Original subtitles

[moaning]

- Showtime.

When spreading the word about STIs

you have to mix your tactics up a

little and here's something

no one else in history has ever worked out before.

Nothing controls the general public like fear.

Boo!

Use a condom or you'll become infected and end up like me!

Arghh!

Don't be laid low by the curse of ignorance!

Ooh!

- Oi!

- Abort mission!

You can't kill the undead!!

[screaming]

[Titles: Metro Sexual music]

- Isn't she beautiful?

[birds singing]

Yes. The STI outbreak is still ongoing

and yes we haven't managed

to make a single dent in the numbers, yet.

But, last week the health department

released an emergency fund

to help clinics raise sexual health awareness.

This billboard was my pitch for how to spend the money.

And what do you know?

It just so happens to be visible

from a certain notorious car park.

Let's see them ignore that.

- That's funny.

I've got a patient today called Martha Bradbury.

- Oh, that is funny.

- Martha Bradbury was the name

of my imaginary friend as a kid.

- You had an imaginary friend called "Martha Bradbury"?

- Yeah.

- That is the lamest thing I've ever heard.

What does she do? Work at the boring factory?

- No.

She was an accountant.

- Oh my God.

Your actual imaginary friend was an accountant?

- It's not weird for a kid to have

a 52 year old accountant as an imaginary friend.

Martha and I would have the craziest adventures.

Like, get this, one time we calculated

dad's capital gains tax using the indexation method...

Oh my God... she WAS lame.

- Morning. Did you get those printouts Langdon was--

Yeah. That'd be them.

- Oh, Steve Goodwin called about his test results.

- Does he want us to call him back?

I have a great rapport here with everyone.

Everyone except Gwen.

I don't know why, but we just never quite hit it off.

- If you could have either a million bucks cash

or a lifetime supply of Filet-O-Fish?

- Oh, it's a tough one.

But seeing as I hate Filet-O-Fish,

maybe the million bucks would be good. Yeah.

- Yeah? Good choice.

- What about you?

- Filet-O-Fish.

- Yeah, a lifetime supply. Absolutely.

- Got to go.

- Yeah I'll... catch ya later.

- Greg, you know Gwen pretty well.

- Me? You reckon I know Gwen?

[laughs]

I wouldn't say I know her, but, yeah.

- Right well whatever. You talk to her a lot.

Does she ever mention me?

- Yeah, nah, no no no... what?

- Well it's just sometimes I get the feeling

she doesn't like me.

- Doesn't like ya?

[laughs]

Doesn't like ya?

[laughs]

You're on crack Yasso.

You're a great gaff.

- Yeah. I am great.

But what kind of stuff does Gwen like?

You know to like break the ice?

What do you guys talk about?

- Oh, ummmmm....

I'd say 85% of what we talk about is

how much Gwen hates Yasso.

Without that we'd have like [grunts]

85% less stuff to talk about.

We really need to find some more things in common.

- Okay next up we have, oh - it's Martha.

- Good morning Doctor Huddleston.

- This is a drawing I did when I was five years old.

That's just a coincidence, right?

Hello Martha Bradbury.

It's me Steph-anie.

How are you?

- Very well now, thank you.

- So Joseph we will get this sample off to the lab

and go from there.

- [Gwen] [phone message] Langdon,

police on the line for you.

- Look at it.

A complete eyesore.

- Yes. I have to say this is the first time that

graffiti has resulted in less penises on a billboard.

- So how are you going to find the hooligans who did this?

Fingerprints? Stake out?

- No. We can check CCTV footage,

but I wouldn't hold your breath.

- That's it? It's going to cost me the rest of the

emergency fund to get that monstrosity cleaned off.

- Frankly I suggest just leaving it be.

That diseased penis had a lot of us

on patrol feeling a little bit queasy.

And we deal with homicides for a living.

- Well if you're not going to take the case then

I guess I'll just have to.

- There is no case.

And you're not going to take the law into your own hands.

- Oh no, I won't.

- Why are you winking at me?

- I'm not winking.

- Stop winking.

- I'll stop.

- That was another wink.

- So, Martha Bradbury...

Been up to much today, Martha Bradbury?

- Not really. Just work.

- Ah yeah? What's work?

- I'm with an accountancy firm in the city.

- You're an accountant?

- M'hm. Have been for 36 years.

- Really. Well that's interesting.

Um, tell me what's your favourite way

to calculate say capital gains tax?

- Indexation method. Unquestionably.

Stephanie?

- How did you know my name Martha Bradbury?

- You told me on the way in.

You all right?

