Original subtitles

Announcer: this is the drawn together house,

Where 8 different cartoon characters

From all over the animated universe

Will live together in front of a million cameras.

Introducing princess clara,

A musical and bigoted fairy-tale princess.

Wooldoor sockbat,

A fucking annoying, wacky whatchamacallit.

Foxxy love...

A mystery-solving musician with a sweet ass.

Toot, a black-and-white heartthrob from the '20s.

Plus, she's fat.

Ling-ling,

A sociopathic, asian trading-card battle monster.

Xandir, a totally gay video-game adventurer.

Spanky ham, a crass internet download

Who farts on retards.

Captain hero,

Another person in the house.

This is...

The first-ever animated reality television show, ever.

Princess clara: the minute I met my new housemates,

I felt like they were members of my family,

Only much, much poorer.

Hi. I'm princess--whoo!

I call dibs on the chair.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, what a cute dog. Want a bone, fella?

[speaking japanese]

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die ¶

¶ kill kill... ¶

[mutters]

Whoa.

[cavalry charge plays]

I'm toot. I'm a sex symbol.

I am xandir. I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!

Girlfriend! You have a girlfriend?

When were you gonna tell me about this girlfriend?!

But we just met, like, 2 seconds ago?

Oh, yeah?

Well, can your stupid girlfriend do this?

¶ la la ¶

[charleston playing]

[continues singing badly]

Save yourselves!

[housemates screaming]

So, now do you still... [panting]

[panting] have a...Girlfriend?

Huh?

Um...Yeah.

Why do I always let guys do this to me?!

Ah...

Sometimes I cut myself to relieve the pain.

Hee hee hee. Toot.

I love you so much. Oh, my god, I do!

Shut up. You do not...

Rack 'em, pig.

Hey, dungeons and douche bags, you're up.

Can you believe this kid?

He's been on the phone all day with his old lady.

Dude, I don't blame him.

The talent here is pretty weak, man. I mean,

Sure, i'd stick and stir any one of these broads,

But, you know,

I really wish we had one of those hot black chicks.

Bling bling! Foxxy's in the house.

Oh, i'm pretty good at this.

I wish we had a 12-year-old girl and a donkey.

Damn.

Hi. I'm xandir.

Well, hello.

I'm glad you're finally here.

Would you be a dear and fetch my bags, servant girl?

[all gasp]

Excuse me? What did you just call me? "servant girl"?

Oh, many pardons or...My bad.

What do you people call yourselves these days--

Mammy, moolie, topsy, shwoogie?

Ha ha ha. Oh, my god.

She thinks you're our servant 'cause you're black!

Ha ha ha ha. Oh, man.

This is the best day of my miserable life.

Sweet!

I love racism.

Is you crazy?!

Uh-uh. Lemme loose now.

Why you frontin' my shit, bitch?

You must be twilight zonin'.

You don't even know who you be steppin' to.

Help, someone.

She's attacking me like i'm the english language.

Oh, it is on.

[shouting]

I call dibs on the catfight.

Why must I ruin everything beautiful?

Now, what was that bitch thinkin'?

Foxxy ain't a slave to nobody.

Nobody but the rhythm.

[music plays] ohh. Hey. Ohh...

Ahem. You best stay out of my way, bitch,

Or you gonna be dead.

Aah! Unh!

I thought those people picked banjos, not fights.

I was so up set about what foxxy had done.

I sure hope this comically misleading nose job

Makes me feel better.

Hey! Not bad!

Xandir: after the fight, things got super uncomfortable.

You could, like, totally cut the tension

With, like, a plus-6 sword.

I mean, why is this happening?

We were such good friends to start.

[somber song plays]

Foxxy: it's like this, right?

Because of that dumb princess bitch,

Everybody thought foxxy love was a loose cannon.

Now, foxxy may be loose, but she ain't no cannon.

I needed to make things right, and quick.

Bling bling.

12-year-old girl and a donkey?! Damn.

Crap the bed, uncle fred.

Foxxy's got us a buttload of booze. Yeah.

