Original subtitles

* Music

(Ambient street noise)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

(Phone vibrates)

*

Five years. Five years of you know what?

Maybe you're right. Maybe I just don't need the sports package.

Five years of putting up with awful reality television shows

about housewives whose biggest problem

is not having enough air in the tire of

their German-made car.

All of this, and for what?

So that she can break up with me?

In a text message?

I apologize for not being important enough

to break up with in person.

She says I don't have a career,

that I'm just a blogger, not a screenwriter,

'cause I haven't sold any scripts yet.

Please, she has no idea how hard it is

to sell a script.

Shit, I've got to sell a script already.

As if I'm the only flawed one in this relationship.

She always used to order this four-cheese

breakfast burrito.

I mean, how many cheeses does one need?

How can you even taste the four distinct differences?

God, I miss her.

No, no, I don't.

Yeah, I do.

A lot.

*

Jesus Christ, 140 pages, Daisy,

can I get coverage on this, please?

So what are you workin' on?

Devin.

I'm sorry, Case--

Casey just broke up with me.

That's terrible news.

It's not good.

Can I share something with you?

Please.

I don't give a fuck, okay?

Use it as inspiration.

I can't keep writing without any reward.

Chances are, she was cheating on you.

So, my advice?

Picture the guy...

drillin' her, and write about it.

She's definitely taking it from somebody else.

Can we please stop talking about her?

Okay, all right, all right.

Let's move on.

I got my premiere tomorrow night,

and you're coming.

I'm not going.

What do you mean, not coming?

Why do I want to go to your premiere?

So I can watch you answer reporters' questions

about how you're just a normal guy?

You're not, you're an actor, actors are weird,

you're not normal at all.

Hey, you know what?

Some people dream, some people live.

I happen to be a part of the former.

You mean the latter.

Which one's the latter?

Live.

Yeah, that.

That's what I do.

I don't waste my time dreaming.

All right, carpe diem.

Do you even know what that means?

Yeah, it's Latin for stop being a pussy.

We used to have great times, all right?

And those great times haven't been happening lately.

Casey has been up your ass for the past five years--

So what do you want to do?

Playin' XBox till six in the morning,

how great was that?

We only had one controller.

I would watch you play XBox,

you'd say, "Hey, look it, look!

Look, look, I'm about to..."

No, no, no...

I'd be like, "Awesome, Ethan, that's awesome."

I didn't enjoy that.

You were my wingman, you were really good at it,

you gave great advice, you kept me focused.

And I'm just saying, I'm just saying,

I miss those days.

And you know what? I didn't know that this was an issue.

I'll get another controller for the XBox.

I'll tell you what, this is an issue.

You just called me Goose.

*

So they said if Marlon Brando was a vampire,

his name would be Ethan Cafferty.

Tch, tch, tch...

All right, you girls go make yourself a drink.

There's some vodka over there and there's--

there's some Jell-o pops in the freezer.

All right, watch the face, watch the face,

I have an audition tomorrow.

You're so violent when I wake you up.

Dude, you missed my premiere.

You brought home two beautiful girls

and you're upset that I didn't come to your premiere?

Ethan, I need a zero-calorie mixer.

Um, it's behind the sugar smacks, sweetheart.

That's Samantha, and that's Betsy an--

Blake.

-Blake! -Seriously?

I knew it was a B.

What are you doing? You don't even smoke.

It feels right.

You're in really bad shape.

Growing out the breakup beard.

It's the universal sign of depression.

What if I told you that there was

a surefire way to get over her?

I don't feel like killin' myself, Ethan--

No, listen to me, my brother,

when his fiancé dumped him, he was going through

the same shit that you're going through right now.

And I was there for him, just like I'm gonna

be there for you.

And I came up with a list of five rules

that if you follow to a T,

you won't even remember Casey's name.

Go on.

Rule one.

No texting, no sexting.

No happy birthday text, no holiday text.

No, congratulation my grandfather got

a hip replacement text.

You're supposed to send a text for that?

Oh, yeah.

New hips are a big deal.

Rule number two.

Burn everything that reminds you of her.

Your pictures, those little Cabo t-shirts.

And yes, even the PlayStation she bought you for Christmas.

PlayStation?

Yes, it's gotta go.

Rule number three: enjoy yourself.

When you're feeling all horny and you want to have sex

with Casey, just hop on a porn site.

When in doubt, slap it out.

In doubt of what?

It rhymes, just go with it.

Oh, motherfucker, oh, motherfucker!

Rule number four.

Never respond when she reaches out.

It'll make her want you that much more. Trust me.

And finally, the most important one of them all,

without this one, you can throw all

the other ones out the window.

Rule number five: find a rebound.

A girl who will fuck

all the memories of Casey out of you.

But this girl, she's nothing more than a sex buddy

and she's just a distraction to keep your mind off your ex.

Is that all, is that everything? Is that the end of the rules?

You suck to be around right now.

I need my wingman back.

Isn't your brother divorced?

Yeah, because he broke the fifth rule,

and he married her.

Now he's got to pay child support,

you want to pay child support?

No, I don't want to pay child support.

I don't want to follow this list, either,

it's ridiculous.

You're ridiculous, everything you do is ridiculous.

Ridiculously awesome.

* On the roads, the pathways, the drifters dream *

* Say it, sha-la-la-la

*

*

Some cake...

I can't go over there.

Wait, but why can't I go over there?

She invited me over for birthday cake.

She wants me there.

It's rude not to be there

on her birthday, she asked me to come.

