Original subtitles

- Hello, rob. Steve -- - who's this?

- Steve coogan. - Hey! How are you?

Good, good, how are you?

Yeah, good. Where are you?

I'm in London. Just got back from filming in New York.

I play a chef. It's called "medium rare."

It's produced by Martin scorsese. Have you met him?

- No, I've not. - He's great. He's great.

Anyway they want me to do publicity

for the launch of the series.

To do a series of restaurant reviews.

Um, this time a trip to Spain

for "the new York times."

Yeah, I know. "The observer" asked me.

Oh, right, so you know about it. Okay.

Well, yeah, so it's a "New York times"- "observer" thing.

- You know, it's a paid job. - Mm-hmm.

- So, uh.. - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm -- I'm asking you

if you'll -- if you'll come with me?

Yes, I will come.

Good, great, okay, well, my -- my people

will be in touch with, uh, oh, you.

Yeah, well, you know, rob's not gonna be here.

- Rob, Steve's here. - Okay.

What? No, 'cause he's got a ferry to catch.

Where are you?

Okay.

We'll see you when you get here then, okay?

- Yeah, bye-bye. Bye. - Is that all good?

No. That was the builder. He's running late.

Right, have your remembered

your passport, your wallet --

my passport, my wallet, my phone..

The book you were reading?

I got everything i need

to go out into the darkness.

Right, come on, daddy's going. Follow me out.

Dad, you forgot your hat.

Alright bring it out then.

You can give it to him now.

Bring it for me.

And say goodbye.

Oh, buenos dias.

- Hmm. How are you doing? - Good. You know Sally?

- Yes, sorry, hello, Sally. - Hi, Steve.

- How are you? - Hi, yeah, good.

- How are you? Good. - Nice to see you.

Nice to see you. This is Charlie.

Oh, hello, Charlie. I don't think i know this one.

No, and this.. You remember Chloe, don't you?

Yes, of course. Hello, Chloe. How are you?

God, you were a little baby last time i saw you

and you've gone, shhwt! Like that.

That's what happens.

You've got a lot of stuff, haven't you?

Uh, well, some of this is, uh, Joe's.

You know, my, uh, my son.

I remember him.

He's, uh, comin' out the end of the trip.

Yeah! Gimme a kiss.

- Oh, who did that noise? - You did.

I think you did that noise. Give me another one.

Charlie farley, oh.

- Kiss for dad. - Hello.

Thank you very much.

- Bye-bye, darling. - Bye, darling.

I love you. Have fun.

- Look after them. - Enjoy yourself.

You'll take care of mommy, okay?

- Yep, I will. - You will.

Won't you, Charlie? Yeah.

Have a good trip, and, uh, you look after him.

Yes, I will try and bring him back here in one piece.

- Yeah, please do. - Okay. Okay.

- Adios, amigos. - Have a good journey.

- Yeah. - Adios, amigos.

- Hasta manana. - Manchego cheese, he say goodbye.

- Love you, bye. Have fun. - Bye.

Bye!

Are we gonna get this ferry?

Um, well, I'd say probably yes.

- Alright. - But, uh..

A little bit of jeopardy i think kinda gives --

oh, here we go. Here we go.

Adds a little bit of --

living your life on the edge

by getting to a ferry a little bit late.

I have two cabins for you.

Mm-hmm.

One commodore cabin and one deluxe cabin.

Okay. Which is the best?

The commodore cabin is the best.

Oh, great.

Mr. coogan should have that.

- Oh, rob. - Commodore coogan.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Is this the commodore?

No, that's the deluxe cabin.

Alright.

See you later, commodore.

- Okay. - Sir, that's your key.

- Thank you. Merci. - See you later.

- Thanks. - Then I show you yours.

Okay. What did you say your name was?

- Oha. - Ohhoha?

- Ohaha - ohawha.

- No. Ohoha. - Ohoha?

- Yes. - Is that near enough?

Yes.

You're right about this bein' a better way.

This is more romantic.

This is more like a journey.

It is.

You know what the first most famous boat that left here was..

Most famous ship, i should say.

Uh, the mayflower?

Yes, the mayflower.

- Pilgrim fathers? - Yeah.

Pilgrim fathers for justice.

They, uh, tied themselves to that crane.

Demanded more breadfruit for their children.

Where were they headed?

They were headed to America.

Yeah? What part of America?

The coast.

"Santander

"much the largest city in cantabria

"with a population approaching 200,000.

We filmed much of "moonraker" here."

Good morning.

- Buenos dias. - Buenos dias, mi amigo.

- Buenos dias, mi amigo. - This is stunning.

This is the way to approach a new country.

Did you sleep well?

Yeah, like a -- like a -- like a baby, yeah.

Yeah. It's lovely, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it's the gentle rocking motion.

The thing, you either have sea legs or you don't.

Santander, the largest city in cantabria

by some margin. Population, 200,000.

An elegant, stylish resort

with excellent transportation connections.

You reading "lonely planet?"

- Just stuff i picked up -- - "rough guide?"

Stuff I picked up over the years. I'm -- I'm a sponge.

- Oh. - Bueno.

- Oh. - Fine choice.

- With sea salt. Nice choice. - Gracias.

- Thank you. - A la parilla.

- Muchas gracias. - Como hacia la abuela.

Like mama use to make.

- Ah! Encantador. - Okay.

Bueno. Provecho.

- Thank you. - Gracias.

- What did you say to him? - I said it's charming.

Charming that his mother made it, you know. How about yours?

What's happening in New York?

I've been seeing a lot of Misha. Remember Misha?

The girl you were seeing with the legs?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Yeah. - You seeing her again?

- Didn't she get -- - I..

I'm in love with her.

But she got married.

- She is married. - Oh.

- Um, I know, it's not ideal.. - Carry on.

- It's not ideal. - Take your time.

- Give me details. - It's not ideal.

But we.. She just.. We just bumped into each other and, uh..

And, you know, we just, you could tell it was just there.

A smile, I gave her one of my smiles and, uh --

well, I mean, you don't have to say anymore.

One of those smiles.

And then, like an anchovy, she just..

...wriggled into my net again.

- Was it exciting? - It is exciting.

But it's not like the first time.

It's not like i don't know her.

It's like, it's like we've rekindled

what we had before and it's, uh --

- still exciting. - Yeah, it is.

Actually you lose excitement when you, when you're married.

- I'll tell you that. - Yeah. Well, you can't have everything.

- The thing is you can't have everything. - No.

You can't have everything. That's my mantra.

- You can't have everything. - Yeah.

When people complain, "no, you know.."

- Well, alright, make a choice. - No..

I couldn't agree more, couldn't agree more.

- I have a young family. - Yeah?

For a man of my age, my kids are young.

Yeah. Yeah. How old's your wife?

Forty-three. Mm-hmm.

She's just got those kids in..

Just squeezed them in quick then?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm not going the full Mick Jagger and having them at..

He's having another one at 72.

Yeah, that's daft, innit?

- Ever met him? - I have.

- I was at a party. - Yeah?

- I was leaving. - Yeah.

- And I heard from the, uh, balcony. - Uh-huh.

"Rob, rob."

- Rob. - Rob.

Here, rob, rob.

Oh, look, well, he didn't, he didn't do the full but..

And I looked up and he went..

"Don't throw those bloody Spears at me."

I said "what?"

He was, "don't throw those bloody Spears at me."

Yeah. No, no.

- He was doing Michael caine. - I know, I know.

But what you find is that he speaks like..

Sometimes it's sort of, it's sort of like that

so that it's actually quite posh.

And sometimes he's quite sort of, uh..

You can see that he's quite actually, he's like that

a sort of public school thing going on.

You know, and now you got slightly deep like that.

But, um, but, uh, and, uh, you know

you got the old sort of, um..

Sort of peacock thing, you know.

- Sorry, sorry. - Sorry.

He went, "don't throw those bloody Spears at me."

And I went, "oh, Michael caine."

So I looked up at him and I said

"I've told you before if you're not gonna sing

"i don't wanna bloody know.

Now get back in the other room."

And he went, "aha-ha-ha."

And off he went. He loved it.

But had I had a close conversation with him

I would've said, "what are you doing having a child at 72?"

Yeah, you know what? I mean, it's not ideal.

Look, Charlie chaplin was knocking them out in his 80s

and that's not ideal either.

But we're -- we're positively footloose

and -- and carefree and -- and

we're like teenagers compared with other guys.

We should enjoy this moment in our lives.

We're at the sweet spot in our lives.

- Hmm, hmm.. - We really are.

We're like ripe, you know?

I am in my prime. If I was miss Jean bro..

I should play miss Jean Brodie.

There's a lot of gender swapping going on now in big roles.

I could play miss Jean Brodie.

Oh!

- Thank you. - Just look at this.

You writing anything at the moment?

Of course, I am, yeah, what I'm trying to do

with this odyssey through Spain is do what Laurie Lee did.

You don't know this about me.

About 30 years ago, when I was 18

I came to Spain backpacking

after a levels, before i went to university

and I met a woman called Sofia who was 37.

And she'd basically showed me the ropes.

I lost my virginity to her.

How many years ago?

Well, that's 32 years ago.

- So she's now 70? - Yeah, yeah.

- Sixty-nine, 70? - She's 70, yeah.

- Should we look her up? - No, I saw, I met her.

She's massive. Saw her on a Vespa.

- Successful or massive? - No, no, I mean fat.

I think the two of you should give it another go.

Why don't we visit her, take her some turkish delight?

I think that's the last thing she wants, to be honest.

It's the one thing i do know about her.

Anyway, I want to write a book

about Spain and me.

Is that why you bought the Laurie Lee book?

Yeah. Well, he wrote this when he was early 50s.

