Original subtitles

[Langdon humming]

[door knocking]

- Excuse me, is this Dr. Marsh's office?

- Yes, it is.

Please come in.

- I have something I need checking out.

- Oh yeah?

I think I can take a look at that for you.

- Just checking, you were joking

about having something, right?

- Shut up and kiss me.

- Things are going really well at the moment.

I'm in a relationship with the man of my dreams.

Yasmin is really starting to come into her own as a doctor.

And on top of that,

we're finally starting to curb this whole SexNOW! crisis.

Honestly at this point I don't know how things

could get any better.

[notification chime]

- Oh, my God.

The Fappies, it's happening.

It's happening!

It's happening!

It's happening!

It's happening!

- [Steph] Oh! Dammit Langdon, how many times?

- I'm sorry, it's happening.

[upbeat music]

[music ends]

- Just do what you feel is right.

Just forget I'm here,

giving you outstanding patient care.

Very good, very good, that's right.

The Fappie awards honour the best

and brightest in sexual health.

And this year they've nominated

both me and Steph for consideration.

The award is named in honor of Dr. Samuel Fapp,

a pioneer of a Edwardian sexual health.

Of course,

in those days they believed STIs were the devil's work.

And the only cure was hitting genitals

with thorn covered branches.

Adding the thorns was Dr. Fapp's idea.

- Aren't you excited about getting nominated?

I'd literally be wetting myself.

- Nah, you know what changes when you win awards?

Nothing, except for the size of your head.

- It was a fantastic patient doctor experience treating

you today Lizzie and - no pressure -

but the award only goes to the highest rated nominee.

So if you do have time, please rate me.

Highly!

[laughs]

- What was that in her hand?

She didn't have that when she came in.

- Oh, just lollies, coupons,

a hundred dollars in cash.

- Langdon, you can't bribe the patients.

- It's a goody bag!

To say thank you for choosing our clinic.

And if each bag happens to come with a chance of winning

a car with 40K on the clock, then so be it.

In unrelated news,

I'll be taking the bus to work for the foreseeable future.

[Langdon humming]

- Ah, Stephy, how goes the ratings campaign?

- There's no campaign because-

- Mine's going great too.

So what tactics are you using?

Or maybe we shouldn't tell each other?

- Same tactics I've always used Langdon.

- Okay, I see what you're doing.

- What am I "doing"?

- The whole, "I didn't try, so that's

my excuse for when I lose." thing.

- Langdon, I hate to tell you this but,

if I wanted to, I'd be wiping the floor with you.

- Stephy, you are a great doctor, but,

and I hate to tell you this.

You don't have quite what the patients

around here called the Dr. Marsh spark.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

Kev's results came back negative

and we're having a little party to celebrate. Haha!

- Just because I don't use stupid gimmicks

to wow my patients, doesn't mean I'm any less of a doctor.

I have spark.

I can be sparky.

Woo.

Yasmin, get this,

Langdon truly believes he's a better doctor than me.

- Morning Steph, please come on in.

- I don't understand how he can be so deluded.

I mean cocktails and cakes?

- Yes, wait, what?

- I mean, if I was to ask you right now.

Who's the better doctor Langdon or me? It'd be me, right?

- Yeah, no, of course.

Of course it would be.

- What was that pause?

- What pause? There was no pause.

You're both excellent doctors.

I mean you're better. Obviously.

But, but you know, Langdon just has this I dunno

what would you call it?

It's like a.

- ...a spark?

- Yeah, a spark.

- Langdon isn't the only one that can have a spark.

This just became a two-horse race.

With all the other nominee, horses, of course.

- Thank you.

- Greg. Thank God.

I am so bored. Here for a checkup?

- No, no, no.

My downstairs are all sorted now Gwenno.

It's all good. Yeah.

I'm actually in here for a lunch with Stephy,

but I brought these in.

- Awe, thanks Greg. That is so sweet.

- Yeah. All good Gwenno.

Oh actually they have them written on the lids.

So one of them is a soy latte and the other

one's a flat white with three shots of horse tranq in it.

So anyway, who's the big man?

- Big Man?

- Yeah [clicks tongue]. This one.

- Oh, Esteban. He's Uncle Julio's kid, I'm babysitting.

Since deciding I want to work with kids.

I've been applying for jobs at daycares.

But they all ask these dumb questions.

Like if I have experience working with children

and I'm like,

why would I choose to spend time with kids for free?

Uncle Julio doesn't pay much. But at least it's something.

- He's a cute little bugger isn't he?

Hello. G'day.

- He's actually really annoying.

- Is he?

- Auntie Gwen I'm bored.

- For the last time I'm your cousin. Not your auntie.

What an idiot.

- Hey ahh...

You want something to play with?

Oooh, here you go.

See how you go with that? Not bad, is it?

- Thanks Greg.

- Yeah, you gotta be careful with that mate.

All right? THAT is expensive.

Good boy.

[knocking]

- Oy oy - who's ready for some Huddleston hangs? Yeah?

- Oh, sorry cuz.

