Original subtitles

- So, what can I help you with today?

- Is it not obvious?

- Is it, is it the erection?

- It is the erection, yes, it won't go down.

- When I first got here, I just thought sexual health

was the same six or seven diseases everyone thinks of

when they hear 'gunky genitals'.

But people really do come in

when there's anything wrong below the belt.

And some can be quite amusing. [giggles]

Hey, Steph, this last patient was pretty good,

think I aced it though.

- Yeah? - So pretty funny.

He took Viagra at a party last night,

now he has this huge erection that won't go down.

- Sounds like priapism, how long has he had it for?

- Like five hours.

- Right, that means we've got an hour

to get him to hospital

before his penis literally dies and falls off.

- What?

And others can be truly terrifying.

But on the plus side, it's my first ever

thank-you-for-saving-my-penis'se card.

[title music]

- Ha, how is SexNOW! still a thing?

- I know, right?

- Seriously?

- What?

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

- Gwen, you hear that?

STIs, like me, don't discriminate by race or colour,

which got me thinking...

If we really wanna get this crisis under control,

we need to connect with everyone.

So yesterday I took the liberty

of putting up some posters around some

of our more multicultural communities.

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

- Do you want me to call the interpreters?

- No need, I smashed me some Duolingo last night.

NP hNo.

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

- NP hNo.

- I'll call the interpreter.

- Okay, Sam, so what I'll do is,

I'll get you to do a urine test and then

we'll just grab throat and rectal swabs,

just to be on the safe side.

- Oh, I only need a swab on my sack, not on my crack.

- Ah, yeah, have you had any receptive anal sex?

- I'm not gay.

- It's not what I asked. - I just don't need it, okay?

- Okay.

- Steph, there you are.

Your first patient was like 10 minutes ago.

- Yeah. - Are you all right?

- Fantastic.

As you get older, you find that some days you wake up

and you're just not feeling your best.

And sure, when I sat down this morning,

I felt a mild discomfort, but hey,

that's just the joys of aging.

[hand rapping]

Busy, go away, Langdon.

[hand rapping]

Now is not a good time.

- Oh, are you with a patient?

- Not as such.

What do you want?

- It's just this guy, he's refusing to get a rectal swab,

but I'm sure he has chlamydia.

Could you talk to him?

- Do I have to stand up?

- [Computer Voice] Does it sting when you urinate?

[computer voice speaks in Mandarin]

[Langdon tries to repeat in Mandarin]

- [Gwen] Langdon, interpreter's here.

- Oh, thank God.

[Jian speaking quietly]

- Oh, Dr. Marsh, hi, nice to meet you, I'm Calvin.

- I'm Langdon... Felicity Marsh.

- I hope I'm not putting you out too much being here.

Your receptionist said you already speak Mandarin.

- Me, yeah, I'm basically fluent.

- Oh, multi-linguist, man after my own heart.

[Calvin speaks in Mandarin]

- So should we get on with it?

- Yup.

- He said, "Man after my own heart."

Does that mean he's gay?

I'm terrible at reading signs.

Like the time my plumber commented

on how nice my pipes were and I thought he was gay.

Or the time my Tinder date said the same thing

and I thought he was a plumber.

The important thing is I don't read too much into it.

[upbeat music]

All right, let's start with a few routine questions.

Are you in a relationship, Jian?

[Calvin speaks in Mandarin]

[Jian speaks in Mandarin]

- No, he's not.

- I actually find in these situations

that it makes the patient feel more comfortable

if the interpreter also answers the questions.

You know, in solidarity.

- Oh, okay, unusual, but I'm also single.

- Great, excellent, fantastic news, Jian.

Next question.

Do you have sex with men, women, or both?

[Calvin speaks in Mandarin]

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

- I like having intercourse with men, very much.

- The patient?

- Yes, that's what Jian said.

- Of course.

And... for solidarity?

- Oh, is that really necessary?

Jian looks pretty relaxed.

- Yes, of course.

Next question.

How frequently do you have sex with men?

[Calvin speaks in Mandarin]

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

- I enjoy sleeping with men often.

You're very handsome by the way.

- Okay.

- Okay, so Sam, this is Dr. Huddleston,

who's going to explain to you why a rectal swab

is the right thing to do.

- Right, well, the rectal swab

is something we give to all of our patients

regardless of whether... [groans]

I must go now.

- I'll be right back.

What was that?

- Oh, it's just temporary.

Extreme pain, it's - I'm fine.

- I've seen this behaviour before.

