Original subtitles

My dad loves rules. It's probably why he's a lawyer

and the world's oldest hall monitor.

Whoa!

"Don't walk" sign is there for a reason, pal.

Dad has no tolerance for people who ignore the rules.

People like the line cutter...

Hi, sorry.

I just have a quick question.

Hey.

Um, can I get a car...

The able disabled...

And the worst offender?

The unannounced visitor.

Madi!

My aunt madi was all those people.

My God, you look amazing!

Maybe I should be vegan.

Oh, I'm not vegan anymore.

Now I only eat meat.

Ooh, I'm doing that.

Why? You look great.

You just lost 186 pounds.

Mm.

Oh, wait, it's still here.

Hi, madi. May I take your bag?

Oh, okay.

Okay, so wait.

You're pearl jam's unofficial tour photographer?

Damn right.

So remember that next time

someone tells you that selling grilled cheese sandwiches

in concert parking lots won't get you anywhere.

It won't. It will not.

Never do that.

Aw, Mel-anie,

I'd tell you to let your hair down,

but your hair already let you down.

Henry, why don't you go out and get aunt Madi's bag

from the bushes?

So, Madeline, why are you here?

I am here to support my sister.

The second I found out she was going through a separation,

I knew I had to be here.

I told you four months ago.

Oh, yeah, but I didn't want to be here

for the depressing, like, "waa, waa, waa" part.

No, I'm here for the, "we're both single.

Let's go show our boobs in public," part.

She's speaking metaphorically, Katie.

I'm not. Bring it in, k-town.

Oh, look at you.

Oh, my God, you're so cute.

Thank you.

No, I'm not talking about

what's going on here.

What I saw in my head.

I know your next look.

Well, can we get it done

before yearbook pictures next week?

Well, we kind of have to. Yearbooks are forever.

Hey, dad, Allison's here to pick you up.

Thanks, buddy.

Who's Allison?

It's none of your concern.

Oh, Mel-atonin has a girlfriend.

Not a girlfriend.

Just had a couple of dates,

and she's here to pick me up.

Anyway, as always, delightful to see you, madi,

and good luck with whatever harebrained scheme

you stumble across next.

Oh, I'm gonna make my own soap.

Perfect.

Hey, Mel. Just a sec.

All right, I got to check out this poor, sad creature

that's risen from...

A spinning class, apparently.

Wow, Mel. I got to hand it to you.

You went from a hot blonde taking care of you

to a hot brunette taking care of you.

Yep, except she doesn't take care of me.

I take care of myself.

I picked up Elvis from the groomer for you.

Oh, I thought we were going there together.

Oh, I just thought it would be easier.

Then I'd have to get him out of the car

and you into the car, and it's... would have been a whole thing.

Madi, Allison. Allison, madi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm her sister.

And I'm also the only woman here

who's never been attracted to him.

I actually started out not attracted to him at all.

And then he grew on me. And then it went away.

I see the oversharing runs in the family.

Oh, so does chronic...

no, I'm not gonna say that one.

Okay, Mel, there are three steps down.

I know.

I built these steps.

Oh, wow. Sorry.

That's impressive.

Yeah, I didn't actually build them.

But thanks for the vote of confidence.

Aunt madi had unintentionally touched a nerve in dad.

As crazy as he was about Allison,

he just wanted to be the guy she was dating,

not the blind guy she was dating.

There were people who dad let take care of him...

Ow.

An inner circle, if you will.

I think we got them all.

Thanks, bud.

And what an honor it was.

Okay!

We're gonna just leave this in overnight

and really give the color time to lift, you know?

Oh, it's gonna look so good in the pictures.

I've wanted ombre highlights since forever,

but my mom's all, "oh, you're perfect the way you are.

You're a natural beauty."

Ugh, she's so annoying.

And she's so wrong.

- You need a lot of help. - Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Mom, I'm getting a new look. Just let this happen.

Hey, we're going out.

Go get changed.

I did change. This is my change.

- Oh. - I can change again.

- Yeah. - Okay.

What do I wear?

Something sexy with a hint of slutty

but comes off fast in a pinch.

Okay, just give me seven minutes.

I got to shave above my knees.

Every time my dad and Allison go out,

Jenny and I stay'n.

We're getting so close.

She tells me everything.

Just be careful not to fall into the friend zone,

'cause once you're there, you're stuck there.

