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1
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,642
I think our
second date's
going pretty well.
2
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,344
Mike, you met me
at the subway stop,
3
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:13,447
and we sat
next to a man who
collects squirrels.
4
00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:15,549
Sure you don't want
to save that for
Valentine's day?
5
00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:18,152
Come on,
I bought you a meal.
6
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:19,953
Remind me,
I owe you
a buck-fifty.
7
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,158
So, here we are.
8
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:26,427
I, uh, I had
a wonderful time.
9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,861
Sure you don't
want to come in?
10
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,499
My, uh, my parents
are away for
the weekend.
11
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,468
I can't. I have to
catch a cab back uptown
12
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,237
to where I should
have gotten off
at the train.
13
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:37,305
But, um...
14
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,972
dinner tonight
sounds great.
15
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,510
(INHALING DEEPLY)
16
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:43,677
Ah...
17
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,513
Hormones.
18
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:50,118
Calm down.
We haven't even
kissed yet.
19
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,452
Well, thank God.
20
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,921
Because no good
can come out of
kissing a woman.
21
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,126
I have that
embroidered
on a pillow.
22
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:02,730
They'll just dump you,
23
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,332
lock you out of
your apartment,
24
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,033
never return
your phone calls.
25
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:07,268
You talking
about Claudia?
26
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:09,137
Maybe.
27
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,906
Can you imagine
how pathetic
my life might seem
28
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:16,144
if my mom hadn't
let me move back
in with her?
29
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:20,814
Paul, I think I can
speak for all of us
when I say,
30
00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,151
"We can only guess."
31
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,219
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
32
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,509
I'm telling you,
I just met her.
33
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,311
Paul's mother
is gorgeous.
34
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:52,280
Maybe she is,
maybe she isn't.
35
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,482
You're gay,
so you can't judge.
36
00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,187
Come on.
37
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:01,622
Gay men can tell if
women are beautiful or not.
38
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,191
Can't you tell
if a man is handsome?
39
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,725
(SCOFFS) Nice try.
40
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,330
You won't recruit me
that easy.
41
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:13,901
Everyone,
this is my mom.
42
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,374
Mom, you remember Carter.
43
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,210
This is James and Nikki.
44
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:23,277
Stuart Bondek,
45
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,646
Enchante.
46
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:28,982
First Carter, then you.
47
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:29,917
Well, I think it's great
48
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,219
that there are
so many gay men
49
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,786
working in
the Mayor's office.
50
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:37,858
Look how handsome
you are in your
big suit.
51
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,560
Mom! Stop it.
52
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,729
Not in front
of my co-workers.
53
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,531
Okay, okay,
I'm going.
54
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,098
I'm going. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
55
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:54,508
Man, oh, man,
56
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,677
do I love
New York City!
57
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,879
You know, that's funny.
That's what
my mom just said.
58
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,317
That was
your mother?
59
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:04,418
Uh-huh.
60
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,455
Birth mother?
61
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,126
We all know
we could use
a home run issue.
62
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:14,728
I think I found it.
63
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,364
Public access
television.
64
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:17,431
Apparently,
it's really pushing
65
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,999
the limits of decency.
66
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:22,135
Tell me about it.
I cannot get from ESPN
to the Comedy Channel
67
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,405
without some big penis
waving in my face.
68
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,281
Where are you
watching television?
69
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,486
And it switches over
without warning
right around 10:00.
70
00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:39,787
10:06.
71
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:43,924
One minute I'm watching
my favorite home
improvement show,
72
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,759
Woodworking With Bill,
73
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,628
and the next minute
I'm watching...
74
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,196
Woodworking With Bill.
75
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,599
(TECHNO MUSIC ON TV)
76
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,467
Oh, my god,
is this for real?
77
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,069
I'm not an expert
at these things,
78
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,671
but I would think
one of the first
rules
79
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:58,939
of working with
a power sander
80
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:00,908
would be
don't do it nude.
81
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,612
And kids can,
can, can see this.
82
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:05,779
People are gonna
react to that.
83
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,716
This is
a family values
extravaganza.
84
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,150
It's like sizzler!
85
00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,089
James,
pull the cable company's
contract with the city.
86
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,925
Find out if I have
any options.
