Original subtitles

[ skateboard scraping ]

[ crowd cheering ]

announcer: AND THE 1983 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.

THE 3-2 PITCH...

[ bat hits ball ]

BY THE LEFT FIELDER!

IT IS OVER HERE!

HOMERUN!

OWLZ WIN!

OWLZ WIN!

man: THERE'S STRONG, THEN THERE'S OREM STRONG.

OREM A&M UNIVERSITY,

AN INSTITUTION OF THE AGES.

A HISTORY OF BASEBALL,

WHERE LEGENDS ARE BORN,

AND HEROES ARE MADE.

A SCHOOL WHERE STRENGTH IS MEASURED BY THAT HISTORY.

BASEBALL,

BASEBALL,

BASE...

BALL.

[ announcer commenting ]

AND THE OWLZ HAVE WON THEIR FOURTH NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

[ man's voice whispering and echoing ]

IF YOU BUILD, HE WILL COME.

[ speaking in Vietnamese ]

UH-HUH.

[ speaking in Vietnamese ]

...FRANK BENDER.

AH, YEAH.

ANYWAY, AFTER YOU CHECK IN,

YOU'RE GONNA MEET PRESIDENT PRATT,

AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU TO MEET MY DAD, COACH DESHIELDS.

[ trying to speak Vietnamese ]

OH, MANAGER LOU BROWN.

FORGET THE CURVEBALL, RICKY. GIVE HIM THE HEATER.

AND YOU ARE GONNA BE SLEEPING IN THE TEAM HOUSE.

[ tries speaking in Vietnamese again ]

OH, DUNG.

HE UNDERSTOOD THAT.

[ all chanting and cheering ]

AWW!

COULD YOU PLEASE,

COULD YOU PLEASE THROW THE BALL BACK?

THROW THE BALL BACK.

COME ON, SWEETIE.

COME ON. THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.

LOOK AT THAT ONE, THAT ONE THERE.

SEE, THAT WAS EVEN CLOSER.

YOU WANT THE BALL?

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?

YES.

STAND UP? YES.

OKAY.

DO I HAVE TO BEG?

OH, MY GOD.

YES!

YES!

YES!

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

[ talking and partying loudly ]

OKAY, YOUR GREAT ALL-AMERICAN CATCHER IS RIGHT IN THERE.

[ pool party getting louder ]

GAME ON, BUDDY.

NICE SUIT, JACKIE CHAN.

[ guys having loud conversation in background ]

*

[ guys arguing and cursing at each other ]

THERE'S ONE SIDE OF THE POLE,

AND THERE'S THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POLE.

THE BALL CAME THIS WAY.

TOTAL BULLSHIT.

FUCKING FOUL BALL.

CAN YOU SEE THE GODDAMN POLE?

YEAH, IT'S ARCED THIS WAY...

[ guys still arguing and cursing ]

FUCK YOU.

PENDEJO... [ talking in Spanish ]

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHO'S MY NEXT BITCH-ASS VICTIM?

VICTIM?

BRING ME THAT BAT, FOOL.

NOW, DON'T BRING ANY OF THAT SPASTIC SHIT IN HERE, BRO, OKAY?

LOOK, MAN, I'M GONNA SEND YOU AND YOUR SNAKE-LOVING ASS

BACK TO FLORIDA.

I'M FROM EGYPT, YOU MONKEY.

OH, YEAH, I WAS BORN IN AFRICA, TOO,

BUT DOES THAT MAKE US AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

LET'S GO.

[ speaking in Spanish ]

OH, HEY.

GODDAMN IT, ZELLMAN.

NO ONE CAN TELL WHERE YOU'RE THROWING.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

FUCK THIS.

LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY SPILLED THE MILKY.

AND SHIT THE BED.

ENOUGH OF YOUR GAMES, BRO, LET'S GO.

others: OH, NO.

YOU THROW THAT SHIT AT ME?

YOU CAN'T THROW THAT SHIT AT ME, BRO.

CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.

NO!

BETTER RUN, ZELLMAN, BEFORE HE KICKS YOUR ASS.

HE CAN CONTROL IT. I KNOW YOU CAN CONTROL IT!

HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY! STOP!

STOP! HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY.

OOH, WHY DON'T YOU GO BLOW YOUR SNAKE?

HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY!

HE CAN CONTROL THAT SHIT! YOU CAN CONTROL THAT SHIT!

HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY!

HE'S GOING TO HAVE THIS BAT...

YOU DON'T BRING THAT SHIT AT ME, BRO!

COME ON!

I'M GOING TO BEAT THE CRAPPER OUT OF YOU!

AH, YEAH, CHILL OUT DUDE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, PUT ME ON THE DISABLED LIST?

OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S IT!

DUDE, COME HERE, COME HERE. HURRY UP.

DAMN IT. HE'S GOT THE SPRAY PAINT AGAIN.

AH! I AM GOING TO DESTROY THIS PLACE!

CRASH DAVIS?

WHAT?

JAKE TAYLOR? HAM HOLDER? LOU BAKER?

WHAT ARE YOU, A RECRUIT?

I THINK HE'S IN THERE, CHIEF.

YOU GUYS, HOLD HIM DOWN, HOLD HIM DOWN.

JUST RELAX.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, DUDE, DUDE.

DON'T GO IN THERE.

YOU DEFINITELY DON'T WANNA GO IN THERE.

THAT'S WHERE YOU WANNA GO.

OKAY.

THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.

[ flies buzzing ]

*

[ toilet flushes ]

*

DAMN IT, CHASTITY, A CATCHER NEVER TAKES OFF HIS CUP.

CHASTITY, A CATCHER NEVER TAKES OFF HIS CUP--

UGH.

I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE THE GUY, OH...

YOU'RE THE GUY GUY.

OKAY.

SURE GLAD WE GOT YOU LAMBDA BOYS TO WRITE THESE PAPERS FOR US.

IT'S THE ONLY THING KEEPING OUR TEAM G.P.A HIGH ENOUGH

TO EVEN STAY IN SCHOOL.

[ yawning loudly ]

CHASTITY AND BETTY JANE.

WE CALL CHASTITY "HOMEWORK" BECAUSE WE ALL DO...

WELL, YOU GET IT.

HERE'S THE CASH AND SEVEN PLAYER TICKETS FOR TONIGHT'S GAME.

GET THERE EARLY.

MAKE SURE YOU GET YOURSELF A GOOD SEAT.

THROW AT SHARIF AGAIN?

OH, LOSE YOUR CUP AGAIN?

NO, SHE'S STILL INSIDE.

HEY, DID THE RECRUIT FIND YOU?

WHAT RECRUIT?

FUCK.

HEY, THERE.

YOU'RE THE RECRUIT. OKAY.

SO, THAT WAS JUST A FUN RECRUIT-HAZING THING

THAT WE LIKE TO DO.

HOW YA DOIN'? FRANK BENDER.

[ gong sound]

UM, SO...

IS THIS YOUR SCHEDULE? HUH?

YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.

OH...IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE A PITCHER.

THAT'S GOOD.

WE NEED A NUMBER ONE TO REPLACE ZELLMAN NEXT YEAR.

SO...

HOW GOOD ARE YOU?

YOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH, DO YOU?

AWESOME.

NO, LAST WEEKEND OF THE SEASON

AND I GET THE GUY THAT I CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH.

PERFECT.

OF COURSE, SCHOOL DOESN'T ACCEPT ANY OF OUR GOOD RECRUITS ANYWAY,

SO THIS SHOULD BE FUN.

[ talking louder] SAYS HERE YOU'RE MEETING PRESIDENT PRATT

AT 11 A.M. THIS MORNING.

OH, HOW I LOVE HER.

AND, OH, HOW I LOVE YOU.

OH, LOOK, IT'S THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST.

AND HER LITTLE FLYING MONKEY BOY.

DON'T THROW YOUR POOP IN HERE, MYRON.

NICE TO MEET YOU, HAYES. PARKING LOT RIGHT OVER THERE.

HOW YOU DOING?

HOW YOU DOING?

MY MAN.

HE'S QUOTING "MAJOR LEAGUE," MR. BENDER.

IF YOU HAD...

READ YOUR RECRUIT GUIDE LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO,

YOU WOULD KNOW THAT THE ONLY ENGLISH HE KNOWS ARE QUOTES

FROM AMERICAN BASEBALL MOVIES.

[ gong ]

NICE TO SEE SOMEONE SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT

TO THE PRESIDENT OF THIS INSTITUTION.

WELL, I WOULD STAND UP, BUT

YOU JUST DON'T DO IT FOR ME, PRESIDENT PRATT.

WORKS FOR YOU, THOUGH, DOESN'T IT, SEGAL?

WANT A SACK LUNCH?

VERY CLEVER, MR. BENDER, BUT THE SIMPLE FACT IS

YOU ARE THE HOST OF MR. PHAN QUAN,

OUR TOP RECRUIT THIS YEAR.

[ snaps ]

QUAN'S FATHER PLAYED ON THE '83 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM.

HE'S FROM SAIGON.

QUAN CHI PROVINCE-- I FIGURED THAT OUT BY WATCHING HIS SUBMISSION VIDEO.

HIS DIALECT IS DERIVATIVE OF THAT AREA.

UM, HE WAS MVP OF HIS LEAGUE.

AND LAST YEAR, HE HAD A .023 ERA.

ERA?

GOOD ONE, MORON, MYRON.

I BET HE LIKES LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH,

EATS A LOT OF NOODLES, AND WINDS DOWN THE NIGHT WITH A GOOD SODUKU PUZZLE.

AM I RIGHT?

UNLIKE YOU, HE BRINGS A MUCH-NEEDED LEVEL OF CLASS,

SOPHISTICATION, AND INTEGRITY TO THIS PROGRAM.

SOMETHING WE HAVEN'T HAD HERE IN A VERY LONG TIME.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER NOTICED WHAT LONG FINGERS YOU HAVE.

IN YOUR WORLD, WHAT DO THEY CONSIDER THAT?

IS THAT WELL-HUNG?

IS THAT LESBIAN HUMOR?

IMPRESSIVELY ORIGINAL, I SUPPOSE.

BUT AS YOU KNOW, I DO HAVE DAUGHTERS, PROVING OTHERWISE.

YES, I DO KNOW YOUR DAUGHTERS.

LOVELY, UPSTANDING, GOD-FEARING, CLASSY WOMEN.

WE MET IN BIBLE STUDY.

WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S NOT SO LOVELY:

YOUR TEAM THIS YEAR HAS COMPLAINTS FROM NUMEROUS

ORGANIZATIONS AND PERSONS AROUND CAMPUS,

INCLUDING PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS,

DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY, AND LEWD BEHAVIOR.

[ chuckles ] JUST WAIT UNTIL THE COMPLAINTS FROM LAST NIGHT COME IN.

HUH, HUH?

YEAH, YOU DON'T EVEN GET IT.

UM, HEY, WOULD YOU MAKE SURE YOU SHOW HIM THE RECRUIT VIDEO, BY THE WAY?

WE DON'T WANT HIM GETTING THE WRONG IMPRESSION

OR ANYTHING HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ President Pratt snickering ]

OH, DON'T YOU WORRY, MR. BENDER.

WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU,

EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL ABOUT.

AND WHEN THEY DO, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU

AND YOUR LITTLE BAND OF WASHOUTS WILL BE SQUASHED...

LIMPER THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.

ALTHOUGH, IT SEEMS MY WORK MAY ALREADY BE DONE.

WELL, I'M POST-COITAL, SO THAT'S WHY THAT'S HAPPENING.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A NEW STUDENT/ALUMNI BANQUET TO PREPARE.

MYRON.

AND BENDER DRIVES ONE DEEP BACK TO THE WALL

AND OUTTA HERE.

YOU KNOW, I KNEW IT WOULD NEVER WORK OUT BETWEEN US.

AFTER ALL, I'M A LEO,

AND SHE'S A BITCH.

OKAY...I'M JUST GONNA GO GET DRESSED.

*

COME ON! COME ON!

LET'S GO!

LET'S GO!

[ deflated ] LET'S GO.

SON OF A BITCH.

WE HAVEN'T HAD ANYBODY COME OUT

TO WATCH THIS WRETCHED TEAM IN YEARS.

THEY LOST THEIR TELEVISION CONTRACT,

THEY DON'T DRAW DICK FOR ATTENDANCE,

AND THEY BRING NOTHING BUT SHAME,

BOTH TO THIS INSTITUTION AND TO ME.

YES, BUT YOU CAN'T JUST, YOU KNOW, END THE PROGRAM.

THERE'S TOO MUCH HISTORY.

