Original subtitles

God bless America again

You must know the trouble that she's in

Wash her pretty face

Dry her eyes and then

God bless America again

You know

I wish God would bless America again

Like he did way back there

When it all began

He blessed her then

But we sort of took it for granted

And didn't ask again

So let's just kinda hold her hand now

That's all

In case she stumbles

Let's don't let her fall

Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen.

It's a big day in Niagara Falls, new York,

Where the presidential motorcade

Will pass by in a few moments.

The turnout is pretty much nonexistent,

Which is rather surprising.

This is the first time

A president has been here since 1901,

When William mckinley stopped by and was shot.

God bless America again

You must know the trouble that she's in

Wash her pretty face

Dry her eyes and then

God bless America again

Ah-ahh

I don't understand everything I read and hear

About what's wrong with America

When you don't have a lot of book learning

There's many things you don't understand

But I know this much

She's like a mother to me

I love her with all my heart

And let me tell you this, mister

Everything I am or ever hope to be

I owe to her

Topping the president's Agenda today will be a speech

At the recently closed Hacker defense plant.

Hacker was closed, 10,000 employees laid off

Due to the end of the cold war,

Which rendered useless

The military supplies they produced there.

The public is being encouraged

To not only hear the president,

But also pick up on a bargain.

There are some good deals left on items

Ranging from missiles to light armament.

One of those laid-off employees this morning

Had quite an altercation.

This ex-Hacker employee

Is trying to deface the image of R.J. Hacker,

The chairman of that company.

He got away before he could be apprehended.

God bless America again

You must know the trouble that she's in

Wash her pretty face

Dry her eyes and then

God bless America again

Oh, please God bless America again

Shit!

Meanwhile, in other news,

Due to the record number of laid-off workers

jumping to their death in Niagara Falls,

The city council has just Approved an incentive program.

Sheriff's deputies who talk someone out of jumping

Will be getting $25.

If they go in to retrieve the body,

they'll be getting $50.

Jump! Jump! Jump!

What'll this one make?

Uh...

The third one today.

Uh, ninth this week.

Man, are we racking up the grief bonus!

450 bucks,

and the week's not over yet.

Stick with me, Honey.

Things keep going like this,

we'll make what we

used to make at Hacker.

You know it.

What's this guy doing up there?

It's a free country.

He doesn't like it here, he can swim to Canada.

A lot of work there.

Shut up and look at this.

Hey, isn't that--

It's our good friend, Roy boy.

Jump!

No, no! He's wearing my good hat!

Let's help him out.

Great.

Don't jump, Roy boy,

don't jump! Help is on the way!

Huh?

Nice shootin'!

All right!

Who did this?

Medic.

That was a beautiful thing you just did, Honey.

God, I love you.

Just kidding. Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

I was kidding.

Let me get this straight.

You shot me

because I didn't want to go on living?

Yeah. You want me to finish the job?

Relax, Honey.

Roy boy, would you please pipe down?

I was trying to make a statement

about our plight.

At least the plight of those whose uncle ain't the mayor.

Don't you mention my uncle Jack.

You're thinking nepotism.

I took that test and passed it fair and square.

What about handing her a job?

I�m your buddy.

Don't you mention Honey like that.

Look, you guys,

My life has been complete hell

since Hacker laid me off.

We know how you feel.

We all feel the same way.

We've all made big changes in our life

since the plant closed down.

That's right.

If life hands you a lemon, crush it into lemonade.

That's positive thinking.

Come on, smile.

Just what makes that little ol' ant

think he'd move that rubber tree plant?

Everyone knows an ant

can't

move a rubber tree plant.

'Cause he's got

Roy boy, sing!

High hopes

He's got

High hopes

He's got

High-apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes

So any time you're feelin' low

'Stead of lettin' go

Just remember that ant

Woops, there goes another rubber tree

Woops, there goes another rubber tree

Woops, there goes another rubber tree plant

Ker-plop!?

President here yet, Riley?

Officer Riley.

Oh, sure. Sorry.

You fellas need any backup here,

Officer Riley?

I don't think so, sheriff.

Ok.

You finding a lot of roadkill this year, sheriff?

We get to keep what we find.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha.

Forgive me. Where are my manners?

This is my woman deputy, Honey.

Honey's been a real asset

since she got her parole.

Next, I have an unused,

air-delivered, chemical weapon

guaranteed death within 3 minutes.

What do I hear for this miracle of modern science?

Spread 'em, or i�ll blow your brains out.

Ha ha ha!

Where the hell you guys been?

Pulling stiffs out of the Falls.

You promised I could pull the stiffs out this time.

I need the money.

We never got the $50.

We stopped Roy boy from jumping off.

What you�re jumping off the Falls now?

I was making a statement.

Stop with the statement thing.

Get us a beer.

I do love an auction.

What do I hear for this beautiful, wire-guided,

uranium-tipped fire-and-forget thing?

Who'll give me $1,000?

1,000, 1,000, 1,000?

$500, then.

Have $500 anyone?

$500, my ass.

Come on, ladies and gentlemen.

Built right here in Niagara Falls.

You can own one.

You built it. You can own it now.

300, 300, 300, 4.

400, 400, 400, 400, 5.

Can we get out of here?

All these guns and white people are making me nervous.

Ease off with that 'white people' stuff.

You got me looking at 'em funny.

I�ve got 25, 26, 25, 26.

Sold! $25.

All right.

Here you go.

Next, we have...

Pardon me.

Out of the way. Let me by.

Anyone! Could I have $100, please?

Give me that microphone.

I reckon all of you know me.

I�m R.J. Hacker, and I own Hacker dynamics

and Hacker aerospace,

Time-Hacker,

Hacker-upjohn,

and a bunch of others I don't even remember,

and you don't care.

You're upset because I closed this plant

and put you out on the street.

Well, I want you to know I�m upset, too.

In fact, I get choked up thinking about it.

Boo! Boo!

Shit.

Pill-popping freaks.

Look at this trash.

Just garbage. Human garbage.

Look. That's what we get for kicking butt

in every goddamn corner of the world.

Why do we have to be here at these closings?

General, we're here

to show the people that we care.

Let's put on

a happy face, shall we?

Used to be that you had your Russian reds,

your Cuban red, Hollywood red.

Here a red, there a red, everywhere a red red.

E-i-e-i-o.

But it kept us on our toes.

We didn't know who to mistrust,

but we had to defend ourselves.

You had good jobs to put meat on the table.

