All language subtitles for Dharma.and.greg.S02E21.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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l would like to propose a toast
to my daughter-in-law, Dharma. . .

. . .who has just completed
her six-month probationary period. . .

. . .and is now a full member
of the Women's Club Charity Committee.

Brava.

So probation's over? Can l talk now?

Oh, of course you can, dear.
Who told you you couldn't?

Well, l would just like to thank you for
inviting me to be part of your committee.

l really enjoyed the champagne brunches,
the cocktail parties and the wine cruise.

But l was thinking,
if we cut back on the booze a bit. . .

. . .we might have more money
to help poor people.

-Six months goes by so quickly.
-l mean, actually. . .

. . .we could box up these leftovers
and feed some homeless right now.

-Thank you, but--
-lt's easy. We fan out in the park. . .

. . .and anybody who's wearing
more than one coat is probably hungry.

Yes, well, we'll table that
for the moment. . .

. . .because we really need
to discuss the upcoming banquet.

Yes. Where you'll be receiving the
Evelyn Hofstedter Humanitarian Award.

Oh, right,
l just completely forgot that.

When? Since the car?

Now, ladies, we've got to decide
who's going to introduce you, Kitty.

ls that something your husband
might like to do?

-ls there an open bar?
-Yes.

No.

Hey, l'll do it.

Oh, Dharma, dear, you're-- You will
have so many other things to do.

-You don't wanna worry about a speech.
-l promise l'll bathe and wear a bra.

-Well, l--
-Well, then, that's settled.

Dharma will introduce Kitty.

-Don't worry, l won't embarrass you.
-Okay.

For heaven's sakes, Duchess,
sweetheart. l can't take you anywhere.

No, don't blame it on Duchess. Nunzio's
probably just trying to get into her purse.

Nunzio, you old horn dog, you.

Say hi to Grandma.

Hey, check it out. Your mother faxed me
a speech to introduce her with.

Well, that was nice of her.
Or completely out of line and l'm sorry.

Listen to this: ''Dharma, darling,
l know you're terribly busy. . .

. . .so l jotted down a few ideas
for your speech.

Took the liberty of putting it
in your vernacular. ''

Did you know l had a vernacular?

No.

''What can l say
about Kitty Montgomery?

She is certainly
one groovy mother-in-law. ''

-She didn't say ''groovy. ''
-l need to update my vernacular.

''Kitty Montgomery would never dream
of standing here, telling you. . .

. . .how tirelessly she gives of herself.

-So let me rap about it. ''
-Rap?

Do you dig, man? l'm gonna rap.

-Greg, nobody talks like this.
-Your father does.

l don't wanna do some boring speech.
l wanna do something personal.

Do you have fun stories
l can tell about your mother?

Fun?

You know, if you change ''rap'' and
''groovy,'' what she wrote isn't so bad.

-Hey, you got a minute?
-Come on in.

Dharma, Greg, we want you to know--

Both to know that we appreciate
your help, your support. . .

. . .but we can't ignore the truth
anymore.

Our marriage has never been
a happy one, and--

-We're getting a divorce.
-Yeah.

What? Just like that, you're gonna
throw away six weeks of marriage?

lt was really over after four weeks.

The last two we were pretty much
just going through the motions.

The reason we're here is Pete's already
a lawyer, so l want you to be mine.

Wow, Greg, that's gotta be flattering,
huh?

Well, flattering as it may be, Jane,
l can't be your lawyer.

-ls it money? Because l got money.
-No, don't be silly.

-Greg would never charge you.
-No, but--

Great. Forget what l said about
the money. l don't want him to know.

l'm right here.

But l told my lawyer,
so legally you don't know about it.

-ls that right?
-l don't know.

Jane, l can't represent you
because Pete's my friend.

Hey, it's fine by me, buddy.

You know, l can't think of anyone else
l'd rather have represent Jane.

There you go. Everybody's happy.

Hey, don't beat me up too bad,
huh, pal?

