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-So, what do you think? -Oh, definitely first date.

That's what l was thinking.

He's doing all the talking, she's listening. That'll change.

Oh, isn't that cute?

He's got spinach in his teeth and she's trying not to notice.

Popeye.

That's okay. We don't need flowers. We're married.

There's an emergency over there, though.

You ever feel you missed out on anything by our not dating before we got married?

You mean other than flowers?

-You want a flower? -Not now.

Come on, do you feel like you missed anything?

You mean all the nervousness?

''Boy, l hope he likes me. '' ''Oh, should l wait for him to call me?''

''God, l hope those are keys in his pocket he keeps playing with. ''

So-- So that's a no?

-Oh, but you missed it, didn't you? -Oh, l don't know.

-You kinda wanted to chase me a little. -Yeah, maybe.

But it's moot. You can't go back and date somebody you're already married to.

-No, you can't. -Nope.

So you're a lawyer, huh?

What are you talking about?

Do you really like long walks on the beach, or did you just say it in your ad?

-My ad? -Remember in the personals?

''Fussy but cute U.S. attorney seeks companion. . .

. . .for long walks on the beach in a verdict of true love. No smokers, no fatties. ''

Oh, that ad, and you answered it.

Because l just quit smoking and lost 200 pounds.

You certainly look great.

Thanks. But l'm warning you l could balloon up at any time.

Excuse me. Could we have more bread, please? And butter. Lots, lots of butter.

So tell me about your ex-girlfriend. Who dumped who?

Well, she was a really nice person. . .

. . .but l knew deep in my heart that she really wasn't the right one.

You're not gay, trying to go straight, are you?

l can't go through that again. Three times, shame on me.

No, l'm not gay but l'm--

-l'm not afraid to cry. -Oh, good, l've never dated a crybaby.

Two hundred pounds. You must have really loose skin.

l do have to wear a T-shirt when l work with power tools.

-So where are you from, Gary? -No, that's Greg.

Really? God, you seem like a Gary to me. Can l call you Gary?

You can call me anything you want. Just call me.

Smarmy.

Hope you guys are doing better than we are.

-Can l get a rose for my date, please? -Where is that bread?

-So this is where your parents live, huh? -Yup.

Gee, l sure hope they like me.

Oh, you know, l think it's just a little too soon for you to meet my folks.

-What do you mean? -l just mean let's not rush things.

l had a great time tonight. Thank you.

Dharma.

Call me.

-Yeah, well, l had a good time too. -l told my mother all about you.

-Really? What'd you say? -l told her you have a cute butt.

-You told that to your mother? -She has a cute butt too.

So you'll have something to talk about when you meet her.

l'm a little surprised you still live with your parents.

Well, l'm kind of old-fashioned.

l figure l'll live here until l meet the man who wins my heart.

I see.

So you're gonna continue to live with your parents. . .

. . .until Mr. Right sweeps you off your feet.

Yep.

Boy, l hope l've got a shot.

Oh, you've got just as good a shot as the next guy.

What next guy?

There's a cutie at my Jenny Craig meetings. . .

. . .who asks me out for a sensible dinner.

lf you go out with this cutie tonight. . .

. . .l'll buy you a quarter pounder with extra cheese.

Tonight? l don't know.

l was going to go to the arcade with my parents and play Whac-A-Mole.

Oh, come on. Ditch your folks. l have to see you again.

Okay, great. Great. l'll pick you up at 7.

Okay, bye. No, no, you hang up first.

No, you.

Okay, on three. One, two, three.

Well, you didn't hang up either.

Okay. One. . .

. . .two.

What the hell are you doing?

lt's a little embarrassing. l don't really wanna talk about it.

Hey, hey, you've got a great marriage, man.

l don't wanna see you screw it up by messing around with some teenager.

No matter how cute they are in their platform shoes. . .

. . .and those little bellybutton pants.

-The way they giggle and roll their eyes. -Pete, Pete.

-That was Dharma. -That was Dharma?

You know, we never got a chance to date. . .

. . .so now we're pretending that we're not married.

Spicing it up a little, huh?

Me and Jane, we do this thing, l put on a mask and l sneak into the apartment.

She catches me. Then she ties me to the bed.

Pete, this isn't about sex.

Who's talking about sex?

Get your mind out of the gutter, pal.

-Who is it? -lt's Greg.

Greg Montgomery who?

Larry, open the door.

Well, well, how do you do, young man?

Come right in. l'm Dharma's father, Mr. Finkelstein.

What's in the pipe, Larry?

So Dharma told you about our little--

What exactly are your intentions with my daughter?

l'm taking her on a date.

l hope that's not your van parked out there. . .

. . .with the ''Don't bother knocking'' bumper sticker.

That's your van, Mr. Finkelstein.

So it is.

-Hi, Greg. -Hi.

This is my mother.

Hello, Greg.

Hello. Well, l see where Dharma gets her beautiful looks.

Smarmy.

