Original subtitles

"Good evening, I'm Julie Andrews."

And I like to welcome you to this special

"NHK broadcast of Victor, Victoria"

which opened at Broadway's Marquis Theater

"on October the 25th, 1995."

"Traditionally, Broadway shows are never seen on television"

while the play is still running.

Tonight's program is a special gift to all my friends in Japan.

I began my Broadway career when I came to New York

in a show called The Boyfriend.

My Fair Lady and Camelot followed

but then came films and the family and Broadway receded

into the background for me.

"But Broadway stays in your blood and here I am,"

"all these years later,"

"back in the theater,"

still as excited and as nervous as I was then.

I now perform on this stage in front of a live audience

eight times a week in a show that is very close to my heart.

"Tonight, the best seat in this theater is yours."

And I hope you will enjoy the performance as much as

I enjoy being back on the stage again.

Nowhere I know.

No matter where I go.

Seduces men like Paris does en masse.

"The streets of Pigalle, the bars of Les Halles,"

the brasseries and the cafes at Montparnasse.

The cabarets and bistros where the writer or artistegoes

are as much apart of Paris as La Tour iffel.

The restaurants for the purists.

"The nightclubs for the tourists,"

we have those in abundance as well.

Paris can be a dangerous affair.

She offers far more follies than the Follies Bergeres.

"For sheer sophistication plus some higher education,"

the smarter set can't wait to step this way.

"For here at club Chez Louis as you're all about to see,"

we'll tell you straight why gay Paris is gay!

Hi!

"Paris by night, Paris la nuit."

Seduces us in ways we don't expect to be.

She has magic from which even a Houdini can't be free.

'Cause Paris by night has mystery

that's haunted us and taunted us through history.

Shady secrets she is all too aware we long to share.

"That's why it is, I guess,"

we all adore her and hunger to explore her hidden charms.

She fools us all because she's so capricious

but nothing's more delicious than to sleep in her arms.

For Paris by night the only way to realize that all in all

"it's nighttime not the day that sets her apart,"

wins every heart and makes all our dreams take flight.

"There's no dream you can't find in Paris,"

Paris by night.

"Monsieur, it's a pleasure to have you here at Chez Louis."

"That's why it is, I guess,"

we all adore her and hunger to explore her hidden charms.

She fools us all because she's so capricious

but nothing's more delicious than to sleep in her arms.

"But Paris by night, you can't condemn."

They say she's really at her best from 2:00 to 6:00 a.m.

"C'est vrai, she's sublime."

Nighttime's the time.

When all of her dreams take flight.

"There's no dream you can't find in Paris,"

Paris by Night.

Thank you. You're very kind.

"In fact, you're every kind."

I see we have a celebrity with us tonight.

"Miss Simone Kallisto, star of stage,"

screen and an occasional circus. Take a bow.

"Up yours, Cheri."

"And speaking of circuses,"

"aren't you Richard DiNardo,"

"Careful, Toddy."

"You know, you're really not very funny,"

so why don't you just piss off?

You know you should really be ashamed of yourself

bringing your sweet old mother to a place like this.

Apologize at once.

Why? Isn't she his mother?

I will not be insulted this way.

We are leaving at once.

I'll be by to pick up my clothes.

If you're not up to climbing the stairs

I'll be happy to throw them out the window.

"Listen here, Toddy."

Just because you had a spat with Richard that

gives you no right to insult my customers.

"Come on they'd been insulted so much,"

they'd be insulted if I didn't insult them.

"I warn you. If you do it again,"

I will fire you in spite of your bar bill.

Xcuse me. Pardon monsieur.

Good evening.

Good evening.

May I?

Yes.

"Gregor, be a dear and see if you can drum up"

a nice cup of hot cocoa for this lady.

No.

And put a stiff shot of brandy in it to put it on its feet.

"The brandy's easy,"

but I may have to arm wrestle Madame Roche' for the cocoa.

You'll lose.

I'll cheat.

You'll still lose.

"You were saying, mademoiselle?"

Madame. I was?

"Yes. You got as far as, "Oh, but...""

"Oh, but... You see it's like this, I..."

Would it be less traumatic if I voiced it for you?

"Yes, it might if you can."

I can probably come close.

"Oh but, I'm broke and I came in here because"

I'm cold and hungry

and I haven't got any place to stay.

Have I left anything out?

Madame Roche'?

Let me give you a hand with that.

"Xcuse me, what did she say?"

We never know what she says.

"Somehow, we always know what she means."

Good evening.

"Allow me to introduce Henri Labisse,"

the proprietor of this gothic establishment.

How do you do?

Madame...

Grant.

...is from...

ngland.

"You and Toddy are old friends, no?"

Yes. No.

No. Yes.

Madame Grant is hypoglycemic.

"Sometimes, it's important to eat something"

with a lot of sugar in it.

"I see. Well, may I ask how long you intend to stay in Paris?"

At least until I stop shaking.

"Actually, I was hoping to get a job."

"Oh, really? What kind of job?"

Singing.

You're a singer.

Yes. I'd be happy to sing for you.

"Yes, I'm sure you would."

"But first, there's the small matter of the bill."

"Oh, the bill."

I'll take care of that.

With what?

Your bar bill is already far more

than what I'd pay you in a year.

"Xcuse me, but 123 francs for a cup of cocoa?"

"No, of course not. I'm not a highwayman."

The cocoa is on the house.

Let's call it an even 100 francs for the 20-year-old brandy.

"For heaven's sake, what ever happened to Henri Labisse,"

the devil may care entrepreneur?

Who threw caution to the wind...

"Henri Labisse, of course! Now I remember."

Only this morning Andre spoke of you.

Andre?

Cassell.

Andre Cassell?

Her agent.

He said he was going to call you to try to arrange an audition.

I spent Christmas with Andre perhaps

I can get him to cut his commission.

Who said anything about commission?

"Of course if there's no audition,"

I suppose you'll have to explain to Monsieur Cassell.

"No, no! Really, Toddy."

"If Monsieur Cassell wishes you to audition for me Madame,"

be my guest.

What? Now?

Why not?

"Well, I have some music, but I'm afraid I don't play."

Allow me.

Thank you. It's an old nglish song.

Whenever you're ready.

Yes. It's very nglish.

Trust me.

There's a fairy who hides in my garden...

Thank you! Thank you!

But I...

"As you can see, Monsieur Labisse,"

I have a legitimate voice.

"Yes, well you see,"

if I was looking

I'd be looking for something more illegitimate.

I'm sure with a little practice I could do anything...

"Lady, excuse me, that's like a nun saying,"

"with a little practice, I could be a streetwalker."

It has to come naturally.

"That is so right. And in some professions,"

practice is a minor consideration.

I find it hard to believe that Andre Cassell

would even consider having you audition for me.

"No, he didn't."

But you said...

I lied.

"And in spite of what you think Monsieur Labisse,"

there are some professions where practice makes perfect.

Yes. Thank you very much. Aurevoir.

Toddy! That is the last straw! You're fired!

You can't fire me.

"Oh, no? Why not?"

I can't afford it.

Toddy!

Very well.

"Until you pay your bar bill,"

you're forbidden to step foot in Chez Louis.

"If you do, I'll have you thrown out."

Don't make it sound like such a threat.

Being thrown out of here is

slightly better than being thrown out of a leper colony.

