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1
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,676
Good morning, Mike.
Morning, sir.
2
00:00:08,776 --> 00:00:10,244
You all ready for
the big book signing?
3
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,814
Are we sure that
this is the best title
for my autobiography?
4
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,983
Winston on Winston?
5
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,985
As long as there's not
two guys on the cover,
6
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:19,420
I think we're okay.
7
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,894
Who'd we end up
getting to ghostwrite
this thing for me?
8
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,129
Uh, Jennifer Goldman, sir.
9
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,563
Remember, she hung out
with you for a few months,
10
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:31,565
she asked you all
those questions
about your life?
11
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,134
I thought
we were dating.
12
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:38,172
Well, I guess that explains
why she stopped calling.
13
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:41,942
Great book, sir.
14
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,377
I wept openly.
15
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:44,978
I appreciate that,
Stuart.
16
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:50,050
You haven't read it,
have you?
17
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,886
You kidding?
I fell asleep looking
at the book jacket.
18
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,324
Hey, Mike,
do you listen to
Drew West in the mornings?
19
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,525
Radio guy?
20
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,293
He's a loudmouthed,
offensive jerk
21
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,928
who taints the airwaves
with his filth
22
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,364
and appeals to the
lowest levels of society.
23
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,266
Yeah. So, do you
listen to him?
24
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,000
Sometimes.
25
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:10,338
He is also signing
copies of his new
autobiography today.
26
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:11,439
Traffic's
already backed up.
27
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:12,606
We gotta cancel
the mayor's.
28
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:13,974
I think this city is
big enough to support
29
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:16,210
two celebrity book signings
on the same day.
30
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:21,649
Today's Wednesday, right?
31
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,153
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
32
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:47,175
I'm telling you,
it went great.
33
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,177
The mayor signed over
200 copies of his book.
34
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,244
That's amazing.
35
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,312
James,
when are you gonna learn
36
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:52,380
to listen to what he says?
37
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,948
The mayor signed
over 200 copies.
38
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,317
He didn't sell any.
39
00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:58,186
That's not true.
40
00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,920
He sold over 150 copies.
41
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,089
Just to the people
in this room.
42
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:05,493
Simple payroll deduction.
43
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:06,860
You won't even notice it.
44
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:08,629
Is the mayor upset?
45
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:09,730
No, because he realizes
46
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,465
it's just
a momentary setback.
47
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:12,733
I've arranged to have
his book reviewed
48
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,368
by a hand-picked
political figure
49
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,204
Who will give us
a favorable review.
50
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,671
And I'm honored, Mike.
51
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,875
But I pride myself on
being a man of principle.
52
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,812
I can't guarantee
a favorable review.
53
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:28,216
I'm gonna love it,
aren't I?
54
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:29,483
NIKKI:
I'm here, I'm here!
Sorry, I'm late.
55
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,751
If you're gonna be
this late without calling,
56
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,653
you'd better have
a damn good excuse.
57
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,056
That's a damn good excuse.
58
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,058
Roller-blading accident?
59
00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:40,661
I was running to catch a cab
in my new high heels.
60
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,730
That happened
to a buddy of mine.
61
00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:47,435
We should turn on Drew West.
He's talking about us.
62
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,837
DREW WEST: And how about
the mayor's book signing?
63
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,340
I had more people there
when I lost my virginity.
64
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,143
And I was alone!
65
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:58,579
Meanwhile, I even signed
one of my books
66
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,248
for a member
of the mayor's staff.
67
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:03,584
Oh, that guy will just
make up whatever he wants!
68
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,320
Drew west is talking
about me on the radio.
69
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:10,291
Hey, let's see
what witticism
Drew came up with.
70
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,263
"Dear Stacey,
nice rack."
71
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,501
All right,
what's the response?
72
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:21,902
Oh, I said thank you.
73
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:24,672
I know what we can do.
74
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:26,073
We could demand
that he bring over
75
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:28,542
all his girls from his
"Ask A Stripper" segment.
76
00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,278
How is that gonna
help us, Stuart?
77
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,780
I'm just saying...
78
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,282
It's something we could do.
79
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,318
Why can't we just
ignore the guy?
80
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,786
That's a good instinct, James.
81
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,289
Most trivial nuisances
in the world of politics
82
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,491
will go away
if you just ignore 'em.
