Original subtitles

- Steph, someone's in cardiac arrest

down the road!

We need your CPR training, quick!

- You've got CPR training, Langdon!

[running footsteps]

- Where [panting]... where are they?

- Would you look at that?

They must have got better.

But I guess while we're here... drink?

- Ever since Langdon started working here,

he's been trying to get me to go to the pub with him.

One time he gave me a lift home, and the car

happened to "break down" in front of the pub.

Once he even staged a kidnapping.

- [Langdon] Steph, I've managed to jimmy

the boot open a little.

I can see a pub?

The Yarraville Club!

- [sighing]

[phone slamming]

- Steph? Steph? Steph!!

[car spinning off]

- [muffled] Steph!!

[upbeat music]

- So Miranda Graft has finally followed through

on her threat to close down Metro Sexual.

I'm a bit sad, I mean, we'll keep our jobs,

get sent to other practices,

but ... there's a kebab shop around the corner

that I've really grown fond of.

That, I will miss.

- [Langdon] They just can't tear us apart.

We're such a good team, and I'll miss you sooo much.

- I'll miss you too Lang-Donor.

- Thank you all for coming.

I did suggest holding this emergency meeting

down at the pub, but was met with some resistance.

[laughing]

- Who's this?

- This is Tim, my wonderful new boyfriend!

- Hello, lovely to meet you both.

- Isn't that the guy that came in to go on PrEP

a few months ago?

- It IS that guy.

I was all, whoa, you're hot, you better be on PrEP.

And he was like, what's this PrEP thing?

And I was like, oh, it's only a medicine that

people without HIV can take to reduce the chance

of getting the virus by up to 99%.

He was like, whoa, you're so informative.

I was like, whoa. [laughing]

So yes, he was a patient, but since we're both monogamous

and HIV negative, that means no more patient-y,

no more PrEP-y. It's ahh... [laughing]

It's a moral quandary.

- You do realize that it's losing patients like this

that's going to get us shut down, yeah?

- Yes, but, Tim here is going to help us save

the clinic, for Tim... is a theater...

Actor!

- I would have never expected that!

- I know!

- That's great, but, how's that going to help us?

- Because we are going to put on,

an STI awareness musical.

[Gwen cheers]

- We were thinking, what can Metro Sexual do,

that nobody else can?

- Good patient care.

- Not that.

- Music.

- Come on, think about it.

We put on this musical, we sell some tickets,

we hand that petition around, we make some money.

We show Hard Graft that this clinic is

part of the community.

- And look, I understand you're skeptical,

of course, but we've written a song

and I think the proof is in the pudding.

- [Steph] Langdon, can we? [piano music]

- ♪ You know that I'm here for you. ♪

- ♪ And you know that I'll always be true. ♪

The story is a sci-fi dystopia where these aliens

called Chlamydians, are coming to destroy the Earth.

And the Earth represents the body,

and the Chlamydians represent chlamydia.

It's very clever.

♪ We will fight off the Chlamydians ♪

♪ We will fight them to the death. ♪

♪ We will use Amoxicillin till they ♪

♪ draw their final breath.

♪ We will fight them on the beaches, ♪

♪ On the land and on the sea.

♪ We will go down the urethra,

♪ where they burn us when we pee. ♪

♪ Over to Steph.

[piano plays on]

- Freestyle it, you know.

[piano music]

No idea's a bad idea.

[piano music]

- Tim is amazing, he's so funny,

and talented, and handsome, and has this, huge...

amount of talent.

But he's trained and I'm not, so I have to squeeze

in every last minute of practice I can get.

[clearing throat]

♪ Looks like I've got some bad news for you ♪

♪ This looks like Herpes

♪ the type is two. [note lingers on] ♪

- Sorry, could you please--

- ♪ Ooooooooo...

It was actually gonorrhea,

but what the hell rhymes with that? [laughs]

[cars driving by]

- I must know the lyrics to that goddamn musical

off by heart.

The problem with Langdon is that once he gets an idea

in his mind, he goes at it 110%.

Like this musical, for example, and this relationship.

- ♪ There's a man I love, who's a triple threat, ♪

♪ you might know his name.