"Out! That won't happen again, I promise you."

That's for sure.

Madame Grant.

"Oh, it's you again."

Come on.

Where are we going?

Up.

What's up?

My flat.

"Thank you. You've been very kind, but no."

"Relax, I'm gay."

That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day.

"Lead on, McDuff."

"With pleasure. But isn't the correct quote,"

""Lay on, McDuff"?"

"It depends whether you'd rather be "led on" or "laid on"..."

"It's not much, but it's cozy."

And with little luck I think I can drum up

a nice cup of strong tea.

"Oh, God."

The quickest route to a British soprano is cold-hot.

Bless you.

I think I'm catching cold. Thank you.

Get out of those wet clothes.

Okay. Could I ask you a personal question?

How long have I been gay?

"No, no. How long have you been a hypochondriac?"

What makes you think I'm a hypochondriac?

Just an educated guess.

My ex-husband was.

The day we got married he broke out with the shingles.

The day we separated his ulcer perforated.

The day we divorced he lost all the hair on his body.

You should gargle.

That's a good idea.

What's an nglish soprano doing in Paris?

She was touring with the Bath Touring Light Opera Company.

"Why not, at no sense in spreading germs."

What happened to the Bath Touring Light Opera Company?

I guess you could say that our producer took French leave

"with the bankroll. He was the... You know,"

I think you have a leak up there.

You should stay in bed and force liquids.

It's only a cold.

A cold tonight could be pneumonia by the morning.

Are you sure your husband was a hypochondriac

before he married you?

As soon as my clothes are dry

I'm going to try to sneak back into my hotel.

"Well, we'll solve everything tomorrow."

"Right now,"

you're going to put on some pajamas and climb into bed.

Which bed?

"Well, you're welcome to the sofa,"

but you have my word

this is infinitely more comfortable and just as safe.

These are for you.

Thank you. Could I use the bathroom?

As much as you like.

How's the tea?

Almost as good as the brandy.

"If it's of any interest, I always keep a spare toothbrush"

in the medicine cabinet right next to the spare toothpaste.

Thank you.

"You know, I'd probably sleep better if I know your name."

Carol Todd.

"Known as "Toddy" to my friends who use my toothbrush"

and sleep in my bed.

What do your friends call you?

Victoria.

Never Vicky?

Never twice.

Bless you!

There's nothing more inconvenient

than an old queen with a head cold.

I think I have a temperature.

"You mean, a fever."

"Verybody's got a temperature unless,"

"of course, they're dead."

"Here, thank you."

You look better in Richard's pajamas than he does.

"Of course, he looks better out of them."

Who is Richard?

Someone who used to stay here from time to time.

Were you in love with him?

From time to time.

"You know, I shouldn't pry but,"

"if you had your druthers,"

would you rather be...

Normal?

No. Straight.

"If I had my druthers,"

"which I don't... but if I did, I'd rather be you."

Me?

"Female, like you, would just be fine."

"Well, I guess I can relate to that."

"I mean, honestly,"

there have been times when I wished I were a man.

Why? For heaven's sake!

That's easy.

If I were a man I could do a lot of things a woman never can.

"Like what, for example?"

Be free to plot and plan.

Free to live my life without permission from a man.

"Man assumes that the world is tailor-made for him,"

which it is.

He presumes that the world indulges every whim if it's his.

"What a fabulous pursuit hands in pockets, running things..."

I must say it appeals.

"In my $100 suit,"

toying with my golden fob watch as I make my deals.

Lucky man who is not made to feel like an old Seiren

What a lovely life I'd plan if I were a man.

I would build all the tourist buildings reaching up

to the sky.

I'd explore every far off land and I would learn how to fly.

What a triumph it would be doing all that fellows do

but better and with style.

It would be just my cup of tea.

But they would all be furious and I would simply smile.

As a man I would not need to feel Like an old Seiren.

Though I know I never can ever be a man.

"Oh, the life that I would plan if I were a man."

"Well, would you like to know what I think?"

"Yes, Toddy, I would like to know what you think."

I think you'd make a damned attractive man.

You think so? How do I look?

"Well, well... I can see it didn't take you very long."

"Oh, boy."

"Richard, couldn't this wait until tomorrow?"

"No, we're on our way to Monte Carlo"

and I've come by to pick up my things.

"So take 'em off, buddy."

I beg your pardon?

I'm particular about who wears my pajamas.

Since when?

"Look, are you going to take them off, or am I?"

Let's make a deal.

Forget the pajamas and I'll forget the money you owe me.

I don't owe you a thing. You pathetic old faggot!

Get up! You get back in bed!

You broke my nose.

"Yes, and next time pick on someone your own size."

"I'll get you for this, Toddy."

Get out!

Where did you learn to throw a punch like that?

Sister Clementine.

That was Richard?

I'm afraid so.

What a horrible human being.

He was jealous. He thought you were my new lover.

He really thought I was a man.

Yes. He really did.

"He's lucky, I'm not."

My God!

What is it?

"Victoria, I've just had the most incredible idea."

You said you wanted to be a man.

"No, I said there were times when I felt like..."

Here' your chance!

What an inspiration!

Urope's greatest female impersonator.

Who?

You!

Me?

You'll be a star.

You'll be bigger than Garbo and Dietrich by far.

Trust me.

"Oh, come on."

If fate is kind you could be Miss Tingette

and Chevalier combined.

Trust me.

"Oh, sure."

"The trick for a drag queen is trying to act like a woman,"

which very few can but the fact is a drag queen's a man.

So what are you saying?

You're not a man

I noticed.

You're a woman they'll think is a man!

What a plan!

Toddy!

Trust me.

Toddy! This is crazy.

Now being a girl they all think is a man sets

their minds in a whirl

"Mine, too."

Trust me. No! Trust me.

All you have to do for the dream to come true is go out there

and be what you are and we'll make you a world famous star

You're delirious.

Lower your voice.

Toddy.

Lower.

Toddy.

There it is. Caruso not Charlie...

If you don't get back into bed...

Good! When you get angry it lowers naturally.

"Look, you don't have to do anything new."

Simply do what you do when you're you

I don't do that!

And the audience won't have a clue.

"It's true! So, for your plan..."

My plan?

"To succeed and it can,"

they must think you're a man. Trust me. Trust me!

If you're a man

Which I'm not!

You'll be the greatest star since show business began

Go on!

Trust me!

No!

Trust me!

No!

The beauty of this is like all great ideas

it's as simple as simple can be.

It's simple all right.

And we'll have each other to thank.

For what?

For our penthouse at the George's Cigna!

It's a free ride to the bank.

The left bank!

Not if you trust me!

Should I?

Trust me!

Could I?

"Trust me! Victoria, it will work."

It will not.

People believe what they see.

And tomorrow afternoon Andre Cassell is going to meet

urope's greatest female impersonator.

Andre Cassell is the biggest agent-producer in Paris!

"I mean, if I'm the greatest,"

how come he's never heard of me?

"You're the greatest, but you're unknown outside Poland."

Poland?

"You're Count Victor Grezinsky, a Polish aristocrat."

Your family disowned you when they discovered you were gay.

"We met in Warsaw, fell in love and I brought you to Paris."

This is all very clear now and this cannot fail.

I agree.

