Original subtitles

Hey!

Ooh! Aah! Hey!

[squish]

Ok, who left their golden ring of qwelldar

In the fucking crapper?!

Guilty! Ha ha! Sorry.

Oh. Is this yours?

Come and get it, big boy.

[exhales]

[foghorn blows]

[xandir whimpers]

[squish]

[suction]

Fabbo! That makes 100! [giggles]

Ooh, now I can jump with a spin! Whee!

[electronic beeps]

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Oh, tch, I thought it was cute.

Houseguests, please report to the living room.

Wooldoor: since we've gone 5 days without a hate crime,

We were rewarded with a new household item.

I sure hope it's a new stereo.

Ours is getting old.

[squawks] it's a living.

[reality tv music plays]

Producer: roommates, we have decided to reward you with...

Come on, television...

...A brand-new 36-inch plasma...

Booyah!

...Sewing machine!

[deflated] booyah.

Gee, mr. Hero,

We can always sew a television.

That has to be the dumbest thing i've heard

Since I taught those special-ed classes,

But seriously, those kids try hard.

[ling-ling grunts]

Oh. Oh. Oh.

[speaking japanese]

Announcer: coming up on drawn together...

[ka-ching]

Damn. That asian thing sure can sew!

[ka-ching]

Let me introduce myself.

I'm spanky ham, and you are...

Well, mr. Asian gibberish,

I've got a business proposition for you.

I thought the sewing machine was pretty lame,

But somebody was happy about it.

You know i'm talking about the queer, right?

I'm so happy we finally got a sewing machine.

I've been so looking forward to finishing my tea cozy.

Have you ever seen anything so adorable? [giggles]

Dude, you are so gay.

You know something?

These jokes you make, they can be so hurtful.

Strong, xandir. Strong, xandir. Breathe!

Come on, xandir. We all know you're gay.

You don't have to keep livin' a lie.

You know, I used to say I wasn't black.

I'd just tell everybody I fell into a vat of chocolate puddin'.

[slurps]

You mean, this isn't pudding?

Did I tell you to stop lickin'?!

[slurps]

But, xandir, I finally admitted the truth,

And so should you.

Hello.

I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend.

What more proof do you need?!

How about this?!

[cats screech, train whistles]

"acme gay test." hmm.

[deep voice] let's do it.

Ok, question one:

You gay?

No!

Question 2:

Homo say what?

First of all, foxxy, i'm not an idiot.

Ok, i've heard that one, like, a million times,

And secondly... Wait, what?

Tell me the first thing you see.

Cock?

Willie.

Wang.

Woody.

Wood...

Pecker.

Blue-vein custard-chucker.

One-eyed wiggling welshman.

Pink-helmeted, milk shooting man banana

Plunging into the hole of an ass!

We're gonna make imitation name-brand sneakers,

Ones that everyone will likey,

But our sneakers will be bigger and cooler

And more sneakery.

Can ya do it, little buddy?!

Ah-so.

That's a good oriental.

We're gonna do great things,

Just like fat man and little boy!

Oh, hai!

Yeah! Now make 100 more, and big ones!

They ain't for them midget girl feet

You asiatics get off on!

Well, according to this game,

You real gay.

Of course xandir's gay!

Why else wouldn't he be attracted to all this?

'cause you're fat, and nobody likes fat chicks.

Whee!

Captain hero: dude, I like fat chicks.

[squawks] it's a living.

Let me see that box.

Hey, this gay test is for ages 6 to 12.

It doesn't even apply to me!

Xandir continued protesting

That he was in fact straight,

So I turned to the bible

And was reminded of the one true test

Of a man's sexuality...

The mysterious and deadly woodbeast.

[thunder]

All: woodbeast... Woodbeast...

Princess clara: deep inside this stump of tree

Lives the all-knowing woodbeast.

Choose a hole and stick your hand in.

Should the beast bite you,

Then it is true. You are indeed homosexual.

[whimpers]

Aah! My arm!

Aah! I'm gay!

Xandir, please come on out.

