were erroneously sewn back into the patient's scrotum...

...and not discovered until three hours later, when someone was rinsing out the teapot.

No, gentlemen.

This was the real coup de gr�ce.

This dispatch I found not ten minutes ago in the wire room.

"Holy chopped meat! Princess Wendy went whittling with a razor yesterday

and had a ball.

Yes, sirree. Another young soldier waved goodbye to his loved ones,

as Her Royal Highness went crazy with the cut-throat

during a routine pre-op shave on Britain's flagship HMS Lion,

where she was secretly transferred..."

Oh, holy godfathers! Is there any more classified information you'd like to broadcast to the world?

You are a liability to every man and woman in this fleet,

and I'm having you put off this ship at the next island we come to!

I hope they whip the ass off you!

Lousy, stinking mothers.

Jesus!

(Groans)

The main stories this Friday evening.

Edna Burkavitz, the woman who secured a lock of Frank Sinatra's hair in 1955,

has today sold it back to him for an undisclosed sum.

And as the British task force steams south for the Caribbean,

hopes are fading for a peaceful end to the Santa Maya crisis. Details shortly.

Madam President.

What is it, Marv?

Priority Alpha, from the Pentagon.

Let me have it.

Santa Maya, madam. British fleet just got in,

50 miles off the coast, and was fired on by a Maguadoran destroyer.

I mean, all hell's gonna break loose down there any minute.

Patch me through to London and Maguador City.

Right, ma'am. If anybody can stop them going to war, it's the President of the United States.

(Explosions)

~ Land Of Hope And Glory

(Cheering)

Thank you very much.

How are you?

I recognise you.

MAN Well done!

From what I gather, President Adams was not a little miffed.

Apparently, the White House wanted us all to go on talking.

Huh! Talk about giving a man on the guillotine an aspirin!

(Laughter)

Until Maguadora recognises Britain's right to sovereignty,

there can be no question of pulling out our troops.

- Absolutely. - It would be madness.

And now to another... equally serious problem.

The record level of unemployment.

Now, some people argue that this crisis is the result

of government mismanagement and underspending.

They could not be more wrong.

Hear! Hear!

Because we all know what really causes unemployment in this country, don't we?

Unemployment in this country is caused by pixies.

I don't mean the nice, ordinary ones, who sit on toadstools,

playing a whistle.

I'm talking about the nasty, evil, malevolent pixies,

the tiny green ones with the black, pointy beards,

who go around our factories - and we've all seen them -

who go around our factories, casting their wicked spells,

and bringing about mass redundancies

on a scale not witnessed since the Great Depression.

(Coughs) Erm...

When did you actually form this theory, Prime Minister?

Well, to be perfectly honest, Nigel,

the pieces only really sort of jelled in my mind, so to speak, last weekend.

I was visiting a factory in Stockport.

Hundreds had lost their jobs, and small wonder. The place was crawling with them.

With erm... pixies?

Yeah, pixies, sprites, elfin folk.

All manner of goblinry.

Certainly opened my eyes, I can tell you. That's why I've launched this new campaign.

I see.

What campaign?

The Stamp Out Evil Pixies campaign.

The public have got to be educated on this one, Nigel.

Mostly, they're about seven inches tall, and they get in through the air vents.

Now, the worst type of all... are the invisible ones.

Our support for Sir Mortimer Chris remains unequivocal.

When the Prime Minister talks of er...

pixies... he is clearly using the term in a metaphorical sense,

to er... denote disruptive elements within British industry.

How do you explain the fact

that he has just set up an Anti-Goblin Unit to bait them with gingerbread traps?

I think that's enough questions for today, gentlemen.

He's brainwashed the entire country. He's gone stark, staring, raving...

- Morning. - Morning, Prime Minister.

Sorry I'm late, gentlemen. Nest of leprechauns in the bread bin.

Right. Down to business.

Good. Well, having established the root causes of the stagnation in the country,

what we need now is a radical job-creation programme.

Now, I've devised one here

that will create half a million new jobs in its first year of operation.

Basically, the scheme works like this.

Every week, 10,000 working people

jump off a cliff, thus creating 10,000 new jobs.

I've drawn up a white paper here, gentlemen, if you'd care to cast your eyes over it.

