Original subtitles

Hey, xandir,

You know what job you'd be perfect for?

Basket weaver?

Nope.

Director of homo land security.

[laughing]

Hey, cap, guess what I just told xandir?

That he should be director of homo land security?

How did you know?

You've told me, like, 5 times now.

Plus I've always said he's the right man for the job...

If you fat cats up in washington have the guts

To appoint someone who thinks outside the box.

Ha ha! It just keeps getting funnier every--

Aah! Uhh!

Ow! Oh, my god!

I'm crashing!

I've been downloaded with a virus!

Downloaded?

C'est ce qui downloaded?

I'm an internet download pig!

That's the fucking premise

Of my character, q-q-q-queer!

Everyone remain calm.

I will use my captain hero communicator

To call 911.

[beeping] wait.

I can fly!

Get in.

I think the hospital's that way!

This ain't no monster god.

It's hans the 6-armed circus freak.

Well, foxxy, you've cracked yet another case.

So, I'll just need a copy of your mystery solving license

So I can take this guy downtown.

Mystery solvin' whaa?

You don't have a mystery solving license?

Child, I didn't even go to college.

Then we're gonna have to let this guy go.

But he's a child molester!

Licensed child molester.

People like you make me sick.

But...But...

Ah, but nothing. Without your mystery solving license,

You aren't allowed to solve any more mysteries ever again.

[gasps]

Danny needs his puffs!

Someone get me some fucking puffs!

What the hell's wrong with me, doc?

[farts]

You've been downloaded with the deadly cuddly bear virus.

You'll be dead within a week.

Oh, my god! I'm gonna die?

Yep, unless I give you these drugs.

Drugs? Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

You do have health insurance, don't you?

Health whaa?

Oh...You...

Don't have health insurance.

Well, don't worry.

Aah!

Unh!

[roaring] aah!

Foxxy: I tried to forget

All about solving mysteries.

But forgetting,

Like granddaddy when we played bouncy horse, was very hard.

It seemed like everybody had they mystery solving license.

Everybody but the foxxy.

This is no genius werewolf.

It's just some near-sighted armenian woman.

This is no mummy.

This is just a tragic burn victim.

[groaning]

This is no fat monster.

Aah!

It's a blood fountain!

You're a good man, captain hero.

Foxxy: it wasn't fair!

Foxxy needed to get her mystery solving license.

And everybody knows

There's only one way to do that.

Foxxy love is went to college.

Oh, my god!

Uhh! Ow!

[farts]

Boy, you really need health insurance.

Too bad you're not in the questing business.

I get great health insurance.

It would even cover my wife and kids,

Or more realistically, a cocoa-skinned life partner.

Oh, fernando,

One day I'll tame your wild ways.

Dude, you mean if I gay marry you,

I'd get free health insurance?

Well, I suppose.

Die or marry a homo.

I didn't know what to do.

Tell you what.

You decide, america!

Announcer: log on now and cast your vote.

Announcer: america, you decided.

With a grand total of 13 to 8,

Spanky will marry the homo.

¶ indistinct singing ¶

This is so nice of you, spanky.

How did you know I wanted to see

Queenie mchomoslurp in analsville on gay ice part gay?

Just a hunch.

Um...Xandir?

Oh!

S-spanky, what are you doing?

[p.A. Chimes]

Oh! I feel like a schoolboy.

But this is pretty good, too.

Spanky: I was about to propose to xandir,

And then, out of nowhere,

That damn diamond vision tried to move in on my man!

Oh, no, diamond vision!

I was here first!

I'll kill you, you technological marvel!

[cat screeches] oh, spanky.

That is so sweet.

No one has ever fought for me...

For my honor.

I'll do it.

I'll gay marry you for the insurance.

Foxxy: so I tried to study up for them sats,

But it became abundantly clear that this was just

Another conspiracy to keep the black man down.

Like swimmin'.

This whole test is racially biased.

Question number one--

"what s.P.F. Lotion would you use

"if you was gonna spend a day at the polo grounds,

Fellow klan member?"

Oh, you don't need sunblock if you've got your klan hood on.

Everyone knows that, foxxy.

Unh! Huh?

Hmm!

[screaming]

¶ ling-ling into battle go ¶

¶ fulfill destiny of the soul ¶

¶ severed souls... ¶

[gasps]

Ling-ling gots a perfect score!

Well, of course.

Orientals are genetically good at standardized tests.

Uh, duh!

[humming asian melody]

Ling-ling, you need to take my sats for me.

[speaking japanese]

I'll be your best friend.

Ah!

[speaking japanese]

Hiya!

[screaming]

[speaking japanese]

[wedding March playing]

We are gathered here today

To give these 2 queens special rights.

Aah! What is this unholy abomination?

Hi, clara.

You're just in time to witness

A fake gay marriage for the health insurance.

What? If gays get married,

The institution of marriage will be destroyed!

Societies will crumble!

Rivers will run with blood!

Nazis will once again ride on dinosaurs!