It's totally cool that you gay.

Stop beatin' yourself up.

Seriously, xandir, it's not your place to punish yourself.

It's god's.

Leave me alone!

I'm taking another gay test.

What? The only test in there is a pregnancy test.

Oh, great. Now i've got 2 problems.

Man, this is some bullshit.

We gonna need to knock some sense into this child,

And I know just the thing.

Gay bash!

Aah!

All: surprise! It's a gay bash!

[dance music playing]

Xandir, look around you.

Everything the light touches is gay.

[lion king like music] ¶ hey, ohh ¶

¶ homo-oh ¶

¶ ohh! ¶

¶ homo-oh ¶

¶ ee-ya homo ¶

Ya see, all xandir needed was to be surrounded

By his queer peers.

Now, come on.

Heavens to murgatroid! You're fabulacious, even!

Wow. What a weer end.

Ohh, hello, hello, hello, captain hero.

I not see you since initiation into league of heroes.

Zip it!

What happens in bizarro world

Stays in bizarro world.

Well, technically, bathroom at bus station

Not considered bizarro world. Huh?

Aah! [cat screeches]

Come on, xandir, dance!

Oh, um, I don't know how.

Oh, sure you do. Everyone knows how.

Well, um, I do have a special move,

But, uh, y-you'll just laugh.

Don't be siwwy, siwwy.

[electronic beeps]

Man: oh, wow!

That is reawwy hot.

He's one of us now.

[electronic beeps]

Finally I could be who I really was:

A gay xandir!

I reawwy, reawwy wike you, wandir.

Oh, and I--I weally wike you.

Shh. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet.

I'm gonna rewease your thwobbing member

From its leather prison.

[chains and buckles become undone]

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Uh...Ohh.

Yeah, will do.

That was the nba.

If we can produce 10,000 more fake name-brand sneakers,

By this time tomorrow, we'll be rich,

Rich, I tells ya!

Ohh...

I know, ling-ling.

What you need is some good, old-fashioned

Positive reinforcement.

You can do this.

[snap snap]

You're special 'cause you're you!

There's 2 is in "ling-ling."

Just do it!

If you conceive it, you can achieve it!

[singing sad song in japanese]

Oh!

Aah!

[song ends]

¶ can you feel it? ¶

Xandir: oh, ho! It was the best gay bash of my life,

And I didn't think anything or anyone could ruin it,

But I was wrong.

Gay wrong.

Packie, hey.

I didn't expect to see you here.

[lisping] oh, I could say the same thing.

This is juicy, huh?

Does your girlfriend know?

Oh, uh, listen, pac-man,

I know your ex and my girlfriend are good friends,

But let's keep this between us, huh?

I mean, there's no reason ms. Pac-man needs to know i'm gay.

Oh, sweetie,

I think she already knows.

Ohh, you and pac-man, huh?

Heh, well, you won't be the first fruit he ate. Ha ha ha!

Yeah! Go, foxxy! It's your birthday!

Not for real, real, just for play, play.

Oh, my god! Foxxy, don't you understand?!

That big-mouth tranny is gonna tell my girlfriend i'm out!

Oh, my god!

She's gonna freak!

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?!

Hmm. I wonder what this is for.

Man, you shoulda seen me out there on the dance floor.

I was dancin' and-- what the...

Hello.

You're a funny fella.

What's your name?

[sniffs]

[electronic beeps]

What a party.

Those gays left the place way cleaner than it was before!

You better be strong. Call her.

Your girlfriend deserves to know

That you love mangina.

Xandir: foxxy was right.

She did deserve to know,

And I do love mangina.

Xandir! Thank god you called!

Evil lord slashdab is lowering me into a pit of mega-cobras!

Sure, listen, before we talk about your problems,

There's something I have to--

These snakes are gonna eat me alive!

Shh, shh, sweetheart, let me just get this out.

I...

I'm gay.

Aah! The venom! It burns!

What? You're gay?

Mes, oui.

But don't worry. I'm still on a never-ending quest

To save you!

The hell you are!