But it was about when he was 18.

So it's almost exactly the same as me.

Cervantes wrote "don quixote" when he was 50.

50s in many ways, i think --

no, we're at the sweet spot in our life.

The best age. It's -- it's the sweet spot.

You've still got, touch wood, time --

we're ripe, we're a ripe fruit

but if you hang on to the branch any longer

you're just gonna wither on the vine --

- so what do you do then? - Drop.

Or do you wanna be plucked?

You wanna be plucked actually.

I'd much rather be plucked than drop.

But who's gonna pluck you at this age?

You'd be surprised.

But after "philomena," this opened a whole new

sort of, uh, chapter for me in terms of, like

the -- the way my career's gone. All the, uh --

co-wrote that, didn't you?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah -- yeah, I've always, I've always co-write.

I mean, I, you know, i mean, really, I'm kinda like

I'm the one who talks and has all the ideas

and they, the -- the other person's

kind of like a sort of typist.

Will they view it that way?

Oh, no, I would never say that to them personally.

No, but, I mean, but -- but privately..

These reviews i write myself, of course.

Well, that's great. I mean, how you gonna do it?

We're in Spain, I'm gonna do it like

Sancho panza in "don quixote."

Two middle-aged men looking for adventure.

- That's not a bad, um -- - "don quixote."

- Idealist, dreamer. - Yeah.

- Head in the clouds. Yes? - Yeah.

- And his solid, dependable friend. - Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So what are you co-writing?

Uh, it -- it's called "missing."

It's about a man looking for his daughter and --

this'll be the follow-up to your film about a woman looking for her son.

Yeah, well, exactly, it's the -- it's the --

it's the sister-piece to that.

Um, and if I do another one, it'll be a trilogy.

But anyway, um, yeah, it's about the, the two of them --

you should be looking for something else.

You know, the -- the, to avoid the comparisons maybe?

Man looking for his car.

But the thing is you can -- you can do a man who's lost his car.

There's -- there's lots of, oh..

European filmmakers use huge overbearing

you know, huge thematic metaphors all the time.

So it could be a guy looking for his car.

But actually, he doesn't realize..

He thinks he's looking for his car, but actually

he's looking for something much bigger than that.

A Van.

Yeah, well, the Van of life.

- The Van of life. - Well.

Can we, can we put this, can we put this up?

We're going?

We're going.

Hey!

Thank you.

Have you ever seen rain like this?

Oh, yeah, i was in on a..

I got stuck in a landslide overnight

uh, on the north, on the West Side of fulmer.

Stuck in a landslide, i had to stay overnight

in the car for eight hours.

I was fine, i found out later

I was in the wettest spot

in the country ever recorded in history.

You've told me this before.

Well, you, you asked and that was --

no, I asked you

have you ever seen rain like this?

Obviously, if you ask a question like that

you obviously want some details.

If it's a story that you've told before

you say, "yes, do you remember

that time in the landslide?"

And I say, "oh, I remember."

Do you know who sang that?

Uh, lots of people. Dusty Springfield?

Noel Harrison is the famous one. Son of..

George?

No. Rex Harrison.

- Really? - Yeah.

God.

Who sang "the rain in Spain?"

- "The rain in Spain?" - See.. So -- so again..

- Circles within circles. - Yeah.

It's like we sailed into Switzerland.

- Hello. - Hello, hello, uh..

Uh, who's that?

It's Jonathan, Matt's assistant.

This is Steve coogan for Matt, please?

Oh, hey, Steve. Hey, yeah.

Um, look, I was just gonna call you

actually to, uh, to let you know that

Matt has left the agency.

Uh, what?

Yeah, he's gone to a management company.

Look, it -- it -- it all happened very quickly

and, um, well, no one wanted it

to get out before it was announced.

Uh, it's gonna be in the "trades" today.

So I will be taking over all Matt's clients

who stay with the agency, okay?

And, Steve, I just..

I wanna let you know how excited I am

about working with you and representing you.

- Yo ichacho. - Yoichacho?

- Ichacho. - Ichacho.

Ichacho, that's, that's, uh, El mar.

That's the sea.

Okay, you are in holiday?

No, no, uh, I, i escribe, escribe..

A writer, I'm a writer, escribe.

- Yeah, you are a writer? - Que es, que es writer en espanol?

- Escritor. - Escritor. Escritor. Si. Si.

I had a, I had a movie at the oscars.

Uh, you know, the academy awards?

- Yeah, one of my movies, yes, that's, uh.. - Okay.

So that was, um, muy bien.

That's fine.

And the winner is Steve McQueen.

Oh, my god, I -- I've won it. I've -- I've won it.

Sit down. Sit down, Steve.

What? Why?

- I'm, I'm Steve coogan. - It was Steve McQueen.

Oh, my god. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Hey, Greg, it's Steve.

Hi, Steve, how are you?

- Good, good. - Good, good.

You're at, you're still in New York.

I hear very good things about the series.

No, I'm in Spain with rob.

- Right. - Okay.

Uh, look, Greg, did you know

that Matt had left the us agency?

Yes, yes, I did, um, yes, I did know that.

I was -- I was gonna call you actually.

Did you know about this before I did?

No. No, not at all, no.

Right. And do you know that his assistant

Jonathan is taking over his client list?

Yes. Now, you see, Jonathan, I -- I think, he's very good.

I think he's very bright. So, you know..

Uh, what's happening with Matt's other clients?

Uh, well, i know that, uh

Ricky's, Ricky's gone with him.

And, um, uh, will ferrell.

Did he ask Ricky to go with him?

Yes. Yeah, he did.

But he didn't ask me.

Yeah, but you see, i think you -- you -- you're seen

more, more as a writer, Steve.

I mean, so you wouldn't, you wouldn't really sort of need

a manager as well as an agent, so..

So which clients are staying

with the -- with the new assistant?

Uh, Kevin kline.

I can't really see him going anywhere else. Um..

Um, look.. Uh, Greg

would you do -- do me a favor please?

Can you find out w -- why the script

for "missing" hasn't been green-lit yet?

Uh, that hasn't happened. I mean, that absolutely..

I know, that should've happened. I will get on to that.

I'll get on to that straight away, that, yeah.

Thank you.

So you're in Spain with, with rob brydon?

Yes, I'm with rob brydon.

- That must be fun. - Yes, it's a lot of fun.

Thank you very much, goodbye.

Okay, bye.

"Bittor arguinzoniz

"uses a cooking method so basic

"even cavemen would recognize it

"and yet has become a point of pilgrimage

"for food nerds from around the world.

"Perhaps you regard yourself

"as something of a barbecue king.

"Compared to bittor

"you are a lightweight

"little better than the caveman

"who first cracked the flints together

"to get a spark

"because he found raw mammoth

a bit tough on the teeth."

So, it's, it's essentially a barbecue.

- The fresh cheese. - Oh.

- Thank you. - Ah.

- And a bowl of butter. - Thank you.

They are homemade.

We have buffaloes in our farmhouse

and every day to milk and Victor makes the fresh cheese.

Enjoy.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Encantada.

What she was saying was that

they have their own buffaloes.

- She was saying it in English. - That they get..

Yeah, but when you're -- you're hearing

I've noticed your hearing is not what it was.

Do you mind me saying that?

Listen, stop distracting y-you and me

from the fact that your Spanish is appalling.

I think what you were trying to do before was..

Sorry, my, my..

Bloody, bloody batteries.

Wait, wait, I can't, uh, it's -- it's, it's playin' up.

Hang on, hang on.

Right. Try it again.

Oh! Shit!

Steve, wait, wait. I can't hear a word, mate.

It's -- it's, it's the batteries.

Steve, Steve, i can't hear anything. Ssh!

Steve, Steve, stop, wait. I have got to..

- Very good. - Okay --

but you still can't do this, can you?

No matter how hard you try, you'll never be able

to do the small man in a box.

Whereas, I think that your man, small man in a box is brilliant.

It is also the apotheosis of your career.

Hm.

- Incredible. - Hm. Sum it up for me.

The butter is life-affirming butter.

Life-affirming butter. L-a-b.

The buffalo?

- Wow. - Wow.

This one is the homemade chorizo.

We buy iberian pork meat from salamanca

and Victor makes the chorizo like his grandmother.

- Wow. - It's same chorizo.

Just cooked or cured.

- Cooked or cured. - And..

And one corn croquette.

- Muchas gracias. - You are welcome.

Encantada.

When she said he makes chorizo like his grandmother

is that what she looked like?

No, rob, he means the way his grandmother used to make it.

Fine, well, I think she should be more clear.

Because I'm picturing a grizzled old woman

with the external appearance of chorizo.

Well, you're the only person who is, mate.

- Now. - Mm.

- Fantastic. Hm. - Hm. Wow.

Hang on, if his grandmother tasted like this..

...I'd have a nibble.

Come, come, Mr. coogan. Come come.

You're beginning to thaw, sir, beginning to thaw.

No, I will laugh at stuff if it's good.

Oh, me shoulder.

What have you done to it?

Just getting out of bed in the morning, just pulled it.

You can't rush out of bed.

You've gotta.. You know, what I've been told to do?

Stretch while lying down.

- Before you get out the bed. - Good to rotate it.

You look like a tentative Nazi.

Uh, I think what we're doing, you know, is so wrong

on so many levels, but that just can't stop.

Why are your Nazis so camp?

- Oh, I'm a Nazi. Oh. - You tell me, fuhrer.

Heil Hitler.

- Was he furious? - Mm, he will be.

Hey, we continue.

Green mussels.

- Oh. - With carrot juice.

- Carrot juice? - Yes.

Bueno.

- Oh, no, no, Steve. - Oh!

- Look, look. - I know.

But what do we do? We, we..

