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♪♪

Man's voice: This is St. Albert's.

It's a teaching hospital where interns learn to become doctors.

It's also the worst run hospital in the medical system.

And it's where I got posted for the final year of my internship.

It wasn't my first choice for clinical rotation,

or even my second.

In fact, no one would choose a rotation at St. Albert's.

Woman over P.A.: Dr. Kuzinski, report to ER. Dr. Kuzinski.

- What have we got guys? - ( laughing )

Okay, enough, all right? Stop.

Sir, calm down. You're at St. Albert's. You're in good hands now.

Man #2: All right, Whitecoats, stay close.

You'll spend the third year of your clinical internship

rotating in intervals starting here in E.R...

Man: That's Dr. Olson.

He's the one who decides whether we pass or fail.

...Orthopedics, and finally, ob/gyn,

but not necessarily in that order.

Remember, failure or dropout rate is 50%.

So take a look around you.

Either you or the person next to you

will never become a doctor.

Man: That's me-- Mike Bonnert, the guy with the glasses,

doing my best to stay out of the line of fire.

Mr. Bonnert, what is the non-surgical alternative

to c.a.b.g. Surgery?

Well, um, I guess drugs...

Uh, sotatol to lower the blood pressure.

Wrong. The correct answer is

percutaneous transluminal coronary angioplasty, or p.t.c.a.

- Yes. - I'm surprised you didn't know that, Mr. Bonnert.

I guess having two distinguished doctors as parents

is no guarantee that you will become one.

I'm pleased to mark you down with an F for today.

- Okay. - Moving on.

- Okay. - Hey, how are you doin'?

- Super. - Well, you look fantastic.

Ass.

Anyone care to enlighten us? Mr. Dodd.

Do a blood and urine workup

and then run it through the lab for possible infection.

Wrong. The patient could be dead

before the results come back from the lab.

Well, that sounds like an administrative problem to me.

The only administrative problem we have at this hospital

is admitting interns with no knowledge whatsoever.

I'm pleased to mark you down with an F for the day, Mr. Dodd.

I aim to please.

Anyone else have an answer for me? Yes.

Pressure test, right side.

Check for rebound tenderness, periumbilical radiating off the right side

for possible inflamed appendix.

Very good, Miss Towers.

Moving on.

So isn't anyone gonna pressure test my... Whatever?

All right. Burn victim, second degree.

I need a definition, please.

Miss Lee.

Yes, sir. In second-degree burns,

the epidermis and part of the dermis are damaged,

producing blisters and mild-to-moderate edema and pain.

- All right, and treatment? - Local anti-infectives,

topical steroids to reduce inflammation,

- Astringents to shrink tissues-- - No.

That might be plausible in a textbook from the 1930s,

but we're in the new millennium,

and I have a burned man in a bed,

so I need another answer.

- Yes. - You bathe the skin with saline,

and you dress with a wet gauze.

Very good, Mr. Thomas, is it?

All right, moving on.

How did you know that?

You see, there's a book, and then there's the street.

Now, you've got to know the book, but the book's no good without the street.

You know what I mean?

Okay, thanks.

Bed just opened up on two for mrs. Henderson.

- could you move her up? - I was just gonna give her a sponge bath.

That's fine. Give her a bath, then move her.

I could use a little sponge bath myself.

Knock yourself out.

All right, Whitecoats, moving on.

Let's take a look at what we got here.

Okay. Oh...

At a trauma center like St. Al's,

where we offer emergency care,

we seem to spend a disproportionate amount of our time

removing things from people's rectums.

And I'm talking about everything

from pen-like flashlights to weird sex toys,

and even live animals.

And most ridiculous of all, these patients will look you right in the eye

and tell you they have no idea how the object got there.

- Who are all these people? - They're interns studying to become doctors.

Okay, let's take a look at what we got here.

( all laughing )

Stop it! All right, stop it!

All right? Shame on you for laughing at me

for accidentally sitting on a child's toy.

Okay, I need recommendations for removal of the object.

- Lube-J Jelly. - That's a good way of getting it in,

but not necessarily a good way of getting it out.

- Anyone else? Yes. - Start by getting x-rays to check the position.

Very good. X-rays have been taken.

- Let's take a look. - ( snickering )

Okay, we have one doll here

lodged in the sigmoid colon.

Recommendations for removal-- anybody.

That is not any doll, that's malibu mindy.

Why don't we shove a pink corvette up there?

She can drive herself out.

Olson: Okay, let's keep on track here.

Recommendations for removal of the object. Yes.

Possibly, the doll can be safely removed if we inflate the colon.

Wrong-- The colon is not a closed system.

We'd never get a seal around the sphincter

with the doll's legs protruding as they are, anyone else?

We could use some forceps to push the doll's arms up over its head,

- and then we could pull it out. - No no no no!

- Don't-don't do that. - I think you got your answer from the patient there,

Mr. Bonnert.

Don't I have a single doctor in this group to give me an answer?

The only way to safely remove the doll

is to anesthetize the patient,

lubricate, insert a clamp,

pin the doll's arms to its side,

slide it out, then do a sigmoidoscopy to check for damage.

Very good answer, but unfortunately,

it took too long to get to it.

So I am pleased to mark you all down with an F here today.

Okay, we'll have someone come and take you to O.R. In about 15 minutes.

- Woman: Dr. Olson? - Yeah.

The patient's wife and daughter are here.

Oh god, no! You can't let them see me like this!

Tell them he's already gone up to O.R.

You got it.

Moving on.

( sighs )

Wow, he actually showed some compassion there.

Hmm, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all.

He is a bad guy-- we all got F's.

Maybe he just has a soft spot for people who stick things in their asses.

Yeah, if that's what it takes to get an a around here,

pass the Lube-J Jelly.

By the way, I really liked your suggestion

of aggressive use of petroleum jelly.

I would love to hear more about your application technique.

Maybe I should show you sometime.

Really? How about Friday night?

How about tonight?

Okay.

Mrs. Kelly, I just wanted to let you know

that your husband's in surgery now.

Is he gonna be all right?

Yeah, fine.

Don't worry about your dad, little girl.

- He's just gonna be fine. - I think she's more upset

because she lost her favorite doll.

Yeah well, sometimes these things never come back.

It worked when it was here.

I personally supervised the removal of that machine

when your guys picked it up.

So if it's broken, it happened somewhere on your end.

Well, you do what you gotta do, but you're not getting that money back.

Color those greenbacks gone.

John, I value your friendship

and I'm sorry you feel it has to end over this.

That's your decision. Anyway, give my regards to marge.

All right.

Stupid bastard.

Broke the M.R.I. machine. Now he wants his money back.

- The one from D wing? - Yeah.

I thought you finally sent that out to get it fixed.

( chuckles ) Caveat emptor-- buyer beware.

After overhearing that, I don't suppose there's any point at all

in asking where the x-ray machines from the third floor are.

Well, you can ask and I'm happy to tell you.

They went to Moline, Illinois.

I think they'll be very comfy in their new lives

at the little Sunnyside clinic.

How the hell are we supposed to do our jobs around here

with you selling this hospital off one wing at a time?

Why don't you do your jobs with the eight wings we've got left?

You can thank the people in Moline, Illinois, for paying your salary.

You know, I don't get it.

St. Albert pays the lowest salaries in the medical system,

the cheapest supplies and every bed is full.

How could we not be making money?

Take a look around you. Hospitals are closing all over the country.

The healthcare system is collapsing!

I've got a Board of Trustees here-- I've got eight of them

that would flip this place for real estate tomorrow.

I gotta find more things to sell to make next month's payroll.

I'm single-handedly keeping this place alive, Omar.

Well, I guess if I wake up packed in ice,

I'll know you sold my kidneys to the indonesians.

You're giving me an idea.

Yo, Mitzi, Mitzi.

What happened to you last night? I thought we were gonna go out.

- I had to work. - What, here at the hospital?

Uh, look, I don't have a lot of time to answer questions,

so come here.

Woman over P.A.: Dr. Mike hunt to ob/gyn.

Dr. Mike Hunt to ob/gyn.

( moaning )

So can I take you out for dinner or something?

Mm, I don't have time, but I hope that's okay.

Yeah.

Well, that was a new record.

Yeah. This place is awesome!

Mike: By the beginning of the second day,

Dale Dodd was on a first-name basis

with just about every female in the hospital.

Hello.

But he was the exception.

Most of us interns were still getting to know each other.

What are you gonna specialize in?

Dermatology, I think.

But it's not really my passion.

What is your passion then?

Well, I just love cutting people up,

taking them apart to see how they work--

the tissues, the nerves, the bones.

Okay, thank you for sharing your deepest, darkest thoughts with us.

- Sure. - What about you?

I want to be a cardiac surgeon,

to be able to walk into a waiting room after open-heart surgery and say,

"It was tough, but he's gonna make it."

I can feel that power.

The money's not bad either.

Well, there is the money.