- I don't know.

- What? I'm busy.

- Well I couldn't help but notice you're listening to music.

What are you into?

- I hate music.

- What about instruments? Do you play?

- Maybe.

- Really? Me too. What do you play?

- What do you play?

- Piano, violin, french horn.

- Do you play guitar?

- No.

- Good. I play guitar.

- Hey, psst. Did Gwen just say she likes to

play the sitar?

- Yeah Greg.

- Yeah?

- Gwen plays the sitar.

- Ah the sitar.

Maybe we will have something in common after all.

[laughs]

Yes is that Marco?

I saw your Gumtree post mate.

Hey is the s-i-t-a-r still available?

Great, what's the address?

- Greg! I need your help taking the law into my own hands.

- I'll call you back.

You just tell me where to go Doc.

I bloody love taking the law into my own hands.

- What about your patients?

- Y'know what, you have been doing such a great job,

I think you are ready to start taking patients

on a more permanent basis.

Specifically my patients.

Think you can handle it?

- Oh, of course. I am so ready for this.

[screaming]

- My Mooncup is stuck!

My Mooncup is stuck!

Put the gloves on and get in my vagina now!

- I know.

All right, the cleaners arrive in a hour.

There's two gates into the park

so we will have to monitor one each.

- Bloody love me a good stake out.

So right, when this dickhead comes

we terminate with extreme prejudice yeah?

- No. Don't hurt him.

Just restrain him until the police arrive.

- Okay.

- No one touches my penis and gets away with it.

- Right.

[Martha] Thank you very much.

[Stephanie] Tell me you can see her?

- Yeah, she's even more boring than I thought she'd be.

Why are you so freaked out?

- You don't understand.

That woman isn't just similar to my imaginary friend,

that IS Martha Bradbury.

- That's great.

You can be lame friends again

and go play in the boring factory together.

- Yeah but there's something I haven't told you.

Something important.

Martha wasn't just a 52 year old accountant.

That was just a cover.

- For what?

- Martha Bradbury...

was Australia's deadliest serial killer.

[playing sitar]

♪ I really like you. I really like you. ♪

♪ I really like you Gweno.

- [ Langdon over walkie-talkie] Come in Leather Eagle.

Still awake?

- Yeah mate, I'm still awake.

Nothing yet.

- Alright keep me posted.

[knocking on window]

- Ah-hah! Jimmy Brings! Yes he does.

The secret to any successful stake out

is to ingest your own weight in sugar.

Now as long as I don't suddenly crash

I'll be able to stay up aaalllllll-

[snoring]

- Hello hello. Who is this then?

The old 'flashy flashy' hey.

[laughs]

That's great.

[singing]

Er you all right love?

What are you doing?

What's going on?

- Grrrr

- Hands of the leather. Hands of the [bleep] leather.

[police siren]

Oh no that's never good.

[Car horn]

- No!

Damn it!

Leather Eagle! Come in!

Hey!

Stop!

Stop!

Citizens arrest!

Citizen's arrest!

- Get off me!

- Wow, you look terrible.

- I haven't slept. Martha's results came in.

She's got Hep B.

- How's she going to do it?

- What?

- When she kills you?

- She's not going to kill me.

That Martha is not the same person.

Despite the fact that she is exactly the same

in every single other way.

- But like what if she was?

- Well... she'd snap my neck.

That's how Martha always did it.

She'd stand behind you and

[Clicks fingers]

- Oh.

- But she won't do that to me.

Why would she hurt me?

- Yeah, it's not like you have

any bad news for her or anything.

Mmm good luck.

[humming]

- Citizen's arrest

Citizen's arrest

Citizen's arrest

This is still a citizen's arrest!

I want answers!

Why are you covering up my penis?

- That's your penis?

- No it's not my, just answer the question.

Why are you trying to stop me from advertising my clinic?

Alright then.

Police it is.

- You can just palm her off on Yasmin.

No one will care if Yasmin gets murdered.

- No.

She's my responsibility Gwen.

Martha?

- Stephanie. I've just been dying to get

those test results.

As I'm sure you have been too.

Are you all right Stephanie?

I've never seen you this tense.

- You've only seen me once before, haven't you?

- Yes and you weren't this tense.

- It's because

I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

- Oh dear me.

Those shoulders.

- Sorry?

- I can see the knots in them from here.

You need those seen to.

- Okay.

- In fact, let me.

I've been told I have deadly massaging hands.

- Oh, oh no that won't be necessary Martha Bradbury.

- Don't be silly, Stephanie.

This won't hurt anymore than it has to.

