Original subtitles

- Ease the pressure. - Ease the pressure.

Nice. Very nice. Not bad.

Learning calligraphy? It's a useful skill.

I need you to write a strongly worded letter

to Thomas Jefferson, please.

Benji, no, I'm actually finishing up

the name tags for my all-girl sleepover weekend.

Come on. You're not a group-of-friends type of gal, okay?

I've seen how you thrive, and it's when you find

the weakest one in the herd and poach.

Look, this is different. Last year, I met

these girls at Lizzy's bachelorette weekend,

and we just clicked, there was something there.

And I've been waiting the whole year to invite them over,

and reconnect and secure my spot in their friend group.

And you're all going out on the town

while their kids stay here and play with your toys?

Clearly, you've never been to a girls' sleepover, okay.

We are going to tap into our inner child,

and let loose and get to know each other.

We've got puffy paints, glitter, body shimmer, Spice Girls.

Each thing more fun and youthful and flirty than the last.

Dude, if you put half the energy

you put into getting random girls to like you

into shaving your happy trail or...

These girls are not random.

Okay, these are Lizzy's best friends,

and Lizzy is our queen and our leader,

and she discovered me, okay?

She's the Cher and I'm the Tai.

That's a Clueless reference.

We're gonna watch the movie tonight.

- Stay in your room. - What?

You're not allocating my

own house to me. What are you talking about?

Thank you for abiding by the rules of the house calendar,

- as we previously agreed upon. - I never agreed to anything.

- This is stupid. - I'm gonna email to confirm,

- 'CC' myself. - NO!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

Uh, what is happening?

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

Excuse me, this is a closed, private dance rehearsal.

- Can I help you? - You don't have the ankle strength

to just dance like that without stretching first.

I know I joke and say you have cankles, but...

- you're frail. - I don't need to stretch,

because my body knows this routine by heart

since the fifth grade talent show.

And tonight, I'm teaching it to all my girlfriends

who are coming over, so no interruptions.

I've got plans tonight, so don't worry about it.

You don't bother us. Yeah, I said us.

My ex Caitlyn's in town for a few days.

You can't call someone your ex

just because you really wanted to kiss them

- at summer camp. - You didn't see our chemistry, alright.

Summer camp love is really intense.

You don't understand that

'cause you have mom-dad separation anxiety.

I had my own childhood summer fling, okay?

Matt the husky lifeguard in the publipoc pool

always gave me free drumsticks, chicken and ice cream.

Sounds like a bad lifeguard; he's husky, and giving people food

while they're swimming. Double no-no.

It's really hard to reconnect with people from the past

Do you have a plan?

Tell her how I felt back then,

and then maybe, she'll like me now?

Communicate your feelings? You don't have that skill set.

I guess not, but I got really high quality psychedelics,

and I'm hoping that'll loosen me up.

I saw on her Snapchat that

she goes to a lot of jam band concerts, so.

Oh, my God, Benji!

She likes 11-minute songs.

I figure I'm not as bad as that.

Don't you know that 90% of the people who try drugs

- will eventually die? - We're just gonna micro-dose.

It's nothing, it's like a strong antidepressant.

Benji, I'm trying to save your life, okay?

I'm sorry, there's this baby duck video

that this girl put on her Instagram story.

It's so cute.

Wait, I wanna see the baby duck.

Show me the baby duck video.

Hey, guys, welcome. I made T-shirts.

I hope you guys like everything, oh,

Jess!

- Oh, my God! - Whoa!

I am so happy you're here. Oh, here's your shirt.

Oh, cool. Thank you.

Yeah. Um, I saw you passed the bar.

I'm so proud of you.

How do you know that?

I just found out last night.

Oh, well, that information's all public.

I took a course in college on investigative journalism.

- That's nice. - Yeah.

- You look really pretty. - Oh, thanks. So do you.

- Thanks. - This is really fun.

Thank you. Cammy!

Here's your shirt.

- Aw. - How's the singing career going?

Did you get an agent yet?

I'm an accountant.

Oh, I know. I just meant at Lizzy's bachelorette weekend,

you sang "Like A Virgin," and it was so good,

it was like I was hearing the song for the very first time.

I was like a virgin to the... forget it.

You're probably so swamped with tax season approaching.

No, it just ended.

Well, you know what they say. It's always tax season somewhere.

Yeah. I brought you this.

Ooh, let's open that up.

- Yes! - Yeah.

Actually, um...

Actually, I was thinking we would do a sober weekend,

just 'cause it's usually more fun that way.

Um, I made stevia lemonade.

So there's no drinking this weekend?

I just want to avoid that thing

where you feel like you made a super strong connection,

and the next day, people are, like,

"That didn't mean anything, we were drunk."

I think we're all on the same page.

Wait, who are we missing?

Um, can someone text Lizzy?