Like that special gym class.

Hey, I got out.

Hello.

Hey, Jenny.

And hel-lo, Al-li-son!

- Hello. - Hi.

You look lovely this evening.

Oh, thanks, but how did you...

Runyen hit every syllable of your name.

Should we go?

Yeah.

So, Jenny,

want to go up to the roof, maybe gaze at some stars?

Nah, let's just play video games.

Just like we do, friend-o.

So how 'bout it?

You come to my studio,

and I'll give you a free yoga class.

It'll be fun.

Thank you,

but I have really never reached a cathartic meditative state

in a room full of barefoot people.

For dad, letting someone new into his inner circle

wasn't easy...

I forgot to ask for parmesan cheese.

You know what, there's some on the table behind you.

- Oh. - I'll go get it for you.

No, no. No, sit. Sit. Enjoy your meal.

I can get my own parmesan cheese.

And aunt Madi's comment about Allison taking care of him

made it even harder for dad to let her in

and harder for this couple to enjoy their dinner.

Mel, that's crushed red pepper.

Even better.

So much better.

See?

Isn't this place better than where you wanted to go?

Hey, don't knock don fiesta's.

There's nothing better than their ultimate nachos.

Oh, except for their hardcore nachos,

which is really just ultimate nachos

but with more beef.

Oh, my God, stop talking about nachos.

And for God's sake, lose the ring.

You're divorced.

Why are you still wearing that?

I don't know.

Mel still wears his.

I don't know, it's just...

it's not like it means anything anymore.

No, it means that no guys are gonna want to come over

and hit on you and the cuter, easier woman

sitting across from you.

That ring sends a signal to the universe

that you still have one of your giant feet

stuck in your old life, okay?

You're sending the universe mixed messages.

Um, I think the universe gets what I'm doing,

and we have the same size feet.

Excuse me, would you like to buy

this beautiful lady a drink?

I'd love to.

You would?

Even though she's wearing this?

Oh, sorry. I'm not cool with that.

- But I'd be happy to buy you... - we're done here.

See? Give me the ring.

- No. What? - Yeah, give it to me.

- No, no, no, no. - Yeah, give me the ring.

No, no, this is not your territory... stop it!

Why won't you just give it to me?

- Why, what do you care? - Give it to me.

- Stop it! Ow! - What do you care?

- Stop it! - Stop...

- ouch! - Stop pulling...

ow! Let go of my ear!

Let go of my finger! Let go now!

It's like mutually assured destruction but with garlic.

See, we both eat it,

and then nobody has to be paranoid

- about kissing. - Oh, come on.

It's just a theory.

No, I got a ticket.

That parking ticket was dad's ticket

to prove he didn't need to be taken care of.

This is ridiculous.

My tire is not in the red.

Hey, you know what, I'm gonna be

down at the courthouse tomorrow... give it to me.

I'll find a judge. He'll knock it out.

No, it's 40 bucks. I'll just pay it.

No, no one is paying anything.

I will take care of it.

Oh, my God, mom, look at my hair!

Honey, I'm sure it's not as bad as you...

oh. Oh, my... oh, boy.

Aunt madi ruined my hair!

How could you let her do this to me?

Me?

Yeah, now I have to shave my head.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna look like dad.

I'm gonna kill her.

Look, aunt madi means well, all right?

Sometimes she gets carried away, and...

where is my ring?

I'm gonna kill her!

Oh, my God, it's so busy.

Mel, will you just let me pay the ticket?

No, I will take care of it. You know what?

They never see a real lawyer down here.

It'll make their day.

We'll be out of here in a minute or so.

- May I help you? - Yes.

Hi, I'm Mel Fisher, esquire.

My lady friend here received a parking ticket in error,

and I'd love to take care of that.

If I could just see judge pressment

for a minute before his day starts,

and hopefully before mine starts as well.

I have 10:00 A.M. opening statements

upstairs in one of the big boy courtrooms.

Actually, I'm judge pressment.

So do me a favor.

Let's pretend that we're in my little boy courtroom

and call me "your honor."

Yes, your honor. I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to...

I'm gonna need to run your license, ma'am.

Okay.

When he says, "run my license,"

he's not gonna check Colorado, is he?

Ah-choo!

Bless you. Are you getting sick?

Just a stuffy nose. By the way, I picked out

the perfect movie for us to watch.

