All language subtitles for 6x22 - My Point Of No Return

It felt good to be holding
the mother of my child.

This is nice.

But given recent events, cuddling was
as far as I was gonna go.

Kim and I had to get to know each
other again and build trust and...

Oh, my God, is that side-boob?

Careful with the side-boob, big guy.

My hormones are going crazy.
I might just pounce your skinny ass.

- Kim, I really don't think we should.
- I won't, then.

I got a giant boogie in my nose.

Look at her saying "I won't"
with a giant boogie in her nose.

I must have her.

You know what, on second thought...

Yes?

Still, I wonder what it'll be like
having sex with a pregnant woman.

That was so cool. And weird!

Yeah, somebody else liked it, too.

He's going crazy in there.

And now it's disgusting.

The next three weeks flew by.

We stayed up nights talking.

We got the place ready for a baby.

And before you knew it,
we were a couple again.

Bye.

Bye, Sammy.

Now that Elliot's wedding was only a
week away, things were getting tense.

I just don't understand why our families
can't sit at the same table.

Keith, it's impossible to fit
all the Dudemeisters at one table

without our wedding looking
like Oktoberfest.

Plus, when our families met last month,

my mom ended up doinking
your Uncle Ronald in our basement.

Uncle Ronald and Aunt Alicia
have been together for 30 years.

Yeah, welcome to my family, Keith.

Look, I know that I'm being a bridezilla,
so to make it up to you,

here's a kiss with extra tongue.

Okay, now go try on that tux
that I picked out for you.

Chop-chop!

Quick like a bunny!

Hey! And you,

you're the only one that hasn't
RSVPed to my wedding yet.

- What the hell?
- I didn't know I was invited.

But I sent your invitation to...

1 North Cemetery Drive.

That's the address
of The Addams Family.

I changed my records
to mess with Kelso

because he's always calling me Lurch.

It was either that
or 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

The Munsters. TV show?

I'm old.

So, can you make it?

You crazy?
I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Thank you.

Not a big hugger, but... There we go.

There it is.

Things weren't as heartwarming
everywhere.

Dr Cox wasn't exactly
super-psyched about me being

his daughter's godfather.

Jordan, here are some things
I'd rather see happen

than dinkus over there
becoming the godfather.

A nuclear war, a sequel to Hope Floats,
Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar...

Yeah, yeah, funny long list. We get it.

- You need a new thing, big guy.
- Oh.

Sweetie, why would I get rid of him
as godfather

when you keep letting me know
how much it bothers you?

It's like he's never met you.

- Right?
- And I love Hope Floats.

Anyone that's going to
the christening...

Not you.

It's at the hospital chapel.

And then Jordan pushed
Dr Cox over the edge

by calling their daughter,
little Jennifer Dylan, this.

Okay, come on, J.D.

- Dr Cox.
- Leave.

Yes.

That goes for everyone.

All living things.

This might not blow over.

Gotta hurt someone.

It's amazing how some couples
are so close

that they can finish
each other's sentences.

So, there we were,
hottest day of the year...

At the beach and we're both
wearing jeans. Isn't that crazy?

- Guess who we run into?
- Also in jeans.

It was Dr J, Kim, and unless you want
to hear about this for the next hour,

please change the subject.

Okay, my lease is up on
my apartment in Washington,

and my OB said that
my mucus plug is holding firm,

and that's all I've got.

Why don't you just give up that
apartment? You said it's so small.

Plus, I think it'd be fun if the baby
was around here for a few months.

Okay, I'll give it up.

Incidentally, that's not the first time
she's said that today,

if you know what I'm talking about.

- I know what you're talkin' about.
- I hit it and I hit it good.

- Yes, you did.
- Rowdy-style.

We have to look out for that belly.
It's dangerous.

Listen, I have a video that you might be
a little interested in watching.

- Are you sure I would?
- Welcome to my world.

- Tell me about it.
- Okay, so it starts...

Babe, I like this tuxedo more
than the one you picked out.

Yeah, it looks really great, Keith,

you know, if you plan on sawing me
in half at the altar and yelling,

"Abracadabra. "

But it's comfortable.

You think that I'm gonna be
comfortable in my five-inch heels

and my rib-crushing corset
and my nipple tape?

There will be no poppers
in my wedding photos, Keith.

Look, you have to remember
this is probably the only time

that all of our closest friends
and our family

are gonna be all together
in the same room.

