All language subtitles for Spin.City.S02E07.1080p.WEB.H264-DiMEPiECE_track3_[eng]

* Oh, I feel good

Hey, Mike,
happy birthday.
Thank you.

* I knew that I would

Mike, my man.
Happy birthday.

Thank you very much.

Happy birthday, Mike.
Thank you.

Mike! The big 3-0.
How do you feel?

Well, I'm the deputy mayor
of greatest city on the face
of the Earth,

I'm a snappy dresser,

and I don't have
to have my prostate checked

for whole 'nother year.

I feel good!

Happy birthday.
Thank you.

Oh, that's great.
Teamwork... I love that.

The big 3-0, huh?
It's the perfect age.

You can date college girls
and their mothers.

Nikki! Dance with me.

Oh!

(WHISTLING)

(VOCALIZING)
La-ra-ta...

Pa-ra-pa...

Shall we?

What the hell?

Hey!
(BOTH GRUNT)

Hey, Mike, Mike, Mike!
Me next! Me next!

(GRUNTS)
(CRASHES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You gotta help me out.

Mike put a $25 limit
on birthday gifts.

I have no idea
what to get him.

You really believe
that $25 thing?

(LAUGHS) Well, me?
No, no, no, no.

Yeah.

Last year, Bobby only
spent $25 on Mike.

Who's Bobby?

Exactly.

Hey, Stu. Did you schedule
the meeting

with the Italian
trade commission?

Si, Mikey.

Molto bene. Nikki?

Those German investors
come through with
that development bid?

Uh... Nein, Mikhail.

Oh, man, they didn't?

No, they did.
I just don't know how

to say yes in German.

Hey, Mike.
Who's Renee Miller?

Renee Miller
sent me a card?

Yeah. Who's Renee Miller?

We all have
that first love,
you know,

who... who ignites
the spark of passion

that's with us
for the rest
of our lives.

And for me, that spark
was Renee Miller.

Could have just said
old girlfriend.

My first love? Amy Hinkle.

Lovely woman.

Becky Corrigan.

Roger Taybach.

No way.

Roger Taybach.

I told her that
if neither of us were
married by my 30th birthday,

I'd meet her on top
of the Empire State
Building at sunset.

That is so romantic.

It's like a movie.

It's beautiful.
He'll nail her for sure.

Renee Miller.

Sir, when you (SNIFFS)
said you wanted to
see me did you...

literally mean
see me?

How do you know
if you are... a gay?

I'll come back.

Are you trying to tell me
that you think you're...

Well, actually,
I want to talk about
my nephew Stephen.

You see, we think
he may be a...

A gay?

Maybe. He seems very confused.

The family doesn't care
what his preference is.

We just think it's time
for him to settle down.

Basically we want him
to pick a party

and register to vote.

Sir, you're asking
me to turn on
the old gaydar.

(SIGHS SHARPLY)

You people
know each other.

It's... it's like
a sixth sense.

It's the way I am
with people from
Connecticut.

That is a period.
It says "remember
our promise."

It's an invitation.

It's a question mark.

It's "remember
our promise?"

It's... it's philosophical.

Oh, Mike, you gotta go.

She's gonna be
waiting up there
alone and desperate.

Alone and desperate.

I should go.

She's not gonna be there.

She just wants you
to be thinking about her,

obsessing over her.

I know. I do it
all the time.

What? That's wrong?

I want you.

I'm not gonna go.
It's my 30th birthday.

I'm having a great time
with all my friends here.

Tonight...
tonight is about us.

Where are my presents?

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

MIKE: Thank you,
thank you.

Well, you told me
not to bring a date,

so he's downstairs
waiting in the car.

What do I tell him?
Half hour...more?

Open mine first.

"To Mike from Paul."

Why, thank you
for those lovely words.

It's a $25 gift certificate
from the Pottery Barn,

which is perfect for me,
because it capitalizes

on my love for both
pottery and barns.

Hopefully you'll feel
the same way about
block and buster.

So I take it you all got me
$25 gift certificates.

