Original subtitles

I don't get it, sir. Why do our doctors have to

put up pictures of themselves in their patients' rooms?

Because, Ted, not only does it make our doctors more accountable,

but a recent AMA study showed that it helps our patients

feel a much closer bond with their physicians.

Plus, who wouldn't want this young buck at their bedside?

That picture's so old the beaches are still segregated.

Look, there's us way in the back.

Doesn't that bother you?

Good God, I'm stunning.

Besides, have you seen everyone else's picture?

Turk!

Baby, ain't nobody looking at you.

Where was that taken?

Sears. Do you want a copy?

Dr Cox and I were both taking care of Private Dancer.

See, I went with a younger picture 'cause I like the father-son motif.

That is taken seconds after I won

the watermelon seed spitting contest at my theatre camp.

Probably my happiest day as a teenager.

That is both very sad and not the least bit shocking.

So, Brian, since you're finally getting discharged,

we all wanted to come say goodbye.

What's next for you, man?

I'm going back in the Army.

I know it's gonna take a lot of physical therapy,

but that's where I belong, you know?

All the best there, soldier boy.

Brian cared about one goodbye more than others.

Hey, would you sign this?

I promise you, I'll put that up in the barracks.

So, you want me to start with how I still can't walk normally

and then segue into an anecdote

about how you played my tush like a bongo

until I cried out in pleasurelpain?

- Sorry? - Your army buddies are gonna see it

I assume you want it filthy.

No, filthy's cool.

Private Dancer, more like "Private Man-sure. "

As in, "Man, he sure has a positive outlook on life. " Right?

Carla, you rascal,

I can't help but notice you love making jokes.

What the devil was that

you were saying earlier about your coffee?

I said it's so good it's like crack.

I'm telling you guys, it really is.

You would hear crickets chirping,

but they were too uncomfortable about just how unfunny that actually was.

So, what, I'm not funny?

Well, I think you are very funny

when you're being sarcastic or you're up on your high horse.

You know, as long as you stay right in your wheelhouse.

And it's no different for any of us.

Barbie is funniest when she's an anal-retentive train wreck,

your husband sells it with a cocky attitude.

Well, you know, I do what I do when I do what I do.

The Janitor is amusing because, quite frankly, he's insane...

I made shoes for my rabbit.

And Alice here, well, she can turn a phrase.

I assume that because I just called you Alice,

that you are now fantasizing about me being the maid in The Brady Bunch.

Am I right?

He was.

Now, sadly, some people just aren't funny,

but they've got funny names.

For example, Dr Beardface, Dr Mickhead, Colonel Doctor,

and Snoop Dogg Intern.

- Hey, hey! - My bad, Snoop Dogg Resident.

The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God,

which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.

- I am? - Yes.

And me? Well, I'm funny because I commit.

C- O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-

T.

I also do funny rants.

To tell you the truth, there's really only one guy

in this entire dump who is funny, no matter what he says.

Holy Hell, are my new boxers made of wool?

'Cause my weasel's getting heatstroke.

The point is, please,

don't tell any more jokes.

I'm not a sad sack, am I?

Ted, your pen exploded.

Bitches, leave!

It's go time.

No, no, no, no, no. We're playing "guess the movie quote. "

That was from RoboCop.

It's my turn,

"I could have gotten more out. "

Schindler's List.

I took my college girlfriend, Stacy Blue, to see that on our first date.

I cried, she didn't.

Always thought that was weird.

I remember Stacy.

Of course you do, Turk.

You banged her while I was in Theology.

For the 100th time, nothing happened!

We had a water-balloon fight, got wet and took our clothes off.

You walked in and thought the worst.

There were no water balloons.

I looked, no balloons. You know what? I'm tired of this story.

I have Stacy's number on my phone.

I'm gonna call her, we'll clear it up once and for all.

Call her.

Hi, Mrs Blue?

Hi, it's Dr John Dorian.

I dated your beautiful daughter Stacy when we were in college...

She's dead?

She fell asleep in the pool?

Oh, my God.

Incidentally, did she ever mention

banging a black guy when she was in college?

Had a high-top fade like Kid 'n Play?

Kid 'n Play! You know, they were a rap group.

Your dead daughter loved them.

Hello?

Real smooth.

You know what, Turk?

I wouldn't mess with me on watermelon day.

I just changed my shirt.

My chicken!

J.D., come on, let's go.

Where'd you get that fish?

Mr Roth owns a pet store.

He's so psyched to be in remission, he got all the doctors

who helped him out pets as a thank you.

Who else worked on that case?

Snoop Dogg Resident.

My 'hos are gonna love this.

Hey, why are you checking Private Dancer's blood sugar?

He's being discharged.

Not yet he isn't.

They had just found him unconscious.

Could you hold this?

- Oh, damn. - What?

I don't know if it's old age that's slowing me down

or maybe all that blood I lost last night fighting that hobo, but I just blew that.

I should have said,

"You think my job is so unimportant

"that I can stand around all day holding a fish?"

