Original subtitles

Hmm.

[speaking japanese]

Clara: I never thought it could happen to me,

But it did.

Now usually, I don't listen to women, or my doctor,

But tonight, clara's story was giving me a special feeling

In my lumpy, lumpy testicle.

So there I was in the hot tub

With a real live black girl,

When suddenly, she grabbed me

And forced my soaking wet body up against hers.

I shuddered with desire

As my eager young body melted into hers.

Our excitement steadily built

As her every touch lit up my skin with a passionate fire.

My body shook with tremors of lust

And dripped with anticipation.

Hunger for her--

Damn it! Clara's pissing me off

More than fat-free sour cream!

That little whore won't shut up about that stupid kiss!

Who cares, right?!

Uh-huh-- hey!

Stop listening to that crappy hip-hop music!

I'm talking to you!

Hip-hop? Girl, this is a book on tape.

Clara's story:

How I kissed a black girl,

As read by droopy dog.

Droopy: ...As her buttery, maple pelvis gyrated...

Uhhhhhh!

Someone had to do something

To knock that clueless bitch down a peg!

Pregnant? I'm not pregnant.

That's crazy, toot.

You kissed foxxy, didn't you?

What happens in fairy tales

After the princess has her first kiss, hmm?

She runs away with a sexy one-eyed pirate

Who loves as fiercely as he lives.

Not that fairy tale, toot-for-brains!

The other one!

Well, let's see.

They live happily ever after in a castle

With a couple of...Kids!

Oh, my god! I am pregnant!

[shouting in japanese]

I couldn't sleep a wink the entire night.

I mean, father would never allow me to birth a black woman's child.

I had to ask my dear friend toot for help.

So, you're sure this will work?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, thank you, toot.

I knew I could--aah!

Uhh! Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Uhh!

Well done.

[sniffs]

Darn! You still smell pregnant.

We better try again and again and again.

Oh! You know what room would be perfect for this?

Both: the m.C. Escher room!

Uhh!

Whoa! Aah!

Uhh! Aah! Ouch!

Aah! Aah!

Uhh!

Uh, clara,

Why you let marshmallow

Knock you down the stairs again?

Oh, foxxy, hey.

I'm sorry you have to find out this way,

But, foxxy, i'm pregnant with your love child.

Oh, if I had a child for every time I said that...And I don't.

Thank you, roe v. Wade.

Apparently, toot told clara

Our kiss got her all knocked up.

Poor pitiful-ass clara.

So incredibly gullible,

She'll believe anything you tell her.

Hmm.

He died on the cross for our sins, you say?

Yeah, I can see that.

And then I found out the princess doesn't know a damn thing about sex.

Can you imagine?

I mean, how does she get guys to pay her rent?

Now gather 'round, everybody.

Class is in session.

And if you ain't careful,

You just might learn something.

Now, men and women is very different.

You see, men are born with a special pee-pee.

All: ooh! Wow!

Pee-pee rhymes with t.P.,

Which is what you use to wipe your ass.

And women are born with a vagina...

That I like to call a giggy.

All: oh! Wow!

Giggy rhymes with puppet...

But not very well.

Now, when a man a women love each other very much,

They do a special hug,

Which can feel real nice

Depending on the size of a man's hands

Consensually wrapped around your neck.

During the special hug,

The man places his pee-pee inside the woman's giggy.

Wait. Uhh...Not there.

Ok. A little to-- let me do it.

Ahh.

And that's how two people who love each other very, very much

Make a welfare check-- I mean, baby.

Thanks for helping out, y'all.

Anytime.

Well, i'm off to the track.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Go to your whore!

At least she listens!

So you see, clara,

You can't get pregnant from a kiss.

But--but...

Oh, no!

[crying]

Well, what's wrong now?

You should be happy. You ain't pregnant.

[crying]

No man will ever want to put his pee-pee in my giggy.

Sure, they will.

In fact, when you meet the right guy,

He'll want to put lots of things down there.

No. No, he won't.

My giggy is a horrible, horrible place.

My father used to tell me that, too,

But it is not true.

Your giggy is a beautiful place.

Really?

Is this beautiful?

Aah!

[roar]

Aah!

Aah! [roar]

Hey, what's all the screaming about?

Aah! [roar]

Aah! [roar]

Aah! [roar]

Aah! [roar]

Aah!

Stop screaming! You're scaring it!

It's ok, baby.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.

Who's a good boy?

You're a good boy.

It doesn't like loud noises.

You're probably wondering about my...

Octopussoir.

It's french.

I never shared my story with anyone before.

It's all so--so... Personal.

I told the girls the only way I could get it out

Was through interpretive dance.

[sighs]

[humming]

[humming]

Really?

When you was but a child,

Your evil stepfather put a curse on your vagina?

What? Weren't you paying attention?

My evil stepmother...

Mother placed a curse on me.

Uh, duh!

I never understood why she did it...Until now.

No man will ever want to enjoy the special hug with me.

[crying] she did it so i'd never find my true love.