- You just take one. - Alright.

Mmm. Wow.

Well, here it is, Mr. coogan. We managed to get it out.

Um, I mean, the good news is it's benign.

The bad news is we found seven more of them.

Some of them have gone into the lymph nodes.

Are you gonna read that book while we eat lunch

or you just brought it as a sort of badge?

No, I brought it because I'm..

Um, I'm emulating his journey.

"As I walked out one summer morning.."

What would your version be?

"As I drove out one summer morning

in my v8 Land Rover."

- Range rover. - Range rover. Sorry, sorry.

- That's a terrible mistake. - Yeah.

How much have you read?

Um, about quarter.

- But he's very good -- - it's a big book.

- Good lord, another one. - One sauvignon blanc.

Ah, yes.

To drink with the grilled scallops.

- Ah. - The caviar is from Iran.

- Oh. - Enjoy.

Estupendo. Iranian caviar.

Please. Go first.

No, no, no. Please. You go first.

Well, before I do, scaramanga

why don't i turn them that way?

In which case should you have interfered with my --

in my country, it is always traditional

that the nearest scallop is served to the guest.

Where I come from, it is a custom

to proffer the largest scallop

to the guest.

In my country when such an offer is made

it is traditional to turn the plate round twice..

...and replace it on the table.

Come, come, Mr. bond.

You enjoy the scallop just as much as I do.

Please eat.

Bottoms up.

Goodbye, Mr. bond.

Mr. bond, goodbye.

You should pay more attention to your chef.

He's working for her majesty's government.

Starter for ten. What is the camino de Santiago?

- Um.. - No?

"The pilgrims' route

"to Santiago de compostela

"where St. James is supposed to be buried

"became the most important destination for christians

after Rome and Jerusalem."

I met, I went to the ultimate pilgrimage to see the pope.

I went there with "philomena"

and introduced "philomena" to the pope.

And we welcome "philomena" back into the conversation.

It's been a good five to six minutes

since he last brought it up.

But, no, no, go on. Always nice to hear.

- Well, I mean, you know.. - So you were there for, so what--

I can't, I can't pretend it's not been

a significant part of my life, but there you go.

Can't pretend it's not been a significant part

of this bloody journey.

This is nice, isn't it?

- Wonderful. - Lovely.

You look like the man, the man who'd follow James Bond

at a distance in, uh, one of the Sean Connery films.

- One of the early films. - But would never say anything.

- Yeah. Yes. - Never speak. You're mysterious.

- Sinister figure. - Sinister figure following him. Yeah.

Sos del Rey catolico. Now what does that mean?

Uh, del Rey is the reign, uh, catholic reign.

So it's the sos of the catholic king.

Um, because that's where king ferdinand was born here.

- Right here? - Right here.

Well, not here, but you know, around there.

He -- he introduced the Spanish inquisition?

- Yes, indeed. - Are you sure about that?

He was a catalytic converter in a way.

- Very good. You're on fire. - Cheers.

You'd actually make a very good inquisitor

I think, for the Spanish inquisition.

Don't take this the wrong way. You have an inquisitive nature--

mind, an inquisitive mind, yeah.

And you have a cruel side. You do have a cruel side.

Well, it's not -- it's only a short leap, isn't it

from -- from curiosity to, uh

murderous intent?

I mean, ah, it's quite a large leap.

- It's a very large leap. - It's a big leap.

If I was questioning you and you're on the rack

I'd start with some simple questions like..

I'd just say, okay, just warm meself up.

Like just give me your name, address

tell me what you had for breakfast?

- Rob brydon. - Yeah.

- London. - Yeah?

And what did you have for breakfast?

- Scrambled eggs. - Lovely stuff, okay.

- Uh, rob -- - is that it? Can I go now?

No, no, no. I'm gonna ask you a few more questions.

Just, uh, just take it easy.

- Um.. - Oh, I can't, it's really hurting--

uh, what is your favorite kind of music?

- Bruce Springsteen. - Okay, alright, okay.

- Is that it? - No, no, no. No, no, no.

Um, how many baftas have you won?

- What? - How many baftas have you won?

I can't hear you. Ah.

Okay, okay, just give it another notch --

- aah! I got a welsh one. - How many baftas..

Oh, well, one welsh bafta. Thank you.

You see, how easy that was?

Do you see how easy it was to answer the question?

Okay. Now.

I've been nominated seven times for the normal ones.

That, I didn't ask you that.

- Notch, give another notch. - Aah!

- Well, how tall is he? - Uh..

- 5 -- 5'8" and a half. - Oh. Ooh, really?

- Yeah, yeah. - Ooh. Ooh.

It's not bad, eh? Okay.

Now one more question that you won't want to answer

'cause I'm trying to get you up to 5'9".

I'm on your side here. Okay?

Do you wanna, do you wanna quit at 5'8"?

- No. - 5'8" and a half or do you wanna go for the 5'9"?

- 5'9". - He is gonna go for the 5 foot 9.

Okay, one more question.

- Rob? - Yeah.

Do you believe in the lord god almighty?

I'd rather not say.

- Aah! - Give it another couple of notches.

And we have 5'9".

- Ah, thanks! - Rob brydon, let him go.

You leave here as a 5'9" man. Congratulations.

Thank you, Steve. Ooh, I've hit my head.

There you go, that's gonna be a problem

you're gonna have to contend with now.

You just have to let your trousers down too.

Ladies and gentlemen, rob brydon.

This is the area that Terry Gilliam was in

when he was trying to do "don quixote."

"Lost in la mancha" is the documentary

about his failure to do so.

And it's a show i would like to do.

- "Man of la mancha." - "Lost in la mancha?"

Or "man of la mancha" is the -- the stage musical.

It might be my next theatrical venture.

- Really? - Yes.

You get to sing "the impossible dream."

Given that this is rioja

I would've thought we'd see a lot more vines.

It's of no interest to me these days, rob

because I no longer drink alcohol.

I like wine. I like rioja.

What's with all the dinosaur signs?

I suppose there's lots of dinosaurs

that used to live around here.

I say we visit

'cause Chloe loves dinosaurs.

- Who's Chloe? - My daughter.

Oh.

I'm gonna put my boots on.

- Putting your boots on? - Yeah, dusty.

We're only going there.

Love these boots.

Those, yeah, no, they're -- they're good

uh, intermediate walking shoes those.

But, uh, you couldn't attach

crampons if there was any ice.

Well, I don't plan to go on any ice.

No one plans for ice, rob, you've gotta be prepared --

hey!

You see? That's not, not very good for scree work either.

You just gotta be decisive about where you put your feet

that's all.

Do a picture of me

with the dinosaur.

Which one's the dinosaur?

Okay, uh, seeing as the dinosaur's doing

a McCartney-style thumbs up, then why don't you mimic that.

Hey. Rock and roll.

I mean, Ringo, he was actually a good drummer, you know?

What's that -- what's that dinosaur called?

- Barney. - No, it's a t-Rex.

It's actually not, it's a iguanodon.

How do you know?

Throw the phone?

Because, um, Chloe is an expert.

Well, tell me this

why, uh, they changed the name

of a brontosaurus to a brachiosaurus.

No one's given me an --

the brontosaurus which would previously roam the lands --

- who's that? - It's John hurt.

- That's not John hurt. - Who is it then?

Well, I don't know, but if you're gonna do John hurt, you have to, um..

The brach.. The brachiosaurus would once roam the land.

The king of all he surveyed.

That's a very good John hurt.

King of all he surveyed.

It's a combination of him as..

...quentin crisp and caligula in "i, claudius."

- Why are you standing -- - you can go away now, rob.

I was thinking of killing you, but I've changed my mind.

So does Chloe, uh, know about the different

uh, prehistoric periods?

Yep.

Not, you know, she..

- Does she know triassic? - Like she can sit an exam but --

Jurassic? Cretaceous?

She knows some of those. She knows the words.

I'm not gonna pretend that she could

take a, give a lecture.

Of course in the..

In the triassic period, there's only

the -- the world was one land mass

just with the sea, and that was it.

One -- one body of land and then in the Jurassic period

split into two big lumps of land.

And then the, finally the cretaceous, it broke up

into the continents that we know today.

Look at that.

They're the actual footprints.

Quite big, aren't they?

What size are your feet?

Seven.

- Really? - Yeah.

Go on then, off you go.

No, it's just that, that is quite --

- they're too small. - Quite feminine.

They are feminine, i know.

- I'm not gonna -- - small feet.

Nice on a woman, a bit weird on a bloke.

- Indeed. - Yeah.

If I could change one thing about me

well, it wouldn't be the feet, but I would

I would, I would get to the feet quite soon.

It'd be feet, height and hair, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- Ah! - Oh!

Pimientos del cristal asados a la Lena.

- Gracias. - Muchos gracias.

Muchos, muchos gracias.

Un poquito mas de vino le pongo.

Well?

- No, thank you. - Vale.

- What was he asking? - If you wanted some more wine.

Mm. Mm!

Terrible year in many ways.

If you think about the number of the people who've died.

- I mean, gifted people. - Yeah.

David bowie's death was like..

What did Tony visconti say?

"It was a -- it was an artistic act, his death."

Yeah. Well, it was -- it was remarkable.

No funeral. He literally just went poof.

Had a song called "Lazarus" on his -- on his last record.

Yeah, it was wonderful. It was actually brilliant.

Yeah, it was. It was admirable.

I told you about the time he was on the radio

and, uh, he wanted to mention me but couldn't remember my name.

- Really? - Mm.

He was being interviewed

and, uh, the interviewer said

"wha -- what'd you do when you're, um..

...on tour on the bus?"

And he said he watched "cruise of the gods," that we did.

And he said, "you know the one, it stars that guy."

