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Hey, look. l'm a rabid dog. l'm crazy.

How can you brush if you're not in the bathroom?

-There's no place to spit. -Sure, there is. Watch out!

-Oh, no, he looked up. -Dharma.

l'm teasing. There's nobody out there. Sorry!

All right, l'm minty fresh and l'm ready for a man.

Well, let me finish up here.

-What are you doing? -A little--

Sexy. A little online investing.

l set some of our money on the side just to play with.

-Oh, can l play? -Well, honey, it's not really playing.

lt's tricky. There are a lot of complicated factors to consider.

What's that company you invested in? Z-G-L-M. What's that?

-That's Zeglam. -Zeglam. What do they make?

Well, actually, it's a consulting firm that interfaces. . . .

l don't know.

-Pete's dentist made a killing. -Oh, that does sound tricky.

-Come on, l wanna do some. -You don't just jump into it.

There's a lot of, you know, research and reading stuff.

Not reading stuff.

Gosh, it's a good thing l'm a girl. . .

. . .and l don't have to worry about our investments.

-Are you done? -Yes.

Okay. l'll set you up an account and half the money.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

And l want you to know l am going to do this very carefully.

Who are you calling?

l thought l'd give our dentist a jingle, see if he has any hot tips.

Honey?

lt's 2 in the morning. You coming to bed?

ln a minute. The Tokyo stock market's about to close.

Tokyo market?

l put everything into Brazilian reals. l'll get killed if l don't convert it to yen.

Okay. l'm gonna go back to sleep now.

That, my friend, is why you will never run with the big dogs.

This would be nice in the living room. What do you think?

Art? You wanna tie up our assets in art?

-No, l-- l just thought-- -lt's not a liquid investment.

Besides, Forbes says that the art market can be capricious.

l just thought the dog looked like Stinky.

Darling, thank you for helping me get your father out of the house.

Ever since he's retired, all he does is sit in his chair and stare off into space.

Glad we can help.

Hey, Ed. Ed, l need a little advice.

l knew the man who owned this chair.

He worked hard. Then he retired. Now he's dead.

Okay. Well, speaking of dead, l'm getting killed in the market.

And l need to know if l could ask you some questions.

Better hurry.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, look at this.

We gave these candlesticks to Eleanor Martinson.

You can't be upset she's selling them. She's dead.

Greg, no, l'm talking about the price, $25.

We paid $ 700 for these.

Not for you.

-Excuse me, sir, could l--? -Yes, madam?

l think these candlesticks are mismarked.

They're silver Revere Ware. They're about $ 700.

Madam, this is silver plate imitation Revere Ware.

At $25, we actually have a little wiggle room.

Well, l know someone who paid $ 700 for this very pair.

Well, then with all due respect, madam, you happen to know a fool.

Look, an old lamp.

Son, l don't want to interfere with your marriage. . .

. . .but l should tell you that your wife's on the phone with a stockbroker.

-No, l know. l set up an account for her. -Are you out of your mind?

A man can't let his wife monkey around with the finances.

You better put your foot down hard and put it down now.

Edward, would you write out a check for $ 700 for that gentleman?

-We're buying some candlesticks. -Oh, yes, dear.

Who is the fool now?

Now, this is a lamp.

-Hey, guys. -Hey. What are you doing here?

l was in the neighborhood and thought l'd come by and say hi.

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi. Can l borrow some money?

-ls there a problem? -No.

l lost some money and l'd rather Greg not know about it.

Did you look in the couch cushions?

No, no, l lost it in the stock market.

You bought stocks?

Don't worry. None of these companies destroy the rainforest.

-How do you know that? -Because they're too busy going belly-up.

Do you realize that every dollar you make in the stock market. . .

. . .is money taken from a worker on the factory floor?

-Larry, l'm losing money. -Well, good.

Dharma, if you really need it, we can give you something out of our savings.

-Thank you, Abby, yes. -Okay.

All right. l'll go make a withdrawal right now.

Okay, look, Dharma, politics aside, the stock market can be treacherous.

l know.

l got one friend who's lost everything and another who's making a fortune.

-What's he got his money in? -Which one?

The one who's making the fortune.

One of those crazy lnternet stocks.

-Yeah? What's it called? -Something, something, dot com.

All right. Let's call your friend. What's his name?

Oh, gosh. What's the name of those places where monks live?

-An abbey? -Yeah, thank you.

Abby, what's my friend's name?

What a beautiful day it is out there.

Maybe l should jump out of the window and enjoy it for a couple of seconds.

-You're drinking Scotch? -Yes, and it's revolting.

Honey, l did a very bad thing. l lost most of the money.

-What? How? -Well, it was going well.

You know, l was losing money, but gradually. . .

