Original subtitles

[phone ringing] [Gwen's music playing]

[phone ringing] [Gwen's music playing]

[phone ringing] [Gwen's music playing]

[running footsteps]

- Metropolitan Sexual Health, Dr. Marsh speaking.

- Langdon, this is Graft. I'm five minutes away.

At least I was when I called five minutes ago.

- Minimize!!

Ms. Graft, how wonderful to see you.

- Okay, we have a situation we need to discuss

which could affect the future of this clinic

and the very fabric of the Sexual Health Industry.

- A celebrity!

A celebrity has an appointment at Metro Sexual today.

It could be anyone. It could be the Queen.

I mean, I know it's not, but...

What if it is?

[hums 'Rule Britannia']

- Whoever it is, I'm going to see them. Hm?

[Langdon giggles]

Why?

- I've gotta say, I loved 'The Crown'.

I just thought, what a life!

[laughs]

- [sighs] Yeah. It's for the best.

[upbeat music]

- Now Gwen, celebrities love telling the paparazzi

about their most intimate experiences, so when he

or Her Majesty comes in offer them the good chairs.

Not the stained ones.

- Got it. No jizz seats.

- Now, in terms of valet parking,

[bell rings]

obviously we don't have an official policy, but I thought

that obviously the corgies are gonna come in first,

all right? - Hi?

I ... have an appointment.

- I'm sorry?

We're trying to have a conversation here.

- Yes, you were saying about the valet service...

- Yes, the valet service--

- Sorry [laughs] I'm a new patient.

I've just been referred here.

- That?

That is not a celebrity, okay?

A celebrity is someone you see

and immediately want to throw up on, like Fifi Box

or that kid who played Bronson in 'Round the Twist'.

I have no idea who that is.

[shriek]

[heavy breathing]

[clattering]

- I don't normally get starstruck

but out there is Alicia Noble, yeah?

THE. Alicia. Noble.

Alright, next up I've got an Alicia.

Is there an Alicia Noble here?

- Hey, Dr. Huddleston, I presume?

- She knows my name...

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Play it cool Steph.

So, it was Alicia, was it? Alicia Noble?

- Yeah, but you can call me Al.

- Ohh. And, what is it that you do, Alicia Noble?

- I work in radio.

- Oh, that's cool!

Like the ... like the kind that you listen to, eh?

- [Laughs] Yeah, that's the one.

- Ah, you seem like you'd have a really good voice

for a station with a niche but very dedicated fan base.

5am to 8am every weekday morning, perhaps?

- Actually, that's exactly what I do.

- Is it really? Oh wow, that's great.

I'll have to ... have to have a listen sometime!

- So, I've had a little bit of...

you know, like...

A little bit of a...

So I thought I should get it checked out.

I mean, you know, it's probably just thrush

but ... peace of mind and all that.

- Well, we'll get you checked out then, no problem. A...

- Al.

- ...Licia Noble. Is your name.

- [Breathes] Okay.

You hot?

I'm a little bit...

- It's um... No, I'm okay.

- [Breathes] Okay. I just feel...

Ugh, I feel...

ill!

[drum beats]

- Just got the results back for Alicia Noble's test

and she doesn't have thrush. She's got chlamydia.

Hi, Alicia [clears throat]. Have a seat.

You've tested positive to life and chlamydia.

[door opens]

- So, it's just thrush, right?

- Well, actually you have...

You have thrush. It's just thrush.

- [laughs] Thank God, that's a relief.

- Gotta 'crush that thrush!'

[laughs nervously]

- Okay?

- Yeah I must go now.

- Have you got funeral insurance, Phil?

Your results came back and we better get you

to the hospital as soon as possible

because you have the worst case of--

[door opens]

- You. Get out.

I need help with the celebrity.

- Not a celebrity.

- She's got chlamydia.

- Yeah, just give her a script for Azithromycin.

Everyone's happy.

- But I told her she has thrush.

- What?! Steph, why?

- I don't know. It just came out.

I didn't want to disappoint her.

- What do you think's going to happen

when she tells Graft you lied?

- What if she talks about it on Country FM?

- Country FM?

- What am I going to do?

Why are you still here?

- Phil! Gee - I am so sorry.

[knock on door]

- Hello?

- Hi, Ms. Noble. There's just an extra section of this

medical form I forgot to get you to fill out, please.

- This whole section is drawn in pen.

- Yeah, the printer's down.

- Are these really relevant details?

Favorite swimwear? Hughesy's contact details?

This one just says "Any Goss?"

- Yeah, it helps the doctors with whatever they do,

you know?

- Okay...

- So, when Kerry O'Brien came in,

I filled the room with camomile candles,

I poured him some tea, I looked him in the eye

and said "Kerry, I know Orchitis is painful,

but with a prescription of Ciprofloxacin

we'll be able to get your testicles back down

to their normal size in no time."

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

[door opens]

[Alicia laughs]

[Country music plays]

- So I'm in the clear, right?

- Um. Not ... not quite.

- What do you mean "not quite"?

- Well, on second opinion--

- Whose second opinion?

- My second opinion.

It's a funny story really. You'll laugh [laughs].

Not quite a mix-up but more of a lying situation.

Um...

Al--

- Alicia.

- You have...you have Chlamydia.

Surprise...

- [Gasps] Why did you say I had thrush?!

- I didn't want to make you mad.

- You didn't want to make...

You are the worst doctor!!

[door slams]

[country music still plays]

[drum beat]

- Look, we got there in the end.

Fortunately, I know a lot about Alicia,

thanks to listening to her show fanatically for years.

Did I use that knowledge to my advantage?

Maybe.

Did I learn that Alicia is just a regular person?

But a really cool regular person?

Definitely.

[street noise]

- So, how did it go with the celebrity?

- Went great [laughs].

We heard her radio show this morning

and she said it was ultimately a truly professional,

uplifting, lie-free experience.

- Sorry, what radio show?

- Alicia Noble's.

- Who is that? That... that's not a celebrity.

Nobody looks up to her.

- I--

I was talking about Philip Dudd,

marketing salesman of the year

at the Melbourne Industry Leaders expo.

No? Oh, please tell me that you looked after him properly.

- Philip...

Phil...

Oh, no.

- What do you mean "Oh, no"?

- Hello dear. Still on my way home, I'm afraid.

The traffic's Hell.

What's that?

You're standing next to my car

outside the sexual health clinic?

Ah! [laughs]

I see.

Shit.

[upbeat music]

- Without a doubt, the most common STI in Australia is--

- Chlamydia.

- And in women, the infection can often show no visible--

- Symptoms. Stop that.

If Chlamydia is left unchecked,

it can be really damaging, and sometimes even lead

to infertility.

- Which is why,

even if you have no obvious symptoms of an STI,

regular sexual health checkups are so important.

[upbeat music]