- Really? - And he said, "who?" Yeah, he said, "who?"

And I was in the kitchen, like, "oh, my god!"

"He's about to mention me. David bowie."

- Sure he didn't mean me? - No, no, no.

Because he said, "you know, the one from "Marion and Geoff.""

- Really? He said "Marion and Geoff?" - Yes, yes.

Yeah, and i -- I was going, "it's me, it's me."

And the interviewer was going

"no, I -- I don't know, i don't know."

So he never said my name

but he was thinking of my face at that moment.

And when he died, i looked at his Twitter feed

and you know what, Steve?

- He followed me on Twitter. - Really?

You don't know what to do with that information, do you?

Well, no disrespect to you

but he's just ever, ever so slightly

I mean, microscopically diminished

in my mind.

Just think and I know you won't like this.

There would've been a time when he sat there

with his phone and went..

And he would've pressed on that button and clicked

and followed me and seen every tweet.

Hm.

Now as you know, this was a moors castle.

And when it was conquered by the Christian

it became the -- the official residence

of the siguenzas bishop.

- Please, after you. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

And during the civil war, the town was bombarded

by the condor legion

and the castle was hit.

- Like como en guernica? - Yeah, like guernica.

Um, the last resistance of the town

took place in the cathedral

and it was bombarded too.

And they surrender because

they didn't have any more ammunition or --

yes, of course, wow.

The final attack.

Over there, we have, uh

a room that was a setting for a Marlon Brando's movie

in the early '90s.

He played the role of, uh, friar torquemada.

He was the grand inquisitor of --

of course, the Spanish inquisition.

- Yeah. - "Nobody expects that!"

Mi amigo le gusta monty python.

- I love them too. - Oh, yeah? Wow!

- Please, after you. - To the left.

Yes, of course.

- This is Jonathan. - Hey, Jonathan.

- Steve coogan. - Steve?

- Hey, how are you, man? - Good. How are you?

Yeah, I'm great. So listen, I spoke to the studio.

- Mm-hmm. - And, they like the script.

They're totally on board for this film.

- Fantastic, great. - Yeah.

What's the catch?

Yeah, uh..

They wanna bring a new writer on.

- What? - Well, it's for a Polish.

It's just for a Polish. It's..

Hey, how are we doing?

- Hello, how are you? - Yeah, really good.

Ah. Oh, where'd you get that?

I found it here.

I thought you'd lost that.

Thought I'd hidden it.

- Who? - Ed hirsch.

I don't.. Who's he? Never heard of him. What's he done?

He's written a few scripts that have really just gotten a lotta heat.

Look over here! Charlie!

I'm here, look!

Look at the little fella down.. There, hello.

He's new, he's hot, he's up-and-coming.

Which, uh, do you.. I've got -- I've got two Oscar nominations.

I'm -- I'm -- I'm new and I'm not up-and-coming.

I've -- I've arrived.

Ah..

Good evening.

- Good evening. - Buenos tardes.

Isn't it a magnificent room?

It's the Brando room.

I just watched a little clip on YouTube of him.

But you can't really work out exactly where they are.

He's very overweight at that stage.

Yeah, which is fine for, uh, torquemada.

Gives him presence.

I was playing torquemada

in the Spanish inquisition.

Nobody expects Spanish inquisition.

Nobody does.

Amongst all weaponry

are such diverse elements

as fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency

and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope

and that's with uniforms.

Nobody expects a Spanish inquisition.

Amongst all weaponry and fear

surprise, a ruthless efficiency

and an almost fanatical devotion --

- you're doing him in "the godfather." - What?

- You're just doing -- - I was doing '70s Brando.

Well, he spoke like this, kinda nasal.

You know what, his voice was a little higher the way he spoke.

It was, you know

it was like that, you know --

you've got a de niro thing going. You're doing your de niro.

If I, if I was doing de niro, I'd do it like that, you know?

That's the way, that's the way de niro spoke, you know?

Let's do something about that, you know.

That's right, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna rip your head off, shit down

your goddamn fuckin' neck

you two-bit dick suckin' motherfuckin' asshole.

- That's terrific. That's terrific. - Yeah.

The reason you think I'm doing de niro when I'm doing Brando

is because de niro himself was influenced by Brando.

So, when de niro acts

you see a residual element of Brando in what he does.

So, you've got it the wrong way round.

So in attempting to criticize you

I've inadvertently complimented you.

You've shown up some of the detail in Brando --

you certainly came out on top in this exchange then.

I am only telling you the truth.

Nobody expects a Spanish inquisition

and nobody expects a comfy chair.

No, he's gotta do the, get..

...the comfy chair.

Get the comfy chair.

I'm like a turtle, look at me.

Get the comfy chair.

Get the comfy chair and a piece of lettuce.

I'm gettin' hungry.

Amongst our weaponry is..

Such diverse elements the..

- Woody Allen. Yeah. - I know, Woody Allen.

Amongst our weaponry

is such diverse elements as fear.

Uh, surprise, an -- an almost fanatical devotion

to the Yankees.

Ehh.

Do you wish to confess?

No.

You know all Jews were told to leave the country

by order of the catholic king and queen.

Yes, but, mm, I'm not a Jew.

My lord, I'm -- I'm a catholic, Roman catholic, sir.

If you're catholic, then you must respect my authority.

My authority comes from the pope.

I've met the pope.

My lord, I met the pope.

I met his holiness at the Vatican

and he saw a film I made.

- You're lying. - I'm telling the truth, my lord.

I -- I, he didn't, he didn't see the film

but his advisers did, and they gave him a breakdown of the film

and he approved it.

You're a, you're a heretic.

My lord, I am not a heretic, I am not Jewish, i am not Muslim.

I am a Roman catholic, i -- I promise you.

I don't know "the quran," i hardly know the old testament.

I, I was an altar boy, um --

shh.

Do you respect my authority?

- Well, uh.. - Do you respect my authority?

- Why -- why are you mumbling? - I'm what?

What did you say?

You're not enunciating, anuncio.

I'm sorry, Esteban.

Do you respect my authority?

Yes, I, yes, i respect your authority.

Take him away.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

What's going to happen now?

I'm not.. I've not done anything. I haven't..

Why, why are they taking me backwards?

I have not done anything.

I'm, I'm catholic.

Hey, guess where I'm taking Joe

uh, at the end of this week?

There, look.

- Zip wire. - Yeah, longest one in Spain.

- Have you done this already? - Oh, yeah.

I've done about five in the uk

couple in Europe.

Word of warning. What's the age limit on this?

There's no age limit. As long as you're fit.

Uh, there's a height restriction.

Well, we were in Italy last year

and there was whitewater rafting.

Yeah.

So I thought I'd check out

you know, the age.

Eight to fifty-five.

- So by the time Charlie's old enough to do it-- - what?

- That's ridiculous. - I'll be too old.

- I know. - Fifty-five?

- That's ridiculous. - Why can you not whitewater raft at 55?

I might get some fake ID or something like that.

Yeah, you'll have to get a fake ID like a teenager.

Uh, John Jones, born in 1970.

I'm -- I'm a carpenter from wrexham.

- You say you're a carpenter? - That's right.

Simple question.

You're building a bog standard

uh, tongue and groove, glue and peg

wooden bench for outside.

What kind of wood do you choose

if you want it to weather into a nice silvery patina?

Ash, beech, teak?

Simple question.

Better hurry, there's other people

who wanna get on this whitewater raft.

Um, could you tell me the woods again?

Ash, teak, beech.

- Ash, teak, beech? - Hm.

Beech?

Na, mate. It's teak.

Any carpenter worth his salt will tell you that.

- Don't cry, Charlie. - You're not..

- You're not a carpenter, mate. - Please, let us go on.

It's the only chance I've got to --

on your way.

Don't cry, Charlie, don't cry.

Maybe mommy can take you.

Look at the boy, he's crying.

Oh, how old, how old are ya?

- What? - How old are you?

I'm 56.

Oh, for Christ's sake, go on, on you.. Get on.

Thanks a lot. Oh!

Oh, I got shooting pains down my arm.

Don't tell me that. I've just broken the rules for you, nob.

Give me a minute. I've gone light-headed.

Alright, thank you.

Come on, Charlie. Not so fast, son.

Oh, you know, um, walking downhill

very good if you engage your abs.

Yeah, of course.

Um, and, if you engage your abdominals

it takes the pressure off your knees.

Who told you that?

It's just, you can feel it anatomically.

I figured it out.

Hardly stand up to a focus group, would it?

Well, you wouldn't show it to a focus group --

clinical trials. It wouldn't stand up to clinical trials.

Exactly. Wouldn't show it to a focus --

clinical trial, that's why i said clinical trials.

Okay, yeah. You don't need clinical trial. It's just..

If you, if you listen to your body, you can figure it out.

It's just like a shock absorber, so the knee

doesn't have to take all the -- all the impact.

Wow.

Big.

Bigger than it looks from outside.

Hey, take your hats off in church.

Frowned upon.

I'm trying to find out where the bomb damage is.

From, uh, you know..

...from when Franco and the Nazis..

Exhibition there with cervantes and Shakespeare.

There, look!

Why would they have the two of them in one exhibition?

They both died in the same year.

It seems they've done a very good repair job.

I can't see any damage.

Or maybe it wasn't this part of it that got damaged.

The -- the workmanship of this is a, is a testament to

to all the workers who helped construct it

and yet Franco, very happy

despite claiming to be a catholic to bomb

the shit out of a religious building

which just shows you what kind of a vandal he was.

We're having flooring just like this in the kitchen.

- Partner's there. - Yeah.

Buried, lying next to each other..

...for eternity.

"First collected edition of Shakespeare's works. 1623."

