Original subtitles

King: hello. King.

Princess clara: hi, father.

My dear clara, what's wrong?

You sound upset.

I don't know, father.

It's just that I feel like there's something missing.

Did you check the colored girl's room?

No, I mean there's something missing from my life.

I was hoping i'd come to this house

And discover who I really am.

You are a princess.

Duh!

I know that, father,

But--but I long for so much more.

Of course you do. Because you're a princess,

And that's what princesses do.

They long for more

Or die in a car crash in France.

Now, let us never speak of this again.

Yes, father.

Xandir: sometimes I think captain hero cares

More about those boots than our friendship.

I bet they never slew

The man troll on rainbow mountain.

Heh--

I said, "slew," right?

You know what's funny, captain hero?

Elder abuse?

Well, yes, elder abuse,

And the fact that we share the same room

But never do anything together.

Like, you know, hang out or go to the mall.

"go to the mall"?

Is that some kind of gay code?

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

No, no, it's not like that.

We could get snow cones, try on outfits--

Oh, and get our picture taken with santa!

Ok, fine.

Whoopee! Hoo hoo! Goody goody!

Captain hero: I figured, what the hell.

Make the gay kid happy.

Besides, I know a certain pony-less superhero

Who had a few choice words for mr. Claus.

Clara: I was sulking around the house

Trying to find ways to cheer myself up,

But nothing seemed to be working.

But then I saw something magical,

Something that would change me forever.

Focus!

Ok, ok, ok.

[inhaling]

[upper-class voice] good evening, delivery man of pizza.

[indian accent] that will be $8.46, please.

[grunting]

[pffft]

Here is your money, kind sir.

Oh, thank you-- wait a second.

Uh, I don't remember ordering this pizza...

With sausage!

Aah!

You suck!

I said, "with sausage!"

Oop!

Hey, what are you doing here?

[panting]

[crowing]

Captain hero: I was picking out an outfit

For my trip to the mall

When I got an urgent phone call

From the commissioner.

Hello. Commissioner? Captain hero here.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm captain hero, and I can fly!

And I-- do you mind, fudgey?!

I'm on the phone.

I don't care.

I gotta call my a.A. Sponsor.

[girly voice] I said i'm on the phone!

[normal voice] i'm sorry, commissioner.

That was toot. She is so annoying.

The other day I, like, left my clothes

In the washer for maybe 5 minutes--

Maybe--and she sneaks in, you know,

And she puts her wet towel in the dryer.

So i'm like, "can I at least throw my stuff in with your one towel?"

And she's all, "no!" so i'm like, "whatever!"

Oh, do you have any roommates, commissioner?

What?! Aladdin is about to magic carpet bomb israel?

I'm on my way!

Sorry, xandir, no mall today, gay friend.

[grunts]

[slurring] why don't you love me, captain morgan?

Huh? Aah!

Oh, no, you're bleeding.

I'll save you, captain morgan.

[slurping]

Clara: I couldn't stop thinking

About foxxy, spanky, and that pizza man.

I needed to learn more.

Well, that's it, spanky.

We's brokah than a newscaster of the same name.

I guess that was our last pizza prank.

[gasps] wait!

Yo, princess, if you're looking for the pizza,

You're too late. We ate it already.

Here. Here's $8.26.

You too, huh? Here it is.

[boing]

Jesus, spanky! Put that thing away!

Wait a minute! I thought you wanted to see my thick 8!

That is disgusting!

Then what the hell's the money for?

Here, I want you to have this money

For your little game with the pizza man.

"little game"?

Did you say, "little game"?

The travel size edition of battleship,

That's a little game.

Screwing with the pizza man,

That's a way of life, my friend.

It's who I am.

Clara: that look in spanky's eye.

I hadn't seen anything like it.

It was that passion

That was so missing in my own life.

Wait! Spanky, please.

Take the money.

I need you to.

All right, fine.

Ok, here's how it's gonna go down.

I'm gonna finish my hair.

Spanky, you order the pizza.

