Original subtitles

[projector clicking] [soft music]

[dramatic organ music]

- So, where did all those wafers,

those pieces of the body of Jesus Christ our Lord go, hm?

Surely, they didn't eat themselves, did they?

- I'm sorry, Father.

I was hungry.

- And why were you hungry?

- I had the munchies?

I was smoking

reefer.

- The Devil's cabbage!

- I've sinned.

I've sinned!

[dramatic organ music]

- You have sinned!

And now you must pay your penance.

Come here.

On your knees.

That's right.

Now you will take your communion.

[Father Gaylord moaning]

[dramatic organ music continues]

[Altar boy gagging] [Father Gaylord moaning]

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

[door knocking]

Off with you.

[triumphant music]

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Think on your sins, boy.

- Bye!

So, I got your message, Daddy.

What seems to be the problem?

- I asked you not to come here dressed like that.

- Ach!

You and your closets.

I am here for penance, baby doll.

I have been a bad boy.

So, so naughty.

So, what's got you so hot and bothered?

You seemed pretty upset on the phone.

- Captain, something terrible has happened.

My, my ring is missing.

- Stop the presses.

What did the police say?

- Captain, this is bad!

I came by this ring in way that if some members

of the church found out, I'd be excommunicated!

- Nah.

- Captain. - Mm-hmm?

- I got tangled up with a being named Queen Bitch

many years ago, a creature from Oberon.

[dreamy music]

Someone might see.

- So what?

- I...

Maybe we can go away somewhere?

- I love a beach holiday.

- I thought somewhere a bit more, private.

- Baby, I love you.

I really do.

And I'm tired of doing it in the dark.

I want you to come with me.

There's someone you need to meet.

[muffled dance music]

Relax.

We're just here for tea.

[dance music]

- Hello!

Such formality, please stop with this show.

Who is your friend?

Is this the one you've told me about?

Sir Gaylord, I presume?

- Oh, yes, this is indeed the one I have spoken of.

- Welcome.

I've been waiting for you.

They know me as The Dick Reader.

But you can call me Carol.

- Nice to meet you, Carol.

I am Andy.

[soft music]

- Andy, I understand that you are at a crossroads right now.

The intersection of desire and shame.

Is that correct?

- I don't know if I'd put it that way.

I'd just like things to be private?

[Queen chuckling]

- Queen!

Dear, how much does he know?

I see.

Andy, what if I told you that there

was a whole society of people just like you?

- Catholics? - Homosexuals.

- Oh, but I'm not!

- Hmm?

- Am I?

I don't think I'm-

- Men who love in other ways than having a wife?

- My faith is- - It's about love.

And love is love.

And this person right here, this person loves you.

And you love them, don't you?

- I...

That's not the point!

- It's not?

- I can't!

I can't be like you.

I'm about to become a priest.

I do love you.

But I can't, the way you love me.

- Why?

What would happen?

- Darling, maybe he's not ready.

- But I am ready, damn it!

[both sighing]

Tell him about Oberon.

- What's Oberon?

[Dick Reader sighing]

- Very well.

[voices sighing] [soft music]

Many years ago, Queen Bitch and I lived on Oberon,

the second largest moon of Uranus.

Life on Oberon was peaceful.

[soft music continues]

Love was indiscriminate of gender.

Reproduction worked the same way as it does here

on Planet Earth.

When a person wanted to get pregnant,

they would find a sperm donor.

Children were raised in communities,

without the nuclear family structure

that is so popular here.

Queen Bitch and I were part

of what you might call a royal family.

We had no hunger, no war, no poverty.

All of us, we had enough.

[dramatic music]

A virus came.

There were escape pods, of course.

They dispersed us throughout the galaxy.

But there is no way of knowing where they landed,

if they made it to their destinations,

if they have survived.

[wind whooshing]

So now, here we are.

Unable to return home, trapped on a planet

whose societal mores are foreign to us.

But I hold a key.

A piece of Oberon's core.

Oberon's history and way of life.

And some day, when the planets are aligned

on the sky just so, Queen Bitch

will release the power of the stone

and this Earth will become the Utopia we once knew.

