Original subtitles

- If you click here,

you can see the results of yesterday's patients.

Chlamydia, herpes, ah... gonorrhea!

That's what that was.

Ever since Yasmin started here,

I've been live streaming

what I teach her for other aspiring doctors.

One time when I was recording,

Langdon came in to tell me about a guy

that he'd been hooking up with.

And what do you know?

Most listeners I've ever had.

Been on any more dates recently?

- I met this guy Ronaldo last night.

- Is that right?

- It was pretty hot and steamy.

- I've managed to convince him

he's a real modern day Casanova.

- I tell ya, all the way to my coccyx.

- Wow, can you say that again, a little bit clearer?

- Yeah, sure. To my coccyx.

- Doctor Langdon Marsh everyone.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, what a week.

- Oh alright cuz? You're in early.

- Yeah. Early bird and all.

What's all this then?

- Steph's got some big-shot senator

coming in for a screening.

- Gwen, that information is on a need-to-know basis.

- What, it's just Greg.

- Yeah, come on, it's just me cuz.

So a senator eh.

That's pretty bloody exciting, isn't it?

- I hate him.

- Oh yeah, Pollies. [beep] 'em.

Bunch of bloody sleazebags I reckon.

- Recently we've been battling an STI epidemic,

thanks to the new dating app SexNow.

And it seems not even politicians

are immune to the promise of constant meaningless sex.

Who'd have thought?

[background TV interview]

- Phone tubs are done. Blinds are down.

Yasmin?

- Have you seen this?

- So yeah, there is a place for everyone.

But, sadly, in this case,

there just isn't enough room

for immigrants here in Australia.

Metaphorically speaking of course.

I mean, literally speaking there's loads of it.

- You know his campaign motto used to be

Straight Families First,

and then when he got caught out,

he pretended it was a typo that was meant to be

Families Straight First.

- And remember, Families Straight First.

- [sighs] We need a new plague.

- So, it's just the regular

three monthly testosterone shot today?

- That's the one.

Man, last weekend was wild hey?

- [chuckles] Sure was.

Jake is an... associate of mine.

We regularly go out on the weekends

for respectable evenings of entertainment.

Concerts, picture shows, speakeasies and the such.

- [laughing] Look how munted you are!

- Yeah.

- Hey, which one of those backpackers

you end up going home with?

Kristoff or Bernardo?

- Well...

- Oh my God. Both?

- [chuckling]

- [laughing] You, you've been busy.

- It's bad enough, the way he denigrates immigrants.

You know, if he had it his way I wouldn't even be here.

- Yeah, he's a turd,

but if we pick and choose who we treat,

we're no better than the rest of them.

- Yeah, I know.

- And like a turd,

the sooner we flush him through this clinic,

the less of a stench he'll leave.

[knock sounds on door]

- I'll be good.

- [Steph] Okay.

- Good morning there,

I was looking for a Doctor Huddleston.

Is he in?

- Oh, that's me.

- [astonished laugh] Ah, very good.

So where is he?

Oh!

Well, your woman superior told me

you're the one for the job.

I shan't doubt her.

- Okay. Well, let's get this over with.

- My thoughts exactly.

- Come on.

- Take care of that would you.

And er, and you're a lesbian, you say?

- Shocking I know.

- Is that gonna be a problem?

- No, no not at all.

Despite my political leanings, I can be very open-minded.

I have a sister who proudly came out over a decade ago.

- Oh, and how is she?

- I wouldn't know.

Yeah, I haven't spoken to her in about 10 years.

- Right. Well, before we begin,

I'm just gonna ask you a series of routine questions

regarding your sexual activity.

- Fire away.

- How often do you have sex?

- No comment.

- Does that mean frequently?

- Look, all you need to know at this point,

is that I've had interactions of a sexual nature.

And these have resulted in an atmosphere, downstairs,

not conducive to a strong functioning body as a whole.

- I'm gonna put frequently.

And is that with a regular partner?

- Ah. No comment.

- Duncan, look, you do realise that,

whatever you say to me doesn't leave this room.

Right?

- Heard that one before, from reporters,

staffers, my wife.

- Yes, but you can believe us.

We're professionals.

- [clicks tongue] Alright.

But, ah, lose the cameras.