I'm her friend, that's what friends do.

This is my present to her.

Let's go, it's fine.

We're good.

I'm gonna go there for cake.

I'm gonna come back full of cake.

Let's go get some cake.

Hey.

I'm here for the cake.

Ice cream cake.

What kind of ice cream cake?

Vanilla and chocolate with cookie crumble.

It's my favorite kind.

I know.

*

*

* Attention shoppers

* Let me introduce ya to the beat of Saxon *

* Ain't no beat I can't master *

* I'm Double-O status

* Pants just sag

* Head knotty dread, blend in *

* My skills is mad...

What was that?

What time is it?

6:09.

What are we doing up?

You got to go.

What?

You gotta get out of here.

Why?

This was a mistake.

Why was this a mistake?

I...I missed you, Devin, it was lonely.

I missed you, too.

But I don't miss you anymore.

I enjoyed the sex, but I gotta get some sleep.

This was just sex to you?

Yeah, I thought that's all it was to you, too.

I thought I was coming over here for birthday cake.

You initiated the text, I thought we wanted

the same thing.

I texted you happy birthday, that's what polite people do.

Yeah, and I responded with a smiley face wink

with a semicolon, not a normal colon.

What the fuck does that mean?

It means I'm winking at you, like, "Hey, come over,

let's have sex."

I'm supposed to know you want to have sex with me

because you sent me a semicolon

in a text message?

Think of it as our breakup sex.

I thought this was our makeup sex.

And we can argue about it for hours

and it won't go anywhere.

Are you sleeping with someone?

If I was, don't you think I'd be with him

on my birthday?

And if there's anything I learned from tonight,

it's that I'm still attracted to you physically.

However...

emotionally, not so much.

*

* Oh

* Mmm

*

*

Oh, shit.

Did I miss your birthday again?

No.

I texted Casey last night.

And then?

And then, I went over there.

And so you stuffed her.

Yes, I stuffed her.

From now on, you're listening to me, okay?

And stop watching "Vicky Christina Barcelona."

It's confusing.

It's a good movie.

Rule one: no sexting, no texting.

We need to delete Casey's number from your phone

and we need to change your number.

* Sha la-la-la la-la-la-la *

* Sha la la-la-la

This has gotta go.

* La-la-la la-la-la-la *

*

Stud, we've got all kinds of fetishes.

Rule one and two, we took care of.

Watch your step.

But we need to focus-- we need to focus on

rule number five.

What about that girl last night at the bar?

She had a bodacious set of ta-tas.

She was--she seemed like, so, shallow, you know?

Not buying a pool, Devin.

Just trying to have sex.

Unless it's a pool of sluts.

Watch the turd.

Fuck!

Still going to acting classes?

Is that a no?

To be, or not to be.

That--that is the question.

I came here to bury Caesar, not to praise him!

How's that for acting class?

Hey Devy, get your ass up.

I got this gift card for a free surf lesson,

but they moved my shoot today, so I'm not gonna be able

to use it, so you can use it.

I'm not the surfing type.

You need to get out of the apartment.

Okay, here's my wetsuit, go have a good time.

I'm not putting myself through that embarrassment.

You need to stop being a girl.

Don't leave-- don't leave this...

Fuck.

*

*

No way.

Hey.

You here for a lesson?

You the surf instructor?

That's a good guess. I'm Sarah.

Listen, I'm gonna make this real easy for you.

I'm not here to learn how to surf.

I'm just here 'cause I don't want to waste

200 bucks.

So what is it you want to do?

Well, you can do whatever you want.

I'm just gonna sit down here, and relax.

You know you're just wasting your money, right?

It's my friend's money.

He'll get over it.

*

Whatever, dude.

Suit yourself.

What are you doin'?

You came here to surf!

Come on, let's go!

*

*

So what career allows you to take a Thursday afternoon off?

I'm a writer.

Really? Books?

Movies.

Nice, anything I would've seen?

Unless you made your way to the Israeli International

Short Film Festival in 2009, highly doubt it.

Yeah, that's, um, that's the one year

I didn't make it.

Ah, right.

Well, if you're in dire need of seeing my writing,

you can check out my blog.

-You blog? -I do.

That's so funny, my grandma just started

her own blog.

I should put you guys in touch.

Yeah, totally.

What you working on, a script?

Let me know if you need any help.

I'm awesome at words.

Did you take that surf lesson today?

Yeah, I did, actually.

Bullshit, you did.

I did, I did.

Yeah?

Was he a good instructor?

A she actually, yeah, she was good.

It was a she?

Yeah, it was a she.

Was she hot?

Yeah, she was good-looking.

Is she somebody that you could see yourself buying a few drinks

and then, I don't know, fucking afterwards?

Shut up, man.

Dude.

Dude, this could be your rebound.

Yeah, you think?

Then be a man, and let's go send some texts.

*

Okay, little Devy.

Let's get rollin'.

Did she give you your number?

Yeah, she gave me her card.

Okay, all right, send her a text.

And I want you to say, uh, hold on,

let me think for a second.

Okay, all right, so this is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna send her a text and you're gonna say,

"I think you're a really good surf instructor,

and I was wondering if you instruct anything else.

Privately."

Dot, dot, dot.

You actually say that shit to girls?

She'll appreciate it.

That sounds really creepy.

Dude, sometimes, you gotta creep.

*

"Hey, you're a good surf instructor.

Was wondering if you instruct anything else."

Dot-dot-dot.

Dot-dot-dot.

All right.

Dot-dot-dot.