So this wedding really isn't about us,
okay?

- Okay.
- It's about me!

Now, come on, focus.

There's no "U" in wedding, huh?

This is Mr Cole.
He's in a persistent vegetative state

and was admitted with
community-acquired pneumonia.

It's most likely related to aspiration
given his prior phrenic nerve paralysis.

- His doctor's creepy.
- That's his wife.

Right, right.

Men, I've gathered the brain trust

because I have been invited
to Blonde Doctor's wedding.

Now, none of you guys should feel bad
because you weren't invited.

It doesn't mean she doesn't like you.

It just means that you're not
one of her favourite 385 people.

- I couldn't make it anyway.
- You gotta have a cutoff somewhere.

Now, what I need from you is gift ideas.
Impress me.

You could check their registry
and get her some nice linens.

Or I could check the boring
and get her some boring boring.

What the hell does that mean?

Oh, you know what I got my mom
that she really loved?

That weird birth-control thing
that they sew under your arm skin.

Okay, highly disturbing,
but you're thinking outside the box.

Oh, yeah!

What's going on, guys?

I didn't get beeped
on my special brain trust pager.

This is awkward.

Look, Doug, I'm only comfortable
with a three-man brain trust,

and right now I'm giving
Lloyd here a tryout.

I'm gonna have to ask
for the pager back.

Thanks, kid.

You can still come to the picnic.

There you go, Lloyd.
There's your pager.

Your idea?

There's this amazing house
on my delivery route

with all kinds of valuable stuff
and no alarm.

- We could rob it.
- I'm gonna need that back.

Hold on to this for a little while.

So, it turns out my hospital in Tacoma

won't grant me more than
a six-week leave of absence.

So, just look for a job here.

I'd love to have my kid in the same city.

Plus, Kelso hates the urologist
he hired to replace you.

Are you sure?

Hey, I love being
the new urologist here,

but I'm having some trouble
with my peers.

Get it, "pee-ers"?

God, I hate you.

I'm pretty sure.

All right, I'll check it out.

Raj, Rerun.

Okay, Tina,

here is what I am prepared to offer you
to relinquish the post of godfather...

Not interested.

Effective immediately,
I will stop calling you girls' names.

You interested now?

I'm still here, aren't I?

Be strong, you can get more.

Good thinking.

What else you got, Per-Per?

I'll give you my real pager number.

I'll be able to page him 24l7!

- No deal.
- What are you doing?

Put a cherry on top.

One hug.

Per week.

- Decade.
- Month.

- Year.
- Done.

You're welcome.

And then, as I was about to close
the deal of the century, it hit me.

Wait a minute.

If I agree to that,
I only get that stuff until you retire,

but if I'm godfather,
I'm in your life forever.

I'll see you at the christening.

I think this time,
I'm actually gonna kill him.

Yup, this is the one.

Babe, should the valets at our
reception wear green or red vests?

Doesn't matter.
Why didn't you just pick one?

Because I want every detail
of our wedding

to be exactly the way you want it.

I have never loved you more than
I do at this moment.

And I want them to wear green.
Forest, not lime.

Got it.

How did you get him to be like that?

Did you do that thing all guys want us
to do but we swore we'd never do?

I didn't have to. He just loves me.

Why, did you?

I'm saving that bullet for
a diamond tennis bracelet.

By the way, Frank's breathing was
laboured, so I suctioned his airway.

Mrs Cole, I have to say,
I am blown away

by how you're taking care
of your husband,

especially after two years.

Is it hard to make yourself
do it every day?

No.

We were married 19 years
before his accident.

You're getting married,
you understand that kind of love.

Sorry, my husband has
a little eye gunk.

Okay, I've got something
we can't give her permanently,

but I can guarantee she'll enjoy it
while she has her hands on it.

No!

Preemptive strike on the sex joke.

Take a time-out.

What about a nice tour
in the wine country?

Oh, Doug, now you're just
embarrassing yourself.

I still don't know what I did.

You're old news, bro.

Just go.

Okay, maybe I didn't
make myself clear.

I don't want to give Blonde Doctor
just a "thing," you know?

I wanted her married life
to be full of joy.

I want to give her happiness.

Well, that's not really up to us.

It's up to him.

We can't control
what kind of husband he'll be.

Lloyd, give me those glasses.

Say that again, exactly the same way.