I do not want to be saved by no limp-wristed,

Fart-catching, rump-ranging fairy boy,

So you can just fly your flesh rocket

To chocolate land for all I care.

Good-bye, xandir p. Whipplebottom!

Wait! Don't hang up!

[dial tone]

Strong, xandir. Strong, xandir.

[doorbell]

Mr. Sir, I work at a real sweatshop in the vietnam.

Your cheap sneakers make us lose low-paid job.

We starving in street.

So what you gonna do about it, chinese?!

Prease, honorable pig demon,

You take gruel from my mouth and mouth of 47 brothers

And one sister.

Oh, yeah? Well, me no carey!

All my life, i've had one purpose:

To be on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend...

Now that i'm gay,

I--I have no purpose.

I--I wish I were dead.

Oh, come on. If you're in a bus station

And they sell postcards from bizarro world,

You have to assume you're in bizarro world, right?

I mean, am I crazy?

Xandir: good-bye, cruel world!

Aah! [electronic whine]

Oh, my god! Xandir!

[electronic beeps]

Whoo, lord, thank god you ain't dead for real, real,

Just for play, play.

Good-bye, cruel world!

Aah!

[electronic beeps]

Good-bye, cruel world!

This could take a while.

[sword unsheathes and pierces flesh]

[electronic beeps]

[slowly] good-bye, cruel world.

Ow.

Xandir spent the entire night killin' hisself.

[sword pierces flesh, electronic beeps]

[sword pierces flesh, electronic beeps]

[sword pierces flesh, electronic beeps]

Ohh...Hah!

[speaking japanese]

Damn it, xandir! The noise!

You're keeping us all awake!

Can't you kill yourself more quietly

Like bizarro captain hero did?!

[rope creaking]

Uh...Yeah. Yeah.

Right, right. Killed himself.

Sure. Tragic.

Sorry. I-I-i'll just be done in a second.

I only have one life left.

Wait. Maybe instead of killing yourself,

You could, you know, just stop being gay?

Clara, that's just stupid.

Homosexuality is something you born with,

Like red hair or a dead twin.

It's not something you could just wish away.

That's it, black girl!

We'll wish the gay away!

All we have to do is find the genie in the lamp.

That's a great idea! Let's do it!

There's only one person

Who knows where the genie's lamp is,

And he is sworn to never reveal its sacred location,

But luckily, I knew his only weakness.

[sniffs]

Ahh...

Aah!

Tell us where the lamp is,

You lousy, lying, piece of shit!

Lamp?! I don't know what you're talking about!

Listen, bitch, tell us where the lamp is

And maybe we talk to the d.A. About extenuating circumstances.

Guys! Guys! Seriously, I don't even know what a lamp is.

Fuck this shit! I'm gonna off this glue-sniffin',

Cocksucker right fuckin' now!

I say then do it, man!

I'll talk! I'll talk!

I--I keep the lamp in my fanny.

I put things in there so I can pull them out for comic effect.

Aah!

[glove snaps]

[squeak and hiss]

Ohh...Ugh!

[horn playing comically]

[ka-ching]

[teeth chattering]

Wooldoor: a little to the left.

A little left!

Bingo!

Bingo.

[whip cracks]

Ling-ling: aiee!

Ohh!

Aiee!

Ohh!

Well, that's the last crate.

Ohh!

The nba's gonna pick up these shoes in an hour.

Yep, i'm gonna be rich, and nothin' can possibly go wrong.

Child: herro again, mr. Sir.

We're going to make you into number 107

Happy family pork special, 3-kind with delicious sauce.

Choice of rice?

Hot napkin?

Oh, yeah, like, i'm real scared

Of a bunch of chinese-eses.

All: separate individuality!

Full mass consciousness!

[roars]

Dang, I forgot asians-es can do that. Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ling-ling, save me!

Use your freaky powers!

Uh-uh.

Aah! [roars]

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh!

Princess clara: I really wanted xandir to get well,

Not only for him, but for all of humanity.

I sure hope i'm doing this correctly.