So in the '60s, seven years after he's dead

already they realized what they'd lost.

Rob. Rob!

"Electronic '80s album cover."

Very good.

I'm holding my stomach in while I do this.

Just walking downhill is actually better for that, you know?

Yeah, but I, i hold it in pretty much all the time now.

Would you ever do Shakespeare on the stage?

I would have liked to have played "Hamlet."

That train has left the station.

Who would you like to play now?

Olivier played him when he was 42.

Olivier was a better actor than you.

- Well, a different actor. - A better actor.

A different actor.

- "King lear?" - He's an old man.

He's not that old. He's a father.

You've got more in common with him

than you have with a teenager.

Have you lost something?

She is gone forever.

I know when one is living and one is dead.

And she's dead as earth.

Lend me a looking glass..

...that if her breath..

...a mist of stain the stone..

...why then she lives.

Very good.

Very good. "Midsomer murders."

You're a, you're a father who's just been told

his daughter's been killed in a road accident

and that is effective

and we're straight into the adverts after that.

I have of late though wherefore I know not

lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise

and indeed it goes so heavily my disposition

that this goodly frame the earth, look you

this fine o'er hanging firmament the sky

it seems nothing to me, but a foul congregation of vapors.

Aa-ha-ha.

"Jumpin' Jack flash."

Stones do Shakespeare, come on.

Oh, oh, that is too, too solid flesh

would melt and resolve itself into a Jew.

All that the everlasting not fixed his canon

against self-slaughter.

Has Russell brand ever done Shakespeare?

- Oh, god, god. - Mick Jagger. You're doing Mick Jagger.

- You're doing Mick Jagger. - Well, I, uh..

What a, um, what you saying? Aah.

Ha, what's that?

- Alright then. Huh. - Huh. Huh.

That's not Mick Jagger. That's a lot of noises.

Ah, Steve, how you doing? You alright?

What it's no, if you.. Quiet, quiet, let me do it.

No, no, you, you can't do.

You're copying morrissey, and it isn't like that.

That's all gay. He goes like that.

What piece of work, he's a man.

He goes really deep sometimes

and you can't get down there.

You can only go up there.

You need to go up and down to do him properly.

You saying i can't get down there?

You're seriously saying i can't get down there?

No, that's not.. I was just saying that you're a bad Mick Jagger.

- Gracias. - Muchas gracias.

- Si, si. I like wine. - Nice vino, yeah.

Muchas gracias.

So George orwell came over to Spain in 1936.

- Oh. - Joined --

one year after the birth of Elvis.

He come out to Barcelona with his wife.

- With his wife. - She stayed there --

mini break.

- She stayed there -- - it's a good place for a mini break.

Is that what they were doing?

Were they able to do that in those days?

Do you wanna learn anythin' about civil war at all

or you just think it's, like, or you just think

"i don't know, i don't really give a damn about the civil war.

I'm not that interested in it."

I want to learn something about civil war.

Okay. So he came out to Barcelona, left his wife there

went off to the front to fight, 50 miles away.

And when he came back, he was so disillusioned

with the intellectuals who were back in Barcelona.

When he went back there, he saw them all.

Uh, they'd become bourgeois, they'd lost sight of their ideals

though he said they were eating fancy food

in posh restaurants.

So he went back to the front one more time.

Eventually he got shot in the throat.

Couldn't speak for six months.

Where's your bullet to the throat when you need one?

I don't think if I were to say to Sally..

...i was going off to fight, she wouldn't stand there

and just say alright, you know, you're going off to be killed.

Yeah, or kill.

That's a very good point

'cause that's something else I couldn't do.

I wouldn't fight a war because I got kids.

- I got kids. - Yeah.

But if I didn't have kids, i think I would be --

- I don't think you would. - I think I would.

I think you'd like to think you would

but I don't think you would.

You'd go and entertain the troops.

You'd go and do Alan partridge for the troops.

That's what you would do.

And all these proper men

who are giving over everything

would love it as you came out and went "ah-ha."

You know what I'd love if a sniper got you at that moment. Ah..

You didn't even finish the "ah-ha." You only got to "ah."

I'd do the "ha" as I would with my dying breath.

- I don't think you would. - I would.

No, you wouldn't. It's to the head, you idiot.

- Ah! - You wouldn't say "ah-ha."

- I'd get the "ha" out. - There'd be no "ha."

And I'd say, if Steve were here now, i know what he'd say..

- Ha-ha! - Hm.

- Hello? - Hi, Steve.

Hello, Emma love.

How are you? How's it going?

Doing very well, yes.

Good, good. How's, how's rob doing?

Uh, rob is, uh, great.

He's doing very well indeed.

I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, you're on speakerphone. That's why I'm being nice.

Hiya. How are you?

Oh. Hi, rob. I'm good, thanks.

I'm just, I'm calling to remind you that I'm coming out to see you tomorrow.

- Yay! - Yay! Thank god.

I'm at breaking point.

Also.. Okay, great.

And I'm, I'm bringing yolanda with me

to do the photos for "the New York times."

- Oh, great. - And "the observer."

So I just wanted to remind you

that they do want you to dress up as don quixote

and Sancho panza, okay?

What a surprise.

- Which one am I? - Uh, you, rob, you're Sancho panza.

- Hey. - Yeah, good.

A supporting role as ever.

"Parador de cuenca is a majestic former convent.

Careful.

"Perched above the cuenca gorge

with stunning views of the old town."

Oh, look at that. Look at that. Oh, that's beautiful.

When that's.. Don't look at it too much.

Hello.

Hi. Is that rob brydon?

Uh, speaking.

I've got Matt Jacobs for you.

Okay.

Hey, rob brydon. He-he-he-he-he.

- Hello. Hi, Matt. - Hey, man, how you doin'?

Yeah, I'm alright. How -- how are you?

I'm good. How's, uh, London?

Oh, I'm in Spain. I'm not in London, I'm in Spain.

- Hi, Greg. - Hi, Steve. How are you?

I've been better.

Uh, do you know they brought a new writer on

to, uh, to -- to rewrite, uh, "missing?"

Yeah, but it's -- it's nothing. It's -- it's just, it's standard.

It's just -- just for a Polish, that's all.

I'm with Steve, with, uh, with Steve coogan.

Oh, Steve coogan. Yeah, yeah, good, good.

Is this the Matt, the.. That's Steve's agent?

Yeah, uh, well, no.

I mean, I've left the agency.

Uh, uh, we met at Sundance.

You remember that.

Uh, I've got, uh, two Oscar nominations.

Uh, the last film i wrote

had four -- four academy award nominations.

Yeah, I know, but do you know what, he's really

he's, he's great, he's, he's up-and-coming.

Uh, uh, up-and-coming? I -- I've up and come.

I've already up and come.

Yeah. You have. No, absolutely, you have.

You have, Steve, you have.

Look, let me cut to the chase.

I saw you in the..."Horseman."

- "The huntsman." - "The huntsman."

I saw you in "the huntsman."

I thought you were fantastic, man.

I mean, really, you burned up the screen. You've got it.

That little midget walk you did.

The -- the screen, the screen loves you

but you were being under-used there

so let me -- let me cut to the chase, okay?

You should be doing what Nick frost is doing.

Well, I did, I -- I did "the huntsman" with him.

This is -- this is what I'm saying.

You should be doing what James corden is doing.

You know, he's the biggest thing on TV.

I was with James in, uh, "Gavin and Stacey."

Oh, I heard about that.

It was supposed to be fantastic.

I, uh, I missed it, but I'll definitely get a copy.

You know, you should be the new Simon pegg.

You should be, you could be

you will be the new Ricky gervais.

Oh, gosh. Well, Ricky, huh?

That's what we all dream of.

What does Jeff think of this?

Jeff, Jeff's fine with it.

Jeff's just very busy doing

another screenplay for fox, so, he -- he --

what, what script is Jeff doing for fox? I didn't know that.

He's doing a script for George Clooney.

For George Clooney? Right, okay.

I had no, I had no idea about it.

Another thing i had no idea about.

Have you, have you ever done any, any hosting

any, uh, awards ceremonies?

I -- I hosted the la baftas once.

The what? They have la baftas?

Who do they give those to?

Listen, never mind.

You should be hosting the golden globes.

This is what I'm talkin' about.

It's my script. Look, I wrote it, I..

Well, I co-wrote it. I'm producing it.

I'm gonna star in it, not Tim hoddleston

or some other fucking posh twat.

This should be the best phone call..

This will be the best phone call you've ever had.

Yes.

- It's my film, okay? - Of course, it is.

That's what it's gonna be. Good, thank you.

He's British at the end.

Turns out..

That's what Laurie Lee did

to pay his way around Spain.

- He busked. - Yeah.

You know that, uh, cuenca was one of the last places

to fall to the fascists in the civil war.

March 29th, 1939.

Perfect position, it's up on a hilltop

so very difficult to attack

and very easy to defend.

Yeah, and they may very well have held out

if it weren't for the fact that the, the army

the republican army turned against the socialist government.

If it weren't for that

Franco may well not have won.

Hola.

We gave you money before, mate.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, fellas. Take care.

You can have a drink with us if you want though.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- You sure? - Yeah, grab a pew.

- There's a seat there. - Actually, that'd be lovely.

- Cheers, man. - No worries, yeah.

Una cana por favor?

- Sound very good. - Thank you, man.

Especially like your backing singers.

Oh, yeah. Hardly the monettes, right?

- You know them? - Um, yeah.

I suppose new acquaintances maybe.

- Wow. - Yeah.

So, you guys, you on holiday?

- No, we're working. - Oh, right.

I'm, uh, I'm writing a book

about my, um, sort of travel through Spain

replicating a journey i did when I was, when I was a younger man.