She never responded to my evite,

but I'm sure she'll show up.

I don't have her number, we're more email pals.

Esther, is that, like, a messed-up joke or something?

Why? Is it funny?

Lizzy's dead.

As if.

No, I'm not kidding.

She's gone.

Excuse me.

It was about eight months ago.

No one told you?

No. I know.

I know.

And that's why I have brought you all here,

is to have a celebration of her life.

I don't get it.

Well, these are all the things that Lizzy loved.

She loved puffy paints,

and pipe cleaners,

and loose feathers.

You know, we should do a toast.

To Lizzy.

- Yes... - That would be really nice.

Uh, but no alcohol, remember,

so maybe, like, a stevia lemonade toast.

Okay.

This way, Caitlyn.

So I was thinking we could get the night started

with a little nostalgic camp activity.

Tetherball!

Oh, man, I used to crush you at this.

Got it at a pre-school foreclosure.

That's sad, but I'm still gonna beat you.

Oh, yeah?

Let's see how good either of us are after we eat this.

Oh, drugs.

I'm actually a very holistic person now.

Well, that's fine. This is actually a plant derivative.

In Peru, this is considered a super fruit.

Sorry, I don't do drugs anymore.

You don't? How long have you been sober for?

- Two days. - Well.

That's a thing, you know.

It's pretty tough when your sponsors

are trying to sleep with you all the time.

Yeah, if you can't trust a drug addict, who can you trust?

Well, uh...

my serve.

My plan was to do this on drugs.

I'm doing it sober like Napoleon Dynamite.

Well... you're not even trying.

Hit it hard. Have some pride.

Okay. Challenge accepted.

Benji.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. The ball's pretty soft.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I did not mean to interrupt you.

Benji, I really need to talk to you inside immediately.

I'm fine. Go.

Just wait right there. I'll be right back.

We'll make up for lost time, and...

and, um, I've got so many fun surprises, all right?

I'll be right back.

I'm confused. You threw a party for a dead person?

Not on purpose.

Was Lizzy that paralegal who got you diplomatic immunity

- to park in loading zones? - No, that was Christina.

Lizzy was my manager at the juice bar,

the one who had to let me go because

she knew I was meant for bigger things.

Right, you stole a few hundred dollars

in charcoal lemonade, right?

And because she believed in me.

Now there's a group of girls out there

with no leader, there's a shirt with nobody to wear it.

I mean, it's a war zone.

We've already lost one of our own.

Okay, yeah, this sounds dramatic. A female power vacuum.

- I don't know what to tell you. - Oh, my God... you're right.

It's a power vacuum. That is so dangerous.

I mean, that's why me, Becca, Jamie, and Christina

never made it past the fifth grade,

because we had no leader.

We couldn't decide what to wear on twin day. True story.

Esther, I love you, but you just say people's names

like I'm supposed to know who they are, and I don't.

I have to do something,

for Lizzy's memory, and for my party,

because both are in very bad shape right now.

Dude, stop with the structured activities,

and just chill out; that's what people wanna do.

That's what I'm doing with Caitlyn,

and we're having an awesome time.

Look, I can be happy for you and Caitlyn later,

but right now, there is a group of girls out there

that needs me to be their leader.

- Their Cher Horowitz. - All right. Good luck.

Wow.

I mean, I am about to be in charge

of a group of six young women

for the rest of our lives,

through the ups and downs of career,

marriage, children, divorce, our husbands dying.

I mean, it's gonna be a challenge,

but I'm up for it.

Wish me luck.

I just wished you luck ten seconds ago.

You don't listen to anything I say.

Sorry about my wacky friend.

What's going on?

I have a headache,

so I'm using crystal therapy to open my energy pathways.

Girl, you got rocks on your face.

I think you have a concussion.

Let's go to the hospital.

No way.

So western medicine can pump me

full of cancer-causing agents?

I don't think so.

Do you have oregano oil?

It works way better than aspirin.

Oregano? Um...

My brother dates a lot of crazy girls,

and he has this drawer full of stuff; I can check there.

You think I'm crazy?

[STAMMERING] I think you're crazy hot.

I'll be right back.

- How can she not... - Lizzy hated crafts.

Okay, ladies, gather round. Perfect.

Wait, what happened to Marissa?

Oh, Marissa had to go,

and there was a phone call in Thailand for work, so...

Global citizen. SO worldly, I love that.

Okay, for the rest of us,

let's get to crafts circuits, right?

Jess, let's start you at the tie dye station,

and Cammy, calligraphy. Be careful, those M's are super tricky.

Sophia, sticker books.

When you guys hear the bell, we'll rotate.

I am gonna start making my candy salad.

It's a super secret family recipe.

My grandmother actually immigrated from Candyland, so...

Good times.

I'll see ya in there.

Okay, I'm gonna call a Lyft.

I wanna get in there.