87
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,330
Now, uh, I'll just need
a copy of that tape.
88
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,697
Here you go.
89
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,098
Oh, and Stuart...
90
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,401
Merry Christmas.
91
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:31,439
Hey, Nikki.
92
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:33,341
Hi, Mikey.
93
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:35,676
What are you
doing tonight?
94
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:38,479
I'll bet my entire pension
on nothing.
95
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,814
Well, you'd better
start planning
96
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,416
for your retirement,
buddy,
97
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:45,453
because tonight I am...
98
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,555
doing my laundry.
99
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:50,023
Because I-I was
supposed to have dinner
with Laurie tonight
100
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,993
but it turns out,
I have this work thing.
101
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,462
Cancel.
102
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,263
Well, I could,
but you know,
103
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:57,698
I don't want to
disappoint her.
104
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,067
So, I was thinking
it would be easier
105
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,902
if you just came
along with us,
106
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,937
and that way
when I had to leave,
107
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,573
you could stay
and you know,
108
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,742
and just...
talk about me.
109
00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:13,647
Mike, I struggle
with my self-esteem
every day of my life.
110
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,984
Now, to go out
and spend time working
on your relationship
111
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,486
instead of on myself,
112
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:20,721
that would not be
very healthy for me
right now.
113
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:22,556
You're right.
114
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:24,392
I'm sorry.
115
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:27,561
See you around 7:00?
116
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,229
No, Mike!
117
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:30,498
Not unless
you're eating
118
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,600
at the launderama
on Broadway.
119
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:36,069
Let me, let me, let me...
Let me bottom line
this for you, Okay?
120
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,405
You come with me...
121
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,573
I'll give you
next Friday off.
122
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,410
Deal.
123
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:48,982
(WHISPERING) Janelle,
cancel Stuart's vacation
for next week.
124
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,520
I recognize
that whisper.
125
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,523
I just got screwed,
didn't I?
126
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,060
Now that
Helen's gone, hmm,
127
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,194
I have to admit,
128
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,697
the nights
do stretch on.
129
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:04,765
Actually, sir,
you mentioned that
130
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,199
to me on the phone
last night...
131
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,936
Around 4:00.
132
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,704
Well, uh, how's your
schedule for tonight?
133
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,073
I could have
the staff cook us up
a little dinner.
134
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,442
We could rent a movie.
135
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:16,810
Uh... well,
tempting as
that sounds,
136
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,846
I, uh, I have
plans tonight.
137
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:20,113
Ah.
138
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,349
Well, you can't blame
a fella for trying.
139
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,286
So, what's our issue
of the day?
140
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:28,021
Public access
pornography, sir.
141
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:29,923
Oh, yes.
I would fight
to the death
142
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,292
to protect
the citizens'
freedom of speech.
143
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,461
Actually, sir,
we were kinda hoping
144
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:34,762
you'd come out
against that.
145
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,130
I'm okay
with that, too.
146
00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:41,101
Good afternoon, all.
147
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:43,370
I want to start out
with a personal outrage
148
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,639
that's been going on
too long.
149
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,774
Public access...
150
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:49,477
pornography.
151
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,681
You want to work on
where you break
those cards.
152
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,015
I just want to make sure
153
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,851
that material with
graphic sexual content
154
00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,587
is available and seen...
155
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:05,559
only by those people
who specifically
want to see it.
156
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,232
Okay, now,
you did that one
on purpose.
157
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,204
Paul's dad and I
actually met
158
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,673
during the big
blackout of '63.
159
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,076
We talked for seven hours
before we ever
saw each other.
160
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,411
By the time
the lights came on,
161
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:27,080
well, I was
already in love.
162
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,215
Do you know
that Paul is
163
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,151
the spitting image
of his dad?
164
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,620
I suppose
he'd have to be.
165
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:37,591
More lasagna, please.
166
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:40,728
Oh. I've never seen
such hungry boys.
167
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,029
Meat or cheese?
168
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,330
Um...
169
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:45,833
Lower.
170
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,172
Isn't this great?
Just the guys
together?
171
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,707
We should do this
more often.
172
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,775
You know what?
173
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,810
I will have some more,
too, Mrs. Lassiter,
174
00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:57,911
if that's
no trouble.