[as robin williams] hey, hey, i'm groucho marx! What's the secret woid?

Now i'm a wacky sailor! Ah, ga ga ga ga.

Now i'm a cross-dressing nanny,

And now i'm a wacky doctor who cures cancer with laughter

And a big, red nose. Oh!

Jumanji!

Nanu-nanu.

Wow! You're a comic genius!

Tell 'em the rules, man with mustache!

Contestants get one wish and one wish only!

Oh! Ok. [inhales deeply]

I wish not to be gay.

Well, then step right up and--[tires squeal]

What you talkin' 'bout, xandir?

My wish is to no longer be gay

So I can have my old life back.

Ohh, that is without a doubt

The single most offensive wish anyone has ever made...

Next to that stupid make-a-wish kid.

I mean, come on. A trip to the circus? Really!

What? But...

No. Sorry, sweetheart.

You can shove that wish up your gay-hating mangina!

But wait! Genie! Genie!

What's going on?!

Strong, xandir! Strong, xandir!

[sobbing]

I thought I was dead, man,

But suddenly, I remembered the one thing

All asians crave.

Uh, ooh! Honor!

Ling-ling, you want honor!

Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!

Ok, i'll give you honor,

Just kick some chinese-children-giant transformer-thing ass!

¶ ling-ling into battle go ¶

Uhh!

¶ fulfill destiny of the soul ¶

¶ severed skulls of adversary ¶

¶ shove it in the poo-poo hole ¶

¶ all the children sing ¶

Kids: ¶ kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die ¶

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill... ¶

[singing japanese version of "it's your birthday"]

...Play, play.

Why are you so happy?

I was gonna make millions off this nba deal.

Now we got nothin' except a bunch of sweatshop kids.

[ka-ching]

[organ playing in arena]

Being on feet of shaquille o'neal great honor.

That honor not so great.

Lebron james is the future!

I'm so glad we could help our new chinese friends,

And, ling-ling, I haven't forgotten

My promise to you.

[purrs]

Xandir, don't worry.

We'll figure something out.

No, we won't.

I should have killed myself when I had the chance.

You could still kill yourself now.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't kill yourself.

Hey, look, buddy, there's lots of gay reasons to live.

I, myself, enjoy the ballet, crepes, and snerd nurgling for dollars. Ohh...

Wait, you mean, you're a gay, too?

Uh, duh!

Gee, but you're so handsome

And witty and perfectly dreamy.

And you're whiny and self-hating and most likely bi-polar.

You're exactly my type!

Could this be it?

Could this be love?

Gay love?

Say, why don't you come into my lamp,

And I do mean that as a double-entendre. [purrs]

Yes, sir!

Comin' in the lamp! Hubba hubba!

Aah!

Wha ha ha ha ha!

Lord slashdab?!

I will steal this magic lamp

For no particular reason!

Oh!

Wha ha ha ha ha ha!

No! I loved him!

He was my...

My everything!

Yeah, xandir. You'll feel better after you kill yourself.

Kill myself?

No way!

I have to save the genie.

In fact, dare I say it?

I am xandir,

And I am on a never-ending quest to to save my boyfriend!

Did you hear that, clara?

Why, yes.

Ah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Eww, don't touch me.

So xandir finally found new purpose and a new love,

And like all fairy-tale endings,

I'm sure he'll live happily ever after...

Until god casts him into the fiery pits of hell, of course,

But until then, he'll be happy.

That clara is such an asshole.

I love the gays!

Come on. They're adorable.

And calling hair gel "product,"

That's just fancy, that's what that is.

Ha ha ha ha!

What the...

Hello. You're a funny fella.

[sniffs]

What's your name?

[electronic beeps]

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

[child laughing]

¶ ling-ling into battle go ¶

¶ fulfill destiny of the soul ¶

¶ severed skulls of adversary ¶

¶ shove it in the poo-poo hole ¶

¶ all the children sing ¶

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die ¶

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die ¶

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill ¶

¶ die, die, die ¶

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill ¶

¶ die, die, die ¶