Hells, yeah.

Whoo, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, pig, great news.

Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol.

Are you defecating into a cantaloupe?

[farting]

This is awkward.

I guess if I just waited an hour,

I could've chalked this one up to the booze, huh?

Hey, listen, let's not live in the past, all right?

Come on, guys, let's party. Whoo-hoo!

[rap song] ¶ here we go ¶

¶ this is how we do it ¶

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Smells like mommy's kisses.

Suck! Suck! Suck...

Hee hee. Toot.

[laughter]

She did not-- she did not just do that.

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

This is the life.

[farts]

Spanky! Spanky, you farted!

Spanky: gambled and won. Ha!

Clara: I was trying to enjoy myself,

But I sorta got the feeling I wasn't wanted.

But I wasn't sure, because foxxy's hand got all blurry.

I mean, she may have been waving

Or going like this...

Or like this...

Or like this.

Oh.

Oh, xandir, I sure hope you don't push me in,

'cause i'm really, really close to the edge.

So close, in fact, you could easily push me in.

Ok, maybe it was just me. That's definitely a possibility,

But I don't know. All night,

It kind of seemed like toot

Was on a really annoying crush for attention.

Hey, xandir, got any beads?

I'm standing under the mistletoe!

I swear to fucking god, i'll chop my fucking head off!

[pffft]

Would you just put in me, already?

Even if you just need a place to pee!

I, uh, am on a never-ending quest...

[muffled]

[cries]

I knew what xandir was trying to tell me--

That I was fat

And guys aren't into real women anymore.

I was so mad. I guess that's why I did what I did.

[ring]

What? This is who? Xandir's girlfriend?

Are you sure?

Because xandir's never mentioned anything about a girlfriend.

I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend.

Girlfriend. Girlfriend.

[muffled] girlfriend.

And we talk all the time

About everything.

Oh, hey, ok.

Ooh, right on the bum.

[sobs]

¶ tra la la la la la ¶

[sobbing]

I saw princess clara with tears in her eyes,

And, man, nothin' reminds me of my first time

Like a chick cryin'.

Aw, poor hot girl. What's wrong?

Unless I was completely mistaken,

Spanky ham seemed like the kind of person

I could open up to,

So we found a private room in the house

Where we could have a serious talk.

[sobs] oh, why does foxxy hate me so?

It's not like i'm the one who made her black.

No, no, no. That's nobody's fault but her own.

You know what you should do?

Apologize?

If that'll get you out of that robe

So I can check out that precious vertical smile of yours.

I don't see why I should apologize.

I mean, where I come from, all my servants are black...

Or worse.

Yeah, but, honey, where you're from,

Inanimate objects spring to life

And spew silly catch phrases.

What you talkin' about, pig?

No. He's right, blue ball. Maybe I should just apologize.

Usually, clara looks to us for advice,

But this time, it came from spanky.

It's a good thing, too, because I was gonna tell her to shoot the president.

[gunshot]

I gave him a li'l somethin' somethin'.

Foxxy, I want to apologize.

Aw.

You can apologize...

By shuttin' the fuck up.

I don't blame you for being mad, foxxy.

After all, your people do have terrible tempers.

Oh, this is one messed-up apology,

And the bitch just kept on goin'...

It must be so frustrating that you're not as buoyant as regular people.

And goin'...

Heck, 2 separate water fountains

Just means shorter lines for everybody.

And then she said somethin' that explained it all.

And father always made us cut up those plastic six-pack holders

So they wouldn't get lodged in your people's blowholes.

Father is so wise.

Blowholes? You hear that, america?

Blowholes.

Oh, I can't be mad at clara.

She's just a idiot

Who's been listenin' to her bigoted papa for way too long.

It's not her fault.

Girl, foxxy love

Is gonna teach you how to open up your mind...

And your mouth.

Oh, my god.

