Original subtitles

- Michael?

- Yeah.

- So, what can I do for you today?

- Well, this is a little bit embarrassing, but

oh, sorry.

SexNow

- Come again?

- SexNow!

- Recently we've been fighting this new dating app:

SexNow

SexNow hooks you up with a match within

a one kilometer radius

and gives you 10 minutes to find them and have sex.

Funnily enough,

people blindly rushing to have sex

don't always think to use protection.

So yeah,

we're in the midst of an STI epidemic.

[intro music]

- Yes, we are concerned about

the rapid rise of STIs across the state.

However, we are doing everything we can

to put an end to this problem.

- What's this?

- Ideas for fighting the epidemic.

- Langdon, these are insane.

- Sure,

some are a little left field,

but that's what we need to beat SexNow.

- Fine.

Request a med student,

from Harvard.

that's maybe aiming a bit high,

but an extra set of hands couldn't hurt.

- Yes!

You won't regret this.

- All right, but you're looking after it.

- Magazines all up to date.

Had to throw out the old ones when we moved clinics,

something about asbestos in the walls.

And this is one of my initiatives,

the Children's Discovery Wonderland.

Patent pending.

And of course our friendly receptionist, Gwen.

- Sorry Leonie.

Just some obnoxious nobodies.

So where's pre-drinks?

- Stephy!

I'd like to introduce you

to our new medical student Yasmin Dagher.

- G'day, welcome to Metro Sexual.

- Thanks. Yeah, I don't know about you two,

but I'm so excited to be here.

I'm not really that excited.

I'm not even really interested in sexual health.

I really wanted to do my placement at like, a hospital.

Or just somewhere with real doctors.

Sorry... That was rude.

Not real doctors.

What's the word?

Proper.

Proper doctors.

- That enthusiasm!

Love it!

Well then hombre,

let's go uncover the wonders of the staff room.

- Sorry I'm late.

Daddy's driver did not have a clue where he was going.

Can you spell 'fired'?

- Sorry.

You are?

- Herman.

Here for my placement.

- So I might've applied to more

than one university for an intern.

Big deal.

It's like birthday invitations.

You don't expect all your friends to come.

Sometimes none of them do.

Sometimes you spend your birthday

playing laser tag by yourself.

Sometimes...

it seems there was an admin error,

somewhere down the line.

Hard to pin down exactly where,

but we've decided to trial you both

and see who's the best fit.

- And what happens to the loser?

- I guess your university

will just have to arrange a new placement.

- This late into semester?

You've got to be kidding me.

- Worked out well, hasn't it?

Good on ya.

- [Langdon] Thank you.

- This is where we keep our spare swab kits.

Sorry.

Do you reckon you could maybe just try to pay attention?

- Spare gloves,

got it.

Sorry. It's just this new app,

SexNow!

Heard of it?

You can basically get sex, like,

what's the word?

Right away.

- Hey.... Hey!

- Oh, alright Cuz? Back again?

- Alright Stephy. You know how it is.

- Yes!

I'm in.

Must dash!

SexNow!

- Who's the fancy pants?

- Possibly our new medical student.

I'd better go after him

before he becomes just another statistic.

- So yeah.

Always going off around here, isn't it?

- Yeah.

I guess.

Here for another appointment?

- Yeah. Afraid so.

Do I have to fill out any forms or?

- Not unless your details have changed.

- Oh yeah.

Well I think I probably moved house,

again.

- Great.

- You're really pretty.

- What?

- I was saying

that you're

pretty good

at

finding forms.

Must be a million in there or something.

- You reckon?

- Yeah.

There's a million in there.

By my maths.

Gwen?

Yeah, she's all right, you know

she's fine for, you know,

for a bird.

I don't know, pretty pretty chill I guess.

You know, nice smile and stuff,

but I barely think about her to be honest.

Sorry, what was the question?

Oh yeah. I'm sorry.

Testing one, two, three, testing.

- So Greg, you've been in 12 times this month.

It's fantastic you're keeping tabs on your health,

but you do know what a condom does, right?

- I use frangers mate.

This time I really caught something.

Well, it's not like I'm coming down here

with some ulterior motive. Is it?

Come on.

- Okay.

Well let's take a look then.

Why thank you, Almost-Dr-Dagher.

- Yes,

my God.

Yeah.

Revs was heaving last weekend.

Oh my God.

Yes.

Sorry Leonie,

I've got to go.

Some old hag is here.

New patient?

- Unsure yet,

the staff here are making me consider my options.

- Wait, what did you say?

- The staff here are making me consider my options.

- Oh my God.

You're Mystic Marlene, from Triple R?

Okay. Do me! Do me! Please read my future.

[mystical humming]

BOP!

- Oh, it's tragic.

The spirits are telling me that this reception desk

will be your final resting place.