And that's exactly why I'm going into dermatology.

My parents consider it bad luck to be poor.

My name is

Dr. Roget Tony Toussant!

But you can call me Tony.

Now today,

what we are going to concentrate on

is learning how to identify cell samples.

I think that one of the best cell samples

we can use are from our own mouths.

Now why do you think I think that?

Because the hospital doesn't have any money for real specimens.

No no, that's wrong. Who else? Yes.

Because the mouth is the filthiest place on the human body.

Exactly! The mouth is filthy,

disgusting cells and bacteria,

rife with all sorts of viral bacteria--

whatever. It's very bad, but good for us

because that is why we take

from the inside of the mouth, okay?

What we do now is we take the swab.

Everyone take one. Take a swab.

And swab it around in your mouth.

In your mouth, right in your mouth.

Your own, yes. Don't do your friend.

No, you do yourself.

- Okay, now. - Dr. Toussant?

- Tony? - Yes.

Yes!

I'm having trouble identifying a cell here.

All right now, your name is...

Misty-- Misty.

- Mitzi. - Okay.

Oh, that is very strange.

That is very strange, indeed.

That is a sperm cell.

Now what would a sperm cell

be doing in your mouth?

Uh, I have the glove on.

Let me see just to verify.

No, just-- I just want to confirm--

that is very strange.

Come look, look.

Everyone, come look and see the sperm cell

inside misty's mouth.

Come, look look, please.

Yes.

Do you have any St. John's wort tea?

- Man: No, I'm sorry. - ( gasps )

Oh my god, that's Dr. Whiteside, the cardiac surgeon.

How do I look?

Well, I wouldn't kick you out of bed for cutting the cheese.

Wait--

- Dr. Whiteside. - Yes?

Hi, I'm Mira Towers. I'm a huge fan of your work.

Well, so am I. So am I.

Your article in "The Journal of Medicine"

on the limitations of the raz procedure for older patients

requiring a valve replacement was--

was what?

Way ahead of its time.

Yes, that has always been one of my shortcomings,

being ahead of my time.

Well, I just hope I get the opportunity to work with you

when I become a cardiac surgeon.

( laughs ) Yeah yeah, okay.

What's so funny?

Well, in the history of St. Al's,

there's never been a practicing female cardiac surgeon,

and with good reason.

Well, you keep plugging away

and maybe you'll be the one who gets lucky.

If not, you'll probably be able to marry one.

I mean, you're a pretty girl.

That is the most disgusting chauvinistic thing I've ever heard!

Yeah, hold that thought, would you?

There's a guy down there I've been trying to make golf plans with for weeks.

Uh, that'll be 29.72, please.

I'm not hungry!

I wonder if after we've been doing this awhile

we'll be as mean and jaded as Dr. Whiteside

and the rest of the doctors around here.

Whoa, Mira, sit down, sit down.

- No, I'm fine. - No no, please, sit down.

You look like you're upset.

It's the gentlemanly thing to do. I have to do it, please.

- Damn Whiteside. - Who the hell's Whiteside?

He's the dickhead Mira was talking to in line.

He's also the head cardiac surgeon.

Yeah, he was mean to Mira.

He was mean to you?

Did he say something to hurt you?

Did he embarrass you?

Point him out to me, I'm gonna kick his ass! Point him out!

He's right there, Marlon.

I'm gonna go kick his ass.

No no, you can't do that.

Yes, I can and I will!

I gotta do it.

- Dr. Denton Whiteside? - Yes.

( loudly ) You think you could push people around?

( quietly ) Well, you can.

( loudly ) You think you're some sort of hotshot?

( quietly ) Well, you are.

Do you understand me? I just want everyone to know that.

You're the best.

Maybe you should go sit down.

Yeah.

Don't you forget what I said, man.

Gee, Marlon, I'm really impressed.

That was really sweet of you to stick up for me like that.

Yeah, it was. When someone messes with one of my bitches,

that's what happens-- ass gets kicked!

I wouldn't mind being one of your bitches.

Mike, you're everybody's bitch.

Hi.

Okay, so the results of your pregnancy test came back positive.

Are you sure that you're not sexually active?

- Sexually active? - Yeah.

No, sir, I just lie there.

Well, do you know who the father is?

No, who?

Uh...

Dale?

Aren't you supposed to be assisting in surgery right now?

Shit!

Okay, little pregnant girl.

Ah... Let's have a chat.

Okay, let's get sternal wire and driver.

( monitor beeping )

There's an arrhythmia on his e.k.g.

That's within normal range. I'm gonna need some help here.

Oh, I can wire a sternum.

No, I'll wire the sternum.

Mr. Bonnert, perhaps you can help me?

- Yeah, what do you want me to do? - Hold this, please.

Dr. Whiteside, you should really look at his e.k.g.

Oh, would you shut up?

You know, I've done over 1,000 valve replacements.

I really don't need an intern telling me what to do.

- Will you hold that a little tighter, please? - Sure.

Okay, not so tight!

Okay, that's good.

All right. Now then, I'm gonna need some clippers.

- Perhaps you can get those. - e.k.g. Is v-fib.

- That's not possible. - Cardiac arrest.

Son of a bitch! All right, we're gonna have to open him up.

Zap him! Defibrillator! Spreaders!

Xylocaine now.

- Where is the defibrillator? - It's coming, sir.

I need it now!

- All right. - ( grunts )

All right, now clear.

- Hit it! - ( electricity zapping )

Take it up to 20 and hit it!

25-- hit it!

30-- Hit it!

- No response. - Have you tried dopamine and adrenaline?

I've given him everything I can.

All right, you're not gonna die on me yet, you son of a bitch.

- All right, hit it! - ( pounding )

Hit it! Hit it!

Dr. Whiteside, he's gone.

You don't decide if he's gone!

Nor you or you or you, you son of a bitch!

( instruments clatter )

What happened? You replaced the valve. You connected him back up.

It's statistics, Mr. Bonnert.

The stats in this procedure are one in 100.

I tend to do a little better than that-- about one in 500.

But unfortunately for this poor bastard, today his number came up.

Yeah, but isn't there anything that we can do?

Yes, you can go down to the waiting room and tell the family.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

No, are you kidding? He's not even my patient, sir.

You assisted in this operation. That makes him your patient.

I think this would be good practice for you, Mr. Bonnert.

Hi.

Are you the intern that was supposed to be assisting today?

- Yeah. See, what happened-- - What's your name?

What is your name? I want your name.

- Dale-- - Your full name. I'm not asking you out on a date.

- I wanna know your name. - It's Dale...

- Dale... - ...Dodd.

- Dale Dodd! - Yeah.

Well, Dale Dodd, you have earned the right to clean up around here.

So why don't you sew him up and get him ready for the morgue?

And, Mr. Bonnert, what are you still doing here?

Shouldn't you be down in the waiting room

giving the family the good news?

Right.

Shit!

No no no.

Where did you go, you son of a bitch?

Oh no.

Where are you, you little suction cup?

Don't do this to me, not today.

Bitch, where are you?

- Oh fuck! - ( monitor beeping )

- What's going on? - Nothing.

He's got a heartbeat. What did you do?

- I didn't do anything-- - You must have done something. He was dead.

Well, maybe I willed him back to life.

- What happened? - He did it.

- Did what? - I brought him back to life.

I dropped this thing in here,

and his heart started. It was awesome!

Who the hell are you to play God with my patient?

What do you want to do?

Someone's gonna have to get down there

and stop that squirrely kid from telling the family.

That'll be you. Go. Go go go! Go.

Are you gonna close him up?

No, I think we'd better monitor him for a little while.

You know, I'm part of a foursome that's teeing off in about an hour.

But I guess that doesn't matter to you, does it, Lazarus, huh?

( melancholy music playing )

I'm sorry, folks.

He didn't make it.

Woman: No! No!

It's okay, it's okay.

No... No.

- ( tapping ) - ( music stops )

I'll be right back.

( silent )

( music resumes )

Sorry, folks. I got the wrong family.

( crying )

( music stops )

I'll be right back.

( music resumes )

I'm sorry, folks.

Oh no.

- Mike, stop talking. - Dale, it's okay.

I've got the right family this time. I'm sorry, folks, he's dead.

- No, he's alive. - Do not make their pain any worse.

I saw his heart stop with my own two eyes.

Yeah, but then it started again. I dropped this thing

in his chest and then the heart started beating. It was awesome.

- What? - We wanna listen to this guy.

Ahem, excuse me, gentlemen.

Hello, I'm Dr. Whiteside, the head of cardiology.

And I just want to let you know that...

Roger is going to be fine.

We expect a full recovery.

And my office will call to schedule with follow-up.

You son of a bitch! You got no right to be working in a hospital.

You got a sick sick sense of humor.

- ( clangs ) - I hope you burn in hell, buddy!

I'm gonna try to validate everyone's parking.

- Woman: You asshole! - Oh.

Mike: By the second month

the teaching structure at St. Al's really started to fall apart.