HISTORY?

FUNDING THIS LOSING TEAM IS THE ONLY HISTORY, MYRON!

AND I'LL NEVER BE NAMED TO THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES WITH MY NUMBERS IN THE RED.

PRESIDENT PRATT,

the athletic recruit is still here.

[ hangs up ]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT BEING ON THE BOARD WOULD MEAN?

UH, IT WOULD GIVE YOU FULL, UNRESTRAINED, UNCHECKED CONTROL

OF EVERY BUDGET ON CAMPUS?

WE HAVEN'T WON A CHAMPIONSHIP IN OVER 20 YEARS.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN COMPETITIVE IN OUR OWN LEAGUE IN 10.

AND I ONLY GET A BONUS

FROM CLUBS AND ORGANIZATIONS WHICH BRING IN A PROFIT.

TECHNICALLY, YOU CAN'T CALL IT A BONUS.

YOU JUST TAKE THE REVENUE GENERATED BY DIFFERENT CLUBS

AND DON'T TELL ANYONE WHERE YOU GOT IT FROM.

QUAN.

DO COME IN.

NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION, MYRON.

YOU SOUND MORONIC WHEN YOU DO THAT.

KONICHIWA.

BESIDES, YOU DO THE BOOKS.

I'M SURE EVERYTHING WILL BALANCE OUT AT THE END OF THE DAY.

RIGHT?

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SHIT.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WROTE UP HIS BIO FOR THE RECRUIT GUIDE.

OWLS?

YES.

MYRON AND I LOVE QUO. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MYRON?

OH, YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIG FAN OF QUO

EVER SINCE I WAS A BOY.

MY FATHER SHOWED ME MAGNIFICENT QUO.

IT WAS A RESCUE. IT HAD ONE EYE.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT. ALWAYS BEEN A BIG FAN SINCE THEN.

QUO.

QUO.

QUO, QUO.

QUO.

UH, YOU'VE RAISED 14,000 DOLLARS FROM SIX CLUBS

THAT YOU STARTED JUST LAST MONTH.

AND SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MONEY,

I ACTUALLY HAVE NOT BEEN PAID

FOR GETTING EVERYBODY TOGETHER FOR THE WORLD RECORD CLUB,

AND WE'RE GETTING CLOSE TO 10,000 MEMBERS.

I THINK YOU SAID I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET 5 PERCENT.

AND YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN GENERATING SOME MONEY,

OR FROM WHICH I'VE BEEN GENERATING,

HAVING BEEN GENERATED--

ACTUALLY, IT WAS .05,

AND YOU SAID YOU WOULD COME UP WITH A WAY TO GET RID OF

THAT MONEY-SUCKING BASEBALL TEAM.

IS MONEY ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?

UM, WELL, THE WORLD RECORD CLUB WAS WONDERING WHAT RECORD THEY WANTED TO SET.

I WAS--

RECRUIT VIDEO.

QUO.

I HAVE A CONSTRUCTION TEAM ON STAND-BY READY TO TEAR DOWN THAT STADIUM

TO MAKE WAY FOR THE NEW, STATE-OF-THE ART

JENNINE WORMER PRATT CONVENTION CENTER.

AT THE NEW STUDENT/ALUMNI BANQUET, I WILL ANNOUNCE MY MASTER PLAN,

WHICH WILL SECURE MY SEAT ON THE BOARD.

AT 500 DOLLARS PER PARKING SPACE ALONE,

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I COULD MAKE EACH SEMESTER?

YOU'RE A PRE-LAW LITTLE RAT.

EITHER FIND ME A WAY TO GET RID OF THAT TEAM,

OR FIND A WAY TO PAY YOUR TUITION NEXT FALL.

I'm Chastity.

And I'm Betty Jane.

And we want you to come here next year.

Whoo!

man in video: Seriously, that's...

ARE THOSE YOUR DAUGHTERS?

And if you like tradition,

we've got something you're gonna love.

[ laughing ] Hold it.

Use your teeth only right now.

Go, go, guzzle, guzzle!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I'd say we take pride in that power.

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN.

NO WAY. THIS ISN'T FAIR.

IT'S JUST TEN, MILK.

MILKY, COME ON, MAN.

THE COURT HAS SPOKEN.

[ speaking in Spanish ]

SEAN "MILKY" CRONIN,

KANGAROO COURT HAS SPOKEN.

AND FOR YOUR ACT OF PURCHASING LIGHT, WATERED DOWN BEER

FOR OUR COMMUNITY GATHERING LAST EVENING--

MAKING IT MORE DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE INEBRIATION--

MAKING IT MORE DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE INEBRIATION FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED--

AND FOR BEING THE WHITEST WHITE BOY I HAVE EVER, EVER, EVER SEEN--

AND FOR BEING THE WHITEST WHITE BOY THAT MO HAS EVER, EVER, EVER SEEN,

COURT HAS REACHED A FINAL VERDICT OF TEN DOLLARS.

PUT IT IN.

[ all chanting again ]

GUYS, GUYS.

[ chanting abruptly stops ]

DID YOU FIND THEM?

I LOOKED EVERYWHERE, MAN.

NOT IN THE BATTING CAGES, NOT IN THE BULLPEN.

EVEN ASKED THE MAINTENANCE CREW. NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

DAMN IT, JOHNSON.

WE ARE FACING SIMON TODAY, A LEFTY.

HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TAKE SUCCESSFUL BP

WHEN WE DON'T HAVE A BUCKET OF LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS?

FRESHMEN.

FRESHMEN!

FRESHMEN!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

I GUESS JUST KEEP LOOKING.

MAYBE CHECK IN WITH THE GUYS IN THE PRESS BOX.

GO!

HUSTLE!

[ laughing ] HOW LONG YOU GONNA KEEP THIS GOING?

LONG ENOUGH FOR MILKY TO PUT IN HIS GODDAMN MILK MONEY.

FINE.

OKAY, WHO IS NEXT?

WHAT ABOUT YOU, PURR KITTY?

WHAT?

[ music starts ]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

* Purr kitty, purr kitty

* Wanna touch that fur, kitty

* I'm gonna rub your belly

* Please don't bite me when I do it, kitty *

THAT IS AT LEAST 15 DOLLARS. THAT'S WHAT THE HELL THAT IS.

* Without me, kitty, you'd soon be lost *

* but I nabbed you up and found you *

HEY, I MONETIZED THAT, BRO.

THAT HELPED ME PAY FOR MY BOOKS.

LIKE YOU KNOW HOW TO READ.

OKAY,

IF I AM GETTING FINED FOR THAT,

HE SHOULD BE FINED AT LEAST 25 DOLLARS

FOR THAT HUGE SOFTBALL CHICK THAT HE HOOKED UP WITH LAST NIGHT.

THAT GIRL WAS A BEAST. OH, YEAH!

ZELLMAN AND BEAST, ZELLMAN AND BEAST!

*

ZELLMAN AND BEAST!

HOLD ON, WAIT A SECOND.

THAT WAS A SLUMPBUSTER, THAT DON'T COUNT.

WHAT'S A SLUMPBUSTER?

IT'S WHEN YOU HOOK UP WITH THE UGLIEST CHICK YOU CAN FIND.

IT GETS YOU OUT OF YOUR HEAD SO YOU BREAK YOUR SLUMP.

I'M NOT EVEN FROM HERE, I KNOW WHAT A SLUMPBUSTER IS.

YEAH, I'M SURE YOU DO.

YOU CAN'T FINE ME FOR A SLUMPBUSTER.

I MEAN, I'M 1 AND 12 THIS SEASON.

I WAS TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM.

PUT IT IN.

all chanting: PUT IT IN.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

WE'RE TRYING TO FINE ZELLMAN 25 DOLLARS FOR THAT CHICK

HE WAS WITH LAST NIGHT.

I SAW THAT POOR GIRL.

SHOULD BE AT LEAST 50!

all: OH!

[ loud laughter ]

PUT IT IN.

NOW LET'S GO WARM UP BEFORE COACH D GETS PISSED.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, BOYS.

COURT ADJOURNED.

*

*

AND GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYONE.

BRANDON MARCUS AT THE HELM ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY

AS OREM A&M WILL TAKE ON RIVAL OGDEN COMMUNITY COLLEGE

IN THE FIRST OF A TWO-GAME SERIES.

OREM COMES IN WITH A PATHETIC 5 AND 51 RECORD,

AND FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE,

IT'S A DAMN GOOD THING THAT THIS SEASON'S COMING TO AN END.

I AM ONCE AGAIN JOINED HERE IN THE BOOTH BY THE

ALWAYS LOVELY, CHARMING, AND CHEERFUL CHLOE GRACE.

[ sharpening her knife ]

AFTER TOMORROW, SHE SHOULD GET THAT FINAL P.E. CREDIT

SHE NEEDS TO GRADUATE

AND GO DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT SHE DOES.

[ talking and cheering loudly ]

THERE GO YOU.

THERE GO YOU.

AND THIS ALL ME RIGHT HERE.

COACH DESHIELDS IS GOING TO TURN TO THE CONSISTENT SOUTH CLAW,

JIMMY ZELLMAN,

WHILE THE RAPTORS, WELL,

THEY'RE GONNA GO TO SAM SEAGER.

HE'S A LAST-MINUTE REPLACEMENT FOR TRAVIS SIMON,

WHO APPARENTLY NOW IS UNDER ACADEMIC PROBATION.

I GUESS THE FULL COMMUNITY COLLEGE SCHEDULE

IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HIM.

IF YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN,

I WILL STAB YOU.

OOH, I LIKE IT!

WHERE'S MY MUSTARD?

KETCHUP?

ARE Y'ALL ASKING FOR CONDIMENTS?

YES.

YOU NEED A BAT BOY TO GET YOUR CONDIMENTS, HONEY.

I BROUGHT HOT DOGS.

THAT'S YOU.

THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.

THIS IS ME RIGHT HERE.

OKAY?

GO OWLZ!

I THINK SOMEONE DROPPED THIS OFF FOR YOU.

OH, VERY NICE. SET IT RIGHT HERE, PLEASE.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOOK A STAND, DAD.

WELL, THE TIME HAS COME FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO PUT THEIR FOOT DOWN.

AND THAT FOOT IS ME.

TRY TO HIT THIS ONE, PUTO...

THE JUMPING FRIJOL.

COME ON, ROSIE.

THANKS FOR THE BREEZE! [ laughing ]

NO WONDER YOU NEVER WIN A DAMN GAME.

YOU JERKOFFS NEVER TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.

MY BAD, COACH.

OH, SHUT UP.

THIS IS THE TEAM I GOT.

HEY, THROW ME ONE INSIDE.

WATCH.

others: OH!

OH, LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!

[ players all cheering ]

WHOO, WHOO!

YEAH!

Sharif: OH, YEAH!

HOW DO THESE APPLES TASTE NOW, BABY?!

PLEASE RISE FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

TAKE YOUR HATS OFF, TAKE YOUR HATS OFF.

IT'LL BE SUNG TODAY BY GERT LALOOSH,

LAST YEAR'S FIRST RUNNER-UP OF "OREM'S GOT TALENT,"

RADIO VERSION.

[ laughing ] I CAN SEE WHY SHE WON THE RADIO VERSION.

SHE'LL BE JOINED TODAY BY OUR FIRST BASEMAN, ROBERT ROSENBLATT.

THOUGHT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO SING WHEN IT'S OVER.

WE'RE 5 AND 51...

SHE SANG A LONG TIME AGO.

RONALD ROSENBLATT.

RONALD ROSENBLATT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

[ bad singing and guitar-playing ]

* Oh, say, can you see,

* by the dawn's early light

* what so proudly we hailed

* at the twilight's last gleaming? *

* Whose broad stripes and bright stars *

* through the perilous fight?

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I KEEP THIS?

* were so gallantly streaming? *

* And the rockets' red glare *

* the bombs bursting in air *

* gave proof through the night

* that our flag was still there *

SORRY I'M LATE, COACH.

I WAS DOING, UH,

HOMEWORK.

HONEST.

* Oh, say does that banner yet wave? *

* O'er the land of the free

* and the home of the brave?

MAN, WHERE ARE MY GAME CLEATS?

[ riffs guitar ]

GLAD THAT'S OVER.

THANK YOU!

Brandon: Looks like Zellman is suffering

from another case of frostbite.

LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING PROBLEMS.

[ muttering ] LIKE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING PROBLEMS.

NOW BATTING:

Henry Jones.

[ playing theme from "Indiana Jones" ]

I NAMED THE DOG "INDIANA."

ROSIE! [ giggles ]

ROSIE!

WHOO! ROSIE!

