Original subtitles

J.D.: After six weeks home with her baby, Carla was facing the decision

that all new moms have to face,

whether she should go back to work.

Okay, so if we take my salary and subtract the cost

of a full-time nanny, plus her health insurance,

we would still end up with

losing $5 a month?

This is completely your decision. I don't care one way or the other.

Maybe I'll try staying home with Izzy for a year.

Yes! Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

As for me, ever since my pregnant girlfriend left,

I've been a little clingy with my roommate.

J.D., I'm gonna get a drink from the water fountain.

You wanna come?

Please, Elliot, I'm not that desperate.

Although I am a little parched. Plus I could hold back her hair.

Are you okay, ma'am?

Ow many fingers do you see?

Call 911 Emergency

Why are you singing?

Wait, why am I singing?

Is there someone here with you?

Someone that we could talk to?

- Are you okay? - Are you okay?

- Are you all right? - Are you all right?

- Are you okay? - Are you okay?

- Are you all right? - Are you all right?

- Are you okay? - Are you okay?

- Are you all right? - Are you all right?

The mind's a freaky thing, Elliot. Maybe she does hear singing.

Yeah, well, I haven't sung since the sixth-grade talent show

when I did Pat Benatar's ell is For Children,

and then afterwards Mr. Shemin, the emcee, said,

"No, actually, hell is for everyone who just had to hear you sing that song."

My mom was so mad, she slept with him and ruined his marriage.

Well, let's see how she's doing.

Ello, I'm Dr. Kelso I'm delighted that you came

So the doctors say you fainted And you don't know what's to blame

Well, put your mind at ease There's no ill we can't outsmart

On behalf of all who work here

- Welcome to Sacred Heart! - Welcome to Sacred Heart!

Our facilities are excellent You couldn't ask for more

As long as you avoid the bathrooms On the second floor

This is Dr. Cox I'll be giving him your chart

And that's Dr. Kelso The kiss-ass of Sacred Heart

You say you burned Your hand real bad

We'll fix you up with gauze

Perhaps you need your fat sucked out

- Or want a smaller schnoz - Hey!

You've caught an S. T.D. From some tasty little tart?

ALL: We swear we won't judge you here at Sacred, here at Sacred

Here at Sacred Heart!

One more thing that I should mention If what I've heard is true

And everyone appears To be singing to you

Your case is very serious And we'd better start

ALL: 'Cause if you think we're singing You belong at Sacred Heart!

Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys!

Welcome to Sacred Heart

So, Mrs. Miller passed both the audiological and neurological exams.

We cannot find anything that explains why she's hearing music.

No? How about this for an explanation?

She's cuckoo-pants.

Run some more tests and turf her to psych.

Hey, Mrs. Miller We just need a stool sample

Why do you need a stool sample If you think I'm just a nut?

BOT: 'Cause the answer's not in your head, my dear, it's in your butt

(BELL RINGS)

You see

Everything comes down to poo

From the top of your head To the sole of your shoe

We can figure out What's wrong with you by

Looking at your poo Turk?

Do you have a hemorrhoid Or is it rectal cancer?

When you flush your dookie down You flush away the answer

It doesn't really matter If it's hard or if it's loose

We'll figure out what's ailing you As long as it's a deuce

Yes!

- Everything comes down to poo - Everything comes down to poo

Cardiovascular and lymphatic Yes, the nervous system, too

All across the nation We trust in defecation

Everything comes down to poo

If you want to know what's wrong Don't sit and act so cool

Just be a man and eat some bran And drop the kids off at the pool

My stomach hurts!

Check the poo

I sprained my ankle!

Check the poo

I was shot!

Check the poo

A homeless guy threw poo in my eye.

Check the poo

Mine or his?

First him, then you

It may sound gross You may say, "Shush"

But we need to see What comes out of your tush!

Because

- Everything comes down to poo - Everything comes down to poo

Whether it's a tumor Or a touch of the flu

Please won't you pinch us off A big fat clue

Our number one test Is your number two

ALL: If there's no breeze Light a match please

Everything comes down to

- Doo-doo - Doo-doo

- Doo-doo - Doo-doo

Everything comes down to poo

You can touch her, it's okay.

Guess what, you guys?

I put an offer on a little house and it just got accepted!

- Congratulations! That's awesome. - I own a house!

Come on, baby. See you!

I'm so excited for us!

Does he think that he's moving in with me?

That would be a "yes."

Excuse me, ex-Nurse Turkleton,

but if you want to hang out around here you're going to need a visitor's badge.

So, Carla, when will you be back?

Not for a year

- A year? - A year?

Not for one long

Long year

We understand you love that kid But this ain't no way to treat us

And I hesitate to say you did What Judas done to Jesus

When you leave us all we'll be upset

Look out, that floor is very wet

ALL: We're going to miss you, Carla We're going to miss you 'round here

- We're going to miss you, Carla - We're going to miss you, Carla

- We're saying this through our tears - We're saying this through our tears

How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?