Woman over P.A.: Dr. Dick to f33, Dr. Harry Dick.

Cynthia: Okay, listen up, kids.

Dr. Walters was supposed to take you around today,

but he's out dealing with some tax difficulties.

So I have your assignments.

We're gonna put you in groups of two here:

Towers and Lee, you're gonna go to orthopedics;

Bonnert and Cole, obstetrics;

Radford and Thomas, pediatrics;

Dodd and Madden, report to E.R.

So where do we meet our supervising doctors?

We have a little problem with that today in that there aren't any.

- There aren't any? - No.

No, we're a little short-staffed today,

so you're on your own.

How the hell are we supposed to graduate

if there's no one here to monitor how we're doing?

Why don't you pretend you've already graduated?

Just go out there and assist those patients as best you can.

Oh, and remember, you're on the honor system,

grade yourselves fairly.

So, Christine, do you still think this is a fine teaching hospital?

Well, I think if we're honest with the honor system,

then we should all be able to benefit from independent study.

This is total bullshit. We've gone from

the hardest teacher ever to not having one at all.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be going down to pediatrics on two?

- I'm going to get some coffee. - Oh, good idea.

- I need some coffee too. - Yeah, me too.

What about the honor system?

Without coffee, there is no honor.

Why don't you make arrangements for the body?

Thanks. Oh no.

Hey, what's going on?

We lost another patient in 205.

Another one, huh?

Yeah, it's the fourth patient we've lost this month.

This is intensive care. People do die in intensive care.

In the same bed four Fridays in a row?

Well, that is a little creepy.

Some of the girls think this bed's haunted.

Oh, really?

Did anybody check the air conditioning

or respirator hoses for bacterial infection?

Yes, we had infection control and maintenance in here all last week

and they came up with nothing.

Then I guess it must be haunted.

Are you making fun of me?

No, I'm making fun of the girls who think it's haunted.

- I know you're not one of them. - What makes you think that?

You're way too smart to think there's no explanation

somewhere between maintenance and the paranormal.

You're right. I don't think it's haunted, but I do think it's weird.

I think we should go for a coffee and talk about it some more.

That's not why you want to have coffee.

And besides, I'm making beds right now.

Well, I'll help you make beds.

Did they teach you how to make beds in medical school?

No, but I'm here to learn.

I hope you're not too disappointed

- In being assigned with me. - Why?

Because I'm getting a reputation of being a complete screw up.

I told the wrong people that their family members are dead.

Well, I think you're kinda cute.

Besides, I've developed quite a reputation myself.

You mean that whole sperm- in-your-mouth in lab class?

No, I mean, who hasn't had sperm in their mouth--

Are you the interns? You were supposed to be here half an hour ago.

Nobody told us when to come. They just told us where to come.

Whatever. We've got a 40-year-old woman.

She's never had a child before. Her contractions are a couple of minutes apart

and she was fully dilated the last time we checked.

Great, well, you keep us posted.

No no no, you don't understand.

You're going to be delivering that baby right away.

- What? - Don't tell them you're interns.

- I already told her you're doctors. - Wh--

( moaning ) It hurts!

Good, they're here.

I'd like you to meet Dr. Bonnert and Dr. Cole.

- They're going to be delivering your baby. - Hi.

- You're a doctor? - Actually, I'm not a doctor.

- I'm just an intern. - Oh, jesus.

I am Dr. Mitzi Cole. Mr. Bonnert is my intern,

and he'll be assisting me today.

- Woman: Oh god! - I'm gonna keep an eye on your blood pressure.

And, Mike, why don't you check and see how far dilated she is?

- The nurse just said she was completely dilated. - It won't hurt to check.

Woman: Ooh, it's starting again!

So are you a hockey fan?

- No, not really. - Kind of a baseball?

- I'm not really into sports. - Okay.

I'm just gonna measure your wife's cervix here.

What?

I'm gonna stick my hand into your wife's vagina,

and we're gonna see how wide her opening is.

You're gonna what?

Ma'am, this is gonna be cold.

( squeals )

Okay, I don't think that's the right spot.

( grunts )

So what's the deal with Africa?

Why do you want to go there?

Well, actually,

Africa is just my first stop.

I wanna use my nursing skills to see the whole world;

you know, take a job at a clinic here and a hospital there

and work my way from continent to continent.

That's what I was gonna do. Do you wanna go together?

Come on,

don't you have some dreams?

What dreams?

Well, okay,

I bet you've probably wanted to be a doctor

ever since you were a little kid, right?

No no no, I wanted to be a pro wrestler.

When I found out it was rigged I cried for days.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard,

and almost believable.

Why did you decide to become a doctor?

To meet women.

You spent four years in medical school just to meet women?

It worked, didn't it? I'm standing here with you.

You're cute, Dale. But I'm not going out with you.

Are you afraid of me?

Well...

Okay, we can go on one date.

One's all I need.

If...

If it happens here in the hospital when we're both working.

What does that mean?

You figure it out.

I think I see it.

Man: Hey, what's she doing in here?

Nurse: Mr. Younger, this is Dr. Bonnert.

- Hello. - Mom?

Pay no attention to me, honey, I'm not here.

- You brought your mom to my kid's birth? - No, I didn't.

We paid extra for the private room.

I don't want people just wandering in and out.

Don't worry, Mr. Younger. Dr. Bonnert is one of the best gynecologists in the country.

- Then why isn't she delivering my kid? - Oh no, I'm not here.

You're here. I see you,

so get in there and do your job.

Mitzi: Mr. Bonnert and I are perfectly capable

of handling this birth without any help. Right, Mike?

- Huh? - How many babies have you delivered?

- Over 1,000. - And you?

Including this one? One.

Wait, I've got a type II dip that's not coming back up.

The baby's umbilical chord must be wrapped around the neck.

- Let's-- - Okay, I'll take it from here, thanks.

I need a pair of episiotomy scissors and a pudendal block.

Get an anesthesiologist. We may need to do an emergency cesarean.

- ( baby crying ) - Michael?

Michael, come back here!

Why did you come here today?

I came to see my son, and you're lucky I was there.

I mean, would you have known what to do?

Yeah, I did know what to do.

Then you pushed me out of the way.

How am I even supposed to become anything

if you won't let me out from underneath your thumb?

I saved that baby's life, Michael.

Help me out here, okay?

Did I miss parents' day on the internship calendar?

Is Tuesday the day that interns have their moms

come and perform procedures for them?

I don't have to take that kind of shit from you!

You didn't have good enough grades to get into a veterinary clinic in Tijuana!

Your father and I got you into this hospital and don't you ever forget it!

I'm sorry.

- Okay, I'm sorry. - Okay.

No more fighting.

Come on, give mommy huggy-boos.

Come on, huggy-boos!

- Sw, isn't that sweet? - The world needs more hugs.

Mike: Nights at St. Al's could be long and bizarre.

Even though Dr. Kipp rarely left the hospital,

he seemed more interested in banging his autoclaves,

banging back beer, selling off hospital equipment

and chasing nurses.

Taking care of the patients was left to us interns.

I saw a trustee in the building.

- I've gotta get these units out of here. - Take it to the usual place?

No, he's been ripping me off for storage. Take it to dominick's.

Consider it done, doc.

- Hi, Cindy. - Hi, Dr. Kipp.

Move move move.

Cindy, wait up.

We've got a patient losing a lot of blood.

I'm here, I'm here. What do you got?

I think she's got a laceration in the brachial artery.

All right, let me have a look.

Okay, guys, let's bring her in here.

Oh, shit! Hey, doc!

Oh my god. Cynthia, get me a suture tray.

Crosspatch her and get her stabilized right away. Quick!

Okay, guys, I'm gonna need you to help me. Get some gloves on, please.

Quick quick quick! Let's get moving!

Okay, what was her b.p. On the way here?

- It was 70/50. - How much blood do you think she's lost?

- At least 1500cc. - We better hurry up on that crosspatch, quick.

Give me my tools. And I need some sponges.

- Where the hell are my sutures? - Right here, right here.

Good, suture. Okay, more, more sponge, please.

- How's that? - Thank you, good.

- I need to see what I'm doing. - Got the loops.

- No, I don't need them. - How can you see without magnification?

I don't need them. I can see just fine.

Little bit more. Hold it.

Okay, a little bit more.

Jesus Christ, that was amazing.

I've never seen anything like that.

Get her on some ancef.

Well, you're a little testy, but you got the job done, Dr. Lee.

Oh hey, guys, guys.

Can you do me a favor and take this guy over to general?

- He's dead. - Yeah.

He's been dead for a while.

Yeah, my buddy from General sent him over here.

I sent him back, then he sent him back over here.

It's been going on for a couple of days.

So you guys think it's funny to send a dead body

back and forth from hospital to hospital?

Yeah. That's the whole point.

Yeah sure, okay.

- Thanks. - No problem.

Uh... Ahem.