(Cheering)

Well, I think he's bloody marvellous.

He brought us through the war, and I think he can do the same for the economy.

(Cheering)

I am. I'm proud to leap to my certain death for Britain. Hooray!

Bye! Well done.

Hello. How are you?

- I'm fine, sir. - Jolly good. What do you do?

Well, I'm in industrial engineering, sir.

Oh, that's super. We can certainly do with a lot more vacancies there.

Did you get everything you want? Shall I give this one a push?

- Ooh! - Good for you? Good for you? Good for me.

There we are. A little push. How's that?

Aaaargh!

(Thud) - Ah, right. OK. Next.

They do add up.

It may seem a little severe, but it's always the horrid-tasting medicine that does the most good.

Right. That's it.

This has gone on quite long enough.

I've had all I can take.

Who are you ringing?

ADAMS: Let me see if I have this straight here

You're telling me that the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom -

the man who has his finger on Britain's nuclear trigger,

the man to whom we have promised complete, unconditional support,

in anything he says or does -

is clinically insane?

That's a pretty fair summary.

From what the Foreign Secretary has told us, and from our own intelligence,

there appears to be... little doubt.

You're telling me

that the entire population of Great Britain went and elected

a deranged psychotic to the highest office of the land...

...again?

OK. OK.

Send him in.

Mr Virgil Grodd, madam, from the CIA Directorate of Plans.

He comes highly recommended

This is a very delicate matter. It requires a man with special qualities.

You'll not find me lacking in tenacity, madam.

I have trained my body to endure any level of pain by sheer willpower.

I can place my genitalia into a burning candle flame without flinching once.

Er... that's a very... useful discipline, I'm sure, Mr Grodd, but I don't think we...

we have... no.

I have a candle here, if you'd like to see.

Er... no, Mr Grodd.

Perhaps we could concentrate on the reason for which we called you in.

Yes, you want me to eliminate the Prime Minister of...

Mr Grodd, I, as President, have no knowledge of whatever it is I've called you in to do.

Naturally. I fully understand,

and I've taken the liberty of drawing up a provisional plan of operations here.

In approximately three hours, I and two Cuban agents will board a plane for London,

and check into a small hotel close to Whitehall.

At 0900 hours,

we circulate rigged Polaroids of the Prime Minister in an unnatural act with a horse.

Fine. Mr Grodd, I think I've heard enough of the details for now.

As a diversion to the media, we engineer an outbreak of herpes in the Royal Family,

- and as soon as Her Majesty checks in... - Mr Grodd!

Thank God. I was starting to think this place was deserted.

TANNO Y: (Russian accent) Howdy-doody pals

May we remind all vacationers of today's special activities

Relax and enjoy swimming running gymnastics and tractor maintenance

with our many smiling instructresses

Plus tonight in the Malibu Ballroom compulsory disco dancing

(Bell)

- Can I help you, gentlemen? - Hi. We're members of the press,

here on an international fact-finding tour in the Caribbean.

Could we have a room here for a few nights?

Unfortunately, all of our rooms are completely taken.

We are at the very peak of our tourist season.

Listen. I need to make a couple of phone calls.

I am afraid that we do not have a single telephone on the island.

Oh... out of order.

All the lines were damaged in the er... monsoon.

- Monsoon? - Grain shortage... earthquake.

Earthquake? Look...

As I said... sir...

this sunshine paradise is very popular with your American holiday visitors.

Come this way, please.

And this... this is the dining room.

TANNO Y: We regret to announce that all our dining tables are as booked up as can be

Today's mouth-watering menu: Molotov cocktail, Gulag Archipelago burger...

(Clinking of cutlery and thuds)

As you can see, we are full right up at the moment.

All the hotels on this booming-trade tourist paradise

are completely booked.

Take a gander, pally.

TANNO Y: There is an 18-month waiting list to use the lavatory

We could not fit in a single extra body.

So, as you can see, gentlemen, you have no alternative

but to hire a boat back to the mainland at once.

But please tell all your friends about our flourishing holiday industry.

The way out is just over there. OK...

TANNOY: We regret to announce that tonight's beach party and weenie roast

- has been cancelled due to an avalanche - Thanks a million, kiddo!