But today we find ourselves being destroyed

not by the reds,

but by a bunch of shortsighted,

bleeding-heart,

penny-pinching Washington wimps.

Who is this guy?

R.J. Hacker, sir.

How about some credit?

I�m the only president who hasn't gotten us into a war.

I think that's his point, sir.

You have yet to send our boys into battle.

Where nobody�s bothering us.

Send them anywhere, Sir.

Guaranteed 30-point

boost in the polls.

Well, I�m not going to start a war

just to increase my popularity.

What can I do for 20 points?

...makes me want to commit acts

I cannot utter in public.

Here he is now--

The man that a thin majority of you

chose to be president of the United States.

Stu.

Little hard on the leader

of the free world, don't you think?

It's just what he deserved.

This peace ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Especially if we keep laying off thousands of voters.

What would you suggest we do?

To keep these

factories open

Should I call up the Russians,

see if they want to get back into it?

Don't you get sarcastic with me,

you little piss ant!

You just had an idea that I liked!

I want you to follow up on it.

See to it that those Russkies

get back in the cold war mode.

If you don't, you'll go right back where I found you.

Now, don't make decisions. Just do it.

I want to thank you for that great welcome.

You provided the power to win the cold war

for the United States of America.

If we could take what we spent

on just one day of the cold war,

we could put our children through school for the year.

Now's our chance to do it.

Time to turn off that war machine

and turn on our children.

Ha ha!

Turn...

Turn...on our children.

The time has come, fortunately,

for us to beat our swords into plowshares.

Excuse me. Do you work here?

You work here?

I want to get a copy of the speech.

A transcript or something?

And you are...?

Oh, I�m sorry.

Sheriff Bud Boomer, Niagara county.

And your handle is?

What? Your name?

Your name.

Stuart Smiley,

the president's national security advisor.

Stu, you're just the guy we wanted to see.

Can you give us a deal at our sheriff's department?

We're looking for-- what do you call them?

The m-1640-millimeter grenade launchers--

Flash, fragmentation,

incendiary illumination,

and smoke.

To go, please.

Are we putting on a play?

It's for civil disturbances only.

'How many times...

'Must the cannonballs fly...'

You tell us.

'...before they're forever banned?'

Ugh.

'The answer, my friend...

'Is blowin' in the wind.

'The answer, my friend...'

O.k. I�m in command here. Stay calm.

Get off me!

The sheriff has the eagle covered.

It's an honor to meet you.

I�m sorry I didn't vote for you.

I had to stay home.

The cable installers said they'd come--

Get off me.

Pardon?

Get off me!

I�m sorry. Sure.

Oh, god.

Good thing for you.

The president liked me.

Otherwise, you'd be in big trouble.

Right. You must be really important, Boomer.

You see cops last night?

I wouldn't miss it.

They kept the camera running

while they were

waling away on those guys.

Whack, whack, Whack, whack!

Oh, it was awesome! Ooh!

You think we're ever gonna be on cops?

Damn right we will.

Wait'll they see me

throwing myself on that grenade.

You threw the president on the grenade.

Well, whatever.

Morning, Mr. President.

Morning, sir.

I have the results from the overnight tracking.

Care to hear the damage?

Yeah. I can take it.

It's good news, sir.

Immediately after the assassination attempt,

we got a 15-point boost in the national polls.

Ok.

They dropped off considerably

once word got out that you were still alive.

But the initial massive gains the Dow Jones made

after the assassination bulletin

held for the entire business day.

That's good news.

According to this, rumors that you were

clinically dead for 5 minutes,

and returned to life

boosted your rating with the religious right.

That's good.

But the voters felt that your being alive or dead

had no real bearing on their daily lives.

You can take that a couple of ways.

With all due respect, sir,

enjoy your single term.

You know, it's not fair.

Every other president

had the Russians to blame for everything.

What have I got?

It is really too bad that the Russians

are no longer in the game.

They weren't much fun anyway.

Never got to kill any.

But without them, you and your friends

would've had to get real jobs.

That isn't funny, Stu.

Stu's got a point.

What point, sir?

You got a point, too.

My point is that Russia is in such shambles,

they couldn't sissy-slap us if they tried.

Well, they still have

all those missiles lying around.

20,473, to be exact.

Are you kidding?

One of their breakaway republics, Kazakhstan,

is the third-ranking nuclear power

in the world.

Are you kidding?

Most Americans

don't know where Kazakhstan is.

My travel agent can't find it.

I can imagine why.

What do you want to do about Russia?

Let's find out who's in charge over there this week.

Vladimir Krushkin.

Vlad. I like him. That's good.

Let's ask him to come over.

We can have a summit thing.

Maybe we can work something out like before.

That's an excellent idea.

Super idea, sir.

We got a contingency plan.

Good.

We'll bring it right in.

Look at the treacherous bastards.

Once a commie, always a commie.

Pretend you're not here.

Shut up, Peanuts.

All right. Be nice. This man's our only hope.

Mr. President, welcome to our summit.

You look great.

Ha ha ha!

Let's eat.

Good. Right this way.

Have a good trip?

Wonderful.

Truly wonderful.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mr. President, we were wondering if, uh...

If you and I, you know...

If we couldn't sort of get together and...

you know, mano y mano,

and...

and sort of work something out,

sort of mix it up the way we used to

in the good old days.

I don't mean a real war.

Just a little tension.

Sort of help people forget about things.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, Mr. President...

Please!

Is this why

you called us here?

We already gave up. You've won.

We are too busy trying to perfect

universal indoor plumbing.

That's right.

Indoor plumbing.

Maybe even a little...

central heating.

Big Buick

in every garage

would be nice.

A few cellular phones...

compact discs, mtv--

What is the name of that other channel?

VH-1.

Yes! VH-1!

I�m so sorry, Mr. President.

We can't go back to the old days.

Please try

and understand.

Good day.

It's a trick, Mr. President.

Damn right.

Can't we talk this over?

What is there to talk over?

You're in charge of the world now.

Don't be a sore winner.

I�m sure we could discuss this

like civilized men.

Civilized men?

Is that what we've both been for the last 50 years?

Just a holy

Goddamn minute.

Your comradeship!

Throwing your weight around

for half a century, threatening the peaceful,

Western world, ng and decide one day

to tug the rope no more.

Do you?

Mr. President, I�m so sorry for this.

Sorry for this?

You made us spend trillion $

on submarines and missiles

and what did all this rubbish get us?

Bread lines and may day parades!

Don't chicken out on us now!

We need you. I need you.