So, Gail, I got your workup back from the lab.

Is this your husband?

No, we just met in the waiting room a few minutes ago,

but who knows? Maybe one day I'll be her husband.

Oh, you're so sweet!

Well, see, I've got some medical information to discuss with Gail,

so if you could, um...

Oh, can't he stay?

I think this is something you might want to hear in private.

Hey, you know, whatever it is...

I think we should hear it together.

You're so sweet!

So, the deal is you have herpes iII,

some genital warts and a touch of chlamydia.

Oh. Okay...

Uh, well, I was with my mom in the waiting room.

She was having a cast put on her leg.

So I should probably go check on her.

Sorry.

I just need a hug, doctor.

I just need a hug.

I'm gonna get a nurse. Stay in this room.

- Doc? - Yeah?

You've gotta help me change my shit bag. It's stuck.

Okay.

Let me just have a little look here, okay?

All we gotta do is just...

Pull the tabs.

I need a little help here.

I had a small accident.

- Dale. - That's nice work, buddy.

- Can you help me out? - No.

Need a little help.

I've been shit on.

This is not my shit. Someone shit on me.

It's mexican food.

It's very spicy. It's very spicy on my eyes. I'll be right back.

What's with the cooler and the camera?

Well, it's a surprise. You'll find out soon enough.

- Come on. - You set the rules.

You said the date had to happen in the hospital

while we were both working. I've satisfied both requirements.

That's all you need to know.

Oh good, there's a bed over here.

We can set up right across from him.

- Set up for what? - It's Friday night.

Intensive care, bed 205.

We're gonna catch a ghost.

We can set up the equipment here...

Pull this curtain and it'll make for a nice headquarters.

Good plan. If it is a ghost,

they'll never think to look for us behind a curtain.

Come on.

Well, for your information,

ghosts are really sort of unaware of their surroundings.

They just sort of stare off into the distance in a trance.

Okay.

I'll set up the video camera then.

Okay, I'll set up the food.

- You brought food? - Yeah.

It's a date, remember?

Uh, do you want white or red?

I thought we were just gonna stake out the bed

to see what was killing those patients?

Yeah, well, we are,

but we don't have to do it sober.

Okay.

White.

Okay.

( cork pops )

Do you remember the other day

when you told me that you had me figured out?

Yeah.

Well, I've been doing some thinking,

and I think that I've got you figured out.

( chuckles )

- Really? - Yeah.

You're full of shit, you know that?

Excuse me?

If you want something, you just gotta ask for it.

Can I kiss you?

No.

( knock on door )

Exam room six.

No no no!

Yeah yeah yeah, fine fine.

You're welcome.

Okay, I'm going to need to get some tests

and for that I need a urine, blood and stool sample.

What?

I need to get a urine, blood and stool sample.

What?

I need to get a urine, blood and stool sample!

- Ehat?! - She needs a pair of your underwear!

Ooh...

Okay, let's check out that itching and discharge you've been having.

- ( moaning ) - How's that feel?

That feels great!

But the discharge is in my ear.

( laughing )

Oh no, don't go. Come back!

( alarm beeping )

( vacuum cleaner roaring )

Sarah! Sarah, the ghost!

Oh my god! His life support's off.

Jesus Christ.

Ma'am, you've just unplugged this man's life support.

( speaking foreign language )

- What kind of language is this? - I don't know.

No, ma'am, no unplug-y machine-y.

No speak english.

Oh really?

Doctor Kipp.

I think she wants us to see Dr. Kipp.

Well, he'll be in his office.

- It's 4:00 in the morning. - He's always here.

- Dr. Kipp, ya! - Okay, yeah, Dr. Kipp.

Okay, we go see Dr. Kipp.

Okay, come on. We go see Dr. Kipp

because you're a murderer.

( blues music playing )

Hi, sarah. What's going on?

Gina, pulling kind of a long shift, aren't you?

Oh, I'm off the clock.

Who is it? Oh, Marina.

You've got some friends with you.

Come on in, we were having some ice wine.

Dr. Kipp. ( speaks foreign language )

Oh, what's the problem?

This woman here, this murderer, Marina,

has been unplugging the life support system

to plug in her floor polisher.

( speaks foreign language )

Oh!

( speaks foreign language )

Wait wait, you understood her?

Of course, I understood her. I don't hire people I don't understand.

I go to the Ukraine a couple of times a year,

bring back a dozen of them, help them get their landed immigrant status.

Go back, get a dozen more.

Call it an internship for cleaning ladies.

- Ah. - She knows what she did wrong.

Can't bring back the dead.

So let's have some ice wine.

She understood that, didn't she?

You're gonna take a left. It's gonna be okay.

Right down here, take a left.

- Good luck. - Okay. Thank you, Dr. Balls.

- Dr. Balls. - Thank you.

Mike: By midterm I could run an i.v. In three seconds flat.

But thanks to the disorganization at St. Al's,

finding my classes was still a real challenge.

430...

You want fries with that? ( laughs )

this is John Doe V.

Since we were unable to identify a next of kin,

we asked John if he wouldn't mind being cut up

by a bunch of interns.

Well, he didn't say no.

What we do in this class

is kind of like "C.S.I."

You kids like that show?

I love it.

I mean, since "Quincy" got pulled off the air,

there's really nothing that a dedicated pathologist like myself

can really sink his teeth into.

( all gasp )

( cracks )

We're gonna figure out what killed John Doe V today.

It may very well have been my scalpel.

And we're gonna start with Msssssssss...

- Dowd. - No, it's Towers.

Check for bruising and trauma.

Very good, Ms. Charles.

- No, it's Towers. - Are you challenging me, Ms. Powers Towers?

I'm the teacher here. He has no trauma.

♪ Yes, he has no trauma ♪

♪ He has no trauma today... ♪

Big finish-- ♪ Today ♪ Blackout-- ♪ Today. ♪

Blackout.

Next. Mssss...

( buzzes )

China.

- Me? - Yes, you.

Miss China-Full-of Eastern-Promise,

Miss China-- You!

It's Lee. Christine Lee.

Very good, Miss Chrissie Lee.

I want to hang you from my rearview mirror like a car freshener.

Check the body for stab, gunshot and puncture wounds.

No stab...

And no gunshot.

What kind of puncture wounds, Miss Cree-Lee-Lee--

if that's your real name!

Syringe wounds which would indicate

possible drug overdose.

That's what I thought you meant.

No track marks! Ha ha!

Next, Mr....

Banister Wood.

- Bonnert. - Yes.

Check for myocardial infarction?

Very good. And how do we check for that?

- By cutting open the chest. - Very good, Mr. Woodbone!

Step this way. Come on, come on, come on.

Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

Shut the door, what's the score, dinosaur?

Do think I look Amish?

You know, with my hair like...

- Very good, Mr. Bigbone! - forget it.

Now, prove your worth.

I really don't think that I'm the right person to do this.

What are you talking about? You've got the bone saw, you've the scalpel,

you've got the meat apron. You wanna be a doctor, right?

- You look like the right guy to me. - I'd be happy to do it.

Cool it, Miss M.S.G. Let Doogie have a go.

Now, this procedure is excellent practice

for those of you who wish to become hotshot cardiac surgeons.

The big cash cow for cardiac surgeons

is the bypass operation, or c.a.b.g.

( sniffs ) Each of you will perform this procedure

at least once in this class.

Good good good.

Replace your tool.

Hey, um,..

- The spreader. - Yes.

Spread 'em.

( sloshing )

( crunching )

Well, someone pushed a little hard on the chest, didn't they?

- Ew! - Gross.

Now, it looks like this stiff is ruined.

So wire the sternum shut, stitch him up,

run him up the flagpole, see who salutes him.

While we're waiting for Mr. Butterfield to finish,

what do you say we play a little game of "Brussels Sprout Boy"?

You know, where you rearrange all the parts

and stick 'em back on to come up with a new figure to play with.

- ( humming ) - ( sawing )

( gasps )

There.

Ping.

Now, where shall I sew this nose back on

for maximum comic effect?

Any suggestions?

Right, the forehead it is, then.

Dr. Keller,

we finally got a response on those pics of John Doe V,

and the family are here to identify the body

and take the remains to a funeral home.

Hey, Bonnert.

I heard about your little accident in pathology.

You know, I don't know what's worse:

puking in some corpse's chest or telling the wrong family

that their loved ones are dead.

You know, if by some miracle

you manage to graduate-- and I really doubt that--

you might want to consider setting up a private practice

in a Christian Science community

where a man of your talents would really be appreciated.

Have a nice day.

Gee, that guy's a bastard.

Yep, but he really seems to have it in for you, Mike.

No no, he is right.

I am not cut out for being a doctor.

Would you quit your moping, please?

All you need is a good night out with some friends to take your mind off of this.

Dale's right. We should go out tonight.

Listen to Dale. It'll be good for you.

- ( dance music playing ) - ( crowd cheering )

This is incredible. Dale, this was a brilliant idea.