Who'll tell me that My new toupee looks sweet?

Who'll treat my gay son's rash And be discreet?

Who'll give me better ways to say "Man meat"?

Thanks, I'm using that!

ALL: We're going to miss you 'round here

We're going to miss you, Carla

We're saying this through our tears

How we ever gonna get along without you for a long, long year?

My baby's made the choice To be at home and not at work

So let us all rejoice

'Cause she's the brand-new Mama Turk

He's right, of course, and yet my heart In spite of this feels torn apart

ALL: We're going to miss you, Carla

We're going to miss you 'round here

I need a tissue, Carla

ALL: We're saying this through our tears

How we ever Going to get along without you?

Ow we ever Going to get along without you?

Ow we ever Going to get along without you...

Lunch!

It's going to be a long

Long year

Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy

Am I still singing?

Singing like a bird

Dr. Cox, huge news

I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours

Bumper buddies!

Still, you're not nearly as bad as her

Do you know How much you annoy me?

The answer is, "A lot"

Should I list the reasons why?

Well, I don't see why not

It's your hair, your nose Your chinless face

You always need a hug

Not to mention all the manly Appletinis that you chug

That you think I am your mentor Just continues to perplex

And, oh, my God, stop telling me When you have nerdy sex

Oh, by the way, the last time Kim was in town,

we got some Appletinis and poured them on her good parts!

See now, Newbie, that's the thing You do, that drives me up a tree

'Cause no matter how I rant at you You never let me be

So, I'm stuck With all your daydreaming

Your wish to be my son

It makes me suicidal And I'm not the only one

No, I'm not the only one

It all started with a penny in the door

There was a hatred I had never felt before

So, now I'll make him pay

Each and every day

Until that moussed-haired Little nuisance

Is no more

So, now that is why I call you names Like Carol, Jane, and Sue

Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian Suzanne and Betty-Lou

See, regardless of the names I pick My feelings are quite clear

You're a pain on every day Of every month of every year

Dr. Cox, you've got to help me 'Cause I really am distressed

Can't you find another option? Won't you run another test?

If you want some kind of favor Really any kind of favor

Please just get me peace and quiet from this God-forsaken pest

I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say...

Shut your cake-hole, Mary-Beth

Or I swear to God I'll shut it soon

Congratulations We'll schedule your test this afternoon

I know J.D.'s in a bad place, but I'm an adult,

I'm making good money, I just want to live by myself.

- So, just tell him. - Oh, so it's that easy?

Then why don't you just tell Turk that you want to go back to work?

Well, what the hell am I gonna do?

I could tell a bunch of lies

I could buy him his own place

I could bring the baby here with me

Or tell him there's no space

- Those are some lame-ass ideas. - We are so screwed.

I'm sure you must be scared Not knowing what this test will bring

It could prove that you are crazy Do you still hear people sing?

It's best to know the truth Of that I have no doubt

But you'll have to face the future When the truth comes out

We are running a test That's a waste of our time

But at least she'll accept That she's medically fine

She'll admit that she's nuts Or I'll have to say snore

Just give her the CA T scan And show her the door

While we process your results We'll take you back to wait

We've got drugs to calm you down So you don't stress about your fate

BOT: It's best to know the truth Of that we have no doubt

- But you'll have to face the future - You'll have to face the future

When the truth comes out

You're going to miss it, Carla You're going to miss it 'round here

Gonna hurt him badly

But you can't stay away For one whole year

I know that I'm not crazy

Everything comes down to poo

I hope that I'm not crazy

When we move I'm going to have My own private loo

How am I supposed to tell him That he's not moving, too?

Oh, my God

e doesn't have a clue!

I'm crazy!

If you'd like to reconsider I'd be glad to do my part

If you want, your job is open

Come on back to Sacred Heart

Look at the temporal lobe.

That could be why she's hearing music.

The biggest aneurysm I've ever seen. The woman's a time bomb.

ALL: Sometimes you're Better off not knowing

But this isn't one of those times

Your world's become a musical And your doctors speak in rhymes

It's best to know the truth Of that we have no doubt

But you'll have to face the future

How can I tell him?

Ow can I tell him?

Ow can I tell her?

ALL: You'll have to face the future When the truth comes out

So, Dr. Cox, is it serious?

(ALL SINGING)

When the truth comes out!

Okay, we have to tell them.

They're so close, maybe they'll help each other through it.

Oh, come on, Carla, they're guys, they're not going to get all touchy-feely.