175
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,112
Well, of course not,
dear.
176
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,748
Mom, you sit down.
I'll get it.
177
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:01,849
No!
No!
178
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:05,352
Would the lady
care for a rose?
179
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:07,454
Uh, yeah,
I believe
the lady would.
180
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,996
You don't
by any chance have
a third wheel discount?
181
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,800
Oh, I uh...
I just got beeped.
182
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:20,934
I didn't
hear anything.
183
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,570
It's on vibrate.
184
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,337
Whoa.
There it goes again.
185
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,375
It's, it's the Mayor's code.
186
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:30,878
It's like having
my own secret bat signal.
187
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,681
Hmm. So, this is
what it's like
dating a superhero?
188
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:34,782
Oh, my God.
189
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:38,485
Well, it was worth it
coming all the way
out here
190
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,053
even if it was
just for a few minutes.
191
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,254
Isn't he the best?
192
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,623
The best what?
193
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,329
Think that was too much,
that whole superhero thing?
194
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:50,931
It's just that
Mike doesn't
exactly have
195
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,299
a self-confidence
problem.
196
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,167
I just hate it
when I act like a dork.
197
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,169
No, no, no.
You were fine,
really.
198
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,705
Tell you what.
199
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:58,872
Buy me a drink,
200
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,642
I'll fill you in
on all Mike's
old girlfriends.
201
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:03,711
Are we talking
high-quality dish here?
202
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:04,812
Yes.
Oh!
203
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:07,114
Hi, uh, two mai tais,
please.
204
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,481
I'll have the same.
205
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,121
I can't believe
I missed the end
of our date.
206
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,255
It's no big deal.
207
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,057
It's a huge deal.
It was the third date.
208
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:20,227
The third date
is when I usually
go in for the kiss.
209
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,329
Anyway, it was
the third date,
and it's come and gone.
210
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,197
Look, that bagel
thing yesterday,
211
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,465
let's just say
it wasn't a date.
212
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,735
(SCOFFS) Well,
that's very nice
of you to say,
213
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,803
but we'll both
always know
that it was.
214
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:31,438
Fine.
You know what?
215
00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:33,073
Let's just
get it over with.
216
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:34,642
What we're gonna
right now?
217
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:37,711
I mean, you know,
with my mom watching?
218
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:41,715
I have a huge crush
on your son.
219
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,086
So, we're gonna kiss?
220
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:47,655
You nervous?
221
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:48,922
No. No.
I've...
222
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,191
done this before.
Okay.
223
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,730
Um... it's...
Hmm.
224
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,100
Okay, now see,
this is too awkward
225
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,703
because we talked about it.
You know that it's coming.
226
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,571
I mean, you can't reclaim
a mom...
227
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,947
There.
228
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,215
You feel better now?
229
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:17,951
(IN HIGH VOICE)
A little bit.
230
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,054
Ready, sweetie?
231
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,856
Uh, not now,
schnookums.
232
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:28,628
Uh... lunch plans.
I gotta go.
233
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:33,000
Oh. Oh... stupid.
234
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,167
Oh, you mean...
235
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,303
You came over
to have lunch
with Nikki.
236
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:37,404
Yeah.
237
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:39,072
Well, that's great.
238
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,407
That's, that's
just great.
239
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,709
How great is that?
240
00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:43,911
I'm beside myself.
241
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:48,782
That's two.
242
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:51,318
You like sushi?
Oh!
243
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,820
NIKKI: Fine, really.
244
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:53,954
Tell you what...
245
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:55,789
I like sushi.
246
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:58,826
Cute couple.
247
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,527
Mike, our friends
from the porn industry
248
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,162
just sent over
this tape.
249
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:06,399
We could order in.
250
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,371
You decided to rent
a video last night
after all.
251
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:12,505
How'd you know that,
Mike?
252
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:13,741
(CLEARS THROAT)
253
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:15,408
MAYOR:
Hey, look, it's me.
254
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,080
God, I've got
a great head of hair.
255
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,316
Think I can get
a copy of this tape,
Mike?
256
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,919
Well, I doubt this
is the only one.