Look at this. This is horrible!

It totally objectifies women.

Christine, let me tell you something, all right?

Men walk in here with their pockets full of cash

and walk out totally broke just to look at some ass.

Who's really being objectified here?

That's not what objectified means.

I'm not talking about the book version of objectified.

I'm talking about the street version.

Emcee: All right, lady lovers!

Get your hands out of your pants and put 'em together

for Naughty Nurse Tawny.

Hey hey hey, that's Mitzi.

- No no, that's Tawny. - Holy shit!

Dale: How come you and the other nurses

don't wear outfits like that?

Maybe because we're not all naughty stripping nurses.

Mira: I had no idea she had such a good body.

What the hell is she doing?

Yeah, and why the hell would she call herself Tawny?

Mitzi's a perfectly good stripper name.

We should go. If she knows we're here she'll get really embarrassed.

She doesn't look too shy to me.

Hi, Mitzi.

Hey hey.

Hey. Why does this keep happening?

You know, are you guys just out to embarrass me?

I mean, first in the lab class with the sperm in my mouth,

- and now this? - No.

No, we didn't even know that you...

Ugh!

You know what? I don't have two rich doctors as parents.

And I am not some brainiac like Christine

cruising through on a fat scholarship.

I have to actually work to pay for med school.

What are you doing?

I know there is nothing that I could--

Hello, move along, please--

there is nothing that I can say to you

to prove to you that I am not trying to embarrass you.

So maybe if I embarrassed myself,

maybe you would realize I would never do anything

to hurt you in any way,

and that so far

up until now

everything has just been a big ridiculous mistake.

Well, you didn't take your underwear off.

You want me to take off my underwear?

Not here.

Oh.

♪ You've got the guns and I've got the holster, baby... ♪

( crowd continues cheering )

Yeah, baby, baby! Ow!

Mira: I think Mitzi was much better than this girl.

Yeah, she doesn't know anything about working the pole.

What do you know about working the pole?

You know, what I want to know about the pole

is who cleans them. I mean, seriously,

these girls go up and down these things like, well, snails.

I mean, it can't be hygienic.

And what about stuffing that money in their crotches.

Everyone knows money is a known disease carrier.

You know what? You two are really killing the mood here, okay?

I came to see naked women, not talk about the science of vaginas.

- We are all doctors. - Yes, we are doctors.

But we're also men and women, and we deserve to get freaky when we like to.

So I'll tell you what,

you saw how I put that money in that last girl's g-string?

I will buy this round and the next round

if you put this money in her g-string.

You guys think I'm a real wuss, don't you?

You could stand to loosen up a little bit. Come on, live a little.

Oh yeah? All right.

What the hell?

That loose enough for you guys?

Yeah, loose enough to get us kicked outta here.

Sorry sorry, that was a reflex action.

She thought she was swiping an A.T.M.

Just take this money, please.

Give me some more of these and I'll let you shove your whole fist in my ass.

- Oh, nasty! - I'm outta here!

Time to go.

- Hey. - Hi.

Wow. What is this?

- It's an Ever Pink. - Oh.

( choking )

What's in that?

Pink lemonade and grain alcohol.

It was probably that grain I tasted.

So did the pole come with the apartment?

Actually, no. I was dating a construction contractor.

We met at the club.

So for my birthday, he had it installed

so I could do shows for him and his friends.

Then we broke up and I got to keep the pole.

Well, that's cool.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Oh...

I don't really see very well without my glasses.

So you-you weren't kidding.

You really are a Malibu Mindy fan.

Yeah, do you watch it?

- Yeah. - Did you see the one

when they were playing for the firefighters?

Yeah. The malibu fire? Of course, I did.

♪ So hot, gotta cool down ♪

♪ Santa anas spreading the flames around. ♪

Yeah.

They're good.

I love Malibu Mindy.

She's so sweet and innocent.

Well, that's exactly how I see you, actually.

That's exactly how I try to be.

Oh!

( both moaning )

- Mike? - Yeah?

What you got in there?

It's just some keys, I think. Maybe some lip balm.

- Hmm. - No, oh!

Oh that? Don't make fun.

Are you kidding me?

Get these pants off! Let me see this thing!

- Huh? - ( both grunting )

Oh my-- Oh my god.

You think I'm a freak.

Well, yeah, definitely.

A superfreak.

But in a good way.

In a very good way.

Oh.

Hey hey hey hey! Don't-don't you think

that we should just, you know, maybe talk a little bit more?

Mike: Working through Christmas really sucks.

But if you have to do it,

there's no better place in the world

than the emergency room at St. Albert's.

What's up, sister? You don't feel like partying tonight?

- No, I'm having a good time. - You could have fooled me.

Marlon, a girl doesn't have to be drunk to have fun.

You know, that may be true in some cases,

but with you, you actually do need to be drunk to have a good time.

Come on, drink it up.

Why does everybody want me to drink?

You're like the fifth person that's tried to get me to drink tonight.

- I don't understand it. - Listen to me carefully.

I had to line up with Dr. Turner.

That fool's breath is ferocious, please.

All right, just give it to me.

That's what I'm talking about.

See, don't be afraid of your inner freak.

- Embrace it. - You happy?

- Here. - Wow.

Oh my god.

Dale, this is a Cartier watch.

Yeah.

What are you doing? Why are you giving me this?

You don't like it? The girl at the store said that you'd like it.

Oh, I like it. Um...

Are you trying to tell me something?

Merry Christmas.

- Yup. - That's what I'm talking about.

- I'm happy. - I know.

I'm gonna get rid of this.

You don't need that, but you need to dance

to burn them carbs up you just consumed, right?

- I love to dance. - I love to dance, too.

You're tall. What just happened?

- I'm wearing heels. - Oh, they're nice. Keep those on, okay?

( feedback )

Happy holidays. For those of you who don't know me,

I'm Dr. Cyril Kipp, the hospital administrator.

I was just sitting here having some punch,

listening to the Christmas carols,

most notably "Good King Wenceslas," who according to the song

was having a find old time at his Feast of Stephen.

I couldn't help but think, "when is St. Al's gonna have their Feast of Stephen?"

- Man: Yeah, when? - Well,

it won't be this year, I can assure you.

Stephen's not even in the same zip code as us right now.

But Christmas is a time of Miracles,

and maybe, just maybe, someone up there will find a way

to help me to keep the doors open

at St. Al's one more year.

But I wouldn't bank on it. Go ahead, tim.

Merry Christmas and god bless us-- everyone.

( faint applause )

( feedback )

Ahem.

Thank you, Dr. Kipp,

for your usual uplifting Christmas message.

Fortunately, we have the Jimmy Chin Trio here

with us again this year

to help us out of Dr. Kipp's pit of despair.

- You all know Dr. Jimmy Chin. - Man: all right, jimmy!

And back again this year on bass,

Dr. Stanley Gilbreath.

And for a very limited engagement, I'm sorry to say,

from intensive care,

welcome, please, Dr. Harvey Yazmian.

The patient says,

"Uh, doctor, I don't think that's right."

I said, "Well, what would make you think that?"

He says, "I don't know. Just call it intuition

- Or... a hunch." - ( all laugh )

Look, I would stack my years of training

and experiences against your hunches any day.

I think it's very important for patients

to express their feelings to their doctors.

And do you have a medical basis for that statement, doctor?

I'm sorry, I keep forgetting.

You're not a doctor yet.

That might be so,

but we all have a sense of our own bodies,

of our own health.

If we sense something's wrong, something's off,

it's very important to express that to your doctor.

If you're doctor's saying something that doesn't make sense,

- Then you should question him. - Ah.

Well, you know this happens every once in a while

that some smart-ass little intern comes along

and expect us doctors to stop and listen.

Well, I don't play it that way.

With all due respect, young lady,

you are full of shit. Mm-hmm.

Now, if you should ever graduate and become a doctor,

and you should spend the hours that I've spent with patients,

then you can come and talk to me.

I will graduate and I will spend more time with my patients than you ever have.

But I will never come talk to you about anything, you pompous ass!

- Oh, she wants me. - ( laughing )

Hey, toots.

( giggles ) How're you doin'?

Thank you very much. That's very nice.

Thank you very much.

♪ ...laughing all the way ♪

♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪

♪ Making spirits bright ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to dance and sing... ♪

I'd like two more, please.

Thank you.

- Merry Christmas. - ( crowd laughing )

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh, hey! ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way... ♪

I brought you something.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Merry Christmas.

Ahh...

So... Ahem...

What else you got?

What else do you want?

Well, if you're gonna make me beg,

you can forget it.

Whoa whoa whoa, slow your roll.

( both laugh )

Get out of the way, damn it!

- Should we get in the hot tub? - Oh yeah.

- Will it make me wet. - We're getting wet.

Should we get in the hot tub? Oh.

Hey, come on in. The water's perfect.

Sorry, Dr. Kipp. We didn't mean to interrupt you guys.

