Original subtitles

My name is Chip. Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.

My best friend died out of nowhere.

Ah, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.

- And my wife, well... - Your girl's pregnant.

I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years,

but it's helped so many and... I needed help.

I've decided to live my life

100% by the Bible. To the letter.

I get that reaction a lot.

But with the help of my God Squad,

I'm becoming a better man,

one verse at a time.

I am living biblically.

Hey.

Chip, you are not gonna believe what happened...

and you're not listening.

I'm sorry. I was just watching a YouTube compilation

of goats being scared.

I mean, every time,

it's like...

I didn't get Beyonc� tickets in time,

and now they're sold out.

- Oh. - Why? Why?

Oh, hey. Hey, it's okay.

It's just Beyonc�.

Just Beyonc�?

Chip,

have you even listened to Lemonade?

Yeah, you played it for me when it came out.

I thought it was pretty good.

Pretty good?

You can't just listen to Lemonade

and think it's pretty good.

But... I did.

I think she's a talented singer.

A talented singer?

You know, I-I feel like I'm saying something normal

and then you're just repeating it, but angry.

Beyonc� is not just Beyonc�.

She is a goddess and I worship her.

Well, now, see...

I've just been reading about this in my Bible.

And it sounds to me like

you're bordering on the ole false idols territory.

Nah. There's nothing false about Beyonc�.

Ah.

How would you feel if, um...

Jesus at the Barclays Center was sold out,

and I was like, "Hey, calm down, it's just some dude in sandals"

Just some dude in sandals?

I bet Beyonc� couldn't turn water into wine.

She turned a cheating husband into Lemonade.

So a false idol

is anything you worship above God, right?

So when God says, "Do not worship false idols,"

he's talking about Beyonc�.

Tread lightly here, Chip.

I, myself, am an active member of the Bey Hive.

Yes,

as you're describing it,

Beyonc� could be considered a false idol for Leslie.

But let's talk about you, Chip, because you know, remember,

when you point your finger,

you have three more pointing back at you.

Oh.

Well, not if you're my cousin, Fireworks Bill.

The question wasn't, "Does your cousin have fingers"

The question was, "Do you have any false idols?"

Hmm... I don't think so.

I did see Michael Keaton at a sandwich shop once

and I bowed to him.

A false idol doesn't even have to be a person.

The first false idol was a calf made out of gold.

Doesn't zazz me up,

but, hey, I wasn't there, maybe it was a great calf.

Oh, you know who's got great calves?

Mike Keaton.

I wonder what he's filming now.

Let me tell you a story.

I had a convertible once.

Ooh, Mustang.

Miata.

Cherry red, beautiful. I'd drive around town,

my hair blowing in the wind.

So this story is from a while ago.

Yeah.

But I had to give it up

because I woke up thinking about the car instead of God.

And that's where it gets dicey, biblically.

Hello?

Chip?

Look at yourself.

Perhaps your false idol is your phone.

No, it's not.

Would you give up your phone if God asked you to?

God would never ask me to do that.

God asked Abraham to kill his only son.

Yeah, but he didn't ask him to give up his phone.

Look, Chip, it's okay to admit it.

You're not the only one. Look around.

Wow.

Nobody's even talking to each other.

We're all just worshipping at the altars

of our tiny, little idols.

Oh, man, what do I do? Oh, Google it.

Whoa.

The Bible is very clear on false idols.

They are forbidden.

That's right.

That's why Moses got his smashing stick

and went and he smashed that golden calf.

He smashed it real good.

Smash, smash.

Smash! Smash!

Okay!

- Oh! - Oh!

Wh-Why'd you smash your phone?

Wh... he told me to.

I didn't tell you to smash your phone.

You said the word "smash," like, 70 times.

I thought maybe you'd turn it off

- and put it in a drawer for a day. - Okay.

You think maybe if I put it in a bag of rice?

Oh, Chip, please tell me you insured your phone.