And limbo dancing under the roadblocks is strictly forbidden Thank you

Na zdorovye.

(Sizzling)

That's very impressive, Mr Grodd.

Thank you, sir.

And now to business, gentlemen.

This is an exact replica of the Prime Minister's bath oil.

Scratch down the side. Harrod's price tag. Worn gold on the cap right here.

We know he uses this every morning. Tomorrow, things will be a little different.

Concentrated trioxalic acid. Dissolves solid steel in 15 seconds.

As soon as he steps into his bathtub... sssss.

Like a snowman in a sauna bath

Now, the main... Are you OK?

Excuse me.

(Vomits)

I suppose there's no other answer.

He's got to go.

There's no way this operation can fail, Mr Sumpter.

You have my personal guarantee.

(Humming)

(Sizzling)

(Siren)

(Hums tune)

Ah, Nigel, Michael. Lovely to see you. Come on in.

You're looking surprisingly well, Prime Minister, considering the erm...

Well, I'll live, Nigel.

Yes...

What do you think?

Had it done by microsurgery.

British medicine's the finest in the world. But I'll tell you one thing.

It's a good job I didn't sit down in that bath. Ha-ha!

(Laughs) Yes. How very lucky that was.

Can't imagine who'd want to do that. Can you?

Well, I do know one thing.

I'll find out.

Apple?

I have failed you, gentlemen, but have no fear. I know exactly what to do now.

(Fires)

(Groans)

There was something distinctly odd about this place that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Hey! Careful what you're doing.

Yet, the more I thought about it...

the more a strange theory started to form in my mind.

Hello again!

Hi there. Hey, this is Mr McDonald's,

another genuine vacationer.

This afternoon, Mr McDonald's is returning in his private boat to the mainland,

and would be pleased to give you both a ride.

So, thanks a heap, kids. See you later, alligator.

(Whispers) On your feet. We're going to take a little walk.

"Tinkerbell's Floral Wonderland?"

Come on. Give me a hand.

(Birds screech and squawk)

God Almighty!

There was no doubt about it. This obscure little island was no tourist haven.

It was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile base, right on America's doorstep.

If this doesn't get me the Pulitzer prize, nothing will.

Come on, Slim. Let's move it.

Hey, come on. Wake up.

(Gasping)

It's now two weeks since British forces recaptured Santa Maya,

liberating its population of 7^50 from Maguadoran rule.

And with 48,000 troops now permanently based in the country,

to guard against future attack,

General Mosquera appears finally to have abandoned his designs

on this tiny Central American territory.

You are sure you can secure for us the services of this man... Lacrobat, Mr...?

Nebuchadnezzar.

Harrison Hindenburg Nebuchadnezzar.

Personal management of the world's leading international terrorists.

Yes.

My client, Mr Lacrobat,

has many prior commitments at the moment.

However, you tell me what you are proposing, and I'll tell you whether or not he's available.

We need his help to get the British out of Santa Maya quickly,

before our people turn against us.

Yeah, I see. You realise, of course,

that Mr Lacrobat's fees are not inconsiderable?

The money is no object. We would sell our grandmothers for such a man.

(Shouting)

Gentlemen, I think we have a deal.

With this Lacrobat's help,

Santa Maya will once again be ours.

~ Soldier boy, don't point that thing at me

~ Left and right, we've got to work all night

~ My mama never told me I'd be in a fight

~ I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul

~ I'd lay down anything I was told

~ Because we're out here trying hard to do our best

~ It's pretty plain for all to see

~ So, just be careful, soldier boy

~ Don't point that thing, point that thing

~ Point that thing at me

(Cheering)

~ Left and right, we've got to work all night

~ My mama never told me I'd be in a fight

~ I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul

~ I'd lay down anything I was told

(Cheering)

COMPERE: Now here's the man with the Mesmer eyes Ed Rosario!

(Booing)

Yes? What do you want?

Well, come on. Identify yourself.

Right.

Oh, God!

Hi, there. Looking for me?

Listen

You don't recognise America's greatest illusionist?

Johnny Brainiac...

Master of Magic

The man who made Hollywood Boulevard vanish beneath a silk handkerchief.

The man who once made the Senate Foreign Relations Committee appear

inside a tuna fish salad.