- Let me get my shoes. - Should have gone with Marissa.

Why didn't I get a ride with her?

Whoa, whoa, where are you guys going?

You look like a Lyft driver. Can you get us out of here?

We're leaving, it's just all kids' stuff.

Plus there's no booze.

You can't just leave.

Tonight means a lot to Esther. Look around.

I mean, it's sweet that you care about her, but...

I mean, I have to care about her. She's like a rescue animal.

If you're not nice to them and pet them and feed them,

they pee on the floor and bite you, you know.

But, I don't know, maybe tonight will get better.

- [TIMER DINGS] - [ESTHER] It's time to rotate.

- Okay... - Bye.

Wait, wait, wait.

Uh, here, take this.

You'll have a lot of fun with this stuff.

- Oh... - What is it?

I think it's like a "let's massage each other" type drug,

but I'm not really familiar.

I was just trying to impress a girl

who likes jam bands, to be honest.

- Who's in? - Me.

I don't do drugs that often,

but I think, if you wanna do drugs, you wanna do that stuff.

Secret's safe with us. Sh!

Who's Asif, by the way?

Oh, my God.

I love this candy piano.

It's so freakin' cute.

And you did such a great job building it.

Honestly, someone should give you a break.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Yes, yes.

Oh, my God, you wrote "calligraphy" in calligraphy?

- That's amazing. - Thanks.

Yes!

Jess, your sticker book page looks awesome.

It's insane, right?

If I were to give you any criticism at all,

I'd say it's a little kitten heavy,

but, like, if that's your taste, go for it.

I just feel like I'm a child again.

Like, but in a really... like, I'm a child again.

- Yes. - You know, and I just

have been fighting this creative part of myself

for too long, and I'm not going back to who I was before.

This is who I am now. I honestly owe it to you.

And you're sober, that's what makes this so much better, right?

[SCREAMING]

Okay, for real, though,

I think it's time for us to put on our movement clothes,

and get to the dance portion of the night.

[ALL] Yeah!

- Whoo! - Oh.

Oh, my God!

[ALL] Esther, Esther, Esther!

- Okay, okay. - [ALL] Esther!

This is good. What's in it?

Um, some parsley, uh, turmeric,

some dehydrated chicken stock.

I pretty much accessed my inner shaman,

and poured my whole spice rack into a hot cup of water.

Well, I feel better, so that's a good sign.

Yeah, I mean, I'm no NFL doctor,

but I don't think you have a concussion,

so on to our next activity.

I have no idea what to do with you.

While you were gone, I looked through the window

at the slumber party. Do you wanna join in?

And, like, make fun of them, like summer camp.

Sure. Or maybe, they wanna talk about their energy centers.

I thought you said you have a college degree.

♪ ♪

Everyone's on drugs 'cause of me.

I'm pretty much like a legit club promoter now.

All I need is one of those Barbados scarves

that Steven Tyler's mic stand wears.

♪ ♪

Oh, yes, you guys, yes.

Oh, my God, really remember to snap that hip, remember?

Snap. Cassidy, I see you.

I feel seen, I do.

Let's join.

I don't wanna. Come on.

I can't give a bunch of girls drugs and then have them dance.

That's a little too South Beach for me.

But go dance. I don't wanna hold you back.

Have fun.

Nice work out there.

That's right.

Now this is leadership in action, okay?

Lean in, bitch.

I'm leaning everywhere.

I can smell you everywhere.

I know your body odor is strong,

but it's not, like, bad, you know what I mean?

It's body odor, it's bad.

Esther, I love this song.

It was my jam back in the day.

It's my jam still, so...

What is she doing out here?

Having a good time. This is all positive stuff.

Your slumber party's a hit, you got a new girl in your squad.

No, no, no. You can't just throw in a new person.

It ruins the equilibrium, okay.

And I don't wanna make this about the dance,

but, like, she clearly doesn't get the tone.

♪ ♪

I mean, she's killing it.

Okay, everyone, let's go back to our respective

sanctions in the house, please.

I think you mean sections, not sanctions.

Okay, well... sanctions made it sound more official somehow.

- I think both work. - Look, Esther,

Caitlyn and I can only connect

in a camp-like setting, and your party's just like camp.

Everyone's having pre-teen fun while I stare.

No, you do not get to shit on my party all night,

and then join in right when it's peaking.

Like I said, users and abusers in your room,

and my friends get to stay out here.

If you're talking about me or Caitlyn,

- we didn't do any drugs. - Well, that's good.

As you see, a drug-free party

is the best kind of party, all right?

Oh, I didn't say nobody took drugs.

Scu me?

What are you talking about?

What?

It was the only way to get them to stay

at your pre-school-themed

- sticker weekend. - What?

I'm sorry. I gave them drugs to save your party.

[ESTHER] No!

Hey, guys.

[GASPING AND EXCLAIMING]

Yeah!