No... (SIGHS)
Not me, Mike.

And it's a...

A $475 gift certificate
from Electronics USA.

Mike, that's
everything I had...

Less the $10 penalty
for closing the account.

Non-refundable.
(LAUGHS)

MIKE: I don't wanna
sound ungrateful,

because, you know,
it was really generous
of all of you,

especially you, James.

That Renee girl
gave you an invite.

That's kind of cool.

Would you guys mind
if I just left for a while?

Can we still be here,
eat your cake,
and drink your beer?

Oh, absolutely.

It's all right with me.

Go, go, Mike.
Have fun.

Anthony!
Yeah, I'll be right there.

I'm gonna go.
(CHUCKLES)

Whoo! Get a load of the guns
on that chick.

Hey, baby.
You want some fries
to go with that shake?

Stephen, please!
People know that this is
the mayor's office.

(LISPING) Excuse me!

So, Steve.

Actually, it's Stephen

with a pffff.

I do hope that Mike
likes lilies.

Oh, God, what am I saying?
Who doesn't like lilies?

So, Steve-pffn.

What do you do?

I'm in closets.

(LAUGHING)

I come in with my staff,
and we organize your closet.

We separate hanging items
from sweaters.

We build shoe trees.

So it's sort like being a...
an interior decorator.

(SCOFFS) Yeah.
And Judy Garland
could sort of carry a tune.

Ah, Mike's lilies
are parched. Agua.

What do you think?

Hard to tell.

Whoa! Okay.

This is either Renee
or a very friendly mugger.

And you're either Mike,
or I am really embarrassed.

Oh...

Wow.

I can't believe
you're standing here.

The last time I saw you,

you were wearing that
cheerleader outfit,

and you were waving
little pompoms.

Mike, I was never
a cheerleader.

Yeah, I know.
It's a dream I had...

couple nights ago.

You look amazing.

What have you
been up to?

Oh, this and that.
I counsel teenage runaways,

which I love.

I mean, I don't love
that they run away,

but if they didn't,
I wouldn't have
anything to do.

Can you tell
I'm nervous?
I'm shaking.

Yeah, it's okay,
'Cause I... I am, too.

And I think, you know,
we're in sync,

so... no one can tell.

So... (SIGHS)

What have you been doing
for the last 12 years?

The Monday
after we graduated,

my parents took me
to Lake Placid.

We actually toured
the Olympic site.

Uh, saw the toboggan run,
which was much steeper
than I anticipated.

You can summarize
if you want to.

Okay. College, law school,
deputy mayor here.

Oh, I almost forgot.
I brought you something.

Happy birthday.

Oh, don't tell me
that's a Don Mattingly
rookie card.

You know, he struck out
a lot that first year,

but by the end
of that season,

he was hitting homers
left and right.

Very similar
to your status
as my boyfriend.

Big league baseball.

Whoa.

You know how long
I've waited to hold
this card in my hand?

(SCREAMS) Ahhh!

We have to come up
with some real gift

to give Mike.
What are you doing?

Looking through
his checkbook.

Esmerelda Minjuarez.

I didn't know Mike
had a maid.

Just because
it's a Spanish name,

you think it's Mike's maid.

It says right here "maid."

All right.
Here's his yearbook.

All right. Here.

Mike was president
of his senior class.

People he most admires...
himself.

Look at this.
A Christmas list
of all Mike's...

"1976. Dear Mr. Claus,
please being me a scooter,
a train set, and a pony."

Oh, that's a child's dream.

"1978...
a Farrah Fawcett poster,

"a camera, and a pony."

Sounds like
my fraternity
initiation.

"1981. Parachute pants,
absolute power,
and a pony."

There's that pony again.

Here's something useful.

It's a note
from Mike's teacher
Helen Walker.

It says "I'll never
forget you."

Oh, that is so sweet.

She must have been
his favorite teacher.

That's it, you guys.
We will get him her.

Whoa!

If that's what she looked
like 12 years ago,

you're gonna have
to dig her up.

We could always go down
and look for it.

That's all right.

Some lucky kid
probably has it...

