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Should we order a bottle of vino?

-That's okay. We're fine. -l'd like some wine.

l offered a shot of Southern Comfort at the movies.

Now you want a $9 glass of wine?

-That's okay, Pete, l'll pick up the wine. -Hey, they got champagne.

What do you wanna bet he pulls out that big coupon book when the check comes?

l don't hear complaining when you get a free dessert of equal or lesser value.

-Give me that thing. -No.

-Give me it. -No, l'm not giving it to you.

-ls there a problem? -We were wondering what your soup is.

-Hey, come on. Give it back. -No.

Come on.

-Minestrone. -Thank you.

We just need another minute. Thanks.

-They're basically a fun couple. -Fun couple of what?

-l said cheap. -l'm not cheap. l'm just sensible.

You wash your hair with laundry detergent.

lt's good enough for my underwear, it's good enough for my hair.

-They have some issues. -How's that minestrone?

-Let's sneak out. -No, no, we're their friends.

We have to stay and give our love and support until they work through this.

Why don't we give them a little privacy?

And here we are at the Burning Man Festival.

What in God's name is a ''Burning Man Festival''?

Oh, it's kind of like this postmodern, techno-pagan rave. . .

. . .where we burn this 50-foot guy.

What do you mean, ''Oh''?

Look how cute Greg looks on the back of Snake's Harley.

She was nice.

You went to this function, Gregory?

Yeah, it was fun.

lt's just like Shakespeare in the Park. . .

. . .except Shakespeare's 50 feet tall and he's on fire.

-Aren't you gonna answer the phone? -Oh, good, it is the phone?

We kind of screen these days.

We're not here. Leaave aa messaage.

-Hey, guys, pick up the phone. -Are they there?

-I'm waaiting for them to pick up. -You saay we're gonnaa plaay Boggle?

Did you heaar me saay we're gonnaa plaay Boggle?

No, thaat's why I aasked!

Okay, who wants some dinner? l cooked Ethiopian.

This is so much fun. We all sit on the floor. . .

. . .and eat with our hands off a communal platter.

Well, how Third World.

-Don't worry, we grilled a couple steaks. -And you can sit at the table.

Very considerate of you, Dharma, dear.

Yes, usually we have to go out to dinner after we eat here.

Oh, yeah.

Dharma, the Yebeg Alicha is delicious.

l ''yebegged'' it myself.

What was that?

Oh, l think we missed the joke.

She ''yebegged'' it herself.

l think we missed it again.

So, Greg, you looking forward to this weekend?

Yeah, sure. l mean, l love being in the woods.

Me too. Makes me horny as a goat.

She gets that from me.

Edward, do you know what they're talking about?

Almost never.

What are you talking about?

Are you going off for the weekend together?

My parents go on this couples' retreat and we're going with them.

Oh, couples' retreat.

lt's this thing to help develop healthy communication skills. . .

. . .and improve your marriage. . .

. . .and Dharma really likes the woods.

Well, that sounds very intriguing.

lt sounds like something Edward and l would like to go along on.

The hell we would.

Are you sure, Kitty? Because you might have to discuss your sex life. . .

. . .and you hate talking about orgasms and stuff.

She's got you there.

Edward, can't you see that we are being excluded?

lf we don't start going off on their little jaunts. . .

. . .we're never going to see Gregory at all.

Edward and l would be very interested in joining with you on your weekend.

-Really? You know, it's kind of out there. -Trust me, Mother, it's not your thing.

Well, l will have you know that l am as forward-thinking. . .

. . .and as much of a free spirit as the next fellow.

Come on, guys, that was funny.

l got it, Kitty.

Did you know when they were about to shut down the Mapplethorpe exhibit. . .

. . .it was Kitty Montgomery who said, ''Absolutely not.

We will simply remove the obscene photographs. ''

And l am no Johnny-come-lately to bohemia.

One summer when l was in college-- Vassar, you know.

--l took an apartment by myself. . .

. . .in Manhattan below 57th Street.

Hey, l guess we're all going. This is gonna be fun.

Good one, Dharma.

Hello, l'm Kitty Montgomery.

This is my lover, Edward.

lt's an honorary title.

l don't think l can handle having my parents here.

Sure you can. Just don't look at them during the touching exercises.

Well, welcome, everybody. Welcome.

Here we are, two by two. . .

. . .climbing onto an ark that we are going to build together. . .

. . .out of feelings and trust, and, yes, a tear or two.

l think this guy sold office supplies to my company.

Now, some of this ark-building this weekend is gonna be very hard.

And some of you are gonna want to give up.

But let's make a commitment right now to stick with it, shall we?

-We shall. -We shall.

Welcome back, Abby and Larry.

Hi.

Now, why don't we put our car keys in the commitment box and lock it up. . .

