Original subtitles

Rex: IN A WORLD HE NEVER

CHOSE AND BARELY UNDERSTANDS,

ONE INCREDIBLY GOOD-LOOKING

GUY FIGHTS FOR US ALL!

HIS NAME?

YOU KNOW IT, BABY.

[ DING! ]

REX!

FORGET TRAIN WRECKS AND CAR

WRECKS.

NOTHING BRINGS THE PAIN LIKE

NOTHING BRINGS THE PAIN LIKE THIS REX!

THIS REX!

THIS REX! HYAH! UNH!

HYAH! UNH!

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S HILARIOUS,

KID.

Noah: UH, ANY TIME YOU WANT

TO STOP TRYING TO GET ME FIRED

AND BACK TO THE TOUR.

Rex: SORRY.

GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT.

GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT. UH, DUDE?

UH, DUDE?

♪ SO MAKE WAY TO START THE

REVOLUTION ♪

♪ MAKE WAY

♪ WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN TONIGHT

♪ MAKE WAY TO START THE

REVOLUTION ♪

♪ SO MAKE WAY

♪ SO MAKE WAY TO START THE

REVOLUTION ♪

♪ MAKE WAY TO START THE

REVOLUTION ♪

REVOLUTION ♪ ♪ SO MAKE WAY

♪ SO MAKE WAY

Noah: AND ON YOUR LEFT, THE

SOUND STAGE WHERE THEY MAKE THE

HIT TV SHOW

"MIDDLE SCHOOL TALENT SHOW."

[ GASPING, SCREAMING ]

IT'S A CLOSED SET!

COME ON!

THIS IS MY FIRST WEEK AS A PAGE!

I COULD LOSE MY JOB!

I COULD LOSE MY JOB! Rex: I GOT THIS.

Rex: I GOT THIS.

I JUST DON'T GET GIRLS.

HOW CAN THEY GET SO--

[ SHUDDERED BREATHING, GASPS ]

OH! "EL AMOR DE LA PASIóN DEL

AMOR"?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

E.A.D.L.P.D.A. WAS MADE HERE?!

Noah: UH, PROBABLY BECAUSE I

DIDN'T REALLY BELIEVE YOU

ACTUALLY STILL WATCH A SOAP

OPERA.

OPERA. Rex: IT'S A TELENOVELA.

Rex: IT'S A TELENOVELA.

THE ACTRESSES ARE SMOKING HOT!

AND I DON'T HAVE CABLE!

AND...

AW, COME ON, DUDE!

DON'T BE A HATER.

Noah: WHATEVER.

WE'RE NOT GOING IN THERE.

THEY GET LIKE 10 SAFETY

VIOLATIONS A WEEK.

NO ONE'S ALLOWED IN EXCEPT CREW

AND STUDIO STAFF.

Rex: YOU MEAN LIKE PAGES?

Noah: NO WAY!

MY BOSS IS A TOTAL BUTT-BUSTER

FOR THE RULES.

AND SHE IS ALWAYS WATCHING.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, BUB!

BY THE WAY, PAGE, YOU LOSE

SOMETHING?

FOUND THESE WANDERING OVER BY

"MIDDLE SCHOOL TALENT SHOW."

[ GIRLS LAUGHING ]

I GOT MY ONE GOOD EYE ON YOU,

NIXON.

[ CRYING ]

PENSABAS QUE YO ERA TU

MARIDO.

iPERO FUE UNA MENTIRA!

iPERO LA VERDAD ES QUE SOY

REYMUNDO, EL HERMANO DIABóLICO

DE REYNALDO!

DE REYNALDO! iLO Sé, PERO TODAVíA TE AMO!

iLO Sé, PERO TODAVíA TE AMO!

Rex: HOW CAN ANYONE SAY

Rex: HOW CAN ANYONE SAY THAT'S NOT GREAT?

THAT'S NOT GREAT?

WHOA!

CELEBRITIES KNOW YOU?

Noah: THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO

EVEN KNOWS MY NAME IS MY BOSS.

I'M JUST A NEWB ON AN

INTERNSHIP.

PSHOO!

Rex: YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU JUST GOT A FINGER GUN FROM

TV WEATHER LADY

SUMMER SONNENSHINE!