LOOK WHAT WE GOT FOR YOU, BABY!

THAT'S ALL YOU. THIS IS ALL YOU.

ROSIE, I WANNA BE ON FIRST BASE.

About to get underway here at Owlz Park as Bender

lays down the sign, and off we go.

Zellman delivers...

AND HITS JONES.

Looks like Jimmy Z. tried to sneak

THE OLD PALSY PITCH BY

SINCE THE BATTER DOESN'T KNOW WHERE IT'S COMING FROM.

Unfortunately, neither does Zellman.

WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?

STOP.

COME ON, ZELLMAN.

COME ON, SON!

YOU GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT A TWITCH AIN'T ONE.

LET'S GO!

Chloe: Now batting: Easton Campbell.

OH, IT'S MR. BIGSTICK.

Brandon: Easton Campbell steps in with .450 lifetime against Zellman.

But then again, who isn't?

OF COURSE, I AM TALKING ABOUT YOUR BAT, NOT YOUR PENIS.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU GOT A LITTLE ONE.

Zellman looks in to get his sign,

and the pitch.

Campbell swings, and this one to shallow right field.

Out goes Maurer, in comes Johnson,

and the ball will drop between the two of them.

SON OF A BITCH.

WELL PLAYED, MAURER.

And here comes Maurer to run the ball to Zellman

because, apparently, he couldn't throw the ball.

IF HE SHOWED THAT MUCH HUSTLE ON THE POP FLY,

MAYBE WE'D HAVE AN OUT.

COME ON! LET'S GO!

Chloe: Now batting: Sam Seager.

girls: WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK!

MMMM!

I HATE COMING TO THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK!

In steps Sam Seager,

hitting .600 lifetime against Zellman.

And the pitch.

Seager swings and sends one to center field that's gonna drop in for a base hit.

One will score. The throw comes in to Rodriguez,

the relay throw home.

The tag is applied, and he's out.

OUT!

HEY, HEY, HEY! THAT'S BULLSHIT.

Frank Bender going back to Mr. Reliable.

MAN, HE'S GOT SOME GREAT ACCIDENTAL AIM WITH THAT MASK.

[ girls laughing loudly ]

GOT ONE!

DON'T BE MAD

JUST 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T CALL IT YOUR WAY.

THAT'S THE WAY YOU'RE GONNA PLAY IT, HUH?

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE GOT HACK MAN ALREADY.

OKAY, CHARLIE CHUMP, I GOT YOUR NUMBER.

CHARLIE CHUMP.

I SHOULD GO?

BE MY GUEST.

YOU GOTTA PAY 'EM, LIKE WE DO.

TIME, BLUE.

TIME!

COACH KASSEM BOSCO IS HEADING TO THE MOUND,

which doesn't look good for Zellman.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I DO HAVE CEREBRAL PALSY,

BUT BESIDES THAT, I'M FINE.

I HAD TO ASK.

WHAT'S HE THROWING, FRANK?

I DON'T KNOW, I HAVEN'T CAUGHT ONE YET.

SHUT UP AND LET ME PITCH. GET BACK TO YOUR PLATE.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED IS RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME VERY HAPPY.

WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK!

YOU GOTTA WORK IT! WHOO!

And the Raptors lead 3, nothing

here in the bottom of the second.

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK!

Now batting: Ronald Rosenblatt.

DO IT THIS YEAR, NOT NEXT YEAR.

And here comes Ronald Rosenblatt,

hoping those extra Twinkies give him a little bit more power

in this at-bat.

Anxiously awaiting the pitch, and here it is.

Swings the lazy fly ball to right field.

And it's an easy out.

WE STILL LOVE YOU!

I STILL HAVE LOVE FOR YOU, PAPI!

NOW BATTING: FRANK BENDER.

[ making crowd cheering sound ] AHHH.

HAWAIIAN TROPIC, WHAT'S UP? WAKE UP, YOU'RE PITCHING NEXT.

ZELLY, KEEP THAT SHOULDER ICED, BUDDY.

AT LEAST THAT WAY, IT CAN PITCH TOMORROW.

UP, DICK.

Leading off in the bottom of the second

WILL BE THE ONCE PROMISING PLAYER, FRANK BENDER.

HEY, BENDER!

And earning .310 during his freshman year

and .305 during his sophomore season,

hitting just .115 this year.

STRIKE!

PRETTY SURE I WAS GONNA HIT THAT ONE.

SOME BLAME THE DROP IN HIS AVERAGE ON COLLEGES' DECISION

TO USE WOODEN BATS THIS SEASON.

Or it could be Bender's choice to go from a 34 to 33-inch bat,

IN HOPES OF GAINING A LITTLE BIT OF BAT SPEED.

WHERE I COME FROM,

MOST GUYS TRY TO GAIN AN INCH.

WHAT DOES A GUY WITH A SMALL PENIS EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

NO IDEA.

ME NEITHER. THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING YOU.

STAY LATE NOW. TAKE IT THE OTHER WAY.

COME ON! COME ON, FRANKIE!

GIVE IT TO US!

COME ON, FRANK. WHAT DO YOU SAY? STAY LATE NOW!

Now the one-strike pitch to Bender,

a swing and a line drive into foul territory

and it hits Hootz in the head.

OKAY!

Ouch, man down.

That's gotta hurt.

COME ON, FRANKIE!

GIVE IT TO US! COME ON!

HEY.

PFFT, THAT IS NOT A SNAKE.

THIS IS A SNAKE.

AYE, PUTA!

WHAT, YOU TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR LITTLE DICK?

YOU AIN'T IN CONGRESS YET.

IS THAT MY FUCKING PHONE?

OH, HELL NO. I AIN'T TOUCHING THAT SHIT.

LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT THAT LITTLE BITTY THING.

YOU AIN'T EVEN CIRCUMCISED.

THAT'S SOME WHITE BOY SHIT.

WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE MINE.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED THE WHOLE MEGA--THE JUMBOTRON.

THEY GONNA BE SINGING "WORK IT HARD, WORK IT"

WHEN THEY SEE MY SHIT.

FRANKIE BENDER!

YOU CAN BEND ME OVER, BABY!

COME ON, FRANK, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

STAY LATE NOW!

The 0-2 pitch, and down goes Bender.

WHOO!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! YEAH!

NOT THAT LATE.

We start the ninth inning,

and the only Owlz highlights so far

IS THAT THEY'RE GONNA FINISH THIS GAME IN TIME

FOR ME TO HEAD HOME AND CATCH THE LATEST EPISODE

OF "BITTER OLD BITCHES" ON SPIKE NETWORK.

STRIKE THREE!

WE LOST 51 NOW?

THAT MANY?

I STOPPED COUNTING.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD LOSE THAT MANY IN A SEASON.

WE DID.

DID YOU KNOW THAT 61 PLAYERS IN MAJOR LEAGUE HISTORY

STRUCK OUT 5 TIMES IN A SINGLE GAME?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 1991, SAM HORN FROM THE BALTIMORE

ORIOLES WAS THE ONLY GUY TO STRIKE OUT 6 TIMES?

TITANIUM SOMBRERO.

DOESN'T COUNT, IT'S EXTRA INNINGS.

IT STILL DOES COUNT.

Now batting: Andrew Yen.

HE THROWS HARD.

REALLY?

NO, IT DOESN'T.

[ replies in Spanish ]

YO, BOSCO,

COACH D WAS A PRETTY GOOD HITTER BACK IN THE DAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE CAN DO AGAINST PITCHING LIKE THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE .325?

.325?

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER,

HE IS IN HIS 60s.

HEY, I'M GONNA BE RIGHT BACK, FELLAS.

WHO'S IN HIS 60s?

HMM, THOUGHT I SMELLED SOMETHING DOWN HERE THAT DOESN'T SMELL

LIKE THE INSIDE OF AN OLD SHOE.

THANK YOU?

THAT IS A COMPLIMENT, ACTUALLY.

AH, IT'S THE RECRUIT.

HOW'S THE TOUR?

[ gong sound ]

FRANK BENDER!

DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

NO, NOT A WORD. NO. OKAY.

FRANK BENDER, GREAT COLLEGE CATCHER,

YOU ARE HITTING THE BALL WELL OUT THERE, I SEE.

THANK YOU.

WERE YOU TOO BUSY DOING HOMEWORK?

OR IS YOUR BATTING AVERAGE SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT?

WELL, TO ERR IS HUMAN.

TO BLAME IT ON SOMEONE ELSE SHOWS MANAGEMENT POTENTIAL.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T ARGUE WITH AN IDIOT.

HE'LL JUST DRAG YOU DOWN TO HIS LEVEL

AND THEN BEAT YOU WITH EXPERIENCE.

THANK YOU, MARK TWAIN.

OF COURSE, I DO REMEMBER YOU BEATING ME DOWN WITH EXPERIENCE

OVER IN THE BULLPEN CLOSET.

YOU WOULD REMEMBER THAT.

I DO THAT REMEMBER THAT.

TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

HOLD ON, I'M REMEMBERING IT.

OKAY, CONTINUE.

YOU STILL DON'T TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.

THAT IS WHY YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

WELL, THE TROUBLE WITH GETTING SOMETHING RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

IS THAT NO ONE APPRECIATES HOW HARD IT ACTUALLY WAS.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

THANK YOU.

I JUST TALKED TO TWO GUYS IN THE PRESS BOX.

THEY SAID THAT TWO BUCKETS OF LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS

WERE LEFT OUT HERE LAST NIGHT, BUT THE SECURITY GUARD PICKED IT UP.

THEY WERE LEFT OUT? HAVE YOU CHECKED WITH SECURITY?

YEAH, HE SAID THEY WERE DOWN HERE.

OKAY, I DON'T SEE A BUCKET OF CURVEBALLS DOWN HERE.

COME ON, JOHNSON.

AND WHY THE HELL IS YOUR HAT ON BACKWARDS?

SHOW A MODICUM OF RESPECT FOR THE GAME, SON.

THANK YOU. KEEP LOOKING.

CLASSIC. THANK YOU.

LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS? YEAH.

I AM SURPRISED YOU DON'T HAVE HIM

LOOKING FOR THE KEYS TO THE BATTER'S BOX.

GOD, I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE THAT ONE NEXT.

YEAH, GIVE ME CREDIT.

SEE, YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS, AS WELL.

I KNOW.

GOD, I LOVE THE IGNORANCE OF OUR YOUTHFUL FRESHMEN.

THEY TAKE IT.

YOU DO HAVE A THING FOR FRESHMAN,

ESPECIALLY THE IGNORANT ONES.

I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT, DIDN'T I?

WELL, YOU SET THEM UP, I HAD TO KNOCK THEM DOWN.

THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE THAT.

With two outs and nobody on,

the Owlz are looking for a miracle.

The pitch...

ground ball hit over to third.

He's got it, throws over to first.

And that'll do it.

Drive home safely, everyone.

IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY!

WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW! WE'RE GONNA BE RIGHT HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO LATER?

OKAY. GOOD TALK, GOOD TALK.

AT LEAST WE DIDN'T END ON A TRIPLE PLAY LIKE LAST TIME.

DID YOU KNOW THE TWINS TURNED TWO TRIPLE PLAYS IN ONE GAME IN 1990?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 1930,

KEN ASH WALKED INTO A GAME, THREW ONE PITCH,

AND GOT THE CUBBIES TO HIT INTO A TRIPLE PLAY, ENDING THE GAME?

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU TWO NUMBNUTS DON'T EVER HAVE

A CHANCE AT GETTING LAID?

YEAH.

GUESS THAT'S THE BALLGAME.

GUESS IT IS.

WE'LL BE BACK! WE'LL BE BACK!

WE'RE GONNA GO OVER THE PLAYS.

GO OVER YOUR PLAYS! IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

GO OWLZ, GO OWLZ! WHOO!

OKAY, THEN.

ONE HUNDRED MILLION SPERM, AND HE WAS THE FASTEST.

IT'S A SIMPLE GAME.

YOU THROW THE BALL,

YOU HIT THE BALL,

YOU CATCH THE BALL.

SOMETIME YOU WIN,

SOMETIME YOU LOSE...

[ both ] SOMETIMES IT RAINS.

[ gong sound ]

THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE.

COME ON.

YOU ARE GONNA HELP US WIN THESE ONE DAY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

THAT'S OKAY.

WE GOT A STRONG THERE, MAN.

DID YOU KNOW THAT HICKORY IS THE STRONGEST HARDWOOD?

WITH A COMPARATIVE STRENGTH OF 9,210 PSI?

DID YOU KNOW I GOT A HARDWOOD, PUTO?