And, clara, you go into the confessional

And tell the camera how you never felt so alive.

My first naughty prank.

I've never felt so alive!

Bill withers: ¶ ain't no sunshine when she's gone ¶

¶ it's not warm when she's away ¶

¶ ain't no sunshine ¶

Spanky: the princess was so excited,

I figured i'd give her a chance and let her call the pizza man.

That was a huge mistake.

I mean, it wasn't as big a mistake

As when I converted to islam in August of 2001,

But still pretty big.

Um, I would like to order one large pizza.

Yes, uh, with doody on it!

No! Hello?

Ahem.

[clara's voice] sorry about that.

We'll just take the pizza plain.

Just plain.

I'm sorry, spanky.

[clara's voice] look, forget it. Ahem.

[normal voice] just let foxxy and me handle it from here.

That way, nothing can possibly go wrong.

Oh, my god!

I braided my hands into my rows!

I can't get 'em out!

Oh, this is so stupid.

Now who's gonna answer the door

While I doot on the pizza?

Who? Come on!

Oh, mr. Spanky, please, if you will allow me to.

I can do it.

No way, josé!

You'll just screw it up again.

Come on, spanky. Give me a second chance.

Didn't you get a second chance

When you were given that dead schoolteacher's liver?

You know, you're right.

I'll let you do it.

Here's to second chances, kid!

[gulping]

Clara: what a fiasco.

The pizza would be here in 30 minutes or less,

And with foxxy's hands stuck in her hair,

She was more useless than a mexican.

[doorbell rings] hmm?

Clara: pulling off this prank would take a miracle.

Well, hello, mr. Pizza man.

$8.26, please, and this time,

No funny business.

Don't give him the money yet.

Get the pizza first so I can doot on it.

You know, it'd be so much easier for me to pay you

If you give me the pizza first.

Oh, I do not see how that could possibly be easier.

Now, give me the money first!

Abort! Abort!

Ok, pizza man, we'll do it your way.

Oh...

May this life bring you the happiness

It has so consistently denied me.

You incompetent boob!

You gave him the money first,

And now he's gone!

I can't believe I trusted you. Hmm!

[knocking] pizza man: madam!

You only gave me $5!

I need the full amount, please.

Oh...You're good.

Just, uh, give me a second!

Foxxy: aw, I seen this a million times.

Daddy's little girl falls for some bad boy,

And then she go and get herself pregnant

And sells the child on the black market

To pay the bills.

Oh, little timmy, mommy misses you.

Oh, i'm glad you came back,

'cause we got a little problem.

You see, I don't remember ordering a pizza...

With sausage!

[ode to joy playing]

I...

Oh!

Buh! Oh...

[indistinct police radio chatter]

You're going downtown, pig.

And where have you been?

I walked that entire mall

All by myself.

Oh, was that today?

Yes, that was today!

Sorry. I had to restore peace

To the middle east again.

Boy, those muslims are kooky, man.

I mean, have you read that koran?

It's mostly knock-knock jokes and--

You used to care about me, about us.

What? What?

You used to tell me I was pretty.

No, I didn't. You used to dress up for me!

Just that one time.

Oh, forget it.

I hope you enjoy the couch.

Xandir! I said couch!

[crowing]

Clara: what happened to me?

Messing with the minimum wage pizza man,

Going to jail.

Shivving my cellmate.

These are things a princess should never do,

And that's why I liked it so much.

What a rush!

You know, I, uh, hate to admit it,

But, uh, you handled yourself like a pro.

So, clara, who bailed us out?

What? Didn't I see you

On the phone with our roommates?

Well, actually, I had to take care of some other business.

I'm sorry, man,

But we didn't order 20 pizzas

With extra anchovies and doody on them.

Oh, but it says right here on the receipt.

Look out! He's got a receipt!

Please! No! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh...

You suck!

They shot him.

Oh...

Then who did bail us out?

I did. [gasps]

Father?

And you!

Stay away from my daughter.

Wait!

King: i'm taking you back to the castle.

But, father-- but nothing!

I can't go home now.