A few years back, my dad couldn't sit down

without screaming God's name.

We all thought he was being particularly devout

but it turned out he just had piles.

Steph has piles.

[Greg whistling]

- Hey, Greg, what's with the robot arm?

- Oh, just a bit of the old community service

'cause of the old dogging mishap last week.

- Cool, hey, how did you know you wanted to be a bikie?

- Oh, kind of fell into it, didn't I, you know?

Just, um, yeah, why?

You're not thinking of taking up the leather,

are you, Gwenno?

- Nah, maybe I could be a doctor?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, or something else, maybe.

[Langdon humming]

- It's not the weirdest way I've met a future boyfriend,

but it's not far off.

Presuming he likes me or men even.

[groans] Just cannot get that out of him.

Thanks for waiting.

So Jian, looks like you've picked up

a little urinary tract infection.

I'll write you a script for some antibiotics

and this should clear up in no time.

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

- He thanks you with his heart and with his penis.

- Isn't he the most beautiful person you've ever seen?

- I guess, just ask him out already.

- I don't know if he likes guys.

And the last time I asked out a man without being sure,

I had a very awkward physio session.

- The interpreter, he's gay.

I'm getting total vibes off him.

And he used to date my friend, Pete.

- Peter, that is a man's name.

He's gay, Gwen, he's gay!

- [Computer Voice] Will you go out with me?

[computer voice speaks in Mandarin]

- Sorry, Calvin, just before you go.

Gwen, where's Calvin?

- He had to go.

He said something like, "Tell Langdon hello."

- Hello?

- Or maybe it was goodbye?

- Gwen, call the interpreters, they've got to send him back.

- What? What should I tell them?

- I don't know, make something up.

We've just got to get Calvin back.

Jian's in more desperate danger

than we could ever have imagined.

[upbeat music]

- Last question, all right?

How much do you want to interact with the public?

All the time?

Sometimes? Or never?

It's all the time, isn't it?

- Never.

- Yeah, no, that was my second guess.

And that means that your dream job is...

VCR repairman.

- What the hell is a VCR?

[groans] Why can't someone just tell me what I wanna do?

- All right, how about you do whatever the next chump

that walks through that door does, okay?

A bit of fun, right?

Yeah? Here we go.

Okay, here we go.

[Gwen groans]

That's a shame.

- I'm here to see Dr. Huddleston, is she available?

- Maybe, why would I know?

- Can you please get your piles away from my soup?

- What?

I don't have piles. - Really?

The frequent bathroom breaks?

The desire to eat lunch standing up?

- I like standing up, means I can put out fires.

- [Gwen] Steph, woman from the health department

here to see you.

- See?

- Dr. Huddleston, please, take seat.

- I'd rather not.

Sorry, who are you?

- Amelia Krabb. Your boss, Miranda Graft,

sent me down to make some changes.

So please, shut the door and take a seat.

I'll cut to the chase.

We're fighting a losing battle against this STI epidemic.

I've poured over the records and identified exactly

where the weak link is.

It's Dr. Marsh.

Taking on a medical student without approval.

The fiasco with the billboard,

not to mention claiming dating site signup fees

as a business expense.

- He did what?

- But you can't fire a doctor without just cause,

it's ridiculous, I know.

If we all played by that rule

I'd still be married to that deadbeat first husband of mine.

If we could just catch him in a compromising position,

like my second husband, with that girl from the deli,

then we could get this crisis under control.

- Ms. Krabb, I can assure you

there is no unethical behaviour happening in this clinic.

- Hey, I came back as soon as I heard.

The receptionist said Jian's caught some weird new STI?

- She did, did she?

Well, that is indeed true.

- She said it's something called Lythical Marshiosis?

- What?!

I mean, yes, like Gwen said, it's very rare.

I didn't recognise it at first

because the symptoms present very similarly to a UTI.

- But it's worse, right?

I mean, of course it is,

you wouldn't call me back otherwise.

- Of course, I would never do that.

- Right, well, let me phone HQ and see

if we can get someone to cover

the rest of my day, all right?

[Jian speaks in Mandarin]

- Oh, Jian, thank God you have no idea

what's really going on.

- Okay, yeah, yeah, sure.

- How about a phone salesman?

- I told you I don't like jobs

where I have to speak out loud.

- As I said, one sniff of a fire-able offense, you let know.

Us women need to stick together in this man-eat-dog world.

And see a doctor, I don't know what's wrong with you,

but it's embarrassing.

- She has piles.

- Steph, have you got piles?

- I don't have piles.

