All language subtitles for Spin.City.S02E19.1080p.WEB.H264-DiMEPiECE_track3_[eng]

Anything I need
to know about this
Indian delegation?

first of all, sir,
it's Native American.
Oh.

And everything you need
to know is right here
on these cards.

I've often wondered
if Indian children

played Cowboys and Indians.

I believe they did, sir,

but they call it
"for God's sake,

"would you please
stop killing us?"

Ah! This is an honor,
Chief Awatha.

Or Phil.

This is mayor
Randall Winston.

Pleasure to meet you,
Chief...
Mayor.

Phil.

You know,
I've been studying
a bit of history.

You are descendants
of the Punsee tribe.

That's right,
Mr. Mayor.

You were
a hostile people...

known for
your aggression
towards settlers.

Maybe we should get
to the presentation.
Hmm.

On behalf
of the Punsee nation,

we present this
ceremonial bowl
to the city of New York.

This is beautiful.
Did you find it

When you were searching
for some ancient burial site?

Actually, sir, they
were breaking ground
for a new casino.

Six levels of nickel slots.

You guys are
probably gonna
make enough money

on that deal
to buy back Manhattan.

I'm glad you find the theft
of our land so amusing.

(DOOR SLAMS)

The Punsees are
a humorless people.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Carter, as always,

I appreciate your initiative.

Programming our computers
to automatically replace
the word "black"

with the more
politically correct
"African-American"...

That was...
that's just smart thinking.

Something should have
been done long ago.
MIKE: Yeah.

I'm holding in my hand

one of 1,000 invitations
that went out

for the mayor's press corps
dinner next week.

It's obviously
a formal event, because...

African-American tie
is required.

Oh, no.

I'm wearing a jacket given
to me by Nipsy Russell.

Between this and that
Native American incident,

you gotta watch what
you say around here.

Seems like I'm the only one
not shooting my mouth off,

like some gossipy
hysterical woman. (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna go over
to Chief Phil's,

make sure he wasn't offended.
Anyone wanna come with me?

All right, Carter.
We'll go right
after work.

Why didn't you
pick me, Mike?

I mean,
you never pick me
for anything.

That's not true.
When I was out of town
that week,

who did I have
collect my mail?

James, I'm sure
the only reason
Mike is taking me

is because
I, like the Punsees,

am a member
of an oppressed minority.

Minority?

You're Black
and you're gay.

You cover two-thirds
of the earth's surface.

You're like water.

All right, finally,

we had a little
problem last night

with the number 12 train
to Brooklyn.

Mike, number 12 train
doesn't go to Brooklyn.

Yeah, well, tell that
to Ralph Shindlebeck
out in Flatbush.

The front car
is in his living room.

The post says the
conductor was using drugs.

Let's put it
this way, James.

When the cops showed up,

he was trying
to drag the train

out of the living room
by himself.

Because this conductor
is a city employee,

they're dredging up
that thing that
happened last month

with that guy
from accounting.

He was on drugs?

Yeah, James. His last
quarterly report said

we were four kilos
over budget.

As a preemptive strike,
I have decided

that all of the mayor's staff
should take drug tests.

(ALL MOANING)
Oh, man.

Before we get into this,

Does anybody have
anything that they
would like to confess?

Because believe me,
now is the time.

Okay, I admit it.

I'm on the 'roids.

Is anybody taking
any drugs that
are working?

Hi. I'm Abby Lassiter,
Paul's mother.

Hiya, Ma.
Oh.

Could see the resemblance
in the, uh...

the last name.

I'll get my coat.

Mrs. Lassiter,
so lovely to see you.

You are a vision.

Now, Stuart,
remember our rule?

Ten feet.

I'm all done.

Whoever has to go
to the bathroom next,

just fill out
the proper forms

with this young lady
right here.

Oh, my. Paul said you ran
an efficient office.

Good to see you,
Mrs. Lassiter.
Oh.

And I suppose
congratulations
are in order

on Paul's engagement.

What do you mean?

Yeah, I know. None of us
can believe it either.

Paul, are you engaged?

No! No, I would
never make a life
decision like that

without talking to you.