Thanks so much.

-Honey, this is really nice of you.
-You don't understand. l'm not doing it.

You should have said something because
now l think Jane's counting on you.

l figured, you've been married
for 32 years. . .

. . .you must have fun stories
l could tell about Kitty.

Fun.

Fun.

Well, maybe ''fun'' is too specific.

How about any warm stories. . .

. . .you know, that could help show Kitty
as a human being?

Okay. You know what,
you have my number.

Oh, Celia. Just the person
l wanted to see.

You know a lot of interesting stuff
about Kitty.

Enough to be a rich woman
if l weren't a good Catholic.

l mean, like,
fun little stories about Kitty.

Fun stories?

About Mrs. Montgomery?

Okay, before she was married.
She ever talk about that?

Oh, yes. She and l are like sisters.

We talk all the time.

Very good, Celia.

Look in the attic.

She's got a trunk
full of old photographs and books.

-And maybe an old diary.
-l wouldn't know.

But l would look in the left-hand corner
under the high school yearbooks.

Now, don't hurt yourself.

Pete said l should sign these papers.
What do you think?

l think you should hire a lawyer.

He said it's all standard stuff.

Hire a lawyer.

-Why?
-Jane, please. l--

Just give me an example.

Well, like here,
he's got you paying him alimony. . .

. . .which seems, you know, kind of
out of line for a six-week marriage.

What else?

This clause:

''Mrs. Cavanaugh will provide the
plaintiff with marital services following. . .

. . .the dissolution of the union. ''
Do you know what that means?

-Nope.
-Get a lawyer.

Wait a minute.
My best friend and my wife.

l want a divorce.
Hey, l'm getting one.

-You lowlife scum.
-What?

My lawyer informs me
you're trying to screw me here.

lt was a first draft. l took a shot.

Take him for everything he's got.

l want him fighting with his cat
for the last little Friskie.

Thanks a lot.
l guess l know who my friends are.

Pete, l'm not her lawyer.

Oh, yeah, right. lf you'll excuse me,
l got an appointment. . .

. . .with a guy who's not my doctor.
He just enjoys checking my prostate.

Now, l know we're here tonight
to honor Kitty Montgomery.

The truth is, l am the one who's honored
to have such a groovy mother-in-law.

Now, to truly appreciate. . .

. . .the strong, dignified, sophisticated
woman who sits here tonight. . .

. . .we have to understand the long, hard
road that she has had to travel.

What? There was no hard road.

Now, Kitty never brags about this,
so l'm gonna do it for her.

This woman, who's devoted
so much of her adult life. . .

. . .to helping those less fortunate, knows
firsthand what it's like to be poor.

No. No, l don't, l--

Can we lower the lights, please?

What is she doing? What is she doing?

Now, the fancy soirees
at Nob Hill are a world away. . .

. . .when you're living above a two-pump
gas station just outside of Stockton.

Now, that is not a silver spoon
in her mouth, people. That is beef jerky.

Well, that went great, huh?

Did you know the mayor
was going to be there?

No, no, l didn't.

l'll tell you
what really touched people. . .

. . .was that prom picture
of you and your cousin, Walter.

Yes, that did make
quite an impression.

Hey, honey,
don't these seats feel great?

What did you do to the seats?
They feel brand-new.

-Saddle soap.
-Really.

Oh, and then that old film of you
in that homemade tutu. . .

. . .dancing on the gravel driveway.

You were so cute
with your chubby little cheeks.

l can't believe you never showed it
to anybody.

They even, you know,
smell brand-new.

You know why saddle soap works?
lt's a paste.

lt's-- lt's a miracle, is what it is.

Well, here we are.

-Wow, already.
-Thank you.

That was fast.

-Are we still on for lunch on Tuesday?
-l don't think so.

-Oh, why not?
-l'm never speaking to you again.

We're off.

l was just trying to get people
to see her as a human being.

Well, maybe that's not how she wants
to be seen.

l'm gonna call her
and l'm gonna apologize.