Embedded
in his forehead.

If it makes you feel
any better,

I'll always remember your face
when Don took a nose dive.

You mean like this?
(SCREAMS) Ahhh!

It reminded me
of that night
my father caught us.

Oh, oh.
On the pool table.

Oh, that was bad.

He never did
play pool again.

How about you?
How's your game?

(SIGHS) You know,
I'm a better player now,

but it's never been
as much fun as it was
with you.

Are we still talking
about pool?

Oh, my God. I've got
to go make a phone call.

What, you got a hot date?

No, a contingency plan
with my friend Gail,

in case you were married
or really fat.

You know,
I gotta tell you.

I didn't think
you were gonna show up.

I thought
it was just a line.

Come on, Renee. It's me.

(WHISTLING)

Mike?

I can't believe
you remembered our promise!

(WHIMPERS)

I'm so glad
you're here, Mike!

And I'm so glad
you're here...

you...

Remember these?

You'd think I would
remember those.

It's your Varsity
hockey sweater

and the shirt
you left at my house

the night
we were studying
for psych finals.

Okay. So I'm assuming
this was in college?

(LAUGHS) You silly!

I knew you would show.

Oh, my therapist
is just so negative.

He's all like,
"you're just setting
yourself up

"for disappointment,
Bridget."

Bridget!

But look who
was right. Me!

And you know what?
We should celebrate.

So why don't you give me
your number,

and I'll drop by
for coffee,

and we can
catch up. Okay?

I live in Ohio.

Well, that's perfect.
That's only 16 hours away,

fourteen if I make
the lights.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

There.

Oh. Gail said
to say "hi",

and even though this
is very exciting,

not to sleep with you
on the first date.

I'm glad you and Gail
are still tight.

Who's Gail?

Uh, Renee's friend.

Who's Renee?
Gail's friend.

I'm Renee. I'm a friend
of Mike's.

Bridget. And you two just
bumped into each other?

No, no. Mike asked me
to meet him up here
on his birthday.

You asked her
to come, too?

I think I'm gonna
lose it.

(INAUDIBLE)

See what you did?

Well, it is
a country kitchen.

I'm just not sure
which country.

Now, Red,
are you single?
Yeah.

Then I'm picking you
to give me the grand tour.

Now, where are the closets?
I must see the closets.

This way.
All right, then.

Excuse us.

New girlfriend?

My nephew.

All man.

Stuart, does my nephew...
Seem gay?

Well, if I have to be honest,

He's as gay as you are
handsome and wise, sir.

Carter?

I just think
he's too gay to be gay.

Well, he's definitely too gay
to be straight.

Oh, do you know
Gourmet magazine

pronounced this
"the year of the cheese?"

Did see their
summer soups issue?

(SCOFFS) Hello!
I made one
last night.

And you know,
you wouldn't think

that summer soups
would go together,

because summer hot,
soup hot,

but it works.
It's kooky.

Okay. Breathe.

Breathe.

You got a master's degree
in psychology

and the best you can
come up with is breathe?

Give me a break.
I usually counsel
runaways.

That's... that's
a starting point.
Go with that.

Okay, Bridget.
The first thing
you need to do

is call your parents.

They're very worried
about you.

I think you can skip ahead.

I know how it feels.

You came here
with high expectations.

And even though
there's so much

in your life
that's really great,

there's still a hole.

There's still
something missing.

You thought maybe
you'd find it here.

I just wanted
to have a drink.

Maybe go dancing?

Believe me, we both want
the same things.

Oh, really?
The right guy?

A pair of jeans
that fit?

I'm... I'm serious.
I mean, you know,

Work is... is great,
but relationships...
forget about it.

I... keep messing up one
after another.

The only thing
that's keeping me
from giving up completely

is that I'm trying
not to make
the same mistakes twice.

(KNOCKING)
Mike!

We never thought
you'd be here!

That's not going
too well either.

I don't see why I don't
get to wear the helmet.

Hey, you drive the hog,
you wear the helmet.

Hog? It's a scooter.
I'm taking a cab back.