"To get both of us dumped in some grim Paris jail, Toddy,"

trust me.

"No, trust me."

Victoria Grant's got a much better chance singing Tosca

in Clatanon 'C'.

My proposal is not that bizarre.

"Yes, it is!"

At Cassell's you'll become a huge star!

Toddy.

It's about who they think that you are...

Hold it!

What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's right?

"I mean, a woman pretending to be a man,"

pretending to be a woman.

"Darling, to convince an audience that an illusion"

is real the magician creates a plausible diversion.

Count Grezinsky is our plausible diversion.

But no audience is that gullible.

"I mean, they'll know he's a phony."

Xactly.

What?

They'll know he's a phony. Trust me

"All right, ladies."

Let's see all of those nice legs. Very nice.

Lovely.

"You are so beautiful tonight, all of you!"

You know that?

Very nice.

"All right. Less flirting, more dancing."

Come on. Legs!

And guys!

"Move it, come on."

Arms!

And break.

And girls!

All together now.

Come on! Do it for Mr. Cassell!

Yes! Very nice!

Your hard work is very good. Go home.

Curtain is 9:30. 9:30 curtain.

Andre! Andre!

Just a moment! Just...

I'm Carol Todd. We're old friends.

Sophie Selmier.

I've been with Monsieur Cassell 15 years.

"I think it's safe to say I know all his friends,"

especially the old ones.

Your employer attended my Christmas party.

"Oh, that makes you an old friend."

He stayed until New Year's.

Andre! Carol Todd.

"Christmas, '32."

Hot Toddy.

"Oh, my God."

"Toddy, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you out of uniform."

He played Santa Claus.

"Yes, and you put a chair upside down on your head"

and declared that you were one of my reindeer.

"Prancer, wasn't it?"

I really don't recall.

"What can I do for you, old friend?"

"It's more what I can do for you, old friend."

"Andre, I want you to meet Count Victor Grezinsky,"

the world's greatest female impersonator.

Count?

"Count, if you please."

"Oh, yes."

Did you break anything?

Verything.

You're lucky you're still alive.

Not the way I feel.

I am so sorry.

"That's okay, Count."

You know with a voice like that

maybe you ought to take up duck hunting.

"Well Toddy old friend, should we step into my office"

and discuss the Count's future in show business?

"By all means, old friend."

Count!

By all means.

Did anybody ever tell you

that you have a beautiful pair of eyes?

Count!

"From now on, call me Victor."

"A bientot, Victor."

That's better.

We can't understand your questions if you all talk at once.

And if Monsieur Cassell and Monsieur Todd

can't understand your questions

"they can't answer them, can they?"

No.

No. So please one at a time.

"Monsieur Todd,"

is it true that you're the one who discovered the Count?

In Poland he's known as Victor.

Rarely Count.

"Did you discover Victor, Monsieur Todd?"

Victor was already a major star in Poland.

"On a personal level,"

Victor and I met and became good friends.

"Professionally, my friend, Cassell,"

deserves all the credit.

Does Victor speak French?

He sounds more nglish than Polish.

"Well, he was educated in ngland"

and he lived there before returning to Poland.

What did he do in ngland?

He was a waitress.

You mean waiter?

"No, I mean waitress."

Waitresses make bigger tips especially if they have great legs

Victor has great legs?

Sensational.

That's what inspired him to become a female impersonator.

"Now, if you'll excuse me,"

I'm late for an appointment.

Why take Toddy's word for it?

Come to the show tonight and see for yourself.

When I step upon this stage and announce

to Cassell's faithful and discerning patrons

Ladies and gentlemen.

"Madams, monsieur's..."

it is with great pleasure that I announce

for your great pleasure the most sensational

"and truly unique talent of this century direct from Poland,"

the Polish national treasure...

"the one, the only, Victor!"

"About 20 years ago way down in New Orleans,"

a group of fellows brought a new kind of music

and they decided to call it Jazz!

No other sound has what this music has.

Before they knew it was whizzing' around the world.

The world was ready for a blue kind of music

and now they play it from Steamboat Springs to La Paz.

There is a story that began in New Orleans.

About a lady who discovered this music.

She's completely in love with Jazz!

Yes! No one loved it like this lady had.

This is the day the lady traveled 'round the world.

You only see her where they're playing this music.

That's why they've seen her

from Steamboat Springs to La Paz.

Jazz as her escort to give her days much Jazz.

"Oh, baby won't you play me Le Jazz Hot,"

maybe and don't ever let it end.

I tell you friend it's really something to hear.

I can't sit still when there's that rhythm near me.

"Also, baby, Le Jazz Hot,"

maybe what's holding my soul together.

"Don't know whether it's morning or night,"

only know it's sounding right.

"So come on in and play me Le Jazz Hot,"

baby 'cause I love my Jazz hot!

"Before they knew it,"

it was whizzing' 'round the world.

The world was ready for a new kind of music.

And now they play it from Steamboat Springs to La Paz.

"Won't you play me Le Jazz Hot, baby?"

Don't let it end.

"I tell you, friend it's really something to hear."

I can't sit still when there's that rhythm near me.

'Cause I love my Jazz hot!

"When you play me Le Jazz Hot,"

baby you're holding my soul together.

Don't know whether it's morning or night

only know it's sounding right.

"So come on in and play me Le Jazz Hot, baby."

Because I love my Jazz hot!

Le Jazz Hot!!!!

Le Jazz Hot!

She's a man.

I can't believe it's a guy.

I don't believe it's a guy.

That's crazy.

They wouldn't dare say it's a guy if it ain't.

Isn't.

That's a felonious attempt to defrock the public.

"Ither way, you got to admit he sure is beautiful."

It's because he is not a he.

He is beautiful because he is a she.

"Well Jeez, you don't have to get so steamed about it."

You act like you was falling in love or something!

Come on.

He got your motor running.

Don't be ridiculous.

I got to admit. He sure got my motor running.

What's this? Some kind of conspiracy?

King Marchand. Andre Cassell.

I'm so glad you could make it.

"Come, I'll take you backstage and"

introduce you to Monsieur Victor.

He's fabulous. Absolutely fabulous!

That voice. What about those high notes?

He's a phony.

What makes you say that?

"If he's Polish, why doesn't he have an accent?"

"According to Toddy, he was educated in ngland."

Yes.

And everything else we know about him is according to Toddy.

"Come to think of it, darling,"

when did Toddy go to Poland?

Why would a gorgeous talented creature

like the Count want to set up housekeeping

with an old kerbugian like Toddy.

"If he's a Count, I'm Greta Garbo."

"Well, Greta. Whatever he is, I think he's divine."

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?"

"After the reception,"

those of you requiring transportation

will find cars at the stage door

ready to take you to the party.

"Victor, here comes Andre with King Marchand."

"A king! My God, what is he king of?"

"Among other things,"

he owns the most successful nightclub in Chicago.

And the other things?

"The term "gangster" is an appropriate designation."

He's also quite a ladies' man.

So watch your step!

I'm safe. Don't forget I'm a man.

Don't you forget?

"Victor, allow me to introduce, King Marchand."

Monsieur Marchand.

"Hi! Oh, some grip you got there."

I'm Norma Cassidy. You were grand.

"When you took off that wig,"

I just couldn't believe you're a man.

King still doesn't.

May I introduce Monsieur Todd?