See, I'm here to baffle and bewilder your countrymen

with a small performance from my repertoire.

Now, if you will excuse me, I've got to go through and set up for my act.

I can't let you do that, sir. Otherwise...

Well, what have we here?

My letter of accreditation.

I'll have to take a look in the truck first.

OK. When I snap my fingers...

...you will become a chicken.

- (Laughter) - A loud, squawking...

chicken.

You will be in a real panic.

The whole place will be on fire for you. Smoke everywhere.

You will suddenly become very sexy.

(Cheering)

You will do a striptease. You will be sensational.

All right. Are you ready? Here we go.

(Snaps finger)

~ Stripper music

Fire!

There's a fire!

- Cluck-cluck-cluck! - A fire! Smoke everywhere!

What's he doing... Fire! There's smoke everywhere!

Fire! Fire!

- Cluck-cluck-cluck. - What's he doing? Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Get the fire team!

- Cluck! - Fire!

All right, Harry. Time for a cup... Eh?

(Screams) Sarge!

Ladies and gentlemen,

for my first trick, I shall require the assistance of a member of the Royal Family.

(Laughter)

A princess, perhaps.

Come along, ma'am.

I'm hopeless!

(Cheering)

Now we have a lovely princess

we must have... a palace!

(Gasps of surprise)

If the Princess will join me inside.

One!

723 Two!

Stop! Stop him! That man's no magician.

Three!

Oh, my God!

Quick. Search that elephant.

Yes. Yes, Your Majesty. I shall leave no stone unturned.

I'm discharging myself now and assuming complete control.

Whoever is guilty of this heinous atrocity will pay dearly.

You may depend on that.

Since, at the time of the kidnapping, I was personally indisposed in hospital,

my two cabinet colleagues, Mr Sumpter and Mr Lipman,

were technically responsible for the safety and security of the Princess.

Mr Sumpter and Mr Lipman are honourable men,

and within the last 24 hours,

they've each submitted to me a written request to be publicly crucified,

and with great regret, I've had to accept their requests. Thank you.

(Cheering)

"An estimated crowd of 100,000 witnessed the event

and throughout the day, all national TV programmes were blacked out,

and replaced with sombre music."

Well, I guess we sit tight now and pray he doesn't do anything rash.

The man just held a public crucifixion at Wembley Stadium!

Well, he certainly has moved to the right politically.

(Phone rings)

So, Mosquera hired Lacrobat to kidnap Wendy.

But why? And what happens next?

- Excuse me, madam. - What?

- There's a special message for you. - Yes?

Well...

it's in the form of a Rambo-gram, madam.

Excuse me?

Send him in.

(To the tune of John Brown's Body)

~ I have for you a message here from Mr Lacrobat

~ He has sent an ul... timatum just to tell you where it's at

~ If the British don't pull out their troops in 84 hours flat

~ Princess Wendy will be killed

Get on the phone...

~ Princess Wendy will be killed, yeah

~ Her head, with lead it will be filled, yeah

~ Her royal blood, it will be spilled

~ If the Brits don't shift their ass

(Gun rattles)

84 hours! That's what? Saturday, midnight.

Marv, tear the Caribbean apart.

Drag the North Atlantic, if you have to, but find her.

Gather round, everybody!

See what I've got here! Something that will excite your imagination.

Yes, indeed. Step right up.

I'm sure that you and your partner will enjoy a thrilling adventure, to excite...

Break it up, now, folks. Move along.

Come on Move along

Move along there. Come on.

Thank you. That's it. Now, come on.

Come on, Sheriff!

Couldn't you prevail upon them to stay for just a moment?

I still have three more boxes of whistling condoms to dispense.

Just what the shit are you messin' at with this fancy wagon, boy?

We've got a respectable town here, and I ain't...

- Whistling condoms? - That's correct sir

Dr Hans Janker's whistling condoms

are the very first contraceptives to play a tune upon ejaculation.

They come in seven different melodies, and so can you.

Pedro The Fisherman, Sabre Dance, Sparky's Magic Piano, Big Rock Candy...

All right! All right.

Now, just who in the hell are you, anyhow?

February's the name, sir. Roderick Jesus February.

Mobile suppliers of sexual requisites in the state of Florida for eight decades.