I can't have you all mopey tonight when we're out clubbing.

It'll throw me off my game.

Fine. I'll wait here, I'll do this thing right.

Okay.

Well, he gave us quite a scare, but he's stable and breathing now.

- What happened? - I'm hoping one of you will figure it out.

He is low on MS Contin.

He's on so many meds, he might have mixed his prescriptions up.

He'll regain consciousness soon. I'm gonna wait it out.

- I will, too. - Keith's out of town, I can stay.

And so can we.

No, we can't!

Baby, remember, we're supposed to renew

our relations tonight for the first time since Izzy was born.

Well, I guess the only thing you're gonna renew tonight

is your driver's licence. Hello!

- Wow. - I'm funny, damn it.

Maybe you not being able to have sex tonight

is karmic payback for having sex with Stacy.

- J.D., drop it. - What happened that night?

This is how I remember it.

I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard,

"Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys. "

So, I opened the door and I see you and Stacy.

So I said, "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep

"you're gonna be crapping out Keds for a week. "

Then you said, "Chill out, dawg.

"You know you're my boyeeeee. This ain't be what it looks like, a'ight?"

But it wasn't "a'ight," was it Turk?

This is what really happened.

Stacy and I were waiting for you to come back from class,

and she said, "Hey, we should have a water-balloon fight!"

We got all wet from the water balloons and Stacy was like, "I'm cold.

"Let's take off all our clothes and get under the covers and warm up. "

Then you came back from your class and you heard Stacy say,

"Oh, my God, it's true what they say about black guys. "

Then you came in and said, "Hey, guys. "

"Calm down, J.D. This isn't what it looks like. "

Then I said, "All right?"

Nothing happened, so drop it.

No balloons, and we didn't even have a basketball!

What the hell?

Who changed my picture?

It better not be like this in all the other rooms, I tell you...

Hey, jerk. You think I've got nothing better to...

Sorry, wrong jerk.

Dorian, taking forever in there, I should just...

I'm gonna smash it.

He knows I'm gonna smash it.

He wants me to smash it.

He wants to prove that I can't not smash it.

It's a head game.

You're never gonna win a head game with me, Dorian, never!

Never!

No, Turk. I know that face. Don't you dare make a foofie.

Baby, I had a big old lunch, now I got the downtown pushdowns.

No.

- Can I just have a little one? - No.

Oh, my God, you think farts are funny, too?

- We can't let them know. - No, no, not that... That.

I changed his picture.

He says I can't make jokes, but that's funny, right?

Not really. I mean, those pictures are there to reassure the patients.

I can't believe this.

My picture has been changed in every single room.

I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed,

I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry.

"Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome. "

Why would anyone do this to me?

It's a mystery is what it is.

I'm never surprised by what people will do,

or for that matter,

who they will do.

I'm outta here!

Bathroom break.

Turk, don't go.

You're right there listening to my every move, aren't you?

A small child vomited downstairs.

It smells like pickles and milk, sort of like one of Enid's burps.

Consider it a chance for you to prove yourself.

Yes, sir! In fact, wait up,

let's walk together, I'll tell you about my favourite stain.

Let's turn this corner...

Oh, you're good.

Guys, I think I figured out what happened to Brian.

This letter from the Army says

his injuries are too severe to let him back into the service.

The Army is his life.

He didn't take too many pills by accident.

He was trying to commit suicide.

We can't discharge him. We've got to get him with one of the shrinks.

The only way we can make him stay here

is if he admits that he did it.

Yeah, well, I didn't do it.

Oh, it's like you said earlier,

I must have mixed up my prescriptions and taken too many of one.

How long have you been awake?

Long enough to know that you need to fart and Carla's not funny.

And J.D.'s imitation of a black guy is really racist.

He be trippin'.

Brian, this is just a setback.

You can't let it take you to such a bad place.

I'm not in a bad place,

but if I were, it would be understandable, right,

'cause what the hell do I have to live for?

I mean, the only thing waiting for me in my crappy apartment is

this little disability check to remind me that the only place that I ever felt

like I really belonged doesn't want me any more.

But not to worry,

I'm sure there's a huge demand out there

for a high school grad who can't sign his name

and gets confused by stuff that wouldn't faze a five-year-old.

There is no happy future for me,

so please do not tell me it's all gonna turn around.

Nobody's leaving this room until you admit to us what you did.

Why should I admit anything to you,

since you guys aren't that truthful with each other?

Sometimes to get the truth out of someone

you have to come clean yourself.

Dr Cox, I'm the one who switched your picture.

Carla!

- I slept with Stacy. - I knew it!

Of course, some admissions you don't see coming.

I once tried to kill myself.

After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide,

I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.

Was it because I broke up with you?

No, J.D.

Oh, good, good, good, good.

I'm not even sure why I did it.

I guess things just catch up with you, you know, you get lonely,

you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...

An amazing guy breaks up with you.

J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!