- What?

- I'm sorry dear.

The spirit world has a tendency to be quite rude.

- You see these raised lumps at the base of the scrotum?

- Nah mate, can't see a thing.

- Sorry, Greg.

If I wasn't clear last time; I'm talking to Yasmin.

- Oh yeah. That makes sense.

Yeah.

- Now those could be Molluscum Contagiosum,

which is caused by...

A viral skin infection

causing localised clusters of epidermal papules?

- Correct.

- But those look more like HPV warts to me.

See? Too firm to be Mollusca.

And no central umbilication.

- Oh Doc...She's giving you a run for your money, isn't she?

And she's only a student.

- I'm probably wrong.

I'm sure Dr. Marsh knows best.

- Na, na, na, na, I reckon you're right.

Chick I was with last night said she had HPV.

So I reckon spot on. Good one.

- Okay. Marlene, just before we get started today,

just have to let you know that this is Herman and he's a-

- Don't tell me, he's a medical student

and he's going to be observing today.

I'm a Psychic.

- Oh, super.

- This man is going to make a good doctor one day.

He's going to be very rich.

- She's right.

My dad's literally a millionaire.

- Hang on.

The spirits are telling me

you're very good at making people happy.

- By giving them my dad's money...

How does she know all this!?

Here, have some money.

- It's a mystery.

Okay. So just tell us why you're here today.

- Oh, I've developed a little discomfort.

Following an encounter with a tall dark stranger.

- Oh.

You didn't see that one coming?

- So Matias,

I do have some bad news.

It looks like you might have a touch of Gonorrhea,

but we'll get you an injection of of Ceftriaxone,

put you on a course for one gram of Azithromycin

and you'll be right as rain.

- One gram doctor?

Are you sure?

- Yasmin's very good.

Almost too good.

I've even learned a thing or two myself,

but of course she's the apprentice.

I'm still the master.

- Oh, hey.

How's it going with Yasmin?

- Yeah... alright.

[mouthing one, two, thr-]

Look! I just, just don't think she's right for the clinic.

I know her type, okay?

Like she's, she's conniving, two-faced!

- Oh. Imagine someone like that.

Well, she can't be any worse than Herman.

- He seemed nice.

Didn't you say he invited you out for a drink later?

- Yeah.

Probably to buy my vote.

That kid's literally bribing his way through life.

- Well, what have I told you about giving people a chance?

Hey, I mean,

I'm sure beneath all that privileged white exterior,

there's a multicoloured rainbow of hard work, you know.

- Blast it! Lost her!

Anyone seen a Maryanne round here?

No?

SexNow!

PRINTER WHIRRING

- Gwenno,

now, there's something I want to say to you, alright?

And if you're not interested,

no wukkas,

understood loud and clear, all right...

But I just wanted to ask...

Gwenno!

- Does this printer sound like it's going to explode to you?

- I,

what?

What do you mean?

- Greg, what would you do if

this was your last day on earth?

- Probably something that I've wanted to do

or say for quite a while now.

That,

I should probably book

a follow-up appointment for my results.

Yeah. Tomorrow would be ace.

- What if there was no tomorrow?

- Well then I don't know.

Squeeze me in today if you can.

No big deal.

- Home time!

Good work today Yasmin.

- Great!

So,

about the placement?

- It's still pretty neck and neck.

So me and Steph decided

we'll decide in the morning.

You coming?

- You know, I might just stay behind and finish up.

I usually work late at uni,

but you should head home if you're tired.

- Oh, I wasn't going home.

Hope you didn't think that?

I work late too,

usually till about eight or nine.

- I usually go till 10 or 11.

- Well I go to 12 or 13.

By which I mean, one.

- Here we are.

And here's your change.

- Oh, you got the drinks.

- Did I?

How silly of me.

- If I didn't know any better,

I'd say you've just asked me down at the pub

so you could bribe me.

- Whoa, bribe you?

Saucy Steph.

No, no, no.

This is just to say cheers.

I even got you a thank you card and everything.

- ... You know if you were trying to bribe me,

there'd be big trouble, yeah?

- You know what? On second thoughts,

this might be the wrong card.

- So who made you get into medicine, Herman?

- Hermano, please.

Well, basically because the old man told me to

and it pays well, of course.

And you really get a sense of power,

which I feel has been lost by my lot recently.

- Yeah - I'm going to have to stop you there.

- Yes?

- Oh, I don't have anything to say.

I'm just going to have to stop you there.

- All right. Well, I've just

finished digitising the last of the files from '97.

- Yasmin, I'm sooo impressed,

but you should definitely call it a night there,

You scamp!

- No way.

No, I'm in for the long haul,

but you should definitely head off.

- Seriously?

Have you ever heard of a professional doctor

going home before their student?!