Good. I'll drive
Mrs. Walker home
on my hog.

And you let me do
the talking.

Old ladies love me.

Mrs. Walker?
I'm Paul Lassiter.

Are you from the X-Files?

No, no, no.

There's nothing
to be afraid of.

We just want to give you
to somebody as a gift.

What?

No, no.
It's Mike Flaherty's
birthday.

Ow! My eyes!
My eyes!

Tell Flaherty there's more
where that came from.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Okay, if I'm driving
to the hospital,

I'm gonna need the helmet.

It was nice of the girls
to get Bridget back
to her hotel.

Hope they get a cab.

I'm sure they'll just take
the Mike Flaherty
birthday shuttle

with all the other gals.

So, this is what
it's like to be 30.

You know, it's amazing.

I make one phone call,

I can get every light
in this city turned off.

But I can't meet a girl
I've been dreaming about
for 12 years

without screwing it up.

Can you make
a phone call

and get my cable
turned back on?

Mike, don't be so hard
on yourself.

There aren't many
30-year-olds

who have everything
they want.

Oh, yeah, there are.
They're out there.

They're holding hands

and drinking
their cappuccinos,
mocking me.

You wanna feel mocked?

Try going
to 15 baby showers
in a month.

I mean, I'm supposed
to feel like some
kind of failure

because I haven't
created a screaming,

bank account-draining
little poop machine

who's gonna grow up
to hate me.

You really want one,
don't you?

More than anything.

I just don't understand it.

She signed Mike's yearbook,
"I'll never forget you."

Yeah. And she never did,
did she?

That woman...
she was like...
like Clint Eastwood

in corrective sneakers.

We have to get Mike
something great.

We can't just give up.

Sure, we can.
I do it all the time.

You know what?

I'm thinking
About a bottle
of 12-year-old scotch.

For Mike's birthday, sir?

What?

Um, maybe
we'll all think
a lot better

if I get us
another round.

Carter, you know
what I'd love?

I'm way ahead of you, sir.

Five beers and a scotch
on the rocks, please.

Yeah, I'm gonna have
a dubonnet with a twist...

Lemon, not lime.

Thanks, sugar,
you're a peach.

You're straight,
aren't you?

(WITHOUT LISP)
How'd you know?

A little too
Liberace to be real.

Yeah, well, trust me.

You don't know how hard
it is for me, okay?

Poor misunderstood
heterosexual, huh?

Hey, this is only way
I get any peace.

My family was always
trying to fix me up.

If I was straight,
it'd be with girls.

If I was gay,
it'd be with guys.

Now my mother
is so confused,

she doesn't
even talk to me.

It's great, believe me.

Or should I say

(LISPING)
"C'est fantastique"?

You're a very
healthy young man.

Listen, why don't we go
out to dinner for real
tomorrow night?

Mike, it's not me
you want.

You sure about that?

Because...
everybody else left.

You're just trying
to put together
a puzzle,

and there's just
a little too much
pressure right now

to make the pieces fit.

There's no pressure.
I just know

that if I start
dating you again,

my life will be perfect
and everything
will make sense.

I don't think so, Mike.

I think we should
just say good-bye.

(EXHALES)
So... Good-bye.

Okay,
I'll tell you what.

I'll meet you here
on your 35th birthday,

and if I'm the only one,
dinner's on me.

I don't wanna wait
till I'm 35.

How about next month?

Next month I'm meeting
my college boyfriend

on top of
the Chrysler Building.

Next year?

Thirty-four.
We can still have kids.

Thirty-one.
I'd like to still be able
to play with them.

So...

Happy birthday, Mike.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I don't believe this.

Where did they find you?

Is that a beautiful girl,
or what? Huh?

Huh?

Naw. What do you think?
You thirsty? Want a beer?

Let's go. Kitchen.
Go, girl.

Giddyup. Whee!
Here we go.

There we go.

Hi.

Anybody here looking
for Michael Flaherty?

Anybody at all?

Michael Flaherty!

Anybody looking
for Michael Flaherty?