Original subtitles

- Mr. Patterson?

[mumbling]

- [loudly] In your own time, Mr. Patterson.

[wrapper scrunching]

- [mouth full] Mmm!

Mr. Patterson. [swallows] Please take a seat.

[grunts]

- Thank you young man.

[door shuts]

- And you said it's been itching quite badly?

- [affirmative hum]

- Well, those look like bites, I'm afraid.

- [quizzical hum]

- I think you have crabs Mr. P.

- Aww, no, no.

- Yeah.

Look, it uh... it could be from sharing a towel

with a younger family member,

or maybe you haven't been washing your bed sheets.

- Or it might've come from all

the intercourse I've been having lately.

I'm sorry [laughs] - poon tang.

Now that's what kids call it these days isn't it?

- Well, as long as you've only been having

intercourse with your ...

Your other half, it shouldn't be from that,

regular partners and all.

[laughs]

- Well nah, nah, my wife died years ago ...

bless her memory,

but have I told you what she said to me

on that last day she was on Earth?

- Ah... was it to do with ... poon tang?

- Oh, don't be churlish now.

Look, over there at Shady Palms they're all into it.

I mean you get a bit of Meredith on Monday

and some of Tabitha on Tuesday and so on, on it goes.

I mean it all helps you remember what day of the week it is.

- Ah, I'm sure it does.

Mr. P, if that's all good, I'll get you to

pop in next week for a follow-up.

- Next week?

Well, I'd be free on Francine morning or ah...

or Sandra afternoon.

- Sandra?

- Yeah.

- Wait. Shady Palms retirement...

Grandma, no.

- Hey?

- Granny?

GRANNY!

[upbeat music]

- Nothing says accomplished sexual health clinic

like a team excursion to Shady Palms Retirement Village.

Take that Graft!

We're here to battle these crabs at the source.

And you know what? Feeling good.

- I don't do the elderly, nup.

See, when I was young, I was holding my... um...

Grandfather Tom's hand while he was napping

and he ...

slipped away,

just like that.

I didn't even notice.

Rigor mortis set in and... they ended up

having to use a...

a buzzsaw to get me free.

12 hours I held his cold...

dead ... hand.

- I love the elderly, they're super cute

and you get this wholesome feeling whenever you help them.

This must be how Mother Theresa felt.

[running footsteps]

Look Steph, I'm Mother T!

- Crabs, Langdon, remember?

- Oh, no.

[whimpers]

[electric razor being used]

[loud squeals]

- Hi, hello, hi, you must be the sexual health doctors,

I am Nurse Fletcher.

- It's lovely to meet you.

- It's lovely to meet you too.

- Nurse Fletcher, can I have some tea?

- Ye- NO! Peter, you may not have some more tea,

because it is not teatime! How many times must I tell you!

[laughs]

You must excuse them, no better than animals I'm afraid.

Don't think we don't hear you, at night, bonking away.

[imitates squeaking]

Dotty? Dotty! Hello Dotty, I'm looking at you!

Dotty's a screamer. [laughs]

- Should you be talking to them like that?

- Well, they all understand English.

I mean, not that you'd know half the time.

- I mean, they are people.

- Please. That's how they get you off your guard;

they all know what they're doing.

It's all mind games. [laughs]

Don't think I don't know about your mind games.

You're all sick, you're sick!

Anyway, I've got to go organize lunch

because if I don't feed them I will not hear the end of it.

[chuckling]

[clanking]

- All right, let's start the checks!

I'll start with Mr. P and my grandma, Sandra,

is that one right there.

Wanna start with her?

- No. No, I do not want to.

[clears throat]

- Ah, hello!

- Got to... got to check you.

- Sorry love, I can't hear what you're saying,

my hearing aid is on the blink.

Can you come a bit closer?

[panicked breathing]

- Mr.P? How we doing today, little guy?

- Oh, can't complain.

- Betcha can. Now, I'm gonna take you down the hall

and give your little Peter a little patter, okay?

- What are you talking to me like that for?

I fought in the war, you know.

- Really?

- Yeah, I was a doctor, yeah.

See?

You know, you remind me of me when I was young.

- Heavily in debt?

- No, patronizing as shit.

We're not infirm, you know.

We've just got to put up with a lot of crap.

That we've been ordered around by bossy-pants over there.

- If you really were a doctor, then what's with the crabs?

- Well, we're bored.

I mean, when you get to our age,

even being a little bit reckless is like half the risk.

Give us that.

If that bloody nurse just let me out now and then,

I wouldn't have to resort to servicing Sandra

all the bloody time.

[teacup shatters]

- Aw, Dotty dropped her teacup.

Classic Dotty.

Let's give her a big round of applause, everyone.

Well done Dotty, back to sippy cups for you.

[drum beat]

[door opens]

- Steph, I think the real problem is- Grandma, God, no!

[door closes]

- Great timing, I mean not for you, but-

- I have an idea.

- Great, let's do it.

- You haven't heard it yet.

- Doesn't matter, I don't want to go back in there.

Let's do your idea.

- What I was going to say, is the real problem is Fletcher.

They're not allowed to do anything,

so they get bored, and keep reinfecting each other.

- Love it, what do you want me to do?

- Mr. P? Get your hat, we're leaving.

- Where are we going?

- To the park.

- Here we go.

- Where do you think you're going?

- I am escorting Mr. Patterson,

and anyone else who would like to come, to the park.

- You can't do that.

- Yes I can. As a visitor, I can take Mr. P out if he wants.

I read it in your brochure.

Well, if you'd read the brochure carefully,

you would see that you need at least two adults to escort

a consenting resident, unless they're family.

That's two.

- Steph.

[heavenly music]

- [Grandfather Tom] I'm just gonna take

a little nap, Stephanie.

- [Young Steph] Okay Grandad, love you.

- [Paramedic] Get the buzzsaw.

[buzzsaw whirring]

[residents cheering and clapping]

- Bloody animals! All of you!

Ow! OW! Ah, Stop!

[sippy cups hitting the ground]

- I'm proud of us, Steph.

If doctors can't make people feel better,

then what's the point?

- To stop crabs?

- Ah, yeah, that.

Oh, ice cream! I'll grab us some cones.

- It's not that bad, was it Mr. Patterson?

Mr. Patterson?

Mr... Mr. Patterson!

Oh, no, no.

Not again!

No- LANGDON!

NO!

[upbeat music]

- No matter your age, the best way of preventing STIs

is by using a condom or dental dam

when you're having sex or using toys.

Remember to check the expiration date though,

because if it is out of date

it has an increased chance of breaking.

So, if you're eighty years old and are still holding on

to that condom you purchased in 1945,

best to consider chucking it out.

- And remember condoms don't prevent against all STIs,

like crabs,

which is why regular STI tests are still important.

[upbeat music]