. . .and then l got a hot tip and put all of the money into one stock.

-Where'd you get the tip? -Larry.

You took a tip from Larry?

-Well, you took a tip from Pete's dentist. -Not even close.

Pete's dentist doesn't believe our last three presidents were robots.

-He might. You don't know that. -All right, this is getting us nowhere.

-What was the tip? -Well, the company is great.

They've been in San Francisco for 25 years.

Now they sell all over the world, on the lnternet.

-What do they sell? -Women's dresses.

-Okay. -For men.

-For men? -lt's called E-Drag.com.

You took a tip from Larry.

-Scotch? -Thank you.

The stock is falling so fast, it's actually making that whistling sound.

-Then sell. Cut your losses. -You think?

lf a company's going down the drain, what else can you do?

Come on, fellas, let's pull ourselves up by our bra straps and make some money.

The cost of goods seems reasonable. They have decent financing in place.

And they have a very loyal client base. So, what are they doing wrong?

-What do they sell? -Women's apparel.

-Okay. -For men.

-To give to women. -To wear.

You mean for men who like to dress up as women?

Yeah.

Well, their equipment is fully depreciated.

Maybe they should lease it back to themselves.

Good, good. That is good stuff, Edward.

Why don't you come and tell them that? Maybe we can turn these guys around.

Sounds to me like they're already pretty well turned around.

-Come on, Edward. -l don't know, Dharma.

l'm retired now. l don't do this sort of thing anymore.

Edward, my book club will be here any minute.

Please, change this jacket and read this.

You'll have to drive.

She hides the keys on book club day.

Thanks, but we don't need your help.

My partner is perfectly capable of destroying this business all by himself.

lf you had your way, we'd still be making ball gowns for J. Edgar Hoover.

-lt's not about who's right and wrong-- -l have a family to support.

My daughter is starting college in the fall.

He's talking about my goddaughter.

l wasn't there when she was born? l didn't introduce you to your wife?

l didn't catch the bouquet at your wedding?

Excuse me. Do you always ship your clothes. . .

. . .in these boxes with the fancy picture on them?

Yeah, Rodney's helping a young man through art school.

l don't see the point of buying this stuff through the mail. . .

. . .when your package says, ''Hey, neighbor, l'm a frilly boy. ''

l never really thought about that.

That could explain our package-refused, wrong-address problem.

You listen to this man. He is a captain of industry. . .

. . .a commodore of commerce, a general of. . . .

My point is, you're lucky you have him here.

l tell you what l would do.

l'd put this stuff in plain brown boxes marked ''sporting goods. ''

Keep talking, captain.

Have you thought about expanding. . .

. . .beyond your traditional cross-dressing fellas?

What do you mean?

There's a lot of big-boned gals out there. . .

. . .that might like a skosh more room to rumba.

l think l hear the money truck backing up.

Now, let me show you something else. . . .

-l know. -And then on Thursday night. . .

. . .we were to go to a dancing lesson, but Edward was working late again. . .

-. . .at Dharma's little company. -l know.

And l had to partner up with Florence Rutherford. . .

. . .who, may l say, since her husband's death. . .

. . .has not tended to her personal hygiene.

-l know. -He's worked late every night. . .

-. . .for the last month. -l know.

-What kind of a retirement is this? -l know.

-l hate sitting alone in that big house. -l know.

The only good news is that l get to spend so much time with you.

l know.

Hey, guys. Sorry we're late. Edward came up with this killer idea. . .

. . .where customers scan their photo in on our website.

They can see how they look in the different dresses.

l thought we could lure some fellas out of the closet. . .

. . .if they could see how pretty they'd look.

Could we please not discuss business while we're dining? Thank you.

Dad, why don't you ask Mother what she did today?

Oh, l'll tell you what l did.

l sat by myself in a big, cold, empty house. . .

. . .wasting what are supposed to be the best years of my life.

That doesn't sound very interesting.

-Dharma, show everybody your great idea. -No, it was not my idea. lt was your idea.

l just said ''What's taking Arthur so long in the men's room?''

Check it out. Pantyhose with a fly.

lt's part of our new line, ''Please Release Me'' lingerie for men.

Easy in and easy out.

Have you ever seen the big lug so happy?

Oh, please. Dharma, this is just ridiculous.

He is supposed to be retiring so he can spend time with me.

-lt has nothing to do with his happiness. -Kitty, listen to yourself.

No, l will not listen to myself. You will listen to me.

Oh, all right. That is enough. That-- Stop it.

Now, Edward is off with men who wear dresses.

l am dancing with women who smell.

-And it is all your fault. -My fault?

Yes. You have ruined everything. l had plans.

l had plans for Gregory. l had plans for Edward. l had plans for myself.