83
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,792
Mike.
84
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:46,960
Mike.
85
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:49,897
Mike.
86
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,134
Still, I can't help
but feel that
87
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,338
we're missing
an opportunity here.
88
00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:00,308
This guy reaches
thousands of
potential voters
89
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,575
We could never reach.
90
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:04,312
Who cares?
He's an over-bearing,
unpredictable
91
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:05,879
sexist jackass.
92
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,881
Oh, and you're perfect?
93
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,584
I can use this guy.
94
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,420
I can turn this
into a positive.
95
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,523
We'll put the mayor
on his show.
96
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:16,624
Mike.
97
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:19,760
So, unless anyone
has something to add...
98
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,028
PAUL: Mike.
99
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,563
...let's get going
on this!
100
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,868
(SING-SONG)
Happy water day!
101
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,970
Happy water day!
(LAUGHS)
102
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,340
Why are you two
so excited about
a beverage?
103
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,344
Trust me.
You don't want
to miss this.
104
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:38,912
Good morning, ladies.
105
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,214
ALL: Good morning!
106
00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,584
H2... Oh!
107
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,118
Would you look
at that butt?
108
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,955
How often
does he deliver?
109
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,358
For me, just about
every time he walks
through that door.
110
00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:56,430
Excuse me.
111
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,165
Would you mind moving
the jug over a little
112
00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,368
so it's not so close
to the file cabinet?
113
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,272
How's that?
114
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,040
Perfect.
115
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,143
I think we should
celebrate water day
a little more often.
116
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,145
There's
been a mistake
in our order.
117
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,547
We're supposed
to have two of those.
118
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:15,649
Oh, it says here one.
119
00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,386
Yeah, and now
it says two.
120
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,422
Here's my review
of your book, sir.
121
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:22,656
MAYOR: Oh, great.
122
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,259
"A fast-paced
thrill ride."
123
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:31,031
"A spectacle
the whole family
will enjoy."
124
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,536
Paul, did you just
take this stuff
from movie reviews?
125
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,204
No, of course not, sir. No.
126
00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,239
"Stallone
is pure adrenaline."
127
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,813
Paul, did you even
read my book?
128
00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:47,180
Not exactly, no.
No, sir.
129
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,083
No, I didn't want it
to taint my objectivity.
130
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,420
But I'm gonna go
read it right now.
131
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,056
After all, I understand
I bought 75 copies.
132
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,759
Sir, did you get
a chance to listen
133
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,127
to that Drew West tape
I made up for you?
134
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,529
I don't need to, Mike.
135
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,464
I've done a lot of
volatile interviews.
Just fill me in.
136
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:06,900
Well, a lot of
tough questions,
a lot of bare breasts.
137
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,170
Think of it as
topless Jeopardy!, sir.
138
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:11,439
And remember,
when you're in there
tomorrow, sir,
139
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:13,741
he's gonna say
anything he can
to rattle you.
140
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,443
Don't let him
suck you in.
141
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:17,310
I'm unflappable.
142
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,279
What's your favorite
sexual position, sir?
143
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,882
You're fired.
144
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:25,118
See, that's exactly
the kind of question
he's gonna ask you.
145
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,455
That's just the kind
of zippy answer
he'll get.
146
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,794
Well, that was
refreshing.
147
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:38,065
I can't believe
you refused to take
your spanking, Mr. Mayor.
148
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,133
That's one of the perks
of having a deputy.
149
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,469
Right, Mike?
150
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,578
I just pray you aren't
naughty again, sir.
151
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,515
I think Mistress Tina here
knocked a filling loose.
152
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:56,784
But I deserved it.
153
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:00,187
All right!
The fun and games are over.
154
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,623
Let's get down to business.
155
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:06,627
So, Mr. Mayor, how did you
and Mr. Flaherty get together?
156
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,061
Well, let's see, uh...
157
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,498
We met at a rally,
and we really hit it off.
158
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,199
So we went back
to my hotel room and...
159
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:14,067
(BUZZES)
160
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,969
Hey, hey!
This is a family show.
161
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,572
We can't have
that type of language.
162
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,709
We talked, Drew, we talked.
He was gonna say we talked.
163
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:24,011
Anyway, when I
told him that I
admired his long...
164
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,281
record in
public service...
165
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,751
Thank you.