IT'S THE PAGE JACKET, NOT ME.

YOU PUT THIS THING ON, EVERYONE

WOULD THINK YOU WORK HERE.

STILL, I GOT TO ADMIT, IT'S

PRETTY COOL.

Rex: YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EVEN

KNOW YOU'D APPLIED FOR THIS.

BUT I GUESS WHEN YOU JUMP AHEAD

IN TIME, YOU GOT TO EXPECT SOME

SURPRISES--

OH, MY GOSH!

[ DISHES CRASH ]

IT'S ISABELLA, FROM

"EL AMOR DE LA PASIóN DEL AMOR!"

Noah: AAH!

Rex: I KNOW!

SHE'S EVEN HOTTER IN REAL LIFE

THAN SHE IS ON THE--

Noah: OHH!

Rex: OKAY, OKAY!

DON'T WORRY.

YOU CALL YOURSELF A PAGE?!

Rex: OKAY, WORRY.

Noah: THIS IS A HUGE

VIOLATION OF THE DRESS CODE!

OH, I AM SO FIRED.

Rex: NO, YOU'RE NOT.

COME ON-- MOVE!

Noah: I'VE GOT TO LEAD

ANOTHER TOUR IN 45 MINUTES!

WE CAN'T GET TO A DRY-CLEANERS

AND BACK IN 45 MINUTES!

Rex: THIS IS MY BAD, BUT I

CAN FIX THIS.

WE JUST HAVE TO CALM DOWN AND

THINK.

THINK. JUST CALM DOWN. NOAH, CALM DOWN!

JUST CALM DOWN. NOAH, CALM DOWN!

Noah: UGH! PUH!

NOT HELPING.

Rex: OKAY, LISTEN-- WE

PASSED THE WARDROBE DEPARTMENT

ON THE TOUR.

THEY'VE GOT TO HAVE A WASHER AND

DRYER, RIGHT?

Noah: UH...YEAH, I GUESS.

Rex: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

GIVE ME YOUR OUTFIT AND STAY

PUT.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING

I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING ELSE.

ELSE.

HMM.

HMM. HMM.

HMM.

HMM. YOU!

YOU!

Rex: UH...

FINALLY, YOU ARE HERE!

FINALLY, YOU ARE HERE! MWAH! MWAH!

MWAH! MWAH!

MWAH! MWAH! MWAH! MWAH!

MWAH! MWAH! MWAH!

Rex: THIS IS HAPPENING,

RIGHT?

I'M NOT GONNA WAKE UP AND BE

MAKING OUT WITH MY PILLOW AGAIN,

AM I?

COME WITH ME.

THEY WANT TO CANCEL US, YOU

KNOW.

THAT'S WHY THE STUDIO PUTS US

HERE IN THIS PLACE, FALLING

APART WITH ALL THE ACCIDENTES.

Rex: SOAP OPERAS DO NOT GET

THE RESPECT THEY DESERVE.

YOU ARE VERY WISE FOR YOUR

AGE.

WE DON'T EVEN GO BACKSTAGE

ANYMORE.

TOO DANGEROUS.

[ SQUEAKING ]

IS THAT A PAGE?

IS THAT A PAGE? Rex: [ GASPS ]

Rex: [ GASPS ]

[ MOANS ]

HE IS MINE!

I SAW HIM FIRST!

HE IS MINE!

Rex: HUH?

WHY DON'T WE LET HIM DECIDE?

OH, YOU WOULD LIKE THAT,

WOULDN'T YOU?!

YES, I WOULD-- VERY MUCH!

FINE!

[ BOTH GRUNT ]

Rex: DID THEY JUST...CATFIGHT

OVER ME?

HERE IS MY LIST OF WHAT I

NEED YOU TO DO.

AND HERE IS MINE!

Rex: YOU WANT ME TO WORK...

ON THE SHOW?

CLARO QUE Sí!

WE HAVEN'T HAD A PAGE ON SET IN

AGES.

AGES. Rex: BUT I'M NOT...

Rex: BUT I'M NOT...

...ABLE TO THINK OF ONE REASON

...ABLE TO THINK OF ONE REASON WHY I WOULD PASS THIS UP!