You don't always get a second chance.

Attaboy, Stu!

You can't do that!

Get off him!

Get off him!

I�m very sorry, Mr. President.

I�m very-- all right.

Get over there. Get over there.

Sorry. I�m really, truly sorry.

Maybe we could meet again.

How about Geneva?

We could meet at Geneva,

sort of neutral territory.

Goodbye, Mr. President...

and good luck.

Any more bright ideas?

What are we going to do for an enemy now?

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

I miss anything?

Nothing.

Also dead.

They're all dead.

You working from an old list?

They're what we're looking for.

This guy, he's still alive.

But he's down in Florida

making license plates now.

She's reformed...

and looking good.

You know, we were thinking,

what could be

a bigger threat

than aliens invading from space?

Whoo-boy! Scare the shit out of everyone.

Even me, sir.

Is this the best you could come up with?

What about, you know, international terrorism?

Sir, we're not going to reopen missile factories

just to fight some creeps

running around in exploding rental cars.

Turn on the lights.

I�m sorry.

I�m appalled.

I�m surprised you left those killer bees off the list.

How about...

How about Canada?

O Canada

Our home and native land

True patriot love

In all thy sons command...

Uhh! That's what I hate about coming here.

You got to listen to that song.

Check out the flag.

What is that, a weed on there?

Give me a break! Nice flag.

Let's go!

Let's go! Drop the puck!

Let's go!

Come on! Face off!

O Canada

We stand on guard for thee

Evening,

Ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to hockey night in Canada.

Tonight the American team visits our Canadian champions,

the Ontario Beavers.

Please enjoy the game, and remember,

no bad language and no littering.

Here we go!

Hey, Kabral, how come you never see

any black guys playing hockey?

Do you think it's easy to just gradually

take over every

professional sport?

Let me tell you something, man.

Brothers are starting to figure out

this ice thing.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Heh heh heh.

These Canadians ain't got a care in the world.

How about the way they cheat

at the world series?

That's our game, people!

That is true.

And another thing-- their beer sucks.

Eww!

Oh, boy!

Look at that!

That's footage never seen on TV.

Yowsah!

It's amazing.

How did you know that

was a nuclear facility?

They tricked us there. That's a hospital.

But it's

a hell of a strike.

We've got technology

we've never been able to use.

A riot between

Americans and Canadians

broke out last night

at a hockey arena in Niagara Falls, Ontario.

Police estimate at least 60 people,

including an American sheriff,

were detained overnight by Canadian authorities.

I want to call the American embassy.

All I said was, 'Canadian beer sucks.'

People!

People!

Can't we all just get along?

Boy, these Canadians are violent.

General, can I use your phone for a second?

Sure. Go ahead.

Yeah. Stu Smiley.

Give me central intelligence.

Yeah, Canada desk?

Timmy.

Hi, Stu.

What's up, Bill?

How you doing, Stu?

Re-route the heroin through Cancun.

Hold on a second--

Yeah. Oliver Stone.

There's Gus.

What do you say, Stu?

Long time no see, huh?

It's like the plaza in here.

They've got me in a temporary place here, that's all.

I see you're still proud of telling Kennedy

to send advisors to Vietnam.

You're damn right.

The whole Vietnam war was my idea.

Not ashamed of it one bit.

If they had followed my advice and gone nuclear...

I�m sure history

will vindicate you.

Would've wiped out the Koreans, too.

Then we wouldn't be driving

behind them shitty little compacts with no pickup.

Those cars are built in South Korea.

They're our Koreans.

Like I care!

What have you got for me?

Anything, something?

You mean Canada.

Yeah.

We can't talk here. Let's go for a walk.

There a secretary hidden somewhere

to hold your calls for you?

Remember the big New York blackout?

Caused by a Canadian hydroelectric plant,

Niagara Falls.

The Canucks claim

that it was a faulty transmitter.

We had reason to suspect otherwise.

Why what do you mean?

These Canadians suffer

from a serious inferiority complex.

That's why they built this--

Canadian

National tower.

World's tallest

freestanding structure.

Our scientists can't figure out its purpose.

I�ll bet theirs can't either.

Jesus.

Canadians are always dreaming up

a lot of ways to ruin our lives.

The metric system, for the love of god!

Celsius!

Neil Young?

By god, you're right, Gus.

Of course! It was crazy of us

to have been so blind for so long.

We thought, they're just Canadians.

They're practically the 51st state.

We admired them-- clean streets, no crime,

no minorities.

How'd they do that?

No slavery.

God, they're smart.

Their entire government is run by socialists.

But it's not the real pinko stuff.

No! That's where you're wrong.

They've always had these tendencies.

'Capitalism must be destroyed in all forms.'

What's this?

We haven't been paying attention.

We think that, oh, they're a little strange

With the socialized medicine stuff.

But do you know they provide free college to anyone?

Free trains,

free eyeglasses,

free condoms?

Jesus.

Do your superiors know about this?

Ah, those gutless desk mammals.

Ever since I told them

the bay of pigs by 10:00,

they've treated me like dirt.

You've done a great job here.

I�ll make sure

the president knows of your fine work.

Like I care!

Canada?

Did you say Canada?

The American people, Mr. Smiley...

would never, ever buy this.

Mr. President, the American people

will buy whatever we tell them to.

You know that.

Aren't you overlooking one major obstacle,

like how to get the average American

to hate and fear Canadians?

Hell, they're whiter than we are.

Gentlemen, ladies, allow me to clue you

to a few rude awakenings.

For those that think Canada is a mom-and-pop operation,

it's time to wake up and smell the snow.

Fact: Canada�s now

the second-largest country in the world.

Fact: Canadians freely cross over our borders,

walking among us...

undetected.

How many of you knew

that they eliminated the Miss Canada contest?

You're on to something here.

Remember the air force c-130 that crashed mysteriously

a few years ago?

And that just happened to occur

over Canada, Mr. President.

My god. That's shocking.

When did they get rid of Miss Canada?

A year ago.

Suppose something like that caught on down here.

One week, Mr. President.

Give me one week,

and I�ll have Americans Burning maple leaves so fast,

they won't have time to think about their smog-filled lungs,

rising interest rates,

or their dwindling savings accounts.

One week, sir.

Good evening.

Edwin S. Simon reporting.

NBS news has obtained Pentagon documents

that show our neighbor to the north,

the sovereign nation of Canada,

has embarked on a military program

aimed at the United States.