- So, how'd you try it? - Brian!

- Please, you're dying to know. - No, I am not. When Elliot...

Carla, it's fine.

I was all into poetry back then, you know,

Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf. I know, shocker.

Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but

that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot,

I need to pee and I was not about to be found

lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again, not after the prom fiasco.

If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself,

I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here.

So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf,

I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself.

Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...

Whoa, why would you wear a bikini?

Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car.

That story informs this one,

but I'm not going to tell it.

Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake

and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know,

floating around, waiting to get tired and then...

Bam, bam, bam, bam!

I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by

and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.

Oh, no, Turk, I know that look.

Don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.

But, baby, the pressure's building.

No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.

Oh, no, I have to pee.

Come on, fight it, man, think about something else.

Take your mind off it.

Here we go.

It passed.

And that's a big bowl of swishy liquid. Damn it!

Look, Elliot, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but none of you guys have any idea

what it's like to feel this hopeless in your life.

You know, other than J.D.

Yeah. That's right.

Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?

Brian, I know exactly how you're feeling.

You should have seen me when I was dealing with postpartum depression.

I just wanted out.

I'm so glad that I didn't do anything

because I got on anti-depressants and now I don't feel that way.

That's right, and my baby being happy

is worth all the vaginal dryness in the world.

And none of us would ever look at Carla the same way again.

How long can he stay in there?

I haven't eaten anything since I stole that hobo's pecan pie.

Come on, buddy, get it together.

How're you doing? The name's Roger Dorsey.

Well, that's not real. I'm starting to lose it.

How do you know I'm not real?

Well, for one thing, you're just using my voice,

only slightly higher, like this, "How you doing, buddy?"

Oh, yeah? Well, if I wasn't real, could I hit this note?

That was lovely.

Look, man, we all have those bleak moments

where we swear we'll never bounce back.

Like when I was 17, my mom walked in my room

with a look that I had never seen.

And she said, "It's over, Turk.

"Michael Jordan's career is over. "

Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?

Is he the black golfer?

My point is we don't know what the future holds.

Yeah, well I know what my future holds if I hold this fart in any longer.

I wonder what would happen.

Fine, let me move out of the way.

All right, everybody clear back.

If only I had a saddle, I could have ridden you.

I've never seen them live. Are they good?

If you're wondering why I'm wearing these,

it's partly because at the Kelso family Christmas

we all pick one name out of a hat to buy a gift for and I was lucky enough

to be chosen by my son Harrison's new life partner, Ray-Ray.

The other reason is that my work shoes

are coated in the toddler vomit I told you to clean up earlier.

Now, are you going to get on it or am I docking your pay?

You do what you have to do, sir.

Roger Dorsey and I are seeing this thing to the finish.

Roger Dorsey was my squad leader in Vietnam.

He died in my arms.

Tell Bob I love him.

Guys, it's been really great sharing, really, but I've got to get dressed.

You win, I see your point.

Here is the name of a really good therapist.

Look, I know. You think I owe it to myself...

Please, who cares about you?

Never mind the fact that we've been busting our asses

trying to take care of you every day for the last three weeks.

I mean, for God's sake,

if I'd known back then that you were just going to go ahead

and give up, I'd have saved myself the huge hassle,

smothered you with a pillow

and spent all my extra time catching up on Newbie's pathetic blog.

Oh, my God, he referenced me in a tough love speech!

Stop smiling.

So, no, Brian, no. You don't owe anything to yourself, but

you damn sure owe each one of us.

Fine.

I'll call him.

Hand cramp!

You think that's funny, making me kill a helpless little animal?

If you didn't want to hold it for me you could've put it on the counter.

Me?

No, you, you were... I tried... I had to...

Ray-Ray, I started a...

So cold...

Roger?

Rog, stay with me, buddy.

This isn't Nam. Go get me some water.

Knowing Brian had turned a corner

allowed us to get back to our own pressing issues.

I can't believe you're pissed about Stacy.

If I could go back in time and un-sleep with her, I would.

Well, unfortunately, she's dead, Turk. Congratulations, you win again.

I don't care what you say.

I'm as funny as anybody else in this place.

That was actually pretty good.

Hey, Brian, wait up.

You accidentally left that shrink's phone number

in your room's trash can.

Oh, oops!

Okay, you gotta stop finding all my notes.

You know what really helped me when I went through this?

Elliot, you didn't go through this.

You went for a leisurely afternoon drown

and you got hit in the face with a paddle.

I spent my entire childhood as an awkward, lonely outcast

with a floozy mom who liked to talk about how fat I was.

I had zero self-esteem

and I struggled with that for years, I still do.

But the only difference between the two of us

is I was smart enough to know that it's never too late to come back from.

I can't be what I used to be.

I don't even know that guy,

I know this guy and I like him.

All right, let me ask you something.

If I keep working on my rehab, right?

I get my act together,

you think someone like you could go for someone like me?

Yeah.

If you're ever single,

I'm looking you up.

I hope you do.