- Oh, yeah. Come on.

[doors opening and closing]

Grab a coffee or something.

- [Duncan] Look I should warn you.

You may find some of this a little confronting.

[he chuckles]

- Believe me. I've heard it all before.

Turns out, I haven't heard it all before.

Not by a long shot.

- [Duncan] [sigh of relief]

Yeah, it's bloody good to get all that

off the old chest.

Don't you think?

- Holy [beep].

- Lab will be here in a minute

to pick up Duncan's samples.

Make sure you let them know they are top priority.

- Yeah yeah. What's the goss?

- Oh trust me, you don't wanna know.

- What is it? Hotel sex? Motel sex?

Sex with a man? Sex with two men?

Did he film it? Can I see it?

Steph? I tell you everything about my job.

- Remember, priority.

[Gwen sighs]

I better get back.

I don't wanna leave Yasmin alone with that animal.

I've said too much.

[Greg makes drumming noises with his mouth]

- So Greg, you have been applying the Podophyllotoxin cream

I prescribed for you, right?

- Yeah. Oh yeah, love the stuff.

Can't get enough.

- Because its seems like your warts

haven't reacted at all.

- Oh well, yeah. Well what can you do?

You know, my nuts are real tough nuts.

- Well, sorry to say,

but I think surgery might be your only option.

We'll have to get in there and cut those little buggers out.

- Whoah, whoah! Hold up doc.

No need to get in there and carve the lads up.

Look. Everything on the table.

I haven't been using the cream.

- Why not?

- I haven't been using the cream because,

I intentionally went out and caught an STI

so I had an excuse to come in here and see Gwen.

- You intentionally went out and caught an STI

so you had an excuse to come in and see Gwen?

- Yeah. It sounds dumb when you say it like that.

- That's exactly how you said it.

- Oh, hang on, yeah. [he mumbles]

Yeah, you're spot on. That was exactly what I said.

[clock ticks loudly]

- Oh, thank God.

[door thuds closed]

- Right.

Duncan, I'm afraid you've contracted

a very rare condition called brucellosis.

- Ah! They named it after me.

How charitable.

- Frankly, you're lucky that's all you contracted.

I'm going to put you on a course

of Doxycycline and Rifampicin,

and we will see where you go from there.

- Superb!

Suppose I'd better make up a convincing cover

for the other half.

Just something simple, like an extra marital affair.

Well, thanks very much for keeping this under wraps.

Really. Stellar job you people have done.

- Alright. So you promise to take your meds this time?

- I'll, I'll think about it.

- [he sighs] I don't get it.

Why don't you just ask Gwen out?

- Look, I want to. I want to, I really do.

But every time I build up the courage,

I just get this feeling that she thinks I'm like,

some idiot bikie with, like warty genitals.

- Well. Fear not.

I'm seen as a bit of a,

well, somewhat of a Casanova around these parts.

I think I can help you.

- Oh yeah. Like some sort of love doctor

or something.

- Exactly like a love doctor.

I want to help you.

[Greg] Yeah?

- Because I believe in true love.

- [Greg] Yeah?

- And I'm scared you'll die if I don't.

- And then his uncle said,

you've gotta scrub down the whole barn [he laughs]

Oh, good work today Doctor Huddleston.

I'll let your superiors know how smoothly it all went.

Good day to you.

And remember, Families Straight First.

[sound of door opening]

- [Reporter 2] Where is the senator?

- [Reporter 1] Senator? Senator?

Is senator Duncan Bruce currently being treated

at this clinic due to perverse sexual encounters?

- [Reporter 2] And is it true he has

an annual pass to the Melbourne Zoo?

[door slams shut]

- Second opinion.

We, um, might just stay put.

[drumming sound]

- [he sighs] It's like a zoo out there,

and not in a sexy way.

- The whole building's surrounded.

Are you sure you weren't followed?

- Certain!

And they knew about the... the zoological aspect.

One of you two must've squealed.

- [Gwen's voice on intercom] Steph.

Graft's on the line for you.

- Yasmin, quick word outside?

[door gently shuts]

Is there anything you wanna tell me?

I'm not angry.

It must be tempting having all that ammo

laid out in front of you.

- What, what you think that I was the one

that leaked Duncan's gross sex stuff?