166
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,720
He knew that I wasn't
just stroking his...
167
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,622
(BUZZES)
168
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:39,527
...ego.
169
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,529
So, Randy!
170
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,332
What was the deal
with your book signing?
171
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,300
You know, I heard
that the only person
to show up
172
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,736
was your ex-wife,
and, uh,
173
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:51,071
she just wanted directions
to my book signing.
174
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,974
See, she already
knows the way to my house.
175
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:58,546
Yes, well, Helen always
did love doing charity work.
176
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,350
Oh, I think I just
got slammed by the mayor.
177
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,085
Helen used to
love that, too.
178
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:10,724
Okay!
179
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,192
Gloves are off.
180
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,261
Mr. Mayor,
181
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:16,463
what's your favorite
sexual position?
182
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,599
Well, that's none
of your business.
183
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,735
But I hear yours is
man on top,
184
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,036
woman in magazine.
185
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,280
And for those of you
keeping score at home,
186
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:37,017
that's the mayor three,
Drew West, nothing.
187
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,185
Ow!
188
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,892
He's on his way up
with another bottle.
189
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,030
How do I look?
190
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:51,899
Desperate.
191
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,333
Jealous?
192
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,401
STUART: Of what?
193
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:55,969
The guy delivers water.
194
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,772
You know what you need
to have on your resume
to get that job?
195
00:08:58,872 --> 00:08:59,873
Limbs.
196
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,776
Do you even know
this guy's name?
197
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,044
I'm not sure.
198
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,613
I call him...
199
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,681
Damn!
200
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,517
So, after all the years
women have fought
201
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,886
to not be objectified,
you're doing it.
202
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,355
Meanwhile, this guy
could be an idiot.
203
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,625
He could be mean.
He could be...
204
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,031
Damn!
205
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,635
Hi, ladies.
There's your water.
206
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,036
That's so sweet of you.
207
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,171
Thanks, um...
Brent.
208
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,640
Thanks. Stacey.
209
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,942
Janelle.
Nikki.
210
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:36,677
Carter.
211
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,480
Guess I should have
spent a little less
time in college,
212
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,049
a little more time
in a quarry.
213
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,885
Duh, here's your water.
214
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,789
Does anyone know
what the word
"mercurial" means?
215
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,123
Quixotic.
216
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,726
You know, capricious.
217
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,995
Duh!
218
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,096
"Quixotic."
219
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:03,704
So, Mike, the mayor
came off pretty well
on Drew West's show.
220
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:06,039
The mayor was prepared.
He was quick on his feet.
221
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,307
And since this was radio,
222
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:08,608
you're gonna have to
take my word for it...
223
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,277
He was drop-dead gorgeous.
224
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,412
DREW WEST: I guess
I could understand
225
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:13,613
how you'd be desperate
for anything
226
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,615
you could call
a victory around here.
227
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,584
Ah, Mr. West.
228
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:19,386
You're just upset 'cause
you couldn't beat the mayor
229
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:20,821
even if he went
down to your level.
230
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,555
Oh, and what level is that?
231
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,857
Best-selling author?
232
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,760
Nationally-syndicated
radio host?
233
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,662
I was thinking
loud, fat guy.
234
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,332
I'll tell you what,
buddy.
235
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:34,267
I got a loud, fat
challenge for you.
236
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:35,803
We accept.
237
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,104
You don't even know
what it is yet!
238
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:39,639
Well, unless it's
a pie-eating contest...
239
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:44,277
A phone-in election.
Me against the mayor.
240
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,680
Let's see who the people
of New York really want.
241
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,316
This is City Hall.
We don't have time
for this.
242
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,218
DREW WEST:
Oh, what a cop-out!
243
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,720
But I don't blame ya.
244
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:55,355
I wouldn't run that
stiff against me, either.
245
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:56,690
All right, okay.
That's it. That's it.
246
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,125
Nobody insults the mayor
247
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,393
and then just
waddles away.
248
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,798
You're on, buddy,
and I will crush you.
249
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,801
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
250
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,739
Make sure you get
my best side, fellas.
251
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,373
(REPORTERS EXCLAIM AND LAUGH)
252
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,444
For the record,
that's not a rash.
253
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,212
He was spanked
earlier today.
254
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:23,817
Sir, we've got
17 media events
255
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,753
scheduled for
the next three hours.