WHY I WOULD PASS THIS UP!

WHY I WOULD PASS THIS UP! Noah: [ GASPS ]

Noah: [ GASPS ]

[ SHUDDERING ]

Rex: I GOT YOUR YOGURT.

BUT I COULDN'T FIND THE WATER

YOU WANTED, SO I GOT THESE.

[ GROWLS ]

YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!

YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! BUT I WILL TAKE THIS ONE.

BUT I WILL TAKE THIS ONE.

Rex: WHOA!

IT'S...REYNALDO!

[ BIRD SCREECHES ]

UH...

UH, C-COFFEE?

GRACIAS.

Rex: LECHE?

HOW DARE YOU?!

I AM...

LACTOSE-INTOLERANT.

Rex: UH, OKAY.

DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SUGAR?

[ GASPS ]

REAL MEN TAKE THEIR COFFEE

STRONG AND HOT.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT I AM

NOT A REAL MAN?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

Noah: Rex, where are you?

NO PHONE!

YOU WILL TALK TO ME, FACE TO

FACE, MANO A MANO!

Rex: HEY, WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU--

OH. THANKS.

ANOTHER ACCIDENTE!

AY, DIOS MíO!

NO!

Rex: IT'S OKAY.

I'M FINE.

I'M FINE. UNH!

UNH!

MY YOGURT!

Rex: I'D HATE TO BE THE GUY

THAT HAS TO CLEAN THAT UP.

OH.

IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, I'D

SAY SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO KILL

US.

SOMEONE IS.

THE HEAD OF THE STUDIO IS TRYING

TO KILL OUR SOAP OPERA.

THAT'S WHY HE PUT US IN THIS

ACCURSED STAGE, WITH ALL THESE

ACCIDENTES.

BUT WE--

AAH!

¿POR QUé?

AY.

[ BODY THUDS ]

[ BODY THUDS ] [ SQUEAKS ]

[ SQUEAKS ]

[ CREAKING ]

[ CREAKING ] [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

UGH! CLOWNS.

UGH! CLOWNS. [ SQUEAKING ]

[ SQUEAKING ]

Rex: LET ME GUESS-- YOU'RE

THE ONE WHO'S BEEN CAUSING ALL

THE ACCIDENTS.

[ SCREECHING]

Rex: OKAY, WHAT SAY WE WRAP

THIS UP QUIETLY?

LAST THING I NEED IS SOMEONE

WONDERING WHY THE GUY IN THE

WONDERING WHY THE GUY IN THE PAGE JACKET CAN DO THIS.

PAGE JACKET CAN DO THIS.

[ ROARS ]

[ SQUEAKING ]

Rex: GUESS THAT EXPLAINS HOW

YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO HIDE OUT

YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO HIDE OUT BACK HERE.

BACK HERE.

[ SQUEAKING ]

Rex: CAN WE PLEASE DO THIS A

LITTLE MORE QUIETLY AND WITH A

LOT LESS "YOU TRYING TO KILL

ME"?

WAIT.

THAT'S YOU, ISN'T IT?

YOU JUST WANT YOUR JOB BACK.

YOU JUST WANT YOUR JOB BACK. I CAN HELP YOU.

I CAN HELP YOU.

ENOUGH WITH THE BOOBY TRAPS!

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU! [ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTING ] UH-OH.

UH-OH.

[ RUMBLING ]

WHAT'S GOING ON BACK THERE?

AND WHERE IS THAT PAGE?

I AM BEGINNING TO WONDER...

HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO TAKE FOR

HIM TO CLEAN UP MY YOGURT!

Rex: AAH! OHH!

[ PANTING ]

UNH!

[ CLONG! ]

UGH!

OUCH.

[ GRUNTS ]

UNH!

UNH! UNH!

OHH!

UNH!

UNH! AAH!

AAH!

OKAY, NEW PLAN-- FIRST, I SMASH

YOUR FACE.

YOUR FACE. THEN I CURE YOU.

THEN I CURE YOU.

NO!

[ SQUEAKING ]

Rex: OW!

LOOK OUT!

UNH!

[ GROANS ]

OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL-- ALL THE

ACCIDENTS YOU'VE BEEN HAVING,

THEY WERE CAUSED BY AN EVO

BACKSTAGE.