Dot-dot-dot's the magic.

Okay, dot-dot-dot, send.

That so hard?

*

She wrote back.

Hoo-hoo-hoo, slut!

*

She said what the heck else would she instruct privately?

I don't think that's the answer we wanted.

I know what she's doing.

She's playing hardball.

And you know what? She's into it.

What the heck else would she instruct?

Relax, I got it.

I'm here for you.

You send back, "Oh, you know."

-Dot-dot-dot. -What?

-Trust me. -Why?

Will you fuckin' trust me?

I trusted you on the last one.

Let me ask you a question.

Did you bang last night?

-No. -No?

Well, I did.

A lot.

So maybe you should listen to me.

"Oh, you know dot-dot-dot"?

"Oh, you know dot-dot-dot."

Trust me.

I don't know why I am.

Oh, you know.

Dot-dot-dot.

You gotta do the dot-dot-dot.

Dot-dot-dot, here we go.

It's gotta be three dots.

All right, it's three, it's three.

-Are you sure? -Yeah, I sent it.

That's three, okay.

Now we wait.

*

She wrote back.

What did she say?

"That's really creepy."

"That's really creepy," Ethan.

That's what she said, that's really creepy.

-That's not good. -No, that's not good.

I'm not happy about it.

You shouldn't be happy about it.

It always worked before.

Yeah, well, it didn't work tonight.

Thanks, it's awesome.

Well, you know.

She might be a tight-ass, I don't know.

Fuck her!

Fuck her.

Thanks for your help.

Where you going?

I'm gonna fix your fuckup.

I didn't send it.

Hi, I'm sorry I'm dropping by like this,

I just really have to explain those text messages.

How do you know where I live?

You said you lived behind the Mexican restaurant on La Brea.

How do you know which house?

I knocked on, like, three doors before yours,

but listen, that's not the point.

Okay, honestly, those messages you sent me

were really weird, this is borderline stalkerish.

No, no, please, wait, just give me--

just give me one minute to explain.

See, I just got out of a long, long relationship

and Ethan, my roommate, he told me

to send those text messages.

You saw me on the beach today, we hung out.

You got to know me.

The guy on the beach, that was me.

Text messages, Ethan.

Hmm. Your roommate sounds like a complete tosser.

To--yeah, he's a complete tosser.

Whatever that is.

Please, just give me one minute to explain.

One minute.

Is a beer okay?

Yeah, thanks.

Thanks.

Make yourself at home.

So.

Did you love her?

Yeah.

You know what? Let's not talk about her.

All right, so...

How did you like your first day of surfing?

I gotta admit, I don't see myself

as the next Laird Hamilton.

I got to admit, I don't think you're wrong.

You were pretty shit.

But, you know, it'll get better

if you just stop being so scared.

Scared? No, I wasn't scared.

Okay.

No, I wasn't.

I just don't see the point.

What do you mean, the point?

The point, I mean, why risk drowning?

So I could get on the board for ten seconds

just to show my friends that I could surf?

So you don't think people actually enjoy surfing,

you think they just do it so they can sound

adventurous to their friends?

Same reason why people go to the ballet.

Nobody likes going to the ballet, they just go

to the ballet because they want to come off as cultured.

That's ridiculous!

It's the truth.

Actually, I did...

I checked your blog out today.

Whoa!

You looked at my blog today?

Take it easy.

Yeah, t wasn't bad, actually, I mean,

it was, you know, it was funny.

Do you make enough money to support yourself with that?

Uh, I got some advertising on there.

But Ethan, my roommate.

The tosser.

Yeah, him, the tosser.

He lets me live with him rent-free,

so I don't really have any expenses.

What does he do?

-He's an actor. -Oh, God.

An actor that lets you live with him rent-free?

I'm guessing he's kind of successful.

He is the star of that Vamp Night franchise.

-Shut up. -Yeah.

They are the worst.

It's not even acting.

That's just like one big staring contest.

*

So what's your deal?

What do you mean, what's my deal?

What's your backstory?

My backstory?

Your backstory, I want to hear about your days

in good old Manchester.

Canterbury, thank you very much.

Uh, my backstory, let's see.

I moved here when I was in high school.

My dad got relocated for work.

You know that I surf.

I'm going to law school.

I live in this house.

That's my deal.

There's no Hugh Grant in your life.

Not today.

You have to try this.

What is it?

It's marmite.

Oh, it's marmite.

-What's marmite? -Marmite.

It's like, I don't know, American jam.

American jam?

I like jam.

Taste it.

That's awful.

You don't like it?

There's nothing American about this.

It's an acquired taste.

It's an acquired shit!

So.

For real.

For real.

Why are you here?

Swapperoo.

Why am I here? What do you mean?

Why did you come here tonight?

Was it to ask me out?

No, I told you.

I just wanted to explain myself for those texts.

'Cause it sounded to me like you wanted some ass.

Even that sounds proper coming out of your mouth.

Answer the question.

Ethan, uh, suggested I do something to move on

from Casey.

Your ex?

Yeah, my ex.

So you would be looking for a rebound.

Rebound?

I don't follow.

No?

Someone that you have a physical relationship with,

no intimacy, no long-term commitment.

Oh.

When you put it like that, I guess...

I'll do it.

*

You'll do it?

Yeah.

Seriously.

Yeah.

I will be your rebound girl.

But you don't even know me.

You're good-looking enough and weird text messages aside,

you seem harmless.

*

Everyone needs some help once in a while, right?

What are the ground rules, like, sex-wise?