YOU EVER HEARD OF THAT MELATONIN STUFF?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE IT WITH TRYPTOPHAN.

TRYPTOPHAN, THAT'S THE STUFF IN TURKEYS?

YEAH.

AH.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE TO GET SOME OF THAT BECAUSE,

YEAH, I'VE GOT INSOMNIA.

SO, IF I GOT A SUBPOENA FOR A BLOOD TEST,

SHOULD I BE WORRIED?

HEY, YO, AIN'T THAT YOUR SLUMPBUSTER?

HI, JIMMY.

OH, HEY, XENA.

I WANTED TO BRING MY TEAMMATES BY TO SEE IF YOU COULD HELP THEM OUT, TOO.

HELP THEM?

YEAH. XENA WAS 0 FOR HER LAST 11 UNTIL TONIGHT.

[ crowd cheering ]

[ players laughing hysterically ]

BOOM!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHOA, OKAY.

SO, THE Z MAN WAS YOUR SLUMPBUSTER?

[ all laughing ]

OKAY, OKAY.

ANYWAYS, I WANTED TO MAKE THE INTRODUCTION

AND SEE IF MAYBE YOU COULD HELP THEM OUT, TOO.

SO, YOU LADIES EVER BEEN WITH A CRIPPLE BEFORE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO?

YOU KNOW, THEY CALL ME "THE HUMAN VIBRATOR."

WE'RE OUTTA HERE.

MY CRIPPLE. MY CRIPPLE.

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS,

I GUESS I'M GONNA GO BUST SOME SLUMPS.

Mo: I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T.

AND WHAT ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD FOR?

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE BUMMED AFTER TODAY'S GAME.

WHY?

YOU STRUCK OUT FIVE TIMES.

I STRUCK OUT FIVE TIMES TODAY?

MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE IF I HAD A BUCKET

OF GODDAMN LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS, JOHNSON!

BUT YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A CATCHER.

FRESHMAN.

BEER?

OH, BEER...

THE REASON I GET UP EVERY AFTERNOON.

IS EVERYBODY DRESSED IN THERE?

THERE'S A GIRL COMING IN.

HI.

HEY, EVERYBODY.

DOES EVERYBODY HAVE THEIR CLOTHES ON IN THERE?

QUAN.

HEY, BUDDY, OVER HERE.

HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN FRANK?

CAITLIN.

HI, MAURICE.

CAITLIN.

HI.

YOU LOOK...

WOW.

THANK YOU.

UH, I BROUGHT YOU QUAN.

REMEMBER, TAKE HIM OUT, SHOW HIM A GOOD TIME,

BUT DON'T KEEP HIM OUT TOO LATE.

WE'VE GOTTA SHOW HIM AROUND THE ACADEMIC VILLAGE IN THE MORNING.

WHY ARE YOU SO DRESSED UP?

BECAUSE SHE'S MY DATE TONIGHT.

DATE FOR WHAT?

UM, MYRON IS BEING HONORED FOR HIS CONTRIBUTIONS

TO THE SCHOOL AT THE ANNUAL BENEFIT.

I WAS HANDPICKED BY PRESIDENT PRATT.

IF YOU CHOKE A SMURF, WHAT COLOR DOES IT CHANGE?

AND CAITLIN WAS HANDPICKED BY ME.

UM, PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH HIM.

IF HE DECIDES TO GO HERE NEXT YEAR,

IT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING FOR THE TEAM.

THEY COULD GET ROGER CLEMENS IN HERE,

AND IT WOULD NOT HELP THIS IDIOT TEAM.

HEY, MYRON, UM...

JUST WONDERING,

DOES CROWDED ELEVATORS SMELL DIFFERENT TO A MIDGET?

[ stammering ] LITTLE PEOPLE HAVE A... THEY DON'T...

I'M NOT EVEN SHORT, MAKES NO SENSE, SO...

I'VE SEEN TYPES LIKE YOU BEFORE,

BUT ONLY, I HAD TO PAY ADMISSION.

[ chuckling ]

FOR WHICH TO SEE THE, THE PEOPLE

LIKE YOU WERE THERE

'CAUSE...

THIS IS...

IT'S LIKE, IT'S AT THE CIRCUS, UH, CIRCUS ADMISSION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

IT'S A PRIVATE PLAYER AREA.

HI, DAD.

TOUGH ONE TODAY, HUH?

IT'S ALWAYS TOUGH.

MR. DESHIELDS.

HI, SEGAL.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN GOOD HANDS WITH ME TONIGHT, SIR.

YEAH, WELL....

GLAD SHE'S TAKEN CARE OF.

DON'T STAY OUT LATE TONIGHT.

I KNOW, I KNOW,

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

BYE, DAD.

COME ON, MYRON, WE GOTTA GO.

THANKS, FRANK.

NO PROBLEM.

BYE, GUYS.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH,

I'M FINE.

WE'RE NOT A TEAM ANYMORE,

SHE CAN DATE WHOMEVER SHE WISHES.

MYRON?

HEY, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOW THE RECRUIT A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?

WELL, THEN LET'S SHOW THE RECRUIT A GOOD FUCKING TIME.

[ girls laughing ]

IT'S TIGHT. YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?

TWIZZLER?

ALWAYS PUT THE CHAIR UP LIKE THIS.

WHY?

BECAUSE THE TIGER CAN'T FOCUS ON ONE LEG, THERE'S FOUR THINGS.

SO, THE TIGER CAN'T GET YOU.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT HUMAN VIBRATOR THING.

OKAY, WELL, FIRST YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO TAKE

SOME OF MY SEIZURE MEDICATION.

RELOAD.

[ makes reload sound ] KSH-KSH.

LOOK AT THESE TWO FOOLS.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS PLAY?

I'M A SHORTSTOP.

I PLAY SECOND BASE.

OH, NO.

OH, YEAH. THEY'RE GOIN' AT IT.

LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT THIS.

I KNOW.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A PING PONG MATCH THAT DOESN'T END.

DID YOU KNOW THAT A BASEBALL HAS 108 STITCHES,

ALL SEWN BY HAND WITH TWO STRAIGHT NEEDLES?

THIS IS JUST SAD.

I KNOW.

DO YOU SEW THEM YOURSELF?

WELL, WE HAVE TO,

OR WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO PLAY.

IT MAKES STRONG HANDS.

[ laughing ]

AWW, THAT SUCKS.

THAT SUCKS.

GIRLS IN AMERICA LIKE GUYS THAT CAN DO TRICKS.

OH, LOOK AT ROSIE. OH, MY GOD.

THEY ARE REPRESENTING US TONIGHT.

DID HE JUST FLIP HIS...?

YEAH, HE DID.

I GOT IT.

[ gong sound ]

CUTIE.

WHY WOULD YOU TEACH HIM THAT?

I WAS JUST GOOFING AROUND.

I DID IT YOU KNEW HE WAS GONNA A BATTING DO THAT, YOU KNEW THAT.

WHAT KIND OF GIRLS YOU LIKE?

YEAH, SHAKE IT, WHITE GIRL.

SHAKE IT.

OH, I LIKE THE WHITE GIRL.

WIDE GIRLS.

THIS IS A PARTY?

NO, IT'S NOT A PARTY UNTIL THE COPS SHOW UP, MAN.

THAT WAS NOLAN RYAN.

OREL HERSHISER HAD THE BEST CURVEBALL--

EVENING, FOLKS.

FEW COMPLAINTS OF NOISE LEVEL.

NOW, IT'S A PARTY. IT'S A PARTY.

TOO LOUD?

OH.

WE'RE GONNA BRING IT DOWN HERE.

ID'S, GRAB 'EM.

HUH? WHAT?

WE'RE ALL 21.

RENT-A-COP AT ITS BEST.

ID'S FOLKS.

BEARD BOY, RIGHT HERE, FRONT AND CENTER.

OH, NO, NOT ZELLMAN, NOT...

HOW MUCH HAVE YOU HAD TO DRINK TONIGHT, SIR?

I THINK THERE'S A MISUNDERSTANDING HERE, MAN.

I'M NOT DRUNK, I HAVE CEREBRAL PALSY.

CERE-CER WHAT?

THAT'S A PRETTY BIG WORD FOR A DRUNK ASS, SIR.

FRONT FORWARD, WALK TOWARDS ME.

WOW, THIS IS GONNA BE A DIFFICULT HANDCUFF JOB.

LOOK AT THAT.

TRY IT, STRAIGHT LINE, EXACTLY.

A LITTLE TROUBLE, HUH? A LITTLE TROUBLE.

RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.

IT'S BECAUSE I'M AFRICAN-AMERICAN, ISN'T IT?

IT'S BECAUSE YOUR A DRUNK ASS.

YOU RACIST PRICK!

DON'T DROP THE SOAP!

HOW DO YOU LIKE AMERICA?

GOOD?

HERE YOU GO, BUDDY, JUST LIKE YOU ORDERED.

ONE WIDE GIRL.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

THIS IS NUTS, MAN.

THIS IS--

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D BE INTO THIS TONIGHT, BUT

I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT, YOU KNOW?

I DO, BUT UM...

DOES CAITLIN KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GONNA CALL IT.

SLEEP WELL.

HEY, DON'T WATER THE BASELINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MCCAULIE? YOU CAN LEAVE.

*

[ snoring ]

[ "Purr Kitty" playing in background ]

YO, GUYS, COACH BOSCO CALLED AN EMERGENCY MEETING.

LET'S GET UP AND GO.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

*

ALL RIGHT, SOBER UP NOW.

D'S GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD. WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW, HE JUST ASKED ME TO GET YOU ALL DOWN HERE.

COACH, WHAT IS GOING ON?

Mo: WHAT'S GOING DOWN, COACH?

WELL, I GUESS PRESIDENT PRATT ISN'T VERY HAPPY WITH US.

SHE INFORMS ME THAT, ACCORDING TO CAMPUS BYLAWS,

THE SCHOOL CAN CUT THE BASEBALL PROGRAM

AT THE END OF THE SEASON.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

THAT'S HORSESHIT.

THAT IS A CAMEL DUNG.

SHE CAN'T DO THAT, RIGHT?

ACTUALLY,

SHE CAN DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE. THIS IS A PRIVATE PLAYER AREA.

SHOW ME A REAL PLAYER, AND I'D BE HAPPY TO LEAVE.

[ snickering ] JUST AS I THOUGHT.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU BOYS WILL HAVE PLENTY TO DISCUSS.

I SURE HOPE YOU WIN.

BEST OF LUCK. GO OWLZ.

[ laughing ]

THAT WOMAN NEEDS SOME DICK.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE 50,000 DOLLARS IN DEBT THIS YEAR.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT SAYS THAT SINCE WE LOST THE TELEVISION CONTRACT,

AND SO MUCH MONEY GOES INTO THE PROGRAM EACH YEAR

TO PAY FOR THE UNIFORMS AND THE MERCHANDISING,

AND THE SCHOLARSHIPS,

THAT THE SCHOOL CAN NO LONGER AFFORD TO KEEP US ACTIVE.

AND ANY PROGRAM THAT REFLECTS A NEGATIVE BALANCE FOR 3 YEARS IN A ROW

CAN BE TERMINATED AT THE DISCRETION OF THE ACTIVE PRESIDENT.

WHAT DO WE DO, COACH?

WELL, I GUESS SOME OF YOU UNDERCLASSMEN CAN TRANSFER,

BUT GETTING SCHOLARSHIP MONEY THIS LATE IN THE SEASON

CAN BE NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE.

DON'T TRANSFER STUDENTS HAVE TO SIT OUT A YEAR?

YES.

SO, IF YOU UPPERCLASSMEN WANNA TRANSFER--

WE'LL HAVE TO SIT OUT A YEAR, TOO,

WHICH MEANS WE LOSE OUR FINAL YEAR OF ELIGIBILITY TO PLAY.

AND WE'LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, COACH?

THIS IS WHERE YOU PLAYED. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN OWL.

IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL IT'S OVER.

PASS THAT AROUND.

I CAN'T LOSE MY SCHOLARSHIP. I'LL HAVE TO DROP OUT.

I DEFINITELY CANNOT AFFORD TO GO TO HERE.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON?

ZELLMAN, WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?

THE COPS KEPT ME IN THE DRUNK TANK ALL NIGHT.

KEPT SAYING, "DAMN, BUDDY, WHAT DID YOU DRINK?"

OKAY, THIS WILL SOBER YOU UP.

PRATT'S GONNA AX THE PROGRAM.

WHAT?

SO, COACH, WHAT DO WE DO?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

CAN'T YOU GET ANOTHER COACHING JOB?

NO ONE WOULD EVER HIRE ME. I NEVER EVEN PLAYED BASEBALL.