I'm finally learning about the real me.

Please?

Oh...Ok, my dear. You may stay,

But I must make sure

You never set eyes on that pig again.

No! Don't stab my eyes!

Come on. Just a little stab in the eye.

Just a little stabbing in the eye.

No, father. No forking.

What if I just promise to never see spanky again, ok?

Forky pokey promise?

No! Just a promise.

Because you trust me.

Right, father?

Hmm. Fine. Ok.

I do trust you.

Oh, father, thank you.

[gasps]

Ah ha! 2 for flinching.

Ow!

Wow, wooldoor,

That was the most fun i've ever had.

Captain hero: after our little spat,

Xandir started spending an awful lot of time

Will that wooldoor fella.

My super senses told me he was just using him

To make me jealous.

I can't imagine having any more fun

With anyone,

Superhero or otherwise.

Captain hero: and the worst part about it was

His plan was super working.

Hey, xandir, listen,

I have some, uh, sick days coming to me,

And if you're interested,

I'm up for a little zoo action tomorrow.

Yeah! Oh, great!

The two of us will go to the zoo tomorrow!

You know, just me and you and not wooldoor.

Oh...

If anybody needs me, i'll be in the clock tower.

[cocks]

Now, clara,

You promise to stay away from that boyishly handsome pig?

Yes, father.

I shall miss you.

Mmm! Mmm!

Mwah!

Spanky: fine, if clara wants

To listen to her daddy and never see me again,

Then screw her, right?

I can find someone else

To help me mess with the pizza man.

You want to do what to the pizza?!

The most tasty and delicious

Of all that is tasty and delicious!

So you can shit on it?!

I should kill you where you stand!

Unh!

Aah!

[thud]

I thought you promised daddy

That you'd never see me again.

I know I did.

And, yes, i'm scared to defy my father.

But i'm even more scared of never again feeling

The way I do... When i'm with you.

Aw, baby, let's do it.

What? You mean--

Yes. I'll order the pizza. Then you'll doot on it.

Then we'll say we didn't order sausage.

I can't.

I mean, I want to. I really do,

But i'm just a princess.

That's your father talking, clara.

Come on. Take my hand.

Let me teach you.

I want you to pretend this is a pizza box.

All right, head up, back straight,

Breathe.

Eyes closed.

Now, feel the poo moving through

Your digestive system.

Relax, relax.

Now, visualize emptying your bowels slowly

Onto the pizza.

Can you see it?

Oh, my god! I can see it!

I can see myself...

Emptying my bowels onto the pizza.

Mmm...

[both giggling]

Thanks for everything, spanky.

Last night was amazing.

Poo humor's always been so low

On my list of priorities,

But now it's like...

Number 2. Number 2.

[playing fanfare]

Hear ye, hear ye,

The king will burst in unexpectedly.

Clara? Clara?

Father, I didn't expect you here.

[scraping]

Father, what's happened to you?

On my journey home, I was carriage-jacked.

[all gasping]

I told his ass you drive a carriage

With phat rims like that in this neighborhood,

You asking for trouble.

It was horrible.

They took my carriage, my horses, my crown,

But not my innocence.

No, I lost that a long time ago

When I was just a naive prince

Who would do anything to please his jousting instructor.

Anything.

Who could've done this?!

All I know is I looked up

Into a snot-dripping pig snout

Pawing at me with disgusting pig feet

Like his!

[all gasping]

Guard, grab him!

Father! No!

Crowny, it wasn't me. I don't steal carriages.

I steal scenes.

¶ figaro! Figaro! ¶

¶ fi-ga-ro ¶

Oh, and I suppose my carriage

Was stolen by some other disgusting pig.

[slurring] I don't remember anything.

I think I might have had a drink or two.

Are you calling me a liar?!

[crunch]

Pig, I find you guilty.

Off with his head!

[both gasping]

Oh, you got the tickets for the zoo?

What? I thought you had them.

Oh, xandir...

Oh, you trick me like that again,

And i'll fucking kill you.

Look out, zoo! Here we come!