Okay, Devin, I'm not a whore.

We will go out, we'll go to a movie,

we'll have dinner, see if we enjoy each other's company.

-Trial run. -Take it from there.

Yes, a trial run.

A trial run.

-Yes. -I can do that.

Trial run for sex.

Yes.

I don't have to eat any marmite, do I?

Maybe.

I can do that.

Yeah, why not?

So, when I can see you again, rebound girl?

Yeah, don't call me that.

Let's see, I could do... tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night, good.

Yeah, I'm not gonna kiss you tonight.

No, right. I got you.

So she volunteered for this?

It's weird, right?

Man, I got to start dating Australian chicks.

She's British.

European, they're all the same.

Did you guys fuck?

No, we didn't sleep together.

Actually taking her out tonight.

You don't take out rebounds on a date.

You text them at two in the morning.

We want to see if this is a right fit.

You're not investing in a PPO!

-IPO. -Whatever.

Look, this girl's only job

is to drain you of your sexual fluids.

Stop making it more complicated than it has to be.

All right.

*

-Hi. -Hey.

Ready?

Yeah.

Ethan said the movie's pretty good.

Yeah, I brought a sleeping pill

just in case.

*

* I want the last of you *

*

* To take all my time

*

* When we give in

* We'll fall into the night *

* Believe me like I believe you *

*

* Believe me like I believe you *

*

* Believe me like I believe you *

(unintelligible singing)

* Believe me like I believe you *

(unintelligible lyrics)

* Believe me like I believe you *

*

* Believe me like I believe you *

*

Really wish you would've let me buy your movie ticket.

I'm not your date, remember?

I don't want you to buy me anything.

So what do we do now?

Now? Now's the time I go into my house.

Right.

Right.

See, I just remember you not guaranteeing sex,

which led me to believe that it's still a possibility.

What? I'm sorry, are you asking me

to have sex with you right now?

I--I just didn't know how many times

we would have to do this--

This, you think I'm that easy?

No, you're not easy, no, there's nothing easy about you.

See--

No, you're not easy.

You are funny.

Funny as in ha-ha, have a good night funny?

Or funny as in ha-ha, come on inside funny?

I'll be right back.

You leaving?

No.

I was just putting this stuff in a corner.

Okay.

*

*

Sorry, my neck.

Okay.

So where does this go from here?

Look, there's no reason to make this complicated,

you know, it's just sex.

So, I think that just whenever you want it,

you let me know, and whenever I want it,

I will let you know.

Well, let's say I want to go to a movie

on a Saturday night.

Would you come with me?

If I get to pick the movie this time, then sure, okay.

Okay, bowling.

If we get bumper lanes, yes.

-Bumper lanes? -Yes.

I'm much better with bumper lanes.

Who the heck isn't?

Bumper lanes or no bowling!

-Okay, bumper lanes. -Okay.

But just try not to like me too much.

Don't flatter yourself.

Why are you talking like that?

No?

That was my British accent.

Oh.

Not good?

Don't do it? I shouldn't?

So, I think we should probably...

Wrap it up.

Wrap it up.

Yeah, no sleepovers.

Yeah, no sleepovers.

Right. Right!

That's good, that's smart.

-Good, okay! -That's awesome, actually.

Cool, so.

Probably get going.

Yeah, no sleepovers.

Okay, all right.

Buddy.

Yeah, you did!

I did what?

Oh, you know.

I don't know.

Yeah, you do!

No, I don't!

Was she a dead-fish moan like...

(moaning)

Or exhausting moan like...

Exhausting moan, I love it!

Saw your movie last night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah?

What did you think?

Did they put too much makeup on me?

I fucking hate it when they make me look too pale.

What if casting directors around town

think I'm actually that pale?

Don't worry about that, makeup,

makeup was good.

What about the movie?

Makeup was good.

What about the movie?

My text worked.

*

Yeah? You sure you don't want to go first?

Go for it, let's see it.

All right, watch this.

Just don't cock it up.

He's like a little girl.

Oh, wow.

Scratch on the break, oh!

Somebody's gonna kick your ass.

That was really bad.

You suck.

Does it look like I hang out in pool halls?

You don't need to be a professional

to be able to break.

That's pathetic.

You look like a train conductor right now.

Well, if I had that...

Let's get on the train.

*

What are you doing?

* 'Cause there's no one there

* To hurt you

Oh.

* There's just no reason

*

* No simple way to love

* You say you need me

* But it's just not enough *

Do you have any more tips?

Yes, hit your ball, not theirs.

* Find it in you

* To take it all the way *

* Well, that's okay

*

* I love you

* Anyway

* So what of...

-Please. -Right now?

-Yeah. -You won't give me 30 seconds?

*

Stop it.

* 'Cause they're all here to remind us *

* There is a price for sacrifice *

* That our world says we shouldn't think *

* But there's more in store

* Of that, I'm sure

* Than the TV Guide

What do you got there? Any more?

-You ate it all. -I know.

So good.

Yes?

What are you doing over there?

Eating Chinese food.

You know what I mean.

Devin, please.

Let's not have this conversation.

I want to have this conversation.

Devin, no.

-No. -Why not?

Because we've had this discussion, let's just,

please, I don't want to make things complicated,

I don't want to overanalyze this.

It is what it is, okay?

Let's not go there.

Let's not do that.

Please?

Okay.

You're right.

Keep it simpler.

I gotta run.

What is this?

Are you writing again?

I thought you said you hadn't been able to write for a while.

Yeah, well...

I started up again.