256
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,587
That's once
every 10 minutes, Mike.
257
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:29,622
It'll be like
you're 18 again, sir.
258
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,124
We are getting
national attention
on this.
259
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,094
We win this baby,
sir, maybe someday...
260
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,629
President, Mike?
President Mike.
261
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:37,998
It's got a nice ring
to it.
262
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,834
(HUMMING HAIL TO THE CHIEF)
263
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:43,804
PAUL: Oh, Mr. Mayor!
264
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,372
I finished your book.
265
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:46,774
As did I, Paul.
266
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:48,942
(SIGHS WEARILY)
As did I.
267
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,511
I'm telling you,
once I started,
I couldn't put it down.
268
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:53,881
Your life is like
a bag of chips!
269
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,382
Well, that's kind
of you, Paul.
270
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,786
But don't you see
this book is about
missed opportunities?
271
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,788
Look at Chapter...
Well, 7.
272
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,122
"Mary Lochlin."
273
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:04,391
My first true love.
274
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,894
She could have been
the one for me.
275
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,796
Why would I just
let her slip away?
276
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,330
Because as you said
in Chapter 8,
277
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,432
your mother was lonely.
She needed you.
278
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:14,501
Well, she would
have been fine.
She had the bottle.
279
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,907
Oh, Paul,
I've just never been
able to take chances.
280
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,174
Oh, no, no,
no, sir.
281
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,075
That's not true!
282
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,045
Oh? Well, look.
Page one...
283
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,881
"I was a cesarean baby."
284
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,418
Too scared to leave.
285
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:34,988
I just sat there...
286
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,960
Till they came in
and got me.
287
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:45,532
So, ladies,
which one of you got
the date with Brent?
288
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:46,733
No one.
289
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:49,269
Yeah. We're gonna wait
for him to ask us out.
290
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,004
Well, I'm gonna wait.
291
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,539
I don't know about
you guys.
292
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:53,841
What is that
supposed to mean?
293
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,142
I'm not saying
anything!
294
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,945
Ladies, please.
What are you doing?
295
00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,612
You're letting a man
come between you...
296
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:01,982
A damn fine man!
297
00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,086
But still a man...
298
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:07,387
And no real guy
299
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:08,455
can live up
to your expectations.
300
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,458
That is the beauty
of the fantasy man.
301
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:12,926
He's pure.
He's perfect.
302
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:14,394
He's whatever
you want him to be.
303
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,496
Do yourselves a favor.
Leave your dream alone.
304
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:19,967
Okay. You first.
305
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,903
Four Seasons.
Silk sheets. Champagne.
306
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:24,404
He's wearing his uniform.
307
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,075
Secluded beach.
308
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:29,877
Full moon.
309
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,444
He's wearing his uniform.
310
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,915
Right here. Right now.
311
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:37,017
I'm wearing his uniform.
312
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,888
Oh, we shouldn't
mess with this.
313
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:42,890
Let's just leave him
the way he is.
314
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,724
Maybe we can call
and get him back up here.
315
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:45,893
He's busy.
316
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,394
Apparently the girls
from accounting
317
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,661
are pretty thirsty, too.
318
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:49,997
Sluts!
319
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,768
You know,
I gotta be honest
with you.
320
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,004
I don't listen
to your show.
321
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:58,805
Will I still like
this book?
322
00:13:58,906 --> 00:14:01,074
Absolutamente, Reg.
323
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,543
Due West has something
in it for everybody.
324
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:06,546
Yeah, my grandma
was just asking me how to
pick up a stripper.
325
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,383
Listen, what's this I hear
about an election between
326
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,152
you and the Mayor of
New York city?
327
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,686
I'll take that one, Regis.
328
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:14,754
Ah, Mike!
329
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,056
Look who's here,
everybody.
330
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,991
Our old friend,
Deputy Mayor
Michael Flaherty.
331
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,259
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
332
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,560
Michael!
333
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,129
DREW WEST: Stop!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Time out! Time out!
334
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:23,296
This is my interview.
335
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,664
I'm sorry, Drew.
I thought it was over
336
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:26,399
when I saw the audience
running for the exits.
337
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,001
(REGIS LAUGHING)
I, uh...
338
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,669
I can come back later
if you like, Reg.
339
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:30,938
He's here to stay.