Clara: ¶ what is this thing in my mouth? ¶

¶ it's slippery... And it's slimy ¶

¶ traveling down my slender virgin pink esophagus ¶

¶ some black chick's tongue ¶

[boing] ¶ it's such a new sensation ¶

¶ I got a mayonnaise mama ¶

¶ on my lickin' hole ¶

¶ and we've only just begun ¶

¶ it's really quite thrilling ¶

¶ that's right, now you know ¶

¶ I think I taste a filling ¶

¶ and it's solid gold ¶

¶ I never dreamed I would be so willing ¶

¶ to let myself go ¶

¶ tell me about it ¶

¶ i'm totally frenchin' a racist 'ho ¶

Both: ¶ this black chick's tongue ¶

Clara: ¶ what a wonderful feeling ¶

¶ damn, where'd this bitch get her earrings? ¶

¶ i've never had so much fun ¶

Both: ¶ as with this black chick's tongue ¶

¶ how cool is this? ¶

¶ we've only been here a day ¶

¶ and I already find myself ¶

¶ in a 3-way ¶

This is nice.

[giggling and chattering indistinctly]

[sighs]

[exhaling from blowhole]

Ohh! I'm trapped inside a fart bubble!

I'm free! Ha ha!

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!

Uh...Wait!

My immune system!

I'm not strong enough to live outside the bubble!

Aaah-ha!

Morning, toot.

I--i'm on a never-ending--

...Ending quest to save your girlfriend.

Blah, blah, blah. We know.

Hey...Did you get my message?

No. What message?

Oh...That's right--

I didn't leave you one.

Last night, your girlfriend called.

She did?! Oh, my god!

Wait. Ok. What did she say?

Yeah, something about knowing her exact location

And needing you to save her.

What?! But... Why didn't you get me?!

Oh, it was no biggie. I told her you were busy

Hot-tubbing with a couple of emaciated lesbos.

So she said not to call back...Ever!

I'm making coffee. You want?

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! [hyperventilating]

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

I was, like... Who was that?

Was that me?

It was! And guess what?

I liked it!

So, fine. If I can't be the sex symbol,

I can definitely be the...Bitch!

Man: oh...Yeah!

[humming a romantic tune]

So, how was your night, princess?

¶ ah ¶

Oh...It was magical.

You think what happened last night was magical?

I mean, maybe it would be magical

If you were violated by a magician.

[gasps]

But foxxy's not a magician, now, is she?

Violated? But I thought...

It's not your fault.

It's not completely your fault.

[squirting]

I was violated!

I want foxxy love gone!

[indistinct]

Hmm. I don't know if a tequila brunch would help.

I guess it's worth a try.

[brass band plays la cucaracha]

That was a terrible idea!

I was totally violated...Again!

I want foxxy love gone!

You shittin' me.

She claimin' I violated her? Against her will?

I never met anybody who don't want to kiss foxxy.

Except...Maybe papa.

And now the producers are asking us to vote.

Say what?!

On whether or not we feel safe

Keeping you in the house.

Say where?!

This is some f'd-up s! I am so mad!

I've been stuck like this for 3 hours.

You know this vote is total crap.

She was totally into it.

You saw us tongue-bangin'.

Sorry, foxxy... But if I vote you out now,

I'll be one step closer to the million dollars.

Million dollars?

You know this ain't one of them kind of shows, right?

Ain't no prizes.

Ah, silly foxxy.

She'll never win the million dollars

With that attitude.

Sorry, babe. I'm just worki'' the angles...

And these guns.

Fine, vote me off.

They'll just replace me with some other minority.

Probably a mexican. I hope you like beans and illegal relatives

Hidin' in every drawer, asshole!

Yo. Gaystation two.

You're votin' foxxy out, right?

I'm not stickin' around to vote. Ok?

I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend...

And she's in trouble!

You know, from the second that kid set foot in this house,

All he's been saying is,

[mockingly] "i'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend."

Where are all the paper towels?

Oh, no! I think my watch is broken.

Grapes are fun. [chuckles]

Dicks.

Dude, you are so whipped.

How many lives have you spent on this "girlfriend," anyway?

8 million, 293 thousand, 506,

Not counting quad-forces and power-ups.