257
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,988
Well, the thing is,
I was looking
for a Western,
258
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,991
so I went through
the swinging saloon doors...
259
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:35,295
MAYOR: I thought that would
go into the western area,
you see.
260
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:38,665
So then I'm thinking,
well, at least,
your face isn't visible.
261
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:40,300
We've got deniability.
262
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,075
This shot,
263
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,643
is on the cover
of the Daily News.
264
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,379
My guess is
the headline won't say,
265
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,814
"Great head of hair."
266
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:57,918
Mike! Mike!
267
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,420
I'm Greg Mullins.
I represent some of
the more prominent
268
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,622
porn producers
in this town.
269
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,825
Why, your mother
must be very proud.
270
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,193
So uh, you see
the tape?
271
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:07,861
Yeah, I saw.
272
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,063
The Mayor walks in
the video store,
273
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,799
accidentally finds himself
in the adult section,
274
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:12,866
turns around
and leaves.
275
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,267
Mayor walks
in the video store,
276
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:15,803
immediately heads
for the adult
section,
277
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,938
notices camera,
panics, and flees.
278
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:20,440
Well, I am sure
that the responsible
media in this city
279
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,910
will see this for
the innocent mistake
that it is.
280
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:24,577
(CHUCKLES)
281
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:25,712
That's good.
282
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:26,914
Thank you.
283
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:27,981
So, what do you want?
284
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,682
I want you guys
to back off.
285
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,819
We're having
a press conference
at 3:00,
286
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,486
and we're showing
the tape...
287
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,721
Or not.
288
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:35,956
It's your call.
289
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:37,324
That almost sounds
like a threat.
290
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:40,327
Public access is
valuable exposure
for my clients.
291
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:42,963
Is lack of exposure
292
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,497
really a problem
for them?
293
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,436
I can't believe
they'd sink to blackmail.
294
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,271
They're
pornographers,
James.
295
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,141
I don't wanna
back down on this,
296
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:55,742
so let's look at
every viable option, okay?
297
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,911
Let's see if
we have any kind of
legal recourse.
298
00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,347
Well, I'd say we should
dig up some dirt,
299
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:04,084
but they'd probably
put it in a box
and rent it to people.
300
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,020
They're untouchable.
That's the beauty
of what they do.
301
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,089
Okay, so, Mike,
302
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,358
if you want me to,
I can...
303
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:13,560
Why are you staring at me?
304
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:14,995
Do I have spinach
in my teeth?
305
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:16,864
I don't know.
306
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,967
Did you have spinach
last night at your dinner
with Laurie?
307
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,903
No, Mediterranean.
308
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,038
Do I have
baba ganoush
in my teeth?
309
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,341
You guys had
lunch yesterday,
dinner last night.
310
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,776
You're really
hitting it off,
aren't you?
311
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,178
Yeah. Aren't you
happy for me?
312
00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:34,181
(LAUGHS) No.
313
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,449
Why not, Mike?
I thought you wanted
us to be friends.
314
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,385
Yeah,
when I'm not available.
315
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,020
You're like my understudy.
316
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,189
I can't be there,
you step in.
317
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:43,656
Audience is
a little disappointed,
318
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,058
but at least
they get a show.
319
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:47,127
Do you know
how hard it is
320
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:48,996
to find a great woman
to hang out with
in this city?
321
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,298
Yes, I do.
322
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,033
You know how hard it is
to be surrounded
323
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:55,002
by a bunch of
guys all day?
324
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:56,904
Yes, I do.
325
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,138
And do you know
what it's like
326
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,607
to finally meet a woman
whose clothes you can wear?
327
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,442
Bathing suits count?
Yeah.
328
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:03,576
Then no, I don't.
329
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,014
Aren't we being
just a wee bit
possessive?
330
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,415
No, we're not.
331
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,151
Now, give me back
my girlfriend.
332
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:15,322
Was that my mom
I just heard?
333
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,257
Yeah. Stuart and James
were giving her
334
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,292
kind of a...
hands-on tour.
335
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:20,827
Isn't that great,
huh?
336
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,429
They turned
out to be such
great friends.
337
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,530
Mmm-hmm.
338
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,935
And you don't think
they have any
ulterior motive?
339
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,202
Like what?