That's great!

Can I read it?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Cool.

I will.

Enjoy it.

Bye.

*

*

I really liked it.

Yeah?

You're not just sayin' that?

No, I thought it was really good.

I was hooked.

You have any notes or anything?

I think she should end up with him at the end.

I don't know, that's-- that's too feel good.

It's justified.

You can take it or leave it.

I'll leave it.

That...

is the best thing you've ever written.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

You liked it?

I loved it.

What'd you like about it?

What do I like about it?

I can fuckin' sell it, that's what I like about it.

And the third act, the twist at the end wasn't too--

No, no, the third act is great.

The twist is fantastic.

You kiddin' me-- It's great.

And, and the Jamie character, the arc wasn't--

Jamie-- Jamie's great.

You know, I mean he's a fully realized character

in a great, great script.

Good job.

I mean, you--

You did it.

He's a fully realized character?

Yeah.

Jamie's a she.

Okay, Devin, I didn't read the script.

But...

My assistant...

-Stacy. -Yeah.

She read it, and she's very smart,

and she gave me the coverage,

and I know I can sell this script.

This is the one, okay?

When are you gonna read it?

I'll read it tonight-- No, I can't read it tonight.

I'll read it by this weekend, okay?

It's Monday.

All right, look, I'll read it this week.

Look, just trust me.

This is the script.

I will sell this, okay?

Now, look, I gotta go, I got a--

I got a bachelor lunch thing with Gordino.

He's gettin' married, which...

No one should be married.

Don't get married.

I shouldn't be married.

Good job.

Have a great day.

(sighing)

So, my manager actually thinks he could sell the script.

He finally read it?

Well, he read the coverage.

What's coverage?

It's basically a two-page synopsis

that his assistant writes up.

Wait, so he didn't read the whole script?

Well, no, but Stacy, his assistant,

she's like really good at writing coverage,

so, I think I'm-- I think I'll be good.

But, this is your manager.

This is the guy that's managing your career, right?

Shouldn't he be reading your material?

Yeah.

I'm just saying that I don't you to be disappointed

if when he reads it he's not as excited

as he is now.

I'm just looking out for you.

You know, you're not making me feel very good.

Aw.

How can I make it up to you?

*

What's that?

That-- That's an NRB.

A what?

A No Reason Boner.

Why do you have one?

No Reason, that's why it's called an NRB.

Guys get these things all the time.

Even when you're eating pizza?

Even when we're eating pizza.

Huh.

Like, what happens if you're in a really inappropriate moment

and you just...

Get a hard on-- What do you do?

Well, there's one move with two names.

Some people call it "The Tuck",

I like to call it "The Periscope".

-The what? -The Periscope.

The Periscope?

Yeah.

What the hell is Periscope?

It's when you go in and you lift.

And it's stickin' right above your waistband

like a periscope above the water,

just checkin' out everything that's along the line.

For real?

Yup, really.

And, what about...

now?

This is what we call an RB.

A what?

A Reason Boner.

You're giving me a reason to have this boner right now.

No, where are you goin'?

You can keep 'em there.

Wanna go finish this off?

What?

(cell phone buzzing)

Hello?

Devin, hey.

Read the script.

I love it.

I've heard this before, Robert.

I am not bullshitting you.

Look, I'm gonna pass it along,

and I'm gonna push it with some production companies.

Yeah-- You read the whole thing?

Every word.

Look, I'm also calling for another reason.

My best friend's kid sister, Erin.

She just moved to town, she's about your age,

and she's single.

So, I figured you guys could go out.

No, Robert, I don't wanna do that.

She just moved to the city.

You remember what that's like.

So have her go out with someone else.

Oh my God.

I'm not asking you to sleep with her.

Okay, just do this for me.

You're still single these days, right?

I mean, technically, yeah.

All right, so go and have a good time.

Robert.

I already told her that you would,

and she's really, really excited about it.

So don't be a dick.

I--I gotta go.

*

* We don't need any of this

* We got plenty to do

* Between packin' our bags

* And makin' love to you

* In those places

we shouldn't get so naked *

* But do

*

* Well we should get out of our town *

* We could go drive around *

* Or we could visit the zoo *

* I promise I'd pay for you *

* Just as long as you do

* All those little things that you do *

*

Thanks for tonight.

Yeah.

Had a good time.

Yeah--did you?

What do you mean?

You just seemed to be on your phone most of the night.

I can't read your mind, but I'm pretty sure

that's not a good sign.

Well, what happened there was, uh, my roommate.

He was locked out of our apartment,

so he's texting me to have me come back to the apartment

and let him in, but I was telling him,

I'm here, you know, busy with you,

and, and so that's what that whole thing was.

That's frustrating.

Yeah, it was very frustrating.

You seemed to be smiling, you know,

the whole time you were texting with your roommate.

Yeah, no, sometimes I like to smile, uh, when I'm frustrated

'cause it prevents the blood from rushing to my head.

You don't smile when you're frustrated?

You should try it sometime.

-All right. -It's good for you.

Yeah.

No, that--

I wasn't texting with my roommate.

A girl.

Yeah.

Robert said you were single.

No, I mean, I am single.

Technically, I'm just...

Seeing this...

Well, hanging out with this girl.

Oh.

Right.

Good night.

(cell phone buzzing)

What?

You still talkin' to that guy?

Devin?

Yeah.

Here and there.

It's nothing serious.

It's just a bit of fun.

Well, he must be doing something right.

You seem to be doing better.

It's nothing serious.