That's two.

You're not planning on wearing that, are you?

-Why not? -Because you're my daughter. . .

. . .not some rock 'n' roll singer.

Larry, what're you doing?

-l'm pretending to be her dad. -You are her dad.

And don't you forget it.

-These are for you. -Thank you.

These are for you.

-l get flowers? -And a condom.

-We should go. This was fun. Thanks. -Okay.

-Bye. -Good night.

Have fun.

-Okay. Oh, God, aren't they sweet, Lar? -Yeah.

-Oh, do you remember our first date? -Oh, like it was yesterday.

Really? What happened yesterday?

Hey, no fair.

-No peeking. -l'm not peeking.

Okay.

Now.

Wow.

Thank you. God, this is so romantic.

l know. l mean, l'm glad you like it.

-How did you do this? -l set it up this afternoon.

Gave a guy half a 20 to keep an eye on everything until we got here.

Very clever.

Pretty.

Thank you, captain. Sorry.

-God, it's so beautiful out here. -lt certainly is.

Oh, allow me.

-Oh, thank you. Won't you get cold? -No, l'm wearing a long sleeve undershirt.

-Really? -No, just joking.

-l don't get it. -l told it wrong.

-Would you like champagne? -Yes, please.

So would l.

We'll pick some up on the way home.

So tell me about yourself. What kind of music do you listen to?

Oh, you know, rock 'n' roll, Phil Collins, Peter Gabriel, Mike & the Mechanics.

So you-- You only listen to people who were in Genesis?

Peter Gabriel was in Genesis?

Great. Let's move on.

How about movies?

You know, l really enjoy a movie that, that touches your heart.

Terms of Endeaarment, The Piaano, Sophie's Choice.

Are you sure you're not obsessed with movies about lawyers?

Witness for the Prosecution, The Verdict, 1 2 Angry Men?

l enjoy those on occasion.

Oh, and the occasion being like every time you rent a movie?

-Well, at least it's not Milo aand Otis. -Milo aand Otis is a good movie.

lt is not just for kids.

-l guess l'll just have to see it again. -And you will.

Listen, Dharma, l know we don't have a lot in common. . .

. . .but l just have to tell you that you are the most--

And it's more than that. When l'm with you, l'm--

--Space Mountain, Lewis and Clark.

What l mean is--

--even if it makes me sick, l'm going to eat it.

-So, what do you think? -l can't see you anymore.

-Why? What did l say? -l have no idea.

l was reading your lips for a while, but now l really can't see you anymore.

-You wanna just call it a night? -No, no, no, this is good for my skin.

So, what's for dinner?

Okay. l thought we'd start with a tofu-barley soup.

-Oh, my favorite. -Oh, you don't say?

Could you just move your chair a little bit? lt seems to be on the picnic basket.

-How's that? -Just a little more.

Dharma, hang on. l'm coming in. l'm coming.

Greg, it was the chair. Oh, Greg.

-Okay, l'm coming in. Heads up. -Dharma?

Oh, it's cold.

-Dharma? -l'm right here.

-How are you feeling? -Like somebody jumped off a pier. . .

. . .and landed on my face with both feet.

-l said heads up. -So l did.

Well--

-Thank you for a night l'll never forget. -Wait, Dharma. Enough's enough.

Why don't you just get your stuff and come home with me.

Maybe a midnight swim in sewage and medical waste. . .

. . .works on some girls, but not Dharma Finkelstein.

Game's over. We now know that if we dated it wouldn't have gone so well.

Hey, now, don't give up. Maybe the third date's a charm.

-No, no-- -l'm free tomorrow night.

Tomorrow is the museum fundraiser at my parents' .

Good, l've been dying to meet your parents.

-Dharma-- -And especially your mother.

l bet we have so much in common.

We can't pretend we're dating there.

-Why not? -Why not? Because it's weird.

No, it's not.

Oh, come on, of all the weird stuff you do, this is right up there.

All the weird stuff l do?

You know what, let's just forget it and go home.

No, no, no, no, l wanna hear more about all the weird stuff l do.

You know, that sometimes, you know, you can be a little embarrassing.

You know that.

-Oh, so l embarrass you. -Sometimes, yes.

But it's not your fault. lt's just who you are.

So l'm an embarrassment, like, oh, my fly's open. . .

. . .l have a booger in my nose and have you met my wife?

-That's not what l meant. -l know what you meant.

So l'll call you?

Operator, l've been trying to dial that number all night. Can you break in?

Greg Montgomery.

What do you mean, she wouldn't take the call? All right, all right.

Break in again and tell her that l love her. . .

. . .and that l'm really, really sorry.

Well, say it so it doesn't sound pathetic.

Never mind!

-Hi, Jane. -lt's Greg.

-ls that Dharma? -He wants to know if it's you.

No.

-Can l please speak to her? -He wants to know if he can talk to you.

Well, what do you want me to say?

Bite me.