340
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,639
You knew
he was gonna ask.
What were you thinking?
341
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,475
Come on, Carter. What?
342
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,011
Janelle,
help me out.
343
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,679
Do I look
like a fool?
344
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,715
Paul, how do I say this?
345
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,384
(CLEARS THROAT)
Your mom's a hottie.
346
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:46,186
A whatie?
347
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:48,588
A babe.
348
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:50,157
A fox.
349
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,092
A yummy mummie.
350
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:55,828
Oh, stop it.
351
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,030
Well, look at her,
Paul.
352
00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:58,165
CARTER: Look at her.
353
00:14:58,265 --> 00:14:59,967
PAUL: Well,
she is very thin.
354
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,701
She has a lovely
head of hair.
355
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,972
She works out
all the time, so...
356
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,406
She's got
a great body.
357
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,309
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
358
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:10,978
Oh!
359
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:13,346
I just checked out
my mother!
360
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:16,749
And?
361
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:19,352
And she's
a smokin' hottie!
362
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:24,691
LAURIE: Oh, Mike,
363
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,759
I was, uh, down the block
taking a deposition.
364
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:28,761
I thought
I'd stop by and
see if you were busy.
365
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,530
You seen Nikki yet?
366
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,864
Uh, no. Uh.
367
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,400
Excellent.
368
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:34,767
So, would you like to
have dinner tonight?
369
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,703
Okay.
370
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,106
Did I hear Laurie?
Hey.
371
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:40,573
Yes, you did,
but I'm afraid
you heard her
372
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,209
a second too late.
373
00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,444
I got two tickets
to see Rent tonight.
374
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:47,414
Ah. Mike and I
are going to dinner.
375
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,682
Well, at least
you'll have
an empty seat
376
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:50,817
to put
your jacket on.
377
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,121
It's the last night
with the original cast.
378
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,422
It turns out,
379
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,258
you probably
won't have much
free time tonight.
380
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,461
I found this stack
of budget amendments
on my desk.
381
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:02,562
You have to
fill them out.
382
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,031
I should have
shown you these
days ago.
383
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,033
Sorry about that.
384
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,734
You know what's
really funny, though?
385
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,536
I knew this was
coming up,
386
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:13,073
so I got copies made
and did them all
yesterday.
387
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,274
The only thing is,
388
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:15,708
you've gotta
check them all over
and sign them.
389
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,645
I am so sorry
to drop this on you
at the last minute.
390
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:26,819
I had her first.
391
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,055
She wants to
go with me.
392
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,789
I made dinner
reservations.
I have tickets.
393
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:32,359
All right. All right, look.
You guys, if you're gonna
get competitive here,
394
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,760
the best way
to handle this
395
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:34,927
is to buy me gifts.
396
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,298
Can we stop this,
please?
397
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,799
She's right.
You're right.
398
00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,701
In fact, I think
you should just decide
399
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,470
who you want to
go with tonight.
400
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:46,306
I have no problem
with that,
401
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,408
because I'm sure
you'll make
the right decision.
402
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:51,778
Me, too.
403
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:04,857
I have a penis.
404
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,432
Don't make me
get my purse.
405
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,408
All right, Stuart.
on the other side
of this door
406
00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,009
are some of the biggest
names in porn,
407
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:24,911
your heroes.
408
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,415
I need you to
stall them for
about 20 minutes?
409
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,716
Can you do that?
410
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:34,587
Hi.
411
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:35,822
Hi.
412
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:39,992
Afternoon.
413
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,629
I am Deputy Mayor
Michael Flaherty,
414
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,232
and, uh, I'm gonna pretend
415
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,699
I don't know who
any of you are.
416
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:53,306
This is my Assistant
Deputy Mayor, Stuart Bondek,
417
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,275
and he'll be negotiating
with you this afternoon.
418
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,343
Hi.
419
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:57,744
This is just...
420
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,046
Well...
421
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:02,782
Hi.
422
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:04,917
STUART:
Let's get right to it.
423
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,354
I think that
I should start
by saying that...
424
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:10,157
I loved you in
Add Mama to the train.
425
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:19,932
Uh-oh.
426
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:22,969
Mike, shouldn't
we get in there?