And then you dropped on us like a bomb.

-Mother. -No, no, there is no more Mother.

There is only smoke and rubble.

Gregory, do you mind if l asked you a rather awkward question?

No, sure.

Would you wear a dress that had a breast pocket?

-Hey, how's your stock doing? -Merrill Lynch upgraded it.

-Really? -From ''sucks'' to ''bites. ''

Listen, l'm-- l'm really sorry about what my mother said to you.

-l take a lot of crap from her, Greg. -l know.

You know, l mean, l may have gone into this selfishly.

But once your father got involved, l think it was really good for him.

-l know. -And l only want people to be happy.

l would never deliberately do something to hurt somebody.

-l know. -Bombs hurt people.

-l know. -And l am not a bomb.

-l know. -You know, l've had it.

Kitty is being very selfish about Edward. . .

. . .and l think it's about time someone stood up and said it to her face.

Oh, no.

You are really being selfish, Kitty.

You should see him down there. He's like 20 years younger.

Organizing everything, rallying everybody together.

l have never seen him so happy.

-So? -So?

l can't believe you wanna take that away from him.

Oh, you can't, can you? Well, let me tell you something.

For 32 years, Edward's business has come first and l have come second.

Now, all l am asking for is, in the time that we have left, that l come first.

And l don't think that is being selfish.

lf you were unhappy all those years, why didn't you say anything?

Dharma. You and Gregory plan your lives and make your choices together.

And l envy you. That is not what we did.

Edward worked and l waited. That was the deal.

Now it is our time to be together and you have no business interfering.

Wow, what?

l am so sorry, Kitty. l was totally wrong.

-That's it? l'm right, you're wrong? -Yup.

Well, this is a little unsatisfying.

You wanna punch me in the arm?

-Come on. One shot. -That's childish.

-You wanna. -Don't be ridiculous.

-Dharma-- -Come on!

God, you could have at least taken that ring off.

Yes, l could have.

-Hey, Edward. -Oh, Dharma, good.

What do you think? From the fall line.

Oui, oui, very nice.

Oh, there's a hat. Get the hat, will you?

-Can l talk to you for a minute? -Sure, sure.

God, this place is really humming now.

Yeah. Mostly show tunes, but you're right, it is.

Knees, Edward.

Hey, how did you get the shipping guys. . .

. . .out of the pumps and into the running shoes?

l got them those little socks with the balls on the back.

You have really turned this place around, Edward.

They're gonna be in the black by the end of the month.

-So maybe your work here is done. -What do you mean?

Well, they don't need you to hold their hand anymore.

l never did that.

Look around, Edward. You've taught them so much.

They're ready to leave the nest.

They're ready to fly free, like the big fancy birds they are.

l suppose you're right.

-Boys. -Oh, Edward, good.

-Which one do you like? -What do you think?

-We both like the simpler one. -Ruffles make a man seem needy.

Well, then trust your instincts.

You boys can do this. You don't need my help.

-Edward, what you are saying? -l'm saying it's time for me to move on.

We all knew this day would come.

So long, Arthur.

Give my best to your wife.

-Oh, Rodney. -Oh, Eddie.

Oh, l'm sorry about the art school fella.

Oh, you were right, Edward. l am so much better off without him.

Emilio. Emilio.

Remember what l taught you. Success comes in cans, not can'ts, huh?

Oh, good God, what is going on?

He's setting the birdies free.

-Edward, l-- -Oh, Kitty, hi. What are you doing here?

Well, l. . . . l've given it a great deal of thought. . .

. . .and l've decided that perhaps l have been a bit selfish. . .

. . .and if you need to work to be happy, then you may do so with my blessing.

Unless wearing this makes you happy, in which case, you can just move out.

No, no, no, l'm all done here. l'll just go get out of this.

Good, because you don't have the waistline. . .

. . .to be wearing something belted.

You think?

Oh, it's just accentuating 50 years of filet mignon.

-Now, much better. -What about the line?

You just have a dart here and here.

Simple. Of course, this is too much. l'd take that down.

-What do you think? -That is much better.

-Oh, try the hat. -Oh, the hat, yes, yes, this is the hat.

Very smart. l would take off that flower. That's a bit fussy.

-You don't need it. -You think so?

Okay. This works too.

-Very nice. -You've got an eye.

-Thanks. -Look at some sketches?

-l'd be delighted. -Just give me your first impression.

-What do you think? -Well, that's awful.

Larry, this came for you in the mail.

Thanks.

-What is it? -Sporting goods.

lt says so right on the box. See? ''Sporting goods. ''

Okay, whatever.

Oh, l don't have the shoes for this.

Subtitles by SDl Media Group

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