- But God, the church, families.

You can't just change everything

like that without warning people.

That's not right.

- There'll be casualties, of course.

[soft music]

[sighing] My sweet.

It's for the greater good.

It's for us.

- I'm sorry.

I can't.

It's not right.

It's also not wrong.

I'm just too overwhelmed.

- Andy, wait!

[dreamy music]

- Queen Bitch is dangerously, venomously and powerfully,

[sighing] dripping with sexual energy.

She was going to destroy life as we know it.

I stole her ring, and since then, she's after me.

- Thou shalt not steal?

- Guidelines and suggestions!

This ring, this ring is special.

In three days, Venus, Uranus and Neptune

will all align in the sky.

If she masturbates and comes on the ring

at the exact moment of the alignment,

the Anus of Hell will open and the demons

of the underworld will be released

and sodomize all virgins of Earth!

Turning everyone into homosexuals!

[dramatic music]

- Yeah.

- [Father Gaylord] Put it in a way,

it's the End of Days we're talking about!

- Sounds delicious.

- I admit, the idea is appealing, but as a man of God,

I have to fight temptation as best I can.

- Honey,

in case you haven't noticed, I try to surround myself

with as many queens as possible.

So if you think I'm going to help you

with your fucked up homophobic agenda...

And yet, I feel I must.

[dreamy music]

[upbeat dance music]

[upbeat dance music continues]

[all laughing]

I was awake since Friday already.

I really need to go home.

- He's so hot.

So hot.

[dramatic cello music]

[inaudible]

[Captain Faggotron breathing heavily]

[dramatic music continues]

[siren wailing]

[Captain Faggotron breathing heavily]

[Captain Faggotron sobbing]

- Who's there?

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Father, they were chasing me.

- There, there, my child.

You are in a safe place now.

[dramatic music]

- You're not supposed to like people like me.

The church...

- God has love for all creatures.

And I do like people like you.

Very much.

Come, let's have some tea.

The sun will be up in a few hours.

- So, where did you lose the ring?

Did you retrace your steps?

- I was doing some church outreach

at Crisco Cuties last night.

I went into the darkroom.

I took it off.

But then I saw this Adonis.

I thought I put it back on.

But I was so high.

The details evade me.

- Hmm.

- And then she came in.

And I ran away.

- She? - Queen Bitch.

She, she, the agony never goes away.

She was with someone else.

Seeing her just rips my heart in two. [sobbing]

- There, there.

I'll get your ring back, Daddy.

- But you must be careful.

Queen Bitch is very dangerous.

The planets are on her side

and she has a very powerful female counterpart.

[dramatic music]

[dance music]

[Queen Bitch laughing]

- Soon the world will be flooded with...

Homosexuals.

[dramatic music]

In only three days, the demons will be released,

to sodomize the virgins, and all the world

will be flooded with fresh meat!

I swear to you, I'll make it so.

[Maurice whimpering]

Be careful!

- I'm sorry, Queen Bitch.

I'm sorry. [sobbing]

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

- Well?

What is it?

- It's just, it's just that, with all this fresh meat,

you're probably going to want a new table. [sobbing]

- My sweetie.

Come here.

Come here, sweetie.

Just here, come here, yeah, it's okay.

- With all the new fresh meat,

you'll be able to have your own furniture, hmm?

Hmm?

Boop!

Now, my sweet darling, we must plan.

In order to be the most effective in opening the Anus

of Hell, we must get as close to the source as possible.

And that means infiltrating the Saint Sebastian Church

of the Sacred Ass, and being at the pulpit at midnight.

- Dear Queen, my love.

My light.

Do not be careless with the planning.

And whatever you do, do not let the Ring of Oberon

fall into the wrong hands.

- Of course not.

Father Gaylord will never again possess this jewel.

The error has been rectified.

- You know that is not what I mean.

- Oh, Lordess, Queen Bitch would never-

- Silence!

You speak when you are spoken to, knave!

The power of the ring is far too great for any Earthling,

even for the one who is working with Father Gaylord,

although he's really quite something. [chuckling]

Queen you know it must be a being from a moon

of Uranus that activates the ring's magic.