Mike says you are.

Give me a second.

How on Earth could you
not tell your mother
you're engaged?

Don't let it be that
horrible Claudia woman.

Once again, Chief,
the mayor and I would
like to apologize

for yesterday's unfortunate
misunderstanding.

We'd like you
to come down
to City Hall,

and we thought that
we'd all take the bowl

down to the Museum
of Natural History
together.

I don't know,
Mr. Flaherty.

You can't just pacify us

with some
hollow ceremony.
We feel...

We'll plug the new casino.
Done.

Why don't you stay,
and we'll celebrate
our new agreement?

We'd be honored.
Thank you.

Setting Sun, would you pass
the bowl around the circle?

(CHIEF PHIL CLEARS THROAT)
Oh. Thanks.

Oh, no, wait!

We don't drink that.

Oh, well, then you don't
know what you're missing.

This is good. It's tangy,
it's delicious. It's...

Peyote.

That's not good.

I was just passing it around
as a ceremonial bonding.

We only consume that
on our land.

Isn't that illegal?

Not for members
of the Punsee nation.

How do I become a member
of that organization?

Don't worry.
You'll be fine.

For about 14 minutes.

Mike, we should
get you home.

If you wish,
you could lie down
here for a while

and maybe join us
for dinner tomorrow.

I like Indian food.
Not your Indian food...

The kind with the curry.

Hey, how come you guys don't
have any restaurants in town?

You should do that,
because people love...

Corn.

(WHISPERS) Mike!

(HESITATING)
I know. Maize.

We're gonna leave.
Yeah.

Well, thanks.
Thanks again for...

For your hospitality,
Phil...

Setting.

CARTER: I don't believe
you're here.

You swallowed half a bowl
of a powerful hallucinogen.

Carter, I was in
a situation where
drugs were present.

I got out of there
as quickly as I could,

but not before ingesting
a small amount.

Of course,
off the record,

Before bed,
I'm pretty sure

I brushed my teeth
with peanut butter.

And this morning,
on my night stand,

there was a piece
of paper on which
I'd written,

"Once bread
becomes toast,

"It can never go back
to being bread again."

There are you.

I'm afraid one
of the technicians
at the lab

had a breakdown
yesterday.

I'm so sorry, but we'll need
to get another urine sample.

Well, great. Okay.

Why don't you wait
for me in the bathroom?

Carter, quick. How long does
it take for a hallucinogen

to get out of your system?

Six to eight weeks.

Somebody get that nurse
a chair.

I made all
that stuff up.

The truth is
I ran out
on Claudia.

It's my fault.

So you're not a coke mule
for the Cali Cartel?

Paul, I told you not
to watch Cinemax at night.

It gives you ideas.

And she never blew
your life savings
on the ponies?

And I'm guessing
she doesn't burn

your grilled cheese
sandwiches every time.

Paulie, I thought
you liked them that way.

Oh, I can't keep up
with the lies.

Just tell me. Are you two
really engaged?

Ma?
Yes?

I want you to be strong
when you hear this.

Your little boy's
getting married.

When your father passed away,
you were 18 years old,

and promised
myself then that

I would never date
another man

until you were married.

Obviously, I had no idea
it would take this long.

All right, my specimen
is signed, sealed,
and delivered.

This is not good.
They're gonna test it,

they're gonna find
the drugs,

and who are they gonna
think gave it to you?

They'll go straight
to the Italian girl.

Relax, Okay? Stuart
helped me switch
the specimen.

How'd you
pull that off?

Well, let's just
say that

any time anyone
wants to ask

James' magic 8-ball
a question,

The answer is gonna be,
"ask again later,

"coz I'm filled
with urine."

Mike,

I broke
the Punsee bowl.

It was an
unavoidable accident.

How'd you do that, sir?

I was spinning it
on a stick and it fell.

Those things happen.
Yeah.

Those Indian American natives
are not gonna be happy.

Well, the good
news is, sir,

you're dangerously
close to being
politically correct.

We have to fix
this thing, Mike.

It's my scalp on the line.

Sir, as your head
of minority affairs,

I have to tell you that
could be construed as
racially insensitive.