♪ He lives a life of theater, but he does it not for fame. ♪

♪ He's like a William Shakespeare, ♪

♪ But he goes to a modern day gym, ♪

♪ He's my special triple threat, ♪

♪ My special guy named Tim.

- Alright, we have sold 11 tickets

for tomorrow night.

- Aah hello...? Check this out!

- Langdon, quick word?

- Sure, better call it a night, Timmy.

- See you later, Long-dong.

- That's his pet name for me.

- Spare me, please.

I just think we should be thinking of proper ways

to keep the clinic open.

- This is proper!

I mean, Tim's inviting all his theater friends.

And! He brought in all these costumes from his past shows.

- Yeah... shows... [laughs nervously]

- Come on Steph.

Put some faith in one of my ideas, for once?

[pills rattling]

- Here, let me help you.

- No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

- Are those PrEP meds?

- Yeah, old, old, expired. [nervous laugh]

Anyway, I've gotta go, have a good night, good Christmas.

You're off to Bali soon, aren't you?

See ya!

- Hello, is this West Brunswick East Sexual Clinic?

North Branch?

Great.

I have a question about one of your patients.

I did some digging, turns out Tim has

been sourcing PrEP from another clinic.

But why would he need PrEP if he's only boning Langdon?

Hmm?

[audience speaking amongst themselves]

[gasps]

- There they are, Tim's actor friends.

[audience chatter]

It's actually quite an audience.

[heavy breathing]

- You!

I know your game!

I called the West Brunswick East, North branch yesterday.

You're still sleeping around.

- Well, it's not like Langdon and I

were serious or anything.

- Well, let's just go ask Langdon that?

- Ahh... Let's not. [nervous giggle]

- Langdon deserves better than you.

- Langdon deserves better than THIS?

Have I mentioned how many threats I represent?

- Get out, or I'm gonna tell him

right here, right now.

- [sighs] You're such a bitch.

- What did you call me?

- You. Are such. A bi--

[running footsteps]

[singing quietly]

- Langdon.

Tim's leaving.

- What, why?

- He was cheating on you.

He was getting PrEP from another clinic.

- But, I love him.

- Yeah well, he doesn't love you,

otherwise he'd respect you.

Hey, I'll let the others know the show's off.

- No.

The show must go on.

[audience chatter]

- [Langdon] Good evening everyone!

Welcome to SEX: An STI awareness musical!

[applause]

[piano music backing track]

[piano music]

- ♪ and you know that I'll always be true. ♪

[piano music]

♪ Loneliness crushes your soul. ♪

♪ Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig, ♪

♪ Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig, ♪

♪ Dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig. ♪

- Gwen, you can sing, get up there.

- I wish jellyfish; I don't know the lyrics.

- ♪ dig, dig, dig, dig

♪ To fund the war for sexual health, ♪

♪ We've been sent here to dig out the wealth. ♪

♪ Without my love on this rock here in space, ♪

♪ Loneliness stares in your face. ♪

[weeping]

- ♪ You know that I'm always here for you! ♪

- ♪ We're saving the clinic true blue. ♪

- ♪ Working and toiling to kill STI's ♪

♪ United together

♪ We stand side by side!

[orchestral music]

[uplifting marching music]

[music ends]

- Viva la clinic!

[Gwen clapping and cheering]

- Awful, terrible.

The worst thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a double bill

of Norbit and Meet Dave at the cinema.

Nup. This clinic is deader than Eddie Murphy's career.

- Everyone gone home, even Graft?

- [quietly] Yep.

[sighs] I can't believe that lying cheat

was getting PrEP from another clinic.

- They told you that?

- Yeah.

- I thought they weren't allowed to divulge

that kind of thing.

You know, like part of the hippocratic oath or something?

- Yeah!

- Yeah, you're right!

It's illegal, like it's really, really illegal.

Gwen, I think you might have just saved Metro Sexual.

- About time.

- Hey, I think we might be able to stay open,

thanks to Gwen.

- That's good.

Steph, thank you for tonight,

you didn't need to come up on stage like that.

- Hey. That's um...

That's what mates do.

Hey Langdon?

- Yeah?

- Pub?

[upbeat music]

- Shit, my pole dancing class!

- Pole dancing?!

Pole dancing?

That's pretty cool.

[upbeat music]