Well, it's kind of a little bit inspired by, um, Laurie Lee.

You know, well, uh, "when I walked out one midsummer morning."

- Yeah -- - and we're driving it. Cheers!

Uh, cheers, mate. Yeah, I love Laurie Lee.

That's part of the reason when I saw you busking there

I said, "well, this is how Laurie Lee"

because he paid his way through Spain by doing the same thing.

With a violin, yeah, but, yeah, right on.

So you guys staying in cuenca long?

- No, we're.. - No.

One day in every place, I'm writing restaurant reviews

so we go to one town, we're there a day and then we go on.

Oh, have you been in, uh, San Sebastian for food?

It's the best place in Spain for food by a country mile.

- Yeah, I know. - We were near there in santander.

- Weren't we? - Yeah.

Or catalonia, not just Barcelona.

- Food there's excellent, yeah? - Yeah, we just..

Well, we're not, we're trying..

We thought we were gonna go there

but we just thought it was a bit too obvious.

And we're trying, we're trying to do stuff that's a little bit

like, kind of, the kind of nooks and crannies

slightly off, off the beaten track a little bit.

Like San Luca, near cadiz?

The tuna there is absolutely banging.

- You'll love that. - Yeah, I know.

It's more, like, the culture than the food.

Although food's part of it

but it's more, like, the kinda cultural experience.

But if it's food and culture

that you are looking for, valencia.

- Valencia? - Yeah, you probably know it.

- Casa Montana? - I know. Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, it's the best. - I know.

And valencia's got the holy grail.

How long does it take to get to valencia from here?

Well, valencia's like two hours away, man. It's close.

Let's go to valencia.

Well, no, we two.. No, we're not going valencia.

- Well go to valencia. - No.

We'll go to valencia. It's two hours.

We've got a schedule worked out.

We got a pre-ordained route taking in some, uh --

where's the fun in that? Stray from the path, man.

Yeah, we sort of are straying from the path

by not going to places like catalonia, so..

- Okay. - You can go there for us.

- I will, again. - Okay, again, yeah.

Alright, listen, I'm gonna head back to the hotel, anyway

so, uh, I'm gonna head off.

- Going back to the hotel? - Yeah.

- Now? - Yeah, yeah.

You're alright, you'll be alright here with, uh, man.

Get him to play a few tunes. Alright, mate.

Good luck with your Bo diddly stuff.

And thanks for the beer, man.

Yeah, no worries. Okay.

Alright, see you later.

- Sorry about that. - Touched a nerve no more.

He, uh, doesn't like to be told things

that he thinks he knows.

- Hello. - Hello.

You look, uh, delectable and tasty.

Like a piece of ham.

Oh, alright, then, you look sexy.

I don't feel very sexy.

I had a chat with the builders

and they can't start for another month.

- Hey, Misha. - Hi. Where are you?

I had a fan phone call today.

Do you remember the agent

Steve used to have in la called Matt?

Sort of, yeah.

Look, when you come back

I was thinking

maybe we could go out to Rachel's for the weekend?

Fantastic. Yeah, I'd love to do that.

- You're not excited. - Yeah. But I'll..

Uh, you know what, yeah, uh, we'll definitely do that.

But why don't you come out earlier?

He wants me to go with him

and be represented by him in la.

Well, surely, there's no point in that, is there?

Absolutely the right answer.

Well done. I give you two points for that.

And that is what I will be telling this little American fellow

uh, in me own way. Uh..

That it's too far away from me.

Yeah, of course, it is.

But isn't Joe supposed to come out?

Yeah, but he's -- he can do his own thing.

You know, he's a big boy.

How old is he now?

He's 20 years old now.

Oh, you better watch out.

I might like him more than I like you.

- Yeah, you're gross. - Look, I gotta go.

- I'll talk to you later. - Okay, bye.

Oh, they're here.

Hey. Oh.

- Hola. - Hola.

- How you doing? - Hey.

- Good to see you. - You, too. How's it going?

- Thank you. How are you? - Great.

- Very nice to see you. - Nice to see you.

- Hey, how are you? - Hello, you alright?

- Well, good to see you. - How was your flight?

Yeah, it was very good. So photographs.

- Location's up the hill. - What about them?

- Yes. - I'm gonna have them there.

Yeah.

These are about two sizes too big, the shoes.

Yeah, this is really painful.

I don't know, i don't know how anyone can fight in this stuff.

What shoe size did you give them?

- The size that you sent, sent me over. - Well, that was seven.

These feel like a ten or, or an eleven.

You've only gotta wear them for a minute, so..

- Oh.. - You alright, Steve?

So, you guys ready?

We could've got changed, uh, up here and not down there.

Let him push you up.

One, two, three.

Okay.

- I can give you a push. - I can give you a hand.

No, no. I don't need any help. I've done it before.

One, two, three.

- Hey, there. - Yay, good.

Just about getting the timing right.

- Okay. - Yeah.

There's no saddle. Alright, thank you.

Hang on.

- Okay. Do it quickly. Yeah? - Hold your horses.

Oh-oh!

- Take the picture. - Just take the fucking picture.

What's she doing there? Is she on the Internet?

- Just take the picture. - Yes, I'm coming, rob.

Very good.

don quixote had three trips, didn't he?

He had the one that he went out on his own.

And he went back and visited Sancho panza

and then he had the sequel and -- and this is

now your third trip.

When cervantes wrote the sequel

in the interim, after he'd written the -- the first part

there was a fake sequel published.

Then he incorporated the fake sequel

into his real sequel.

So, he made that part of the story.

So when he wrote in his travels in the second book

he bumps into people who've read the fake sequel.

And so he can slag it off within the pages

as don quixote.

That is so bold and innovative.

I mean, it's 500 years ago.

So, effectively, he was post-modern

before there was any modern to be post about.

Amazing.

Cervantes, of course, when he was 37

he married a 19-year-old.

Impressive for a man with one arm.

Thirty years ago when I came to Spain

I was 18 years old, I was pursuing

a 37-year-old woman.

- She was 37? - The reverse.

I wasn't doing the kind of cliche

going with a younger woman..

She was actually 20 years older than me.

Would you now be with a woman 20 years older?

Well, I don't -- i think that that's --

I'll ask again.

Would you now be with a woman 20 years older?

A 70-year-old. A 70-year-old.

That's academic.

She -- she could be in any profession, it wouldn't matter.

But he imagined that the, uh, the inns were castles, didn't he?

- In -- in his imagination. - He did, yeah.

We've been staying in inns?

Well, we've been literally staying in castles.

Sorry, we have, yeah. No, we've been staying in castles.

I think they're inns. He stayed in inns, he thought they were castles.

- So it's, uh.. - So -- so, yes.

- Like a circle and a spiral. - The other way around.

- Yes. - Like a wheel within a wheel.

Never ending or beginning

on an ever-spinning reel.

Yeah.

Like the circles that you find

in the windmills of your mind.

- The windmills. - Windmills.

That could be a post-modern manifesto.

- It really could. - Or a lovely song from the '70s.

"Spanish fly," rob brydon, Steve coogan.

Wonderful stuff from them.

Now, don't forget, we've come a long way this morning --

uh, let me just interrupt you there

old kibby Bruce, me old friend.

Because, uh, anyone who's anyone

will know that..

...the title of the song by herb Albert

is "Spanish flea" and not "Spanish fly."

May I be so bold as to pick you up

on a wee-point, which is, that it's not herb Albert.

It's herb Alpert, with a p.

You got your -- your ps and your bs mixed up there.

You got your fleas and your flies all over.

And you've got your, you've got your ps and your bs.

I feel a little bold with the mistake there

so that you can pick me up, so we're all..

So we're all even-Steven.

...probably never know if that was a sweet..

Fleas, flies, peas, bees.

You put a p in the wrong place..

I had a p in the wrong place once

they won't let me back in that supermarket again.

Yes, and don't forget that, you know

time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies

like a banana.

This is beautiful. Very calming.

- Yeah. - It's wonderful.

It's interesting, isn't it? We started in the birthplace

of king ferdinand.

And here we are at the place where they were buried.

- Here? - Yeah, in the hotel.

- It wasn't a hotel then. - No, it wasn't then.

That would be awful, wouldn't it? Dreadful.

I have a reservation, uh, Smith.

- Corpses of. - Give us a moment, please.

We are about to bury the king, please.

What? Yes, we have a gymnasium.

Why are they buried in granada then?

Because this is the last town

to fall to the catholics.

That's why they call them the catholic king and queen.

The thing with the moors is they were way more tolerant

than the catholics who came after them.

I'm a big fan of the moors. I'm..

Dudley Moore, Christy Moore, Patrick Moore.

No more, please.

- Roger Moore. - No.

When I think back to the moors being here in Spain

I can honestly say we had a wonderful time.

Mother booked the holiday and we arrived

and found the hotel to be to our liking.

And of course, what you're forgetting to point out is that the moors

when they conquered Spain in the early 8th century

they were, uh, encountering a Europe

that was still very much in the dark ages.

It was pitch black.

But they, of course, built beautiful palaces like this.

They were very ahead of their time.

I have to tell you, when we were building these palaces

my fellow moors, mother, father, and sister

sometimes we would encounter a workman

who, perhaps, wasn't working quite as quickly as I would want.

Then I would say to him..

- Move! - Move!

- Move! - Move!

- Move! - Move!

- Um.. - A lot of them thought they were hearing cows.

The thing about doing Roger Moore..

- Yes? - Less is more.

Ah, you've met my brother, les. Les, come in.

That's right, I'm also a Moore. Les Moore.

I was trying to hint that you should always

leave your audience wanting more.

My audience constantly wants more

and that's what i give them.

Roger Moore.