Otherwise, it is lethal.

- Yes, my Lordess.

It is my duty to activate the ring, and my joy to live

on a homosexual planet.

[dramatic music] [both laughing]

Fresh meat!

[Maurice sobbing]

Girl.

Girl.

You have to stop with the jealousy thing.

You're my table.

No one can replace my table.

[upbeat dance music]

[choir singing in foreign language]

[Father Gaylord humming]

- Can I help you with something?

- Oh.

Well, yes, I feel the need to confess, Father.

- Don't you usually go to the police to do that sort of...

- Huh?

- Yes, sure.

I will be there in just a moment.

- Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been five years since my last confession.

So much has gone wrong in that time.

I, I'm looking for my son.

Five years ago, there was an accident.

The hospital said he had died.

They wouldn't let us see the body.

The coroner said it was too mangled. [sobbing]

I was watching the news a month ago.

And they had a story about one of those faggot parades.

With the flags and all these sissy boys

marching down the street, too stupid and godless

to be ashamed of themselves!

And my son, my boy,

I saw my boy in the front!

Twirling a baton!

Like a girl! [sobbing]

How could this happen?

What did I do wrong to raise such a faggot?

How can he be a homosexual? [sobbing]

- There, there.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

- I don't want my son to burn in Hell

for having a depraved life.

I need to bring him back to God.

He was always such a good boy! [sobbing]

It just does not make any sense.

He was the advertising executive behind Gay Away!

- Gay Away, you say?

- It's a powder to put in communion wine.

It cures homosexuality.

It's very popular in Russia.

[dramatic music]

- Um, um...

Maybe I can help?

Yes.

I can help.

Your son will suddenly see the illness of his ways

and come here seeking for salvation.

If that's for communion wine, I've got plenty of that.

Gay Away is no sin.

Would you just pass me a few?

- Of course, Father.

[upbeat music, no dialogue]

- [Father Gaylord] Dear Captain Faggotron,

I will meet Queen Bitch

in the cruising zone tomorrow afternoon.

I must convince her to give me the ring.

My feelings for her are still so strong.

I am afraid.

It is what God wants.

Your friend, Father Gaylord.

[upbeat music continues]

[soft music]

[both growling]

[soft music continues]

- Well,

imagine running into you here.

I guess clergy school fixed you up real good.

Looks like you're cured.

- Leave me be!

- [laughing] No.

[ominous music]

[ominous music]

- Demon!

Devil!

- Run and run and run.

You can't escape who you are, lover.

[animals chittering and growling]

- I need to talk to you.

- Yeah?

- No.

Stand back!

The, the ring.

- Hmm?

- It's not the way.

- Hmm.

- What if we can be saved?

What if we can be normal?

Don't you want a chance?

- [laughing] At what?

A wife and a mortgage and what?

Why be normal, when you can be extraordinarily fabulous?

[chimes ringing]

Just come out.

"What would Jesus do?

What would Jesus say?"

Baby,

we were so good together.

- What if, oh, Christ, have mercy on me,

what if I were to be with you?

Out?

Out with you?

What if, then?

Then, would you give me the ring?

Then, would you leave the rest of the world alone?

[soft music]

- I'd consider it.

[soft music continues]

[soft music continues]

[triangle ringing]

[Father Gaylord humming]

- What should I do?

Should I take the Gay Away?

- [Jesus] Can you help me out?

[dramatic music]

- Jesus Christ!

Yes, of course!

[soft music]

- [Jesus] Up here.

- Yes, sure.

- Ah!

Oh.

That does get tiring.

Do you mind?

- Please.

Would you like a fresh one?

- Whatever, man.

- Should I- - Dude!

You have got to relax.

Just, Just chill for a second.

We have to talk about this ring business.

And the Gay Away?

I forbid you to take that crap!

- I just want to assure you that I, as your humble servant,

will do all in my power to prevent Queen Bi-

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

- What? - You're gay.

It's fine.

I swear.

I swear on my Dad!

Let the planet turn gay, who cares?

- But, but, the Bible?