- Well, it wasn't me.

Which narrows the candidates down just a mite

- I don't believe this.

I would never leak anything a patient told me.

I'm a doctor.

- Yeah but you're not yet though. Are you?

- Unbelievable.

- Yasmin!

[footstep sounds]

[long exhale]

- Ah, Ms. Graft. Lovely to see you.

- No it's not.

I'm here in Canberra trying to deal with this STI crisis,

whilst to my delight,

I hear one of my clinics is involved in a sex scandal.

- It's um, under control.

It's just a minor leak that that we are containing.

- Are you? Because if this goes south,

the health department will be looking

for someone to throw under the bus.

That person will be you, Doctor Huddleston.

And I will be the one driving said bus. Understood?

Graft out.

- [she sighs] That went well.

- [Langdon] Can you hear me Leather Eagle?

- Yeah, I can hear you Spandex Ballet.

- [Langdon] Alright. Remember what I taught you.

You've got this!

- Alright.

[unpleasant clearing throat noises]

- Hey.

- Hey gay. G'day Gwen.

What are you doing?

- Ah, just sorting mail.

- Yeah, nice.

- [Gwen] Yeah.

- [Langdon] More eye contact, more!

- Are you okay?

- [Langdon] Was that a question?

Don't give a firm opinion.

- Uh, I might be.

- You're kind of weird.

- [Langdon] Tell her you agree.

- You agree.

- Okay.

- [Langdon] Losing some steam. Pick it back up.

- So, you're a receptionist.

- Er, yeah.

- Yeah. I agree.

Or do I?

- Yeah, Cheggers. How goes the tear gas option?

What do you mean illegal? Since when?

- So... [clears throat]

Appears that our medical student

has leaked some confidential info from our session.

- I knew it.

It's gonna ruin my campaign.

I need out. [nervously laughs]

Is there a secret exit behind a bookshelf or what not?

- Oh no. I think you're confusing me with Batman.

I'm sure together we can come up with something.

- You'd like that wouldn't you?

I follow you. Next thing you know,

I'm trussed up outside in front of those piranhas.

No.

You broke my circle of trust Doctor Huddleston.

- Okay. Well, what's it gonna take to unbreak it?

- [he takes a long breath]

- [Greg] Come on ya cute little shit.

- Oh my God! Who is this?

- This is little... Runter.

Yeah, say hello Runter.

- [Gwen] Hey. Oh!

- Real dog. Yeah.

- One surefire step for a successful courtship

is distraction.

Show them something shiny like a dog, jewelry,

or a DVD boxset of Flava Flav's Flavor of Love,

to distract them from your numerous,

socially debilitating inadequacies.

- Good boy. Good boy.

Pose for the photos,

and then we'll get ya back to the pound.

Er, the home, the home, the home. My Home.

[Gwen and Greg make fussing noises to the dog]

[dog whines]

- You alright Stephy?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Seen Yasmin?

- Thinks she's in the staff room.

- [Steph] Oh,

- How goes things with the, you know?

- Oh great. No problems.

None at all.

- Oh, we should take Runter in for a visit.

I reckon Duncs would love that.

- What, no!

Um, just don't take any animals near my office.

Promise me.

[footstep sounds walking away]

- [TV News Presenter] Well, may we say,

"God Save the Queen,"

because nothing will save the senator's genitals.

That's the scandal unraveling

for embattled senator Duncan Bruce.

- You need to apologise to the senator

to repair our trust circle.

- And why would I apologise

for something I didn't do?

- Because, it'd be bloody hard

to find another university placement

this late in the semester.

- You wouldn't dare?

- Yeah, can't we just water the tear gas down

so it's not so strong?

I don't know.

Just tell 'em we thought it meant tears of laughter.

- [Steph clears her throat]

Duncan, Yasmin here has something

that she would like to say to you.

- Uhum. Yes?

- I leaked the information. It was an accident.

Please don't hold Doctor Huddleston accountable.

- Very well. I'll accept your apology.

You're lucky I'm a firm believer in second chances.

Lord knows I've needed hundreds of them.

- Right... Well that's our circle of trust repaired then.

- Hmm?

It was a lovely apology, but ultimately meaningless.