Canada, known for ages as a polite and clean country,

has, under a socialist majority,

undertaken a massive military buildup

on its border with the United States.

I don't like Canada.

It's freezing cold.

Canada owns more of the US

than any other country.

William Shatner.

Michael J. Fox.

Monty Hall.

Mike Myers.

Alex Trebek.

All of them Canadians.

All of them here.

Is Canadian prime minister Clark MacDonald

a member of a satanic cult?

Most of Canada's vast military technology

has been built and supplied by the United States.

The Canadian national tower in Toronto,

erected to transmit nuclear attack warnings

from radar stations in northern Canada,

is now solely in Canadian hands.

It is the height of 6 American football fields,

Or 5 Canadian football fields--

as if Canadian football really counts.

What would be the psychological motivation

to erect a huge, long, rigid shaft?

First, there is no Canadian culture.

I�ve never read any Canadian literature.

And when have you heard anyone say,

'Honey, let's stay in and order some Canadian food'?

Congress is also asking intelligence agencies

to investigate why the Canadians maintain

a threatening lead in Zamboni technology.

Think of your children

pledging allegiance to the maple leaf.

Mayonnaise on everything.

Winter-- 11 months of the year.

Anne Murray...

All day...

Every day.

Holy shit.

We're right on the border.

We're the first line of defense.

We have to get everyone organized.

All right, people! Do not panic!

I repeat, do not panic!

I�m in complete control.

Now, Honey, Kabral, Roy boy, and myself--

we'll guard the hydro plant.

Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop.

Dell, the bowling alley.

The rest of you,

guard this bar with your lives.

Yeah.

All right, people.

Let's move out.

Fighting soldiers from the sky

fearless men

Who jump and die

Men who mean

just what they say

The brave men

of the green beret

Silver wings

upon their chest

These are men

America's best

100 men

will test today

but only 3

win the green beret

Put silver wings

on my son's chest

Make him one

of America's best

He'll be a man

they'll test one day

Have him win

the green beret

Now, who would've thought--

America against the scary Canadians.

Heh heh heh.

Boy, I�m good.

I�m going to let you in on a little secret.

Mmm!

Mmm...christ.

The American public's attention span

is about as long as your dick.

You have got to give Americans

something real.

Something they can get their teeth into,

something that

will make them cry

'Bloody murder!'

Americans

will not go to war,

even a cold war,

unless they truly believe

that their very lives are threatened.

What do you have in mind?

Back in the early 1960s,

my old buddy Lyndon Johnson says,

'Boys, why don't we just bomb one of our own ships

'and blame it on the north Vietnamese?'

We did. We shelled a US Navy ship

in the gulf of Tonkin.

At least, that's

what we told everybody

as far as I know, that damn boat

was out in the middle of lake Erie. But...

24 hours later

the US Senate voted 98 to 2

to send troops to Vietnam.

That's an amazing story.

That's the truth,

and it can still work.

Like maple syrup,

Canada's evil oozes over the United States.

How long will we remain silent to the screams?

Oh, that is stunning.

Everyone knows what it's like

to get syrup on your fingers.

This guy's ingenious. I mean--

Mr. President, Canadian prime minister!

Ha ha ha!

Clark?

How's Claire?

You were just watching on NBS, really?

I don't know what to think.

Looks

like you people

are planning something nasty.

Mmm mmm mmm.

Ha ha. What?

If you feel that way about it, goodbye.

I like this.

I think now may be the time

to turn up the heat.

What do you mean?

Well, what if--I�m just spitballing here--

That's ok. Go ahead.

A Canadian hit squad, i.e., trained professionals,

who looked like Canadians,

were photographed sabotaging an important installation

inside the US.

Let's go there with a strike force,

knock out their infrastructure

quicker than you can say, 'collateral damage.'

No. No.

Why not? Yeah, why not?

A war with Canada would be over in days.

Remember Grenada?

They didn't even wake Reagan up.

Didn't have to.

All we found were rich American med school rejects

and a couple of Cuban construction workers.

That's liberal bullshit.

Cuba had a division in there.

What about Panama?

Right. Listen to this.

A few days

of blasting

Def Leppard over loudspeakers,

And Noriega ran out weeping.

And Iraqha!

Ha.

They were supposed to have this big, bad army.

They had the biggest cannon,

invented by a Canadian.

72 hours after we invade,

they're begging for a big mac.

They stopped

a hundred miles short of Baghdad.

We just sat there

waving our dicks at the desert.

Mr. President, do you want more of that,

or 50 years of cold war prosperity

because Joe Schmoe American is scared shitless

the world's going to end before the next commercial?

Well, I think I like Mr. Smiley's approach.

No, no. I really like it.

Here's what we're going to do.

We'll get some special ops.

We'll disguise them as Canadians

and let them blow something up.

But nothing valuable, ok?

No casualties, all right?

There will be no casualties,

and Canada gets the blame.

Come on. Step on the gas!

Double time. Double time.

We're just minutes away

from blowing this hydro plant to kingdom come.

Ha! I�m back!

You got them down there?

Wait till those s.o.b.s back at Langley

see this on the nightly news.

Freeze! The both of you!

Don't move. Don't anybody move.

Honey, Canadians on the east wing.

Bring the boys, quick!

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Get out! Go on!

Look what we found!

Get your hands up there.

Come on! Hey, spread 'em!

Come on. Let's go! M!

Under the articles of the fifth Geneva convention,

and with the powers invested in me by--

Would you please shut up? We're American!

Who plays quarterback

for the St. Louis Cardinals?

I have no idea.

There ain't no more St. Louis Cardinals!

They moved to Phoenix!

Wait. Give us another one.

Sorry. Time's up!

Cuff 'em! Frisk these Canucks!

Then call the CIA,

the FBI, the D.A., and the A.S.P.C.A.,

and call Channel 5.

You're going to be on TV.

The nation remains stunned today

after the capture of secret Canadian agents

who were attempting to blow up the hydroelectric plant

in Niagara Falls, New York.

The Canadians were apprehended

by Niagara sheriff, Bud B. Boomer.

Move! Move! Move!

Right.

Our correspondent, Charles Jackal,

Who is rejoining us

after a stint at the Betty Ford clinic,

kicks off our team coverage.

Chuck, it's great to have you back.

And it's great to be back.

I want to apologize

for the hurt I may have caused that night

to so many of you,

especially those who were standing

too close to the curb.

You know who you are.

Forgive me.

Ed, it's a startling revelation.