- Those fucking guys, my biographers?

They didn't love me.

They didn't understand me.

The part about stoning,

this is the stoning.

Listen, Father.

You really need to stop trying to dictate your desire.

It's unappealing.

Just love men.

Nobody cares.

Well, maybe not nobody.

But I don't.

And I'm the one that matters, right?

And the Gay Away?

I forbid you to take it!

[bell tolling]

[dramatic organ music]

- Why is Jesus rejecting me?

I don't want to be gay. [sobbing]

♪ No fats, no fems, no Blacks, no long chats, no blah-blah ♪

♪ No Asians, no Latinos, no mixed, no whites ♪

♪ No Tories, no fake, no chat, no gay voices please ♪

♪ No plan, no bullshit, no strings, no sex dates ♪

♪ No you're not the fucking exception ♪

♪ No drugs, no chems, no tea, no crap, no face no response ♪

♪ No kinks, no levels, no fisting, no tops ♪

♪ No one old enough to be my Dad ♪

♪ No pics, no answer ♪

♪ No answer, no interest ♪

♪ No time-wasters, no HIV, no endless back-and-forth, no TB ♪

♪ No group, no beards ♪

♪ No smokers, no face pic, no chance ♪

♪ No sunglasses, no burn tattoos, no couples, no females ♪

♪ No girls, no drama, no hang-ups, no face no chat ♪

♪ No border, no nation ♪

♪ No messages without pictures ♪

♪ No older, no one over 23, no one over 25, no one over 27, ♪

♪ No one over 28, no one over 29, no one over 30, ♪

♪ No one under 30 ♪

♪ No children, no pic, no martinis ♪

♪ No money involved ♪

♪ No escorts ♪

♪ No tops, no bottoms ♪

♪ No answer is an answer ♪

♪ No answer, no interest ♪

- No conformity.

- This queen.

Have you seen her around?

- No.

- Wow, that is a big sausage.

Look at you.

You big, sexy meat stick.

You're just the longest sausage, aren't you?

You just wait until I get my lips around you.

[upbeat music]

- I'll have what that one is having.

I hear you've been looking for me.

I'm so glad you found me.

[upbeat dance music]

- Order up.

[upbeat dance music]

[Queen Bitch moaning]

[both moaning]

[upbeat dance music]

[both moaning]

- So, you must be that Captain I've heard so much about.

Are you enjoying Daddy?

- My priest?

- My priest.

- We have a purely, [clearing throat]

professional relationship.

But I believe you have something of his.

- [chuckling] Oh, honey.

Everything I have is mine.

Now, darling.

Play nice.

I can't believe you, of all people, would fear a gay planet.

- Of course not.

Father Gaylord...

It's complicated.

- I think I've seen you somewhere before.

A long time ago.

You looked different then.

[dreamy music]

- Well you tell that fudgepacker

that if he doesn't meet the deadline, not only is he fired,

but he'll also never work in this town again!

And I don't care if his wife has lung cancer!

[upbeat rock music]

[Mr. Smith sniffing]

Whew!

Sally!

Sally!

Sally, get in here.

- Yes, Mr. Smith?

- Sally.

Sweetheart.

Put a hold on that Jew David Ingleman's account

starting right fucking now!

- Yes, Mr. Smith.

- And, Sally? - Yes, Mr. Smith?

- Smile more.

It looks better.

- Yes, Mr. Smith.

[upbeat rock music]

- Thank you.

That's all.

[upbeat rock music continues]

Fuck all this!

I'm going to a titty bar!

[upbeat dance music]

[dramatic music]

Hey!

This isn't a titty bar!

[dramatic music continues]

- Silence!

Come forward.

- I don't take orders from no broad!

Even if she does have a nice rack.

[laser humming] [Mr. Smith groaning]

[Mr. Smith grunting]

- You are a man in pain, Mr. Smith.

Lies latch on to you like sticky spider silk.

You are but a fragile fly in a web of falsehoods.

These mistruths, they eat away at you at night.

I can help you, Mr. Smith.

But first, you will have to let me break your fragile ego

like an egg.