I had an idea too.

The notebook.

You're so funny. I love you.

Don't be a dream.

Don't be a dream. Don't be a dream.

Release this car immediately.

No can do.

Somebody left Denver with a bunch of unpaid tickets.

Oh, Mel, the cab's here.

Now, come on.

I've got to go to my yoga class.

You don't need a cab.

Release the vehicle!

Now he's taking the car.

Nope, he is not taking anything.

We should have just paid the damn ticket.

Why are you being like this?

What? I'm being helpful.

Sir, this is your last...

whoa.

I got this.

Seriously?

You picked the wrong guy to play chicken with.

Do you need cab fare?

Madeline Louise, call me back, damn it.

And don't even think about saying

I just sounded like mom.

- What did you do with my ring? - What did you do to my hair?

- Whose car is that? - It's yours.

I sold your ring to buy it.

Ooh.

We might need to tweak that a little bit.

Look at it! Look what you did to my hair.

I really thought

that you could leave the dye in overnight.

Oh, no, that's the leave-in conditioner.

All right. All right. All right.

The hair, we can fix.

Hopefully.

But you sold my ring

and pawned it to buy a car.

I tore off a band-aid,

and I bought a car with it, okay?

I feel like I should be hearing words

like "thank you" and "let me take you to brunch."

I said I'd look like Beyonce.

She said, "I love you."

No, she said,

"you're so funny. I love you."

That's what you say to me all the time.

I don't say that.

Well, you should.

I'm really funny and very lovable.

All I know is, she said, "I love you."

We're in the boyfriend-girlfriend zone.

Well, then I guess my grandma's

my girlfriend too,

because I tell her I love her all the time.

Hey, what's this?

"Chicken soup for your cold.

"Can't have you sick for the notebook.

Feel better. Xo, Jenny."

Dude, she cooked for you.

She got some chicken, some water.

I don't know how to make soup,

but she does, and she did, for you.

Game on.

Wow, sorry, ma'am, but our return policy is,

that's cool with us too. "No habla ingles."

Well, see, this is the universe's way

of telling you to keep the car

- and start your new life. - Know what?

I'm with your sister on this one.

You got to keep that ride. You look good in it.

- Yeah. - 'Course, you'd look good

- in anything. - Yeah.

- Or nothing. - Okay.

This is why I need my ring back,

so I don't have to deal with losers like Dean hitting on me.

No offense, Dean. But also, offense.

None taken. Can I get your number?

Okay, forget about Dean,

'cause no one's going out with Dean.

But what about the decent guys, okay?

If you don't take your ring off,

then no one's ever gonna take your bra off.

And that would be a shame,

'cause those girls didn't show up until junior year,

and now they want to run free.

Oh, amen!

Dean!

Look, just because you're ready

for me to take off my ring doesn't mean that I am.

I'm not like you, madi.

I have responsibilities.

You have excuses,

and I'm just helping you get to a better place.

Maybe right now my life would be in a better place

if you weren't in it.

So Elvis took his first ride in a tow truck

and in mom's new but very used convertible.

You know, when you buy an engagement ring,

you're usually not thinking about resale value,

but sitting in this thing,

I feel like I should have sprung for the extra carat.

You were totally right about madi.

I was?

17 years, I defended her. I covered for her.

But you knew it right away, from the first time you met her,

when she asked what disease to fake to get out of jury duty.

She is just as bad as you said.

She's worse, and I am done with her.

Well, I mean, she's your sister...

done.

Dad realized he wasn't the only one

with an inner circle.

And as hard as it was to let someone in,

it was even harder when someone fell out.

Look, I'm telling you,

this guy is not gonna just give me back the ring.

Right. He'll give it back to me.

- Can I help you? - Yes.

Dad could've been rid of aunt madi forever,

but he knew mom needed her sister in her life,

which meant she was gonna be in his.

Uh, you got a ring in yesterday.

- I'm gonna need that back. - The ring'll cost you 3,000.

I don't think you understood me.

I'm not paying anything for it.

You're in possession of stolen merchandise.

Interesting.

3,500.

It's stolen.

I happen to be with the person who stole it.

It's good to see you again.

Don't know this person.

4,000.

Possession of stolen merchandise

is a felony.

I probably should have led with, I'm a lawyer.

I could file charges in...

4,300.