Don't be ridiculous.

Better get in while you can.

I sold all these tubs. This one's going to the Philippines tomorrow.

What the fuck? It's Christmas!

That's the spirit!

Well well well...

( "Joy to the World" playing )

- Go! - ( men cheering )

Nice ass, baby!

Hey, listen, Mike. There's something I gotta tell you.

- What? - It's regard--

Hey hey, check it out.

Yeah, baby, right there! You know how to party!

- It looks like someone is really loosening up. - Yeah, no shit.

Hey!

Come and get me, boys!

Hey, Christine! Hi!

Okay, yeah.

- Hey, Dale. - Hey, whoa whoa...

My eyes are up here, come on.

- Hello. - Hello.

Okay, yeah, you're in red.

- I am. - Okay, that is a bite.

- That's a-- - Whoo!

Why don't you go and see Dale?

- Go see Mike. - Dale.

- Why don't you go and see Dale? - Okay, boys, show's over.

Hey, girls! Hey, leave me alone!

- I wanna dance! - You've danced enough tonight, sweetie.

Bye, guys!

- Damn it! - That was awesome!

It was.

No no no, there actually was a St. Albert.

He lived between 1200 and 1280 A.D.

He was declared a saint of natural science by Pope Pius XII.

He was called "The Universal Doctor,"

and "Albert the Great."

And he taught St. Thomas Aquinas.

( laughing )

- ( snorts ) - Okay, you win.

- Your turn. - Do I get to do it?

- Oh-oh. - I can?

- Do it. - ( mimics alarm )

Dive dive dive!

Oh, my head is killing me.

You've gotta give it about 10 minutes and it'll start to rehydrate your system.

I'm feeling it already.

- Hey, guys. - ( clears throat )

Hey, party girl. Did you get loosened up last night?

Shut up, Marlon. I don't wanna talk about it.

Uh, so Christine, did you end up going to midnight mass?

- Dale. - What?

Look, I don't wanna talk about it and I don't wanna hear about it.

All right? I feel humiliated enough as it is.

- What are you guys talking about? - Christine got a little drunk.

Oh and what?

You stumbled into the men's room?

You put your shoes on the wrong feet? You kicked a kitten?

Tell me you didn't kick a kitten!

I took off all of my clothes, all right?

You took off all your clothes?

She didn't take off all her clothes.

She still had a g-string thing on.

- and a very pretty bra. - Yeah.

So let me get this straight.

I do all the work, and they get to see the stripper show?

- Shut up, Marlon. - No, see, that just ain't right.

They benefit from the fruits of my labor.

- I said shut up! - Come on, let me get a little peek at your titties.

Fuck off, Marlon!

- Jesus, Marlon. - You are such a pig.

That's not unreasonable.

Oh, I guess I should go with the girls.

I think you really upset Christine, Marlon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But tell me, what were her titties like?

They were fantastic!

Mike: The days became nights and the nights became weeks

and the weeks became months,

and we all became very very tired.

♪ I'm in charge, I'm only doing what I want ♪

♪ Working my way down from the top... ♪

Show time.

♪ It's not exactly what I ♪

♪ I had in mind ♪

♪ I'd make some plans, but I ♪

♪ I don't have time ♪

♪ This is life such as it is ♪

♪ It's a coke without the fizz ♪

♪ Wake me when it's over... ♪

Exam room four.

♪ It's what's making me sick ♪

♪ Wake me when it's over... ♪

( gasps )

♪ Will I complain if nobody listens? ♪

♪ I'll keep my problems to myself... ♪

- exam room five. - Yes, fine, okay, I'm coming.

♪ I've got this pain from everything I'm missin'... ♪

I need someone to look at my breasts.

♪ Exactly what I, I had in mind ♪

♪ I'd make some plans, but I don't have time ♪

♪ This is life such as it is ♪

♪ It's a coke without the fizz ♪

Out of the way! I'm very tired.

Very tired.

Bonnert!

Out of the way! Come on!

♪ This is life such as it is... ♪

Salt.

Salt.

All right, ladies, time to rise and shine.

I've got an 80-year-old woman with a bowel problem,

a 50-year-old homeless man suffering from exposure,

and uh... Oh,

a 26-year-old lawyer who took too much viagra

and has an erection that won't go down.

All: I got the erection!

Hey.

There's an empty bed in here.

- What? - Come here.

Oh!

What's the deal with him?

Oh, don't worry about Mr. Reynolds.

He's been in a coma for two years.

Hold on.

I have to tell you something.

Oh, Jesus, you're not pregnant, are you?

Thank you for that tender sentiment.

No, I'm not pregnant.

I got the job in Kenya.

Oh.

Wow.

Uh, when do you go?

Well, I didn't take it yet.

Why not?

Well, you'd be here and I'd be there.

You mean, you wouldn't go because of me?

Well... yeah.

Maybe.

I don't know-- that's stupid.

I don't know why you'd give up what you want

because of some guy.

What did you think was happening here?

Did you not think it was going anywhere?

Well, yeah,

but I didn't think you'd flush everything

just to hang out with me.

He's fine.

Dale, maybe-- Okay--

maybe you don't realize this,

but sometimes people have to make sacrifices

so that they can be with the people they love.

You love me?

Oh...

Did you hear that? She said she loves me.

No, I didn't. I was...

Speaking in a hypothetical situation.

Holy shit, you love me!

Dale, stop it. I di--

No, I may have thought that I did,

but clearly I was deluding myself

because how could I possibly be in love with someone

who has no concept about what love is?

I don't know. You're the one who loves me.

Right. You're a dick.

No, okay okay, come here.

Let's just say, all right, like

hypothetically,

that I feel the same about you

even though I have no concept of what that means.

Are you saying you love me?

- Yeah, I guess so. - Well, then say it.

Right in front of Mr. Reynolds?

- Okay-- - Okay.

I love you, okay?

Mike: I don't know the medical term for cabin fever,

but by the time spring rolled around

we were all starting to show symptoms.

Okay, all right, all right.

Would you rather have sex with Dr. Kipp or Dr. Olson?

- Dr. Kipp. - Hmm.

- How about you? - Oh, definitely Kipp.

Only because Olson would say I'm doing it wrong.

What about you?

Well, if I was pitching, probably Dr. Kipp,

and if I was catching, Dr. Olson.

- Interesting. - Okay, how about this?

Would you rather lick Dr. Olson's ass

or eat broken glass?

How much glass?

I don't know, like eight ounces.

Whoa whoa, does she just have to lick the cheek

or go all the way inside?

No no no, she's gotta go all the way inside-- toss salad.

- Oh, good call. - Is it clean?

Well, it will be when you're done, ass licker.

I hate to interrupt, but I've got an 80-year-old man

with a really bad infection in his ingrown toenail.

Who wants it?

It can't be any worse than hanging out with these guys.

- Good luck, Mira. - See ya.

You son of a bitch. Here's your five bucks.

I can't believe you made her take three patients in a row.

- Psychology, Mike. It's the hidden hand. - Huh.

How come we gotta take the organs to pathology class?

Probably because you made fun of Dr. Keller's notation system.

I'm sorry, referring to the atria as the a-hole

and then saying the main vein pumps into the a-hole.

- Come on. - I don't understand why women like that, you know?

Come on, man, we don't need to hear about your sex life, all right?

I probably didn't need to say that.

Hey, are these human organs we're getting?

- Yeah. - Where do they get these things from?

From all the John and Jane Does that come into St. Al's.

I thought they're supposed to use that for organ donation.

No no no, by the time the bodies get here

they've been dead so long that the organs aren't good anymore.

Hey, I found the stuff we're looking for,

but we're gonna need some sort of cart to put this all on.

There's one right here. Give me a hand,

- We'll move this guy. - That's taken, man.

There's a body on there. I ain't touching that.

Fine. Mike, you help me. Move his head.

Oh, jeez.

We can lean him up against the wall over there.

This guy really stinks.

You know, that's wrong. We should not be moving that body.

Come on, guys. Don't do that.

Put him back.

- Hey, Mike, unlock that wheel. - Yeah.

That's just wrong, man. Don't you have any respect?

What do you care? He's dead.

I care because every time you mess around,

we end up having to take a trip to cold storage

- To pick up some organs. - So now I'm a bad influence on you and Mike, am I?

I'm just saying, man, you don't take anything seriously, or try,

or care that some of us have to work twice as hard.

Oh, which ones of us? The black ones?

Yeah, that's right. You don't seem to realize

how hard it is just to get the same opportunities.

What opportunities aren't you getting?

We're all in the same lame-ass hospital doing the same shitty work.

Work! The only work you do in this place

is try to hit on every woman to see if you can get some.

I mean, first, Mitzi blows you--

What?

Mitzi blew you?

Jesus, Marlon.

Listen, Mike, it happened way before you guys were going out.

Mike, man, I thought Dale told you, that's all.

Marlon, you just stay out of this!