[grunting] And you won't let me do that.

[dramatic music]

A great tragedy will befall you.

A terrible accident will happen.

Please stay here with me, Mr. Smith.

Please.

Please, let me help you.

- You crazy pervert!

You don't know what you're talking about.

Go get fucked.

Choke on a dick!

- A curse on you, Mr. Smith.

May you be forever tied to one.

Trapped between gayness and God, to aid him on his journey

and transcendence.

From now on, your sole mission in life will be

to smash the patriarchal structures that have benefited you.

The Ring of Oberon makes it so!

[dramatic music continues]

[upbeat dance music]

[car horn honking] [Mr. Smith screaming]

[tires screeching]

[car crashing]

[Mr. Smith gagging]

[siren wailing]

[machines beeping]

- The patient, Mr. Smith,

has suffered several severe injuries,

including stage fracture of the homunculus majorus.

We have stabilized him for now,

but he has lost a lot of blood.

The good news is, he is O positive,

and we've got lots of that.

Father, it does not look good.

Please stand by for last rites.

Donny?

Donny!

Go to the storage room and get us two bags of O Positive.

Stat!

- Right away, Frau Doktor.

[quirky music]

[machines beeping]

[dramatic music]

[machines beeping rapidly]

[Mr. Smith groaning]

[chimes ringing]

[upbeat music]

- Nurse!

Doctor!

I feel fabulous!

I feel great!

[dreamy music]

- Yes.

You have a curse on you, don't you?

You must help Father Gaylord, you have no choice.

- How did you know?

- It controls you too.

Or, it has.

I'm sure you remember meeting The Dick Reader?

And boy, did she read you wrong. [laughing]

- Father Gaylord has a picture of her on his wall.

I remember.

But it does not change the situation.

- Doesn't it?

That priest is using the church as an over-sized closet!

He's running from me. - From you?

- When I release the demons,

Father Gaylord won't be able to run anymore.

There'll be no reason to.

No more hate.

No more concentration camps for the gays.

No more pink triangles pinned to our chests.

No more shootings in Orlando.

No more Wyoming crucifixions.

The world will embrace men loving men

because we will dominate the Earth.

Father Gaylord can't stop me.

And neither can you.

[Queen Bitch laughing]

- I met Queen Bitch.

She took me to her lair.

Which, I must say, is fabulous!

Her human table Maurice will come to you tonight

with an urgent need to confess.

But while you are in the confessions,

Queen Bitch will sneak to the pulpit and jerk off

into the Anus of Hell and release the demons

and turn the whole world into homosexuals.

[dramatic music]

Are you sure we want to stop her?

- Oh no, she's got you in her clutches.

- I am in no one's clutches!

I just don't understand why we fear a gay planet.

More homosexuals is what the world needs, don't you think?

- No.

No, no, I do not!

We must find a cure for this queerness that afflicts us!

- Come on!

Jesus was a total homo.

All these men around all the time.

And the foot washing?

Seems a little fetishy to me, don't you think?

And that chest.

Maurice will come tonight.

What you do then is up to you.

[dramatic organ music]

- My children.

My children.

My children, my blessed children.

Today I have grim news.

Trouble is afoot in our House of the Lord.

A being will enter Saint Sebastian's Cathedral tonight

and attempt her way to the pulpit

where she will perform unspeakable and irreversible acts

at the stroke of midnight to flood the world

with homosexuals.

[dramatic music]

My children.

It is up to us to stop her.

- What kind of acts, Father?

- Unspeakable means that we don't speak about them.

Isn't that right, Johannes?

- How will we know her, Father?

[soft music]

- Her beauty, incomparable.

Her seductive eyes.

Her bejeweled slender fingers.

When she moves, it's like a sigh.

You will know her.

You must stop her!

- How do you know her, Father?

- Many months ago, I was doing some important outreach

with homosexuals,

[dramatic music]

urging them to repent.

Trying to save their souls from the fiery depths of hell.

I met Queen Bitch.

A being beyond saving.

A being with certain power.

In cahoots with a treacherous woman.

- I counseled Queen Bitch for some months.