Canada, getting ready to invade,

has amassed 90% of its population

along its border with the United States--

The longest unprotected border in the world,

stretching from the Atlantic ocean

to that other one.

You'll be pleased to know, sir,

that the Hacker Hellstorm

was delivered to and installed in Toronto yesterday.

Good work.

Good work, boy.

When I found you,

I said to myself,

'I can make something

'out of that sniveling little sneak.'

Yes, sir.

Sir, what exactly is the Hacker Hellstorm?

I�m just curious since I sold it and all.

Well, that's fair enough, Stu.

The Hacker hellstorm is a devastating weapon,

a destabilizing weapon.

And it is capable

of launching all the missiles

in the United States

at once.

Really?

But the Canadians will never, ever use it.

How can you be so sure?

Because I didn't give them the operating codes.

Really?

They think it gives them an edge

on high-tech weather forecasting.

Uh-huh.

So the Hellstorm is harmless, yes?

Ah, Stuey.

Ha ha ha!

Honey!

Honey!

What the...

Holy shit.

What the hell?

Honey?

Shh!

Kabral...

What does this look like to you?

Got me.

I never saw a white one that size.

It's the Canadian national tower.

Maybe I better

carry the guns.

Where we going?

Boomer's got a special mission for us.

Says Canadians are too clean

for their own good.

We're crossing over.

To Canada?

Yep. We're going in tonight

to kick

some Canadian butt.

Can we go to the tower?

No. I don't think so.

Cut the engine. It's making too much noise.

What did you say?

We have to be very quiet.

We're all going to have to paddle.

Get those oars in the water.

Go on. Put your back into it.

Nice and easy. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Canada.

This'll drive them crazy!

There is no more heinous crime than this in Canada.

Are you sure we're in Canada?

Do you smell anything?

No. Exactly.

Canada!

Hey, those look like my socks.

That isn't garbage!

That's my laundry.

Roy boy, you idiot!

Pick this up!

You stupid jerk,

what are you doing?

My good stuff.

Hello?

Who goes there?

Freeze!

Johnny Canuck!

Leave the park immediately

and go back to where you came from.

Scatter!

Everybody back to the boat!

Sir, you can't end your sentence with a preposition.

Oh, really?

Ha ha ha!

Whoo whoo whoo!

Well, what would you say?

Well, I guess I'd say either,

'Go back from where you came,'

or the preferred Queen's English,

'Go back, thee, from whence thou came.'

Hee hee hee!

Oh, man, that was close.

We were staring death right in its face!

So, uh, where's, uh, Honey?

Oh, man, we forgot Honey!

I left Honey behind!

We left a man behind.

Boomer left a man behind!

The marines never leave a man behind.

Chuck Norris never left a man behind.

Wesley Snipes never leaves a man behind!

She's all alone behind enemy lines.

I got to think!

She's going to be fine.

She's a survivor. She's strong!

Hope she doesn't kill anybody.

We interrupt our regularly-scheduled program

and go live to the president of the United States.

We have just learned that the Canadian government

is holding an American citizen hostage.

I have communicated

with the Canadian prime minister

our demand that this hostage, this woman,

uh, hostage Honey,

must be released now!

Oh, my god. Honey!

To facilitate this,

I've ordered our armed forces on alert,

and I've ordered them to prepare to engage

in operation Canadian Bacon.

And I want to say to prime minister MacDonald,

'Surrender her pronto,

'or we'll level Toronto.'

God bless America.

God bless America.

God bless you, Mr. President.

Oh, Honey.

And, Honey, I miss you

and I'm bein' good

and I'd love to be with you

if only I could

This just got in.

We have received amateur videotape of hostage Honey.

Roy boy, Kabral, quick!

Huh? Honey!

Boomer!

Traitor! You Benedict Arnold!

You took off and left me here...

Oh, she's pissed.

You think?

I'll rip out every bone in your body!

She's mad at you, Boomer.

Boomer, you hear me?

She is being held at mountie headquarters

in Niagara Falls, Canada.

Sources in the intelligence community

speculate that Canada may be preparing

to terminate her,

which would certainly be in keeping

with what we know about the Canadians.

Terminate?

This is no less than an act of war.

There's a time to think and a time to act,

and this, gentlemen, is no time to think.

We'll have one more round, and then we'll go.

Chester!

Another round.

Same thing.

Gives Honey a chance to cool off a little bit.

Yeah, we know.

Yeah.

Come on. Out of the way.

There's not a locked door in the whole country.

Let's go!

I don't want to have to drop first blood,

but I will if I have to!

I mean it, I'll hurt you.

Everybody down on the ground,

and no one will be hurt!

The elk, the beaver, and the moose

are man's best friends.

All right, pops,

who's in charge?

Uh, just the two of us, just Ruthie and me.

No other personnel in the whole building?

No. We're the night shift.

Excuse me, ma'am,

there's not another control room?

No, dear, this is it.

Thank you.

Um, Boomer, maybe

we better just go, huh?

Stand your ground, soldier!

Oh, brother.

Now, let me get this straight.

You're telling me that you two are responsible

for supplying all the electricity

to your entire nation?

That's about the size of it.

Oh, dad. Tsk tsk tsk.

Does he ever like to brag.

Heh heh heh.

Put those needles down, nice and easy,

where I can see them.

Spread out!

Find the power source

for the mountie headquarters.

I'm going to ask you one more time.

Where is the power switch

to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police headquarters?

You're going to tell me sooner or later.

Now, we can do it my way,

which is very nice right now,

or we can do it their way,

which you're not going to like.

Heh heh heh.

You Canadians are so sneaky.

Don't touch that.

You'll black out most of Canada!

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, right.

What do we look like, jerks?

Please!

You screwed up now.

I'll be the judge of that!

All right. Let's move out.

And you, don't tell anybody we was here.

Come on!

Ow!

You know, I could get to like this.

Really?

On these screens here, Mr. President.

What is this? What's happening?

All of Canada

is going dark, sir.

What do you make of this?

I'll tell you, but you'll dislike it.

Mr. President, prime minister MacDonald,

calling from Ottawa.

Yes--

Clark, hi.

Now, why would we want to cut off your power?

No. What--calm down.

Calm--

No. If we were up to something,

we would have mined your harbors.

Damn right.

What?

Who?

Yeah, I see. Yeah.

We'll check this out, and we'll get back to you.

Goodbye!

You're not going to believe this.

That same goddamned sheriff from Niagara Falls,

that--that--that hero...

Bud Boomer...

he's the one responsible for the blackout.

Boomer. Oh, sir. That's bullshit!