You see, while I was scouring your office here

for hiding places,

I couldn't help but notice your computer screen there.

And what do you know?

Live streaming the entire time.

So, if you don't mind,

I won't be trusting either of you people.

[drumming noise]

- Here, ah. Yum.

- Now's your chance Greg.

She'll never see you as a better potential

than she does right now.

- You reckon doc?

Ah, bloody hell, I'm nervous.

It's like, I've got like a thousand

angry little men inside me,

smashing in the heads of even more men in me stomach.

- You know what you're gonna say?

- Yeah, I practise this all the time.

[loud exhale of breath]

Gwen, you and me are much like links in a chain.

Like this chain right. Right?

We're both strong, powerful units right?

But we aren't anything without another link to connect to.

- I don't think your rescue dog

likes you yanking on its chain.

- Of course he does.

Everyone loves chains. Right Runter?

[dog growls]

Runty?

- Hey look, we might have messed up.

- Oh really. We might've?

- So I guess I got too caught up in the security

and worrying about what everyone else

was going to do,

that I forgot to be careful myself.

- Is this your idea of an apology?

- Yes. I don't do them very often, um.

How am I going?

- Terribly.

- Okay, well I'll go.

- Hey. Why didn't you ask

for Langdon's help with the senator today?

- Well.

I needed a professional, obviously.

[Gwen knocks on door]

Duncan, it's me.

Open the door. We can figure this out.

[Yasmin knocks on door]

- Senator! This is Yasmin Dagher;

now you have two choices.

You either let us in or we'll let the media in.

What's it gonna be?

[door clicks]

- [he grunts] Is this urgent?

Those journalists won't tear gas themselves.

- Hang up that phone and listen

to what Doctor Huddleston has to say.

- Why would I do that?

- Because she hates you.

She hates you and everything you stand for,

but she's so committed to helping her patients

that she's still gonna help you get out of here.

The leak was an accident. Shut up and listen.

- I'll call you back.

- You ready?

My plan was pretty simple, and pretty fitting too.

But, I couldn't have done it without Yasmin's help.

She's a good egg.

- Well, did you discover the source of the leak?

- Yes, it was me.

It was an accident, but it was my fault.

- No, she's just saying that to protect me, Ms. Graft.

Um, I did it. I leaked the... leak.

- Typical. If it's not Langdon screwing the pooch

then his medical student's screwing it for him.

However, despite everything, you contained the scandal.

I feel -

pleased.

Yeah. That's what it is.

Graft out.

- You didn't need to do that.

- I know.

It just sucks.

You spent your whole life being beaten down

by people like Duncan

and then you finally get a chance

to make a difference and you can't take it.

- Well, it's the life of a doctor.

But we're only doctors from nine to five.

Oh, look at that.

It's after five.

[drawer opening noise]

Wanna go key his car?

- Oh my God yes.

- Greg, I'm sorry the plan with Runter didn't work out.

- Oh, it's all right doc.

- You know, plenty more fish.

- Yeah. Yeah, I s'pose so.

- So, what do you see in Gwen exactly?

- Oh, she's just so friendly and bubbly.

- This is Gwen we're talking about?

- Yeah, Gwen the - yeah.

Who'd you think I was talking about?

What other Gwens are there?

- Well, I guess I'm not as much of a Casanova as I thought.

Just promise me you'll take the medication

and stop catching STIs from now.

- Deal.

[gasps in pain]

- Hey.

Cool scars.

- You reckon?

- Yeah. I mean they're ugly, really ugly,

but kind of cool.

- Oh yeah, they are kinda cool aren't they.

Thanks Gwenno.

C'mon Runter.

[vehicle engine noise]

- [DUNCAN] Is that you Cheggers? Cheggers?

[trash can clatters]

NOOOOO ARGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHHH!

[upbeat music]

- Lubricants are a natural part of a healthy sex life.

- Lube should always be used when having anal sex

to avoid hurting yourself or your partner.

- Yeah. Three words for you.

Rectal wall tear.

[tearing sound]

- It's also totally normal if you require lube

for penetrative vaginal sex.

- But remember to only ever use

water-based lubes with condoms.

As oil-based ones can cause the latex to break.

- And no one wants a broken franger.

[rock music plays out]