Yeah, well, if you ask me,

She keeps getting kidnapped on purpose.

I see it all the time. Chicks just want me

To swoop in, fondle 'em, and save 'em.

'course, by the time I get there,

They're totally fine or already dead.

Either way, there'll be some serious fondling.

Could the studly hero be right?

Was she...Just... Trying to control me?

Sorry, but I don't think so.

Now, excuse me, but...

[tearfully] I am on...

A never-ending quest...

To save my girlfriend!

[sniffles]

Now, good-bye!

¶

[people yelling]

3 days after the killer tornado hit,

And it's still chaos out here,

Some 300 homes decimated.

You can understand that after the first couple of days

It was difficult to tell who lived where

And what happened to everyone.

[suspenseful music plays]

[weeping]

[speaking japanese]

Don't worry, ling-ling. Things will be so much better

After we vote that foxxy love out of the house.

Really, ling-ling?

I never thought of it that way.

Could that thing be right?

Was my father actually a racist bastard?

And was I really sounding like him?

But, ling-ling...

Unhh! All my life father has taught me

That black people are--

Well, that is true.

I did come here to experience new things.

So I really ought to keep an open mind.

Thanks, little friend.

Now I need to go stop this vote!

Oh, mitsubishi.

Uhh! Get off the bed, ling-ling!

[ding ding ding]

[shouting]

What the toot?!

Aaahhh!

Waahh!

Aah! Aah, aah, aah!

¶ kill! Kill! Kill! ¶

Spanky: so, anyway, we gathered in the living room

To vote, and to be honest,

I was totally lookin' forward

To voting that hot black chick out.

Oh, wait a minute. Not voting.

I mean eating!

Hey, kid, you're back.

[mockingly] I thought you had to save your girlfriend.

I was. But then I--

I thought about what you said, captain hero,

About her controlling me...

And I realized...

No.

Not this time.

Not...This...Time.

Wait! I have something I need to say.

I know I was the one who wanted foxxy out of the house,

But that is no longer the case.

This bitch flip-flops more than the footwear of the same name.

I realize I have unfairly judged foxxy's actions

Through glasses made of hate and racial insensitivity.

But now, thanks to ling-ling's help,

I am taking off those glasses

And putting in colored contacts of tolerance and understanding.

I now see foxxy for who she truly is--

A strong woman, a human being,

And most importantly, a friend. A black friend.

And I think we all benefit from keeping foxxy.

So, who's with me? Do I hear one vote? One vote to keep her?

Come on, guys, she's a good, hard worker.

She's healthy, and she's got a strong load-bearing back.

Mmm? I got one. I got one vote.

Do I hear 2? Do I hear 2 votes?

Check out these strong pink gums.

She obviously comes from good stock. Do I hear 2?

Oh, I got 2. Do I hear 3? 3 votes to keep--

What do you people call yourselves, again?

Oh, it's on, bitch.

[indistinct yelling and shouting]

[shouting and yelling]

Foxxy, sweetly: oh, wait a minute, now.

What you got? Princess: mmm...

Yeah! Mmm.

[kissing] mmm. Mmm.

[loud punch]

Get a little bossy, now.

Yeah, that felt good.

Just a appetizer, girl.

Announcer: this year on drawn together...

Xandir: we're all gonna die!

[thunder] aah!

[shouting in japanese]

Give me your hand!

Give me the ring!

I am god.

I said i'm on the phone!

Ohh!

You guys disgust me.

Rrreow!

I'm so fat! Aah!

Better go pack! Hee hee!

Xandir: that big-mouth tranny

Is gonna tell my girlfriend i'm out!

She already knows.

Spanky: did you sleep with her?!

It's not what you think!

Are you as turned on as I am?

What?! I am so sorry!

[gunshot]

Spanky: that's a good oriental.

Now make a hundred more!

Hmm.

Great googly moogly!

The horror!

I'm with you, jesus.

Oh!

Foxxy! What's the matter?

I am pregnant!

[shower running]

[sobbing]

[crunch]

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--