-Well, that's what you should've said. -Jane, Jane.

Jane.

Look, buddy, you're a bit worked up. Maybe you should walk it off, huh?

Yeah, yeah, you're right, okay. Well, l'm gonna go get a beer, you wanna come?

l can't. She's got me on kind of a short leash.

-Hey. -Gotta go.

He called you weird?

Man. Hello, pot. lt's me kettle.

Come on, Larry, before we judge Greg. . .

. . .maybe we should put on his head and look through his eyes.

l have put on his head until l'm blue in the face. l can't see anything.

Maybe you had it on backwards.

lsn't it possible, Dharma, that there are some things. . .

. . .you do that are a little outside of his cultural context?

Abby, l have made so many compromises for Greg.

Eat eggs from chickens, everyone has their own toothbrush.

l have had sex in the bed more times than l care to count.

Well, l hate to take sides, Dharma, but it does seem you've gone that extra mile.

Thank you.

Where does he get off calling me weird?

Oh, man, who let the goat out of its pen?

-Hi, Larry. -Greg.

Your balloons say l'm sorry.

Yeah.

What did they do?

Can you please just tell Dharma that l'm here?

Yes, l can tell Dharma that you're here.

But l can't tell you that Dharma's here.

Just go in and tell her.

How did you find out she was here?

Some old stoner told me.

Well, just as long as you didn't hear it from me.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

-What you doing? -Crocheting a poncho for the goat.

Weird, huh?

Okay, okay, look. l was cold and wet. . .

. . .and l said some things that l shouldn't have.

Come on, let me make it up to you.

-Let me take you on another date. -Nope.

l brought you ''l'm Sorry'' balloons.

Oh, were they all out of ''My ditzy wife embarrasses me'' balloons?

Dharma, you're building a dam where you should be building a bridge.

Wait a minute.

Am l the old stoner?

Sorry.

Let's face it, Greg. l embarrass you.

ln front of your parents, at the country club, that thing with your boss's wife.

-What happened with my boss's wife? -Nothing.

The point is, it's a problem and l don't see a solution.

-What are you saying? -l just-- l don't know.

Maybe we need some time. Maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.

-Come on, Dharma, game's over. -No, this is not a game, Greg.

lf you want, l'll tell her you dropped by.

So Dharma found out. . .

. . .about this woman you were dating.

No, no, no. Dharma was the woman l was dating.

They're both named Dharma?

What are the odds of that?

Never mind.

Gregory, let me give you some advice.

Crawl back to your wife on your hands and knees. . .

. . .with a fur coat between your teeth.

She doesn't like fur.

Oh, what about the other gal?

What are you two doing in here? The guests are arriving.

Where's Dharma?

We had a bad fight. l made a huge mess of things.

-Oh, Gregory. -l don't know what to do.

Oh, darling, don't worry. There's always a solution.

l know. The Buckley girl arrived without a date. You can sit next to her.

Sometimes a guy just needs his mom.

Now listen.

She had a little too much collagen injected into her lips. . .

. . .so she cannot pronounce the letters M or P.

So if she starts to mumble. . .

. . .play it safe and just pass the mashed potatoes.

Edward, come, come, come.

Oh, good. We're having mashed potatoes.

-l'm sorry, Greg, she's not here. -Larry. Larry?

Dharma?

l know you're in there. lf you don't wanna come out, fine.

But please listen to me.

l know l hurt you and l'm sorry.

And-- And to tell you the truth, yes. . .

. . .sometimes you do embarrass me, but that's my problem.

You're an amazing, incredible woman and l am so lucky to have you in my life.

And l want you to keep on doing those things that embarrass me. . .

. . .because they're part of why l love you.

They-- They're the things that teach me not to be self-conscious. . .

. . .and care what people think.

Here.

l'll show you.

-What's he doing? -He's taking off his clothes.

Oh, look how he folds everything up so nice and neat.

Dharma, l'm naked and l'm on my knees. Please forgive me.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Greg, l don't want to interrupt you here.

But when l said before that Dharma wasn't home. . .

. . .l wasn't covering up for her.

She's really not here?

Anyway, stay as long as you like.

But if you're gonna play with the goat, be careful.

He can get a little curious.

Stupid goat.

-Hi. -That was the most beautiful thing. . .

. . .you ever did.

All those things you said, taking your clothes off, being so vulnerable.

-l thought you weren't there. -l wasn't. . .

. . .but Larry has surveillance cameras.

lt's on tape?

And when l watched it, l realized how lucky l am to be married to you.

-Oh, my God, this is so romantic. -Didn't l tell you?

-Give me the tape, Jane. -Oh, no.

Pete has to see this. He has to learn.

Nice package.

Told you.

-Oh, God. -Are you embarrassed?

No.

No. l--

l did what l did to show the world that l love you.

And there's nothing on that tape to be embarrassed about.

-Let's go get the tape. -Thank you.

-Jane. Jane! -Jane. Jane!

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