I'll take care of this.

Hey, clara, there's a jew outside

Trying to poison a well!

Aah! Oh, my god!

Get away from that well, hebrew.

What? I'm putting in water purification tablets.

Spanky tricked me.

As god as my witness,

I'll put an end to this gay marriage.

I swear! [thunder]

Nice tits.

[gasps]

Man: heather jaimeson? Girl: here.

Man: rachel forenstein? Girl: here.

Foxxy chaquafaffa love?

Hiya!

Um, you don't look

Like a black woman.

[beat boxing]

Word, wiki-wiki,

Fravor frav!

Right.

Aah!

[roaring] aah!

Aah!

The board of education doesn't take kindly

To what you're doing.

We don't mind asians taking the test for white kids

Or even the jews, but we'll be damned

If we'll let you help the blacks.

[speaking japanese]

So, so, so.

Now, you're going back in there,

And you're gonna fail miss love's test on purpose.

[speaking japanese]

If you don't,

Butch here is gonna go to your house

And walk around...

Without taking off his shoes.

[gasps]

[laughing]

Xandir and spanky,

I pronounce you

Legally gay married.

And now for the traditional stomping of the mayonnaise packets.

All: mazeltoff!

Oh!

[all cheering]

Xandir, you saved my life.

You're as kind as the $3.00 bill.

I wish there was some way I could repay you.

Well, I-- I was hoping

You'd stop defecating in my sock drawer.

Jesus, woman! We've only been married 5 minutes,

And you're already nagging?

I need my space.

This is princess clara

Calling for the king of insurance.

Yes, I'd like to report

A fake gay marriage.

And I'd like to report a great set of tits.

[squirrel mumbling]

Xandir: I'd done the right thing

And gay married spanky for the insurance.

Those pills worked great, doc.

Now the only fever I have

Is disco fever!

[stayin' alive by the bee gees playing]

Hey, yeah, whoo! Ha ha!

A few more weeks of treatment, and you'll be cured.

Health insurance rocks!

You can throw out your condoms

And really start living life!

Hey, you want to go play in that medical waste dump?

[both laughing]

Look at me!

I'm making medical waste angels!

[laughing]

I cut myself.

I hate to spoil your fun, spanky,

But the king of insurance is coming

To verify your so-called marriage.

Soon, your whole sinful scam will be over.

Ta-ta!

[laughing]

Great, now I'm gonna lose my insurance.

I'll be more diseased than dumpy the waste man!

Kill me!

My test scores came!

580?

Ling-ling, what the h-e-single-hockey-stick happened?

I decided to solve the asian-failing-the- standardized-test mystery

Even if I didn't have some fancy mystery solving license.

So, I drove right over to that board of education place,

Even if I didn't have some fancy driver's license.

Now, those are some fat rides

For state employees.

Hmm...

Seems like you can make lots of cheddar

In the education racket.

[alarm blaring]

Put your hands in the air!

And don't even think about

Waving them around like you just don't care.

Oh, lordy!

Oh, this is not the chafing dish we registered for!

Mother fucker! [cat screeches]

Would you shut up? I'm so dead.

Now the king of insurance is gonna know we're not really married.

All right, calm down. All we need to do

Is make it look like we're married.

And nothing says "just fake gay married"

Like a fake gay honeymoon!

Wooldoor: say cheese!

Cheese! Cheese!

[doorbell rings]

Thank god you're here, king of insurance.

Oh, well, of course.

If there's a fake marriage for the insurance,

Then I must put a stop to it.

We don't want nazis riding on dinosaurs, do we?

Both: ¶ la la la la la la la la la ¶

Well, they seem like pansies to me.

Oh, they're totally acting.

Well, then I'll need some proof of your marriage.

Check out these honeymoon pictures.

We traveled around the world!

Going around the world doesn't prove they're gay married.

The moon isn't gay married.

I can assure you, your highness,

We're a very committed couple.

Yes, we even adopted one of those philippino babies.

What? That's just a piece of paper

With the word "baby" written on it.

Don't make fun of our little timmy.

[whispers] he's sensitive.

Baby voice: someday, when I grow up,

I'm gonna be an origami swan.

You'll see!

A big, beautiful origami swan.

So fuck you!

Well, I must say

You do have very impressive evidence.

Come on, spanky's not gay.

If he's so gay, let's see him do the hat dance.

You're thinking of the mexicans.

The gays have the butt sex.

Well, then let's see you do that.

Whoa, yes!

Please do.

God damn it. I should've done the hat dance.

Aah!

[groaning]

Man: welcome, miss love.

Who do you think you is?

I is...

The board of education.

Holy crap!

You from the schoolhouse rocgang.

What the hell is going on around here?

Now that you've been captured,

It's safe to tell you our plan.

[music plays]

¶ I am the board of education ¶

¶ I'm here to serve the interests of our nation ¶

¶ but keeping kids learning ¶

¶ doesn't fetch much of an earning ¶

¶ so to make some decent money ¶

¶ something had to be done ¶

Being the genius that I am,

I combined 2 time-honored american methods

Of achieving wealth--

Selling stupid stuff to suckers

And exploiting the black man.