Oh, give me
a break, Carter!

I'm under a lot
of stress here.

We smoke-um peace pipe
some other time!

Mike, the nurse
just called.

Said the test results
would be back in the morning.

Great. Oh, listen.
Hey, I wanna thank
whoever it was

who provided me
with my sample.

Finally I get recognized
for something.

It was you? It was yours?

I was the only one
who had to go.

Wait, is that okay?

The only thing they're
gonna find is aspirin

And maybe the occasional
antihistamine.

Oh.

And you don't think

that my birth control pills
will cause a problem, do you?

No, I'm sure
my gynecologist
can explain that.

This is serious.

They're gonna think
somebody tampered
with the sample.

Mike, you did tamper
with the sample.

Can't you just tell them
that you're taking estrogen?

Why?

(STUTTERING) What am I,
like that she-man

Up in accounting?

Who?

You know, Sherry...

Big-hands Sherry.

I just had a thought.

Please, would you
share it with me?

Why on Earth would Nikki be
taking birth control pills?

Sometimes a girl
carries an umbrella
just in case it rains.

Well, I'd sell that umbrella
and stock up on sunscreen,

'cause the forecast calls for
another year of drought.

Stuart, the condom
in your wallet is so old

it could have been used
by actual Trojans.

Is anybody gonna
help me out here?

Anyone at all?

This is exactly what
I'm talking about.

You don't let me help.

You treat me like
I'm a little kid.

Okay, Fine. Come with me.

I'm not a kid.

No, I know you're not
a kid, James.

And James? I'll race you
to the parking lot.
(EXCLAIMS GIDDILY)

Gets him tired out.

That way he sleeps
in the car.

I've got
a bull's horn.

I've got a cow's ass.

Join a gym.

It was an accident.

Think the Indians
are really gonna
be that mad?

No, no, no. They're not
Indians, Stuart.

They're Native Americans.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's not just
about words.

These are the names
that define a people.

You wanna choose
how you're looked at
by the world.

You don't want it thrust
upon you by someone else.

Did you hear the one
about the two proud
Polish-Americans

who were the backbone
of the industrial age

despite being oppressed
by the Northern European
majority?

I love that one. (CHUCKLES)

(ALL CHUCKLE)

You're a jackass.

What about respecting
my heritage?

I am.

I'm sure you come
from a long line
of jackasses.

I hope they don't see
those cracks.

Yeah, or else they
might make it rain
inside your office.

(LAUGHING)

Sorry, Carter.

Jackass.

This is so cool.

Mike, I feel like James Bond.

(MIMICKING SEAN CONNERY)
I like my martinis shaken,
not stirred.

(DROPS FLASHLIGHT)

Watch your head.
What?

(THUD) Agh!

So, where do you think
these samples are?

They must be
in the refrigerator.

Hey, can I get you
a cold one?

We have every kind
of domestic,

and if you feel
like an import,

there's always Hans
from the mail room.

And there I am.
Mike Flaherty.

From this day forward,

I shall no longer
be on the birth control pill.

Hell, I may throw
caution to the wind

and get rid
of my diaphragm, too.

Mike, if you dump
your sample, you're gonna
have to replace it.

Why do you think
I bought you three big gulps
on the way over here?

I thought we were bonding.

Fill 'er up.

Come on, let's go.

(ZIPPER OPENING)

What? It's cold in here.

It's only 28 days
till your wedding.

You got your eye on a special
mother-of-the-groom dress?

You should be looking
for one that says,

"I'm proud
of my little boy.

"I love my new
daughter-in-law,

"and gentlemen,
I am in play."

Maybe you could
give me some advice.

How do you attract
men these days?

Oh, come on.

You mean to tell me
you didn't shake it
when you were young?

Please! The only thing
my mother ever shook

was a handful of dice
on Yahtzee night.

It's true. I didn't
really date much

before I met Paul's father.

Growing up, my two sisters
got all the boys.

How could that be?

They put out.

Oh, Aunt Jan
and Aunt Leone put out!

Oh, God, this is the worst
day of my life.