427
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:24,537
Aren't those porn
people about to
release their tape?
428
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:25,738
Sorry, sir, uh,
429
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:26,839
don't worry about it.
Stuart's handling it.
430
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,176
All right.
Has everyone signed these?
431
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,911
That's enough.
You're wasting
our time.
432
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:32,979
Let's go.
433
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:34,046
Oh, wait.
434
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,815
Oh, please don't go.
435
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,685
Amber, Tiffany...
436
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,187
Amber...
437
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:41,988
Amber.
438
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:44,624
Amber!
439
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,360
And here,
at the back
of the store
440
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,728
is where
the adult videos are.
441
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:51,664
And here's our Mayor
showing how there's
no supervision.
442
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:55,067
He can just pick up
any tape he wants.
443
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,203
Now, look at
the camera
444
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,804
so we all know
it's you, Mr. Mayor.
445
00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,572
Hello, sir.
446
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,741
We made this tape to show
447
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,444
that smut is
too easily available,
448
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,045
whether it's in a store,
449
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,114
or in your living room.
450
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:11,083
MAYOR: So, if there is
any question as to our...
Yeah?
451
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,120
The porn people
are coming.
452
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,524
They're running
down the hall.
453
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:20,893
You should really see it.
It's amazing.
454
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:24,631
(CLEARS THROAT) So,
in conclusion,
that is why we have expanded
455
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,434
our quality of life
campaign to regulate
video stores
456
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:28,968
as well as
public access television.
457
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:31,238
Here is a tape
for everyone.
Just pass it around.
458
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:34,374
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a video showing
the Mayor of New York
459
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,609
renting
adult entertainment.
460
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,078
Well, that's great,
'cause uh, we're one short.
461
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,247
There you go, Betty.
462
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:45,252
All these years,
I never saw it.
463
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,086
I mean...
464
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,722
when I was a kid
and we'd all play
hide and seek,
465
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:52,259
all my friends
hid at our house.
466
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:58,431
Scotty and Timmy
and Frankie,
467
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,667
and Frankie's dad,
468
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,602
Frankie's
older brother,
469
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,204
and Frankie's
clarinet teacher.
470
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:08,275
I was,
I was such a fool.
471
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,042
No, you're not.
472
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:13,980
Darling, we Lassiters
have to accept the fact
that...
473
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:15,682
Well...
474
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,584
We're attractive people.
475
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:18,918
Oh, stop it.
476
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:20,152
What?
477
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:23,089
Mom, we both know
I'm not exactly
gorgeous.
478
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,425
Oh, yes, you are.
479
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:27,627
No, I'm not.
480
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,897
You think
I'm nice-looking
and smart, right?
481
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,434
You about to tell me
that I was adopted?
482
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,971
Out of all the men
that I could've had,
483
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,107
guess what?
484
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:42,609
I chose your father.
485
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:46,012
And you're exactly
like him in every way.
486
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:48,348
Thanks, Ma.
487
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,551
If you ask me,
488
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,786
I think I'm
better-looking
than Pop.
489
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:57,790
Why are you sulking?
490
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,826
Because you're going
to the play with Nikki.
491
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,094
We're still having
dinner together.
492
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,897
Oh, yeah, this is
very romantic.
493
00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:06,232
Chip?
No. Look, all right.
494
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,101
After the play,
(CLEARS THROAT)
495
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,604
I'm coming
right back over here
496
00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:13,039
to see you.
497
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,342
Without Nikki?
498
00:21:16,543 --> 00:21:18,177
Definitely
without Nikki.
499
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:29,356
'Cause you know,
you can bring Nikki
if you want.
500
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:33,393
MIKE: Is the play over yet?
501
00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:36,162
Yes. Yes, sir,
it's me again.
502
00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:39,366
Because I'm running
out of candles.
503
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:42,935
Three hours!
504
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:45,171
Come on,
that's ridiculous.
505
00:21:45,872 --> 00:21:46,873
No, I'm just saying,
506
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:48,975
in that time,
I could cook
507
00:21:49,075 --> 00:21:50,977
sixty three-minute eggs.
508
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:54,080
No, no, one at a time.
509
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:56,449
Come on, who has
a pot that big?
510
00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:58,385
Hello.
35468
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