- "Professional."

- What the?

Langdon?

- Good morning Stephy!

- Have you been here all night?

- You say that like I don't always pull all nighters.

- You don't.

- And before you ask, I've decided for both of us,

that Herman is the best choice for the placement.

- Have you lost your mind?

- Yup!

I mean, no.

I called Herman,

and told him to come in today

and for the next three months.

- And you just sent Yasmin packing?

- No,

she's still here... fell asleep in my office.

Rookie.

- Morning fam,

take it you found the hungie

I slipped in your pocket last night?

- Go home Herman.

- Okay.

- No, stay Herman,

stay.

- Ooooh,

classic stalemate.

- Greg! ...what are you doing here?

- Came in for my results mate.

Now at the clubhouse when we're picking new members,

we usually get them to have a knife off.

So I don't know.

You could do whatever the smartass version of that is.

Like a scalpel off.

- A knowledge off.

Yasmin versus Herman.

The loser gets sent packing.

- I'm confident.

I know for a fact Yasmin got less sleep than me last night

because I power napped on the toilet

after sending her for coffee.

And I can hardly string a dentist together.

All right.

This is an old school knowledge off,

the rules to which Steph and I

have lovingly crafted over the last hour.

- I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

Whoever gets the most right, wins.

- This test will pave your very futures.

So no pressure.

All right.

Question one Yasmin.

What is the name of the reaction that causes headaches

and fever around eight hours

from the first treatment of syphilis?

- I know this.

It's like the Jarmusch-

- Wrong!

It's the Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction.

- All right. Question for you, posh.

Pin the tail,

on the clitoris.

- Ooh,

I like it Doc.

It's a trick question.

The clitoris is a myth.

Like Atlantis,

or minimum wage.

- Wrong.

It's right there.

- There's nothing there.

- Because this sadly,

was drawn by a man.

Are all my questions related to sexual health?

Of course.

Does there happen to be a particular theme?

Maybe.

Okay. Herman, show me the labia minora.

Yep. That's the belly button.

Again.

- God.

So close.

- And it's a tie,

which means sudden death.

The first to put their hand up

and answer correctly, wins.

But answer incorrectly, Yasmin.

And you lose, Yasmin.

Mgen is one of the lesser known STIs,

but what is the disease's full name?

Anyone?

I'm looking at you, Yasmin.

- Oh.

- No Herman! Bad Herman.

- It's Mycoplasma Genitalium.

It's literally the only one I know

because I had it for like five years.

- That's correct.

Herman wins.

- No!

NO!

I knew every one of those.

And I stayed up all night working just to make

this jumped up man-child happy.

- Yasmin,

emotional maturity is kind of important in this job, so...

[blows raspberry]

- Okay, I'll get my things.

- Do I feel bad Herman won?

Nah,

Yasmin will find another placement.

It was the right choice,

for the clinic.

- Yasmin!

- I'm going! I'm going.

- No

I wanted to say,

the 89 tram stops just around the corner.

- Right...

Thanks.

- No. Wait.

You're obviously the best choice for the placement...

If you're still interested. That is.

- Yeah. Yeah.

That'd be cool.

- Great.

Well, get back in there you good thing!!

- I'm going home,

to get some sleep.

But see you tomorrow.

- 'Course. See you tomorrow,

Almost-Dr-Dagher.

Aaaannd she went home first!

I'm the better doctor after all.

Knew it!

- Hi! I'm here for my results.

- Sure.

Take a seat.

- You look,

you look like shit dear.

- Funny that.

Maybe because I spent all of yesterday

thinking I was going to die.

- What?

Oh, the fortune?

The spirit said this would be your final resting place.

They didn't say when,

you got a good 60 years give or take.

- In 60 years, I'll still be working here?

- You know,

the spirits are telling me

you're going to meet your future life partner today.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

- Right on.

All right, Gwen,

enough stuffing around.

This isn't easy for me,

but I'm,

I'm not good with numbers

and I don't reckon there is even CLOSE...

to a million files in there.

It's probably not even a thousand if I'm honest.

- Okay.

- Yeah,

feels good that.

- Oh.

I managed to deactivate Herman's SexNow! account last night.

So that's a start.

Speaking of,

pub?

My shout.

- Ah.

Love to.

Thanks Steph.

- Don't thank me.

Thank Hermano.

- Did you tell Herman he didn't get the placement?

- Oh, it wasn't my idea to hire an extra med student.

Come on.

There's something about treating thrush

that makes me really want beer.

Did you know that you can catch STIs

in other places than just your genitals?

- That's right.

STIs in your throat and bum

can be transmitted through

oral sex,

penetrative sex,

or even from sharing toys.

- That's why practising safe sex

and having regular checkups is so important

regardless of the kinds of sex you're having.

- Except maybe phone sex.