WHY DO YOU THINK I NEVER HIT INFIELD OR THREW BP?

I USE TO SERVE SOUP IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA.

YOU SERVED SOUP?

D FELT BAD FOR ME, AND HE GAVE ME THIS JOB.

THE ONLY REASON I GOT ON THIS TEAM IS MY UNCLE DONATED THE SCOREBOARD.

I COULDN'T EVEN GET A BAT BOY JOB COMING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.

I KNEW YOU WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. YOU A BAT BOY BITCH.

I KNEW IT, MILK!

FUCK YOU, MO! SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP!

YOU BOTH SHUT UP!

OH, WHAT DO YOU CARE?

HUH?

YOU'RE GRADUATING THIS YEAR,

AND APPARENTLY, YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH THE WHOLE DAMN SOFTBALL TEAM.

OKAY, YES, THAT MAY BE TRUE,

BUT DO YOU THINK I WAS AN EASY SELL COMING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL?

SHIT, MAN, LOOK AT ME!

COACH D WAS THE ONLY COACH WHO EVEN GAVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE.

YEAH, I DON'T WANT COACH D TO GO OUT LIKE THIS.

YOU GUYS, DATA'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, IF THIS TEAM GOES DOWN,

WE ALL LOSE.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

WE GOTTA FIND A WAY TO MAKE THAT MONEY.

FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS?

EVEN IF WE WERE TO SELL OUT OUR LAST GAME,

WE WOULD STILL BE WELL SHORT.

SELL OUT?

I MEAN, WE GOT LIKE 3 FANS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE FAT, SO THAT'S LIKE 6,

BUT IT'S NOT NO SELL-OUT.

WHO WANTS TO COME WATCH US? WE SUCK.

LOOK, WE'VE GOT 12 HOURS TO DO SOMETHING,

SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT.

I HOPE SO. I CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT CAFETERIA.

DON'T WORRY, COACH.

NO SOUP FOR YOU.

WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

HEY, FRANK.

HMM?

WHERE'S THE RECRUIT?

OH, FUCK!

*

THAT'S RIGHT,

YOU AND YOUR CREW WILL BE ABLE TO BEGIN

THE DEMOLITION MONDAY MORNING.

BUT JUST REMEMBER,

MY PARKING SPACE SHOULD BE TWICE AS WIDE,

AND RIGHT UP FRONT.

WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.

I GET A PARKING SPACE UP FRONT, TOO, RIGHT?

OH, SHUT UP, MYRON.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT NEXT TIME.

SO, WE'RE JUST GONNA CUT THROUGH HERE,

WHICH'LL BRING US OUT INTO THE STUDENT COURTYARD.

SO, CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT THE CLUB LIFE HERE?

SURE, YEAH. WE'RE ACTUALLY ONE OF THE ONLY UNIVERSITIES THAT COMBINES

STUDENTS AND PEOPLE FROM AROUND TOWN TO FORM ACTIVITY CLUBS.

SO ANYONE CAN JOIN?

ABSOLUTELY.

PRESIDENT PRATT OPENED IT UP TO THE PUBLIC IN AN EFFORT

TO BRING THE COMMUNITY TOGETHER.

THERE IS A SMALL MONTHLY MEMBERSHIP FEE--

SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS KID?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

HE PROBABLY TRIED TO SELL YOU A WATCH OR SOMETHING.

UM, UH, JUST ONE SECOND.

THE GUY LOOKS LIKE JACKIE CHAN.

NO, NOTHING?

OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE USELESS. THANK YOU.

[ P.A. announcement for Alumni banquet ]

HI, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS ASIAN KID?

PROBABLY TRIED TO SELL YOU A WATCH OR SOMETHING.

HI, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS KID?

FRANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHERE'S QUAN?

HELLO, LADIES. WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

I'M FRANK BENDER. NICE TO MEET YOU.

QUAN?

[ gong sound ]

QUAN IS ONE OF THE CLUBS HERE ON CAMPUS.

SEE, I AM THE, UH...

I'M THE CAPTAIN OF THE QUAN CLUB.

WHAT'S THE QUAN CLUB?

YES, FRANK,

WHAT IS THE QUAN CLUB?

WELL, THE QUAN CLUB

IS A CLUB HERE ON CAMPUS THAT...

THE BASEBALL TEAM SPONSORS.

SINCE THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY IN JAPAN

IS ONE OF THE LONGEST IN THE WORLD,

WE GET TOGETHER TO CELEBRATE THAT.

AND SING KARAOKE,

WHICH MEANS "EMPTY ORCHESTRA" IN JAPANESE.

THAT'S A LITTLE TIDBIT FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW.

AND WE DO THAT

SO WE LIVE LONGER.

THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

YEAH, I COULD PROBABLY GET MY DAD TO SIGN UP, TOO.

MY MOM LOVES TO SING.

THAT'S...YEAH--COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

YEAH, SURE, YOU GOT LOTS OF SECONDS.

IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING ABOUT THE MEMBERSHIP DRIVE

OR SOMETHING COOL.

THIS IS A COOL CLUB.

IT'S COOL THEY REALLY CARE ABOUT THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

WE DO

CARE ABOUT THE FAMILY.

LADIES, THE PROSPECTIVE FAMILY LUNCH IS JUST

THROUGH THE LIBRARY OVER THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND I'LL JOIN YOU IN A BIT?

OKAY? THANKS SO MUCH, GIRLS.

COOL.

WE'LL SEE YOU OVER THERE.

NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS.

CIAO.

SEE YOU GIRLS.

GOOD TO MEET YOU. BYE, LADIES.

MUCHO GUSTO--

FRANK--

HEY, YOU WANNA JOIN OUR CLUB?

FRANK.

WOW, PEOPLE WILL FOLLOW ANYBODY ANYWHERE, HUH?

IT'S LIKE A HERD OF CATTLE.

WHERE THE HELL IS QUAN?

OKAY, DON'T FREAK OUT.

I MIGHT HAVE LOST HIM.

YOU MIGHT HAVE LOST HIM?

TECHNICALLY, I JUST MISPLACED HIM.

TECHNICALLY, YOU MISPLACED HIM?

HE'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER THE SCHOOL'S EVER RECRUITED.

AND IN CASE YOU DON'T REMEMBER, YOUR TEAM NEEDS HIM.

YOU GUYS ARE 5 AND 51 THIS SEASON.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE 5 AND 52.

BESIDE THE POINT.

LOOK, I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, OKAY?

IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TRY.

OF COURSE, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY

SINCE PRATT'S GONNA CUT THE WHOLE PROGRAM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? SHE CAN'T DO THAT.

WELL, I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU, BUT THEN WE'D BOTH BE WRONG.

IF WE CAN'T RAISE 50,000 DOLLARS,

OUR BASEBALL TEAM GETS CUT FROM THE ACTIVE CLUBS ON CAMPUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THAT MEANS THE GUYS LOSE THEIR SCHOLARSHIPS.

AND YOUR DAD...

GETS FORCED INTO RETIREMENT.

WELL...

I'M SEEING MYRON IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

HE'S CLOSE WITH PRATT. MAYBE HE CAN TALK TO HER.

MYRON?

LITTLE FLYING MONKEY BOY, MYRON?

NO, HE'S IN ON IT WITH HER.

NO, NO, HE'S A SWEET GUY.

DO NOT JUDGE HIM JUST BECAUSE HE'S NOT A JOCK LIKE YOU.

HE'S...SMART AND...FUNNY.

HE'S SMART--THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

WHEN DO YOU NEED THE MONEY BY?

BY THE END OF THE SEASON.

ISN'T THE SEASON OVER AFTER TONIGHT'S GAME?

WELL, YEAH.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE AT PRACTICE NOW?

WHAT GOOD IS PRACTICE GONNA DO IF

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO HELP THE GUYS?

OKAY, UH, UM,

I WILL FIND QUAN, HOPEFULLY IN ONE PIECE.

YOU GO TO PRACTICE AND SEE IF YOU AND THE GUYS

CAN COME UP WITH ANY IDEA OF HOW TO RAISE MONEY

AND I'LL COME UP WITH SOMETHING, TOO.

CAITLIN,

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I MEAN IT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, GO, 3.

[ mascots making fun of team ]

OH!

[ moans in frustration ]

YOU GUYS SUCK!

SON OF A BITCH!

WAIT 'TIL THEY SEE A FUCKING SURPRISE ON THEIR FUCKING...

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK IS THE MATTER WITH THESE GUYS?

COACH, IF THIS IS OKAY,

GUYS, BRING IT IN.

EVERYBODY, BRING IT IN. COME ON, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.

BRING IT IN, COME ON.

OKAY, LOOK,

I KNOW THINGS DON'T LOOK GREAT FOR US RIGHT NOW.

THE PRESIDENT HATES US, NOBODY TAKE US SERIOUSLY.

WE CAN'T WIN A GAME,

LET ALONE GET ANY FANS TO SHOW UP.

STILL CAN'T FIND THE RECRUIT.

YES, THANK YOU, MILKY.

STILL CAN'T FIND THE RECRUIT.

AND WE HAVE TO RAISE MORE MONEY THAN ANY OF US HAVE EVER SEEN

IN OUR LIVES IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS

OR WE ARE ALL DONE.

I GOT AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE CHANGE OUR NAME TO "FREE BEER?"

THAT WAY, WE CAN HANG UP SIGNS THAT SAY "FREE BEER"

AT THE STADIUM TONIGHT, AND EVERYBODY'LL SHOW UP.

BRO, DON'T BE STUPID. THIS IS SERIOUS.

NOW LOOK,

WE'VE ALL SEEN THE MOVIES. SOME GUY GIVES THAT

THE-ODDS-ARE-AGAINST-US-BUT-WE- CAN-STILL-WIN SPEECH.

SO, YOU GONNA GIVE US ONE OF THOSE?

UH, NO, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN'T HAPPEN.

LOOK, YOU GUYS, I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES WE WATCH THAT MOVIE "MIRACLE,"

I DON'T THINK WE'RE PULLING THIS SHIT OUT OF OUR ASSES.

YEAH, HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO RAISE

50 LARGE BY THE END OF TONIGHT'S GAME?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THIS--

AND BACK ME UP IF I'M WRONG HERE, DATA--

THAT ONE-TIME MANAGER, ALIN DARK, OF THE SAN DIEGO PADRES--

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS,

TOLD REPORTERS THAT NASA WOULD PUT A MAN ON MARS--

THE MOON.

MOON,

BEFORE CATFISH HUNTER--

GAYLORD PERRY.

WOULD HIT A HOMERUN.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE LATER DID HIT THAT HOMERUN.

YEAH, BUT THAT WAS 20 MINUTES AFTER NEIL ARMSTRONG LANDED ON THE MOON.

SCRAP, GIVE ME YOUR BATTING GLOVE.

YOU GUYS ARE MISSING THE POINT.

THE POINT IS--

WE NEED MORE THAN A HOMERUN.

WE NEED TO FILL THESE STANDS UP TONIGHT.

AND CHARGE DOUBLE-ADMISSION.

AT LEAST.

WELL, WE CAN'T JUST SIT HERE AND DO NOTHING.

YEAH, PEOPLE TOLD ME MY WHOLE LIFE

TO JUST SIT HERE AND DO NOTHING.

AND WELL, IF I DID THAT,

I'D JUST BE SITTING HERE DOING NOTHING.

ZELLY'S RIGHT.

SCRAP, DATA, ROSIE,

I WANT YOU GUYS TO GO AROUND CAMPUS,

WRANGLE UP AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN TO BRING THEM TO THE GAME.

SHARIF, MILKY, MO,

I WANT YOU GUYS TO WRITE UP SOME FLIERS

AND POST THEM AROUND CAMPUS.

ZELLY, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU'RE A FRESHMAN.

FIND ME THAT BUCKET OF LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DO BEST.

WHAT'S THAT?

FIND A WAY TO BEAT THE SYSTEM.

HEY, FRANK, DO YOU THINK WE CAN PULL THIS OFF?

THIS IS BASEBALL, AND AS LONG AS YOU GOT ONE OUT LEFT...

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.

NOW, LET'S GO GET THIS DONE!

others: LET'S GO!

OKAY, SO WE'VE GOT AN HOUR BEFORE PRACTICE.

ALI AND MO ARE LOOKING FOR HIM AROUND CAMPUS,

SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY SPREAD OUT

AND SEE IF HE'S SOMEWHERE IN THE BUILDING.

WHERE'S THE LAST PLACE YOU GUYS REMEMBER SEEING HIM?