Mike, she had sperm in her mouth in lab class.

- What do you think happened? - I don't know.

I'm a little surprised you didn't tell me this, Dale.

Let's clean this stuff up and go upstairs.

You want something to clean up?

Here-- ugh--

clean this up!

Mike, chill out, all right?

And you! You are an asshole!

Now it's on!

Jesus, Mike, what are you doing?

Yeah?

- Son of a bitch! - Stop being an asshole!

You should have just told him the truth.

Two against one!

You're with me, pal.

- You like that? - It wouldn't have come as--

- ( body thuds ) - ( knock on door )

Come in, gentlemen.

Have a seat.

Dad?

Hi, Mike.

Go ahead. Sit down, Mike.

The willful destruction of human organs

by interns is very nearly inconceivable to me.

The only appropriate punishment is expulsion

from the internship program.

- What? - Whoa whoa whoa, sir,

if there's any damage that we can pay for, we will.

Well, it's not the money. These organs represent valuable research tools

that were harvested over 30 years from John and Jane Doe cadavers.

Now they're gone.

Hey, what is he doing here?

Huh?

Well, Mike, obviously the--

I'll-- let me. I'll talk.

Mike, I'm your father.

I'm here...

To talk...

To you about... The consequence--

I'm sorry, I can't talk. Very embarrassing.

I wonder if you would give me a few seconds to talk to my boy.

- Oh my god. - Sure.

Yeah, no problem.

- I'll go out and have a... - Not you, not you.

Stay here. Stay.

I appreciate it. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Hey hey.

This is all my fault, Dr. Kipp.

I was the one that started the whole thing.

Well, Mike, I respect and understand the loyalty

you have for your friends,

but I think you're making a big mistake.

- Listen, Mike-- - No, what are you doing here?

- I'm not doing anything. - Yes, you are.

- What did you say to him? - I didn't say anything.

I'm just here because I'm your father, okay?

- I'm a little upset. - Yeah, I know that.

I'm upset, Mike!

What is that look? You prefer I wasn't here?

Yes, I would prefer that you're not here.

Maybe the two of you would just like to sort this out alone. Fine.

( door opens, shuts )

What's going on here?

Now you listen carefully. You're going down for this--

all three of you! And there's nothing anybody can do about it,

- Including me. - Look, things got out of hand.

- Yeah, there was a girl involved-- - I don't care about that.

You wanna sacrifice my son along with yourselves?

Do it, do it. Go ahead, I don't care. It's your choice.

You can do the right thing,

And you could still have a career in medicine after this.

A professional career. I'm a powerful and influential man.

You look in my eyes and you'll see that I can do it.

I can make it happen. You understand me?

Mike, you gotta understand what your dad's going through. I mean,

parenting is a-- it's a--

it's a rough gig.

It's a responsibility I never wanted.

That's why I never got married.

I guess, to kind of avoid episodes like this.

( knocks ) Kipp,

I believe these gentlemen have something to say to you. Gentlemen...

( sighs ) Mike had nothing to do with it. It was just me and Marlon.

Yeah, it was all our fault.

What are you guys doing?

Well, it's regrettable in the light of your potential

and the fact that we had some good times, didn't we?

That's decent. Very decent.

Hey. Look into my eyes, little man.

Yeah, and you'll see that we'll never accept your offer.

- I don't know--- - 'Cause we might never be doctors,

- but we'll always be men. - Good.

Yeah, proud, unemployed...

Tall men.

- ( chuckles ) - No, guys.

You guys do not have to do this.

Sorry, I've got this whole thing under control.

Listen, Marlon, Dale, you are not taking the fall for this.

There's no point in all of us getting kicked out, Mike.

- Look, I can fix this-- - Hey, don't blow this.

I don't know what you did in there--

what I did in there was I saved your ass.

How? By buying people off as you always do?

I would do worse than that. I would do way worse than that

to make sure this was okay. I'm your father, I love you.

I would do anything-- anything at all

to make sure that you become a doctor.

You know what?

You have really helped me out here.

Because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.

But thanks to your little ridiculous show,

yeah, it has made a few things very clear.

Mike, listen listen. Mike--

Dr. Kipp, I quit.

- What? - Yeah, and I just wanted you to know.

Well, you're not getting this check back.

The sale of those x-ray machines is final.

It's a check. I just have to stop payment, you moron.

Is there no honor in the world anymore?

They can't kick you out for that.

Can't you guys appeal?

Dr. Kipp is the final court of appeal.

Hey. Hi.

I just quit.

- You quit? - Yeah.

I-- I was just listening to my dad

and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to do any of this,

and I-I quit. I just quit.

Your dad covered for you nicely.

I wish my dad would do that for me.

No no no, you don't.

You're right. Your dad is a douche bag.

So what do you wanna do first? Go get drunk or register for welfare?

Um, what about getting laid?

I'll take all three of you on right now.

- What? - All right, you too.

But that's it, four is my limit.

Jesus, Mitzi! What?

I'm kidding! Jeez!

I don't know why you guys are being so serious.

Okay, the three of you got kicked out. Big deal.

Actually, I guess...

It is a lot of money to get this far.

And six years of your life is a long time,

so I guess it is a big deal.

I'm sorry, I didn't-- I didn't really think that through.

Thanks for joining the party, Mitzi.

Hey, I need you guys in E.R.

There's a 76-car pileup, freeway's closed.

No other doctors can get here. Let's move, go.

Please please, somebody's gotta help me!

My son is unconscious and he's not moving.

- Where's your kid? - He's over here.

Okay, everybody, calm down. Calm down.

I cannot have people running all over the place.

I'm gonna set up a triage system here.

Please take a seat. We'll get to you as soon as we can. What?

We've already had two stat patients we sent to the O.R.

Dr. Olson went with them. We only have one anesthesiologist.

It's okay. Mike, Marlon, Dale, go up to O.R. Help Dr. Olson.

Sarah, go with them too. They're gonna need extra nurses.

This kid has a pulse of 118, b.p. 60/40,

and a six-inch gash over his head.

Possible skull fracture, maybe a subdural.

Get him up to O.R. Christine, Mitzi, stay with me.

I'm gonna need doctors down here.

- Take her. - No!

- Somebody help me with this gurney! - Got it.

Easy easy.

Okay, you guys. Come on, move it. Let's go!

- Marlon, how's he doing? - I lost his pulse.

- What?! - I got it.

Let's go. Let's get him in the O.R.

- One, two, three, four, five... - Come on, let's do it!

- Keep breathing! - Somebody get the door.

No pulse yet. Come on, Mira, let's do it.

- One, two, three, four, five. - Keep on it!

One, two, three, four, five.

- One, two, three, four, five. - Got it?

- Easy, guys. - Get the hell outta here!

This kid coded getting off the elevator.

- I got a pulse. - His abdominal tap is positive.

You and you, you're with me.

The rest of you, take that kid into O.R. two and do what you can for him.

What are you waiting for? Go go go!

Okay, let's get him on the table.

- Okay, ready? - Yeah yeah.

On three-- one, two, three.

Thank you.

Let's get him hooked up to an e.k.g.

- Okay. - White is right.

What about black? Black is beautiful.

We'll talk about this later.

All right, we'll go scrub up.

- Okay, bag him. - Yup yup.

Start prepping. Are you getting set up?

We need the anesthesiologist in here right away!

All right, go in and start 'em, but come back.

B.P. 60/40 and falling.

All right, back on him and more volume.

Okay, come on, will you?

We've got to find out where this bleeding is coming from.

Looks like it's at the apex of the pulmonary artery.

Oh yeah.

Very good, Mr. Dodd. Clamp that, Mr. Bonnert. Clamp it.

Thanks. I think you did it.

Very nice.

Very nice.

He stopped breathing.

There, he's breathing again.

You can thank Dr. Kipp for the machines around here.

He's always been really nice to me.

So where do you guys wanna start? Head or the abdomen?

- Abdomen. - Head.

- Abdomen. - Head. Marlon,

you take the abdomen and I'll take the head.

Fine.

All right, close him up and get him down to recovery.

Then go downstairs to see if there are any more candidates for surgery.

I'm gonna go next door to O.R. two

to see if I can be of any help there.

Thank you, Terry. Okay, what have we got here?

I was gonna do an x-ray to check for a subdural.

All right, good, and what's this?

Ruptured spleen-- managed to stop the bleeding, about to take it out.

So let's see.

We have no x-rays, but we have cat scans.

Interesting.

And I see from these cat scans

that he also has a brain tumor and he's 65 years old.

All right, get these outta here. They belong to somebody else.

Okay, let's take some pictures of this kid

and see what we got.

Anyone who wants to have babies,

going on alert, behind the screens.

Let's go. Marlon, you too. Come on, move it.

Anybody? Lots of internal injuries,

spinal precautions. Mitzi, go take care of it.

Got anyone else for surgery?

Yes, compound fracture, major bleeding,

tied up, but he's gonna lose his leg...