[crying]

Oh, but, please, please don't tell anybody.

I'm afraid I must ask you guys

To keep my secret with a pinky swear.

I'll pinky swear.

Fine. I pinky swear.

[gravelly voice] I pinky swear.

[knock on door]

Captain hero: hey, clara?

Toot told us you have a monster for a vagina,

And we want to have a house meeting about it.

How is that even possible?

Oopsy-tootsie.

I couldn't help myself.

All: ooh!

[all gasp]

Clara: I was really nervous.

My whole life, I worked so hard to keep my secret a...Secret,

But then everyone was so cool about it.

I mean, it was like a giant weight was lifted off my vagina.

It's so beautiful, so magnificent.

Can I pet it?

Oh, sure.

My octopussoir is a kind and gentle beast.

What the heck?!

They're all like, "cool" and "neat"

And "ooh, what's that smell?"

Uh-uh! I wasn't gonna let that slut

Have something else the guys wanted!

Ah.

You know, clara's octopussoir

Does the cutest thing when I do this...

Aah!

[blows air horn]

[growling]

All: aah!

[car alarm starts]

All: aah!

Jesus! It just ate wooldoor!

Captain hero: whoa! It just ate the cameraman!

Hmm. This vagina sure could use a woman's touch.

[rumbling]

Uh...That's a-no good.

Huh? Huh?

[sighs]

Everything changed when we discovered we were living with a monster.

[thunder and lightning]

Xandir: we lived in a constant state of fear.

[door creaking] all: huh?

All: whew.

We had to be very, very quiet.

The tiniest of noises could have awoken the beast.

Even I had to limit myself to silent-but-deadlies.

[soft hissing]

[snickers]

Shh.

Toot's talking.

And that's the story of the beast

That lived between clara's legs.

Yay. Guys...

Listening...To me... Toot.

Captain hero: toot made us all realize we might not be around much longer.

I felt it important to start writing down my innermost thoughts in a journal.

Here's an excerpt.

"I don't know how much longer I can last in here.

"papa says that when I get out,

"I can have a new dress.

"when will I have my first dance,

My first kiss?"

What are you doing?

These are my dreams! Mine!

Shh!

Everybody freeze.

[growls]

[roars]

[weeps]

Guys, this is no way to live.

I, for one, refuse to just sit around

Waiting to be swallowed whole

By a giant vagina!

Huh?

No, no. Ok. No.

No. It's no way to live.

The pig's right, but what can we do?

[speaking japanese]

Ling-ling's right, damn it!

We must kill the beast!

Kill the beast! Kill the beast!

Misinterpret ling-ling!

They all hate me, foxxy.

They won't even come near me.

It's like i'm some kind of freak.

Don't worry, clara.

These things have a way of working themselves out.

Like that time everybody found out you had a monster vagina between your legs.

Clara, this is always hard to say,

Especially to a friend,

But we're here to kill your vagina.

Don't you guys dare!

Sorry, foxxy, but that monster is dead meat.

Curtains.

Yeah! Nice! Ho-ho!

Poor clara was in hell-a trouble.

So I used all of my mystery-solving know-how

To create a brilliant diversion.

Spanky: what the--?

Where's clara?

Toot: we're confused now.

Oh, ho ho!

We fell for the old neck-sprain-well- lit-pie diversion.

Brava, foxxy. Brava.

[applause]

Spanky: that's why she's the best.

Come on, guys! Clara's getting away!

All: yeah! Ahh!

While clara was being chased by the mob,

It was my responsibility as a mystery-solving musician

To perform a musical number. Hit it!

[sixties-style song playing]

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

¶ in your wizard sleeve ¶

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

¶ some sweet p-t ¶

¶ coochy coochy, gitchy gitchy, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

¶ gotta snatch ya, gonna catch ya yatcha yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

¶ gincha ninja, bearded clam ¶

¶ furry burger, smiley sam ¶

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

¶ oh, yes, sirree ¶

¶ fluffy muffy, stuffy-iffy, yeah, yeah, yeah... ¶

Ah-choo! ¶ I got a fever for the ¶

¶ beaver weaver, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

¶ honey pot, geechy pie ¶

¶ take it to the wild thing ¶

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

¶ in your wizard sleeve ¶

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

[song ends]

Hey! That sounded great!

Good job! Fantastic!

We were really...

Get in here, girl.

We're safe in here... For now.

[pounding on door] [gasps]

[shouting in japanese]

All: push that door! Come on! We're gonna get it!

No! 3po...

3po!

[pounding on door]

[all yelling]

Foxxy: we couldn't hold that door closed much longer.

Foxxy love had to think quick.

All: huh?

There's got to be a way to break this curse.

The only person who knows how is my evil stepmother,

And I can't ask her.

We're in a fight.

Fine. I'll call her on my mirror.

Call evil step-mom.

Ah. Well, well, well.

Look who's finally calling to apologize.

I'm not apologizing! You should apologize!

For what? Trying to make you happy?

You thought marrying my father would make me happy?!

You never gave me a chance!