340
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:32,139
This is gettin'
a little nuts,
you know?
341
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:33,941
And I don't know
what to do about it.
342
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,175
Let me leave it up to
the audience
343
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:36,576
here in the studio,
okay?
344
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:40,280
Who stays? Mike Flaherty,
the hardest-working
deputy mayor
345
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,781
in New York City
history?
346
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,716
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
347
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,353
Or Drew West,
348
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,655
the man who called me
television's answer
to muzak
349
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:49,822
on his show last week?
350
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,458
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
351
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,126
Thought you didn't
listen to my show, Reg.
352
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,263
Well, I lied,
and your book stinks.
353
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,530
I'm not going anywhere.
This is my...
354
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:58,966
I got five minutes.
I'm using it.
355
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,400
I ain't goin' anywhere.
356
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,970
That's good, Drew,
'cause we got something
special just for you.
357
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,271
Hit it, sir!
358
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,740
BOTH:
* How sweet it is
359
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,477
* To be loved by you
360
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,612
* It's like honey
from the bee, baby
361
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,148
* How sweet it is
362
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,018
* To be loved by you
363
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,020
* And singin' with the mayor
364
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,221
* Oh, yeah
365
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:22,755
* How sweet it is
366
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,624
* To be loved by you
367
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,227
* 24.95, baby
368
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:29,997
* How sweet it is
369
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:31,698
* To be loved by you
370
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:34,167
KATHIE LEE:
* Available at your
book store now
371
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,368
MAYOR:
* Yeah!
372
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,137
* How sweet it is
373
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:39,639
* To be loved by you
374
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,742
We're still
500 votes behind.
375
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:43,810
I thought sticking around
376
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,912
and making homemade
lollipops with Regis
377
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,380
was gonna put us
over the top.
378
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,683
Have one of the sour apple.
They're lovely.
379
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,786
Mike, why are you
doing this,
380
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:54,787
running around town
381
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,756
making lollipops,
getting spanked?
382
00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,926
Little jealous,
are we, Carter?
383
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,130
No.
384
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,465
I'm also not crazy
about the win-at-all-
costs attitude.
385
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:06,699
You must have been
a real inspiration
386
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,035
to your high school
football team.
387
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,637
I was an all-state
halfback,
388
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,739
and no offense,
but three of you
couldn't take me down.
389
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:15,442
Why don't you just admit
390
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:16,709
that you're obsessed
with winning, man?
391
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,346
No. 'Cause then
you would win
this argument.
392
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:22,115
I was born to win.
393
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:23,216
Were I to lose,
it would basically
394
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,185
upset the balance
of the universe.
395
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:26,753
But that's a good
thing, right?
396
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,921
Because right now,
my priority is helping
the mayor win this election.
397
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,623
Mike, he's already
the mayor!
398
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:33,460
This isn't about him.
This is about you.
399
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,063
Mike!
I got it, Mike.
400
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,297
I know how
we can win this.
401
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,399
God bless you,
Stuart. You have
nude photos.
402
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,102
Of course I do,
but that's not
the point.
403
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,738
We cannot outsleaze
this guy.
404
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,908
We have got to
make this a contest
about issues.
405
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:51,511
Did that sentence just
come out of my mouth?
406
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:54,747
Carter, set up
a rally site.
407
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,216
Stuart, round up
all the usual suspects.
408
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,085
I'm gonna go
prep the mayor.
409
00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,619
I am gonna
win this thing!
410
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,821
Not that it matters.
411
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:05,092
This is such a waste
of time!
412
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:06,193
I feel like Sisyphus.
413
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:07,494
Who?
414
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,863
From Greek mythology.
415
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,266
The man's life's work
was the fruitless task
416
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,568
of pushing the same rock
up a hill.
417
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:17,870
(SHOUTS) Sisyphus!
418
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,909
Could you be any gayer?
419
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,821
Well, according to this,
the pH level's fine.
420
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,123
Really?
421
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,024
'Cause I could have sworn
it was a little too pH-y.
422
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:42,129
Well, if there's, uh,
nothing else...
423
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,230
Would you mind
demonstrating
424
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:44,597
how those taps
work again?
425
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,566
One's hot,
one's cold...
426
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,136
You know damn well
how they work!
427
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,773
I'm tired of coming
up here and parading
around for you.
428
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:55,742
I can feel
your eyes on me.