IT USED TO BE A MONGOOSE, AND

NOW IT WANTS ITS OLD JOB BACK.

[ CRASHING ]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE JUST SAW YOU RUIN OUR SET!

YOU ARE TRYING TO DESTROY

THIS SOAP OPERA, JUST LIKE THE

REST OF THEM!

IT IS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY-- THIS

SOUNDSTAGE MUST BE CURSED FOR US

TO HAVE SUCH A HORRIBLE PAGE AS

YOU, SEÑOR...

NOAH NIXON.

Rex: WHOA! WAIT!

THIS ISN'T NOAH'S FAULT.

[ BOTH GASP ]

NOW YOU INSULT US BY TALKING

ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD

PERSON!

SOMEHOW, WE MUST REBUILD AND

FINISH OUR SHOOT.

BUT AS SOON AS WE DO,

NOAH NIXON, I WILL HAVE YOU

NOAH NIXON, I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED!

FIRED!

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

Noah: Rex! Finally!

How's the jacket?

Rex: UH, WELL, THE GOOD NEWS

IS YOU WON'T NOTICE THE STAIN

ANYMORE.

HEY, UH, BY THE WAY...

YOUR PAGE TRAINING-- DID IT

INCLUDE ANYTHING ABOUT THE

CREEPY BACKSTAGE IN STUDIO B?

Noah: WHAT?!

WHY ARE YOU--

Rex: NO REASON!

I WAS JUST THINKING,

HYPOTHETICALLY, WHAT WOULD

HAPPEN IF I USED YOUR JACKET TO

TAKE A QUICK PEEK AT THE

TELENOVELA AND ENDED UP CHASING

SOME KIND OF KILLER EVO

MONGOOSE?

HYPOTHETICALLY.

UH...NOAH?

Noah: SORRY.

JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW

TO TELL MY PARENTS I HAVE NO

FUTURE.

Rex: HEY, I GOT THIS.

I HIT A LITTLE SNAG.

JUST KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.

Noah: HEH!

Rex: SORRY.

LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO

WORRY ABOUT.

ALL I GOT TO DO IS CATCH THE EVO

BEFORE THEY FINISH SHOOTING AND

CLEAR MY-- YOUR-- NAME.

Noah: YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT WORRIED.

I'M COMPLETELY RESIGNED TO THE

FACT THAT I AM LOSING MY JOB.

FACT THAT I AM LOSING MY JOB. [ Dial tone ]

[ Dial tone ]

YOU ARE BLEEDING!

WHAT I AM IS AN ACTOR!

WE MUST SHOOT THIS SCENE.

WE MUST SHOOT THIS SCENE. WE CANNOT LET THEM CANCEL US.

WE CANNOT LET THEM CANCEL US.

[ MOANS ]

YOU CANNOT GO ON.

IF ONLY THERE WERE SOMEONE

ELSE HERE WHO KNOWS OUR SHOW, IS

FLUENT IN SPANISH, AND WOULD DO

A SCENE IN WHICH HE KISSES ME.

Rex: I'LL DO IT!

YOU?!

THE ONE WHO RUINED OUR SET AND

LIED ABOUT THE EVO?!

I'D RATHER DIE!

BUT THEN, MY LIFE WILL SURELY

END IF THE SHOW IS CANCELED, SO

MAYBE--

BUT NO!

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

AND YET, WHAT IS MORE IMPOSSIBLE

THAN A DREAM?

AND NOTHING MEANS MORE THAN MY

DREAM OF SAVING THIS TELENOVELA!

Rex: SO, IS THAT A...?

Sí.

YOU WILL BE OUR SAVIOR!

AND THEN I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED.

AND THEN I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED. iACCIóN!

iACCIóN!

Rex: HUH?

[ GASPS ]

[ SQUEAKING ]

Rex: [ Thinking ] OKAY, NO

KISS, BUT YOU'RE GONNA SAVE

NOAH'S JOB!

[ GROANS ]

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

NOPE, DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY

BETTER.

BETTER. [ GASPS ]

[ GASPS ]

Rex: [ GRUNTS ]

Rex: [ GRUNTS ] UGH!

UGH!