I probably should have lead with, you can't see this,

but I'm surrounded by guns.

He is. It's true.

I just don't understand why you're so upset.

I mean, no one was using the parking space,

and I have a placard.

Once again, the handicapped placards

are for handicapped people,

not someone who occasionally drives a handicapped person.

Would you please just wait outside for a minute

so I can give Allison this receipt

and we can get her car back,

and then we can fix yet another thing

that you screwed up?

And I am not handicapped.

Oh, you're handicapped, Mel.

And I'm not even talking about the blind thing.

Madi, would you please do me a big, big favor

and just...

Does anybody work here?

I'm looking for Allison.

Um, Mel.

- Are you busy? - Oh, yes.

Just... everybody stay in child's pose.

Please just, uh, honor where your body is.

What is going on with you?

And please do not tell me that you're here

to take care of my yoga studio.

No, I'm here to say I'm sorry.

I've been such a jackass.

But I want to explain why,

and then I want to give you something

that hopefully will make up for all this.

Okay.

The truth is, you are kind of the first person

that I've let get this close this quickly in a long time.

It's a big step for me, and I'm...

I'm struggling with it.

But it's also the first of many steps

that I hope we take together.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is...

oh, my God, are you proposing to me?

No. No, no, no, no. Not proposing.

Okay, thank God,

because that would be way too...

yeah, way too soon. And crazy.

Yeah. Don't want to marry you.

That's the last thing in the world I would want...

okay, point made.

You're missing out.

She's very bendy.

Guys, go take an early savasana now, please.

What I came to do was to give you this,

the receipt, so you can get your car back.

The ring is for Joyce.

Well, giving an engagement ring to your ex-wife

is not actually making me feel better.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. It's nothing like that.

It's just... she had lost it,

and she was upset,

so I took care of it.

Like you took care of my parking ticket?

Yeah, you know what, the last couple of days,

you have really not...

Not seen my best work.

Thing is, I didn't want you to take care of me

because I'm blind.

I just wanted you to care for me,

because, you know, I like you.

I like you too.

And thank you for taking care of my parking ticket.

Told you I'd take care of it.

You know what, Elvis is unfamiliar

with this place.

Would you mind showing me to the door?

Uh, of course.

Thank you.

And with that walk to the door,

Allison stepped into dad's inner circle.

Oh, my God, mom!

Oh! Look how mature your hair looks.

Mom, help me.

The people in your inner circle help you

not just by taking care of you...

It's okay, sweetie. I'm right here.

Oh, God, it's like dry hay.

But we can fix it.

Mama can fix it.

- Okay. - But also by letting you

take care of them.

How could she do this to me?

I look older than you!

Shh, don't ruin this.

Okay, tell me if you'd kiss this.

Binaca, gum, and two breath mints.

Hit me.

Hen...

what are you guys doing?

- Nothing. - It was his idea.

What happened to your hair?

Madi.

Here. Mom said you were still sick,

so I made you some chicken soup.

Feel better.

She cooked for me.

That's not good.

It's worse than the friend zone, dude.

You're in the sibling zone.

On the bright side, you have two hot sisters.

Eat your soup.

Okay. Now that we are in the house

and you can not pawn it again, here.

Give this to Joyce and say you're sorry.

That is all.

Resist the urge to say anything else

that comes into your brain.

Hey.

Hello.

Here. This is for you.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. You got my ring back!

Oh, you are good. You're not terrible.

I was right. Ohh...

Hey, and I just want to say one more thing.

No, you don't.

Stop talking now.

Mel's here?

Yeah, well,

he kind of helped me get your ring back.

Mel?

Hi.

You didn't have to do that, but thank you.

You're welcome.

Still fits.

Oh, I haven't had it on all day,

and now it kind of feels...

Kind of weird?

Like maybe we...

Shouldn't be wearing them anymore?

Yeah.

Okay.

Maybe it was because he was blind

or because she was having

a midlife teenage awkward phase,

but even divorced,

mom and dad would always be in each other's inner circle.

See?

This is what I was going for.

Right? Ah!

You're welcome.

Okay, I just... sorry.

So hungry.

So...

Wow, Mel.

Impressive restraint.

Thank you.

I've made peace with it.

And I stole this.

I knew Jenny was in my inner circle.

Not the way I wanted her to be, but she was close,

and I'd take it.

So which sister would you rather I hit on?