I don't have time for lunch anymore. Busy day.

- Oh, right on.

Yeah. I wasn't, wasn't looking forward to it anyway.

What's, ah, what's all this then?

- Oh,

I'm trying to think of ways to make patients rate me

higher than Langdon.

Hey, you don't still have that dog. Do you?

- Runty? Yeah, course I do.

He's like a little hairy son to me.

- Bring him in! Patients love dogs.

- Sure. No dramas. Huddleston hangs. Am I right?

[coughs] Soy.

- Esteban. That's my coffee.

- Marie.

- Four stars?

Are you sure, Kate?

Oh, you made the right choice.

Next!

- It smells like a bakery in here.

- Oh, that's just my muffins.

Please take a seat on this really comfy chair.

[chair squeaks]

- Thank you doctor.

So it's been a little while since my last cervical exam.

And so I just need to-

- Hold that thought.

- Well, I, I just need the cervical exam today.

[oven dings]

- Oh, muffin time!

- If it's all right with you,

I'd just like to get this over with.

Just the cervical exam.

- Quack quack.

- Do you smell burning?

- Oh! My muffins!

- [CD Player] Track two mating foxes. [fox squeals]

- This whole spark thing is harder than it looks.

But I've been giving it my all today

and I feel pretty good about my chances now.

[clock ticking]

- Hey cuz, how are you traveling?

- Yeah. Nearly there. Runter just wanted

to go to the park on the way over.

Then he saw a possum, so.

And then I saw a possum, you know how it is.

- Um that's great. Um, it's just,

it's a bit awkward when I promise free petting

with every checkup and there's no dog here, you know?

- Gwen, go to the Fappies site.

- Okay.

- Langdon, you texted about an emergency!?

- Yes! The daily ratings update.

God I'm nervous.

- Oh yeah. Hopefully no surprises.

Langdon?

If it doesn't work out the way you want then don't be to-

- Yes! First place!

[applauding]

- What? What about- Where am I?

- Um you are,

not first.

- Let's put up a mural. What do you think?

Just my face. [laughs]

[sighs]

[humming] - Morning Stephy!

"Cripes it's crabs." "Sorry, it's syphilis."

Ah-ha. "Going, going, gonorrhea."

So.

See the banner?

- Yeah. Bit premature. Isn't it?

- Premature?

Oh Steph, you, you don't think

you're going to beat me do you?

Oh, Steph.

Oh, Steph.

Oh, Steph.

Oh Steph. Oh.

- Can you believe him?

- Morning Steph.

No. I'd love to chat.

- The only reason he's ahead is because he's had time

to perfect his idiot shtick.

If it wasn't for his stupid gimmicks

he'd be nothing.

Oh, that's it.

Good talk. Yasmin.

- What?

- I'm not cheating.

Just leveling the playing field a little.

If Langdon wants to give free perks. Fine.

It's a free country.

- Thanks for coming in today.

I got your results and well,

I think this should about sum it up.

- Okay.

- Oh. [stutters]

[knocks on door]

- Steph, care to explain how a rather hurtful

and not at all factual cake

ended up in my possession this morning?

- No idea mate. Wouldn't know much about cakes.

- Come on Runter.

- Greg, where were you yesterday?

I was stuck with, you know who for the whole day.

- Oh no, Runty had a turn down at the park.

Yeah. He's not very good with strangers.

Or people he knows.

[notification chimes]

- Oh my God.

- What?

- I got an interview!

- Oh, that's unreal Gwenno, where at?

- Oakland's daycare.

Finally. Oh my God.

Okay. Esteban, I don't need you anymore.

You can go home now.

Esteban?

I don't know.

- Alrighty, Huddleston hangs take dos.

- Oh, thank God you're here.

- Oh yeah? I'm pretty popular. What's up?

- Don't get too comfy, I need your help with something.

- Well alright, anything for the old fam.

What's cooking?

- Well, what I want you to do...

- Yeah?

- Oh, hello Dr. Marsh.

I know I do not have an appointment,

but could you fit me in for quick ... checkup?

- Of course Greg! Would the soon-to-be

sexual health Doctor of the Year,

say no to a patient in need?

- Thank you. I'm going to come in now.

- I'm content, still in remission.

- Oh thank goodness doc. Yeah, what a relief.

- I just realised, if you're a patient,

I can shoot you through a link to the nominee review.

Five stars in the bag am I right?

- Yeah. Yeah. In the bag. [deep breaths]

[Steph and Greg laughing] - Do it.

- I see how it is. If war is what Steph wants,

then she's about to discover

why they called me 'Slimy Marsh' at med school.

Well, one of the reasons.

- Alright. Yeah get it out, a little bit of a shit.

Good boy.

Good boy.

Good size.

[sniffs]

- Oh, it smells like dog's shit.

Oh, Langdon! [gags]

- Ew what is that smell?

- I think Steph's cooking dog turds.

- Have you seen the daily results yet?

- Yasmin, you texted about an emergency.

That's a dirty trick.

- Sit down.

Have either of you seen the daily results yet?