Oh, quit while you are ahead.

They introduced the orange to Spain.

- The moors? - Yeah.

- Really? From where? - She's absolutely right.

- I guess Morocco. - Morocco.

That's where they were coming from.

I could explain it to you if you like.

It was my mother. She packed one into her hand luggage.

- He didn't get the hint, did he? - No.

On one of our holidays

of course, I said, "mother, what are you doing?"

She said, "shush, Roger, I'm going to introduce the orange to Spain."

And about the other thing that moors introduced was, of course

uh, our numerical system.

That's right, we're going to calculate --

because basically they..

We used to use Roman numerals

and it was only when they found the arabic numerical system

that we developed that into, into the

the -- the numerical system we use today.

Mm-hmm.

Mother said it would never work.

He's very crazy.

Um, the fact is that

the, the moors were fa -- far more sophisticated.

They knew about medicine, philosophy, uh, mathematics.

- Uh, uh, astronomy. - Oh, we love looking..

Very, very.. Way more advanced than..

And also managed to marry, uh --

my parents did marry. You're quite right.

They married at a young age, they had me --

rob, rob, rob --

- it was a wonderful time. - Seriously, seriously.

It was a wonderful day. My uncle bertie gave the sermon.

He was a preacher, you see?

The Greek philosophers were translated

into arabic by, by -- by the moors, and it was only when

during -- during the crusades

when they invaded Toledo --

I remember father sitting at his desk

translating night and day.

My mother would say to him

"when are you going to take Roger to the park?"

Aristotle's teachings were translated into arabic by the muslims

and then during the crusades, they --

why didn't you say they were done by the moors?

Are you trying to discourage me?

- What? - Look, please, yes --

you've stopped saying moors, you started saying muslims

and I find that a little racially offensive.

Go on. Please.

You started off referring to us as the moors.

Now you're referring to us as muslims.

The moors were muslims.

But why did you start with moors?

It doesn't matter, the -- the people I'm talkin' about

were one and the same, moors were muslims.

No, I'm not Roger Muslim. I'm Roger Moore.

Dear god. Oh, dear.

Oh, I've bought you a ticket the first thing in the morning

to see the alhambra.

- Oh, brilliant. Great, great. - Yeah.

Rob, I've got one for you too.

Can I go later? Can I go after breakfast?

It'll be busy.

Yolanda, you should come with me.

I can't. I have to take an early flight back to London.

- Really? That's a shame. - Hm.

You're leavin' me alone with him?

Ah, you won't be alone. I'm coming with you to malaga.

I'm gonna make sure Joe gets to you safely.

- Thank the lord. - Great.

- Hello? - Hey, hey, dad.

- Hey. How you doin'? - I'm..

Yeah, I'm -- I'm good. How are you?

Um, great. Really looking forward to seeing you.

Well, I've, I've, uh, I've missed you, buddy.

Uh, yeah, that was, that was what I was calling about, actually.

Uh, yeah. Emma's, Emma's, uh, she's been in touch, right?

She said she's organized all the flights --

no, dad. I can't come.

What do you m -- what are you talking about?

I just -- i just can't come.

I need to, I need to stay here with Helen.

What's going on? Talk to me.

She's pregnant.

- You're fucking kidding me. - She's..

- You fucking idiot. - She's pregnant.

I need to stay here with her, so we can figure out what we're gonna do.

Wait, wait, wait, wait..

Are you certain she's pregnant?

Yes, she's definitely pregnant.

And you're sure it's, it's yours?

- Dad! - Um..

Um..

You're 20 years old.

You're too young to have a kid. You know, it's -- it's..

Any decisions you make now

will have ramifications for the rest of your life.

Yes, I know

but I'm not just making decisions for me anymore.

I need to think about her and we need to think about what we're gonna do.

Hah.

- Okay. - Sorry.

You see, you don't have to be sorry, okay?

It's okay. It doesn't -- doesn't matter about coming over here.

You know, it just, um..

Whatever happens, I'm -- I'm -- I'm here for you, alright?

- Thanks, dad. - And I love you.

Love you too.

Okay. Listen, um..

And don't worry about it, alright?

Hm. Yeah.

I love you, and I'll talk to you later, okay?

Yeah. Love you too.

Gracias.

Hey, good morning.

Buenos dias, amigo coogan.

How was the alhambra?

It was, uh, good, it was good

but it was, uh, you know, beautiful

spiritual, blah, blah, blah.

You okay?

Joe's not comin' out.

What? Why?

Uh, his girlfriend's pregnant.

Oh, my god.

- Bloody hell. - What's he gonna do?

Ah, well, i told him he had options.

What does that mean?

Well, he's too young to -- to be a dad.

He's not very worldly, you know?

You know what this means, don't you?

I'd start thinking about it.

You're gonna be a granddad.

Thank you, lord.

Look at those. Ah.

Yeah, a lot of people think they're ugly 'cause they're modern

but I think they're, they're beautiful 'cause they're functional.

"Tilting at turbines." That's what we should call my, uh

book about Spain.

Good idea.

Oh, look, almeria. Isn't that where you were gonna take Joe snorkeling?

- Yeah, it was, yeah. - Oh.

I brought him here as a baby when I was filming.

How old was he?

- Oh, about six months. - Aww.

You know, we could still stop. We've got time.

I'll go snorkeling with you if you want. I -- I could be Joe.

You dressed in a nappy, crawling around on the beach eating sand

uh, only has limited appeal.

Well, it wouldn't be for everyone.

I mean, I'm the first to admit.

That was a long time ago when I was still married to his mom.

Yeah.

Do you know who lives in malaga?

The mayor of malaga.

- Yes. Correct. - Thank you.

And Sean Connery.

Marbella, Mr. coogan, marbella.

You make the mistake. He lives in marbella.

Yeah, but he -- he flies into malaga.

Uh, by all accounts

he's a very well-respected pillar of the society.

Yes, he's, uh, very active in his civic, civic duties.

I like to get involved. Uh, the recycling, for example.

Plastics on a Friday, cardboard on a Saturday.

Do you expect me to talk?

No, Mr. bond. I expect you to die.

- Well.. - This is the Russian salad.

Thank you.

When he met cubby broccoli

and, uh, Harry Saltzman

to discuss the role, as he left the meeting

and they looked out of the window and said he.. Not yet.

And said.. "What are you doing?"

Getting ready to do Sean Connery.

You appear to be doing him already.

As he left the building, and he walked out across regent street

they looked down and said, "that man is bond. He moves like a panther."

- Like a panther. - Like a panther.

Yes, but walking like a panther

is not enough to bag you the role of James Bond

because, of course, bond is also something of a bulldog, so --

he was primarily --

he had to be a combination of a panther

and, and a bulldog.

Apologies if I've been dragging my ass around the carpet

because I may have worms.

I have a very itchy anus, i apologize now

but it's part and parcel of being a panther or a dog.

When you introduce me to blofeld

perhaps I should curl up and lick my balls.

I think I make quite a good knight, don't I?

- Yeah. - You do, actually, yeah.

With the best one in the world

you could never be El cid.

You could be a chap called sid, just not El cid.

- I could be old sid. - Yeah.

- You could be old sid. - Old El cid.

Look me in the eye and tell me you think you could play El cid

in a remake, the charlton heston role.

I mean, then you could certainly play Michael hordern in El cid.

- Who did he play? - Someone's dad. I can't remember.

Oh. You know who Michael hordern was?

- Michael hordern? - I don't.

Michael hordern would go..

- Uh, Paddington bear -- - yeah, I know --

that wasn't Michael hordern, that was Michel hordern's horse.

Michael hordern.

Didn't he do "no man's land" with gielgud?

You wouldn't know, it's theater, but he did.

- Did he? - Yeah.

You know who's doing it now?

I -- Ian mckellen. "You shall not have the ring --"

Ian mckellen speaks like that with a slight..

However refined he is, northern flat vowels.

Yes. Gracias.

Finito.

Muchos gracias.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Yeah, but you're missing a bit of campness, you see, because Ian --

well, no, i think you overplay that.

No, no, no, no, no, no..

You don't quite get it --

I've spoken to him in person. Oh, you do make me laugh.

I have met him many, many times.

- How many times? - Many, many times.

And you don't get the musicality when he throws a line up --

that was good. That was good.

But still with the flat vowels, they're very much in evidence

however much he may try to be the supronunciation

with the vowels.

Oh, you do make me laugh, you really do. Oh, you do make me laugh.

Oh. We need a laugh, don't we?

Oh. You do make me laugh, rob, you do.

Does he do that more in private though?

'Cause when he met me, he said, "you're a very good actor."

- Ooh, yum! - Ah!

- Enjoy. - Gracias, gracias.

Do you wanna come back with me? I can get you on the same flight.

No, I'll stay. Thank you. Um, I'm gonna write.. I'm gonna finish my book.

I think the word you're looking for is start.

Thinkin' about Joe.

Twenty is a young age to have a child.

How old were you when you had your kids?

- Forty-three. - A bit of a difference.

Yes. I didn't drink till I was 35.

Had my first child at 43.

Are the two related? We'll never know.

How old? Yeah, what's her name, the girlfriend?

- Helen. She's 19. - Ah!

- Nineteen? - Gosh.

Only 19 years old.

She was only 19 years old.

I don't mean any disrespect, Steve, but --

she was only 19, she was only.. You've got to get the voice, mate.

Well, you got emosh in your voice when you say it.

- She was only -- - now he has.

She was 19 years old.

Joe, who's met the young lady --

she was, she was only 19 years old.

When Joe and Helen had a child

she was only 19-years-old.

She was only.. It's actually 16 in the film.

I know that, but Helen was only 19 years old

and she had a child with Joe.