[ laughing and talking in Vietnamese ]

MAYBE HE HAD ENOUGH FUN PLAYING CATCHUP IN THE BATTING CAGE LAST NIGHT

THAT HE'LL COME HERE NEXT YEAR.

AND IF HE DOES, MAYBE PRATT WILL KEEP THE PROGRAM.

LOOK, JUST CHECK THE CAGES, SEE IF HE'S THERE.

IF NOT, I'LL SEE YOU GUYS AT PRACTICE IN AN HOUR.

COOL.

ZELLMAN!

QUAN?

QUAN?

QUAN?

[ someone laughing ]

[ girls talking and giggling, guy laughing ]

girl: HEY. HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

QUAN?

[ laughter ]

*

* YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN *

* TELL ME WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND *

* YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN *

* GETTIN' NASTY AIN'T NO CRIME *

* YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN *

* I'M TELLING YOU TO CONFESS *

* IF YOU WANNA GET DOWN AND DIRTY, *

* THEN YOU GOTTA CLEAN UP THE MESS *

* CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH *

* LIVIN' THE DREAM *

* TELL ME YOUR FANTASY *

* LIVIN' THE DREAM *

* GETTIN' LUCKY WITH A GIRL LIKE ME *

* IT AIN'T OBSCENE *

* TO SHOW ME YOUR FREAKINESS *

* IF YOU WANNA GET DOWN AND DIRTY, *

* THEN YOU GOTTA CLEAN UP THE MESS *

* CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH *

* LET ME HELP YOU WASH AWAY *

* THE THINGS THAT YOU REGRET *

* I'M NOT AFRAID TO WORK IT OUT, *

* SO GET WORKING UP A SWEAT *

* I PUT THE HUSTLE IN THE MUSCLE, *

* PUSHIN' TO THE SHOVING *

* THE GRIND INTO THE SHINE, *

* AND I DO IT ALL WITH LOVE *

* CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH CLEAN IT UP *

THAT'LL GIVE THAT ARROGANT PRICK SOME TRADITION AND POWER.

LET'S DO IT.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR COMING HERE TONIGHT

ON THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION.

HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.

SMILE.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES.

AND THEN I ANNOUNCE MY PLAN,

AND LET THOSE DECAYING OLD BUZZARDS GIVE ME

MY DUE POSITION.

[ footsteps ]

WHAT?

THE ORDER OF SUNGLASSES JUST CAME IN.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT THEM?

WHAT SUNGLASSES?

YOU JUST MAKE SURE YOU RECORD EVERYTHING.

YEAH.

GOT ANOTHER CALL.

I'LL MEET YOU TWO IN THE QUAD AFTER.

PRESIDENT PRATT.

WHY DID 10,000 PAIR OF SUNGLASSES

ARRIVE AT MY OFFICE?

I WAS LOOKING THROUGH OUR RECORDS,

AND I SAW THAT YOUR WORLD RECORD CLUB COULD SET A RECORD,

the most people wearing the same sunglasses at the same time.

THEY'VE BEEN A CLUB FOR A WHILE NOW,

AND THEY PAY THEIR MONTHLY DUES.

People are beginning to ask questions.

WHAT ACCOUNT DID YOU USE?

THE SCHOOL ACCOUNT.

I AM ABOUT TO ADDRESS THE ENTIRE STUDENT ALUMNI BANQUET

ABOUT HOW I AM BRINGING MONEY INTO THIS SCHOOL.

AND NOW, I HAVE TO EXPLAIN A BILL

FOR 10,000 DOLLARS WORTH OF CHEAP SUNGLASSES

TO THE TRUSTEES!

I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD GIVE THEM A SENSE OF CAMARADERIE,

YOU KNOW, ACCOMPLISHMENT.

THEY WOULD FEEL LIKE A REAL CLUB.

They could set a record and they could have

THE MASCOTS THERE HANDING STUFF OUT.

IT WOULD BE A FESTIVE THING FOR EVERYONE.

OH, WELL, YOU JUST FESTIVELY THOUGHT YOURSELF OUT OF A JOB,

YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING LITTLE PIECE OF COW DUNG.

THAT CLUB MONEY WAS MINE,

you little shit!

HAVE FUN PAYING YOUR TUITION NEXT FALL.

You're fired.

[ she hangs up ]

I'M FIRED.

HI, FRANK.

HI, FRANK.

LADIES.

LET'S FIND A PLACE FOR YOU TO SLEEP IT OFF.

STEP. JESUS, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY JUST LEFT YOU.

AH, JESUS,

I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH,

BUT HE NO HELP HIT CURVEBALL.

WOW.

YOU SAY JESUS CHRIST NO HELP HIT CURVEBALL?

I DID NOT.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

NO, NO, NO.

OH.

YOU'RE GONNA STAY RIGHT THERE.

I PLAYER TO BE NAME LATER.

[ laughing ] "MAJOR LEAGUE," "BULL DURHAM."

BEST MOVIE EVER.

FRANK BENDER! BEST CATCHER EVER!

[ gong sound ]

WE JUST WANTED TO COME BY AND WISH YOU GOOD LUCK

BEFORE THE GAME TONIGHT.

WE JUST WANT YOUR LAST GAME TO BE MEMORABLE.

AND WE KNOW JUST HOW TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

I THOUGHT WE COULD PRACTICE MY "COME FROM BEHIND" GAME.

[ all laughing ]

YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID, YOU MADE A JOKE.

UH, NO. THE TWO OF YOU ARE JUST BAD NEWS.

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, I STRUCK OUT FIVE TIMES YESTERDAY.

AND MY BALLS HAVE BEEN ITCHING ALL DAY TODAY.

I THOUGHT SHAVING DOWN THERE CLEARED THAT UP.

YUCK. OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE REVOLTING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNOW WHO IT IS

THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WITH,

AND IT'S NEITHER ONE OF YOU.

COMMUNICATIONS AND A FIFTH-YEAR SENIOR UNDECIDED...

GOOD LUCK.

OKAY, LOOK OUT FOR THE--

OKAY, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LOOK FORWARD.

FORWARD--

MYRON, HI.

YOU CRY?

THERE NO CRY.

THERE NO CRY IN BASEBALL.

JIMMY DUGAN.

HAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHA.

OH, BOY.

OKAY, GO SIT DOWN.

GO SIT DOWN.

OKAY.

GOOD BOY.

OKAY.

OKAY, GOOD BOY.

GOOD...

WHAT'S WRONG?

I WAS FIRED.

BY PRESIDENT PRATT?

OH, GOD, I WAS JUST GOING TO CALL YOU

AND ASK YOU TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THE BASEBALL TEAM.

WELL, SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S DEAD SET ON GETTING RID

OF THE BASEBALL BOYS ANYWAY, SO...

WHY DOES SHE WANNA GET RID OF THE BASEBALL TEAM?

BECAUSE SHE GETS AN ADDITIONAL STIPEND

FOR EVERY NON-ATHLETIC CLUB SHE CAN CREATE.

AND SINCE THE BYLAWS CLEARLY STATE THAT ANY ORGANIZATION

THAT IS NOT GENERATING REVENUE CAN BE ELIMINATED,

IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

NOT GENERATING REVENUE?

YOU THINK IT'S A COINCIDENCE THAT THERE'S A MANDATORY

CLUB MEETING DURING EVERY HOME GAME?

IF THE ENTIRE TOWN AND CAMPUS ARE AT MANDATORY MEETINGS, THEN--

THEY CAN'T GO TO THE GAMES.

NOW, I HAVE NO JOB.

I HAVE 10,000 GLASSES

AND A SOON-TO-BE VERY ANGRY WORLD RECORD CLUB TO BE DEALT WITH.

OR DEAL WITH.

HAVING TO BE DEALT-- I DON'T KNOW, I JUST

WANT MY JOB BACK.

HERE'S YOUR STUPID CAMERA.

UH, SORRY, NO BLACKMAIL MATERIAL.

YEAH, HE KEPT PUSHING US AWAY

AND TALKING ABOUT SOME CHICK HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH.

I EVEN WORE MY NICE BRA.

[ clears her throat ]

IT'S TOO BAD HE DIDN'T GO FOR IT.

BUMMER.

BUT WE'RE OFF TO LACROSSE PRACTICE.

PROBABLY FIND A GUY WITH A BIG STICK THERE.

BYE.

SEE YA.

HE DIDN'T GO FOR WHAT, MYRON?

YOU OKAY, BRO?

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GONNA MISS THIS.

I KNEW IT WOULD END EVENTUALLY, BUT...

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD END LIKE THIS.

ME NEITHER.

WE SURE HAD ONE HELL OF A RIDE, THOUGH, HUH?

YEAH, WE DID.

GLAD, MAN. I'M GLAD FOR YOU.

[ loud cheering and noises from outside ]

THOSE IDIOTS PULL IT OFF?

HEY, BIG MAMA.

HEY, BABY! I GOT YOU!

I BRING THE CROWD!

WE GOT YOU.

YEAH!

HEY, BIG MAMA.

OH, YES, BABY. WE HERE, WE HERE!

After Zellman sat down the Raptors in order

IN THE TOP OF THE FIRST,

there are now two outs in the bottom of the frame.

Rodriguez stands at second after reaching on air,

Jamal swings and misses the throw down to third.

And he's got him.

Strike 'em out, throw 'em out, win the inning.

[ laughing loudly ]

YES, AND FOR TONIGHT,

I HAVE PLANNED THIS BANQUET TO PERFECTION.

IT WILL BE A CASUAL, FAMILY-FILLED AFFAIR

WHERE AFTER THE CLUB MEETINGS RELEASE,

EVERYONE WILL GATHER IN THE BANQUET HALL.

AND THERE I WILL SHARE THE FINANCIAL GAINS WE HAVE MADE THIS YEAR.

AND THEN, I WILL PRESENT TO YOU MY PLANS

TO CONTINUE THAT TREND INTO THE FUTURE.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE WELL ON YOUR WAY.

WELL, AFTER THAT, WE'RE GOING TO CAP THE WHOLE EVENING OFF

WITH A DISPLAY OF FIREWORKS FROM MY FIREWORKS CLUB.

PERHAPS A VOTE FOR THE FUNDING

FOR THE NEW PRATT CONVENTION CENTER IS IN YOUR FUTURE.

OH, WELL, WOULDN'T THAT BE A LOVELY SURPRISE?

YAY ME.

[ Big Mama cheering ]

Zellman has found a groove, keeping the Raptors hitless through 3.

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A BALLGAME.

COME ON, OWLZ!

Zellman looking to put away West here.

STRIKE THREE! And the curve strikes him out.

SWING IT, DADDY! SWING IT!

Bender and Zellman remain in sync.

NICE WORK, ZELLY.

DO YOU KNOW THAT NOLAN RYAN HAS

THE MOST NO-HITTERS IN BASEBALL WITH 7?

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE ONLY CATCHER'S THAT'S GOT

THE MOST NO-HITTERS IS JASON VARITEK WITH CUATRO?

YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THE CATCHER WHO BEAT DOWN

TWO OTHER PLAYER AFTER THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT

A NO-HITTER AFTER 3 INNINGS IS FRANK BENDER?

SHUT UP!

Big Mama: SCRAPPY! OH, PAPI, SCRAPPY!

I LOVE YOU, PAPI!

Here's the pitch to Rodriguez.

He swings and pops it up.

Catcher's underneath and will squeeze it in for the Owlz.

THAT'S OKAY, BABY, WE LOVE YOU.

WE LOVE YOU. MAMI LOVE YOU.

Runner leads off third base after a walk.

Zellman set, and the pitch.

The runner goes, the throw down to second from Bender.

And he's got him!

WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK!

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK! COME ON!

Bender hoping for a miracle.

And Owlz still looking for their first hit of the day.

Jones delivers.

And down goes Bender.

STRIKE THREE!

Looks like he's just lost that magic spark.

HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF YOURSELF.

Strike three.

Maurer goes down on strikes.

Zellman comes set, and the pitch.

Line drive to short. What a catch by Rodriguez!

OOH, COACH JONES! I SOMETHING FOR YOU, BABY!

Zellman fires, he struck him out.

ALL RIGHT, HOW WE HITTING?

NOT MANY.

OKAY.

Zellman staying focused on the hill, gets his sign.

And now, the pitch.

That's strike out number nine.

Now, the 1-2 pitch from Zellman.

Ground ball to short.

Rodriguez gets to it, throws to first,

he's got him!

The double no-no is still alive.

HEY, CABRON,

YOU KNOW WE GOT A DOUBLE NO-NO GOING?

YOU KNOW THAT MAY 2, 1917, FRED TONEY AND HIPPO VAUGHN

BOTH PITCHED NO-HITTERS FOR NINE INNINGS?