We can't control
what kind of husband he'll be.

Or can we?

Dorian,

tell your baby mama
she can have her job back.

By the way, I think it's hilarious
that you trust her again.

I know, sir, I got your e-mail.

Well, I'm off to my thinking spot

to put the finishing touches
on my "goddad" speech.

A word of advice,

bring your hankies.

You can't do this to me.

Perry, I didn't do this to torture you.

I asked Nancy No-chin
to be the godfather

because I know deep down
you really care about him

and you know that he would be an
excellent godfather for our little girl.

I'll do anything.

Here's what I want.
When I buy matching outfits,

you and Jack, you have to wear them.

And I get to go on one movie date

with the maitre d' at that
new Italian restaurant we go to.

And no asking "What happened?"
after I go.

Done. May I go now?

Yeah.

Let's see,
what rhymes with "baptism"?

Faptism, raptism, naptism.

I'm so tired I could use a naptism.

And there's my opening joke.

I should write down "pause for laugh,"
so I don't forget to.

You, you're out as godfather!

How did he find my thinking spot?

I can't believe who they picked to be
the new godfather.

Look at him over there,
all smug and cocky.

Doody!

Doody to you, sir.

Is that blood on your scrubs?

Yeah, I just got out of surgery!

What, you gonna get all up in Jesus'
face 'cause he don't have his shirt on?

Perry, we forgot to pick out
a godmother.

Who wants to be the godmother?

Put your hand down.

Carla, would you do the honours?

Yes.

- Oh, that's bull...
- Shhh!

- Rabbi?
- Father.

Don't care. Hit it.

When we think of baptism,
we think of commitment.

For when a couple decides to bring

a child into the world
or share their lives together...

It's amazing how quickly
panic can set in.

Like panic over whether or not
you love your fiance enough.

I've got some gunk in my eye.

Can you get it out for me?

Or panic over suddenly
finding yourself in too deep.

Look at them.

Mom, dad and baby.

That's gonna be us.

Look, Jen, if you need any legal help
concerning your accident,

you can talk to Jim,

who is a very successful,
esteemed bulldog of a lawyer.

Or you can talk to Ted, who, well...

My mom calls me "Thunder. "

I'll go with the less shiny one.

Tough break, Thunder.

You're not my mom, Jim!

You're not my mom!

Okay...

Sorry, Kim,
I know I said I'd come straight home,

but I got stuck covering a shift.

Oh, no problem. I'll wait up for you.

And you know that half glass of wine

my doctor says I'm allowed
every night?

I'm gonna hold off until you get here
because it makes me super randy.

Can't wait.

I really didn't have to cover a shift.

I just needed some time alone.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Hiding from my significant other
due to a massive panic attack

over the life-altering commitment
I'm about to make.

- You?
- Same.

I told Keith that I was working tonight.

He already went home.

Good night.

Actually, your night's just begun.

I'm getting married in a week.

A week!

I mean, what was I thinking
being engaged for two months?

My mom was engaged for three years.

She had time to soul-search,

to figure out if this was right,

to sail around the world with
an insatiable Pakistani oil baron.

Why was I in such a hurry?

Oh, wait, I'll answer that for you.

Because I'm the biggest idiot
in the whole entire world.

Really, Elliot, the biggest?

Because a few weeks ago,
I got back together with a woman

who lied to me
about being pregnant with my child.

You should also note that even though

I promised myself
I was gonna take it slow,

I convinced her to give up
her apartment,

quit her job, move in with me
and start workin' here.

Why?

I don't know. I'm just realising right now
that I did all that.

I just wish there was a test I could take
to tell me if I'm doing the right thing.

I mean, look at Turk and Carla.

They're so meant to be together.

You spend one minute with them
and you know that.

They just have this amazing
give and take.

Don't you love this tennis bracelet?

That was awesome.

I'm going through the same thing you
are, except I'm also having a baby.

So, imagine your situation
multiplied by...

What's a fair number,
a hundred billion?

Why is it so important to you that
your freak-out is bigger than mine?

I'm a story-topper, Elliot.

You know that about me.

When I was a kid, I had a friend
like that who drove me crazy.

When I was a kid,
I also had a friend like that,

except he snapped and started playing

"hide the peanut butter"
with my dog, Whiskers.

You, my friend,
have just been story-topped.

I will kill you.

How am I supposed to handle
a relationship

and a kid at the same time?