Ah! A most discerning choice, sir.

The blow-up sheep.

Blow-up what?

It's a brand-new addition to our wide range of inflatables.

Especially designed for the farming community.

The deluxe model has three holes,

which makes it ideal for parties,

and, of course, if you wish to hear it climax...

(Bleating)

Jesus H Christ!

- Give me your hands. - Ah, so that's where your tastes lie, huh?

Now, you should have specified.

You see, we are the nation's foremost supplier of top-quality bondage accoutrements.

As you can see, my beautiful assistant Wendy

is wearing the latest in our corporal restraint collection.

Note how the twin-tied Indian hemp with triple-bonded padlocks and nipple grips

resist even the fiercest struggle,

while the moulded latex muzzle is guaranteed three years against teeth bites.

Holy Gideon!

If I ain't seen enough dirt here to run you in and throw the whole goddamn book at you,

my name ain't Maxton S Pluck, County Sheriff.

Now, er... Sheriff, let's not be so hasty, hm?

I'm sure that we can work out some little... arrangement. Hm?

(Wendy tries to talk)

WOMAN: Maxton, this is so unlike you!

Ooh! Ohh!

(Condom plays Sabre Dance)

There now follows a special broadcast by the Prime Minister

the Right Honourable Sir Mortimer Chris MP

Good evening. Tonight, as I speak to you, we face the gravest crisis in our nation's history.

Tonight our fairy-tale princess is at the mercy of the enemy

She whose beauty charm and vivacious good humour

endeared her to millions the world over

she who with selfless disregard for her own safety

joined our gallant forces to fight for freedom against a foreign foe

has been cruelly and savagely prised from our bosom

The time has come to act.

In a situation such as we face today,

a prime minister has to be resolute.

But you can't be resolute without showing you're strong,

and you can't show you're strong without blowing people up.

General Mosquera has threatened to carry out his execution

at 5am, our time, on Sunday.

I shall now respond with an ultimatum of my own.

Unless Her Royal Highness Princess Wendy is returned to us,

alive and unharmed, by that time,

I will have no choice but to authorise the use of nuclear weapons

on the capital city of Maguadora.

It may sound harsh,

but I'm sure you'll understand.

There is no alternative.

(Heart monitor beeps slowly)

(In Russian)

We are in a terrible crisis.

The British imperialists...

are preparing a nuclear strike on our capital.

(Monitor beeps rapidly)

(Continuous bleep)

Vot, vot. Poskoreye.

Yeshche raz poprobuyem. Bystro! Bystro!

(Continuous bleep)

Teper'.

- Krutitye-to. (Motor revs up)

- Yeshche raz. (Motor)

Yeshche raz. Kruchaytye sto raz!

(Motor revs)

(Rapid beeping resumes)

He has taken the news very badly.

Madam President, there are rumours

circulating around Washington this morning that General Mosquera

has just made a military pact with the Soviets,

and that Russia would now back Mosquera against the UK

in any nuclear exchange.

(Laughs) Oh, well! I don't know where you heard that.

- From the Chief of the Defence Staff. - Yes, that is correct. Yes.

And all because one man, this Lacrobat,

not only foiled your attempts to avoid war in the first place,

but is now preparing to assassinate a British princess in 36 hours' time,

which in turn will trigger a major nuclear disaster down in the Caribbean.

The whole world is asking the question:

Why haven't you caught this man?

Yes, indeed...

and I'm glad to be able to answer that question

basically because...

(Mimics crackling static)

I seem to... er... let me...

(Screeching and gurgling)

This is the Network News, Washington. I'm Dan Hickey. Good evening.

Opinion polls in Britain show the population overwhelmingly behind their government's threat

to launch a nuclear attack on Maguador City,

unless their favourite Royal, Princess Wendy, is returned alive and well by midnight, Saturday.

Opposition leader Mr Gerald Whibley did briefly question the Prime Minister on the decision

in the House of Commons this afternoon, and was immediately denounced as a witch.

Detectives acting on Sir Mortimer's instructions searched Mr Whibley's house in North London,

and found a series of broomsticks and a tall, pointed hat.