WHERE'D YOU GO?

YOU-- PAGE!

TAKE THIS SCRIPT TO POST,

PRONTO!

Rex: WAIT, I-I'M NOT--

OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT?!

ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME,

MR. NIXON?

Rex: UH, NO. NO!

MR. NIXON IS DEFINITELY NOT

TALKING BACK TO WHOEVER YOU ARE!

TALKING BACK TO WHOEVER YOU ARE! NIXON!

NIXON!

NIXON! [ MUNCHING ]

[ MUNCHING ]

[ SQUEAKING ]

Rex: NOT SO TOUGH WHEN YOU

Rex: NOT SO TOUGH WHEN YOU CAN'T HIDE, ARE YOU?

CAN'T HIDE, ARE YOU?

OH. SO, YOU CAN DO THAT, TOO.

[ ROARS ]

AAH!

Rex: HEY! WATCH THE JACKET!

Rex: HEY! WATCH THE JACKET! I'M IN ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY!

I'M IN ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY!

I'M IN ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY! [ ROARS ]

[ ROARS ]

Rex: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

UNH!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

YOU STILL HAVEN'T DELIVERED THAT

SCRIPT?!

SCRIPT?! NIXON!

NIXON!

[ SQUEAKING ]

Rex: UNH!

HEY! GIVE ME THAT!

HEY! GIVE ME THAT! HYAH!

HYAH!

SORRY!

UNH!

WH-O-O-O-O-OA!

WH-O-O-O-O-OA! [ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

I THINK THIS IS FOR YOU.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

Noah: Did you catch it?

Rex: NOT YET, BUT I DELIVERED

A SCRIPT FOR YOU.

WELL, MOST OF IT.

Noah: I am so dead.

OH, NOAH NIXON, YOU'RE RIGHT

OH, NOAH NIXON, YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME FOR YOUR 2:00 P.M. TOUR.

ON TIME FOR YOUR 2:00 P.M. TOUR.

Rex: UH, THERE'S A BUILDING

WHERE SOME TV SHOWS ARE MADE,

AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

AND-- OH, GREAT!

AND-- OH, GREAT! HERE'S THE GIANT KILLER EVO!

HERE'S THE GIANT KILLER EVO!

AAH!

AAAAH!

[ SCOFFS ]

THEY HAD BETTER SPECIAL EFFECTS

AT MY KID'S SCHOOL PLAY.

I NEED A BIGGER REACTION FROM

YOU.

BIGGER!

AAAAAAAH!

YES!

THAT'S IT EXACTLY!

[ GROWLING ]

Rex: BE CAREFUL, OR YOU'RE

Rex: BE CAREFUL, OR YOU'RE GONNA GET THE HAND.

GONNA GET THE HAND.

GONNA GET THE HAND. THAT'S NOT THE HAND I MEANT.

THAT'S NOT THE HAND I MEANT.

YOU ARE A GOOD PAGE,

NOAH NIXON.

NOAH NIXON. [ SQUEAKING ]

[ SQUEAKING ]

[ SQUEAKING ] Noah: OH! MY JACKET!

Noah: OH! MY JACKET!

AAH!

I'VE GOTTEN A DOZEN CALLS

FROM ALL OVER THE LOT ABOUT YOU,

NIXON.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.

THINKING.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, KIDDO!

IT TOOK ME 67 YEARS TO MAKE

CHIEF PAGE.

I BET YOU'LL GET THE JOB IN

HALF THAT TIME.

OH, AND THEM SOAP-OPERA

FELLAS-- THEY GOT A SPECIAL

FELLAS-- THEY GOT A SPECIAL REWARD FOR YOU.

REWARD FOR YOU.

AND CUT!

YOU LOOK DIFERENTE THAN YOU DID

YOU LOOK DIFERENTE THAN YOU DID BEFORE, NOAH NIXON.

BEFORE, NOAH NIXON.

I CAN SEE YOU'VE BEEN TO MAKEUP.

GOOD!

YOU FINALLY LOOK LIKE A REAL

MAN!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

Rex: IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

YOU-- QUIT TALKING TO

YOURSELF AND GET ME SOME COFFEE!

NIXON!

NIXON! [ SQUEAKS ]