Yes, of course I did,

but apparently, intentionally destroying it isn't covered.

It's like, what am I paying you for?

Why didn't you just lie?

Jesus. Jesus.

So, I am going phoneless, obviously.

And while I'm at it, no social media,

and no surfing the Net.

- Hm. - Oh.

You know why those things have an apple on them, don't you?

Temptation. Huh? Think about it.

Since I won't have my phone tomorrow,

it means I will not have any of my beloved apps,

and so I have replaced them

with all of their old-school counterparts.

Mm.

We have: a watch, a map...

Okay.

... a compass,

calculator... huh? Discman,

a disposable camera

and, of course, my Bible.

Just... get in there.

Ha.

Check this out. Old-school selfie.

That'll be fun

to look at in a month.

Chip, now that you've gone all '90s,

how is your pregnant wife supposed to get ahold of you

in the present?

Glad you asked that.

I have reactivated my old beeper.

Huh?

So, now you can reach me in case of emergency.

Okay, good, 'cause this already feels

like a huge emergency to me.

Come in bed.

Woo-hoo! This is gonna be great.

It's noon. Where the hell is Chip?

I don't know. I'm not his mama.

Sorry, Ms. Meadows. I'm on no sleep.

I got obsessed with this ten-part documentary

called Cereal Killer. I was up all night.

I don't get serial killers.

You want to kill one person, fine, but then cool it.

No, cereal like breakfast cereal.

It's about this girl that's the heir

to the Cocoa Puffs fortune and then she just...

Vanished into thin air.

I was up all night, too.

This is my ninth coffee today.

I've spent more time peeing than not peeing.

Where is Chip?

I sent him a text last night. He never responded.

Strong emoji use, too.

The black guy and a white guy was high-fiving.

I figured he'd know it was us.

Yeah, he hasn't tweeted either,

and that boy tweets way too much.

Yet I get banned for posting one tasteful topless selfie.

Okay, I don't care about the tweeting or the texting,

I just want to know why he isn't here.

Vince, call him. He's your work wife.

Oh, just like you and me. Right, Ms. Meadows?

No, Cheryl. A thousand times, no.

Straight to voice mail. That's weird.

Just like in the documentary,

when they call that missing Cocoa Puffs girl.

Well, you don't think he's missing?

Okay, you guys are all cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Leslie?

What time is it?

Stupid watch.

This is why phones replaced you.

Yeah.

Hey, man.

Ooh, gift. Ah, do you know what time it is?

- Little after noon. - What?

Sorry, it's supposed to be here three hours ago, but, eh.

I got to get to work. Oh, my gosh. What is this?

Salami and beer and, ooh,

cheese that doesn't need to be refrigerated.

These are all my favorite things.

Oh, no.

It's my "Love-Aversary."

Yeah, I don't know what that is. Um...

Please sign here, sir.

Oh, you don't understand, delivery guy,

my wife sent me this basket

because this is the day we celebrate the first time

we said, "I love you." It's our "Love-Aversary."

Uh, just an "x" is fine.

I always forget, too.

That's why, the night before, I get an alert on my phone,

but I don't have my phone anymore.

I smashed it because of the Bible.

I'll just sign it.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I'm having an affair with my boss.

Can't look my wife in the eye. It's tearing me apart.

Ding-dong.

Sorry to interrupt. What was your name?

Uh... Rick.

Rick, I need help. Can I borrow Father Gene?

Chip, you can't just barge in here.

Oh, no. It's not a barge.

It's just a little pop-in before I get on the subway.

You can't pop in either. Who are you, Kramer?

Wait outside.

You don't understand. I forgot my "Love-Aversary."

I don't know what that is.

It's the anni...

Rick, can you scooch?

It's the anniversary of the first time

my wife and I said, "I love you."

She got me a great gift, and I don't have anything for her.

How is this more important than my thing?

It's not a competition, Rick. We're both sinners.

Chip, this isn't a priest problem.

Can't you call somebody else about this?