President Adams has dismissed suggestions

that the Soviet Union might launch a retaliatory strike,

since the Russians have no capacity for tactical nuclear exchange in the Caribbean.

And now the rest of the news.

The body of an American journalist who sailed with the task force to Santa Maya

was today found floating in the sea off Louisiana.

How he got there

and the circurmstances of his death remain a mystery

Come on.

RECORDED VOICE: Hey! Careful what you're doing

The more I thought about it

the more a strange theory began to form in my mind

There was no doubt about it This obscure little island was no tourist haven

It was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile base

right here on America's doorstep

Sorry to call you down at this hour, madam,

but this represents a major escalation of the crisis.

A Soviet theatre capability in the Caribbean.

This could blow the whole thing wide open.

Did you contact Marv?

- He said he'd be right down - Hey, I just heard.

We'll have to lay this on the line for Chris now. We only have 25 hours.

Bill, have them saddle up Air Force One. I'm flying out to London tonight.

I would like an early call at 6:30, please. I have to be at the airport.

Also, I would like croissants and confiture,

and dark-roasted coffee

Put the luggage in my room, please.

Holy shit. What is that thing?

Some kind of gorilla you've got? Get that out of here!

Uncultured scum. This beast is a fine... Quiet, Princess!

Let go of me, you fool!

Now look what you've done. You've upset her.

Listen. Once I've given her her Valium suppository...

- Uh? ...she will be no trouble at all, I assure you.

Listen. You ain't bringing no monkey into this hotel.

I see. And suppose I ask you to...

reconsider, huh?

Hmm...

(Scraping)

(Dramatic music on TV)

TV: Send the riot squad! Kong just escaped!

(Screaming)

(Screams)

(Grunting)

(Wailing)

CAPTAIN: London time is 6:30am,

and we'll be landing in Heathrow Airport in about 40 minutes from now.

(Low chatter)

(Snoring)

(Groans and wheezes)

(Groans)

What is it?

I don't know how you can do it.

Sorry, sir?

I don't know how you can sleep when we're only 24 hours away from a nuclear war.

Sorry, sir.

Christ Almighty. What are we doing?

Just obeying orders, sir.

Hello. How are you? Very nice to see you.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Look this way. - Good trip over? Thank you. Thank you.

Er... yes, yes.

The Soviet Ambassador has made it quite clear

that no way will his government tolerate the first use of nuclear weapons.

The second you release that Trident on Maguador City tomorrow morning,

they'll let loose with everything they've got!

They have enough firepower on that island to blow your entire fleet to hell and back,

and then we'll be into a superpower face-off!

So, surely you can see that nobody's life, not even that of a member of the Royal Family,

is worth a global holocaust.

Well, I'm sorry you feel about it that way, Barbara.

I never took you for a pinko.

Obviously I was mistaken

You see, we in this Conservative Government have always believed

that it's totally immoral to waste billions of pounds on nuclear bombs that are never used.

Erm... but...

where is the sanity in vaporising millions of totally innocent people?

Well, it shut Japan up, didn't it?

Khorosho, tovarishchi. Khorosho.

It is all a game of bluff, General. Nothing more.

And we hold all the cards.

It is vital that we stand our ground now.

You're right.

Nuclear war is unthinkable.

Once it has started... no-one can win.

I know what you're going to say, Barbara.

Nuclear war is unthinkable, because, once it's started, no-one can win.

Well, you're wrong.

You see, I've already taken all the precautions necessary

to protect my people against nuclear attack.

Precautions?

Naturally, I've had to keep this all very hush-hush, as you'll understand.

I think I can say that British technology has come up with a real winner.

How about that?

This provides complete protection against thermo-nuclear explosions

up to 20 megatons.

And it's cheap - a pound. We've given the contract to a firm in Milton Keynes,

and they're churning them out by the truckload even as I speak.

There you have it.

Er... but, surely...

...it's just an umbrella?

(Booing)

ADAMS: No it's all wrong

We're combing Central America for him. That's not the way he operates.

He gets a real kick out of taunting us.

We've got to think the way he thinks.

Now, if you were Lacrobat,

and you'd kidnapped a British princess,

where would you hide her?

(Chuckling)

So lifelike! You could almost believe it was her.

How could anyone want to harm such a darling creature?

I hope they burn in hell.