Dharma, just give it time.
Trust me, it'll all blow over.

She said she never wants
to talk to me again.

l know. lf you give it a couple weeks,
she'll pretend as if it never happened.

That's how my mother prefers
to deal with these situations.

Well, then this will be
a growth opportunity for her.

-Hi, Edwaard, caan I taalk to Kitty, pleaase?
-lt's Dharma.

She seems to have stepped out.

Fine, fine.
l'm tired of fighting about it.

l bought them for her
but she can have them.

That's awfully big of you.

''Mrs. Cavanaugh will retain possession
of her underwear. ''

Just for the record, she didn't even
wear underwear before l met her.

-You want your stupid underwear?
-Come on.

-Take your stupid underwear.
-Jane, it's settled. You keep them on.

Okay, what about the wedding gifts?

He can have them all.

Oh, that's real generous.

Toaster oven, a Crock-Pot and some
stupid waffle thing l'm never gonna use?

lt's a Belgian waffle iron,
and you're welcome.

l just want the vacation in Cabo.

My mother gave us the Cabo vacation.
Why should you get it?

Because she likes me
better than she likes you.

-What difference does that make?
-l want the trip to Cabo.

You can't have it.

Okay. Then the humidifier that you took,
l want it.

l'm the one with bronchitis.
Why do you want it?

So you'll die.

''Mrs. Cavanaugh retains possession
of the humidifier. Mr. Cavanaugh dies. ''

We got anything else?

We'll be having six for dinner,
and l'd like to serve quail.

And don't just get small chickens.
l know the difference.

-Shall l get the door?
-Wait.

No.

But the funny knock is Mrs. Dharma.

l told you, Celia, Dharma
is persona non grata.

And l told you, please speak English
because your Spanish is no good.

-She's in the window now.
-Just tell her that l'm not home.

-But she can see you.
-Well, make something up.

l'll tell her you are Mrs. Montgomery's
long-lost twin sister.

-Just go.
-The nice one.

Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.

-Hey, Jane.
-Hey.

-Dharma home?
-Don't know. Just got here myself.

Up, Larry.

Up.

-Guys, can l ask you a favor?
-Yeah, what's happening?

Well, Pete and l are going through
a pretty nasty breakup. . .

. . .and l don't want him
to get my bike.

So can l hide it in your shed
and say it was stolen?

Come on. Pete's a smart man.

He's not gonna believe
our shed was stolen.

Hey, where are you going
with our TV?

What TV?

Kitty, Kitty.

Wait a minute.
How is the car thing my fault?

How isn't it?

lf she'd just talk to me. . .

. . .l wouldn't have had to crawl
in her bushes and hide in her car.

-You're right. Mother shares culpability.
-Thank you.

Do me a favor. Don't talk to her.
Give her some time.

That doesn't make any sense.

lf people have a conflict, they need to
communicate to have understanding. . .

. . .some closure, Greg.

You know,
you call yourself open-minded. . .

. . .but really you're not.

How can you say that?

Greg, there is nobody more open-minded
than me in the whole wide world.

But if there were,
l would be open to it.

Then why can't you accept
that my mother does things differently?

Okay. You know what? You're right.

-l'll try it her way.
-Thank you.

Because a big part of being open-minded
is embracing those things. . .

. . .that you know, deep down,
are just stupid.

l'll take it.

See, wait a couple weeks,
it's like nothing happened.

So l'm just supposed to sit here,
make polite conversation about the soup.

Or the flowers. She likes flowers.

-Hello, darling.
-Mother.

-Hi, Greg.
-Hello, Dharma.

-Don't you look lovely this evening?
-Oh, darling, how are you?

You look pretty.

-God, aren't these daffodils beautiful?
-Yes. Actually, they're jonquils.

lt seems like forever
since we've all been together.

-Two weeks.
-More or less. Who's counting?

Do you know in England
they call two weeks a fortnight.

l wonder why we don't use that here.

l think we should.
lt's a lovely turn of phrase.