Why should I?! You're not my mother!

I never said I was!

Then stop pretending to be!

Clara, your mother's dead!

[gasps]

The good lord and your father's drunken carriage driving

Took her away from us,

And there is nothing anyone can do about it.

I miss her.

I miss her so much, it hurts.

I'm sorry.

Me, too, dear. Me, too.

Ok, now that we got that cleared up,

I should probably tell you how to break that pesky little curse.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Do tell me how to break the curse...Mom.

Oh, clara. Thank you.

So I explained to clara that she must find her one true love.

Only after love's first kiss will love take its true form.

That's it! Come on, girl.

Let's break that curse and find your prince charming.

But...How?

Spanky: for the past eleventy weeks,

13 of the world's most eligible bachelors

Have vied for the heart of princess clara.

Hello, boys.

Hi. Nice to meet you. What's shakin' baby?

How you doing? I like the belt.

Spanky: some experienced romance...

Spanky: while others experience rejection.

You wanted to see a broken heart?

Well, here you go!

Why doesn't she love me?

I'm so sad!

Me, too!

Make me feel good.

[weeps]

Make me feel good.

Spanky: and of course, there were dirty dishes.

[horn honks] [yelling in japanese]

Gentlemen, welcome to tonight's elimination ceremony.

If you receive a rose,

Step forward and kiss princess clara...

On the octopussoir.

If your kiss breaks the curse,

Then you are indeed clara's prince charming.

Now I choose.

[tap tap tap]

Bob, please step forward.

[all laugh]

Oh, bob.

[chuckles] i'm the funny one.

Will you accept this rose?

Clara: so I handed out each rose,

And the result was always the same.

[vomiting]

[vomiting]

Clara, gentlemen,

There's only one rose left.

Um, you, kind sir. What is your name?

[spanish accent] I am prince charming from charmingham.

I am here to find my princess.

[sighs]

Prince charming, would you accept this rose?

No, I shall not.

[all gasp]

[gasps]

Prince charming,

Would you accept this rose?

No, I shall not...

Because this rose is for you.

[sighs]

All: ahh!

Now that is textbook charming, huh?

[smooches]

Ooh!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Wow.

That was beautiful.

That was magical. That was...

True love? Again, so charming.

What the--?

I thought the kiss would fix everything.

Aah! Aah!

Princess clara...

What is happening to me?!

Ohh! Aah! Ohh! Aah!

[roars]

Ohh! Aah! Aah!

Don't you see?

This is love's true form.

We're meant for each other,

And only each other.

Look, our genitalia are totally hitting it off.

Both: ¶ bo bo, scee rotten totten ¶

¶ ha ha ha ha, bo bo bo bo ¶

¶ bo bo scee rotten totten ¶

¶ ha ha ha ha ¶

¶ bum bum bum ¶

Freeze!

Uh-uh, you lose.

I know.

[both laughing]

You know, I never believed a monster like me

Could be with a monster like that.

[snorts] I mean, look at me.

I'm a mess. Arr-harr-harr-harr!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

This was not part of the deal!

Look at my penis!

What happened to my [bleep]damn penis?!

I can not live like this.

This is not charming.

What you mean?

Not on the new rug!

[gunshot] ohh! Oh, no!

Oh, god.

I just wanted to make sure this thing worked

Before I blow my charming brains out.

Prince charming, clara,

There's only one bullet left.

[roaring]

Clara, other roommates,

There's only one monster left.

Spanky is right.

How many more people have to die?

We must kill the beast!

Kill the beast! Kill the beast!

[shouting in japanese]

[all shouting at once]

Hey, whoa, wait!

Check it out.

Look at what your octopussoir is doing.

Oh, it's just writing a check to a worthwhile charity.

It does that every month.

Eh, likely story. Kill the beast!

But wait! What's it doing now?

Why, it's helping old miss baker with her groceries.

Is it Monday already?

You think we were born yesterday?

Kill the beast!

[speaking japanese]

That's amazing.

How could we have been so blind?

And to think we wanted to kill the octopussoir.

Clara, we're so sorry.

So, you guys don't hate my vagina?

Oh-ho, of course not!

No. We were just scared of it

Because it was different

And we didn't know the real it.

Oh, yeah. Just like the time

That we were all scared of your monster vagina.

What I tell you?

You know, it's just like my grandfather used to tell me--

It's not what's on the outside of a vagina,

But what's on the inside that counts.

[gurgling]

Aah! Ha! Aah!

Uno, dos-- 1, 2, 3, cuatro!

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

¶ in your wizard sleeve ¶

[child laughing]

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

¶ oh, yes, sirree ¶

¶ fluffy muffy, stuffy-iffy, yeah, yeah, yeah... ¶

¶ I got a fever for the ¶ ah-choo!

¶ beaver weaver, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

¶ honey pot, geechy pie ¶

¶ take it to the wild thing ¶

¶ la la la la, labia ¶

¶ baby, you got something for me ¶

¶ in your wizard sleeve ¶

¶ la la la la, labia ¶