. . .to show our full and total commitment to our voyage of self-discovery?

Hold it, l'm not giving up my keys to anyone.

lf they put their keys in, we can put our keys in.

Yes, but they drive an old ice-cream truck.

Hey. Sorry we're late.

He's so stupid he thought l could read a map.

What do l say to that, huh?

Come on, somebody, what do l say to that?

-Did you invite them? -l told them about it.

But l never thought Pete would actually spend the money.

Okay, there's my check, and here's my coupon.

l don't believe this. My whole reason for coming here. . .

. . .was to get away from Pete and Jane.

l thought you came because you love me and you wanna work on our relationship.

Well, yeah, that goes without saying.

Are these your golf clubs?

Well, l figured that since we didn't have a lot of work to do on our relationship. . .

-. . .that maybe l'd have some free time. -But this is our couples' retreat.

l said maybe l'd have some free time. You know, or not. Either way, fine by me.

You don't wanna be here, do you?

No, this is great. l understand when you're married. . .

. . .you have to do lots of things you don't wanna do.

Like shutting up, now or earlier.

Look, if you don't wanna be here, then let's just go.

No. This moment proves that we have some communication issues. . .

. . .and what better place to deal with them than here. . .

. . .where things like this are dealt with? So l'm asking you. . .

. . .please, can we stay here for me?

-Are you done? -God, l hope so.

We better fool around while you still have a good sweat going.

Well, the fellow said it was right over here.

Judas Priest, it's an outhouse.

Edward, stop complaining. How did you survive in the Army?

Oh, hey, guys.

Warmed the seat up for you.

Edward, we're going home.

-But, Kitty, what about--? -l'll hold it.

You're probably all wondering, ''What are we gonna do with these baskets?''

We're building better relationships.

And each time we learn something that's gonna help our relationship. . .

. . .we're gonna take a stone and we're gonna put it in our relationship basket. . .

. . .to remind us of the work that we've done.

And when you leave here, you'll take these baskets with you. . .

. . .and these stones will be a foundation for a house of love.

Free basket.

Excuse me. Where are my parents?

Kitty and Edward aren't going to be with us this session.

They came and asked for their keys back.

l thought they'd at least make it until lunch.

l respected their pledge of commitment. You'll be happy to know. . .

. . .l sent them to their cabin with a couples' time-out kit.

Oh, they'll love that.

Yeah, it has ''hold me, touch me'' flashcards.

Now, you may not know it. . .

. . .but you started working on this foundation before you even got here.

Friendship is part of the foundation of a good relationship.

So put a stone in your basket if you were friends before you were lovers.

You know, went to the movies.

Chatted on the phone?

Come on, you just didn't have a sandwich together and then get married.

Pie.

-Sorry? -We had pie.

And then we got married.

Okay. Well. That's neat.

What about hobbies?

Put a stone in your basket if you have a shared interest. . .

. . .or an activity that you do together.

Does peeping at our neighbors count?

Because we take turns with the telescope.

Well, if it's an activity you do together, that's a hobby.

Give yourselves a stone.

lt's not a hobby, it's a misdemeanor.

Greg, Chapman has a saying, ''Don't throw stones until you have some. ''

-How we doing here? -Not so good.

No shared interests? No hobbies?

-What about sex? -Yeah, does sex count?

Sex counts for so much.

But not here.

We don't confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy, do we?

l guess not.

Can you think of anything else you do together?

We go out to dinner.

All right.

That's a stone.

We got a mercy stone.

-Did you offer him money? -Of course, l offered him $500.

Why didn't you offer him 1 000?

l'm not gonna pay $ 1 000 for the keys to a car l own.

Guess how much these shoes cost, Edward? Go ahead, guess.

lf you had just eaten your Ethiopian steak and kept your mouth shut. . .

-. . .we wouldn't be here. -Are you saying this is my fault?

Of course not.

Well, good.

And finally, verbal affection is a foundation.

So besides ''honey'' and ''sweetheart'' . . .

. . .give yourselves a stone for every pet name you have.

Major Tom.

Ground Control.

l can't think of anything.

Well, try. We've only got one stone here.

What about when l called you by my old boyfriend's name? Does that count?

No, no, probably not.

-Half-pint. -Love muffin.

Shrimp.

-Fathead. -Freak.

-Loser. -Mama's girl.

Hey, you leave my mother out of this, or l'll kill yours.

Okay, everyone, see what happened there?

He crossed over a line and she established a boundary.

And that is part of their what. . .?

-Foundation. -Foundation.

-Give yourselves a stone. -What?!

-How is that a stone? -You want some of our stones?

-No. -No.

Okay, now we're going to split up.

And l've chosen relationship-building activities for each couple. . .

. . .based on what l've observed so far.