Can you squeeze a pencil between here?

Are you telling me I have the size of girl boobs?

No--no.

So, clench.

(giggling)

Are your parents still together?

Why do you wanna know that?

I'm just curious.

They divorced when I was nine.

And I chose to live with my dad.

And...

And to this day I don't even know if I made the right choice.

Why?

If I chose my mom, everything would have been different.

See, my dad, he was a sculptor.

Not a very successful one, though.

Not someone who can afford to take care of me and my mom.

She left.

And married some rich businessman.

And what does your dad do now?

It's a new great idea every six months.

Yeah, but nothing ever comes of it.

Hm.

And why writing?

I dunno.

I mean, I guess, having the ability to control

this reality that you could create.

And if you weren't a writer?

I'd probably get some 9-5 job.

Go through the motions.

I bet it'd be fun.

Doesn't sound exciting.

No, it's not.

But, on the other hand,

it would be nice to be able to afford to pay my own rent,

and not have my roommate look after me.

-You know? -I get that.

To be able to get paid for the work you actually put in.

It would be nice.

I should go.

*

*

Ooh.

That would be...

My game.

Weird how you keep dealing and I keep losing.

-Stop being such a bad loser. -Funny how that happens.

-I'm not a bad loser. -You're a terrible loser.

You're cheating--I'm not a bad loser, you're just cheating.

Just 'cause I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't beat you.

-One more game. -I've got to get to class.

One more game, you have to give me a chance.

I can't, babe, I've got to go.

Fine.

I'm gonna leave on that note-- Kidding?

I gotta go to the bathroom, hold on one second.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey Sarah.

How are you?

Good.

Ooh, looks like you got a little bit of sun on your skin.

Uh, yeah, I've been spending a lot of time at the beach.

Giving surf lessons, I bet.

Yeah, I teach surfing.

I bet you do.

Yeah, that's what I do.

I'm sure you do.

Hey Devin!

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Um.

I'll see you later.

See ya.

Bye Sarah.

She's a sweetheart, ain't she?

What's that about?

Okay, is that your girlfriend now?

No, she's not my girlfriend.

Okay, because you're playing cards,

she gave you a kiss on the cheek.

If that's not a relationship, I don't know which one is.

Listen, she does her thing and I do mine.

This isn't a relationship.

You're followin' the rules.

I'm followin' the rules.

I'm a big boy.

All right, sit down, let's play some PlayStation.

You don't remember destroying the PlayStation?

Vamp Nights 2, on Blu-ray?

Cast commentary?

Cast comm--you haven't seen the cast commentary, yet.

*

I want this, Charlie.

Tess, I can't.

I won't.

Suck it.

Suck it right out of me.

Do you understand what this means?

I've made my decision.

If I can't live with you,

I have--

There's no turning back.

I don't wanna turn back.

This is it.

I want this to be it.

Forever?

*

And ever.

And ever.

Okay, watch this.

I'm about to bite the shit out of her.

*

-No. -Suck it.

Suck it right out of me.

Yeah.

That was cool.

It wasn't real.

But if it was,

that's what it'd look like.

Okay.

What are you guys watchin'?

Vamp Nights 2, just came out on Blu-ray.

Actually, you know what?

This is a good thing.

We can get a girl's perspective on this now.

See, Devin here, he just went through a breakup,

and his little heart's broken, and so--

It's more mutual than he'll make it seem.

It wasn't mutual at all.

You got yourself a rebound, huh?

Exactly.

Yeah, I've had a few rebounds, what's wrong with that?

How many's a few?

See, the problem is, Devin and this girl

have been doin' other things than just bangin' on each other.

Like what?

Like goin' out on dates.

Oh, yeah, no, you can't be doing that.

You guys shouldn't even be talking unless it's during sex.

Oh yeah?

What do you like to talk about during sex?

Wait, why do you care, again?

Because it's unhealthy, Devin,

to get in a relationship so fast.

He's right.

But, Sarah and I aren't in a relationship.

Besides, you should be happy.

I haven't even thought about Casey in like, forever.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah, I think I'm over her.

When's the last time you saw her?

When we broke up.

Ooh, that's not good.

Wait, what's not good?

Never mind, nothing.

No, no, no, no, no.

If you got something to say then say it.

Well, if you see her and you get that sick feeling

in your stomach, then you have to start all over again.

Um, 'cause you're back to square one.

But, if you see her and there's no feelings whatsoever,

then you're in the clear.

You're officially over her, my friend.

Two years, San Diego State.

*

*

I saw Casey today.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah.

How'd it go?

It was good.

We were just talkin' about what we're both up to, and--

I mean, nothing.

I--I felt nothing.

That's awesome, man.

I mean, your whole system worked.

I fuckin' told you, scientifically proven.

You, I should...

That was good-- That was good on your part.

But, this thing with Sarah.

See, I don't want that to end.

No-- No, no, no, no.

See, that's how you're gonna fuck this whole thing up.

Why can't this materialize into anything more?

Because, you're not ready.

Devin, I gotta tell you somethin'.

Sarah is not the angel you think she is.

*

(knocking)

Coming.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Um, can we talk another time?

Ethan told me.

Ethan told you what?

Look, babe, can we just do this another time, please?

No, I wanna talk to you, right now.

(sighing)

Tom.

Who's this?

I just said, Tom.

Yeah, I got that, Tom.

Um, okay, can you just give me a minute?

Just give me a minute?

-Is everything all right? -Yeah, just...

One minute.

Who is that?

It's my ex-fiancé.