Now, you were saying something about test results.

[whimpering]

- Do you hate me because you ate some of that

torshi I brought you from home one time?

- No.

- Do you hate me because I left that urine sample

in the staff room and you thought it was apple juice?

- Yes. But it's not that.

- Do you hate me because-

- Ugh, I don't hate you because of anything

you did wrong okay??

You're just good at everything. You suck.

- SHE'S GONNA KILL MEEEE!

[screaming]

- I hope you are happy with yourself.

Tell me, do you have children?

'Cause like it or not, your kids are going to have sex.

And if we're not there to inform them

what will happen if they're all willy nilly

with their willies, then their genitals

will end up like the one you keep vandalising.

- Inform them.

- Yes. Inform them.

- That billboard is directly outside my

12-year-old son's bedroom window. He's been having

nightmares about diseased genitals ever since it went up.

There's a sex ed class at school

and half way through the lesson

he had a full blown panic attack.

- That's just wrong. He shouldn't be scared of sex.

- Well he is.

- That's why you hid my penis...

- There you are.

- Yeah, sorry.

Is Martha still here?

- You just missed her.

She's pretty bummed about that time

that you ran out of your office screaming.

Yeah.

[car starting]

- Oh, hey, can we talk please?

Please?

I shouldn't have freaked out.

You remind me of someone that I knew a long time ago.

- And that made you run away screaming?

- It's... it's kind of complicated.

- I shouldn't have tried giving you a massage.

I think I was just trying to put off the bad news

as long as possible.

Okay, you see, my husband and I,

we separated recently

and last week I went on my first date

in 20 years.

I don't know, being my age and catching something...

- You should never feel ashamed.

I couldn't live with myself

if I'd let you go home feeling that way.

Should we head back inside and talk?

- I may have jumped to some conclusions.

Turns out that giant coincidences do happen.

And lo and behold, if you behave rashly

then sometimes you end up looking like a giant dildo.

- Officer Paul! There you are.

- Doctor Marsh.

I hear you have been taking the law into your own hands

after I explicitly told you not to.

- You can't say it didn't yield results, now can you?

- Where's this vandal of yours then?

- The vandal is right...

Not here. I was wrong.

Looks like taking the law into my own hands didn't work.

So, fine me.

- All right I will - for wasting police time.

- What?! I mean-

- What he means to say is he didn't find the vandal

but he found me. My house is right next to the park

so I saw who did it.

- Alright. If you'd like to come down to the

station with me ma'am, we'll take your statement.

- Great. Great!

Thank you again for coming forward Fiona.

As a witness.

- Not a problem doctor.

- Oh, and even if you do find the vandal,

which we probably never will,

I think I will take the billboard down anyway.

No one should be frightened of sex.

- Sure. Doesn't really matter to me.

- [Gwen] [phone message] Langdon,

Graft on the line for you.

- So I had the billboard taken down.

I used up the whole emergency fund

so Graft's pretty mad with me.

But I had a new idea.

We shouldn't be scaring people with sex.

We should be celebrating it

and protecting those bits that bring so much joy.

Oh, before you go Joe

I don't suppose you'd mind doing a little

vox pop for us?

Yasmin!

- Yeah.

I don't like Yasmin because she is so good at everything.

But I guess who I'm really annoyed at is myself.

I think it's time I started to do what I want to do.

Now I just have to work out what that is.

- [TV] Yeah you know, it was... fine.

- [Langdon voiceover] And that's

what makes Metropolitan Sexual Health

a safe and fun place for everyone.

[sitar clanging]

- Ew, what's that noise?!

- Oh, that's Gr-

- Yeah what is that racket doc?

Bloody oath.

- Good job mate.

- Yeah.

- Thanks Steph.

- Very good.

- Well done man.

- All good.

- Team effort!

[broadcasting]

- This week... she snapped the necks

of doctors all around Australia.

But will she bend the law to breaking point?

Martha Bradbury is up next

on "Psychopathic Killers Uncovered."

[WOMAN ON TV] Martha, what are you doing?

[WOMAN ON TV] Martha?

No! [SOUND OF NECK SNAPPING]

[theme music]

- If your vagina is itchy, sore,

smelly or producing abnormal discharge

then it might not necessarily be an STI.

- So don't panic too soon.

There are several infections that are simply

the result of imbalances in the natural

flora of your genitals.

- The important thing is that these conditions

rarely cause long term health issues

so before you panic, visit your doctor

and find out exactly what's up down there.

- Yeah there's no need to THRUSH to conclusions.

[end credits music]