It's a pleasure.

Miss Cassidy.

Nchanted.

"Me, too."

What do you think of my new star?

I think... He thinks he's a phony.

What?

I think you're very talented.

Yeah but he doesn't think you're a man.

I'll tell her what I think.

""Her"see?"

Norma?

Mingle.

Sure.

"Care to mingle, Mr. Todd?"

"Miss Cassidy,"

Victor's performance excluded mingling with you

may well prove to be the high point of the evening.

I just love Frenchmen.

So do I.

You were saying Monsieur Marchand?

I just find it hard to believe that you're a man.

Because you found me attractive as a woman.

"Yes, as a matter of fact."

It happens frequently.

Not to me.

That just proves the old adage...

There's always a first time.

I don't think so.

Xcuse me.

Pardon. Monsieur Victor! I am Henri Labisse.

Good evening.

I am the proprietor of the Chez Louis.

"Of course, you've heard of it."

Yes.

You have?

"Of course, but you've never been there."

Yes.

You have?

No!

"Yes, I've never been there is what I meant to say."

At any rate whether you have or not...

"Well, Labisse!"

"Toddy, how are you, old friend?"

How did you get in without an invitation?

No. I have an invitation.

Really?

Yes.

"No, No, no. What you have is a mistake."

"I won't forget this, Toddy."

I'm counting on it.

That was close.

Don't leave me alone like that again.

"Please excuse me, we have to be going."

We do?

I have an early golf game.

Since when?

"Count, tell me. Do you play?"

Golf? Yes. Occasionally.

What's your handicap?

Being gay. What's yours?

"Cassell, tell me."

How did you discover Monsieur Victor?

Came into my theater and hit a G flat.

Incredible! A G flat?

I've never heard of a man being able to sing that high.

You gamble? Perhaps you like to make a small wager?

How small?

"Say 1,000 francs."

"Let's make interesting, shall we? Say, 10,000?"

Forget it.

I thought so.

"Make it 20,000."

Bet.

"You're coming to the party later, of course?"

No.

No?

"Mr. Todd, would you give my regards to Victor"

and tell her that I look forward...

""Her"! See..."

Please tell Victor I look forward to seeing the show again?

I'll be happy to tell him.

Good night.

Bon soir.

I'm really sorry we can't come to the party.

"It certainly won't be the same without you, Miss Cassidy."

Norma.

"Till we meet again, Norma."

"Real soon, I hope."

Norma!

Keep your pants on!

"Well, Bon sewer Mr. Todd."

Bon sewer Norma.

Are you all right?

Where is Labisse?

Gone with the others.

Did you see the look on his face when I hit that high note?

"I'm sorry I did that, Toddy."

Damn King Marchand for goading me into it.

What do you think of King Marchand?

"King Marchand is an arrogant, conceited,"

"chauvinistic, pain in the neck."

I think I could fall in love with him.

"I think I could, too."

I'll bet you 10 francs King Marchand cancels his golf game.

And shows up at the party.

What makes you think that?

Because he's smitten.

"Oh, come on."

Which means he's dangerous.

Dangerous?

Trust me. His manhood's at stake.

There's no telling to what length

he'll go to prove you're a fraud.

Finish getting ready.

I'll make sure the evil Labisse isn't lurking at the stage door.

Merci. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

"Andre, spectacular."

Look who's coming... You owe me 10 francs.

I never took your bet.

'Cause you knew you'd lose.

"King Marchand, I'm so glad you changed your mind."

It's very late.

What happened to your golf game?

"He cancelled it. Well, you did."

I'm flattered.

It's suppose to rain.

Baloney. He'd rather be here.

"Well, sit down King. Join us."

"We meet again, Mr. Todd."

"So it would seem, Miss Cassidy."

Would you care for...

I'd love to!

A drink?

Look's like Norma's in for a big surprise.

Why is that?

Isn't Mr. Todd... Isn't he...

Isn't he what?

"You're not going to help me out with this, right?"

Right.

Isn't he a homosexual?

Isn't that something you should ask Mr. Todd?

Are you lovers?

"If you mean, do we love each other?"

"Yes, we do. Do we co-habit?"

Yes. Do we have sex?

Forget it.

You don't want to know?

No.

Because the idea of two men...

No. Because I'm still not convinced that you're really a man

You are preoccupied with stereotypes.

I think it's as simple as

you're one kind of man.

I'm another.

And what kind are you?

One that doesn't have to prove it to myself or anyone.

You gotta be kidding.

Really?

You're a queer?

"We prefer"gay.""

But you're so attractive.

It seems like such a waste.

Trust me. It isn't wasted.

Shame on you!

You know I bet the right woman could reform you.

I suppose anything's possible.

Who knows the right woman might even reform you.

Me give up men? Never!

Remarkable. You took the words right out of my mouth.

"Tango. Oh, King!"

Tango me.

"I'm sorry, Norma. My tango's a little rusty."

"But I'll lay 8 to 5,"

the Count does a great tango.

"Great! Come on, Count."

King still thinks you're a dame. Let's show him.

Miss Cassidy.

What a dancer!

I knew he was a man all along.

I mean a real woman can always tell.

Can you imagine what Sal Andretti would say

if he knew that his partner fell for a female impersonator?

Did you look under the bed?

Yeah.

"I know he's supposed to protect you,"

but does he have to stay

in the same suite with us?

"I mean,"

I keep expecting him to break in while we're making love.

"Norma, he'd only do that if he heard something unusual."

Like what?

Like if I got excited.

Just kidding.

You!

"Can I get you anything, boss?"

"Toddy, when did we move?"

During the dress rehearsal.

But what if I'd flopped?

We would have ordered a sumptuous meal charged it

"to room service,"

"drunk the champagne, courtesy of the management."

Then jumped right out of the window.

"That's why I chose a three-star hotel,"

and specifically requested accommodations

above the third floor.

You're too much.

Pooky.

Yeah?

Are you coming to bed?

Yeah.

The bathroom is a religious experience.

When can we afford another bedroom?

As soon as we're sure you're not a flash in the pan.

My God!

"Besides, one bedroom, one bed,"

promotes the illusion that we're lovers.

"If we decide to live apart,"

one of us can set up housekeeping in the tub.

"To Victor, long may he reign."

"At least, long enough to pay the rent."

Pooky!

Yeah?

Hurry up!

What's the rush?

"You know what they say, "when in Paris.""

"That's"when in Rome.""

"No, Rome makes me hungry."

Paris makes me horny.

"Rome may be hot, sexy it is not."

Paris is so sexy.

Riding in a taxi gives me apoplexy.

Been to Lisbon and Lisbon is a has-been.

Schlepped to Stockholm and brought a lot of schlock home.

Also Oslo and Oslo really was slow.

Paris makes me horny.

It's not like 'Californy'.

Paris is so dizzy Jack.

It's such an aphrodisiac.

It's true Paris thrills me.

When I see the iffel Tower

I have to go and take a shower.

It's true. I do.

Paris kills me and it makes me sexy.

As for Madrid.

Save it for I Cid.

Dining at the Lido loosens my libido Like a big torpedo.

"Seen Geneva, it's hardly jungle fever."

Been to Brussels could use some red corpuscles.

"Tried Toronto, departed molto pronto."

Paris makes me tingle. Makes me glad I'm single.

