Original subtitles

[phone rings]

- Hello, and welcome to Metropolitan Sexual Health.

This is the reception area, where our patients wait.

Lots of nervous energy in this room.

Is it a staph infection, is it syphilis, who knows?

Well, of course we know, usually.

This is our receptionist, Gwen.

Gwen has been with us for one month now.

How are you liking it?

- Yeah, it's good.

- Passion.

This is one of our numerous emergency exits.

[doorknob rattles] [Langdon grunts]

And this is Dr. Huddleston's office.

[door opens] [woman screams]

- Langdon, get out!!

[door slams shut] - Oh my God! What the Hell?!

How could you not lock the door?

- She might not have noticed.

[upbeat music]

[students chatting]

Schoolies is always a busy time for us.

And this year, we've hit the mother flippin' jackpot.

[clears throat] Tyson?

- Resort full of teens have come down with syphilis,

you know how it is.

Sun, sea, alcohol, life dreams that are yet to be crushed.

It's good timing actually.

Miranda Graft, our boss from the Health Department,

is here today.

Makes us look busy.

[sighs] Hard Graft.

That's what we call her when she's not around.

- Langdon, Steph - Hard Graft wants to see you.

- I don't want you two to see me as some kind of ogre, okay?

I'm no better than you, as a physical person.

Obviously, in terms of institutional hierarchy,

I am much better.

Now, over the coming months I'm going to be

conducting rounds of all the inner city health clinics.

So ... you know.

Just pretend like I'm not here.

'Kay?

- Okay.

- It's no secret that there have been severe cuts

to the Health Department

and with that certain sacrifices have to be made.

'Kay?

Is the future of this clinic in jeopardy?

Yes.

- She gonna be around all day?

- Yeah, but at least she gets

to see me diagnose the most syphilis today.

[snorts]

- What's that?

- You think you're gonna diagnose

more syphilis than me today?

- Um, yeah.

- 50 bucks says you don't.

- Interesting, and for the loser?

- The loser has to see Mr. Brierson tomorrow.

Ah. Smelly Brie, more cheese than man.

But honestly, he has the worst personal hygiene.

If Langdon has to see him, he'll probably ugly cry.

That would be nice to see.

- It is important to make a good impression

with Graft, yes.

But it's also very important to prove

that I'm the best doctor in the world, ever.

And avoid Mr. Brierson.

I have a very sensitive nose.

[students chatting]

- Alright, listen up.

Which one of you thinks they have syphilis?

Okay, you, with me.

- Ah, thank you doctor.

There are a few things I'd like to talk to you about.

When I orgasm, my wife sneezes.

Number seven is, y-yesterday I went...

I went to the zoo

and I was holding a koala

and it looked me in the eye knowingly.

Do I have chlamydia now?

Ah, thank you. Number eight is that,

what I wanted to do was to check if you could,

ah...

- No time wasters today.

- One clear symptom in the early stages

of syphilis is this painless ulcer called a chancre

which if present, means you almost certainly have...

Yes!

- Oh thank God.

I'm okay?

- Oh, no.

No - I found one.

A chancre.

I've just got a wager going with my...

Yeah, you have syphilis.

And I have another star.

- Mum!

I got it from a toilet seat, I swear.

- Toilet seat.

- Think it's probably best

that we have a little bit of a chat now.

- Just pretend I'm not here.

- So you didn't use a condom

while you were having intercourse?

- I mean, we don't really do condoms.

Plus I heard they make you sterile or fertile or something.

- Well, that's b...

A lot of research has gone into the benefits

of using a condom.

[cellphone rings]

- Ooh! Sorry.

Excuse me.

Yes, this is Graft.

- I am this close to calling your mum

and your dad and putting down your dog.

- [Graft on phone] No, no, no, no, no.

- Steph knows someone in pathology

who's prioritizing her samples

but I don't even need to do tests.

Chancres are a dead giveaway.

And I'm getting pretty good at finding them.

I can even do two at once.

Hey, how ya goin'?

Been good weather, hasn't it?

How'd you like that Stephy?

Uh oh!

Eight, nine, ten!

Well, I don't know how to put this.

I hope you like your cheeses soft.

[intercom crackles]

- Um, Langdon, you better get out here.

- She wants to congratulate me.

- I need to see the inept amateur who saw my son

and I need to see him now.

Excuse... I can see what you're doing!

Are you Dr. Marsh?

- Well, yes.

- You misdiagnosed my son.

We got a second opinion.

He doesn't even have syphilis.

Did you even examine him properly?

- I uh... had a solid glance!

- Oh, oh, I thought you said it was so easy to diagnose,

you could do it with your eyes closed.

Do you remember that?

- Oh, is that the latest medical technique?

- Well--

- Did you study for that?

Did you go to university?

Do you have a degree?

- Do I have a degree?

I have a whole wall of qualifications that Stephy has seen.

- Yeah. He's got a couple of Cert IVs.

- Okay, right.

The receptionist has been having calls like this all day.

This is not the first patient that you've got wrong.

- The receptionist has a name.

- Shh!

Now I wouldn't call that a very efficient practice,

would you?

- I may have got a bit carried away.

- Ah, goodbye smelly Brie.

Oh!

[sniffing]

Can you smell that?

[drum beat]

Morning poppet, come up with the goods?

[Steph hums happily]

Yes, I'd say that everyone did learn something yesterday.

I learnt that I'm better than Langdon.

- Mr. Brierson, how are you today?

- And Langdon, well, let's just say pride

cometh before a fall.

[vomiting noises]

[more vomiting noises]

[upbeat music]

- More people are catching STIs than ever before.

So if you're sexually active, you should be looking

to get tested every three to 12 months.

- How often you get tested depends on a number of factors.

Including number of partners, the kinds of sex you have

and how often you use protection.

Your sexual health clinic or GP can give you more advice

on how often you should be tested.

- Yeah, and STI checks aren't just reserved

for when you find something dodgy on your bod,

because a lot of them don't have visible symptoms.

- STI tests are a normal part of a healthy sex life.

- And you get to meet cool people like us!

- Oh, don't wanna put them off.

[upbeat music]