429
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,744
I have a mind, too,
you know?
430
00:17:57,844 --> 00:18:01,248
You go, brother.
You don't have to
take this!!
431
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,419
Come on, sweetie...
432
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,487
I'm not your sweetie.
433
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,556
I'm just trying
to do my job.
434
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:11,624
You know, I'm tempted
to file a complaint.
435
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,160
You'll have
nothing but women
436
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,295
delivering water up here
for the next 10 years.
437
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:17,864
Go ahead and you do
what you have to do.
438
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,902
You three should be ashamed.
439
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:26,806
If it makes you
feel any better,
440
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:29,676
I put up with this
all day long.
441
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,449
New York is a cleaner,
442
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:39,051
happier, safer place
443
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:40,487
since I took office.
444
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:43,423
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew!
445
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:46,226
True, true,
true, true!
446
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,465
Look, we know you guys
love Drew West.
447
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,467
But don't you also
love New York City?
448
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,436
(CROWD CHEERING)
449
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,305
Don't you love
that Mayor Winston
450
00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:00,573
has reduced crime by 40%
451
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,443
and your taxes by 15%?
452
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,445
(CROWD CHEERING)
453
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:06,679
Don't you love
that he cleaned up
454
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:09,549
all the sleazy smut shops
on 42nd Street?
455
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,850
(CHEERING WEAKLY)
456
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,254
And moved them
to Eighth Avenue?
457
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:15,955
(CROWD CHEERING)
458
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,024
This election
is about...
459
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,228
(STAMMERS)
Well, this election is...
460
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,062
is... is about...
461
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:25,765
I don't know
what the hell
it's about.
462
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,033
DREW WEST: I'll tell you.
463
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:28,134
(CROWD CHEERING)
464
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:31,037
I'll tell you what
this election is about.
465
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,639
It's about the people
of New York
466
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,374
loving me
and not the mayor!
467
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,042
(CROWD CHEERING)
468
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:37,143
Naw, you know what
it's about?
469
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:38,611
It's about you picking
a fight with me
470
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,980
that I was too stupid
to walk away from.
471
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,483
The only reason
this guy is here
472
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,586
is because he loves
being your mayor.
473
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,588
And there is nothing
that he wouldn't do
474
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:49,722
to prove that to you!
475
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:51,624
Then jump in
the Hudson!
476
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:52,792
You're out of your mind.
477
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,927
You said that there's
nothing you wouldn't do.
478
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,163
So jump in the Hudson.
479
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,298
Jump!
480
00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:00,967
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Jump, jump, jump, jump!
481
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,202
You don't have to
do this, sir.
482
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,672
It's time I started taking
some chances in my life, Mike.
483
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,474
CROWD: Jump, jump, jump, jump!
484
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:08,541
Remind me, sir.
485
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,176
Did we actually
clean up the Hudson,
486
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,245
or did we just say
we were going to?
487
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,147
Take my hand, Mike.
488
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,850
Because we're
a team, right, sir?
489
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:19,419
Because I'm not
a strong swimmer.
490
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:21,821
CROWD: Jump, jump, jump, jump!
491
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,056
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!
492
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:26,526
(CROWD CHEERING)
493
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,952
(CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING)
494
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:07,334
We won.
495
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,502
Still undefeated, sir.
496
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:11,571
Excellent.
497
00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:20,179
I betrayed no emotion
as I received the news
of my victory.
498
00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:24,517
Sir, is there a reason
why you're narrating?
499
00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:26,052
I'm just thinking
500
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:27,086
how my next book
could start, Mike.
501
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:28,187
It's quite a responsibility
502
00:21:28,355 --> 00:21:29,822
knowing everything
you say or do
503
00:21:29,922 --> 00:21:31,358
could be recorded
for posterity.
504
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:38,365
It was at that moment
that I realized
505
00:21:38,431 --> 00:21:40,500
the responsibility
of public office.
506
00:21:42,001 --> 00:21:43,836
(SHIVERING)
The mayor was...
507
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:45,372
making the
deputy mayor nervous.
508
00:21:46,939 --> 00:21:48,575
So, slowly...
509
00:21:48,675 --> 00:21:49,676
he backed away...
510
00:21:50,577 --> 00:21:51,578
and went home.
511
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:57,484
And then I was alone.
36312
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