London's okay if it's for one day.

Paris get me sexy in the solar plexy.

What's the matter?

You're still thinking about the Count?

Been to Munich where every guy's a eunuch and to Dublin.

"Things ain't exactly bubbling' Hate Helsinki,"

the Fins are kind of kinky.

But Paris... Paris...

Paris makes me... Pooky!

"So, any thoughts about King Marchand?"

"No, other than how attractive he is."

How beautiful and intense his eyes are.

What it would be like to spend a week with him

on a desert island.

"No, he's scarcely crossed my mind."

What about you?

Pretty much along the same lines.

Xcept that I fantasize

three weeks on a desert island.

"You know, pretending to be a man has its disadvantages."

"Yes, especially if you are a man."

Pooky.

It's no big deal.

"This happens to everyone... men, I mean."

"We're lucky. Women, I mean."

We can fake it if we have to.

Don't get me wrong.

I never have with you...

"faked it, I mean."

"With you, it's like..."

"Pow, POW, POW POW!"

Like the 4th of July. Very time!

Just because tonight you couldn't get it...

"up till now it's been grand, Pooky."

"Really, really grand."

"And if there's one thing I know for sure,"

"you can't let it get you,"

"you should excuse the expression, down."

You can't worry about it.

You gotta put it out of your mind.

"The more you think about it, the more you worry."

"The more you worry, the more you think about it."

"Think, worry."

Yuck! Cherry!

"Worry, Think."

"It becomes this vicious cycle and before you know it,"

you are impotent.

Pooky?

What cha doing with the soap?

Squash!

How dare you put soap in my mouth!

"You son of a bitch, bastard!"

I'll kill you! I'll kill him!

Norma! Norma!

"Norma, not my new club."

Put that down.

"Why don't you take her to Paris, boss?"

I thought she'd help you relax.

She has never helped me relax.

Send her home.

"I'd hate to be a bother,"

but there seems to be a little...

Mr. Todd. Good evening.

What an amazing coincidence.

Victor and I are occupying the next suite.

You don't say?

We heard sounds indicating you were still up.

"I thought I'd come over,"

pay my respects and perhaps borrow a cup of sugar.

Sorry if it got a little noisy.

Miss Cassidy was having a nightmare.

Poor dear. Tell her I wish her pleasant dreams.

"Good night, Mr. Bernstein."

"Good night, Mr. Todd."

I love your ensemble.

Well what do you know?

"Next door, huh?"

Pooky!

Who'd you least expect to be our next door neighbors?

King Marchand and his bleached blond Rhodes Scholar?

Close! You forgot Mr. Bernstein.

Who?

Mr. Bernstein.

The sturdy bodyguard with the puppy dog eyes.

You mean King Marchand actually is...

that we are only...

Inches apart.

But as my dear old grandmother Todd used to say:

""In matters of sexual proximity,"

"an inch is as good as a mile.""

I don't believe this.

I spend most of my life hoping to find Prince Charming.

Just when I decide I'm better off being a man

the Prince moves in next door.

"Toddy, this is crazy."

As dear old grandmother Todd said:

""It's a crazy world, so watch your step,"

"or you're liable to fall off.""

Good night.

I'll be up.

Warm your feet!

Crazy world full of crazy contradictions like a child.

First you drive me wild and then you win my heart

with your wicked art.

"One minute tender,"

gentle then temperamental as a summer storm.

Just when I believe your heart's getting warmer

you're cold and you're cruel

"and I like a fool try to cope,"

try to hang on to hope.

Crazy world.

Very day the same old roller coaster ride

but I've got my pride.

I won't give in even though I know I'll never win.

How I love this crazy world.

Pooky!

"God bless mother, and Grandma Todd, Victoria, Victor,"

and Mr. Bernstein. Amen.

"Hello, again."

I hope you enjoyed the first act.

"By now, you've probably realized the show is based"

on the 1982 film of the same name.

"My husband, Blake dwards,"

"directed this play you are watching,"

as well as the film.

This is his first Broadway musical after a long

and distinguished career making movies.

I loved my role in the film

and the chance to recreate the role of Victor

and Victoria on-stage is a dream come true.

"As you see, although the time is different from our own"

and the characters may be a little unusual the story deals

with things that give all of our lives their real meaning.

"Love, friendship,"

and a lot of laughter as well.

I'm lucky to have a talented group of actors working with me

and I'd like to introduce them to you.

"Toddy is played by the wonderful Tony Roberts,"

a film and Broadway veteran who has twice been nominated.

The handsome gentleman who plays King Marchand

is Michael Nouri well known

for his many film and television roles.

Rachael York is our sexy and hilarious Norma Cassidy.

Rachael has won critical raves for her performances

in City of Angels and Les Miserables.

There isn't enough time to introduce the rest of my friends

and the cast who are incredibly talented

and who have become a beloved family.

"Finally, I would also like to give credit"

"for the success of this show to someone very special to me,"

"our composer, Henry Mancini."

"Henry received an Oscar for his music in the Victor,"

Victoria film.

"He and his lyricist, Leslie Bricusse,"

together with Blake dwards spent more than three years

bringing this musical to life.

"Sadly, Henry passed away in June of 1994."

This musical is a testament to his work and his talents.

We could not have done it without him.

"The second act will now begin,"

so won't you please take your seats

and enjoy the conclusion of the show.

"Ladies and gentlemen, once again,"

"Cassell's is proud to present the toast of Paris, Victor!"

"I know they say of Mary-Antoinette,"

my reputation is a go-getter.

"So, when I met Louis XVI of Bourbon."

It was so disturbing I thought a Bourbon once

in every while would keep me smiling.

Louis says he's king of France not by chance that I wed him.

They all do as Louis says.

"My, oh yes, I just bed him then I recline on my chaise."

Who cares what they do?

Who cares what Louis says?

Louis says I misbehave.

Rant and rave craving trouble.

"If he only knew the truth in my youth,"

it was double.

My life is a big bowl of fraises.

"Poor Louis, screwy."

Who cares what Louis says?

Suddenly the Revolution came

and my social life is not the same.

So I play a very different game living one day at a time.

See each day may be my last

I'll make each moment quite sublime.

"Louis says they'll label me the memory Antoinette,"

famous for her own demise.

"He says I should know better,"

good times relieve mayonnaise.

The worst is screwy who cares what Louis says?

"Louis says she lusts and groans,"

stay at home all adoring.

"He says she should be more prim, more like him."

God how boring.

I like my sauce bordeuxlais.

"They drive me cooey, who cares what Louis says."

Louis says the Revolution spread.

Louis says I mustn't lose my head

and the people haven't any bread.

I say let 'em eat cake.

Louis says that kind of attitude could be a grave mistake.

Louis says our timings off this resort.

Their museum I say they can go to hell.

"Wish him well, when you see him."

They're singing la Marseilles at half past seven.

I'm off to heaven.

"So much for royalty, so much for loyalty,"

so much for Louis. Seize!

Toddy! Toddy!

Ven when I was a second-rate soprano I had a maid.

"A maid, who could swear you were a second-rate soprano"

and not a first-class imposter.

You trust my dressmaker.

He trusts me not to reveal certain things

that would embarrass his wife and six children.

"You know, you should be ashamed of yourself."

Shame is a second-rate emotion invented by the pious

in order to exploit the human race.