This is a Canadian trick.

Blame us,

get world sympathy

and make it impossible

for our night-attack bombers

to locate their cities

and destroy their inhabitants.

God, sir,

that's the oldest trick in the book!

'Thank you for sleeping so quietly.

'I love you...

'even though you're a criminal.

'Thank you for keeping your cell clean.

'I...

'miss you.'

Welcome to Canada.

Hold it right there, Canuck.

Who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm a citizen

with a constitutional right to bear arms.

Heh heh heh!

Take the pelts. Take whatever you want.

We don't want your stinking pelts.

Have some fudge. Just leave me alone.

Didn't you hear him?

We're your worst nightmare.

My worst nightmare

involved a pack of rabid wolves.

I was stuck somewhere in the Yukon,

and there were tall, skinny rabbits,

and they were drinking heavily.

Just shut up!

We want your prisoner. Where is she?

I don't know what you're talking aboot, eh.

'Aboot?' it's 'about!'

What we're talking about!

And enough of

that 'eh' business.

Learn to talk right, understand?

We got ways of making you pronounce the letter 'o.'

I want my Honey!

Now, get the keys for the cells now.

Now!

Easy.

Easy.

O.k., Mr. Canuck,

Mr. two-time world series winner.

Hey, watch that fancy move!

See, this is all the prisoners we have.

This man was arrested

for putting regular gas into an unleaded tank.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going over to show you the next guy.

Easy. One step at a time.

This man was arrested

for being in

too many bad moods.

I got you covered.

I got you covered.

I got you covered, buddy.

This man raided a company,

merged it with his conglomerate,

and then fired all the employees.

Get away from the bars, you scum!

Boomer!

Hold on, Jack.

Now, you tell us where Honey is.

Let me paint a picture

for you, buddy.

She's petite, extremely beautiful,

and heavily armed.

Wait. You mean the litterbug.

They took her to the capital

to give her a free mental health examination.

Good. The capital, Toronto.

No. The capital of Canada is Ottawa.

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, right.

Do we look that stupid?

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ottawa!

Ha ha ha!

Nice try, Dudley.

All right, boys!

We're going to Toronto...

Ha ha ha!

The capital.

Do you want some water?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Too bad.

Gentlemen...

Let's, uh,

take the truck.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Let's go!

Hey, Boomer?

Yeah? What's wrong?

I got an idea.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. President,

I think we should look on the positive side.

What we have

is a brave but misguided group of Americans

who've gone into Canada

and kicked some serious Canadian butt.

Well, we've got to do something.

We could send in the omega force.

Isn't that a bit drastic?

Sir, the helms amendment and nsc order 725

both specifically prohibit

the use of omega force against Caucasians.

That's right.

I guess if I were the president's male secretary,

I might read the helms amendment that way.

What choice do we have, sir?

We have to take this sheriff out immediately

before this turns into a shooting war

instead of the cold war that we wanted.

Mr. President...

Hey! Hey!

Sheriff Boomer has become a national idol

at a time when our people lack true heroes,

yourself excluded, sir.

It would seem wise not to lose him.

General, the president should see this, sir.

Enraged by the imprisonment of hostage Honey,

and inspired by their hero Bud Boomer,

US Citizens from coast to coast

are taking actions against Americans of Canadian birth

and suspected Canadian sympathizers.

Some Americans in other border towns

have followed sheriff Boomer into Canada

with the hope of liberating that country.

Everything I see

or read about

these Canadians

just makes me want to puke!

USA, USA

It's time we put America back in north America.

God bless Bud Boomer!

USA, USA

Oh...christ.

Mr. President, I believe we have no choice

but to remove Bud Boomer judiciously...

Ah...

Now.

Well, it's an idea.

Send in omega force!

Spread your tiny wings and fly away...

Go fish.

Welcome to Canada.

Who are you?

Uhh!

Uhh!

That was totally unnecessary.

Where is Boomer?

I had an amazing hand.

Where is he?

Toronto.

We're coming, Honey. We're coming.

Hey, Boomer, how come you never let me drive, man?

Just don't--don't start with me, all right?

The black cat never gets to drive.

It's not because you're black.

Lots of black guys

drive all the time.

For example.

What's his name? Danny Glover

In driving Miss... What's her name?

Danny Glover didn't drive Miss Daisy.

He drove Mel Gibson.

He didn't drive Mel Gibson.

That's Eddie Murphy drives Mel Gibson.

Eddie Murphy drives Nick Nolte.

He does not.

Hey, guys, I drove once.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, jeez.

Maybe it's not us.

It's not us.

Pull over!

Pull over!

It's us. He wants us. All right.

We're pulling over.

All right, fellas. Just act normal,

all right?

Act normal,

not normal for us.

Normal for

regular people.

Good day.

Hi.

May I see your license and registration, please?

There you go.

Thank you.

Oh, Americans!

Welcome to Ontario, A sportsman's paradise.

Isn't it, though?

Please get out and step away from the vehicle.

O.k...

What is wrong with this picture?

Um...

Uh...

No snow tires.

No.

I was driving on the

wrong side of the road.

I can explain that.

I am not used to your rules up here.

That's not it.

This writing on the side of your vehicle.

Oh! How did that get there?

Those kids at the garage,

I just--

Whatever.

My concern is the sensibilities

of a certain distinct

and viable part of Canadian society--

Les Quebecois.

Huh?

You know, wine drinkers.

Pea-soup eaters.

French Canadians.

Oh, yeah. Those guys. Sure.

If you wish to avoid prosecution,

I'd advise that you comply with our language laws,

which specifically prescribe

that all signs be in both English and French,

Canada's 2 official languages.

O.k.

I do have to fine you.

That'll be $1,000 Canadian

or $10 American if you'd prefer.

Oh! No. I'll pay the American there. Yeah.

There you go, buddy.

Here you are, $10.

Thank you very much. There's your receipt.

Thank you.

And now...

In French, if you please.

Dr. Wall, Dr. Wall, please pick up line 5.

All doctors participating

in today's house calls, please report to the lobby.

'Get well soon

'From prime minister Clark MacDonald.'

Anyone in need of a free triple bypass,

please sign the bonus slip in your room.

'Get well, get well, feel good.'

This is...

'Best wishes, Gordon Lightfoot.'

Eww!

Ottawa!

Go, fifi!

So, we're up

and around, are we?

And how are we feeling today?

Aren't you two a little young to be doctors?

Oh, we're not doctors. We're candy stripers.