You just need to hang out
your "open for business" sign.

You know, loosen up.
Take off your jacket.

Okay.

Okay That'll do it.

Anything yet?

Mike, I can't go
if you keep pressuring me.

Okay, okay.

(EXHALES)

You know, if you don't go,
I could lose my job.

Mike!

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, my mom used
to sing me a song

when she wanted
me to pee.

That explains so much.

* Hush, little Jamie,
it won't take long

* Mama's gonna sing you
the pee pee song

* Use your little potty,
it'll be fun

* You'll get a treat
if you go number one *

So is it working?

Someone else has to sing.

(SIGHS)

* Hush, little Jamie

* It won't take long

* Mikey's gonna sing you

* The pee pee song

* Use your little potty

* It'll be fine...

Fun, Mike.
All right, that's it!

(POUNDS)
(ALARM SOUNDS)

Oh. Oh, goodness.

Okay, Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Are you sure?
'Cause this is helping.

CARTER: Mr. Mayor,
you remember Chief Phil.

Mr. Mayor, thank you
for having us back.

Well, it's an honor
to have you back.

(EXHALES)
(CLINKS)

Here's your bowl.

(CLINKING)

You broke it.

Yes, we did.

Most people
would have tried

to glue it back together
and pass it off.

We did that, too.

I can't express
how sorry we are.

We know it's an ancient
Indian artifact...
Native American, sir.

I'll be honest. I'm an Indian,

and I get tired of all this
political correctness.

I mean, everybody's walking
around on eggshells.

Well, Chief, you don't have
to worry about that with me.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Well, good, because
I had you pegged

as some kind
of uptight WASP.

Yeah, you see, Carter?
Actually, I'm a Lutheran.

Well, that's a WASP.

Well, then. Good call.

Just say it, Mike.
You trusted me,
and I let you down.

James, it's not
your fault.

Are you kidding me?
We never made the switch.

All 'cause I couldn't deliver
in the clutch.

What about last month, okay,
when the mayor announced

that task force
on teenage prostitution?

You came up with
a slogan for us in, what?
Like, five minutes.

Mike, I borrowed that
from the cereal commercial.

Really? "Tricks
aren't for kids"?

I screwed up, okay?
Like always.
Stop it.

No, no. Please,
I'm a failure,

and I need
to hear you say that.

What do you wanna hear?

No, you are not always
great under pressure.

You are definitely not
my go-to guy.

I can't believe
you said that.

(ALL MAKE DISAPPROVING NOISES)

Fine, fine,
I will talk to him.

Mr. Flaherty? This is
very embarrassing.

We had another problem
with your sample.

Somehow it got lost.

What do you people think,

that I go to the bathroom
every day?

Whenever you're ready.

I can't do this.

I mean, there's still gonna
be drugs in my system.

Here you go, Mike.

I'm clean and I filled it
up this morning.

For fun.

You know,
in second grade

I did that in
the little girl's room.

They made me
go see a special doctor.

With the incident
at the lab,

we're tightening up
security.

I also have to make sure
that no one tries

to smuggle
a clean sample in.

"Not likely."

You know, I consider
us friends, Jan.

June.
June.

And as a friend,

What if I were
to swear to you

that I'm not
a narcotics user,

but there's
a very valid reason

why I couldn't do this
right now?

Good job.

Your boss asked me
to test you.

You passed with
flying colors.

You know, I'd invite you in,

But I think
my parents are home.

Mr. Flaherty.
I know, I know.

Yes!

You are my
go-to guy!

Mr. Flaherty, who are
you talking to?

Sorry. Sometimes he needs
a little encouragement.

Oh.

You are the man,
little buddy.

I am so proud of you.

I'll wait outside.

MIKE: I want you to stand up
and take a bow.

and you found
a wonderful woman

to share your life
with and...

It's time for me
to find someone.

Don't you want your mom
to have the same happiness

that you and I have?

You have my blessing.

Okay, David,
come on over.

Paul, I'd like you to meet
my new friend.

Happy to meet you.

It's gonna be a long time

before I can accept
anyone, Ma.

He's a millionaire, Paul.

Hi, Pop.