Who said that?

I said that.

You don't believe in shame?

I believe in happiness.

"Oh, yeah? Thinks he can just push me around..."

Norma!

"Take your hands off me, you big ape!"

"Xcuse me, I'm sorry, okay?"

I'd hate to bust in on you like this.

Mr. Todd.

Shut up!

King is running me out of town

because I gave him a bad time about Victor.

Norma?

I'll be out in a minute!

He's got the hots for you

but he's convinced you're a woman.

He can't face that maybe he's got a problem.

That maybe he really likes guys.

So he can't get it up with me so he ships me off to Chicago.

Norma.

I'm just saying goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

"No hard feelings because you are a guy, right?"

"Ven if you are queer, gay,"

I mean it's not like

"I'm losing out to some carnivore female, right?"

Right.

Norma!

All right!

If you ever change your preferences?

You'll be the first to know.

Chicago.

I'm in the book.

"Out of my way, pheasant!"

Norma!

I'm gonna have dinner with her with him tonight.

So what's the big deal?

"It's not a big deal, all right?"

All right!

So why am I shy as a spotty faced kid at a high school prom?

Why? I'll tell you why.

It's because I don't know where this crazy dame

this Victor guy whoever he is coming from.

That's why.

I'm a guy who knows himself so I don't give a damn.

I never could be in love with a man.

But what if I am?

"I mean, me? Ha!"

Gay? Ha!

"If I know I'm not, what's the problem I got?"

Why do I feel this way?

The only logical answer is he's a dame.

I know that I'm right I can tell from the way that I feel.

Yeah.

So maybe the way to play it is to go along with the game

and if for some dumb reason I'm wrong.

Is it such a big deal? Yeah.

"I've never been wrong about dames, not once in my life."

If I had been you can bet I'd be stuck with a wife.

"But not me, not King."

My life has been one sweet perpetual fling.

"I've played so many games,"

fanned the flames with loads of dames

and I've landed the blame

for each dame who claims I've tricked her.

But now at last I'm in love with Victor.

Maybe I should see a doctor or concoct a cocamammey

tale to get me out of town.

Maybe take a long vacation with some appetizing chick

to lift me up when I am down.

"Or maybe I should face the music,"

give up dames like Mame and Margo

and take on board this strange new cargo.

Did a Othello fancy lago?

I'll take Victor to Chicago and we'll see what happens then.

When I'm out with him and eight or ten of the world's

no question most obnoxious men.

I'd like you to meet my beautiful boyfriend Victor.

How would it sound out at the stadium?

How would it look at the racetrack?

I could just see out

at the ballpark Tony Palermo give me the eye

when I waltz in with a guy.

"Of all God's gorgeous creatures who play tag with my libido,"

I have to pick the queen of drag who dresses in a tuxedo.

"I'd like you to meet my lover not Norma, Victor."

What would they think out at the golf club?

What would they say down at the nightclub?

Here's what they'd say at Guido's Steakhouse the moment

we were seen.

"Hey, you guys know that King Marchand was a queen?"

It's a trick and a trap.

I'm not taking the wrap for a crime I didn't do.

I've got to make certain that he's a she.

If I don't all my nightmares could end up true.

There's one way to find out for sure

but I haven't the guts to try or have I?

"If I'm right, I'll throw a party tonight."

"If I'm wrong, I think I'll die."

"I guess, I guess I gotta do it."

"Hell, there isn't that much to it."

I can't sit here one more minute letting time go by.

I need to put an end to all this how and why.

I need to know like most guys need an alibi.

I'll go myself. I just can't ask a private eye.

Is the girl I'm in love with A guy?

Boss?

"Yes, Mr. Bernstein."

Are there any messages?

He did?

A few minutes ago?

"Okay, thanks."

Boss?

"You better hurry, We only have five minutes."

Okay.

This is Mr. Todd. Are there any messages?

Thank you.

"Would you ring Mr. Marchand's suite, please?"

Shit!

You'll never guess where Mr. Marchand

wants to take us after dinner.

"If I'll never guess, I guess you better tell me."

Chez Louis.

I'd hate to be a party poop.

That sounds like a very bad idea to me.

It's not such a bad idea.

You are the toast of Paris and Labisse

will be too busy groveling to recognize you.

"Besides, Labisse owes me a good grovel."

Pardon.

Bon soir.

Bon soir.

See you downstairs?

"I'll be right there, darling."

"Mr. Marchand's suite, please."

Get that!

Yes?

See you in the lobby in two minutes.

Okay.

Two minutes!

"Mr. Marchand, would you mind if I asked..."

Would you mind if I asked you a personal question?

I worry more about answers than questions.

It's quite obvious that Mr. Bernstein is on hand

to ensure your continued good health.

That is not a question.

Why is he sitting way over there?

Strategic.

A broader field of vision and a clearer field of fire.

You must have been in the army.

I prefer the navy myself.

Would you mind if I joined him?

He looks Ionely.

"No, I don't mind."

I promise not to inhibit his field of fire.

Incorrigible. Yes.

"May I buy you a drink, Mr. Bernstein?"

Coffee.

"Ladies and gentlemen,"

tonight I am extremely happy and honored.

We're honored to have with us tonight

one of the truly great entertainers of our time.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the toast of Paris, Victor!"

"Perhaps, she... xcuse me,"

"he will honor us with a song say,"

"an old nglish tune, Victor?"

He knows.

He's guessing.

What do I do?

"Pull yourself together, and act like a man."

Bon soir.

Trust me.

Okay.

You...

You...

And me

And me

We're the kind of people other people would like to be.

A little strolling?

Why not?

Wandering free we present the kind of picture people

are glad to see

and we don't care that tomorrow comes with no guarantee.

We've each other for company.

And come what may you and me we'll stay together.

"Year after year, won't we my dear?"

That's why we're you and me

Walk this way. Okay.

I taught him everything he knows.

That's why he has so little left.

I'll get you for that.

You brought the whistle.

Yes.

Now what?

Watch this now.

I am watching.

I will do this twice.

"Okay, now what?"

You devil you.

Watch me.

We finished together.

Yes.

"You're on your own, kid."

What?

"Toddy,"

you do this to me all the time!

"Come what may, you and me we'll stay together."

Year after year won't we my dear.

That's why we're you and

Hey!

Stop that!

Oh my God!

Come On.

"You, imbecile."

This is my club!

And this is my club!

I don't care if you are a man.

I'm not a man.

I still don't care.

Paris by night.

Paris la nuit.

Seduces us in ways we don't expect to be.

She has magic from which even a Houdini can't be free.

For Paris by night has mystery.

It's haunted us and taunted us through history.

Shady secrets she is all too aware we long to share.

"That's why it is,"

I guess we all are adore her

and hunger to explore her hidden charms.

She fools us all because she's so capricious

and nothing's more delicious than to sleep in her arms.

"For Paris by night,"

it's the only way to realize that all in all

it's nighttime not the day.

"That sets her a part, wins every heart"

and makes all our dreams take flight.

There's no dream you can't find in Paris.

Paris by night.

Gosh!

"Sorry, guys."

Okay.

Squash?

"Squash, I know what you're thinking."

"No, you don't."

If a guy like you has the guts to admit he's gay

so can I.

I know you and the Count are gonna be very happy.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

This trip to Paris is turning out to be

a little more bizarre than usual.