Last year, Larry and l got to feed each other ice cream in the hot tub.

l'll bet you we get that.

You should have bet me.

How is this supposed to help our relationship?

Shared hardship increases intimacy.

-Pumpkin. You called me pumpkin once. -What?

Remember Halloween? You said, ''Hand me that, pumpkin. ''

No, ''Hand me that pumpkin. ''

You guys, just gotta get some ice cream for the hot tub.

What did you guys get?

Caribbean cruise, but first we have to build a baked-potato boat.

Which do you like, chocolate swirl or strawberry?

-Strawberry. -Chocolate swirl it is.

l tricked you. l wanted chocolate swirl.

l know. l got strawberry.

-Hand me that potato. -Hand me that potato or hand me--?

Just give me the damn thing.

Oh, Larry, look.

Shared hardship increases intimacy.

Remember when we had to peel the potatoes?

First four years.

Hey, Greg? Think Chapman was right about us?

-What do you mean? -You know, that we're a bad match.

Absolutely not.

So we don't have common interests or common friends. . .

. . .or a common history that drew us together. We have--

Yes?

l don't care what he says, sex counts.

l think about it sometimes and l wonder. . .

. . .if we had dated for a year and got to know about each other--

Your parents and my parents. --you think we would have gotten married?

Like l would have introduced you to my parents.

You know, l look at us sometimes. . .

. . .and we're so different.

And l wonder sometimes if we'll-- lf we'll make it.

You think that?

Sometimes.

Sometimes l feel the same thing.

-Greg. -What?

Shared hardship increased our intimacy.

Oh, Edward. Edward. l can't, l can't. l can't go any further.

Well, we can't stay here, Kitty. l'll carry you.

-What about your back? -Oh, you're right.

Lie down, l'll drag you.

You will do no such thing.

All right.

l guess we can spend the night, get a fresh start in the morning.

-We'll freeze to death. -No, we won't.

We'll keep ourselves warm with shared body heat.

-Excuse me? -Basic survival. l learned it in the Army.

Take your clothes off, huddle together, and cover yourself with your clothes.

-You did that? -Don't be silly.

l was an officer. l had a space heater.

Now, let me help you get undressed, soldier.

Yes, sir.

Okay, how observant are we about our mates?

Without looking, write down everything your partner is wearing today.

-You write yours, l'll write mine. -Got it.

There's a funny story.

There was a couple here a few years ago. . .

. . .and the man didn't get a single thing right.

Oh, is this the one where it turns out that he's colorblind?

Yes, that's the one.

Oh, good. Tell it.

Well, that was it.

He told it better last year.

-Switch. -Okay, let's stand up, turn around.

Take a look at our partners and see how we did.

Oh, pants. l had pants and l crossed it out.

Oh, l think l did pretty well.

Really? How about you, Greg?

lt looks like l got everything, but that's us.

Observant of our partner.

-Do you mind? -Sure.

Blue cashmere pullover.

Brush twill khakis, no cuffs.

lnch-and-a-half braided leather belt, cordovan.

Shoes, lace up, also cordovan.

-That's not Dharma's handwriting. -Yes, it is.

-Greg wrote it. ''Cordovan''? -l say cordovan.

You cheated?

Oh, big deal, we're a good couple. We deserve rocks.

Did you cheat on the blindfolded trust walk?

-We didn't go on the walk. -We had sex in the woods.

But we used the blindfolds.

Wait a minute. Look under their stones. lt's all potatoes.

l'm sorry, l've never had to do this before, but l have to be strong for the group.

l'm gonna have to ask you two to leave.

You're kidding me. You're kicking us out?

Aren't you gonna make us clean your rain gutters or paint your fence?

Oh, come on, you gotta let us paint your fence.

Greg, Chapman was only trying to help you.

Oh, Abby, this is a bunch of stupid little games. . .

. . .and he thinks Pete and Jane are the best couple. What's that all about?

l mean, l love you guys separately. . .

. . .but together, you're just a swirling vortex of pure evil.

Wow, that's what the dry cleaner said.

-Come on, honey, we're out of here. -Yeah.

lf we look like we're getting smaller, it's because we're leaving.

Our keys are in the commitment box.

The Volvo keys with the flashlight, nail cutters and tire gauge.

-lsn't that right, honey? -She's exactly right.

Only, it's a Saab. Thank you.

-Good morning. -Morning.

What time is it?

Oh, about 1 1 .

Nine-fifteen.

l thought l'd let you sleep in a bit.

-Well, thank you. -Here.

A little breakfast here. Berries.

Oh, my. Well, Edward, l had no idea. . .

. . .you were so proficient in the out-of-doors.

Thank you.

For me?

For you.

l found the highway.

lt's not far. We should be able to make it in half an hour.

-What's our rush? -Well, l thought--

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