Our universal health care system

has determined

that you don't actually need a doctor until...

2006.

Until then, we're here to see

that you're comfortable and to give you, uh...

a kidney transplant.

No, that can't be right.

Check the paperwork.

Ow!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Douglas!

Born

Born in the USA

I was

Born in the USA

I was

Born in the USA

I was

Born in the USA

I was

Born in the USA

Born in the USA

Dah, dah

Dah, dah, dah, USA?

If you catch a cold,

there's some aspirin in the cabinet.

And thanks for hanging on to my American-made assault weapons.

Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-b.

Give me that.

O...

- klahoma

O...

- klahoma

O...

- klahoma

Hmm mm mm

Dah dah dah dah dah

Oklahoma

Oklahoma

Oklahoma

Okla...Oklahoma?

Hey, it's o.k.

It was just my toe.

All right. That's enough, man.

You guys aren't thinking about Honey at all, are you?

I'm worried sick.

Ever see the dirty dozen?

That was a cool movie.

Man, that was real cool.

Lee Marvin...

Charles Bronson...

Ernest Borgnine.

Jim Brown.

Uh, Telly Savalas, Clint Walker.

Jim Brown.

Trini Lopez!

Cool.

Trini Lopez! Never could figure that one out.

What the hell was he doing in the dirty dozen?

If I was putting together

a group of murderers and cutthroats,

Trini Lopez would not be in the starting lineup.

That's why he dies first.

Don't they all die?

No.

Jim Brown dies.

What do you expect?

Of all the dirty dozen,

this black guy's

supposed to sneak in behind enemy lines

and pretend he's a Kraut?

That's not it, man.

It's just the black guy always dies.

Think about it, man. Unforgiven...

Uh, Alien...

Rocky IV...

The shining...

Star Trek II...

Forrest Gump..

Witness...

Annie Hall.

Not Annie Hall...

Night of the living dead.

That's the one!

And what about that brother in Jurassic Park?

Oh, that was cool.

Two black guys died in that one. A twofer!

You must be really pissed off at that one.

I'm telling you, man,

the black guy always dies first.

Oh, aw, man.

Hey.

Don't worry, Kabral.

You'll pass for Canadian.

You really do need help.

Oh, I need help?

Yeah.

Knock it off with this dirty dozen stuff.

Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?

Whoo!

Ha ha ha ha!

That was a good movie.

Welcome to the Hacker Hellstorm,

Your one-stop program for total nuclear destruction.

Please enter your pin code now.

You have reached the Hellstorm communications center.

Please choose your missile launch sites

from your on-screen menu.

Establishing contact...

with all US launch sites.

American missiles...

now under the control of the Hacker Hellstorm.

Countdown ready to commence.

Hellstorm activated.

Thank God for technology.

12 hours to launch.

Any word from omega force,

like where they are?

Hell, they--

What the hell is that?

It's def-con 4, sir.

Just remind me. What is def-con 4?

Defense condition 4, sir.

A nuclear attack is imminent

or the opposite.

I'm not quite sure.

Imminent, Stu!

There you go, imminent.

Well, can't we stop this?

The siren, sir, or nuclear exchange?

Either one!

Uh, sir, our missile silos in southern Utah

have somehow become activated.

Well, who ordered that?

It wasn't me, was it?

No. I didn't order that.

Can't you stop this?

General Panzer,

where are those missiles aimed?

Well, sir, uh...

those icbms in southern Utah are, uh,

directed at, uh,

at Moscow, sir.

What?

Why would you aim missiles at an--an ally?

Sir, it seems that nearly all of our missiles

are directed at targets

in the former Soviet republics.

Why the hell is that?

With all due respect, sir,

your boys

in intelligence

never could decide

who was

a big enough threat

to point those babies elsewhere.

Let me say, sir,

if one of

our birds land

in the Russkies' backyard,

plenty will

be landing in ours.

I have just arrived here

as part of the pentagon press corps.

There are some things we will not be allowed to show you.

But you can rest assured that you will be getting

all of the information you need to know.

I am standing here--

in the middle of--

and it is--

for those of you with sons and daughters up here,

I can only say that--

and that's about the only thing

that has been going wrong at this point.

The activation order

appears to be

coming from Canada.

How can Canada

activate our missiles?

Oh, shit. The Hacker Hellstorm.

The what?

The Hacker Hellstorm.

Sir, it's a program you canceled

when you tried to

balance the budget.

What is the Hacker Hellstorm?

Vargo...

It's an automatic nuclear response system, sir.

It initiates a nuclear counterstrike on its own.

I never liked it.

Took the fun out of Armageddon.

I'm glad they canceled the son of a bitch.

How did Canada get it?

That's classified.

Classified?

I'm--I'm the president!

How did Canada get it, Stu?

I want to talk to Hacker right now!

It's a vision.

My eyes.

There it is, men.

Toronto.

It's beautiful.

It's like no other city I've ever seen.

It's like Albany...

Only cleaner.

The tower!

That's Toronto, boys.

Cool.

Wow!

Jeez, how do they clean all those windows?

Windex, dummy.

Where did they get so many buildings?

It's eerie.

Where is everybody? I don't like this.

Me neither.

There's a kid up there.

Hey, hey, kid.

Kid, where is everybody?

The tower.

The tower?

The Canadian national tower.

Some crazy American woman's there with a big gun.

Oh, thanks.

Crazy American lady with a gun. Ha ha.

It's Honey!

Come on, fellas, let's go.

Attention, please.

Attention, please.

This is the Royal Canadian mounted police.

Would you come down from the tower, please?

If you say 'please' one more time,

I'm going to let you have it.

No, no, no. I got that part.

What I don't understand

is how the Canadians

have a fully functional and operational Hellstorm.

I thought what I sold them

was not usable.

How the hell did I let you

Stuey...

God almighty.

Why do you bother your head

with this kind of crap?

Maybe it's because you're an only child.

Or maybe it's because

you're becoming irrelevant.

Now, calm down, for christ's sake.

Mm-hmm.

The Canadians cannot launch any missiles.

Only I can,

because I have the codes,

All of them.

And I'm in control.

So, easy.

Missile countdown has started in

Wyoming and Montana.

All right. I want an answer.

Does Canada have the power

to launch America's nuclear weapons?

The Hacker Hellstorm can do that and a lot more.

And if you hadn't canceled that program,

the technology would

still be in American hands.

So you sold control of American missiles

to a foreign country.

If you can call

Canada foreign

or a country.