Zellman offers...

the pop up in the infield for an easy out.

OF COURSE I KNEW THAT.

DID YOU SEE THAT, GIRL? HE GOT SKILLS.

I'M GONNA TALK TO HIM AFTER, YES!

I GOT SOME GATORADE FOR YOU!

And what an afternoon this has been for the Owlz.

Jimmy Zellman has shown heart, determination,

and courage as he's one of many on this squad

that is looking to cap off what would be an incredible

ending to this season.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

Here is the seventh inning stretch.

To sing for us again is the lovely Gert LaLoosh.

All fans in attendance, please be advised

THAT GERT WILL BE SELLING HER ALBUM IN THE PARKING LOT

after the game.

I BOUGHT THE ALBUM.

YOU BOUGHT IT?

* Take me out to the ballgame

IRONICALLY,

IT WASN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT LADY STOPPED SINGING.

[ mic feedback ]

DOES ANYBODY EVEN CARE?

[ flatly ] YEAH.

AH, SCREW THIS.

THIS SUCKS.

WHOO, LORDY! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?

YOU NEED TO SING NEXT TIME.

I'M JUST SAYIN', I SHOULD SING NEXT TIME.

YEP.

YEAH, BECAUSE I'D DO BETTER THAN THAT.

THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS, ASS HAT.

ASS HAT?

I LIKE HER.

We're off to the home half of the seventh inning.

And here comes Bender as he tries to help put

the first run of the game on the board.

HE'S 1 FOR HIS LAST 27,

SO IF HE WASN'T DUE BEFORE,

HE IS NOW.

'SUP.

The pitch...

and strike one on the outside corner.

OKAY.

Jones offers, and it's a swing and a miss.

THAT ONE WAS A STRIKE.

guy: YEAH, I WANNA FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS QUAN CLUB.

other guy: I'VE HEARD ABOUT THAT CLUB.

IT'S WHERE YOU LEARN WAYS TO LIVE LONGER.

THAT'S COOL.

YEAH, IT'S JAPANESE ORIGIN, RIGHT?

I THINK SO.

[ gong sound ]

YOU'RE WITH THE CLUB MOVING BOXES, HI.

WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU TO KEEP MOVING. COME ON.

KEEP MOVING. THERE'S HUNDREDS.

Bender tries to keep things alive, and he comes up empty.

The Owlz just can't seem to find a way.

YOU KNOW, I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT

'TIL YOU DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.

IT'S BEEN A REAL HONOR TO PLAY FOR YOU, SIR.

IT AIN'T OVER YET.

THAT'S OPTIMISTIC.

WAITING FOR THE FAT LADY.

SHE JUST HIT ME IN THE GUT WITH A MICROPHONE, SO...

I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS.

JUST GET OUT THERE AND PLAY.

GOT IT.

The Owlz with their incredible performance this afternoon

have given new hope to the future of this program.

PFFT.

FRANK!

FRANK,

I HAVE AN IDEA.

AN IDEA FOR WHAT?

FOR HOW TO RAISE THE MONEY.

IT'S THE NINTH INNING, HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING

TO RAISE THE MONEY IN THAT AMOUNT OF TIME?

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO STALL THE GAME.

STALL?

STALL, SLOW DOWN THE GAME.

STALL? YOU WANT ME TO STALL A BASEBALL GAME.

I WANT YOU TO STALL A BASEBALL GAME.

I'M ABOUT TO FILL THE STADIUM.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?

I'M GOING HERDING.

I'M WATCHING YOU WALK UP THE STAIRS.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, CAP?

NOT SURE.

CAITLIN WANTS US TO STALL BECAUSE SHE'S GOT AN IDEA

FOR HOW TO RAISE THE MONEY.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA STALL A BASEBALL GAME?

YEAH, WE'RE IN THE NINTH.

[ says something in Spanish ]

HEY.

JESUS.

YOU CAN SAY IT, I'M AWARE.

I GOT A NO-HITTER GOING.

YOU GUYS REALLY THINK IT'S GONNA JINX IT?

MY WHOLE LIFE'S A FUCKING JINX.

FAIR.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT OUT HERE?

WE HAVE A PLAN.

A PLAN FOR WHAT?

A PLAN TO SAVE THE TEAM.

THANKS, COACH.

LET'S GO, FRANK!

SO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STALL?

YOU WANT ZELLMAN TO GIVE UP HIS NO-NO?

HELL NO. NO, ZELLY'S GRADUATING.

WE ARE GONNA HOLD ONTO THIS FOR HIM THE BEST WE CAN.

THERE MAY BE A WAY WE CAN DO BOTH.

MAYBE ZELLMAN CAN TAKE HIS TIME BETWEEN PITCHES.

NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

DO YOU KNOW THAT THE RULES REQUIRE

WHEN THE BASES ARE UNOCCUPIED

THE PITCHER MUST PITCH THE BALL WITHIN

both: TWELVE SECONDS OF RECEIVING IT?

WELL, JUST GONNA HAVE TO OCCUPY THE BASES THEN, WON'T WE?

OH, HEY.

GUYS, HI.

DID YOU HEAR THAT THEY MOVED THE BANQUET

TO THE BASEBALL STADIUM?

OH, REALLY, WHY?

HEARD THEY'RE TRYING TO SET SOME KIND OF A WORLD RECORD.

IT'S IN A JOINT EFFORT WITH THE QUAN CLUB.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

AND THEY'RE JUST ASKING FOR A TEN DOLLAR DONATION TO GET

THE QUAN CLUB STARTED.

OKAY. WELL, THANKS.

THANK YOU. GREAT, WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS THERE.

TELL EVERYBODY YOU KNOW.

HI, YOU GUYS ARE WITH THE TV CLUB, RIGHT?

YES.

EXCELLENT TIMING.

WALK WITH ME.

SO...

Zellman has been on fire today,

WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE REALLY FRUSTRATED THIS RAPTOR BUNCH.

YOU AIN'T GONNA GET THAT SHIT PASSED ME, FREAK.

Jimmy Zellman on the bump has had incredible control this afternoon.

Bender lays down the sign.

And here's the twist and the fire.

Hits him right in the arm.

MY BAD, BRO!

THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

A REAL MAN DOESN'T RUB IT.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU, MAN.

THAT'S ONE WAY TO KEEP A NO-HITTER.

GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING. ENJOY THE GAME.

ENJOY SETTING A WORLD RECORD.

IT'S GONNA BE SO FUN.

West leads off first base as Rosenblatt holds him off.

Seager at the dish.

Loves the sign from Bender.

The kick and the fire, and he hits another Raptor.

COME ON!

COME ON!

ZELLMAN SEEMS TO HAVE REALLY LOST HIS CONTROL.

WHAT IS THIS?

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK.

OKAY, YOU WANNA PLAY THIS WAY?

I GOT YOUR NUMBER.

YO, GUYS, THAT'S NOT VERY P.C.

HE'S GOT CEREBRAL PALSY.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

COME ON, TAKE A LESSON IN ETIQUETTE AND ACCEPTANCE.

LISTEN, SMARTASS, YOUR GUY HITS ANOTHER PLAYER,

YOU'RE BOTH GONE.

GOT IT, SIR.

HE WON'T HIT ANOTHER PLAYER.

SO GLAD YOU GUYS GOT WORD.

WE'RE GONNA SET A WORLD RECORD. IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

Little confused,

BUT WE HAVE SOME MORE PEOPLE COMING INTO THE BALLPARK.

Not sure if they're lost,

OR MAYBE WORD OF ZELLMAN'S NO-NO IS STARTING TO GET AROUND.

IS THIS WHERE THE CHESS CLUB SIT?

HEY, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAITLIN DID,

BUT HOT DAMN.

WE GOTTA GIVE HER A LITTLE MORE TIME TO FILL THIS PLACE UP.

YOU DOING OKAY PITCHING FOR ALL THESE PEOPLE?

YOU NERVOUS?

SHIT, MAN, I GOT THIS MANY PEOPLE STARING AT ME ALL DAY.

IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE YOU'RE DAMN HANDSOME, THAT'S IT.

KEEP IT UP.

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

READY, HOTSHOT?

WAITIN' ON YOU.

WHAT, YOU WANNA HIGH-FIVE?

GOOD LUCK, BUDDY.

*

Zellman looks in, approves the sign.

Checks over at first base,

and comes home.

And he hits the umpire right where the sun don't shine.

TIME!

YEAH, I THINK YOU GOT TIME, UMP.

LOOKS LIKE A DEAD BALL.

GOOD NEWS IS HE DIDN'T HIT ANOTHER PLAYER.

DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. CALLED THE PITCH OUT,

THOUGHT THE RUNNERS WERE GOING.

ZELLY MUST'VE GOT CROSSED UP.

YEAH, I GOT CROSSED UP. SORRY.

Looks like Zellman and Bender got crossed up.

YOU KNOW WE GOT A NO-HITTER GOING?

JUST THINK, YOU'D DIE TO BE A HERO AND BREAK IT UP.

OF COURSE, YOU ARE 0 FOR 3 TODAY,

HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED THE BALL YET.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU DON'T TALK?

OH, YOU'RE A MUTE.

MY COUSIN WAS A MUTE.

WE HAD TO PUT HIM DOWN.

HEY, THAT'S A BALL.

HE HAS TO STOP MOVING BEFORE HE STARTS PITCHING.

HEHEHE.

HE STILL AIN'T STOPPED MOVING.

[ laughing ]

I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

STILL AIN'T STOPPED MOVING.

I GOT A QUESTION...

IF A MUTE KIDS SWEARS,

DOES HIS MOM WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

GOD DAMN IT.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

THERE IS NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE.

COME ON, LET'S JUST PLAY SOME BALL.

IT'S THE ALL-AMERICAN PASTIME, GUYS, COME ON.

COACH, JONES, I CAN MAKE IT CLAP, BABY.

I CAN MAKE IT CLAP.

I HATE THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' PLACE.

Fans continuing to pile in here as it looks like

the grass area is almost full.

And Zellman getting ready for the next pitch.

Looks in to get his sign,

twirls and throws behind to second base.

That's gonna go into center field.

Oh, wait, Zellman still has it.

The runners take off, the throw down to second.

He's got him. It's the Palsy pick-off!

Rodriguez to home, and he is out!

YOU'RE OUT!

Double-play!

THAT'S TWO!

ISN'T IT ODD THE WAY EVERYBODY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES THE GOO

IN SOAP DISPENSERS IS FILLED WITH SOAP?

I LIKE TO FILL MINE WITH PISS JUST TO TEACH PEOPLE A LESSON IN TRUST.

Two strikes on Smith.

He's distracted. And he struck him out!

AND OUT!

THAT'S THREE!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BLUE?

I WASN'T EVEN READY!

We head to the bottom of the ninth,

and Zellman's no-no is still intact.

MAKE IT RAIN, ROSIE.

LET'S GO, ALI!

If the Owlz can pick up a run here,

they'll get their first win in weeks.

And what a way to close out the season.

THE WAY THEY'VE BEEN PLAYING TODAY,

it doesn't seem like anything is gonna get in their way.

Of course.

Looks like I spoke too soon

as the infield sprinklers come on

and the Raptors are getting a little bit of a bath.

Raptor: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ESTEEMED GUESTS AND ALUMNI...

[ giggling to herself ]

After a 20-minute rain delay,

AND SHARIF ALI POPPING UP FOR THE FIRST OUT

of the inning,

looks like we're back and ready to go.

[ talking quietly ]

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

[ speaking Spanish ]

YOU KNOW THAT STANLEY IS POISONOUS, RIGHT?

[ yelling in Spanish ]

THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME COMMOTION DOWN ON THE FIELD.

[ still yelling in Spanish ]

WHAT THE HELL?

SON OF A BITCH!

AYE, AYE!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

[ yelling ]

THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' SNAKE ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' FIELD!

THE HELL WITH Y'ALL!

POR FAVOR!

THE HELL WITH Y'ALL!

GET AWAY!

I'VE GOTTA TELL YA, I'VE SAT THROUGH INJURY DELAYS,

RAIN DELAYS.

I'VE EVEN SAT THROUGH A DUST STORM DELAY.

But a snake delay? That's a new one.

Welcome back, folks, and after an hour delay,

AND A STRANGE TURN OF EVENTS,

we have a packed house here in the bottom of the ninth.

AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD THE TV CLUB

has decided to set up and broadcast the rest of the game live.

JENNINE, WE'RE READY.

FINALLY.

Oh, look, here comes Hootz and Holly down the stands.

The fans love it.