¶ now we make countless millions ¶

¶ off the worthless crap that black folks buy ¶

¶ from their very first gold tooth ¶

¶ down to their pimped out rides ¶

¶ huge medallions, tacky bling ¶

¶ no one would buy those things ¶

¶ unless there was a way ¶

¶ to keep them gullibly dumb ¶

¶ so we keep them out of college ¶

¶ it's what needs to be done ¶

So, you see why we can't let blacks pass the sats.

No educated person would spend money

On gold rims, purple leather seats,

And flip-down lcd screens for $3,000 geos.

You racist blockhead!

You'll never get away with anything that stupid.

Oh, yeah?

Well, as we speak,

My secret weapon is on a train,

Set to distributed throughout the country

To make sure no black person

Ever passes their sats

Ever again.

Good-bye, foxxy love.

[laughs]

[roaring]

Oops. Wrong lever.

[laughs]

Aah! [roars]

[clanks]

So...Darling...

Are you ready?

Ironically, the only way

I could get rid of the virus

Was to have gay sex.

I tried to think of the sexiest thoughts I could

To get the blood flowing.

Mm-hmm. All right.

Next. Done and done.

Huh? What the--

Ok. Mm-hmm.

Indeedy-deed.

Cookie flip.

Well, hello, hello, hello.

But nothing seemed to work.

King, I'm not gay!

¶ told you ¶

Your insurance is hereby...

R-r-r-r-r-r-revoked!

[speaking japanese]

[grunts] hmm!

Oh.

Ok.

Hmm.

[speaking japanese]

[roaring]

Aah!

Ling-ling!

[speaking japanese]

[roars] [screams]

Hiya!

Waah!

Hiya!

Aah!

[groans]

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die ¶

Oh, ling-ling,

You saved my ass.

[speaking japanese]

[roars]

Foxxy: no!

Foxxy: with ling-ling dead,

I could only think of one thing--

Man, that ling-ling pelt

Sure would make some pimpin' seat covers!

But there was no time for that now.

I had to put a stop to the board of education.

Huh?

[gasps]

[sobbing]

Huh? Hmm?

[grunting]

Let's see.

Where is this secret weapon?

Aha!

The shipment is on a cargo train

Leaving cleveland at 4:30 at a speed of 50 miles per hour.

It's headed to cincinnati, which is 70 miles away.

What time will the train reach cincinnati?

"a," 5:15;

"b," 5:25;

"c"-- oh, I can't do this!

[sobs]

Ling-ling!

[speaking japanese]

Maybe you're right, ling-ling.

Maybe I can do this!

Hmm, let's see.

I'm gonna get 38 miles, carry the 2,

Take away the minus, add a semicolon,

Put that dot on the left side.

Um...Uh...

The answer is "d"!

"d," right! It's "d"!

5:20. I knew I could do it.

[speaking japanese]

Wait!

Mr. King! Look!

Marriage isn't about having sex.

Uh, ask any married person.

Hoo-hoo, that's so true.

It's about caring and sharing

And being there for each other.

Now, xandir and I

May never have had gay sex,

But we didn't do those other things, either.

So, punishing me would be like

Punishing every married person

Who never didn't do anything.

Spanky ham...

Your convoluted logic

Has swayed me.

I hereby issue you

Health insurance coverage

Permanently and ir-r-r-r-r-r-revocably.

Oh, you did it, my darling husband!

I got health insurance forever!

Oh, hey!

Let's go tell dumpy the waste man!

Spanky: hey, dumpy! Guess what!

Dumpy: kill me!

Foxxy: now, foxxy might not be great

With numbers or words or stuff,

But she great at pullin' trains over.

Wow, foxxy, you caught the board of education.

We've been trying to nail him for months.

Heh heh! How'd you do it?

I had help from a friend--

A dead friend.

And now to uncover the board of education's

Ultimate racist weapon.

What the hell is this?

We invented a menthol, grape-flavored, number 2 pencil.

Black test-takers wouldn't be able

To resist eating their writing utensils,

So they'll never finish the exam.

Damn. Just when you thought racism

Couldn't get anymore racismer...

You really think black people won't be able to stop themselves

From eating these grape-flavored mentholated pencils?

[sniffs] actually, they do smell kinda nice.

Maybe if I just have a little nibble...

Congratulations, foxxy.

We're giving you an honorary mystery-solving badge.

[muffled] mystery-solving badge?

If you gots a badge that can solve mysteries,

What you need foxxy for?

[policemen grunting]

[spanky and xandir laughing]

Both: ¶ la la la la la la la... ¶

Seeing spanky treat xandir with newfound respect

Made me realize...

2 men can be as close as a man and a woman.

And maybe, just maybe,

One little gay marriage won't ruin the world.

[roars]

[screaming]

[gunshots and screaming]

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--