Come along, ladies.

We close in ten minutes.

With just eight hours to go before Britain carries out a nuclear strike on the capital of Maguadora

thousands of panicking citizens are attempting to flee the city

Meanwhile the Prime Minister took time off today to visit the London Wax Museum

where his new waxworks image was unveiled

- Madam, we've just... - The wax museum.

Air Force One is standing by, madam, to return to Washington.

The way the situation is, we've got to get you back to the nuclear shelter.

Sure.

Wax museum? No. Dumb idea.

This is Trident. Preparing to release in... 57 minutes.

All officers and men will remain below decks until the effects of the airburst have subsided

We repeat this is not an exercise

All primed and correct, sir. We're ready to go in 57 minutes from now.

They could still find her, sir,

with a bit of luck.

Luck?

What the world needs now is a miracle.

(Screams)

He was shot with a 357 Magnum ma'am like the guard Lacrobat killed in Santa Maya

That has to be it. It has to be.

(Tyres screech)

(Siren)

All right, my sons!

(Whistle)

(General shouting)

All right, my lads. Now, we know Lacrobat's in this building, and he's got the Princess.

Dennis, the grappling irons.

Desmond, the heavy-duty grenades.

Duncan, the land mines.

Desmond, put your fucking tiara on straight.

Right. Once you get inside...

- Can I bring the tiger? - No, you can't bring the fucking tiger!

It's more trouble than it's worth. You leave it in the van.

Right. All those in camouflage,

take up positions inconspicuously all over the building.

If you see anything suspicious, contact me by radio.

Go!

Everybody else, come with me to the Royal Gallery,

where we believe Princess Wendy has been placed in a comatose condition.

OK. Now, then...

- Are there any questions? - Where do babies come from?

(Ticking)

Community policing!

Desmond, check for unexploded bombs. Donald, make those fucking pictures safe!

Vandalise the doors to the lavatory. Good, good, good.

(Grunting)

(Blows whistle) All right, my boys...

All right, my boys.

Dennis, the bag.

Right.

- I want everybody... - Please, sarge, my foot's stuck.

Oh, Christ! Who's got the saw?

- Here, sarge. - All right. Off you go.

(Blows whistle) Right.

We've made it into the foyer...

Please, sarge. How do we get tickets?

What did you say, Douglas?

How do we get tickets?

What the fuck are you talking about? "How do we get tickets?"

We're the fucking SAS!

Use your Sten gun and break into the kiosk, for fuck's sake!

Go!

Fire!

You're a bastard! You're a bastard!

Right. Stop!

Douglas, go!

All right my lads Here we go

Thanks, Doug.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go, go, go, go!

Good. Very nice.

All right, my lads. If we're all ready...

Donald, you stupid fucking prick! I meant saw the door off.

- Christ Almighty. What a wanker! - Sorry, sarge.

Right, my lads.

Now, the three main things to remember here are vigilance, caution and accuracy.

What are vigilance, caution and accuracy the three main?

ALL: Things to remember.

Right, my lads.

- You all got tickets? - Yeah!

Right, then. Into the lift.

Fuck! Dinsdale...

(Snorts) Open the fucking doors!

They're jammed on the inside sarge

He says they're jammed on the inside. All right, my lads!

You bastards!

You callous, brutal bastards!

He was the best man at my wedding.

He's dead now, sarge.

I know he's dead now, Douglas!

I can spot a fucking stiff when it falls out of a lift.

Christ Al-fucking-mighty!

(Vomits)

Right. Let's go.

Go! Go! Go! Go in the lift.

Go! Go!

All right. The ram.

(Blows whistle)

Go!

Push! Push them in the lift! Push them all.

Push them in the fucking lift! Keep pushing, Douglas.

Push. Push them in... Do what I'm telling you.

Khorosho. Khorosho.

Er... pozvoni.

Poprositye k telefonu, pozhaluysta,

nachal'nika Tinkerbell's Floral Wonderland.

Go Get Princess Wendy

There she is.

Got her, sarge.

The fate of the world is at stake. Use subtlety and discretion wherever possible.

Think it through my boys All right my sons

Uh?

Uh?

Oh.

So that's theirs

That's George VI

That's

That's Archduke Ferdinand.