When you canceled that program,

you left me standing there

out of pocket $500 million!

I got to make up

on a shortfall like that.

After all the billions he's made on uncle Sam...

in a decent, God-fearing country,

I'd be allowed to beat the two of you to death.

It's scum like you

that make a simple war all screwed up

and confusing.

It's people like us who keep people like you in business.

We're now registering missile activity in Nevada.

All right, now I want to know

where exactly did you install this,

this Hellstorm thing?

Ever run an old possum up a tree, Mr. President?

He'll find the highest branch he can.

Out of my way. Out of my way.

Out of my way.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Out of my way. Out of my way.

I'm sorry.

Out of my way. Out of my way.

I'm sorry.

All right. You wait here.

I'll be right back. Get out of my way.

Oh...

Now, you know that I built Hellstorm number 1.

But what you don't know

is that I also built Hellstorm number 2.

what's that? What's 2?

It's to defend us against Hellstorm 1.

Just in case an enemy

should ever acquire it.

I don't want to say that it's pure genius,

But--

No, no. It's insane!

It's business.

And I can let you have it immediately,

but it won't be cheap.

It won't be cheap? How much will it be?

$1 trillion.

$1 trillion!

That includes the cost overruns.

Mr. Hacker, you've got uncle Sam

by the cojones.

Don't you have any patriotism, sir?

What about the Alamo?

The halls of Montezuma,

the sands of Iwo Jima?

The guns of Navarone?

Didn't you ever fantasize about the duke

in the flying leathernecks?

Huh?

I mean, fantasize about being the duke,

not fantasize

about the duke.

You know what I mean, sir?

30 minutes to launch.

Oh, god...

What have you got there?

Oh, my god...

Mr. President, we have a Situation uranus in Utah.

They bumped their birds up to t-minus 7.

This is terrible.

I didn't understand a word of what he said.

He said the missiles will launch

in 7 minutes.

Oh, my god!

Mr. President,

you got 6 minutes and change.

This is a mistake

you do not want to make!

Negotiate with him.

Give him what he wants.

I know. Just give me a second.

Gentlemen, I intend to put some shoe leather

between me and ground zero.

Call me, Mr. President,

when you decide to give me the money.

Wait a second. Hold on 1 second.

I don't understand something.

Why would the Canadians try to start a war

between us and the Russians?

I don't get that.

Hacker!

Hacker! Hack--

Get me intelligence. I need intelligence.

Canada's not launching those missiles.

You are!

Give me the money, Then I'll turn it off.

Give me the goddamn codes!

You son of a bitch, You're through!

Oh, my god!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Guards! Arrest Mr. Smiley!

Wait! I got the codes!

Mr. Hacker?

Mr. Hacker?

I think this old possum

has bought the farm.

E-i-e-i-o.

Oh, excuse me.

Pardon me.

Sorry.

Oh!

Sorry!

Stu, Stu, Stu,

It really pains me to see you this way.

Ah, who am I kidding?

We'll torture him later.

Get him out of here.

What about the Russians?

Call Moscow. We've got to warn them.

Vladimir Krushkin-- he was in briefly over lunch,

Countercoup, he was out, then reinstalled again--

As of supper,

he was still there.

Let me level with you, sir.

I would destroy any nation,

even my own,

if my president

gave the order.

So you just say the word, sir,

and we'll do what

we should have done

in the first place.

We'll nuke the slimy Canuck bastards.

We'll wipe their frigid,

Goddamned country off the map.

I can't kill America's neighbors.

I can.

I summer up there.

I understand, sir.

Mr. President,

We've lost contact with omega force.

Well, that's it.

Moscow is about to light up

hotter than a pig roast

on flag day.

That'll certainly guarantee

a retaliatory gesture against the United States.

No shit.

Get prime minister MacDonald

on the phone.

I'll give him anything he wants.

Got to.

This is the Hacker Hellstorm Weather forecasting center.

1 minute, 50 seconds to total annihilation.

Have a nice day.

Mr. Prime minister,

I'm asking you to stop it.

Now pay attention to me, o.k.?

I'm talking about the Hacker Hellstorm.

You got it, and you've got to turn it off.

Clark, we can't turn it off.

Of course we've tried!

We can't turn it--

He's putting his wife on.

Hi.

Uh...uh...

Ecoutez,

vous avez gagne.

Uh...

Fermez les 'rockettes', o.k.?

About 2 years in high school

and about 4 years in college.

Well, thank you.

American missiles will launch

in 1 minute and 30 seconds.

Oh! Oh! When will it end?

Clark, are you listening to me?

Don't launch the rockets.

Our rockets!

Don't launch them!

I'm giving up, you understand?

Whatever you want, you've got it! You've won!

Don't play games with me, Clark! You won!

Canuck central!

T-minus 15 seconds.

The Canucks and Hacker?

10 seconds to launch.

Prepare to launch.

Clark, please! We're running out of time!

That's my Honey.

Boomer!

Don't like heights.

We've got to get out of here. Come on!

Step on it.

Now, this is what I call a health care system.

Look, Honey.

Home.

Home.

The US of A.

Whoo! Let's go.

Ha ha ha! There it is!

Like I care!

We're going to be there any minute now!

Oh, yeah! Trust me.

Only in America

Can a guy from anywhere

Go to sleep a pauper

And wake up a millionaire

Only in America

A-woo

Can a kid without a cent

A-woo

Get a break and maybe grow up to be president

Only in America

Land of opportunity, yeah

Could a boy who's nothing

Be something and be everything

Only in America

Can a kid who's washin' cars

Take a giant step

And reach right up and touch the stars

Only in America

A-woo

Could a dream like this come true

A-woo

Could a guy like me

Start with nothing and end up

Like you

Only in America

Land of opportunity, Yeah

Could a boy who's nothing

Be something and be everything

Be everything

America

America

America

America

America?

Beneath its snowy mantle cold and clean

The unborn grass lies waiting

For its gold to turn to green

The snowbird sings the song he always sings

And speaks to me of flowers

That will bloom again in spring

When I was young my heart was young then, too

And anything that it would tell me

That's the thing that I would do

But now I feel such emptiness within

For the thing that I want most in life's?

The thing that I can't win

Spread your tiny wings and fly away

And take the snow back with you

Where it came from on that day

The one I loved forever is untrue

And if I could

You know that I would fly away with you

The breeze along the river seems to say

That he'll only break my heart again

Should I decide to stay

Spread your tiny wings and fly away

And take the snow back with you

marwansoft@yahoo.com