- [Greg] Oh, no.

- So doctor, what are the symptoms?

- Good question.

So there'll be some... it's not too bad, really.

It's a bit of stinging.

[Calvin translating in Mandarin]

- Is that all?

Really, Dr. Marsh, I probably

could have translated that on the phone.

- No, that's obviously just to start with,

then there will be bleeding.

Probably some pus, no, a lot of pus.

[Calvin speaking in foreign language]

Then there's a small chance

his penis might recede back into his body.

[Calvin translating in Mandarin]

Sure, this feels unethical right now,

but think what a story this will make

when we tell it to the grandkids.

And you know, nobody's getting hurt.

Jian will be fine and he'll know that.

Eventually.

- I can't believe it.

You sure it can actually cause leprosy?

- Like I said, it's very rare in Australia.

Hey, don't read that! It's very confidential.

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

- What's this?

It says he's positive for a urinary tract infection.

- Look, the thing is-

- There's no such thing as Lythical Marshiosis, is there?

I don't understand, why would you put this poor man

through so much torment?

- 'Cause I wanted to ask you.

NP yuàny ì hé wR hu ma?

- That made no sense.

- I wanted to ask you out.

- You did all this to ask me out on a date?

And to think I was starting to like you.

[hand rapping]

- Hi, before you ask,

no, I don't wanna sit down.

- I know, and don't be mad,

but I booked you an appointment

at the medical centre down the road at 3:00,

just so you can go and find out exactly why it is

you don't want to sit down.

- I'll think about it.

- Or I could have a look?

- No. - No, totally fair.

- Ah, Greg, I think I've got it.

- Oh, yeah?

- I could be an artist.

- Wow, y-you did that?

That's brilliant, abstract, isn't it?

- I was kind of like on the fence about it,

but if you think it's good...?

- Oh, yeah, nah, yeah... course it is.

- Here, prescription.

I printed the instructions in Mandarin.

Should clear that infection up.

I know you can't understand me,

but I wanted to apologise to you anyway.

A doctor should never compromise the health

of one of his patients.

Even for a shot at love.

[Jian speaking in Mandarin]

[hand rapping]

- [Steph] Yeah?

- Seriously, you're still here?

- I wanted to go, I just can't.

- Don't be so melodramatic.

- No, 'cause I literally can't stand up.

- Oh... oh! - Yeah.

- Well, I'm a doctor and I'm here.

- No, no way.

- Well, I can always go get Langdon.

- No.

- Then let me take a look.

- All right.

No one ever finds out about this.

- Okay.

- Turns out I don't have piles after all.

It's actually endometriosis that has spread to my bowel.

So, yeah, much more serious.

Got carted off and had to have a laparoscopy.

I should thank Yasmin at some point, I guess.

She did good.

- Yeah, Steph and I are closer than before.

I mean, you can't really go through that sort of experience

and not be irreversibly changed by it.

But she's okay, you know, and that's what matters.

- Hi, is Dr. Marsh in?

- I don't know, I'm busy.

- Cute, did someone's kid draw that?

- What?

- The drawing; kids have the wildest imaginations, right?

- Did you hear that?

- Yeah, look, Gwenno, maybe your art is a little bit-

- He said that I have the imagination of a child.

That's who I should be working with.

I love kids.

- You do? - Yeah.

Why wouldn't you think I liked kids?

- Aw.

[metal balls clicking]

[hand rapping]

- Hey. - Hey.

- I'm looking for the big, dumb idiot

who intentionally puts his patients at risk

as a stand in for romantic gestures.

Is he around?

Look, my reaction yesterday was, um,

was a bit over the top,

but really... what possessed you?

- I panicked, like I always do

when I meet someone I like.

- What you were doing,

I guess it could almost be seen as romantic.

- Right?

And it'd make a great story for the grand-

For... people.

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, Jian got in contact.

He said he has never seen anyone so pathetically cute.

He reckons I should give you a chance, so.

I just wanted to say.

[Calvin speaking in Mandarin]

- What did he say?

What did he say?

Tell me you were rolling!

[upbeat music]

- What do Al Capone, Lenin,

and my neighbour Alan have in common?

That's right, syphilis.

- Syphilis, if left untreated, can be

one of the more dangerous STIs out there.

It's transmitted via skin-to-skin contact,

so although condoms and dental dams greatly reduce

the risk of transmission, there's still a chance

you could catch it while having sex.

- But the good news is that, if detected early,

syphilis is curable,

which is why going for regular screening tests

is always so important.

[theme music]