That's Desmond. That's ours.

And that's Haile Selassie.

No, that's Denzil, sarge.

Oh, yeah, so it is. He's had his hair cut!

(Chuckles) Right.

How many does that make?

We lost 11 men...

but the dummies lost 28!

And what about Lacrobat?

- Erm... - I didn't see him.

I don't think he was here, was he, lads?

Didn't see him nowhere, sarge.

Me too.

He must have been somewhere else.

You fucking bunch of dickheads!

Y^ou mean to say

we lost 11 men, fighting a group of waxworks?

I don't fucking believe it!

Anyway, the main thing is, we got her out safely, before he had a chance to...

What in the name of fuck is that?

It's a wax dummy.

Yes, I can see that, Dominic. I didn't think it was a seven-foot-long bogey.

Oh, Denzil's had his hair cut.

Yes...

'Ere sarge

(Machine bleeps) - I'm picking up something on the bomb detector.

Yeshche pyat' minut.

Otpishitye kod.

I nachnitye schet.

(Bleeping)

(Ticking)

SAS COMMANDER: Don't move anybody

Everybody absolutely still

Get the bomb-disposal guys.

(Blows whistle)

Right. We have got... nine minutes!

Right. Donald and Darryl, get her outside to the van. Quick.

Douglas, stick their heads in a sack and get them posted back to their widows.

And get the addresses right this time.

And somebody get all this mess cleared up.

I think she's OK, Darryl.

I think she's coming round now. Darryl?

What the fuck are you...?

Aaaargh!

(Wendy moans)

(Growls)

Aaaargh!

Donald, if I've told you about that fucking thing once, I've told you a thousand fucking times!

All finished, sarge...

There we go. One for you. One for you.

And what about you, little girl?

Would you like one of these to keep off that nasty old mushroom cloud?

Yes, of course you would.

You promise to vote Conservative when you grow up?

- Yes. - Good little girl.

Now, then. Let's see. How did you vote last time?

Liberal Party. Oh, dear. What a shame.

Never mind. Never mind. Never mind.

Ah. These look like a nice Conservative family.

Good morning to you all.

Just take one of those.

What you do is stick it up, sit underneath, and then you'll be as right as ninepence.

All right?

Now, some more over here, aren't there? Yes, this is very jolly, isn't it?

Hello. Good morning.

Got your umbrellas for you.

Very simple to use. Just stick it up in the air, and...

Aren't these lovely little things? So simple, yet so effective.

(Ringing)

Well, where in hell is he?

I don't care. Put me through!

Understood. Aye-aye, sir.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

She's safe, Prime Minister!

They found her just a few minutes ago. She's alive and safe.

You can call off the nuclear attack.

What? I'm sorry.

(lnterference crackles)

Sir Mortimer...

Did you hear me?

- It's no good. I... - (Squawking and gurgling)

I can't... I can't hear a thing.

- Hello? - Yes, I'll have to hang up.

(Crowds cheer)

Switch me through to the Commander of the task force in Santa Maya.

Christ Almighty!

(Buzzer)

Hold everything!

Do you hear me?

This is President Adams speaking from Air Force One.

We have found Princess Wendy.

Do not fire the missile. Do you hear me?

The crisis is over.

Sir, what do we do?

What do I tell them, sir?

Sir, what do I tell them?

Sir?

Fire!

~ Just when you thought you were having fun

~ Just when your song got to number one

~ Just when your girl said, "You're my man"

~ And you said, "Wow! I'm having a great time"

~ Hold me tight - time is precious

~ Love and success are both infectious

~ For crying out loud, did something hit us?

~ I think they're out to get us

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ The light's still on and the fire's still burning

~ The paint's still wet and you're still waiting

~ Guess the times are really changing

~ And you say, "What on earth is happening?"

~ I forgot the umbrella

~ That kept me warm and gave me shelter

~ So why don't I feel much better?

~ This dream becomes a nightmare

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Now the flame is hypnotic

~ The beat becomes metronomic

~ The politics are schizophrenic

~ So why am I optimistic?

~ Do I really have to be here?

~ The Princess smiles She's got her answer

~ Puts her head upon my shoulder

~ And from now on things will be better

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

~ Whoops apocalypse

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