Lose his leg? You gotta save his leg!

- Calm down. - He's a football player!

He'll be fine. He'll be fine.

So all you gotta do is ask your father.

Holy Moses!

- What the hell happened here? - It's a 76-car pileup, sir.

Why are they bringing them here? Why can't they bring them to General?

It's a good thing you're here. We need all the doctors we can get.

I'm not a doctor.

What are you talking about? You're Dr. Cyril Kipp.

Well, I'm a doctor like Dr. Phil's a doctor, for christ's sake.

I have a PhD in hospital administration.

I hired half of you, so I know you'll do a good job.

Carry on, fellas. Carol.

Dr. Phil's not a real doctor?

It's what we thought.

Ma'am, you've got a pneumothorax.

Can you give that to me in English?

A collapsed lung.

Am I gonna die?

Well, there is a 7.5% chance of all cases

of a pneumothorax that you will die.

No, you're not gonna die. It's a minor procedure,

we can do that right here in E.R.

Did somebody say pneumothorax?

I got a head wound out here scaring the shit out of patients.

I need somebody to stitch him up. Now.

Okay, you do the chest tube, I'll do the bleeder.

You're gonna be fine.

- I'll retract and cauterize, you cut, okay? - good call.

- What are his vitals? - Pressure's up and I've given him two liters.

Okay, good stuff.

- Whoa, this looks ugly. - Ouch.

- Don't puke in his leg. - Very funny.

I think when that bone cut the artery it must have snapped

right up the leg. That's why they had to belt it so high.

We've got to find it. Give me more exposure.

- Shit! The belt. - give me a clamp.

- give me some sponges. - Here. Here here.

- Clamp. Hold on, here we go. - All right, I got it.

Get the other end, and then we can sew them together.

Do you know how to sew it together?

No.

Get Christine up here right away.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Sure you got it? - Yeah yeah.

- Dale? - Yeah?

I really wanna put some closure on this whole Mitzi thing.

Yeah, okay, fine.

The best way to do that would be for me and you to pray together.

( chuckles ) You're kidding me, right?

Give me your free hand, Dale.

Mike, I'm not gonna pray with you.

Dale, give me your free hand!

Jesus Christ.

Dear God,

don't let Mitzi suck on Dale's dick anymore.

Amen.

Amen.

Holy shit, he was a Sonny Bono?

Guy swerves to avoid the pileup,

head-ons a family coming back from vacation.

The poles were on the roof rack.

- Still ticking. - But his b.p.'s falling steadily.

Not much blood on the outside so he must be leaking pretty good inside.

Another ambulance just arrived with a critical.

Holy crap! Has he still got a pulse?

- Yeah. - Get him up to O.R.

I'll see what we've got in the other ambulance.

- I'll be up after that. - I got it. I got it.

Hey, they need you up in O.R. right away.

- What's up? - You know how to stitch up a severed artery?

Absolutely I do.

All right, sir, you're all set.

A nurse will be by to discharge you, okay?

Will I ever see you again?

( pole clangs )

- Oh... - let's try not to kill this guy just yet.

We still have a pulse.

Okay okay, we'll get him on the table.

You two, go. Scrub up.

- ( siren wails ) - ( tires screech )

- ( vehicle crashes ) - ( horn honking )

Jesus!

- Holy shit! - Oh my god.

Where's Christine? We need her to sew this artery.

I don't know about Christine, but Dr. Olson's on his way up. Maybe he can help you.

We got a guy with a ski pole in his heart, man!

That's why I snowboard, dude.

- What the hell are you doing? - Get him outta here!

- It's Dr. Olson. - Where's Dr. Olson?

- He supposed to help me. - Right here.

He got hit by a car in the ambulance bay.

- He's got internal injuries. - What?

Can you hold this, please?

All right, listen. He's not the only patient in here.

Christine, would you fix this artery, please?

Mitzi, why don't you give her a hand?

Mira, you're the cardiac surgeon. Go work on ski-pole guy.

- Marlon, get us some coffee. - What?

I'm kidding, man. Go help her.

Well, come on, people, let's go!

Moving on, let's go!

- Come on, Mike, let's go scrub up. - Hmm.

- Suction right there. - All right, what's going on?

I had several pages about a heart procedure.

We had a cardiac tamponade, drained it, patched up the hole in the atrium--

Step aside.

- We had to-- - Shh.

All right, who worked on this man?

- I did. Well... - Both: We did.

What the hell is going on here?

We've got interns doing open-heart surgery?

Who authorized this?

- ( high-pitched ) I did. - Who said that?

Dr. Olson, sir.

Dr. Olson, you should probably quiet down.

You really need to save your strength.

Okay, doc.

All right, what are you idiots doing?

There are two patients in that operating room.

That is strictly against procedure.

And where are all the real doctors?

Fuck you! It's been a goddamn war zone in here,

and you come walking in at the last minute

spewing off hospital procedures!

Where were you when we were saving lives? Playing squash?

Now why don't you make yourself useful?

Scrub up, close up this man's chest while we clean up.

Why you arrogant little bitch!

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

- You want to go? - Yeah.

You want a piece of this? Okay, come on.

Come on-- Oh.

Oh my god!

Who do you think you are?

Dr. Mira Towers, cardiac surgeon!

You can't be a cardiac surgeon if you're dead!

Not if you're dead!

Not if you're dead!

Hold him!

Stop them! Get them apart.

Christine: oh my god!

Hold her!

Keep them apart!

♪ True love... ♪

- Dale: oh, god! - Ew...

- ( groans ) - ♪ It's no ordinary love... ♪

Okay, show's over.

♪ It's not pretend ♪

- ♪ And it's really really real ♪ - Sorry.

- ♪ Almost as real as it's true... ♪ - Mitzi.

♪ True love. ♪

This is a wonderful occasion for us all.

Because thanks to the courageous work

of this particular group of interns,

we may be able to keep our doors open a little longer.

( applause )

One of the accident victims in the big pileup,

the guy with the ski pole in his chest,

turned out to be a billionaire.

And he made a large donation to this hospital,

which will enable us to open D wing again

and fill it with brand-new equipment.

So, let's say goodbye

to St. Albert's hospital

and say hello to Microtek

General Hospital, a division of Unicom International.

That Dr. Kipp sure knows how to put a bow

on a story, doesn't he?

Yeah. Dr, Olson,

I was wondering if you had any recollection

of being unconscious in that ambulance bay

after you got hit by that car.

How could I? I was unconscious.

It's just that when I was giving you mouth-to-mouth,

I could have sworn you slipped me the tongue.

That was probably some kind of involuntary muscle spasm.

If you ever feel one of those spasms coming on again,

I'm here for you.

That's good to know.

All right, Whitecoats, the party's over. Come on.

Moving on.

You'll spend the third year of your clinical internship

at St. Al's rotating in intervals

starting here in the E.R., then onto general surgery...

Mike: So we all graduated,

and a new group of interns took our place.

I don't know what happened to them, and I really don't care.

They're nowhere near as good-looking as our group, especially the girls.

Oh, outtakes!

I love outtakes.

- ( all laughing ) - All right, I'm okay.

I'm fine.

It's a miracle!

I don't want them cutting me up.

I'm a doctor.

Oh hi, Sarah. What's going on?

Gina, pulling kind of a long shaft-- Shift.

( crew laughing )

Stay right here,

your stankin' ass.

Hi.

( laughing )

I've been shit on. This is corn relish.

- Very spicy. - ( crew laughing )

Very spicy.

This is not my shit!

Someone else just shit on me.

Just looking for a little help.

Maybe a mop, some hot water and rags.

Oh god, no! You can't let them see me like this!

Please!

- Oh god. - It's my ass!

I've got eight trustees on this board

who would love to sell this hospital tomorrow for real estate.

( barks )

( laughs ) I'm sorry.

( crew laughing )

Man: It looked good, though. Cut cut cut.

Okay, let's try it again.

It's just that when I was giving you mouth-to-mouth,

I thought that you slipped me the tongue.

Oh well, that was probably just

an involuntary muscle spasm.

How do you explain that large hard-on then?

Never mind. Um, I just wanted to let you know

that if you have one of those spasms again

- I'm here for you. - Okay.

Have to change my pants!

Hold on a second. Does she just have to kinda lick the cheek a little,

like... ( pants )

or kind of go all the way... Inside?

Man: Hey, danny, cover up those nips.

No no, not hers, yours.

That could just be fart, I'm not sure.

It might just be fart.

Might not be anything else in there,

just fart.

It might be a bag of fart.

I mean, you could have no mind at all,

just enough brainstem activity to keep your heart and lungs going.

It would still really work for me.

You're about to get another ass-kicking.

Oh, I just came!

I love my job!

We're totally locked up, tim!

Very quiet! Action!

No, that's okay.

I'll do it.

And cutting!

Woman's voice: Help! Get me out of here!

Don't leave the theater with me stuck in here.

Have you no mercy?

Please!