Trying to show her the way of our Lord, to no avail.

Indeed, I did fall under her spell.

But the power of Christ is mighty.

And it was by this power that I was able to break free.

- Is this the weekly outreach you still do at Crisco Cuties?

- Silence, we don't speak about that place.

Queen Bitch must be stopped.

If she's not stopped, none of you,

most of you, will never be the same.

[bell tolling]

[triangle ringing]

- Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have aided and abetted in thievery,

and succumbed to carnal, homosexual lust with Her Highness,

Queen Bitch, whom I believe you know as well.

- I know why you're here. - Father Gaylord.

Captain Faggotron has the ring.

And he's going to use it.

- Not Captain Faggotron!

- Yes.

He has joined us.

And he's at the pulpit as we speak,

waiting for the Anus of Hell to open.

But he doesn't know what the ring will do to him.

- What do you mean?

- The ring is from Queen Bitch's home, Oberon,

one of the moons of Uranus.

Queen Bitch is immune to the ring's powers.

But for a mere human such as Captain Faggotron,

it is deadly.

If Captain Faggotron is able to work his magic

with the ring, at the stroke of midnight,

the ring will fly into the Anus of Hell,

releasing the demons,

and taking Captain Faggotron's life force with it.

- Didn't Queen Bitch warn him?

- She tried to, but he wouldn't listen!

- We need to warn Captain Faggotron!

- Father, it's 30 seconds to midnight!

I don't think we can stop him.

- We'll have to hurry.

[upbeat dance music]

♪ Infused with queer blood accidentally ♪

♪ His dick revealed a special prophecy ♪

♪ Destroy all toxic masculinity ♪

♪ We're gonna buck your normativity ♪

♪ Now he drips with ♪

♪ Sexual energy ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ Flirting in person when he gets a chance ♪

♪ He dances with his pants pants ♪

♪ Clouds of glitter and resistance ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ Captain Faggotron won't destroy your family ♪

♪ But he could quickie ♪

♪ And be sure to set them free ♪

♪ Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ From elastic in Japan ♪

♪ He makes it into small towns and majesties ♪

♪ Another man ♪

♪ Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ He's gonna save the world ♪

♪ Make it a safer place ♪

♪ For every queer boy and every queer girl ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

♪ It's Captain Faggotron ♪

- [Captain Faggotron] Come on, demons.

Come on, demons!

- [Queen Bitch] Wait!

Stop!

- This is what you want. [moaning]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music continues]

[explosion booming]

[eerie ambient music]

[quirky music]

[all laughing]

[all moaning]

[Captain Faggotron groaning]

- It's happened.

It's happened.

We were too late.

Too late.

- I'm sorry, Father Gaylord.

I did it for the greater good.

- I know.

I know.

[Captain Faggotron groaning]

[soft music]

- No more closets.

No more fear.

- Never.

[soft music continues]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music continues]

♪ I walk the streets alone in the dead of the night ♪

♪ Follow the slightest crawl ♪

♪ From darkness into the light ♪

♪ Within an hour or two ♪

♪ This city wakes under unforgiving skies ♪

♪ Turns nightly creatures into shadows ♪

♪ And turns promises to lies ♪

♪ I drown my sadness in a nice glass of chardonnay ♪

♪ Watch all the strangers through a blur of cheap cocaine ♪

♪ The face in the mirror whispers ♪

♪ Don't hold on to things that have long gone ♪

♪ I turn my head to the light ♪

♪ And with the blink of an eye ♪

♪ I come undone ♪

[singing in foreign language]

[upbeat music continues]

♪ Let me be the ocean ♪

♪ That whispers to the shore of fallen tears ♪

♪ Let me raise my glass to the pain ♪

♪ Before my kind just sets a fear ♪

♪ Underneath the night skies of Berlin ♪

[woman speaking foreign language]

♪ Let me be the ocean ♪

♪ That whispers to the shore of fallen tears ♪

♪ Let me raise my glass to the pain ♪

♪ Before my kind just sets a fear ♪

♪ Underneath the night skies of Berlin ♪

♪ Underneath the night skies of Berlin ♪

[upbeat music continues]