You've both been overtaken by a gynecologist from Brisbane.

- What?

- Now, if you don't end this stupid spat,

neither of you are going to win.

So I'm going to leave now.

And when I come back,

I want this done with.

[both arguing loudly]

[STEPH] You're making cocktails, so unprofessional!

[LANGDON] It's not unprofessional to keep people hydrated!

It took a lot of kicking and screaming and a surprising

amount of singing, but they finally reached a truce.

- I guess we both got a bit carried away.

But we agreed to cut down on the gimmicks.

The winner will be the better doctor.

Simple as that.

[Piano playing]

♪ Who will be the sexual health doctor of the year. ♪

You're looking wonderful ladies and gentlemen,

we're going to have a fantastic night.

♪ Who will it be

♪ Is it they, he or she

♪ Who will be the sexual health ♪

♪ Doctor of the year

[Audience applauding]

- You're looking sharp.

- Thanks Stephy, you too.

Good luck tonight. I mean it.

- Thanks, you too.

- Hello all, Julian - head of the judging board.

Just doing the rounds.

Great work on getting the numbers down

and the best of luck tonight.

I'm rooting for you both in a very non-biased way of course.

[laughing]

- Jesus.

- Dr. Huddleston.

This must be 'the' Dr. Marsh.

- Yeah, that's him.

- Well, I just want to say good luck

and well done despite everything.

- Thanks.

- So I take it there was no luck finding any dirt on him?

- You do realise he's been nominated

for the sexual health doctor of the year, right?

- Oh please.

You don't think a man of his notoriety

gets nominated by fair means, do you?

- What are you suggesting?

- Stepho?

Steph. [stutters]

- Oh, just one second.

- Hello and welcome to the 37th Annual Fappie Awards live

from the Yarraville Club.

- What did you bring a dog to an awards ceremony for?

[Audience applauding]

- I thought you wanted some last minute publicity.

That's why you invited me right?

- Nah, forget the dog mate.

I just wanted to hang.

- Oh yeah? A Huddleston hang?

- Yeah! Come on I don't want to miss any before I win.

- Can you hold me dog? He's good with strangers.

It's all good.

- We are here. We have this fantastic award

that is up for grabs this evening, who will be the winner?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of this year's Fappie Award

is a true professional.

A valiant motivating angel of justice

in the fight against STIs.

They have had some Steph, some sorry,

STIFF competition getting to the top.

But they finally got there.

I'm talking about of course the winner

of this year's sexual health doctor of the year award.

[drum roll]

Dr. Langdon Marsh.

[audience applauding]

- Oh, wow. This is so exciting.

I wanted to be a doctor ever since I was younger.

when I was, I was about 13,

I had this persistent erection

[piano playing]

♪ The swabs have been sent off

♪ The pants have pulled back up ♪

♪ We even sent the fecal samples ♪

♪ Please bring back the cup

♪ Although it's not so clear to you ♪

- Two glasses of red please.

[sighs]

I've never seen Steph like this,

she tries not to show it but this sort

of thing really gets to her.

- She'll bounce back.

I don't mean to brag, but I know Steph pretty well.

How do you know her?

- I'm her wife.

- What?!

- Hey, Herman? Um, do you remember me?

Yasmin. What are you doing here?

- Father's on the board of directors.

I'm standing in for him.

- Did you end up finding a placement in the end?

- Not as such, no.

Ended up flunking, actually.

Daddy didn't take the news too well.

- Well, you know,

I mean maybe you dodged a bullet. Sometimes I feel like

I'm the only grownup at that place.

- Yeah.

Well, whilst I would love to sit and listen to you

go on about the placement you cheated me out of,

I just got a match and this Betty won't bang herself.

[clicks tongue] Ciao.

[humming]

- Ready to go?

- Oh, almost forgot - Julian wanted

to congratulate me before I go.

- Sure thing.

- All ready for your interview tomorrow?

- I think so. I'm actually pretty nervous.

- Oh, you'll get it Gwenno.

Of course you will. You're the best.

- I wish I had your confidence.

- Yeah. I'm pretty brave.

- Betty?

Betty?

- I just wanted to say thank you.

- No problem. Anything for you.

- Yeah.

- Right. So I was thinking...

- Oh my God, Steph.

You have to see this video Herman just showed me.

- what's this? It's Langdon and that Clairmont guy.

[gasps] That slimy little...

Marsh!

- Langdon cheated!

I should be sexual health doctor of the year, not him.

- Great. This will work perfectly.

- What?

- We've got him Dr. Huddleston.

- Oh no. [stutters]

- What's this?

- Hey fam. What's the haps?

- Dr. Langdon Marsh - you are hereby suspended

for gross unethical behaviour.

Namely the act of seducing one,

Julian Clairmont in order to win the award

for sexual health doctor of the year.

- What?

[piano playing]

♪ So goodbye, goodbye from the Fappies ♪

♪ Yes, goodbye, goodbye from the Fappies ♪

♪ Yes goodbye, goodbye from the Fappies ♪

♪ Goodbye

♪ Goodbye

[Music fades]