Why'd you never mention him?

Look, Tom and I dated for three years

and we broke up a month before I met you.

You should've told me.

Devin, just like you didn't want to talk about Casey,

I did not want to talk about Tom.

No, no, no, that's different.

No, it's not.

This was an agreement to help you move forward

and it just so happened that I used it as an opportunity

for myself to do the exact same thing.

You used me.

And you used me.

So now what-- Why is he here?

He wants to give it another shot.

Of course he does.

You know, I came over here tonight to tell you

that I think I'm in love with you.

What?

No.

What are you talking about?

We have rules to this relationship.

Fuck the rules, who cares?

No, it doesn't work that way.

He broke up with you.

He got cold feet.

Cold feet.

That's just a nice way of saying he didn't want to marry you.

Fuck you.

You're gonna get back together with him?

I don't know.

Maybe--I don't know.

Look, if Casey wanted to get back together with you,

you would, right?

No.

You're making a mistake.

A big mistake.

Just because we were fucking for a couple of months

does not mean that you know what's right for me.

*

*

It's better to have happened now

than later on down the road.

It's gonna get better, man.

It has to, right?

Well, it doesn't have to, but...

Let's hope.

*

You can give me somethin' a little bit more than that.

More than hope?

I just...

Hope.

Let's hope.

We'll talk it over, thanks.

There he is!

Come on in, come on in.

We, my friend,

are in the middle of a bidding war.

For the script?

No, for this plain bagel.

Yes, for the script, of course!

So, what happened?

Look, I floated it to a couple production companies.

And, it's just been crazy.

I mean, the phone keeps ringing and...

Devin, this is everything you ever wanted.

Congratulations.

So, listen, I'm-- I'm really sorry

that I haven't called you until now, I just...

didn't really know what to say, and...

it's just a little awkward.

So why are you callin' me now?

Because, I wanted to tell you that I'm...

I'm gonna be moving to San Francisco

when I finish out the semester.

I'm going with Tom.

And I just, uh...

*

I wanted to say goodbye.

Well, you said the girl should end up with the guy

in my script.

She is.

I guess there's not much more to say then, huh?

Then take care.

*

Can we get six shots of tequila and two beers, please?

-Comin' right up. -Who else are you buyin' for?

Just us.

Oh yeah, this is happenin'.

And can we get some limes?

-Okay. -Please.

-Do you want salt? -No, no, no.

No, no limes.

Let's let this burn.

He wants to let it burn.

He wants to burn his heart pain away.

Here we go.

* Cause I'm a big

* Rock

* Ready to roll

* Yeah I'm a big

* Rock

* Ready to roll

* Yeah I'm a big Rock

* Ready to roll -Oh my god, I want some limes.

I want some limes, I want some limes.

-No, bullshit. -I don't know why I said that.

-No. -I want some limes.

-No, but it burns. -Jenny, no limes.

Jenny, can we have some limes, please?

I don't know why we said that last time.

I want some limes.

Hello.

Hey, I'm, uh...

I'm Ethan Cafferty.

-Hey, sorry. -How are you?

-Ashley, nice to meet you. -No problem, nice to meet you.

-Yeah. -Hey.

Hi.

* I need

to fake a smile *

* So he won't see

Yeah, Taylor!

'Cause my last name's not Swift, so.

-But, she wishes would be. -But, I--I can pretend.

-I thought you sounded... -Yeah, my last name is Swift.

I was mesmerized, you sounded like a sparrow.

Oh, stop.

-Do you see this, right here? -What?

Right here, do you see that scar, right there?

No.

That's--the scar right there.

-Oh, the little discoloration? -Uh, where?

The discoloration right there.

Right there, I see it.

-Oh, right there, yup. -Mm-hm.

Yup, clocked it.

What is it?

-I got that on VN1. -Wow.

Told the director I want to do my own stunts.

You did not do all your own stunts.

Wow.

Ashley, I wouldn't lie to you.

Aw, look at that smile.

That's pretty cool.

Well, see, the way I look at it, is to play a vampire,

you have to be present, like a vampire.

-You know? -Yeah.

And a vampire would do his own stunts.

So I get scars for my art.

But, it doesn't matter.

These are like, you know, memories.

Memories.

Memories of work that I've bled for.

And that what I think about Vamp Nights,

it's things that I bled for.

Are you an actor, too?

No, no, no, I don't--

Devin is actually a really successful writer.

Oh yeah?

Really?

Well, I don't really--

I've written a few things.

Like, have they gotten made yet?

Yeah, yeah, no, they've, uh...

I wrote one, uh, two, uh, things that are in theaters.

Oh my god, in theaters?

-What were they? -Holy cow.

Oh my god, did any one of 'em star that, um...

Ryan Gosling?

-Oh my god, I love Ryan Gosling. -Me too.

-No, I love Ryan Gosling. -I know, I know, me too.

You know, you nailed it, both of 'em did.

(chatter)

That's amazing!

No, Gosling's a good actor.

He's, yeah, he's--

I don't think he does his own stunts,

but he's a really good actor.

I am drunk.

Dude, I don't know if I can make it.

Bullsh--

Devin, you are sleepin' with one of those girls.

Well, you're gonna sleep with Taylor.

Ashley already told me she wanted to blow me.

How do-- Wait.

How does a girl just come out and tell you

she wants to blow you?

She said, "Ethan...

You're really cute and funny, and I want to blow you."

So, you, my friend,

are not gonna fuck this up for me tonight, okay?

All right?

I just dribbled a little bit on my leg.