[ fans cheering wildly ]

TOSS ME THAT MIC.

I'm not sure what's happening here,

BUT IT LOOKS AS IF FRANK BENDER IS GONNA ADDRESS THE CROWD.

Check, check.

This thing is on.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, OREM?!

YEAH, FRANKIE, BABY!

Welcome, activity clubs of Orem A&M.

ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED TO SET A NEW WORLD RECORD TONIGHT?

[ crowd going wild ]

IF I UNDERSTAND IT,

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU HAS BEEN GIVEN A PAIR

OF OREM OWLZ GLASSES FOR TONIGHT'S EVENT.

AM I RIGHT?

[ crowd yelling ]

Now, who here would like to break the world record

for most people wearing Owl sunglasses at night

IN ONE LOCATION?

LET'S SET THIS WORLD RECORD, GUYS!

YEAH!

Raise your glasses.

And on one, two,

three, put 'em on!

[ all clapping and cheering ]

CONGRATULATIONS!

A new world record!

[ snoring ]

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR OREM A&M!

[ crowd cheering ]

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I THINK I AM GENERATING REVENUE FOR OUR BASEBALL TEAM,

and from the looks of it...

GO TO CAMERA 2.

I think we've generated enough revenue to keep our program

around for another couple of years.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK, PRESIDENT PRATT?

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO DAMN SMART?

WELL, GUESS WHAT, DIPSHIT?

THOSE GLASSES ARE THE PROPERTY OF THE SCHOOL AND NOT YOURS TO SELL.

[ crowd booing ]

ACTUALLY, ACCORDING TO MYRON,

THOSE GLASSES WERE BOUGHT BY THE SCHOOL UNDER YOUR NAME, RIGHT?

TO GIVE TO THE CLUBS.

WELL, THEY WERE GIVEN TO THE CLUBS.

THE MONEY, THAT MONEY,

IS ALL DONATIONS BY THESE PEOPLE

FOR THE BASEBALL-SPONSORED QUAN CLUB.

[ sarcastically ] OH, THE QUAN CLUB?

THOSE CLUBS AREN'T EVEN REAL.

I MADE THEM UP TO MAKE MONEY FOR ME.

THAT'S ALL IT'S ABOUT, MONEY FOR ME.

SO, YOU AND THESE STUPID CLUBS CAN JUST KISS MY ASS.

I own this school,

and all the money that comes into it is mine.

Not yours, not the stupid team,

and not this abysmal institution!

Mine!

AND MY BAT IS A MICROPHONE.

Jennine Pratt, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's give her a hand.

[ booing ]

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE MATTER OF SOME UNBALANCED BOOKS.

DON'T WE, FORMER PRESIDENT PRATT?

NO, NO, NO, I CAN EXPLAIN.

THIS IS--THIS IS A MISUNDERSTANDING.

[ booing and yelling ]

You suck!

AND BENDER DRIVES ONE DEEP BACK TO THE WALL

AND OUTTA HERE.

WE SET A NEW WORLD RECORD TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

We got enough money to save our beloved baseball team.

MOST IMPORTANTLY TO ME...

I JUST RE-MET THE OWL OF MY LIFE.

[ speaking Vietnamese ]

What?

I think that's how you say "I'm sorry."

[ crowd cheering ]

[ gong sound ]

OH, LOOK, IT'S THE GUY FROM THE QUAN CLUB.

OH, ISN'T HE CUTE?

NOW THERE'S JUST ONE THING LEFT TO DO.

We're gonna win the whole fucking thing.

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS? YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED?

YES, YES, YES.

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD!

*

YOU GOTTA WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK.

YOU GOTTA WORK IT HARD.

[ adds beat ]

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA WIN!

YEAH!

FRANK...

TRY THE 34.

HARD WORK IT, FRANK.

*

WORK IT HARD, WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK!

[ all chanting and cheering ]

QUAN CLUB.

Here comes Frank Bender to the plate.

Bottom of the ninth inning

as the junior looking to become a hero this evening.

Here's the pitch.

A high fly ball to deep right field!

And it's going...

and it's gone!

A homerun! The Owlz win!

This crowd is going nuts!

It's pandemonium!

LIKE KIRK GIBSON!

YOU KNOW KIRK GIBSON PLAYED FIVE YEARS OF COLLEGE BALL?

DID YOU KNOW HE WAS DRAFTED FOR THE PROS

FOR THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS?

YEAH.

*

YEAH!

LET ME GO!

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH!

I'M GONNA GET YOU ALL FIRED!

*

YES, YOU GOT YOUR NO-NO!

YOU GOT YOUR TEAM!

YES, WE DID IT!

YES! THEY DID IT!

THIS IS IT!

THIS IS MY CORN!

YOU PEOPLE ARE GUESTS IN MY CORN!

THANK YOU!

A CATCHER NEVER TAKES OFF HIS CUP, BUT FOR YOU,

I AM DEFINITELY WILLING TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

TIME FOR THE QUO?

OH, YEAH.

You got to work it hard, work it hard!

Work, work, work!

GUYS, GUYS, I FOUND THEM!

I FOUND THE CURVEBALLS!

I FOUND 'EM!

*

[ Big Mama cheering ]

OOH, BABY.

LOOK WHAT FELL INTO MY LAP.

HOLD MY WEAVE.

I LOVE YOU.

I KNOW YOU DO.

*

ROSIE, DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT ANYTHING WAS POSSIBLE

WITH ONE OUT LEFT IN THE GAME? [ laughs ]

PRATT'S OUTTA HERE, AND YOU, QUAN,

[ talking loudly ] ARE GOING TO GET ACCEPTED TO THE SCHOOL,

WHICH IS GREAT.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE'VE HAD A TOP RECRUIT

ACCEPTED SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE.

I TOTALLY DID NOT THINK I WAS GONNA GET IN.

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE I DO.

THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GONNA GET IN WITH THE GRADES I HAVE.

DUDE, I WAS THE ONLY ASIAN GUY IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT FAILED MATH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE FROM SAIGON.

LITTLE SAIGON. CALIFORNIA.

THAT IDIOT MYRON MUST HAVE MADE A MISTAKE

ON THE PAPERWORK, THANK GOD.

WELL, MAN, YOU DO THAT ACCENT GOOD.

YEAH, SUPER AUTHENTIC.

I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT GREAT.

I LEARNED MY ACCENT FROM WATCHING

"HANGOVERS" 1, 2, AND 3.

GREAT MOVIES, THOUGH.

RIGHT?

[ with accent ] IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE FAT GUY FALL IN.

*

HEY, COACH, HOW YA DOIN'?

JIM WEST, HOT DAMN, MAN! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

WELL, I WAS SHOT AT A COUPLE OF TIMES, BUT THEY MISSED.

THEY'RE IN BETWEEN WORKOUTS, PERFECT TIMING. COME ON IN.

GREAT.

ROCKET, YOU HANDSOME SON A BITCH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, FRANK.

THANKS FOR COMING DOWN. HAVE A SEAT.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

SO...

THIS IS THE RECRUIT, HUH?

THAT'S HIM.

I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH JAKE FOR 3 YEARS NOW,

AND WITH THAT BUNCH OF SLAPDICKS YOU GOT DOWN THERE,

THIS MAN CAN HELP YOU.

GUARANTEED.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, KID?

YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE AN OWL NEXT YEAR?

YES, SIR. I'M EXCITED FOR THE OPPORTUNITY.

WE'VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD.

WELL...

WE DO HARD WORK IT. [ laughs ]

OH, YEAH.

WELL, HE WAS SCUFFLING EARLIER,

BUT SINCE WE CHANGED UP HIS WORKOUT ROUTINE,

HE'S BEEN ON FIRE.

TELL YOU WHAT, POP IN THIS RECRUIT VIDEO.

THAT WAY, YOU CAN SEE WHAT BEING AN OWL IS ALL ABOUT.

MAN, ROGER, YOU LOOK RIPPED. HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN ON THE SAME WORKOUT JAKE'S BEEN ON

AND, ACTUALLY, I'M THINKING ABOUT MAKING A COMEBACK.

REALLY?

OH, YEAH.

HEY, GUYS.

I'LL BE UPSTAIRS WHEN YOU'RE READY FOR YOUR, UH...

WORKOUT.

NOW, THAT'S THE SIZE I WEAR.

I WILL GLADLY PAY UP.

YOU, TOO, KID.

ANYTHING TO WIN, HUH?

GET USED TO IT.

[ Quan and girls laughing ]

HEY, LADIES.

YOU SURE ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[ more laughing ]

[ Chastity talking ]

ONE, TWO, THREE...

[ popping sound, Quan laughing ]

OH, NO. SHIT, NO.

[ Quan laughing loudly ]

*

* I NEED A MAN WITH POWER WHO CAN HIT THE LONG ONE *

* CAN'T BE YOUR WOMAN IF YOU DON'T WANT A STRONG ONE *

* I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THOSE SINGLE-HITTERS *

* EVERY TIME THEY MEET ME THEY JUST GET THE JITTERS *

* AND WHEN THEY TRY TO KISS ME GOTTA LOAD UP ON SOME WHISKEY *

* BETTER STEP UP TO THE PLATE *

* AND HIT IT OVER THE FENCE *

* INTO ANOTHER STATE *

* GOTTA HAVE A GRAND SLAM *

* DON'T NEED ANOTHER WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM *

* I'M GONNA TELL HIM WHAT HIS PLACE IS, *

* THAT HE'S GOTTA CLEAR MY BASES *

* GRAND SLAM *

* DON'T NEED ANOTHER FLIM-FLAM-ONE-NIGHT-STAND *

* GOTTA BE AN ALL-STAR HOMERUN MAN *

* HE'S GONNA HIT A GRAND SLAM *

*

* I'VE HAD A FEW BAD CALLS *

* AND IT GOT ME DRINKIN' *

[ all hooting ]

* BUT NOW I'M IN TO WIN IT *

* SO, WANNA STAY WITH ME THOUGH THE EXTRA INNINGS? *

* STARTING PITCHER AND A CLOSER *

* BE THERE WHEN THE GAME IS OVER *

* GONNA HAVE A WINNER'S TOUCH *

* AND WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN, *

* YOU'LL COME THROUGH IT *

THERE SHE GOES!

GOOD CATCH!

* GRAND SLAM *

* DON'T NEED ANOTHER WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM *

* GONNA GIVE HIM MY CONDITIONS *

MAN DOWN!

OH, NO.

WATCH IT...

OH, NO.

HE'S GOING FOR ZIMMERMAN.

ZIMMERMAN?

YOU JUST CALLED HIM ZIMMERMAN.

WHAT'S UP, POP CULTURE?

ZELLMAN.

ZELLMAN, YEAH, THAT'LL WORK.

THAT WORKS GOOD.

ZELLMAN.

WHOA! FOUL BALL.

SORRY, I SHOULD BE BACK FARTHER, PROBABLY.

TRY THE 34.

I'M STARTING TO FALL OVER.

HOLD ON.

SOUND IS IN THE SHOT.

OH, COME ON.

THIS IS CALLED YOGA BY THE TRASH CAN.

[ laughter ]

HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

FROM VIETNAM, WE HAVE A SPECIAL,

WE HAVE A SPECIAL SCHOOL CALLED

"YOGA BY THE TRASH CAN."

A SELLOUT?

WE GOT LIKE FOUR FANS.

FOUR...

THAT'S FAT.

OBESE.

[ laughter ]

SHIT.

YEAH, BUT THAT WAS 20 MINUTES AFTER

NEIL ARMSTRONG LANDED ON THE MOON.

SCRAP, GIVE ME YOUR BATTING GLOVE.

YOU GUYS ARE MISSING THE POINT.

DO IT AGAIN. HIT HIM ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD WITH IT.

[ loud laughter ] YOU OKAY?

THAT'S THE FIRST TIME WE'VE HAD A TOP RECRUIT

ACCEPTED SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE.

FUCK, I APOLOGIZE. I SPACED OUT.

SORRY, I THOUGHT--

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

[ laughter ]

[ trying to sing the national anthem ]

YOU SKIPPED A VERSE OF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

[still singing ]

* Oh, say, does that star spangled banner yet wave *

* o'er the land of the free

* And the home of the brave

PLAY BALL!

PLAY BALL.

YOU GUYS RECORDING THIS YET?

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

all: OH!

NO WAY, BRO!

HEY!

in Sharif voice: I AM STANDING CORRECTED.

BAM!

I TOLD YOU FUCKERS.

TOLD YOU.

TOLD YOU FUCKERS.

WHAT?

WHAT?

I AM STANDING CORRECTED.

BITE A CAMEL DICK.

[ owl hooting ]