No, I can't because you told me to smash my phone.

No, I didn't. Gil did.

Look, I know that she really wants Beyonc� tickets,

but they're totally sold out.

Go to the box office.

Sometimes miracles happen.

Are you just trying to get rid of me?

- Yes. - Yes.

Okay, box office.

I'll go there right now.

Don't you have a job?

And we're back to the Rick Show.

Yes, I do have a job.

But today I'm putting love first.

Something Mrs. Rick might appreciate.

I got to get a lock on that curtain.

Where am I?

I've walked off the map.

I've walked off the edge of the map.

This is why phones replaced you.

Oh, hey, excuse me, could you...?

Of course you are.

Come on. You made it 30 years without a stupid phone.

You got a big, beautiful brain. Use it!

Ah, compass.

Thank you, brain.

Okay. So, this way is northeast.

How does that help me?

I just called Chip again.

Went straight to voice mail.

What kind of lazy bastard doesn't even bother

to call in sick to work?

Um, maybe the kind of lazy bastard

that's recently been murdered?

He's fine, Cheryl.

I'll prove it.

There's nothing Chip likes more than watching videos of people

getting hit in the face with pies...

except watching videos of people fall off of treadmills.

Well, I'm about to post a video of a guy

getting hit in the face with a pie

while falling off of a treadmill.

And if he doesn't hit

that "like" button, then we worry.

And so... we wait.

This is boring as ass.

Vince, please, call his wife.

Good idea.

Hey, Leslie. It's Vince.

Hey, uh, you know where Chip is?

At work? Yeah, sure he is. Yes.

Oh, oh, here he is now.

Hey, Chip.

Oh, he brought me coffee. Cool, thanks a lot, Chip.

Ooh, almond milk. Just the way I like it.

Yo, you hilarious, Chip.

Okay, got to go, Leslie.

Talk to you later.

Chip's dead.

Obviously sad, but once we've processed it,

I'd love credit for being right.

Okay. No more coffee for you two.

You cracked-out morons are all jacked up on beans.

All right, before we declare Chip dead,

let's just check his calendar.

He's a film critic. Maybe he's at a film.

Seems like a pretty big leap, but okay.

A bloody shirt.

Okay, that is not ideal.

Is that Chip's blood?

No clue.

A bloody shirt, no like on my video.

Ms. Meadows, my best friend is in trouble.

I'm going to his apartment.

I'm going, too.

Do you guys seriously think

something happened to Chip?

I mean, he's gonna be fine.

He's got God on his side by now.

All right, go ahead.

Just text me when you know he's okay.

Oh, damn it. I'm coming, too.

Should we still text you if we know he's okay?

Don't worry, Chip.

You're in pretty good hands.

Excuse me, ma'am. I am not a predator.

I'm just...

I said I was not a predator.

Hey. Hey, gents. Could you point me

in the direction of the Barclays Center?

Yeah, the big, old nerd

in the fanny pack's funny, isn't it?

That phone is your golden calf, player.

Hey.

You boys ever read the Bible? Hmm?

- Sir. - Yeah.

What is going on here?

Nothing. I was, uh, just telling these kids that they're all

going to hell. Is that illegal?

It's not great.

Look, I am just trying to find the Barclays Center box office.

- It's northeast. - I don't know what that means!

Half a mile that way,

but they're closing in about ten minutes.

Oh. Thank you. I will see you in heaven.

Oh. No, no, wait. Please, please!

We don't sell Wiggles tickets to single men anymore, sir.

What? No. No.

Please say you can help me.

My wife really wants Beyonc� tickets.

And I really want a chair back here, but life's not fair.

It's sold out.

Man.

It's just that...

... today is our Love-Aversary.

Let me explain.

The Love-Aversary is the anniver...

Anniversary of when you first said "I love you." Duh.

Yes! Thank you.

I celebrate that with my husband, too,

but nobody ever knows what we're talking about.