Thanks a lot.

Not you. Not you.

Why not me?

"I mean a woman,"

"pretending to be a man, pretending to be a woman."

Well now you can stop pretending.

But I don't think I want to stop.

I'm a big star now.

"Oh, that."

"And something else,"

For the first time in my life I feel emancipated.

Mancipated?

"Well, I'm my own man, so to speak."

You should be able to relate to that.

I've got to be honest with you right now

I'm having a tough time relating to anything.

Do you think it would be fair for me

to ask you to give up your job?

It would be ridiculous.

But you expect me to give up mine.

Well there's a big difference.

I'm not pretending to be somebody else.

Now what if the shoe was on the other foot?

"If you were the man,"

and I the woman pretending to be a man?

Love is a two-way street.

I can't believe I said that.

"So, what do we do?"

You want me to be honest?

Always.

I could never live like that.

Because you are frightened that people would think

you were in love with a man.

Right.

"So, we have a problem."

I guess we have.

What we have here is almost a love song.

"I'm perfect for you, you're perfect for me."

Verything they sing about we have in profusion.

The same sense of humor...

a romance more than mere illusion.

So why are we almost a love song?

Why aren't we the song of the year?

Does the moment go by?

Are we frightened to try?

"If we are, more is the pity"

For the idea seems too pretty to be almost a love song.

You owe me a love song

So where is my love song my dear?

Perhaps it's for the best.

That's as bad as love is a two-way street.

"Sooner or later,"

I'd probably ask you to stop being a gangster

because I was frightened everybody would think I was your mob.

I am not a gangster.

"Oh, just a businessman with a bodyguard?"

"A businessman who does business with gangsters,"

I better have a bodyguard or he's out of business.

A businessman who does business with gangsters claiming

he's not a gangster.

Sounds a lot like the kind of act I do.

I think we're both pretenders

and that's not a very good basis for a relationship.

"But it was fun, while it lasted."

One thing's clear here

It's clear

We're almost a love song

We're almost a love song

She's so good for me

I'm no good for him

I'm no good for her

He's so good for me. I imagined somebody

I saw someone

Who'd look at things my way

We'd travel life's highway

Whatever the weather

But I wonder whether

The two of us should be together

So why are we almost a love song?

Are we a love song?

Instead of the song of the year?

Not a good one I fear. Will the moment go by?

Will I lose him? Are we frightened to try?

Mustn't lose her

If I am If I do

Then it's tragic.

He and I have too much magic

To be almost a love song

"Hell, I might as well face it"

You owe me a love song

I could never replace it

So where is our love song my dear?

You slept with him!

Yes.

But it wasn't great.

It was sensational.

Then what are you doing here?

He has cold feet.

"Factually, or figuratively?"

Both. A Present.

"Mr. Bernstein, come in, come in."

"Good evening, Mr. Todd."

Champagne?

Don't mind if I do.

To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?

I have something to tell you.

I'm all ears.

I'm gay.

"Be still, my heart!"

Does your boss know?

I just told him.

"And how do you feel, Mr. Bernstein,"

now that you've hoisted your true colors?

"Scared, I guess."

"Well, naturally."

And sort of like it's my birthday.

"Well, that's because it is in a way."

Speak of the devil.

Where is she?

Upstairs.

She?

It's a long and complicated story.

"How long have you been, you know?"

"I can't remember when I wasn't, you know?"

But I've know you 15 years.

You were an All-American center for Notre Dame.

A center!

"Happy Birthday, Mr. Bernstein."

Call me Squash.

Must I?

I think we should try living together.

Your place or mine?

"Trendy travelers tend to talk of London,"

"Paris, Rome, New York."

Like only they were stylish and unique

but out in the mid-west is the city I love the best.

A town so smart its spelling starts with

C

"C-H-l-C, Chic."

"Chicago, Illinois,"

is like a shiny toy.

The Prairie State is proud to state that it's its pride and joy.

The Windy City sweeps you clean off your feet.

Its charm is complete.

"They're knocking you flat,"

this way and that on every downtown street.

The White Sox and the Cubs and other sporting clubs

make living here a pretty nifty ploy.

Smack on the lake this is a rare port.

Someday they say we'll have an airport.

"When they say hey,"

"I'm from 'Chi' they mean Chicago, Illinois."

"Not Debut, not Des Moines,"

not even Pittsburgh.

"When they say, hey,"

"I'm from 'Chi' they mean Chicago, Illinois."

"Chicago, Illinois, is like a shiny toy."

The Prairie State is proud to state

it's its pride and joy.

The Windy City sweeps you clean off your feet.

It's charm is complete they're knocking you flat this way

or that on every downtown street.

The White Sox and the Cubs and other sporting clubs

make living here a pretty nifty ploy.

Smack on the lake this is a rare port.

Some day they say we'll have an airport.

"When they say, hey,"

"I'm from 'Chi' they mean Chicago, Illinois."

Chicago is a killer.

"They mean Chicago, Illinois."

"C-H-l-C-A-G-O,"

Illinois

"Hi, Sal."

Thanks for coming.

So how come you're here and King's still in Paris?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about seeing

how he's your partner.

What's he done? Got himself another doll?

"No, another guy!"

Run that by me again.

King is living with a Polish fairy.

Where are you going?

We're all going to Paris.

"Me, too?"

All means all.

Naturally.

You know French?

Sure. I just don't speak it.

I'll see you on the boat.

We'll drink a toast to the new lovers.

"Knowing the boss, it's not going to be easy."

"Knowing Victoria, I'm inclined to agree."

"I am ve for ought that I could ever read,"

could ever hear by tale or history.

The course of true love never did run smooth.

"You surprise me, Mr. Bernstein."

We did Midsummer Night's Dream my junior year in college.

We did Hamlet.

I bet you were a romantic Hamlet.

"No, I was a clumsy Ophelia."

It's your move.

Honey.

We've had dinner every night in the hotel for two weeks now.

I'd love to have a candlelit supper at some romantic bistro

and then go dancing.

Dancing? Where?

Where two people usually go to dance.

Where two men usually go to dance?

"Like, maybe the Ritz?"

"Well, I'm game if you are. No, I'm just kidding."

"Don't you think I'd love to go dancing,"

"to buy you a beautiful gown,"

to take you on my arm and stroll you up the Champs-lysees?

Do you know how proud that would make me?

I'm going out.

Out?

I'm gonna get exercise and fresh air.

I'm worried about the boss.

"Yes, your boss is not a happy man in love."

Is there a solution?

Not unless Victor reveals to the world that he's a woman.

Or King finds some joy living with a man.

"Darling, wait!"

"Living in the shadows,"

"hiding from the sunlight,"

hiding from the one light that might help to guide you.

"Hiding from tomorrow,"

hiding from the day only brings a sorrow that won't go away.

"Wandering in the darkness,"

living every midnight doesn't ever rid night

of nightmares as love might.

"Life is full of dangers,"

strangers every turn living in the shadows

there's no way to learn.

"The more you learn, the more you seek,"

"the more you find, the more you care,"

the more the world is kind.

"One thing I can tell you life should be your lover,"

help you to discover your reason for being.

Soon you will be seeing what you're all about living

in the shadows you'll never find out.

"Living in the shadows,"

I'll never find out

"Connect me with Mr. Todd's suite, please."