She had a grandfather who was so talented

who was so gifted.

- He was only -- - the grandfather was only 50 years old.

Fifty years old.

Hey, do you know who was born in malaga?

- No. - Picasso.

- Who? - Picasso.

- Is that true? - Yeah.

They've -- they've opened a museum to him.

Who played Picasso in a very popular film of the last ten years?

Who was it? No, ask Emma.

Who played Picasso?

Guess, it's one of rob's five impressions. That should narrow it down.

It wasn't tom Jones, it wasn't tom Jones.

- No, I wouldn't have thought that. - Wasn't tom Jones?

- Okay, we're getting closer. - Spanish, Spanish.

- You're getting warmer. - Tony Hopkins.

Tony Hopkins played a, a surviving, surviving Picasso.

I played the painter, wonderful man.

Uh, I don't like to talk about it. I like to draw.

I like to put the eyes here, the nose there.

- The mouth up there. - He played Picasso as a welshman?

Well, he didn't, he didn't, sir.

- He didn't do a Spanish accent, Steve. - Did he not?

He doesn't have your versatility. Let's be honest.

Known to paint and he painted the paintings in a figurative way.

He knew how to do still life and he knew how to, uh

you know, paint, uh, the radius.

Pablo, Pablo, uh, some of the men are saying

that you're painting in a very strange way.

They're saying that the nose is where the eyes should be.

- Some of them are saying you're a cubist. - Oh, Pablo, is it?

Not captain or sir? Um, eh?

They're a rambling, skip load.

They want me to put the nose in the front of the face

in the middle, like that.

Right? And the eyes next -- next to the nose?

- Is that what you want? - Yes, sir.

Tell the men I'm gonna put the nose

where the cheek is and we'll put the eyes up here

and the mouth round the corner.

And we'll sail down to the cape of good hope, goddamn ya, sir.

Will put the eyes where I want to

and the nose where I want to.

If you turn your back on me

I shall put two eyes on your back

and a nose down by your ass.

Do you want that, sir? Is that what you want, sir?

Don't turn your back on me.

I will draw you like a cubist. That's what I'll do.

If you turn your back on me, I'll put a nose on your bottom, sir.

Down the hole is a good way, down the hole we shall go.

What's interesting about Picasso is and why I love him

his early paintings are very orthodox.

- Very accessible. - Yeah, yeah.

He knew how to do all that, but he said

"that's not enough, I want to rewrite the rulebook

and be radical and avant- garde."

Are you a bit like Picasso, Steve?

- Well, I, I empathize with his point of view. - Yes, he is, he is!

- He's gonna say it. - What I'm saying is --

can I record this? Hang on, hang on, let me..

- Hola. Buenas tardes. - Hola. Buenas tardes.

Um, I've got a reservation, Steve coogan.

"This castle is gibralfaro

"named after the same man as Gibraltar.

"When the moors came in 711 they were only a few thousand.

"Within a couple of years

they controlled almost all of Spain."

That's exactly the same as Isis and the modern caliphate

because there was only a few thousands of them

and yet they controlled half of Syria and half of Iraq.

And they're trying to emulate what the moors did

when they had controlled everywhere from cordoba to Baghdad.

Well, Isis aren't tolerant. They're not doing it with tolerance and --

no, they're not, but islam, uh, is --

can we stop talking about Isis?

Cervantes was captured by barbary pirates

and taken to Algiers and there was a price on his head.

And when the ransom was paid, he let his brother go instead of him.

- Is that true? - That is true.

He let his brother go when he could've gone?

- Yeah. - Wow.

I know.

Not sure I'd do that. Would you do that?

- Let your brother go? - Uh, probably not.

No, I don't think I would either

even with the best one in the world.

I think if my child was there, they could take my child.

- Oh, yeah, absolutely. - I'd let any child go.

- Any child? - Any child.

As long as it, you know, I mean.. Not, not any child.

I mean, they'd have to be worth the effort.

Well, cervantes, when he tried to escape, he was captured.

He had a noose around his neck, he was taken to Hassan

the leader of Algiers

and he became his lover to literally save his neck.

- Bum or neck? - Yeah.

If that's what it comes down to, yes.

- Life or bum. - Well, either way, you're buggered.

Let me say now, I'm in. I -- I, uh --

- really? - He's in, rather. He's in.

Ah, but they became lovers, so it'd be in out, in out.

- All -- - see that ferry?

- Yeah. - That's the ferry for Africa.

- Really? - Hm.

Yeah, it's always good to say goodbye in the mist

like, uh, the end of "Casablanca."

Could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

- Could be the start of a beautiful friendship. - You gotta get the depth.

I got the depth right there.

Look at that mystical city.

Right. I'm gonna make a move. Um, early flight.

- Okay. - Yeah. Me, too, actually.

- Oh, yeah. - Mm. Oh.

- We say our goodbyes now. - Okay, okay.

Yeah. Sure you're gonna be alright?

- Yeah. Yeah, no, it's, uh.. - Okay.

I'm gonna look forward to this week, writing and --

- alright, good. - What have you, you know?

Hey, what can we say?

- It's been a week. - It has.

And I'll see you..

In another country.

- In the future. - Yeah, in the future.

- Have fun now. - Yeah, okay.

Bye.

Now I disappear into the mist.

Could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

- Buenos dias. - Hi.

- Oh, you're English. - Yeah.

My name's ambrose. I'm the son of the owners here.

Oh, right. Great, great.

Hey, can I help you with your bags?

Yeah, sure.

So, this will be your room.

Oh, this is great, yeah. Very cozy.

Now we thought there were going to be two of you, but..

Yeah, my son, uh, was gonna come, but he, he couldn't make it.

Oh, well.

Right. Well, I'll leave you now.

Okay. How -- how old are you, by the way?

- Seventeen. - Oh.

Well, okay. Thank you.

- Yeah. - Thanks, ambrose.

- Guess who it is. - Hey!

How -- how's it been?

- It was good. - Yeah?

- Where's the team? Hiya. - We're all here.

- Oh. - Where are you?

- Good to see you. - Hey.

- Oh. We missed you. - Come on.

- Daddy. - Come on.

- How's my girl? - Good.

- You good? - Good.

- Who's your favorite parent? - You.

- Yay! - Thanks. Okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

How are you?

- I'm good. - Where are you?

I'm in, uh, andalucia

in -- in the mountains. It's great.

Is Joe there?

No, he's not, no. Look, you should come out here.

I can't.

Why not? What is it, work?

I just can't.

Why, why not?

I'm pregnant.

- What? - Yeah, I know it's stupid.

Well, is it mine?

No.

- Is it Adam's? - Yeah.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

I thought you weren't sleeping with him anymore.

Look, I gotta go. He's waiting for me downstairs.

What, what, he's back in New York?

Yeah. Look, I gotta go.

I'm sorry. Take care.

It's the number one song in the charts.

"Turtle on your head."

I thought Charlie was gonna be in bed.

Well, technically, he's in bed now. Aren't you, Charlie?

- Yeah, he's in his bed. - 'Cause dinner's ready.

Uh..

No, no esta noche.

- Muy bien. - Soy no muy hambriento.

Muy bien, gracias.

- Mm. - Oh, I've missed you.

Mm. I've missed you too.

But now he was back and there's no reason

that we can't resume hostilities..

...as we did before he left.

- Oh, god. - Right.

- That's you, not me. - No, it's your turn.

- You can climb over. - I..

- Come on. - I've been doing it all week.

I've been away for a week.

Quickly, and then we can get back to what we were doing.

Oh, no, the moment's gone. You can forget that.

I might've fallen asleep.

What's the matter? Did you drop him?

Have you dropped him, eh?

Did you want him? Yes.

The dragon looked back from the top of the castle.

He said, "i think you're scared of me.

I'm the biggest dragon in the whole world."

- It's gonna turn orange, isn't it? - Yeah.

Right, darling, have a gorgeous day.

Mommy's picking you up, okay? But I'll be home when you get back.

- Love you. - Bye.

See ya, have a good day.

Hey, Joe. It's dad. Um..

I hope things are okay. Uh, call me.

Let's, uh...Touch base.

Tell me what's going on.

Hello. Hey! How you doing?

Where are you? It's noisy.

I thought you were in the mountains.

It's just the streets here in malaga, you know?

You're not in a bar, are you?

No, I'm not in a bar. No, no. Hey, listen, uh..

Okay, so, I'm calling because, uh..

...um, I want to be with you.

- I know but -- - I don't care about the baby.

I mean, I do care about the baby.

What I mean is, uh -- uh..

Yeah, I'll, I -- I..

I -- I'll bring it up with you, you know?

We can raise it together. Uh, it'll have two dads.

Lots of people do that.

Yeah, lots of gay men.

So it'll have, like, two dads and one mom.

That's...It'll be a lucky kid.

I don't know. I'm in New York, you're in London --

I'll move to New York. I love New York.

You know that. It -- it's..

- Why, why don't you come out? - I don't know.

Come out. And tell you what?

We can go to the atlas mountains.

Hey, do you remember that hotel that you really like?

It's, I mean, I can get the ferry from here and, uh..

You know, I can almost see Africa from here.

Ah..

Oh.

Hello.

Nice surprise.

You're here already.

I've been waiting for you.

I've missed you.

I missed you.

I love you.

Oh, fuck.

Hello?

- Oh, hello, rob? - Hiya. Emma?

Uh, I was just wondering. Have you heard from Steve?

No. Why, should I?

He's checked out of the hotel

and I -- I don't know where he is.

Is he lost in la mancha?

Yeah, he's normally on the phone to me ten times a day

which is why I'm a bit worried.

He'll be sitting somewhere talking to a nun

and asking if she's heard of judi dench.

Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!