Dharma, darling,
l haven't seen you in a fortnight.

Pluck my jonquils,
has it been a fortnight?

l am not normally a fan of cream sauce,
but that hint of dill just makes it sing.

Very tasty.

''Dillicious. ''

So Mother, how are things working out
with your new interior decorator?

Oh, l had to let him go.

l asked him to do the solarium
in this off-taupe. He did it in beige.

Can l ask you a question?

When the interior decorator
made the mistake--

Which may have been
an innocent mistake.

--did you talk to him
before you fired him?

Why would l?

''Would l. '' That reminds me of a joke.
A fella has a wooden eye. . . .

Greg, your mother was talking about her
unexpressed anger toward her decorator.

-No, l think she was talking about paint.
-Fabric. Actually.

l was going to go with paint, then
l found this fabulous Malaysian cotton--

Well, fabric, cotton, paint, whatever.

The fact is you were mad as hell. . . .

So this guy with a wooden eye walks
into a bar and feels very self-conscious.

-Because his eye is made of wood.
-Exactly.

-How's your dessert, Edward?
-Hell of an apple pie.

lt's a tarte Tatin, Edward.

But l agree with you.
lt's a hell of a tarte Tatin.

You know, l was going to order
the creme brulee. . .

. . .but l'm very happy
with the tarte Tatin.

l was gonna order the tiramisu
and l did.

You know, l think there's something
floating in my coffee.

-Oh, no, no, no, there isn't.
-Stop it! Stop it, please.

l can't stand it anymore.

Please, can we talk about this, Kitty?

Talk about what?

Well, come on. l embarrassed you in
front of your friends, l wrecked your car.

Let us just pretend it didn't happen,
Dharma.

Oh, so l can just do anything l want,
just pretend it never happened?

Like-- Like this?

Dharma?

Nothing. Just a little spill.

lt was wonderful, thank you,
call you in a fortnight.

No, l know you think l am crazy,
but you are the one who's crazy.

lt is not crazy to want to behave
in a civilized fashion.

Oh, yes. Finally, Kitty, say it.
You are mad at me.

Of course l am mad at you.

You humiliated me
in front of my friends.

Oh, you.

And l never lived above a gas station.

l lived across the street
from a gas station.

By the time l was out of high school,
my father owned every gas station. . .

. . .from here to the Canadian border.

Oh, good arm, Kitty.

l took my cousin to the prom
because he had mononucleosis. . .

. . .and he was out of school
for three months!

-Really? That is so sweet.
-l am a very sweet person.

Did you ever try saddle soap
on your car seats?

l couldn't find it.

-Did you try the hardware store?
-They had cream.

No, no, no, you'll want the paste.

Stand still.

l always thought your mother
was a southpaw.

Now we have a fun story
about your mom.

And you understand, we have
to pretend it never happened, right?

Oh, got it.

Nothing ever happened.

This is a hell of a tarte Tatin.

Hey, we're back.

-Where'd you go?
-Cabo.

Where'd you go?

Food-fight night at the country club.

-Excellent.
-Wait a minute. You both went to Cabo?

You couldn't figure out
which one of us got the trip, so--

We both went.

One thing led to another,
and we got back together.

What are you talking about? l spent
a fortnight drawing up a settlement.

Thanks, but turned out
we just needed a little time alone.

Oh, that's so great.
lsn't that great, Greg?

No, you're divorced.
All you have to do is sign papers.

Hey, man, thanks for the support.

Come on, let's go upstairs
and whack that pinata.

Arriba.

-Bye. Congratulations!
-No, they made my life miserable.

They made me work out
joint custody for a humidifier.

-Oh, Greg, Greg, Greg.
-What?

Let's just pretend
this never happened.

Oh, cute. Very cute.

-Where are you going?
-Nowhere.

-Greg.
-How about we pretend. . .

. . .this never happened?

So what? l'm already
covered with food.

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[ENGLlSH]