[EXCLAIMING CONTINUES]

Esther!

- Ooh! - Whoa!

Please, keep your blindfolds on.

You wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't take my brother's car.

He'll sub-lease my room again.

It's a risk I've gotta take.

These ladies need my help,

and I have to be their leader, okay?

That's just the name of the game.

My ways may be unconventional...

Esther, what are you doing? Are these girls safe?

Is anyone ever really safe? Think about it.

Now that sounds fun. Let's go, Benji.

Okay, cool. Me and Caitlyn will come with.

- No. - Please.

I've been trying to connect with this girl all night.

We have nothing in common, this is, like, my last chance.

Ugh, fine, but only because

you guys could learn a lot from me tonight,

and I could potentially save your lives.

Okay, thank you. I owe you.

I know. My office will invoice you.

All right, ladies, let's do this. Whoo!

Right this way, guys.

Last activity of the night. Follow my voice, please.

[CASSIDY] Oh, my God, are we at Yogurtland?

[JESS] Starburst factory.

[CAMMY] I feel like I smell strawberry.

I'm cold.

[ESTHER] Okay, right about here.

What do you think is gonna happen?

I don't know, but I don't think

anyone tonight is leaving smarter or better off.

Okay, everyone, remove your blindfolds.

[GASPS]

[SOPHIA] She's gonna kill us. I knew it.

Wait, wait. Is this Lizzy's grave?

What, no. That'd be crazy.

We're at Brittany Murphy's grave.

I can't wait to hear how this makes sense in her head.

As your new 'Cher'.

Like, from Clueless, your leader,

I brought you guys here to teach you a lesson, okay,

and who better to help me teach that lesson

than the real-life Tai, actress Brittany Murphy,

may she rest in peace.

Her body is really here, so let's take this seriously,

and be respectful. Ahem.

Brittany Anne Bertolotti arrived in Hollywood

by way of Atlanta,

nothing more than a Clueless Girl, Interrupted

- by the fate of stardom. - Very forced.

She made a couple of stops in Sin City,

and danced on Happy Feet, voice only.

And though we were sad to see her Drop Dead Gorgeous...

Wait, is this like a Scared Straight thing?

Yeah, 'cause you know that she didn't actually die

of a drug overdose?

They did an autopsy, and there's no...

No known cause of death. Yes, of course, I know that.

Pneumonia, if anything, okay? I'm one of her biggest fans.

I put charm bracelets on her grave

whenever I feel lonely, which is quite often.

I'm one of her biggest fans.

Do you even know that there's a made-for-TV movie

- about her life? - Yes, I know, unfortunately,

but I'm trying to block it out of my head because...

[BOTH] It was so poorly cast.

- I know. I agree. - I agree.

This is crazy. We're out of here.

Where are you guys going?

It's not over. There's more.

Yeah, we're gonna get a Lyft to go to Yogurtland.

Okay, I practiced this monologue for a long time.

How lame is it that you talk down to us like we're kids?

Yogurtland!

[ALL CHEERING]

You've really seen all those movies?

Yeah, of course. Have you seen Uptown Girls?

Yes, it's my favorite.

- Let's watch it tonight. - Oh, my God, yeah.

Then we'll watch it after with audio commentary.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Well, at least someone found their soulmate tonight.

I'm gonna head to Yogurtland.

- Get me something at Yogurtland. - Absolutely not.

Yeah, premium toppings.

Okay so you know what's so crazy?

I feel like nobody I know has seen Little Black Book.

Biggest performance of a storied career.

Yes, thank you. You know, Benji usually has

the weirdest friends, but you're, like, so normal and cool.

- You are normal and cool. - No one said that to me before.

Wait, should we go take selfies with Brittany's grave?

- Yeah. - Yeah, let's go.

Hey. Where is everybody?

I have another monologue.

This one has a few prompts.

It's gonna take me a couple of minutes to set up.

Are they in the bathroom?

It's a whole thing. We took separate Lyfts,

they went to the yogurt place on Magnolia.

I mean, drugs will make you do terrible things.

Damn it.

Do you wanna hear my monologue?

- Definitely no. - Great.

Where's your new best friend Caitlyn?

You know, Caitlyn was really cool,

but she started talking about her fiancé,

and my abandonment issues kicked in,

and I know I've never been abandoned,

but I freaked out and I broke up with her

before she could break up with me.

What did you just say? Caitlyn's engaged?

Yeah, to either an author or a golfer.

I couldn't understand what she was saying,

and I didn't want to be rude.

Guess it's for the better. I don't need another friend

with a bunch of interests I don't care about.

Speaking of friendship, can you pay for this

while I set up for my talk?

He's a sprinkles platinum diamond rewards member.

She's listed as a spouse.

E-s-t-h-e-r, the rat.

Okay, I'm gonna set up for my talk.