[rings]

I'll get it.

Why don't you wait in the car?

And open the windows a bit.

Ling-ling's been in there all day.

[teddy bear squeaks]

Commissioner? Hi! How's the little one?

What's he now, like, 11?

Oh, I remember being that age.

Not a girl, not yet a woman.

What?!

Earth is being invaded by robo-insect-a-bots

With hats?!

[gasps]

Oh...Oh...

Unh! Oh...

Everyone!

And 10...

All: 9, 8, 7...

I knew spanky couldn't have been the one who carriage-jacked father,

Because spanky and I spent the night together.

But if I told father that, he'd never forgive me.

3... 9...

5... 4...

Wait!

Father, please.

I can prove it wasn't spanky.

I have evidence that will clear his name.

Spanky couldn't have been the one

Who carriage-jacked father,

Because we spent the night together.

Eh?

Oh, clara, how could you?

I trusted you.

I couldn't believe my daughter deliberately disobeyed me.

She left me no choice. I had to take her home.

No, father, no!

Then clara protested, but, you know,

It was too late.

So, my mind had been made up anyway.

Father, talk to him.

Oh, no. I'm not getting in the middle of this.

You ready, buddy?

As i'll ever be. Heh heh.

Uh, who was that on the phone?

Oh, it was, um, work.

Oh. Was it important?

Yeah. It was important...

But not as important as keeping a promise

To a gay friend.

Now, let's visit the hell out of that zoo!

¶ daisy, daisy ¶

[blast] [rarr]

¶ give me your answer, do ¶

Aah!

[baah!]

¶ i'm half crazy ¶

¶ all for the love of you ¶

Newsman: captain hero, where are you?!

¶ ...A stylish marriage ¶

¶ I can't afford a carriage ¶

¶ but you'll look sweet-- ¶

I'm doing this for your own good.

You need to stay away

From "a," this house.

Well, then,

I guess this is good-bye.

[doorbell rings]

Well, then,

I guess that's the doorbell.

Well, then,

I guess that's the pizza man.

What the hell do you want?!

Someone ordered a pizza.

That would be me.

No one puts baby in the corner.

Clara, don't you dare!

Uh...

Believe in yourself, clara.

Anything your dad says don't do,

I say...Doo doo.

No, no. Don't. Let her be.

Man: ¶ this song is supposed to be... ¶

That will be $8.26, please.

¶ just like that song in dirty dancing... ¶

Of course it will.

¶ the one where they talk about having the greatest time ¶

¶ while they set the dirty dance floor on fire ¶

Woman: ¶ so this is our version ¶

¶ though the chords are not quite the same ¶

¶ and the melody is different ¶

¶ it's even kind of lame ¶

Both: ¶ but, hell, it's the best that we could do ¶

Man: ¶ we had to make something fit ¶

Both: ¶ so given the scene ¶

¶ it's fitting if it sounds like-- ¶

[grunting] [pffft]

[plop]

That is the most disgusting thing i've ever seen!

Off with his head!

Wait!

I have something I must say.

Say it, baby.

I don't remember ordering this pizza...

With sausage!

[ode to joy playing]

You suck.

Clara, what are you doing?

I am laughing, father.

Laughing!

My goodness, you are.

I've never seen you so happy.

Because i've never been so happy.

Oh, clara, that is all i've ever wanted for you.

Who knew it was dooting on pizza

That would make you so happy.

Oh, father, I love you.

I love you, too.

Mmm... Oh...

Mmm...

[whispering] you smell like your mother.

Oh, daddy.

What do you say, crowny?

We good?

We good.

Hey, you guys!

Captain hero and I just had the best time at the zoo.

It was pretty fun.

Oh, gosh, I just love happy endings.

[all screaming]

Oh, my god, they're wearing hats!

We have finally destroyed all the humans,

But we have also learned from them.

I did not order a blaxicon with...

Seethle blark.

Ha ha ha. You suck.

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

[child laughing]

[sultry music playing]

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Mwah!

[whispering] you smell like your mother.