Let's face the facts about me and you A love unspecified

Though I'm proud to call you Chocolate Bear

The crowd will always talk and stare

I feel exactly those feelings, too And that's why I keep them inside

'Cause this bear Can't bear the world's disdain

And sometimes it's easier to hide

BOT: Than explain our guy love That's all it is

- Guy love, he's mine, I'm his - Guy love, he's mine, I'm his

There's nothing gay about it In our eyes

You ask me 'bout this thing we share

And he tenderly replies

It's guy love

- Between two guys - Between two guys

We're closer than The average man and wife

That's why our matching bracelets Say "Turk and J.D."

You know I'll stick by you For the rest of my life

You're the only man Who's ever been inside of me

Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

- There's no need to clarify - Oh, no?

Just let it grow More and more each day

It's like I've married my best friend

- But in a totally manly way - Let's go

It's guy love, don't compromise

The feeling of some other guy

Holding up your heart into the sky

I'll be there to care through all the lows

I'll be there to share the highs

(SQUEALS)

- It's guy love between two guys - It's guy love between two guys

And when I say, "I love you, Turk"

It's not what it implies

- It's guy love - It's guy love

- Between two - Between two

- Guys - Guys

No hands.

Okay, I'll go first.

J.D., I want to live by myself.

Okay, no problem. Turk, will you relay this?

That means you guys are no longer talking.

J.D.!

Wait a second, what did she mean, she'll go first?

Turk, I want to come back to work. It's who I am.

Well, I always thought family was the most important thing

to Puerto Ricans.

I've had it up to here So let me make it very clear

Because I swear I'll never clue you in again

Every time that you profess I come from Puerto Rico

Yes?

For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican!

Don't make a big to-do I was simply testing you

Then why'd you tell J.D. Our baby's Blaxican?

Babe, you know I know the truth

Well, I need a little proof

So list all you know about me Or no sex again

- Let's see, your name is Carla - Oh, yes

- You are Latina - Impressive

You're a nurse, your mother's dead And... Wait, I've got it

- Three sisters - Turk!

Two sisters? Well, I'm sure you have A brother who's a huge jerk-off

Tell me, what's my middle name?

Okay, I'm tired of this game

Let's forget it, I give up I guess you win again

But it's not just me who gets mixed up By all this crazy ethnic stuff

Sorry, even I know she's Dominican

Did I grow up in Illinois Or was it Michigan?

Ow long before we met Was I in medicine?

Was our wedding song The Beatles or Led Zeppelin?

Am I freakin' Puerto Rican Or Dominican?

The thing is guys remember facts

Like what Derek Jeter hit last year Which was.303

And that is why our brains are maxed

And there's no room for things like Birthdays or ethnicities

Well, thank you for that glimpse Into the workings of the inner man

Let's talk about your job And not the fact that you're

Dominican!

You're not staying home from work?

Will that make you happy, Turk?

I'll support you if you choose To earn the Benjamins

Then I'll return to work today Now, you're sure that that's okay?

I say, "S�" Which is "yes" in Dominican

- And Puerto Rican - Turk!

But you're Dominican!

Look, J.D., I don't want to let you down when your life is so crappy.

- Move in with me. - No, Elliot, it's okay.

I was just feeling sorry for myself.

Plus, it's about time you lived on your own.

You're closer to 40 than 30.

- J.D., I'm 29. - I'm playing with you.

Listen, we're gonna be fine. You know why?

We'll be friends forever We're going to be friends forever

We will always be true

Friends forever We're going to be friends forever

I'll always be there for you

We're as close as

The vena cava and the aorta

We're best friends just like

Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid

The tibia, the fibula The left and right ventricle

A hypodermic needle And a latex tourniquet

ALL: Diverticulitis and a barium enema

The vena cava and the aorta

Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid

KELS O: The tibia, the fibula The left and right ventricle

ELLIOT: A hypodermic needle And a latex tourniquet

The vena cava and the aorta

ELLIOT: Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid

The tibia, the fibula The left and right ventricle

A hypodermic needle and a...

What's going to happen? What does the future hold?

So many things that I put off

Assuming I'd have time

Assuming I'd grow old

What's going to happen

And will I be alive tomorrow?

What's going to happen to me?

You're going to be okay

- That's what's going to happen - That's what's going to happen

Everything's okay We're right here beside you

We won't let you slip away Plan for tomorrow

'Cause we swear to you You're going to be okay

I'm going to be okay

- That's what's going to happen - That's what's going to happen

- Everything's okay - Everything's okay

We will never leave you Right here we will stay

- Plan for tomorrow - Plan for tomorrow

'Cause we swear to you

You're going to be okay

We hope

(SHUSHING)

- Did it work? - You're gonna have to tell us.

(WOMAN CATTERING ON PA)

Thank you.

By the way, who was the best singer? You know, like, in your head?

Don't let the fact that I went to theater camp affect your decision.

J.D.: In musicals, there's always a happy ending.

But in life, sometimes when you get what you want,

you end up missing what you left behind.

Whether it's your roommate...

I'll see you in a little while, okay.

... or time spent with your child.

Or even the music you used to hear in your head.

(HUMMING)