I don't know. Dr Cox and Jordan
are totally dysfunctional,

but they seem to make it work.

Wow, you guys look great!

I'm gonna get the photographer.

Jordan, I hate this!

Why?

I would think an arrogant ass like you
would love having his very own clone.

Up yours, Bobbo.

Yeah, up yours, Bobbo.

Outstanding.

Come.

Okay, Incredibly Handsome Guy,
you're about to marry Blonde Doctor.

My gift to her is to train you
to be a good husband.

Well, I think I'm okay.

Really? Would you know what to do
if she suddenly woke up

and couldn't use vowels?

That's ridiculous.

Is that what you're gonna say

when she looks at you with those big
blue eyes and cries out, "Tspwklmtsk"?

Look, if I learnt one thing
from my parents,

it's this. The key to a good marriage
is keeping your emotions bottled up

until they finally explode
and you have to lash out physically.

You mean, beat each other up?

I mean beat yourself up.

My mother once snapped
her own index finger

because my father was late for church.

She dented the car,
he threw himself down the stairs.

Boys, anything?

Whatever you do, don't go bald!

Lloyd, anything?

Yeah, I'm still not sure who Elliot is.

Oh, come on, this guy sucks!

The thing that freaked me out was

watching this woman wipe eye gunk
off her brain-dead husband.

I mean, I don't think I could spend
two years wiping eye gunk

off Keith's brain-dead face.

Elliot, they were married for,
like, 20 years

before that guy was in a coma.

I'm sure once you and Keith
have that much time together

you'll feel differently.

Still, maybe we're freaking out
about nothing, you know?

Maybe we are with the right people.

Really?

I know last night
Kim and I had a moment

that made me think we were perfect
for each other.

This salad has beets.

Do you like beets?

I hate beets.

- Me, too.
- You do?

We're both beet haters.

You know, people are so passionate
about beets that...

J. D! J. D!

A mutual hatred of beets isn't enough
to base a relationship on.

I know, Elliot,
but you interrupted my flashback.

After the beets conversation,
I confided in Kim

that I was really scared about

being a doctor and being a dad
at the same time,

because both of those things require
you to throw all of yourself into them.

And she was amazing.

She really calmed me down
and made me feel good about it.

Oh.

Plus, we both really hate beets.

You know, Keith is pretty incredible.

I've never felt this loved
in my entire life.

Let's face it,
Keith would walk through fire for me.

Yeah, I'm not walking through fire
to prove my love to Elliot.

I find that a little suspect.

Still, I suppose we could switch
to some role-playing.

Here's the scenario.

You have just come home
from work late,

Blonde Doctor made your dinner,

and she is angry
because you didn't call ahead.

Plus, you have brought along
with you Lance,

your gay ultimate Frisbee buddy,
played by Todd.

I should probably take my pants off.

No, wait for your cue.

And Ted,
you'll be playing Blonde Doctor.

Get into character.

Okay, falling in love with you,

long blonde hair, talking very fast,
talking very fast, "frick-frick. "

Okay, I'm ready.

Good. Okay, ready and... action!

Todd, did you hear a cue?

- It's just...
- That is it.

Look, the only person
I have to prove my love to is Elliot,

and I plan on doing that every day
for the rest of my life.

We're done here.

Should we go get him?

No, you heard what he just said.

He's gonna be a great husband,
and you know why?

Because we got him there.

Way to go, brain trust. Hands in.

Not you, Lloyd. You're out.

I figured.

- One, two, three, brain trust!
- Brain trust!

Why are you wearing scrubs?

I haven't seen you in those in,
like, two years.

I didn't want to get
my christening dress wrinkly.

These are all I had in my locker.

I like you in scrubs.

It reminds me of when we used to date.

That was a disaster.

All of it?

No.

You ever think maybe
we're perfect for each other,

we just have the same fatal flaw?

You mean that whenever we get
too close to a commitment

we totally freak out and try to escape?

That's what we've been doing here
all night, right?

Besides, I've thought about it
and there is no escaping this one.

The gifts are all here,
people have bought plane tickets...

I'm gettin' married.

I've reached the point of no return.

You and me both.

I mean, to get out of this,
I'd have to do something huge.

I'd have to go nuclear.

So there we were.

Together...

But not together.

And, as always,

not knowing what the hell
we were doing.

Hey.

Hey.