"A gay, All-American center who quotes Shakespeare"

and plays chess like a Russian master.

"Do I dare ask, do you cook?"

I'm a great cook.

And I was about to repudiate the good fairy.

She must have given herself a hernia

when she made you come true.

Yes?

It's me. Can I come over?

Of course.

It's Victoria.

She's coming over.

She sounds miserable.

I better go check on the boss.

Drink?

No thank you.

Would you like me to ask again?

You look like you could use one.

Toddy. It's not working out.

Did you really think it would?

Yes! At least I hoped it would.

It's been my experience that when it comes to affairs

of the heart hope is never enough.

I just wanted to go dancing.

"Where, at the Ritz?"

I know. I know.

Two men dancing at the Ritz wouldn't be orthodox.

"No, but the problem isn't two men dancing at the Ritz."

It isn't?

The problem is you're not really two men.

I don't want to be a man anymore.

"I know, neither do I."

"Hi, Sal."

I thought I'd pay my old business partner a friendly visit.

"He's not here, Sal."

Oh yeah? Where is he? Shacked up with the Count?

He said something about the Arctic Circle.

"Sure, and I'm the Moaning Lisa."

You gonna tell me where your boss is

or do I let Juke shoot you?

"Xcuse me, boss. Remember?"

It's my turn.

"Yeah. Right, I'm sorry."

"You know, we've been so busy lately,"

I keep forgetting who is supposed to shoot whom.

Who.

What?

"You can't say"whom""

because there ain't no proposition in front of it.

Isn't.

Any.

What?

Isn't any

Preposition.

Shut up!

"Now, Squash, for the last time where is your boss?"

Mr. Marchand's suite.

"Sal, I swear on my mother's grave..."

Your mother's still alive.

You're kidding?

Shoot him.

Hold it.

Yeah?

Hello?

"Who's"par laying", please?"

Dumb French.

Don't even understand their own language.

The Windy City barracuda is back.

What Norma?

Stay here.

"No! Toddy, not on your life!"

"Wait for me, Toddy! Wait for me."

"Hello Squash, do I let Clam shoot you?"

"Personally, I think it would be a big mistake."

For who?

Whom.

Shoot her!

Hold it!

"Good to see you, Sal."

What brings you to Paris?

Fairy tales.

"Well, well, well, if it ain't big shot King Marchand,"

who these days maybe ought to change it to Queen.

Did somebody call?

Here he is.

"He's the Count and he's Mr. Todd,"

"the Count's former lover, you know."

A bunch of queers.

Two queers doth not a bunch make.

They prefer gay.

"If you want the truth, ask the Count."

Ask me what?

Ask him.

I already know the answer.

Norma!

Are you and the King lovers?

Yes!

Oh yuck.

I love him very much.

"Hear, hear!"

God!

"I'm gonna throw up! Here, sign this."

Okay if I read it first?

What for?

"Since the mob don't like doing business with homos,"

I'm buying you out.

You know my half is worth ten times as much.

"Yeah, right. Sign the paper."

"Darling, don't do it."

"It's okay, sweetheart."

Darling?

Sweetheart?

Jesus King. That is disgusting.

A guy like you turning queer.

"I mean, we grew up together."

Probably had something to do with it.

"Oh, God!"

That's it. That is it!

"Come with me, young woman."

You know what I have to do.

Go on. Get up there.

I'll tell you!

Wait! Lock the door.

It's not going to take that long.

Would anybody care for a drink?

"Sal, you're looking a might peaked."

"Sal, is that short for Sally?"

"You are going to regret this, King."

"And you, Squash, for shame"

hanging around with a bunch of fairies.

"You no good, two timing,"

son of a bitch. He's a woman!

"Yes, yes, yes. Oh my God!"

"Sweetheart, what happened?"

"Look, look darling, Labisse is right there."

"Look, look. Toddy, look after her."

"Toddy, Labisse was just outside the window."

"Fear not, dear lady!"

I've been prepared for this for a long time.

"No, Toddy."

He saw the whole kit and caboodle.

I can't vouch for the kit but the caboodle's a winner.

Trust me. Dinner after the show?

Love to!

"Oh, no. Not you, too!"

What ever happened to the real men

in this world?

I might as well become a nun.

A nun?

What's wrong with that?

My mother was a nun!

Her mother was a nun?

"If you did not have that gun,"

I would personally take you apart.

That's the truth.

"Absolutely, boss."

A Little pop.

"Go ahead, boss, he's a pansy, can't fight."

Shut up.

I've seen him fight once.

Shut up!

Remember when he beat up the whole Michigan back...

All right! Shut up!

You're lucky I got a boat to catch.

Let's go.

Welcome.

"Put me through to Mr. Todd, please."

Hello?

You all right?

Never better.

That's great.

"If you need anything, I'll be in my room."

"Thanks, Squash."

"Anytime, Victoria."

The more I learn the more I seek the more I find.

The more I care the more the world is kind.

"One thing I can tell you, life should be your lover."

Help you to discover your reason for being.

Soon you'll be seeing what you're all about.

Living in the shadows you'll never find out.

Push away the shadows the sun will come out!

"Once again, ladies and gentlemen,"

"it is with great pleasure that I announce,"

"for your great pleasure,"

the world foremost female impersonator.

But it is also with some sadness that

I must tell you that Victor has decided to retire.

What you're about to see will be his last performance!

A thousand artists have done their damnest to paint her

but all in vain.

"And every day their hopes grow fainter,"

the reason's plain.

For Victoria's also know as Victor Making

it tricky to depict her.

"Victor, Victoria! Victor, Victoria!"

"Victoria, what a victor you are."

She spreads her fusion her illusion is serene.

"Behind the screen, is he a king or is she a queen?"

She's such a tease.

Fellows like these trying to please get ill at ease.

Not sure if he's Louis or Louise.

No wonder thousands of lovers struggle

to win her without success.

Ven an evening having dinner she won't say yes

and God help the guy who ever tricked her.

Kiss 'em goodbye if they afflict her.

"Victor, Victoria. Victor, Victoria."

"Victoria, what a victor you are."

Men are so dim fancying him and fancying her.

"They're so bemused, they get confused."

Which one they prefer.

Is he a she? Is he a she?

"Is she a he? If you ask me,"

it's hard to see.

Which can she be?

There's no guarantee.

And so when young men and old men turn

in to bold men to hold my hand.

They get too frazzled and bedazzled to understand

You can't contradict her or predict him.

"She is the victor, not the victim."

"Victor, Victoria. Victor, Victoria."

Charlatan! Liar! Phony! Stop!

"Ladies and gentlemen,"

you are all victims of a cruel hoax.

This woman is no man.

"I'm man enough for you, sweetheart!"

And that's why young men and old men turn

into bold men to hold her hand.

They get too frazzled and bedazzled to understand.

You can't contradict her or predict him.

She is the victor not the victim.

"Victor, Victoria."

"Victor, Victoria."

"Victoria, what a victor you are"

So when a guy loves a lady however shady it may appear.

No need to yell if they're two fellows.

That's not so queer!

We're all meant to cherish one another

It's not a crime to love each other

"He sings, too!"

"Victor, Victoria, Victor, Victoria!"

"Victoria, what a victor you are!"

"Victoria, what a victor you are""