Ah, and isn't it just a way more important milestone

than the first date? Why don't more people do it?

I guess the world is running out of romantics.

Ain't that the truth.

Hmm. A couple of house seats got released this morning.

I was gonna scalp 'em, but you seem like a sweet guy.

And who am I to mess up a Love-Aversary?

Oh. You're giving those to me?

You charming, but you ain't that charming.

A hundred each.

Oh. Yes. Of course.

Thank you so much.

She is gonna flip.

Oh, oh, look at this, this is beautiful.

Paper tickets with a...

ah paper ticket smells

Me and you, just two human beings connecting. Huh?

Oh, I'll tell you what, you couldn't get this

by clicking a button on your phone, huh?

Mm-hmm. Phones are evil.

I hate my friends because of Instagram.

I know.

Okay, you two, listen up.

Leslie may be about to find out she's a widow,

a pregnant widow.

And as Chip's boss, I feel it falls on me to say...

Vince, you do the talking.

Keep in mind, there's an 80% chance

that Leslie is the murderer.

What are you basing that on?

She's married to Chip.

What are you guys doing here?

Hey, man!

Happy to see you alive!

Thanks.

Oh, Ms. Meadows, I'm so sorry I didn't call into work today.

I...

What are you guys doing at my apartment?

They thought you were dead,

but it looks like you were playing hooky.

Huge mistake not being dead.

Wait, so if you're so not dead,

why was there a bloody shirt in your desk?

Bloody shirt?

You mean the one covered in salsa?

You can't taste the difference between blood and salsa?

I've never had salsa.

What are you?

Look, I'm sorry I worried you guys.

I-I smashed my phone yesterday, and, uh...

... I actually had the best day without it.

Well, you got to let me know

if you're gonna smash your phone, Chip.

Here I am sending pie/treadmill videos, getting nothing back.

I'm sorry.

I got to get some sleep.

What's going on out here?

Whoa! Watch your backs, people!

Let it go, Cheryl. Damn.

I, uh, I was actually about to tell these guys that, uh,

I got the woman I love... these.

Tickets to Beyonc�?!

- Happy Love-Aversary. - Oh

- What the hell is a Love-Aversary? - It's when...

You know what, don't tell me. It's just gonna piss me off.

I am leaving now.

And happy whatever.

Well, wait a minute.

You know, we're all here,

and we don't really hang out outside of work.

Les, you all right if these guys come in

and have a celebratory drink?

I got my Beyonc� tickets, they can do whatever they want.

Plus, you got that big basket of salami inside, so...

Oh, I wasn't gonna tell them about the salami.

But, uh, yeah, come on in, gang,

and, uh, celebrate our love with us.

Oh!

How about this?

Let's turn off our phones, huh?

Fat chance.

Here. Would you take these, please? Thank you.

Ooh, is that the cheese you don't have to refrigerate?

Thank you so much for my tickets.

I can't imagine what you went through to get them.

Oh, well, you won't have to imagine it

because a teenager filmed me and I'm sure you'll be able

to check it out on YouTube.

Happy Love-Aversary, baby.

Oh, you, too.

Oh, I'll tell you what, my little old-school adventure

was so rewarding today and I-I just really got

to experience every minute of it

because I wasn't buried in my stupid phone.

Oh, my God. Look where section seven is.

I'm just kidding.

I love you more than the first time I said it.

Aw.

All right, come on.

Oh, come on, Cheryl. At least cut the salami.

You sure you're not upset I'm going to Beyonc�

- with someone else? - No. I want you

to go with somebody who's a fan.

I'm just gonna finish my column on false idols.

And to honor your false idol,

I am having a glass of lemonade.

Use a coaster.

You don't want to put a ring on it.

Oh.

Oh.

I appreciate the invite, Leslie.

Are we pregaming here or going straight to the Hive?

Oh, Hive, absolutely.

Are you wearing glitter?

Are you not?

Synced and corrected by Pisuly www.addic7ed.com