Hey, hold up.

I wanna call her.

You're not callin' her right now.

What are you even gonna say?

I'm gonna call her.

And if Tom picks up, I'm gonna be like, "Tom...

You don't even know."

The f--What does that even mean?

He wouldn't even know.

And then Sarah would be like, "Oh, Tom, who is that?"

And Tom's like, "Oh, it's that old writer guy

who you used to date-- You know, I've been thinking.

You should probably get back together with him."

-Give me your phone. -I'm not giving you my phone.

-You give me yours. -Give me your phone.

I don't want to give you my phone.

She's not the one.

Says who?

The Ethan Cafferty rule book of how to get over a girl?

You couldn't possibly understand what I'm feeling right now.

You've never had to get over a girl.

Did it work with Casey?

I don't want to get over Sarah.

All right, then, fine.

Text her.

I'm done, I give up.

-Text her. -I will, I will.

All right, do it.

I--I'm doing it.

All right.

But, what do you think I should say?

You're kidding me, right?

Okay, fine, I got--

I mean, if you're not gonna help, I got this.

I got it, I don't need your help.

I can-- I know what to say to her.

It's done.

Easy as that.

Oh, you don't want to know what I said?

No, hell no, I don't want to know what it says,

because you texting her at three in the morning, drunk,

that says it all.

(cell phone buzzing)

This may be hard, why don't you take a look at it?

It's not her.

You got to pay your AT&T bill.

*

I think I gotta move out, man.

I need to get a place on my own.

I mean, I can't not be payin' my rent--

I got nothin'--

I need a fresh start.

Before you do somethin' like move out,

why don't you just give it a little bit of time?

You're a little bit hurt right now.

You don't have to move out.

Hey, Devin.

Robert.

So, listen, uh...

Things have cooled off a bit on the script.

These things happen.

It's all cyclical.

No need to get worried.

I'm gonna keep tryin' to push it, but as of now,

we may be in a teeny tiny bit of a waiting game.

But don't worry, it'll be fine.

You just write another one.

Hey, I got a feelin'.

The next one you write...

It's gonna be...

*

This is your room.

Rent's due the first of every month.

Any questions?

Yeah, is that stayin'?

It's a free gym.

-All right? -Yeah.

* Lights from the TV screen

* Show me

* People the way they were before they

ever really knew me *

* And our love caught in flames *

* Fairy tale scene

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you moved.

I did, I'm just in town visiting my mum.

Look at you.

All dressed up.

What's the occasion?

Yeah, I, uh...

Well, I got a job.

Like, a real job.

And, they make me wear this tie.

What are you doing?

Working for some headhunting firm.

I don't--I don't even know what I'm doing.

I don't know.

But, it's a job.

Stability.

But, you're still writing, right?

Uh, no.

Not right now.

So how's everything goin' with you and...

Tom.

Yes, Tom.

Tom, in the argyle sweater vest.

How could I forget?

They're good.

Good.

I should probably...

Yeah.

It's really nice to see you.

You write.

That's what you do.

This tie's not gonna change that.

*

*

Change.

Is there anything more uncomfortable than change?

We're creatures of habit, set in our ways to a fault.

Darwin once said,

"It's not the strongest that survives.

Or the most intelligent.

It's the one that's most adaptable to change."

How we respond and adapt to change is the real test.

*

We can either stand still as everyone and everything

around us evolves.

Or we can choose to move with them.

*

Yeah, this is Robert.

Robert.

Devin.

Wow, back from the dead.

I knew it.

Back from the dead, exactly.

So, uh, listen.

I'm calling because...

I just want to let you know that I'm gonna give it another shot.

Fantastic.

But without you this time.

What?

Devin, that's a terrible idea.

Yeah, well...

It's what's best for me, so...

Devin, there is nothing else out there for you, okay?

I am all that is out there.

*

*

God, these movies are so bad.

Yeah, I can't believe I let my agent

talk me into three more of these.

Oh no, I'm sure those'll be much better.

No they won't.

At least you can admit it.

So, what's your connection to the party?

I'm friends with Ethan.

And of course, the one time I come to one of these things

he's late.

Good old Ethan.

Good old Ethan.

Four-cheese quesadilla?

Four-cheese, wow.

I think that's a bit much.

I'm just hired to serve that, ma'am.

I'll have one.

See?

Short and simple.

Proper etiquette.

Your movies suck.

(Laughs)

Did he just say your movies suck?

Yeah, I think he did.

This is pretty good, you should try it.

Um, can you even tell which four cheeses are in there?

Uh, let's see...

Brie.

Asiago.

Ricotta.

And American.

You're so full of shit.

I've got no idea, but it's good, try it.

Thank you.

It's just too many cheeses for its own good.

Devin.

Becca.

This is your vampire stare?

Yeah well, you know, I am required to practice it

in front of the mirror a lot, so...

It's in your contract.

Yeah.

Well, you're good at it.

Thank you, I think so, too.

*

* Summertime's taking

* Summertime's taking control

of all things *

* We're starting to black out

like a California blackout *

* Our heads get dizzy

*

* Summertime's swimming

* Summertime's swimming

through my bloodstream *

*

* I want the last of you

*

* To take all my time

*

* Let me give in

*

* And fall into the night

* Believe me like I believe you *

*

* Believe me like I believe you *

*

* Believe me like I believe you *

*

*

* Tell me that I'm right

*

* I'm pointed at your heart

*

* Just say that you need me

*

* You had me painted in the dark *

* Believe me like I believe you *

*